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Science fiction author
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FiM Minific
17th
73%
153
Awesome!
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FiM Short Story
12th
39%
134
A Timey Nightmare
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FiM Short Story
5th
33%
91
Blue Moon, Fire Sun
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FiM Minific
31st
46%
73
It's Your Turn
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Original Minific
8th
30%
32
A Day Off?
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FiM Minific
13th
8%
3
Forgotten Lessons Remembered
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FiM Short Story
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A Daughter of Forest Green
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Original Short Story
7th
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Temporal Entanglement
#19958 · 4
·
Gosh! I can't believe I wrote and proofread until the the last 10 seconds, but I'm in. Only started late Saturday night. A few typos. Oh well. Be kind to all the writers of the stories you read.
#20576 · 3
·
>>Cold in Gardez
>>horizon
Yep. I submit my first draft, then every major revision up to the deadline. I actually had over an hour, this time, when I told myself, "That's it. Go to bed."
#21456 · 3
·
Huh? The prompt rings true. Maybe I'll try it.
#21470 · 3
· on Blue Montage
On theme and competently written. I give you credit for setting the scene visually and creating characters that had their own agendas and realistic feelings. Good message. Good work.
#21471 · 3
· on The Kiss
Very intriguing. There were a few awkward constructions, but over all a very clean manuscript. I like how you kept to the theme and how the parallelism between the characters helped set up a nice ethical thought problem. It's a good idea and mostly well executed. I do have a criticism: Naming Jesus was unnecessary and lessened the story's impact dramatically. If ever there was a place for the ambiguous ending trope, this was it. I'd wager no reader had any doubt as to who the characters were once you threw in the loaded word, disciple. Leaving the identities unstated, ambiguous, strips the story of religiosity (or anti-) and allows the reader to think and ponder unrestrained. In my mind, that is what a writer aims for: getting the reader to think long after putting the story down. Try reading the story without the penultimate sentence. Regardless... good story.
#8770 · 2
· on No Boys Allowed
Very cute. Well executed, too, though I am surprised Spike didn't actually manage to eat some of the gems. Oh, well.

Like Zaid, the last paragraph did not bother me but it did interrupt me enough that I thought about it. The POV at first seems to be Spike ("elation!" "misery!") before firmly becoming Night Light's. Were it immediately apparent that it was Night Light narrating, making the story about him dealing with being a parent, the story might feel a tad more mature and make the last paragraph more acceptable.

The usage of ponderous is technically correct. He is pondering. What I understood though was the "slow and clumsy because of great weight" definition when I first read it and was forced to reread the sentence.
#15915 · 2
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Whitbane
None... if that's okay with you.
#20766 · 2
· · >>CoffeeMinion
Well, didn't think I'd actually make this contest. No ideas until I had one. The judging of the last one was brutal, but the entries are always so good and fun to read. Nevertheless, I sat down and eight hours later, I've submitted my first draft. Yes, I'm going to clean it up and post the edited version, but I've got a completed story should I derp out. Best of luck to everyone (everypony?). I made my best effort to grab your heart; please write something wonderful for me to read in return!
#20768 · 2
· · >>PinoyPony
>>CoffeeMinion
Good luck back.

My first paragraph stood there the longest time, to be truthful. I had to ask myself, why?

I knew the idea well enough, even where it would go, but zip nothing nada, word constipation despite the deadline. I walked away, came back, walked away... Ridiculous. Write or go watch an anime!

I forced a motivation check. Fear of not finishing?

Well, that was then true already and I was already living the consequences. Fear of the story not being good?

Wouldn't know until I finished it. Fear of a mangling a character in ways a reader might not like?

Could well be. Often's the case and I can't know until it's read, and that means it has to completed and submitted. Was that any reason not to practice?

Would it kill me, maim me, scar me, or otherwise hurt me to let the words flow and stop thinking of why not to write?

Would anybody ever know*?

...Well, I got myself there.

Please find your zen zone.


*As it turned out, yes.
#20813 · 2
· on Destroying Pedestria: yrotS evoL A · >>horizon
Up front, I'll admit I'm not much of a judge of experimental narrative styles.

When I first started reading Suzzane Collins' The Hunger Games, I didn't like the third person present tense; when I picked up the book the second time, I got used to it after eight pages and enjoyed the trilogy. Tracts of her book demonstrate that she couldn't write past tense well, but with your use of third person future tense, and all tenses in between, I can see you know your craft. The shattered tense choice for Discord I think is a perfect idea, and it fits his character well*. I found the narrative style fascinating in an of itself, and how you juxtaposed it with the backwards words, the opposite sides of the mirror, the opposite sides of time, and multiple character inputs actually worked well. Your deconstruction of the Equestria Girls universe I think may be the cutest part. Parasitic, sucking the magic out of Equestria... Ha!

And I learned a new word: Vantablack.

Therein lies the problems with this story, as illustrated by "Vantablack." Please take this from the POV on a single reader with the caveat of my first sentence above and take what I say, or leave it, as you choose.

The plot felt pretty much lost in the surprising puzzle that the writing presented me as a reader. Vantablack blind-sided me as I read it, but I kept reading, soldiering on for about a page until I was puzzled enough about why the word was there that I searched for words starting with V, found it, and looked it up. The point is that all these sparkly baubles pulled me out of the story**. I saw the fascinating crystalline lattice, but never saw the diamond. I sense that Discord learned something, but I don't know what or why that matters or why I should care.

But I sure do really like that crystal! So much so, that I think it would make a really good narrative device for another story when you have plenty of time to plan how to attach plot and character development securely to the scaffold it will provide. I've read some published SF that was as time-and-place fractured as your story is and, oddly, it's stuck with me for decades. Now and again, certain events in my life remind me of passages in a book***. Certainly, don't abandon the narrative style after one try! ...even though the MacBeth quote, "full of sound and fury, but signifying nothing," does apply to this specific story.

Nevertheless—good work.


*Sadly, I don't think you quite got the rhythm of his dialog well. Sometimes yes, mostly no.
** And any time you distract a reader from the story, that reader may put it down and never read it again. You want your readers immersed and unaware of their surroundings.
*** Yep. Found it. The book was Spaceling by Doris Piserchia (1978). Going to have to read it again, soon.