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Science fiction author
FiM Minific
FiM Short Story
A Timey Nightmare
FiM Minific
It's Your Turn
FiM Short Story
A Daughter of Forest Green
Original Short Story
Temporal Entanglement
#19958 · 4
Gosh! I can't believe I wrote and proofread until the the last 10 seconds, but I'm in. Only started late Saturday night. A few typos. Oh well. Be kind to all the writers of the stories you read.
#20576 · 3
>>Cold in Gardez
Yep. I submit my first draft, then every major revision up to the deadline. I actually had over an hour, this time, when I told myself, "That's it. Go to bed."
#8770 · 2
· on No Boys Allowed
Very cute. Well executed, too, though I am surprised Spike didn't actually manage to eat some of the gems. Oh, well.

Like Zaid, the last paragraph did not bother me but it did interrupt me enough that I thought about it. The POV at first seems to be Spike ("elation!" "misery!") before firmly becoming Night Light's. Were it immediately apparent that it was Night Light narrating, making the story about him dealing with being a parent, the story might feel a tad more mature and make the last paragraph more acceptable.

The usage of ponderous is technically correct. He is pondering. What I understood though was the "slow and clumsy because of great weight" definition when I first read it and was forced to reread the sentence.
#15915 · 2
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
None... if that's okay with you.
#8458 · 1
Well, that prompt was unexpectedly easy. The difficult part is the concision. Looking forward to reading the competition!
#8737 · 1
· on It's Over
The story is evocative, but feels like it is mostly mood and implication--whch isn't an inappropriate approach to the prompt--but it leaves me without anything to grasp onto. This is probably due to this one anchor sentence that stops just short of being concrete information:
How had she done it, when she'd been hiding the power of all the alicorns from Tirek?

The sentence tries at one time to place the story during the time of the battle with Tirek after the library was destroyed and to imply that the event of the story occurred afterwards. Between the first word and the last of the sentence lies unrealized possibilities.

The third paragraph third and fourth sentences should be get with "It" but begin with "I".
#8748 · 1
· on Crepuscular · >>Xepher
This is a nice piece of satisfying introspection and a good use of the prompt.

As for SPark's "beggers" point, the cliche is regional. Both "beggers the question" and "beggers the imagination" are used, but it does point out the danger of using a cliche unless the cliche serves something in the story like providing dialect or characterization--especially one as short as this one. It did not throw me out of the story, but I am also renowned for fracturing and misusing them so I can only pass on what I've learned.
#8756 · 1
· on Tyrant King Sonata Dusk
Very good story about how people react differently to the same events for their own reasons. The sequence bracketing, “You’re the only person I’ve come across that treats me as an equal, warts and all,” is close to perfect.

You made me think, and I consider that high praise.
#8987 · 1
· on Monsters
I like the story generally, and it's good as a Twilight Zone style story. I had a few issues with it, however. These are my perceptions as a reader, so take them as you choose. Please don't take my criticism below harshly. I think this is a very good story. This is stuff to think about next time for the next story.

The first was you went to the trouble of making the protagonist an earth pony, but a unicorn would more believably be able to pull, shoot, and holster a weapon. In the rain and mud, it begs credulity. Second, when Golden Earring is talking at her cargo, it feels like she is describing the situation to the reader like a narrator (info dump) rather than raging at her cargo. My impression, at least. Third, the story is predicated on a misidentification of the monster in the dark, but there is no clue from the description that she did misidentify (foreshadowing). Spruce asserting the misidentification works very well, but alas, I had to reread it to get it. I'd have rather his eyes be orange instead of standard timberwolf green. The "automated coach" has orange lights, so this would have been perfect. I'd have also rather Golden Earring mention she was running from a timberwolf, then in the last paragraph think "not a timberwolf" to hammer the point home of misidentification. Last, true you've pulled in a gun into the MLP universe and by the rules of science fiction, I'm absolutely willing to give you one special unexplained bit of tech, and it makes the story simpler because we haven't the luxury of time to make things better during a writeoff, but I question the choice of an automated coach. A farmer's wagon being pulled by a farmer (logger, whatever) would have fit better.

BTW, missing the word "eyes" in "His glowed green.."
#9016 · 1
· on Dance Dance Revolution · >>horizon
Okay, very funny. Completely nonsensical absurd, but funny. You tagged the characters well, especially RD. It did leave me feeling I was in a Twilight zone.