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To Serve Friendship
Twilight smiled at the retreating tails of a unicorn and an earth pony from the impromptu high seat in the library of Ponyville Castle[1]. The expression was not entirely forced; the audience had seemed to go well, and she thought that the two ponies looked more at ease with each other as they walked out than they had when they’d walked in.
Once they’d turned the corner out of sight, Twilight slumped in her chair, her breath rushing out in a quiet whoosh and her smile sliding down to something more neutral and tired. She turned to Spike.
“They were the last ones for today, right?”
Spike wouldn’t look Twilight in the eye. His hands were clasped behind his back and he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. “Well… actually… I just got someone asking to see you right away.”
Twilight’s whole face scrunched up. “Seriously? Couldn’t you ask them to wait until tomorrow, at least?”
Spike opened his mouth, paused, then continued hesitantly, “I really don’t think so.”
Twilight stared at Spike for a long moment, waiting for him to elaborate, but he just went back to fidgeting with his claws and carefully staring right above and to the side of her head. Twilight sighed in defeat, “Fine. Go get them, please.”
Spike shot out the door and Twilight composed her face as best she could. She heard somepony coming very soon, and she had to work hard to not let her eyebrows crawl up her forehead as the heavy, angry hooffalls approached.
Finally, her supplicants appeared, and it took all of Twilight’s self control to not let out all the exclamations that started going off in her head; Princess Luna stomped through the doorway, her brow furrowed angrily, her teeth slightly bared, her head low, and her starry mane and tail whipping in an unseen breeze. Princess Celestia trailed after her, her head also low, but her shoulders hunched slightly, her wings fluffed out a bit, and her mouth pressed into a thin line. She looked up at Twilight with an apology in her eyes.
“Twilight Sparkle,” boomed Luna without preamble, “we stand before thee to request thy judgement on a matter most grave!”
Twilight found her voice. “Uh. Okay—I mean,” she cleared her throat, “Very well. Please, in your own words, tell me what’s happened, one at a time.”
Luna needed no further invitation. She leveled an accusing hoof at Celestia. “This mare has done me a foul injustice!” She paused, apparently for dramatic effect. Twilight found worry gnawing at her insides as the anxious wing of her brain[2] began to spin visions of civil conflict in a divided Equestria.
“Pray, Twilight—didst thou notice that this evening’s sunset was delayed?” Twilight shook her head mutely. She hadn’t been watching the clock at the time; it had been in the middle of the prior meeting.
“Well, ‘twas indeed. For this mare—” Luna shook the hoof that was still pointed at Celestia “—was not present to attend to her duties in a timely fashion!”
Twilight’s brow wrinkled, and she opened her mouth to ask if that was it, but Luna charged onward.
“Indeed! Instead, she—” the hoof shook again “—was dawdling in secret at the back of the pantry, pilfering the Everfree Forest Cake reserved for my tea!”
Twilight closed her eyes, took one deep breath, released it, then slowly turned to look at Celestia. After a moment, Celestia nodded once, then looked away.
Twilight sighed, and then she got down to her business: solving friendship problems. By the time they left, Twilight had sentenced them both to weekly appointments at her castle.
[1] The only ‘throne room’ the castle had come with was the map room. Rarity had insisted to Twilight that a round table was no place to hold Court, no matter how informal the proceedings, nor how small-scale the problems. Twilight had quickly decided she liked ruling from the library better, anyway.
[2] She had to be honest—it wasn’t just an anxious corner, or even an anxious room.
Once they’d turned the corner out of sight, Twilight slumped in her chair, her breath rushing out in a quiet whoosh and her smile sliding down to something more neutral and tired. She turned to Spike.
“They were the last ones for today, right?”
Spike wouldn’t look Twilight in the eye. His hands were clasped behind his back and he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. “Well… actually… I just got someone asking to see you right away.”
Twilight’s whole face scrunched up. “Seriously? Couldn’t you ask them to wait until tomorrow, at least?”
Spike opened his mouth, paused, then continued hesitantly, “I really don’t think so.”
Twilight stared at Spike for a long moment, waiting for him to elaborate, but he just went back to fidgeting with his claws and carefully staring right above and to the side of her head. Twilight sighed in defeat, “Fine. Go get them, please.”
Spike shot out the door and Twilight composed her face as best she could. She heard somepony coming very soon, and she had to work hard to not let her eyebrows crawl up her forehead as the heavy, angry hooffalls approached.
Finally, her supplicants appeared, and it took all of Twilight’s self control to not let out all the exclamations that started going off in her head; Princess Luna stomped through the doorway, her brow furrowed angrily, her teeth slightly bared, her head low, and her starry mane and tail whipping in an unseen breeze. Princess Celestia trailed after her, her head also low, but her shoulders hunched slightly, her wings fluffed out a bit, and her mouth pressed into a thin line. She looked up at Twilight with an apology in her eyes.
“Twilight Sparkle,” boomed Luna without preamble, “we stand before thee to request thy judgement on a matter most grave!”
Twilight found her voice. “Uh. Okay—I mean,” she cleared her throat, “Very well. Please, in your own words, tell me what’s happened, one at a time.”
Luna needed no further invitation. She leveled an accusing hoof at Celestia. “This mare has done me a foul injustice!” She paused, apparently for dramatic effect. Twilight found worry gnawing at her insides as the anxious wing of her brain[2] began to spin visions of civil conflict in a divided Equestria.
“Pray, Twilight—didst thou notice that this evening’s sunset was delayed?” Twilight shook her head mutely. She hadn’t been watching the clock at the time; it had been in the middle of the prior meeting.
“Well, ‘twas indeed. For this mare—” Luna shook the hoof that was still pointed at Celestia “—was not present to attend to her duties in a timely fashion!”
Twilight’s brow wrinkled, and she opened her mouth to ask if that was it, but Luna charged onward.
“Indeed! Instead, she—” the hoof shook again “—was dawdling in secret at the back of the pantry, pilfering the Everfree Forest Cake reserved for my tea!”
Twilight closed her eyes, took one deep breath, released it, then slowly turned to look at Celestia. After a moment, Celestia nodded once, then looked away.
Twilight sighed, and then she got down to her business: solving friendship problems. By the time they left, Twilight had sentenced them both to weekly appointments at her castle.
[1] The only ‘throne room’ the castle had come with was the map room. Rarity had insisted to Twilight that a round table was no place to hold Court, no matter how informal the proceedings, nor how small-scale the problems. Twilight had quickly decided she liked ruling from the library better, anyway.
[2] She had to be honest—it wasn’t just an anxious corner, or even an anxious room.
I'm aware that this may seem a shredding of the story, but I feel that if I can articulate why something didn't work for me, then it maybe can be useful for the author. As for all my criticism, Author, feel free to ignore everything here.
Twilight in her role as Princess of Friendship is a quite flexible setup. It can lead to a lot of different and interesting stories, them being character exploration, absurdist escapades or the dissection of ethical issues. In this case the story feels a bit unfocused. Coupled with the word limit, this means that it never manages to take off, which is a shame.
Twilights voice and demeanor were good, if a bit on the side of earlier seasons when she still struggled with her role. Spike was spot on, probably the best part of this story. You also used footnotes, which are one of my many, many weaknesses. Also having Twilight be the arbiter of a fight between Luna and Celestia is a great source of conflict that could develop in multiple ways.
Sadly the problem I talked about before, the lack of focus, is something that drags all the good in this story down, at least a bit. The footnotes never lived up to their potential, the long introduction (about half the story) stole space to the meat of the fic. Luna and Celestia's disagreement itself was a bit weak. Serviceable but lacking surprise. The resolution itself felt rushed.
The details you added, like holding court in the library, are nice and could work well in a longer story.
This story really needs focus and space to breathe. Depending on what you want it to be you may need to rework the conflict among the sisters.
Twilight in her role as Princess of Friendship is a quite flexible setup. It can lead to a lot of different and interesting stories, them being character exploration, absurdist escapades or the dissection of ethical issues. In this case the story feels a bit unfocused. Coupled with the word limit, this means that it never manages to take off, which is a shame.
Twilights voice and demeanor were good, if a bit on the side of earlier seasons when she still struggled with her role. Spike was spot on, probably the best part of this story. You also used footnotes, which are one of my many, many weaknesses. Also having Twilight be the arbiter of a fight between Luna and Celestia is a great source of conflict that could develop in multiple ways.
Sadly the problem I talked about before, the lack of focus, is something that drags all the good in this story down, at least a bit. The footnotes never lived up to their potential, the long introduction (about half the story) stole space to the meat of the fic. Luna and Celestia's disagreement itself was a bit weak. Serviceable but lacking surprise. The resolution itself felt rushed.
The details you added, like holding court in the library, are nice and could work well in a longer story.
This story really needs focus and space to breathe. Depending on what you want it to be you may need to rework the conflict among the sisters.
Hmm. "Twilight Zone" is only loosely relevant here, so it feels like this hasn't got much to do with the prompt. It is a cute little story, and everything is well-characterized. But the footnotes really do waste a lot of words on something so limited, and don't seem to add much. I do *like* the "anxious wing" thing, it's amusing, but does it really need to be in a footnote and not in line with the story? (Also, to be honest, I have a strong suspicion I know who wrote this one...)
Still, overall it was a nicely enjoyable read.
Still, overall it was a nicely enjoyable read.
My comments are more or less the same than >>Orbiting_kettle's for both the good things and the rest, so I won't repeat them.
Still, I think the comedy could be better if you would have emphasize more on the last lines.
Celestia the teacher being lectured by her student is a fun thing to imagine but here it is resolved with only one sentence. Too bad, I guess the word-count was, once again, what has caused this.
Still, I think the comedy could be better if you would have emphasize more on the last lines.
By the time they left, Twilight had sentenced them both to weekly appointments at her castle.
Celestia the teacher being lectured by her student is a fun thing to imagine but here it is resolved with only one sentence. Too bad, I guess the word-count was, once again, what has caused this.
The writing here is very nice. I'd get rid of the footnotes (they're not that amusing, and they take up lots of words), but I'd gladly keep reading this if this were a full story.
However, the action is way too slow. Nearly the entire story is taken by the opening, then suddenly the main conflict is introduced and resolved... in literally five sentences. (Also, the "Celestia sure loves cake" gag is so cliche that using it for the Big Reveal feels rather lazy.)
It was still an enjoyable read while it lasted, and I'd be interested in reading further should you wish to expand upon the story (and please, do come up with something more original than a cake joke D:)
However, the action is way too slow. Nearly the entire story is taken by the opening, then suddenly the main conflict is introduced and resolved... in literally five sentences. (Also, the "Celestia sure loves cake" gag is so cliche that using it for the Big Reveal feels rather lazy.)
It was still an enjoyable read while it lasted, and I'd be interested in reading further should you wish to expand upon the story (and please, do come up with something more original than a cake joke D:)
So, weirdly enough, I guess the emotional arc for this one is entirely in Twilight's head?
That's interesting. It's also, I think, part of why I found this a little unsatisfying; the resolution to this story is, in the end, the realization that there really isn't a problem here at all, so there's no point in worrying. I'm not saying that can't work, but as-is, it's a bit... hmm. I want to say say something here about lack of agency, but that's not really a problem. All I can say is that, maybe if this built up a bit more, went even further into the panic/ridiculous side of things, I'd have found it more than mildly amusing? If Twilight's annoyance/worry was introduced sooner, and Luna was even more emphatic, and... Mmm. Maybe not, I dunno. I feel like that runs the risk of alienating another side of the audience, who would find it simply annoying.
Eh, well. Maybe there's something worth thinking about in that rambling. I enjoyed this somewhat, even if it was just for the mental picture of Celestia acting sheepish. Oh, and it has a complete arc/didn't unduly confuse me, which is... surprisingly uncommon this round. :P
That's interesting. It's also, I think, part of why I found this a little unsatisfying; the resolution to this story is, in the end, the realization that there really isn't a problem here at all, so there's no point in worrying. I'm not saying that can't work, but as-is, it's a bit... hmm. I want to say say something here about lack of agency, but that's not really a problem. All I can say is that, maybe if this built up a bit more, went even further into the panic/ridiculous side of things, I'd have found it more than mildly amusing? If Twilight's annoyance/worry was introduced sooner, and Luna was even more emphatic, and... Mmm. Maybe not, I dunno. I feel like that runs the risk of alienating another side of the audience, who would find it simply annoying.
Eh, well. Maybe there's something worth thinking about in that rambling. I enjoyed this somewhat, even if it was just for the mental picture of Celestia acting sheepish. Oh, and it has a complete arc/didn't unduly confuse me, which is... surprisingly uncommon this round. :P
Calling it now: It’s a cookbook.
Oh dear. Careful with those footnotes; it could be all too easy for me to accidentally spoil myself.
Yeah, pretty much what Kettle said. Too much lead-up, dissatisfying payoff. Still, that can easily be fixed by expanding the deliberation process between the two sisters. As you add material to it, you’ll both have ample room for further absurdity and correct the imbalance between introduction and main body.
Oh dear. Careful with those footnotes; it could be all too easy for me to accidentally spoil myself.
Yeah, pretty much what Kettle said. Too much lead-up, dissatisfying payoff. Still, that can easily be fixed by expanding the deliberation process between the two sisters. As you add material to it, you’ll both have ample room for further absurdity and correct the imbalance between introduction and main body.
Okay, so insomniac me is going back over some of these, looking at other people's comments, etc. and this one in particular keeps niggling at me. I'm seeing all these "expand, expand, expand" comments, and I just put my finger on why those haven't sat right with me.
I think people have actually missed the genre of this story entirely. It's not a Friendship Problem story, it's a comedy. The "resolution" is a punch line, and a punch line should have punch. Expanding on a punch line doesn't make it punchier, it makes it less funny. And there's the thing I think is the actual flaw. I smiled at the end of this, but I didn't laugh out loud. The punch line needs to be more punchy, not less. I feel that if anything including cake, and sheepish Celestia, and the weekly appointments could be cut down? It's like three little joke hits in a row there, and that may actually be diluting the humor a bit. (I actually laughed more at the "anxious wing" than at the ending, which is part of why I thought maybe it should be in-line not in footnotes? Though really, having footnote jokes that are funnier than the main text jokes is only following in the grand tradition of writers like Terry Pratchett, so maybe that's not a problem after all. The throne room one I'm still not so sure about, it's not really doing much for me, but it does keep the anxious wing one from being all alone, so maybe it serves a purpose.)
Anyhow. Comedy is really not my genre, so maybe somebody who writes more of it than I do can give a more concrete suggestion, but I really feel like all the folks asking for more detail about the conflict are missing the fact that it exists solely to set up the last few lines as punch lines, and expanding on that would probably be a mistake.
I think people have actually missed the genre of this story entirely. It's not a Friendship Problem story, it's a comedy. The "resolution" is a punch line, and a punch line should have punch. Expanding on a punch line doesn't make it punchier, it makes it less funny. And there's the thing I think is the actual flaw. I smiled at the end of this, but I didn't laugh out loud. The punch line needs to be more punchy, not less. I feel that if anything including cake, and sheepish Celestia, and the weekly appointments could be cut down? It's like three little joke hits in a row there, and that may actually be diluting the humor a bit. (I actually laughed more at the "anxious wing" than at the ending, which is part of why I thought maybe it should be in-line not in footnotes? Though really, having footnote jokes that are funnier than the main text jokes is only following in the grand tradition of writers like Terry Pratchett, so maybe that's not a problem after all. The throne room one I'm still not so sure about, it's not really doing much for me, but it does keep the anxious wing one from being all alone, so maybe it serves a purpose.)
Anyhow. Comedy is really not my genre, so maybe somebody who writes more of it than I do can give a more concrete suggestion, but I really feel like all the folks asking for more detail about the conflict are missing the fact that it exists solely to set up the last few lines as punch lines, and expanding on that would probably be a mistake.
It's actually an okay story. The title is a play off of The Twilight Zone title and it also kind of reveals the ending. She 'serves' them with a decision to remand them to counseling.
So the hook in this one doesn't show up until halfway through... the Sisters have a conflict they're bringing to Twilight Court. That's good stuff, played either straight OR for comedy (as it is here) but the problem is that nothing else happens. The comedic "twist" is too obvious (as you're already out of words) and nothing really funny or unexpected comes from it.
In another story, this could be a great set up, but it lacks the comedic punch to work in this frame.
In another story, this could be a great set up, but it lacks the comedic punch to work in this frame.
Post by
Shadowed_Song
, deleted
This is the first I've sen of Arbiter Twilight, and pairing it with Celestia and Luna having a tiff is all the better. Cake-fiend Celestia is a bit derivative at this point, but it became so because it works well, so no skin off in the long run.
Footnotes are a bold choice with word limits as tight as they are, but I think you used them to both comedic and clarifying effect.
Footnotes are a bold choice with word limits as tight as they are, but I think you used them to both comedic and clarifying effect.