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You Open this Door with the Key of Friendship
It was evening when Twilight had managed to settle down in the Castle of Friendship's main library. Even in the feeble light from her candle, anypony could see that the walls, from the floor to the top of the cathedral ceilings, were filled with books.
Twilight had spent ages trying to fit reading time back into her schedule ever since becoming a princess. With her new royal duties taking up so much of her time, she had so few chances nowadays to just sit down and read.
Just as she opened to page one of the first book, Starswirl the Bearded's Thesis on Temporal Anomalies, a voice seemed to sound from everywhere in the room at once.
"Welcome and good evening."
Twilight craned her head around to see if she could identify the source of the peculiar voice. All she accomplished was straining her neck and identifying several regions of deep shadow within the library.
"Tonight's episode is special, and requires a different form of introduction."
"Hello?" She called out to the empty library.
"This," the word was punctuated by a sudden unnatural increase in illumination of both Twilight and her immediate surroundings, "is Twilight Sparkle, the newly crowned Princess of Friendship."
"Who's there?" Twilight shouted into the darkness, which was becoming harder to see into due to the spotlights that seemed to be trained exclusively upon her. She stood up and started backing out of the light and toward's the library's exit.
"Tonight we invite you, if you dare, to follow this mare on her current path—"
Twilight continued backing towards the door that led towards the castle's main hall. In her now rising panic, Twilight's alicorn powers were completely forgotten. The fear of not being able to see the speaker was causing her eyes to frantically dart around and her heart rate to quicken.
"—a path that leads directly... into the Twilight Zone"
Her flanks collided with something that was, most certainly, not a library table. She turned to face the towering shadow that was the pony she had bumped into.
His mouth opened, as if to speak, but Twilight was already galloping down the crystal hallways, screaming more than she had during her first attempts at participating in Ponyville's Winter Wrapup activities..
—About 30 Minutes Later—
Twilight slammed and bolted the door behind her. Only a small portion of her brain was worried about accidentally shattering the crystal portal.
Her breathing was heavy and her muscles ached from overexertion. She had been running, terrified in her own castle for neigh on half an hour now.
She pressed an ear to the door and listened. Her guts turned to ice at the possibility of hearing hoofsteps in a trot or gallop down the halls.
She couldn't hear anything.
She heaved a heavy sigh of relief. She'd finally gotten away. She turned to move further into the room but collided with another pony who had been standing there silently Since she'd entered the room.
She screamed.
Twilight had spent ages trying to fit reading time back into her schedule ever since becoming a princess. With her new royal duties taking up so much of her time, she had so few chances nowadays to just sit down and read.
Just as she opened to page one of the first book, Starswirl the Bearded's Thesis on Temporal Anomalies, a voice seemed to sound from everywhere in the room at once.
"Welcome and good evening."
Twilight craned her head around to see if she could identify the source of the peculiar voice. All she accomplished was straining her neck and identifying several regions of deep shadow within the library.
"Tonight's episode is special, and requires a different form of introduction."
"Hello?" She called out to the empty library.
"This," the word was punctuated by a sudden unnatural increase in illumination of both Twilight and her immediate surroundings, "is Twilight Sparkle, the newly crowned Princess of Friendship."
"Who's there?" Twilight shouted into the darkness, which was becoming harder to see into due to the spotlights that seemed to be trained exclusively upon her. She stood up and started backing out of the light and toward's the library's exit.
"Tonight we invite you, if you dare, to follow this mare on her current path—"
Twilight continued backing towards the door that led towards the castle's main hall. In her now rising panic, Twilight's alicorn powers were completely forgotten. The fear of not being able to see the speaker was causing her eyes to frantically dart around and her heart rate to quicken.
"—a path that leads directly... into the Twilight Zone"
Her flanks collided with something that was, most certainly, not a library table. She turned to face the towering shadow that was the pony she had bumped into.
His mouth opened, as if to speak, but Twilight was already galloping down the crystal hallways, screaming more than she had during her first attempts at participating in Ponyville's Winter Wrapup activities..
—About 30 Minutes Later—
Twilight slammed and bolted the door behind her. Only a small portion of her brain was worried about accidentally shattering the crystal portal.
Her breathing was heavy and her muscles ached from overexertion. She had been running, terrified in her own castle for neigh on half an hour now.
She pressed an ear to the door and listened. Her guts turned to ice at the possibility of hearing hoofsteps in a trot or gallop down the halls.
She couldn't hear anything.
She heaved a heavy sigh of relief. She'd finally gotten away. She turned to move further into the room but collided with another pony who had been standing there silently Since she'd entered the room.
She screamed.
The problem with suspenseful minifics is that there just isn’t enough time to build up the tension, especially not in under five hundred words. Plus, when most of the story is a frankly humorous scene of Twilight not being able to see Rod Serling and the shocks are so minimally described, there’s nothing there to grip the reader’s heart. This will need some heavy work to get the effect you’re trying for.
Oh, and for those wondering about the title, it’s a riff on one of the openings for The Twilight Zone.
Oh, and for those wondering about the title, it’s a riff on one of the openings for The Twilight Zone.
I agree with FoME. This idea could do well played as a comedy, but the execution is lacking. I would be happier to see the BookWarrior, Princess Sparkle, Conqueror of Tirek, taking a more active role in the defense of her home and castle than just running around in a panic. Mysterious all-seeing spirits should be the kind of problem that is right up her intellectual alley, and a successful comedy should play to that.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
You just had to open your mouth, didn't you?
Alright...
First off, let me sum my voice to the ones before me who called for a better tonal consistency. The intro seems to be setting a satirical comedy with Twilight being haunted by the voice of Rod Sterling, and I'm not going to lie, I'd love to read that story. However, the latter portion seems to be going for a more straightforward suspense/horror scenario akin to an actual episode of the Twilight Zone. Whichever your aim was, author, I suggest you define what exactly that was and fully embrace it.
Onto more specific criticism, I feel the first three paragraphs are a bit superfluous. Just one concise and descriptive sentence to establish the setting should be enough. Hell, you could probably even start with Rod's intro right of the bat and describe Twilight's shock afterwards. That way the sense of unease and the knowledge something is off comes more clearly to the reader.
It's just a suggestion, but take it as a sign that this story is brimming with potential.
You just had to open your mouth, didn't you?
Alright...
First off, let me sum my voice to the ones before me who called for a better tonal consistency. The intro seems to be setting a satirical comedy with Twilight being haunted by the voice of Rod Sterling, and I'm not going to lie, I'd love to read that story. However, the latter portion seems to be going for a more straightforward suspense/horror scenario akin to an actual episode of the Twilight Zone. Whichever your aim was, author, I suggest you define what exactly that was and fully embrace it.
Onto more specific criticism, I feel the first three paragraphs are a bit superfluous. Just one concise and descriptive sentence to establish the setting should be enough. Hell, you could probably even start with Rod's intro right of the bat and describe Twilight's shock afterwards. That way the sense of unease and the knowledge something is off comes more clearly to the reader.
It's just a suggestion, but take it as a sign that this story is brimming with potential.
Torn on this one. The premise is nice, the narrator speaks and Twilight can hear them and it freaks her out. Is it supposed to be Rod Sterling? They talk like Rod Sterling.
But then... was this trying to go for comedy or for suspense? We are never properly introduced to the narrator, which could have provided help in either direction.
Also, Twilight gets jumpscared the same way twice, you should try to mix it up.
But then... was this trying to go for comedy or for suspense? We are never properly introduced to the narrator, which could have provided help in either direction.
Also, Twilight gets jumpscared the same way twice, you should try to mix it up.
So... the Narrator is a mysterious pony inside Twilight's castle? Except the first part seems to make it clear she's hearing a disembodied voice, so the embodyment of the voice in the later part seems odd. Or is that meant to be something else entirely? I really don't know what to make of this. Twilight seems to wildly over-react to hearing a strange voice saying things that aren't terribly threatening, so it comes across not so much as a horror story as a "Twilight is being neurotic" story, except the physical pony somehow in the locked room suggests maybe the danger is real, but there's no sense of danger as we read up until that point, so it feels very sudden and maybe a little too ambiguous.
Genre: Prelude to being hit by (beat) being struck by (beat) a smooth criminal?
Thoughts: Others have covered the important points in detail. My bottom-line criticism is that we had a fun and light-creepy "Twilight hears the narrator" story going on here until there was suddenly a stallion in her room. The stuff that followed was quality prose but it didn't address the 'uuuuge tonal whiplash of going from comedy to OMG STALKER in the blink of an eye. If anything, the closing line hammered home that we'd gone all the way to stranger danger, early comedy be hanged.
You could get a good story out of Twilight hearing the narrator. You could get a good story out of Rod Sterling In Equestria. You could get a good story out of a creepy intruder stalking Twilight (though messing with an alicorn princess would seem to require any/all of elevated power levels, a death wish, and/or good insurance). You could even mix and match a little and probably do okay (submitted for your approval: Rod Sterling narrates as Twilight fends off a superpowered stalker). But the current mixture might just need more words to make itself clearer.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: Others have covered the important points in detail. My bottom-line criticism is that we had a fun and light-creepy "Twilight hears the narrator" story going on here until there was suddenly a stallion in her room. The stuff that followed was quality prose but it didn't address the 'uuuuge tonal whiplash of going from comedy to OMG STALKER in the blink of an eye. If anything, the closing line hammered home that we'd gone all the way to stranger danger, early comedy be hanged.
You could get a good story out of Twilight hearing the narrator. You could get a good story out of Rod Sterling In Equestria. You could get a good story out of a creepy intruder stalking Twilight (though messing with an alicorn princess would seem to require any/all of elevated power levels, a death wish, and/or good insurance). You could even mix and match a little and probably do okay (submitted for your approval: Rod Sterling narrates as Twilight fends off a superpowered stalker). But the current mixture might just need more words to make itself clearer.
Tier: Needs Work
I chuckled and in spite of some of the rough patches I had a little fun. It also fit the theme too so, kudos. I took this as more of a comedy in the vein of Stranger Than Fiction.
Mostly I'll just second what others have said. The intro and the end are different things, and that just doesn't work. To be blunt, the end bit, with the running and the screaming (and the glaven!) it didn't convey any real sense of fear or horror at all. So yeah, take that first bit, and make something more out of it, and skip the direct cut to an actual "horror" episode of The Twilight Zone.
Twilight Sparkle Runs from a Disembodied Voice?
...Funny premise, I suppose, but the story doesn't do much with it. Also, while I can understand a fearful response to a mysterious voice from beyond that only you can hear, the words that the narrator is saying would probably elicit confusion rather than terrified running.
Especially from Precocious Purplesmart. I feel like this is something she'd try to analyze and quantify.
...Funny premise, I suppose, but the story doesn't do much with it. Also, while I can understand a fearful response to a mysterious voice from beyond that only you can hear, the words that the narrator is saying would probably elicit confusion rather than terrified running.
Especially from Precocious Purplesmart. I feel like this is something she'd try to analyze and quantify.
"Meep!" said Fluttershy.
Sorry, the last line seemed to be missing, so I'll fill it back in here.
More seriously - see all the other comments. Too much setup, not enough payoff, torn between comedy and suspense/horror, would be improved by picking one direction and going in it. What's here now is an entertaining ride until it ends, at which point I feel disappointed because I was crediting all the repetition and buildup with increasing amounts of "there'll be a payoff for all this at the end" and then there wasn't enough of one. A common mistake - keep it in mind for next time!