Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Genre: First (second?)-Person Shooter
Thoughts: I'm far from a 2nd person enthusiast, though I've blundered into a few of them of late, and I think I can begin to see the appeal. Honestly this story was effective at selling me on the potential offered by the format, because it felt like a tense and gripping session of playing a first-person shooter. Granted, it's hard to translate the experience of one medium to another; I've got a story in the works (not in this Writeoff) where two of the climactic moments come from the characters playing music together, and the best I can do is try to paint around the edges of the experience and hope the audience will fill in the rest themselves. IMO this story attempts something similar and succeeds for the most part.
Ah, but the but: the swearing was jarring, post-apoc setting or not. The ending was also dissatisfying. By the end I had come to care enough about "me" and wonder enough about the setting that I wanted to see more revelations about it and get a clear sense of "my" fate. By having it stop where it did, I feel like I'm denied additional meaning on either front. Now maybe "I" die at the end, and that's the point of it... but without more clues or payoff for what it all meant, I'm left cold.
Still, I think I could really get into this with a bit of finishing work.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I'm far from a 2nd person enthusiast, though I've blundered into a few of them of late, and I think I can begin to see the appeal. Honestly this story was effective at selling me on the potential offered by the format, because it felt like a tense and gripping session of playing a first-person shooter. Granted, it's hard to translate the experience of one medium to another; I've got a story in the works (not in this Writeoff) where two of the climactic moments come from the characters playing music together, and the best I can do is try to paint around the edges of the experience and hope the audience will fill in the rest themselves. IMO this story attempts something similar and succeeds for the most part.
Ah, but the but: the swearing was jarring, post-apoc setting or not. The ending was also dissatisfying. By the end I had come to care enough about "me" and wonder enough about the setting that I wanted to see more revelations about it and get a clear sense of "my" fate. By having it stop where it did, I feel like I'm denied additional meaning on either front. Now maybe "I" die at the end, and that's the point of it... but without more clues or payoff for what it all meant, I'm left cold.
Still, I think I could really get into this with a bit of finishing work.
Tier: Almost There
Nice worldbuilding. But aside from that and the pleasant prose, all this really has is 'Twilight did a bad thing!' which kinda works? But it isn't really very satisfying. There's not much emotional texture here, except a kinda-sorta reveal, which... I rather saw coming. I'd like this to have a bit more swing, be a little more extreme or something, maybe?
Genre: Comedy/(auto)biography(?)
Thoughts: Dear Author, please get out of my house. You have told a witty recap of my experience raising some rather nontraditonal kids. Also, the promise of later "girl time" is unfair given your unlikely willingness to follow through. Shame on you. (lol jk or am I...)
OK in all seriousness, this nailed it in every way except possibly the closing line, which fit the setting in the larger sense but which was a mismatch for the overall tone, as my esteemed colleague >>Moosetasm so cromulently pointed out. But that's basically the only nit I can pick here. The story is simple but effective; the comedy is spot-on; the prose is a delight to read; the dad joke is bona-fide. Go put this on FimFiction and I would have no objections to faving it.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Dear Author, please get out of my house. You have told a witty recap of my experience raising some rather nontraditonal kids. Also, the promise of later "girl time" is unfair given your unlikely willingness to follow through. Shame on you. (lol jk or am I...)
OK in all seriousness, this nailed it in every way except possibly the closing line, which fit the setting in the larger sense but which was a mismatch for the overall tone, as my esteemed colleague >>Moosetasm so cromulently pointed out. But that's basically the only nit I can pick here. The story is simple but effective; the comedy is spot-on; the prose is a delight to read; the dad joke is bona-fide. Go put this on FimFiction and I would have no objections to faving it.
Tier: Top Contender
Tom grunted a monosyllablic assent, and seeing Colonel Tom Stafford
Using Tom's name twice separate from each other is awkward, and that's a rough start early on here.
"Hey, Tom, uh. Is your - is your insulation all burned off here? On the front side of your window over here?"
I'm... not actually sure what the specific scene is or what's happening here yet. Which is bad. They're in a spaceship of some sort, obviously, but what are they doing. Why are they just sitting not trying to fix or investigate anything? If Tom is next to Gene, shouldn't he be able to see his window himself?
"Yes, I got it, too.
"Got" what? The burning?
If that was the way the universe was,
But he wouldn't believe it until he saw it.
The flow of this paragraph feels contradictory. The lead-in sounds like immediate acceptance, but the end clarifies it's anything but. Changing out "wouldn't believe" for something like "if that was the world he lived in, he needed to face it with his own eyes." Except then that repeats the second sentence there too closely.
"Boy, that sure is weird music," he mused.
So Gene recovers from an encounter with an alien that might also be a Higher Power, and this is his first reaction? Going back to thinking the music is weird, something he had already devoted plenty of thought to earlier?
what John had done or seen
what had John seen or done? Wasn't Gene the one watching everything?
"I wouldn't believe there's anyone out there."
Who said this, in response to what?
"Astronauts see the Nightmare while passing by the moon" is a solid story, and I think your intent to capture the horror and otherworldliness of the scenario was fairly on point, actually. Despite being confused and distracted by many of the point-by-point logistics, the tone of the encounter rung through well.
The fundamental issue is that story is missing the "Astronauts" piece, really. The three characters here barely express any traits whatsoever, don't seem to have logical trains of thought, and generally only exist in states of "strangely amused" or "2spoop". It actually feels more like I'm watching a trio of stoners in a basement who think they're in space. <_< It makes it somewhat hard to empathize with the gravitas of the situation.
Also, I guess I'm going to be the first one to complaing about feeling totally let down by the title here. Snoopy Vs Azathoth would be a fantastic battle, and yet neither of them feature here at all! D:
Genre: War... war never changes...
Thoughts: I'm grateful for the interpretations of >>SPark and others, because I was left scratching my head. I do enjoy (sometimes even writing) a good mood piece now and again, but I feel like the pacing here was "off". And what I mean there is the rate at which Twilight's emotions came to be laid bare to us, and the rate at which we got more information about what had happened and what was really going on. I see a deliberate effort to set an early hook and slowly clue us in to the nukeage, but there are too many big things that the story asks us to buy without providing enough background as to why: the princesses are dead, and somebody invented nukes, and somebody used a nuke? This is not the Equestria we knowand we need somepony to make it great again, which can be fine, but I need a little more help getting from point A to point B on the differences in setting.
I think this shows promise, especially as part of a longer reveal of who was responsible for this and what Twilight plans to do about it.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: I'm grateful for the interpretations of >>SPark and others, because I was left scratching my head. I do enjoy (sometimes even writing) a good mood piece now and again, but I feel like the pacing here was "off". And what I mean there is the rate at which Twilight's emotions came to be laid bare to us, and the rate at which we got more information about what had happened and what was really going on. I see a deliberate effort to set an early hook and slowly clue us in to the nukeage, but there are too many big things that the story asks us to buy without providing enough background as to why: the princesses are dead, and somebody invented nukes, and somebody used a nuke? This is not the Equestria we know
I think this shows promise, especially as part of a longer reveal of who was responsible for this and what Twilight plans to do about it.
Tier: Needs Work
The immediacy of this really pulled me in and got me invested. It's very sense-based, and I liked that a lot; I can't remember the last time a story I read mentioned smell.
The ending felt just a little... pat. The 'check, check, awesome' felt rehearsed, almost? It seemed like the author's hand showed a little strongly, perhaps, and that threw me a bit. Overly stylized, perhaps, in comparison to the rest.
Still, as far as 'just plain nice' stories go, this is one of the best I've read in a while.
The ending felt just a little... pat. The 'check, check, awesome' felt rehearsed, almost? It seemed like the author's hand showed a little strongly, perhaps, and that threw me a bit. Overly stylized, perhaps, in comparison to the rest.
Still, as far as 'just plain nice' stories go, this is one of the best I've read in a while.
Don't worry, nameless protagonist; there are other ghoti in the sea.
The 'it was all just a dream' kinda sorta almost works here? Someone longing for something they don't see, or even really understand, could maybe be powerful. As it is, though, the contrast is a bit too sharp, and perhaps a bit too nonsensical. When it turns, it just kinda drops everything that came before instead of going on to make sense of what that means.
And the reference is more distracting than useful, I think.
The 'it was all just a dream' kinda sorta almost works here? Someone longing for something they don't see, or even really understand, could maybe be powerful. As it is, though, the contrast is a bit too sharp, and perhaps a bit too nonsensical. When it turns, it just kinda drops everything that came before instead of going on to make sense of what that means.
And the reference is more distracting than useful, I think.
I admit I got some amusement out of trying to figure how the song lyrics got "translated" into these strange lines....... up until the reveal that it's all satire or something?
High noon is for the brave and the bold.
I mean...
I wish the conclusion was stronger here. She gets to the end, and sorta waffles out? Like 'it might be this way or that way but it doesn't really matter so meh', and I wish she didn't; I'd like to see some sort of stronger conclusion drawn, something that really makes a point about what's come before instead of just brushing it away.
Other than that, the self-meditation style kinda works, and there's some decent characterization here, which is all to the good.
Genre: Twilight Imperium (sorry)
Thoughts: I ran into some major stumbling blocks with the logic underpinning the plot. Chief among them: Celestia raised the moon during NMM's banishment; why no reciprocity if the roles reverse? Especially if there's an actual good reason that Luna even acknowledges for why she should consider it. Double especially since Twilight is led to a decision at the end that feels principled-ish until I stop and ask what's likely to happen from here? Twilight doesn't get the Elements, and Ascendent Sun Goddess actually does bake everything? I can't get on board with her overlooking that possibility, however much she might want to believe she's making the right choice.
I dunno. The writing is of quality, and it could certainly grow into something that would answer the questions it raises.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: I ran into some major stumbling blocks with the logic underpinning the plot. Chief among them: Celestia raised the moon during NMM's banishment; why no reciprocity if the roles reverse? Especially if there's an actual good reason that Luna even acknowledges for why she should consider it. Double especially since Twilight is led to a decision at the end that feels principled-ish until I stop and ask what's likely to happen from here? Twilight doesn't get the Elements, and Ascendent Sun Goddess actually does bake everything? I can't get on board with her overlooking that possibility, however much she might want to believe she's making the right choice.
I dunno. The writing is of quality, and it could certainly grow into something that would answer the questions it raises.
Tier: Needs Work
Genre: Prelude to being hit by (beat) being struck by (beat) a smooth criminal?
Thoughts: Others have covered the important points in detail. My bottom-line criticism is that we had a fun and light-creepy "Twilight hears the narrator" story going on here until there was suddenly a stallion in her room. The stuff that followed was quality prose but it didn't address the 'uuuuge tonal whiplash of going from comedy to OMG STALKER in the blink of an eye. If anything, the closing line hammered home that we'd gone all the way to stranger danger, early comedy be hanged.
You could get a good story out of Twilight hearing the narrator. You could get a good story out of Rod Sterling In Equestria. You could get a good story out of a creepy intruder stalking Twilight (though messing with an alicorn princess would seem to require any/all of elevated power levels, a death wish, and/or good insurance). You could even mix and match a little and probably do okay (submitted for your approval: Rod Sterling narrates as Twilight fends off a superpowered stalker). But the current mixture might just need more words to make itself clearer.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: Others have covered the important points in detail. My bottom-line criticism is that we had a fun and light-creepy "Twilight hears the narrator" story going on here until there was suddenly a stallion in her room. The stuff that followed was quality prose but it didn't address the 'uuuuge tonal whiplash of going from comedy to OMG STALKER in the blink of an eye. If anything, the closing line hammered home that we'd gone all the way to stranger danger, early comedy be hanged.
You could get a good story out of Twilight hearing the narrator. You could get a good story out of Rod Sterling In Equestria. You could get a good story out of a creepy intruder stalking Twilight (though messing with an alicorn princess would seem to require any/all of elevated power levels, a death wish, and/or good insurance). You could even mix and match a little and probably do okay (submitted for your approval: Rod Sterling narrates as Twilight fends off a superpowered stalker). But the current mixture might just need more words to make itself clearer.
Tier: Needs Work
Genre: Horror
Thoughts: Kudos, dear Author, for writing something that gave me chills during the middle section. Fluttershy brings just about the right mix of comfort and wrongness to keep the discomfort building. That accelerates faster than I wish it did once Starlight walks in, though; for a moment I forgot I was reading a minific that was running out of words, and I hoped we'd get progressively creepier visits from the rest of the Mane 6 before the reveal. But even there, kudos for hooking me and drawing me into wanting/expecting more.
I'm less enthusiastic about the ending. Anchoring the story to Our Town raises continuity/AU questions that distract my inner pedant. I can appreciate this in spite of that, but it does make me a bit more inclined to ding you for the technical issues that others have noted.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Kudos, dear Author, for writing something that gave me chills during the middle section. Fluttershy brings just about the right mix of comfort and wrongness to keep the discomfort building. That accelerates faster than I wish it did once Starlight walks in, though; for a moment I forgot I was reading a minific that was running out of words, and I hoped we'd get progressively creepier visits from the rest of the Mane 6 before the reveal. But even there, kudos for hooking me and drawing me into wanting/expecting more.
I'm less enthusiastic about the ending. Anchoring the story to Our Town raises continuity/AU questions that distract my inner pedant. I can appreciate this in spite of that, but it does make me a bit more inclined to ding you for the technical issues that others have noted.
Tier: Almost There
So yeah, ironically I think this story is actually hurt by the adherence to Twilight Zone style structure. There is a very specific tone and structure to that thing, particularly in this day and age. While your opening and closing get the tone (in my secondhand knowledge, at least), I don't think the story itself quite captures it. I mean, it is a bit weird and goofy, but I don't think the diction actually lends itself.
Speaking of diction, you have a lot of what I would consider generally dense sentences. I love dense sentences. I really do! But yeah. Like, sentence 2 I think would be better off split and I believe there are others like that.
Also amused that another prompt seems to have, at least, in part inspired this (though this isn't a criticism! Just brought a smile to my face).
Beyond that, I am a little confused about the timeframe here as well. The opening crawl suggests this is way in the future, but we're not really given much accurate feedback in this regard. I think it is somewhat important to know, as it does create varying reactions depending on who/what is alive.
Speaking of diction, you have a lot of what I would consider generally dense sentences. I love dense sentences. I really do! But yeah. Like, sentence 2 I think would be better off split and I believe there are others like that.
Also amused that another prompt seems to have, at least, in part inspired this (though this isn't a criticism! Just brought a smile to my face).
Beyond that, I am a little confused about the timeframe here as well. The opening crawl suggests this is way in the future, but we're not really given much accurate feedback in this regard. I think it is somewhat important to know, as it does create varying reactions depending on who/what is alive.
Agh, 2nd person, my foe. I kid. On that front it's fine. It doesn't do anything particularly interesting with the personage, but hey. Also unsure about the exclamations, but I don't read enough 2nd to know how okay those are. They kinda jarred me a bit, but we're already in a voice I don't do much with, so...? Eh. Check other 2nd person works (or people who use it more).
Otherwise... it's solid action work, but, unfortunately, that's kind of all it is. Tension is fine, but the payoff for that tension is nothing. No characters, setting is pretty minimal, etc.
Oh. Opening line could probably be cut, or at least better connected to the narrative. I dunno. As is, it's kinda off-putting to me personally? I know we're in minific mode, I know word count is tough, but you can do it! Work it in there! It doesn't have to be subtle, but don't italics it out on a side for no reason! I mean, I guess you could be going with a TV narrator open, but it's a bit too short to really achieve that feeling accurately, I feel?
Otherwise... it's solid action work, but, unfortunately, that's kind of all it is. Tension is fine, but the payoff for that tension is nothing. No characters, setting is pretty minimal, etc.
Oh. Opening line could probably be cut, or at least better connected to the narrative. I dunno. As is, it's kinda off-putting to me personally? I know we're in minific mode, I know word count is tough, but you can do it! Work it in there! It doesn't have to be subtle, but don't italics it out on a side for no reason! I mean, I guess you could be going with a TV narrator open, but it's a bit too short to really achieve that feeling accurately, I feel?
Genre: Actual Twilight Zone material
Thoughts: I thought we were building toward an unsatisfying ending right up until it happened. What a sting that was! That, coupled with overall good technical execution, carries this pretty far.
What holds it back is the total lack of explanation of what happened to Applejack to bring about her... condition. Latent Pie family offshoot connection to the unknown starting to manifest? Touched By A Rod Sterling? We don't know, and it feels a bit arbitrary since we don't. But in my view, this works anyway.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: I thought we were building toward an unsatisfying ending right up until it happened. What a sting that was! That, coupled with overall good technical execution, carries this pretty far.
What holds it back is the total lack of explanation of what happened to Applejack to bring about her... condition. Latent Pie family offshoot connection to the unknown starting to manifest? Touched By A Rod Sterling? We don't know, and it feels a bit arbitrary since we don't. But in my view, this works anyway.
Tier: Strong
Hello, SCP. How're you doing?
Anyhow... I'm kinda hard-pressed to actually properly explain my issues with this, but I ultimately found this piece kind of tedious? Like, for the most part, most of the obfuscation here is stuff intended to be worked through and the object itself (or half the object) isn't really that interesting from a reader perspective, which is the majority of SCP's charm.
The woven narrative between Spike and Twilight is fun, but I think the length of SCP mumbo jumbo kinda gets in the way of that.
Once we start talking about subject Theta-32 things start to go a bit off the rails, though. The mystery solving inclination you've built up in the reader kinda brickwalls in trying to figure out what you're describing. This might be intentional, but personally, I found it frustrating because I was trying to solve for something that wasn't real when everything has been. And then the answer is kinda weird.
Speaking of. Like, unsure if this is intentional or my mind going bad places but:
The data expunged there has some super unfortunate rape implications because of the removal so close to implied violent imprisonment. Like, we sorta tonally fall out of the first half once we start getting down here anyway, but this is like, brutal whiplash.
EDIT: So, this sort of darker shift is not necessarily wrong in and of itself and not inconsistent with the way some SCPs are written. However, I think I find it particularly distasteful (in this circumstance, and especially so if the implications are intentional) because this is a -hard- 180 degree turn from a very cute and fluffy opening. Theoretically something like can work, but it also carries the risk of being a severe betrayal of the reader (e.g. I did not sign up for this).
YMMV here, of course, and maybe you're banking on SCP knowledge to brace the reader for potentially weird here, but I really think the beginning is far too cute if a turn is what you're going for. Remember that you have something of a responsibility to the reader to inform them about the kind of story they're getting into and that super hard turns like this can be super problematic.
Anyhow... I'm kinda hard-pressed to actually properly explain my issues with this, but I ultimately found this piece kind of tedious? Like, for the most part, most of the obfuscation here is stuff intended to be worked through and the object itself (or half the object) isn't really that interesting from a reader perspective, which is the majority of SCP's charm.
The woven narrative between Spike and Twilight is fun, but I think the length of SCP mumbo jumbo kinda gets in the way of that.
Once we start talking about subject Theta-32 things start to go a bit off the rails, though. The mystery solving inclination you've built up in the reader kinda brickwalls in trying to figure out what you're describing. This might be intentional, but personally, I found it frustrating because I was trying to solve for something that wasn't real when everything has been. And then the answer is kinda weird.
Speaking of. Like, unsure if this is intentional or my mind going bad places but:
Its mate, a male griffon named G█████, had been separated during the chase. Theta 32 shows signs of ligature marks on its wrists and signs of [DATA EXPUNGED], discovered during routine medical checkup post recovery by Nurse R██████.
The data expunged there has some super unfortunate rape implications because of the removal so close to implied violent imprisonment. Like, we sorta tonally fall out of the first half once we start getting down here anyway, but this is like, brutal whiplash.
EDIT: So, this sort of darker shift is not necessarily wrong in and of itself and not inconsistent with the way some SCPs are written. However, I think I find it particularly distasteful (in this circumstance, and especially so if the implications are intentional) because this is a -hard- 180 degree turn from a very cute and fluffy opening. Theoretically something like can work, but it also carries the risk of being a severe betrayal of the reader (e.g. I did not sign up for this).
YMMV here, of course, and maybe you're banking on SCP knowledge to brace the reader for potentially weird here, but I really think the beginning is far too cute if a turn is what you're going for. Remember that you have something of a responsibility to the reader to inform them about the kind of story they're getting into and that super hard turns like this can be super problematic.
>>AndrewRogue
Agreed.
I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about the two subjects being original characters—at least, I think they're original characters. 32-1's description made me think they're a human, which made me think Sunset Shimmer at first, but I don't get why any human character we know would have a relationship with some random Chinese griffon.
In any case, I think that the piece would be funnier if the two subjects were actually characters that we knew, with us being doled SCP-like info about them, as if they're dangerous creatures.
Agreed.
I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about the two subjects being original characters—at least, I think they're original characters. 32-1's description made me think they're a human, which made me think Sunset Shimmer at first, but I don't get why any human character we know would have a relationship with some random Chinese griffon.
In any case, I think that the piece would be funnier if the two subjects were actually characters that we knew, with us being doled SCP-like info about them, as if they're dangerous creatures.
Well, everyone above together pretty much covers my review.
1. Ending kinda leaves me sour. I dunno, gallows/dark humor is fine, but yeah, this ultimately does end up feeling disheartening, as it were.
2. Narrator is a strange, ambiguous not-Pinkie but very Pinkie and that doesn't gel super well.
3. Transition from Para 1 to Para 2 is really awkward because of how you use time. Just lead with P2 and build 1 back into it.
1. Ending kinda leaves me sour. I dunno, gallows/dark humor is fine, but yeah, this ultimately does end up feeling disheartening, as it were.
2. Narrator is a strange, ambiguous not-Pinkie but very Pinkie and that doesn't gel super well.
3. Transition from Para 1 to Para 2 is really awkward because of how you use time. Just lead with P2 and build 1 back into it.
I have to agree with >>CoffeeMinion here. While the prose is certainly competent and it is at least a decently varied take on the role reversal...
This feels like an amazingly idiot ball plot at every level. Like, apparently knowledge that sun makes plants grow was lost? Despite the sun being docile, Luna;d rather kill ponies than stop being lazy? Twilight has artificial lighting that works for plant and we haven't just set up super extensive grow labs already? Twilight is apparently decently cool with the solar tyrant maybe murdering everypony?
I dunno. Nothing here really adds up to me narratively. Like, I get that this is supposed to be different ponies and a different take, but the core conceit just really falls flat to me.
This feels like an amazingly idiot ball plot at every level. Like, apparently knowledge that sun makes plants grow was lost? Despite the sun being docile, Luna;d rather kill ponies than stop being lazy? Twilight has artificial lighting that works for plant and we haven't just set up super extensive grow labs already? Twilight is apparently decently cool with the solar tyrant maybe murdering everypony?
I dunno. Nothing here really adds up to me narratively. Like, I get that this is supposed to be different ponies and a different take, but the core conceit just really falls flat to me.
>>FanOfMostEverything It's from Tolkien, for all the things a Hobbit owns without having a use for, but isn't willing to throw away. Often passed around at birthday parties. Think white elephant gifts.
This was silly, and pretty well put together, even though a few things seemed slightly over-done. Mathom was a more-than-just-obscure odd choice, and although I'm just about willing to buy omphaloskeptic (it's Discord) a literal actual noodle incident... is perhaps a bit on the nose.
Still, this is probably the best one-note jokefic I've read in quite a while.
This was silly, and pretty well put together, even though a few things seemed slightly over-done. Mathom was a more-than-just-obscure odd choice, and although I'm just about willing to buy omphaloskeptic (it's Discord) a literal actual noodle incident... is perhaps a bit on the nose.
Still, this is probably the best one-note jokefic I've read in quite a while.
Actually pretty funny in how surreal it is, although I'm struggling to put it in perspective or say anything meaningful about it. >>FanOfMostEverything says it more eloquently than I ever could:
I see this winding up somewhere in the middle of my ballot; the writing's sharp enough to get it that high. The premise is outlandish, but the comic/straight man relationship between Sonata and the cashier makes me laugh.
Also, if this isn't Syeekoh, I'll eat Zaid's hat.
It just kind of happens and stares at me, hands on its figurative hips and daring me to say something.
I see this winding up somewhere in the middle of my ballot; the writing's sharp enough to get it that high. The premise is outlandish, but the comic/straight man relationship between Sonata and the cashier makes me laugh.
Also, if this isn't Syeekoh, I'll eat Zaid's hat.
"Denied?!" Twilight dropped the papers onto the table with a gasp. "Who would – why would––"
Hah! How do you like your checks and balances now?
This was a cute bit of (probably hopefully) friendshipping. Man, Twilight and Spike are one of the few things this fandom can be really weird about. :/ Anyways, it had some clever jokes, and a bit of up-and-down, and it ended on a sweet note. On the whole, quite solid.
It's 'sleight', not 'slight'. Maybe spellcheck screwed that one up, though. And although hand is probably actually what they'd use in the show, I think 'hoof' would weird me out less.
This was just... lolrandom for most of it, which is... eh, I dunno. Not really my thing. I'm not sure if I'd call it one-note-joke or not, though... At least it's moderately well written, so that's good.
I'll throw my $.02 in on the first sentence; I'd have liked a 'had' there because it would have made it clear that 'just' was qualifying an amount of time, not an amount of secret-ness.
This was just... lolrandom for most of it, which is... eh, I dunno. Not really my thing. I'm not sure if I'd call it one-note-joke or not, though... At least it's moderately well written, so that's good.
I'll throw my $.02 in on the first sentence; I'd have liked a 'had' there because it would have made it clear that 'just' was qualifying an amount of time, not an amount of secret-ness.
No real complaints here, but it didn't really hook me either. The twist there at the end is just too bland. Not bad, but not enough of a difference to make me question any previous assumptions. Maybe if there'd been some slight set up for it, or it'd been darker. E.g. if Spike was eating meat, or Rarity was scratching him with a flipper. It also doesn't work as well with Spike, as he normally snacks on gems, not apples. Not that he can't just, he's not the character to most strongly show this. Now, if you'd had Pinkie whipping up kale smoothies and quinoa, then we'd freak out more. :-)
The conclusion is set up very well on the cashier's side, but I didn't see a whole lot of indication on Sonata's side; as it is, that remark of hers seemed oddly prescient, or possibly a little staged?
On the whole this was really good, but I think I'd have liked a touch more foreshadowing in Sonata's actions, before she just pops the question like that.
Still, it's going to score pretty well by me, for just general excellence.
On the whole this was really good, but I think I'd have liked a touch more foreshadowing in Sonata's actions, before she just pops the question like that.
Still, it's going to score pretty well by me, for just general excellence.
Okay, this one gets to be nitpicked. Why? Because I think it's so close to getting it right, and rather than big problems, it's only small flaws that add up, yet are all easy to fix.
1. Half this story is basically an ode to the heavens. By that I mean the potential joy in the story is in the descriptions of the beauty being shown. But the descriptions are all just slightly repetitive. Not to a horrible degree, but...
a) the word "stars" shows up 3 times in the same paragraph.
b) the "-ly" adverbs thing HorseVoice mentioned
c) While there are some great phrases, many other fall flat, mostly due to a flat cadence.
2. PoV
a) The PoV shifts mid paragraph. Specifically, Paragraph 10, "Twlight felt..." then next sentence "She gently picked Twilight up..."
b) The PoV problem reenters later, as other descriptions like "the sky felt alive" but aren't clear on WHO felt that. Due to the overall subject, yes, we assume Twilight, but it's then again mixed with things from Celestia's PoV.
3. Nightmares
a) This is literally the subject that Luna (Nightmare Moon) is AND what Luna (defender of dreams) is all about. I feel this story is really wanting to make that connection between the moon and nightmares, but it doesn't show up like it should. If you could make that connection... show Celestia shy away from the Mare in the Moon when Twilight says something about nightmares, or say something more generic about how "There will always be a princess there to guard your dreams"... really, any kind of foreshadowing would make a much stronger emotional impact.
1. Half this story is basically an ode to the heavens. By that I mean the potential joy in the story is in the descriptions of the beauty being shown. But the descriptions are all just slightly repetitive. Not to a horrible degree, but...
a) the word "stars" shows up 3 times in the same paragraph.
b) the "-ly" adverbs thing HorseVoice mentioned
c) While there are some great phrases, many other fall flat, mostly due to a flat cadence.
2. PoV
a) The PoV shifts mid paragraph. Specifically, Paragraph 10, "Twlight felt..." then next sentence "She gently picked Twilight up..."
b) The PoV problem reenters later, as other descriptions like "the sky felt alive" but aren't clear on WHO felt that. Due to the overall subject, yes, we assume Twilight, but it's then again mixed with things from Celestia's PoV.
3. Nightmares
a) This is literally the subject that Luna (Nightmare Moon) is AND what Luna (defender of dreams) is all about. I feel this story is really wanting to make that connection between the moon and nightmares, but it doesn't show up like it should. If you could make that connection... show Celestia shy away from the Mare in the Moon when Twilight says something about nightmares, or say something more generic about how "There will always be a princess there to guard your dreams"... really, any kind of foreshadowing would make a much stronger emotional impact.
I didn't recognize this as a retelling of a Twilight Zone episode, so I'll try to judge ignoring that, as my normal reaction is negative to search/replace ponifications unless they really add something new.
So, on its own, this story hit the right note with the dark vibe on the "always your birthday" line. The brother who had an accident was also a nice touch. But it fails to deliver on that dark premise. Instead it just kinda escalates, the parents immediately ask for help, the psionic immediately punishes, and then suddenly we're in white-out-land and one promise to "teach" converts her to good and she's physically affectionate? No, far too rushed. You have to set up a brat as a brat, or the parents as actually evil (or at least uncaring) but in either case, why would she seek the affection of Celestia then, if she didn't know it already?
So yeah, hits a nifty horror note, but the rest falls apart I'm afraid.
So, on its own, this story hit the right note with the dark vibe on the "always your birthday" line. The brother who had an accident was also a nice touch. But it fails to deliver on that dark premise. Instead it just kinda escalates, the parents immediately ask for help, the psionic immediately punishes, and then suddenly we're in white-out-land and one promise to "teach" converts her to good and she's physically affectionate? No, far too rushed. You have to set up a brat as a brat, or the parents as actually evil (or at least uncaring) but in either case, why would she seek the affection of Celestia then, if she didn't know it already?
So yeah, hits a nifty horror note, but the rest falls apart I'm afraid.
>>Not_A_Hat
The simplest interpretation is that the author, unable to come up with any ideas before the deadline, simply wrote down a dream he'd just had. :P
This story has a dreamlike quality to it which is interesting, but it kept me from feeling it was meaningful or emotionally powerful.
The simplest interpretation is that the author, unable to come up with any ideas before the deadline, simply wrote down a dream he'd just had. :P
Also,
You forgot to insert a "decrepit" before "book" ;P
I have to agree with the others, though, the story feels a little baffling and there's no real payoff.
I don't really understand the entire framing device. Twilight apparently hates horror stories so much that she can't read them for more than a few sentences, so... how would listening to the story be any better?
Twilight sat in an old decrepit chair, in an old and decrepit library. In front of her lay open an old book.
You forgot to insert a "decrepit" before "book" ;P
I have to agree with the others, though, the story feels a little baffling and there's no real payoff.
I don't really understand the entire framing device. Twilight apparently hates horror stories so much that she can't read them for more than a few sentences, so... how would listening to the story be any better?
I'm not sure I get the entire joke here. Is "red and black" supposed to be a pun? A reference to one of the prompt submissions? Or, as others have suggested, a reference to "edgy OCs"?
Personally, I don't like these sorts of comedy stories--the ones where the entire humor comes from the characters constantly overreacting and overacting dramatically. I'm afraid this story didn't work for me at all, and it feels like it abruptly ends mid-scene, as well.
Personally, I don't like these sorts of comedy stories--the ones where the entire humor comes from the characters constantly overreacting and overacting dramatically. I'm afraid this story didn't work for me at all, and it feels like it abruptly ends mid-scene, as well.
I'm afraid this story didn't work for me, for a few reasons. I'm not sure if this is meant to be a surreal comedy or anything, but it seems really jarring and ridiculous that a random cashier would just chat casually with a mega-powerful mass murdering psycho waltzing into his shop. Also, it's been a while since I've seen the movie, but the premise seems just... random, with no real relation to the canon events.
It also feels very much like a Not-Pony Story, too. You could replace "Sonata Dusk" with any generic name, and Manehatten with Manhattan, and nobody would be able to tell this was entered in a FiM contest.
It also feels very much like a Not-Pony Story, too. You could replace "Sonata Dusk" with any generic name, and Manehatten with Manhattan, and nobody would be able to tell this was entered in a FiM contest.
I'm afraid the format doesn't really work. On one hand you have Spike making humorous misspellings etc.; on the other hand... well, this is the SCP format, with its cold, clinical, unpersonal attitude to the "subjects". In my opinion it ends up an unappealing combination which doesn't work either as comedy or as drama.
The writing here is very nice. I'd get rid of the footnotes (they're not that amusing, and they take up lots of words), but I'd gladly keep reading this if this were a full story.
However, the action is way too slow. Nearly the entire story is taken by the opening, then suddenly the main conflict is introduced and resolved... in literally five sentences. (Also, the "Celestia sure loves cake" gag is so cliche that using it for the Big Reveal feels rather lazy.)
It was still an enjoyable read while it lasted, and I'd be interested in reading further should you wish to expand upon the story (and please, do come up with something more original than a cake joke D:)
However, the action is way too slow. Nearly the entire story is taken by the opening, then suddenly the main conflict is introduced and resolved... in literally five sentences. (Also, the "Celestia sure loves cake" gag is so cliche that using it for the Big Reveal feels rather lazy.)
It was still an enjoyable read while it lasted, and I'd be interested in reading further should you wish to expand upon the story (and please, do come up with something more original than a cake joke D:)
I have to agree with the others that the story seems kinda baffling.
On the other hand... even with the rather meaningless payoff, I really loved the atmosphere and the writing in this one, from beginning to end. I think I can give this one a high grade based on style alone. I'd love to have read a longer story written with such skill.
On the other hand... even with the rather meaningless payoff, I really loved the atmosphere and the writing in this one, from beginning to end. I think I can give this one a high grade based on style alone. I'd love to have read a longer story written with such skill.
Other than the iconic reference to HL2, I have no idea what's the story's getting at.
Seriously, like JudgeDeadd said, why are the Vortigaunts here? Why are they ponies? What do they want with Twilight other than just cryptically worshipping her like Gordon Freeman?
Seriously, like JudgeDeadd said, why are the Vortigaunts here? Why are they ponies? What do they want with Twilight other than just cryptically worshipping her like Gordon Freeman?
This reminds me a lot of Bad Horse's story wherein Dotted Line saves Equestria by giving Celestia a hug, because Alicorns are mythical Space-Creatures. The name doesn't give much clue, so to me this piece is melancholy, but it's not saying much of anything to me - I'm not sure what the author wanted to convey, here.
Which is what I'd like to see, some sort of 'Here is what I wanted to say' message.
Which is what I'd like to see, some sort of 'Here is what I wanted to say' message.
This was weirdly idiosyncratic. I do think the quirkiness shown in trying something different was quite creative; and it did what it set out to do quite well. However, I think there's audience mismatch here since, well, it was like reading a storybook, and cute, but...that's it? I want to like this more than I do, and I think I don't quite like it as well as it ought to be liked.
Very Bilbo-esque of me, it seems.
Very Bilbo-esque of me, it seems.
>>scifipony
Rewatch the canterlot wedding, Twilight and Cadance 'fight' the bridemaids and one of them is Lyra. That line implies that she had taken part in kidnapping Cadence to replace her with the Changeling Queen.
Rewatch the canterlot wedding, Twilight and Cadance 'fight' the bridemaids and one of them is Lyra. That line implies that she had taken part in kidnapping Cadence to replace her with the Changeling Queen.
The problem with this as said by others is that what does the SCP format add here? There's none of the other hallmarks of SCPs beyond the vocabulary used; as in there's no massive paranoia, no comedic-callous disregard for human life, so forth; whereas DATA EXPUNGED in SCP-verse is a thing for 'This is too dangerous for eyes', censoring here appears done for...why?
That's my biggest issue. You have a more interesting story buried under the SCP framework. I'd rather read the unburied one.
That's my biggest issue. You have a more interesting story buried under the SCP framework. I'd rather read the unburied one.
A creepy dread feeling that keeps building up with all the false reassurance. the whole atmosphere is sickly and unnerving, and there's no familiar comfort to latch on to, even after waking up from a nightmare all sweaty and shaking. makes me think it's one of those videos or games where a jumpscare could happen any moment.
To be honest, this is the kind of horror I can't handle at all, I just don't enjoy it. But I think it achieved its desired emotional effect.
Some may think it's a little predictable with the "Our Town" theme, but in a horror minific I think that works just fine. Better to have that recognizable connection to the show, rather than something totally new that most readers will misunderstand.
Could I make a suggestion? I feel like Rainbow is too passive here, even when things get worse. I think she should be trying to do something she wants (i.e. trying to mentally stabilize herself), but her caretakers don't allow her. Or resisting, but failing because she noticed the danger too late. That kind of powerlessness, with a touch of regret, would strengthen this scene. At least for me! Even though I'm not the target audience for this horror, so take that as you will.
To be honest, this is the kind of horror I can't handle at all, I just don't enjoy it. But I think it achieved its desired emotional effect.
Some may think it's a little predictable with the "Our Town" theme, but in a horror minific I think that works just fine. Better to have that recognizable connection to the show, rather than something totally new that most readers will misunderstand.
Could I make a suggestion? I feel like Rainbow is too passive here, even when things get worse. I think she should be trying to do something she wants (i.e. trying to mentally stabilize herself), but her caretakers don't allow her. Or resisting, but failing because she noticed the danger too late. That kind of powerlessness, with a touch of regret, would strengthen this scene. At least for me! Even though I'm not the target audience for this horror, so take that as you will.
I like the concept here.
Seeing things one has no experience of and describing them through the lenses of their own experiences is tricky but quite atmospheric. The things he got wrong (like the gray sun) are things he described using what he knows, which forms a nice parallel with the title.
You could probably have explained better why fish, but if I had to guess it's because Ghoti swims through the air, which is the best analogy for flying our MC had.
Concept aside, the writing is a bit rough around the edges. A bit of editing should solve that problem.
This ends about the middle of my slate. Nice concept, cool but lacking implementation.
Seeing things one has no experience of and describing them through the lenses of their own experiences is tricky but quite atmospheric. The things he got wrong (like the gray sun) are things he described using what he knows, which forms a nice parallel with the title.
You could probably have explained better why fish, but if I had to guess it's because Ghoti swims through the air, which is the best analogy for flying our MC had.
Concept aside, the writing is a bit rough around the edges. A bit of editing should solve that problem.
This ends about the middle of my slate. Nice concept, cool but lacking implementation.
Genre: Power Cosmic
Thoughts: This is another case where the plot throws me. Somehow Twilight can float through endless (literal) skeins of possibility, spend billions of years judging their merits, and dive back into living a normal life in one of them? Okay, but how and why? We don't get any clue where these exceptional abilities come from, or why she's using them in this way. Is this How Equestria Was Made? If so, where did Twilight come from before her journey?
The prose is engaging and well written, though, with good descriptions of all the fantastic things going on.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: This is another case where the plot throws me. Somehow Twilight can float through endless (literal) skeins of possibility, spend billions of years judging their merits, and dive back into living a normal life in one of them? Okay, but how and why? We don't get any clue where these exceptional abilities come from, or why she's using them in this way. Is this How Equestria Was Made? If so, where did Twilight come from before her journey?
The prose is engaging and well written, though, with good descriptions of all the fantastic things going on.
Tier: Almost There
>>Orbiting_kettle
I admit I missed the gray sun line. However, I haven't found any other "things gotten wrong" fragments along these lines, and they'd have enhanced the story. (Indeed, one thing that's been bothering me was: "OK, if he's never seen the surface world, then how has all this imagery found its way into his dreams?" Here's an idea -- what if the author had hinted [more clearly] that the protagonist knows the topside world only from stories and faded pictures?)
I admit I missed the gray sun line. However, I haven't found any other "things gotten wrong" fragments along these lines, and they'd have enhanced the story. (Indeed, one thing that's been bothering me was: "OK, if he's never seen the surface world, then how has all this imagery found its way into his dreams?" Here's an idea -- what if the author had hinted [more clearly] that the protagonist knows the topside world only from stories and faded pictures?)
>>JudgeDeadd
Yes, that would indeed add a lot.
The other things he got wrong were, IMHO, the game itself and the names of the teams.
Small stuff, I admit, which can easily be lost.
Yes, that would indeed add a lot.
The other things he got wrong were, IMHO, the game itself and the names of the teams.
Small stuff, I admit, which can easily be lost.
Genre: Radar Love gone wrong
Thoughts: Heh, I love those names. Indeed there's no way they're a coincidence. The only bad thing about them is that the mood switches pretty quickly from amusement over the reference to ponies getting murdered. That part was still good, though the gun is a hard sell in Equestria. I daresay it didn't add much to the story (a knife would've worked fine for most of it), despite the ending hinging on gunplay.
Ah, but that ending. I suppose it's suitably Twilight Zone-ish, but IMO it doesn't give enough payoff for what's been a strong and well-characterized story thus far. It doesn't really make sense that the timber wolf would be a werewolf, much less Timber Spruce specifically, and that he would be driving an actual car, which exceeds the typical technology level that we see in Equestria. I'm not saying it's the worst thing ever, just that it's too rapid of an ending for a tale that has better potential.
I want to rate this higher. I can't because i feel it really does need some tweaking to be its best. But I see a fun little murder story in here and I want to see that come out stronger.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: Heh, I love those names. Indeed there's no way they're a coincidence. The only bad thing about them is that the mood switches pretty quickly from amusement over the reference to ponies getting murdered. That part was still good, though the gun is a hard sell in Equestria. I daresay it didn't add much to the story (a knife would've worked fine for most of it), despite the ending hinging on gunplay.
Ah, but that ending. I suppose it's suitably Twilight Zone-ish, but IMO it doesn't give enough payoff for what's been a strong and well-characterized story thus far. It doesn't really make sense that the timber wolf would be a werewolf, much less Timber Spruce specifically, and that he would be driving an actual car, which exceeds the typical technology level that we see in Equestria. I'm not saying it's the worst thing ever, just that it's too rapid of an ending for a tale that has better potential.
I want to rate this higher. I can't because i feel it really does need some tweaking to be its best. But I see a fun little murder story in here and I want to see that come out stronger.
Tier: Needs Work
Well, I too have no idea what's going on there. It's the problem of basing a fic on a single premise or reference: it ends up as a sort of "group fic", and I feel very much being obliged to go by the wayside, because there's some wagon I can't jump into.
Nevertheless, I agree it was quite funny, so I can't totally bash it.
Finally, what is that Vört? Swedish for "word"?
Nevertheless, I agree it was quite funny, so I can't totally bash it.
Finally, what is that Vört? Swedish for "word"?
This is too silly for me. At first, I was fearing I had to read one of those cute but lovey-dovey filly Twilight fics.
Then there was a jarring time jump (which ruled out the former hypothesis), and well, that idea.
As a matter of fact, I've never liked Discord, but I think the character is too navel-grazing to not have noticed Twilight's presence before. My opinion though.
I think I would've liked it better if Discord has psoriasis.
Oh, and also all the pseudo-scientific jargon... Please don't :P
Then there was a jarring time jump (which ruled out the former hypothesis), and well, that idea.
As a matter of fact, I've never liked Discord, but I think the character is too navel-grazing to not have noticed Twilight's presence before. My opinion though.
I think I would've liked it better if Discord has psoriasis.
Oh, and also all the pseudo-scientific jargon... Please don't :P
My reaction: I'm like the awkward one in the room who laughs a full minute after a joke is finished. "Oh! I get it now! Ha ha ha!"
Count me as another reader who felt very distracted by the unclear dialogue tags. It was just a little too much work to figure who's saying what, while at the same time trying to understand their relationship. I started skimming when I should've been hooked by adventure and intrigue.
The big reveals and plot twists at the end were confusing at first. But after thinking over it for a little while, fully processing the story with what the other comments pointed out..... I actually really love this setting you've designed! Nightmare Moon AU where Twilight and Daring are rivals with unexpected alliances. I'm not sure which heroine picked the "correct" side, but I like that ambiguity (maybe both are balanced anti-heroes and neither is evil? I want to cheer for them both). So much promise for where this could go. I would love to read more of this!
I want to steal it for myself. Can I steal it?
(it now occurs to me how canon Daring Do doesn't really seem to fit in an Equestria that's mostly in a state of love & peace. but here? the Nightmare Moon world works in a way that the Nazis did for Indiana Jones. damn, this is so cool.)
Ok, despite how briliant the concept is, it needs to succeed in execution too. needs a lot of work. I'm not an editor, but I think the main problem here is that it's trying to be too nuanced and subtle, but stumbles at it.
This doesn't quite express the urgency of the situation. Like it's trying to be a serious drama. To be honest, I say ramp it up - go for melodrama. Indiana Jones movies were over-the-top yet tongue-in-cheek about it. and it was itself inspired by adventure serials and the Uncle Scrooge comic books. They all worked because they were so clear and direct about it all, making the action and mysteries feel larger than life. As long as the characters feel like real relatable people, it's not cheesy but endearing.
plz expand and continue this on fimfic kthx <3
Count me as another reader who felt very distracted by the unclear dialogue tags. It was just a little too much work to figure who's saying what, while at the same time trying to understand their relationship. I started skimming when I should've been hooked by adventure and intrigue.
The big reveals and plot twists at the end were confusing at first. But after thinking over it for a little while, fully processing the story with what the other comments pointed out..... I actually really love this setting you've designed! Nightmare Moon AU where Twilight and Daring are rivals with unexpected alliances. I'm not sure which heroine picked the "correct" side, but I like that ambiguity (maybe both are balanced anti-heroes and neither is evil? I want to cheer for them both). So much promise for where this could go. I would love to read more of this!
(it now occurs to me how canon Daring Do doesn't really seem to fit in an Equestria that's mostly in a state of love & peace. but here? the Nightmare Moon world works in a way that the Nazis did for Indiana Jones. damn, this is so cool.)
Ok, despite how briliant the concept is, it needs to succeed in execution too. needs a lot of work. I'm not an editor, but I think the main problem here is that it's trying to be too nuanced and subtle, but stumbles at it.
Then Daring raised her head, a cold grin on her face as at least a dozen black-clad ponies burst into the clearing. Twilight could feel her blood run cold at the sight of the Night Guard and what that meant.
This doesn't quite express the urgency of the situation. Like it's trying to be a serious drama. To be honest, I say ramp it up - go for melodrama. Indiana Jones movies were over-the-top yet tongue-in-cheek about it. and it was itself inspired by adventure serials and the Uncle Scrooge comic books. They all worked because they were so clear and direct about it all, making the action and mysteries feel larger than life. As long as the characters feel like real relatable people, it's not cheesy but endearing.
plz expand and continue this on fimfic kthx <3
Gosh it took me several minutes to figure out what the twist really was. At first, I thought it was some pun around pears/pairs.
:/
Otherwise, I agree with Xepher. Since the twist didn't really work, the rest is somewhat underwhelming. Not bad, but just plain. Sorry.
:/
Otherwise, I agree with Xepher. Since the twist didn't really work, the rest is somewhat underwhelming. Not bad, but just plain. Sorry.
In honor of Singles Awareness Valentine's Day, let's have a call to:
Now I know, we've got a lot of time left in the prelims, and things might balance out. But when I see we've got some fics with 10 reviews and some with just 2 or 3, I can't help but think folks would love to get more eyes on their stuff. Sadly none of these are on my slate, but I'll try to lob some reviews out there after work...
Submitted for your approval:
All Nightmare Long (3)
Crisis on Infinite Twilights (3)
The Masquerade (2)
Show some love to less-reviewed fics!
Now I know, we've got a lot of time left in the prelims, and things might balance out. But when I see we've got some fics with 10 reviews and some with just 2 or 3, I can't help but think folks would love to get more eyes on their stuff. Sadly none of these are on my slate, but I'll try to lob some reviews out there after work...
Submitted for your approval:
All Nightmare Long (3)
Crisis on Infinite Twilights (3)
The Masquerade (2)
I generally hate saying this, but I think the minific format wasn't the best choice for this story.
What we get is still a beautiful scene with crisp dialogues. The setting is sparsely described, which was less of a problem than I thought it would be as I filled the void automatically.
There isn't much more I can say, sadly. While we get a glimpse at the characters, it's over before we can learn anything substantial. The premise is good, and it has the potential to be a splendid if slightly longer story.
Oh, and Twilight Zone as a situation of uncertainty and alienation in a social setting is an interesting and novel interpretation. Bravo.
What we get is still a beautiful scene with crisp dialogues. The setting is sparsely described, which was less of a problem than I thought it would be as I filled the void automatically.
There isn't much more I can say, sadly. While we get a glimpse at the characters, it's over before we can learn anything substantial. The premise is good, and it has the potential to be a splendid if slightly longer story.
Oh, and Twilight Zone as a situation of uncertainty and alienation in a social setting is an interesting and novel interpretation. Bravo.
I'll pass for this one and let the others decide, I can't say anything about poetry, if this is good, bad, mixed or anything else.
This is fun, readers will get a laugh out of it for the main character alone.
I was hoping there would be at least one more completely wacky version of Twilight like the catgirl one, the other variations we meet are pretty familiar already. oh wait, Posh said that. and horizon shares my view that it slows down by having the characters just talk it out. it loses the crackfic flavor it started with.
I wanted to see some more crossover happening. I was expecting them to visit each other's worlds and solve each other's social problems for them. or make things even worse, that'd be fun too.
I was hoping there would be at least one more completely wacky version of Twilight like the catgirl one, the other variations we meet are pretty familiar already. oh wait, Posh said that. and horizon shares my view that it slows down by having the characters just talk it out. it loses the crackfic flavor it started with.
I wanted to see some more crossover happening. I was expecting them to visit each other's worlds and solve each other's social problems for them. or make things even worse, that'd be fun too.
A nice try, write with only dialog. The pace is good enough to not get bored and there is almost a new information for every new line.
I have mixed feelings about the ending though. On one hand, let some mystery unresolved hooks me and makes me want to know more but on the other hand, there isn't enough materials for a clearer interpretation.
From my POV, either Twilight became like NM by using dark magic and got banished by Celestia or Twilight went by herself (her spirit at least because her body is still in Equestria) on the Moon to stop NM.
I have mixed feelings about the ending though. On one hand, let some mystery unresolved hooks me and makes me want to know more but on the other hand, there isn't enough materials for a clearer interpretation.
From my POV, either Twilight became like NM by using dark magic and got banished by Celestia or Twilight went by herself (her spirit at least because her body is still in Equestria) on the Moon to stop NM.
Same here, the story didn't hook me. The only thing I was abel to get from it was the reference to the bad colored OCs. Aside from that, it required others comments to see the more I could have got from this.
Writing and pace are good but because I usually stick by/to my first impression, this one will go to the top mid tier list.
Writing and pace are good but because I usually stick by/to my first impression, this one will go to the top mid tier list.
The idea has some potential, both as political comment as as a story, but the execution hampers it and it didn't really work for me. I feel a bit awful because just a couple of small things are the problem here, but they are enough to sabotage the story, at least considering me as the audience.
The scene-setting is a bit weak, not enough information to get a good idea of what is happening and too much to give the feeling of being in a fearful mob.
While the characters have some differentiating traits, they all are too similar to work as individuals. This may have been an intended effect, but without enough space it's difficult to use it to evoke alienation.
I also think you should remove directly the last paragraph.
Sorry for the harsh review. I truly think that this could shine, but at the moment it is still a bit too rough.
The scene-setting is a bit weak, not enough information to get a good idea of what is happening and too much to give the feeling of being in a fearful mob.
While the characters have some differentiating traits, they all are too similar to work as individuals. This may have been an intended effect, but without enough space it's difficult to use it to evoke alienation.
I also think you should remove directly the last paragraph.
Sorry for the harsh review. I truly think that this could shine, but at the moment it is still a bit too rough.
hey, this one's about the meaning of life and such!
It's so bombastic that it makes me blush, rather than applaud and cry tears of joy etc.
It comes across to me like some passionless science experiment. must maximize happiness_efficiency quotients. like on a Dr Manhattan level of watching lives begin and end without empathy. it just doesn't add up to this stated conclusion of appreciating the friends around you in the present moment.
It's so bombastic that it makes me blush, rather than applaud and cry tears of joy etc.
It comes across to me like some passionless science experiment. must maximize happiness_efficiency quotients. like on a Dr Manhattan level of watching lives begin and end without empathy. it just doesn't add up to this stated conclusion of appreciating the friends around you in the present moment.
>>JudgeDeadd
To elaborate on what I meant by the story being "random": I'm not sure I can satisfactorily explain why, but I find it really hard to swallow the premise of Sonata being a mass-murdering monster. [edit: As I said, I don't remember the movie that well, but I don't recall her being that kind of a Tirek-level omnicidal maniac.]
I could accept it if the story had explicitly focused on why this unusual change happened, how did the other characters react to it, etc.
But instead, the story just relates a random moment (Sonata Dusk buys cigarettes) which doesn't at all mesh with the background premise (why would a mass-murdering monster stop to buy cigarettes? Why doesn't the cashier care at all? Is this supposed to be a comedy? It doesn't feel like one, what with all the blood and death.)
In short, it feels like a generic slice-of-life story, except with one pointless change to the canon, with nothing interesting coming out of it.
To elaborate on what I meant by the story being "random": I'm not sure I can satisfactorily explain why, but I find it really hard to swallow the premise of Sonata being a mass-murdering monster. [edit: As I said, I don't remember the movie that well, but I don't recall her being that kind of a Tirek-level omnicidal maniac.]
I could accept it if the story had explicitly focused on why this unusual change happened, how did the other characters react to it, etc.
But instead, the story just relates a random moment (Sonata Dusk buys cigarettes) which doesn't at all mesh with the background premise (why would a mass-murdering monster stop to buy cigarettes? Why doesn't the cashier care at all? Is this supposed to be a comedy? It doesn't feel like one, what with all the blood and death.)
In short, it feels like a generic slice-of-life story, except with one pointless change to the canon, with nothing interesting coming out of it.
So, this mostly rides on the ending, and that's fairly well done. However, when they started doing experiments, I was like... How on earth did they pick up on this? They not only jump to doing an experiment, but immediately call in Big Mac to verify? What led to this decision?
And while the meaning the author intended for the ending is clear from context, after a moment of thought it lost a lot of impact for me, because I quickly jumped to 'so... shouldn't she wake up now'? Because this 'curse' or whatever doesn't seem to have much rhyme or reason; it's not doing opposites (the opposite of 5:23 is not 5:24,) it's just changing somehow in response to her talking. So the odds of her actually ending up dead shouldn't really be that high.
Still, the ending was undeniably effective, even if the progression was rather odd.
And while the meaning the author intended for the ending is clear from context, after a moment of thought it lost a lot of impact for me, because I quickly jumped to 'so... shouldn't she wake up now'? Because this 'curse' or whatever doesn't seem to have much rhyme or reason; it's not doing opposites (the opposite of 5:23 is not 5:24,) it's just changing somehow in response to her talking. So the odds of her actually ending up dead shouldn't really be that high.
Still, the ending was undeniably effective, even if the progression was rather odd.
>>Not_A_Hat
What you said about the clock is an excellent point. That was the one thing that confused me. Everything else was clearer.
What you said about the clock is an excellent point. That was the one thing that confused me. Everything else was clearer.
I thought about a good joke with the toilet flush sound but I have to say I smiled a little, so it won't go there but won't go to the top either.
For the most part I agree with >>Fenton, and also give thumbs up to "And that's how Equestria was unmade" as an alternate final line if you don't want to change anything else.
But after a glorious line like "Pinkie had gone beyond the point of tickle madness and submerged herself in tickle ecstasy, becoming a ceaseless tickle machine" I really expected the world to be engulfed in tickles, and was a bit disappointed when it just ended. Not disheartened, or even unable to overlook it, but yeah, I wanted the story to keep building towards a real crescendo. Maybe that's the hardest part of a comedy: the punchline's gotta be fantastic.
But after a glorious line like "Pinkie had gone beyond the point of tickle madness and submerged herself in tickle ecstasy, becoming a ceaseless tickle machine" I really expected the world to be engulfed in tickles, and was a bit disappointed when it just ended. Not disheartened, or even unable to overlook it, but yeah, I wanted the story to keep building towards a real crescendo. Maybe that's the hardest part of a comedy: the punchline's gotta be fantastic.
I'm not a big fan of the use of an argument between two characters that leads nowhere and is only there to provide exposition. But this is a very interesting twist on reversing the canon mythology. I especially like that internal conflict: not wanting a terrible villain to return, but it might open a path to solving an unsolvable problem. I ended up liking this concept more than I expected.
so, adding one more AU-to-be-developed to my fimfic watchlist after this contest is over. there's been so many good ones.
I disagree with picking apart the logic in this story, it's trying to be like the MLP pilot which is more myth than fantasy. Nightmare Moon's story has just as many logic holes too.
so, adding one more AU-to-be-developed to my fimfic watchlist after this contest is over. there's been so many good ones.
I disagree with picking apart the logic in this story, it's trying to be like the MLP pilot which is more myth than fantasy. Nightmare Moon's story has just as many logic holes too.
This is nice (I'm a fan of slice of life), but it didn't do much else for me. It's a masquerade ball, yet the story didn't manage to achieve the understated, mysterious air I feel fits the setting. Because Fancy Pants says everything on his mind immediately I never shared his feelings of alienation: in fact he starts talking about feeling lost before anything in behaviour suggests he is. The only mystery is in figuring out who the mare is, but it doesn't actually matter who she is, so it all felt a little flat as it stands right now.
Of course, I appreciate that this is a minific round, but I see you had words left, so I would've liked to have seen a bit more of Fancy before he meets the mare, for instance missing a social cue in a conversation or slinking to the side to avoid talking to people because he doesn't know how to read them. Something that fits with the understated atmosphere, leaves the setting clean, and shows me more of how he's feeling before he confirms it for me.
Of course, I appreciate that this is a minific round, but I see you had words left, so I would've liked to have seen a bit more of Fancy before he meets the mare, for instance missing a social cue in a conversation or slinking to the side to avoid talking to people because he doesn't know how to read them. Something that fits with the understated atmosphere, leaves the setting clean, and shows me more of how he's feeling before he confirms it for me.
I feel like this falls juuuuust short of being able to Say Something about identity and anonymity, and how society uses them to deal with ideas like responsibility and privacy. That's too bad, but the story is enjoyable as-is. It's just a little... hmm, I dunno, light, maybe? It's probably closest to a character piece, but I don't think it connects me to them as strongly as I'd like. The central conceit is sound, but it's not making enough out of it, in one way or another, to be really exciting.
uhoh, Lost Cities. it's hard for me to critique, since I still haven't made up my mind if I like or dislike the genre.
first paragraph: almost lost me. these opening lines felt too much like a flat textbook description, this border and that border. but the west border is undefined, huh that's unusual. I'll keep reading for that.
second paragraph: yeah yeah, it's scary and weird, I gotcha. they all are.
third paragraph: now here's a hook. it arrived late, but it's a really good one. wonderful grotesque imagery that suggests the meat of the story.
this is an error. they should be galloping west.
this muddled my first reading, and I didn't catch it until I re-read. I thought they were all willingly marching INTO the zone, for whatever motive. that's creepy for completely different reasons, but not the intended story.
fourth paragraph: pretty descriptions that are wasting my time. yeah yeah, I already know it's Equestria. I love the last line about the wolves, and it's setting up new information I needed to know.
fifth & sixth paragraphs: I'll just echo other complaints that it suddenly shifts into a more personal tone, and it's not satisfying. after the statues and the horizons, it's missing the last step to complete the story. the wailing against Twilight doesn't quite fit in the theme, it's not showing me a new result after the disaster. it's almost as if the story ended on its climax, so to speak.
in conclusion, despite all the powerful language, the structure feels very off-balance to me. and I still can't decide if I like or dislike Lost Cities.
first paragraph: almost lost me. these opening lines felt too much like a flat textbook description, this border and that border. but the west border is undefined, huh that's unusual. I'll keep reading for that.
second paragraph: yeah yeah, it's scary and weird, I gotcha. they all are.
third paragraph: now here's a hook. it arrived late, but it's a really good one. wonderful grotesque imagery that suggests the meat of the story.
galloping east for eternity
this is an error. they should be galloping west.
this muddled my first reading, and I didn't catch it until I re-read. I thought they were all willingly marching INTO the zone, for whatever motive. that's creepy for completely different reasons, but not the intended story.
fourth paragraph: pretty descriptions that are wasting my time. yeah yeah, I already know it's Equestria. I love the last line about the wolves, and it's setting up new information I needed to know.
fifth & sixth paragraphs: I'll just echo other complaints that it suddenly shifts into a more personal tone, and it's not satisfying. after the statues and the horizons, it's missing the last step to complete the story. the wailing against Twilight doesn't quite fit in the theme, it's not showing me a new result after the disaster. it's almost as if the story ended on its climax, so to speak.
in conclusion, despite all the powerful language, the structure feels very off-balance to me. and I still can't decide if I like or dislike Lost Cities.
Ooof, that first paragraph. :/
My biggest problem with really enjoying this story (besides plowing through that bigger struggle/struggle blockade) was that I originally thought Glasses and Midnight were cooperating, instead of arguing; this felt like some sort of natural disaster they were working together to try and fix without agreeing on the methodology, so a lot of what was going on needed to be re-contextualized after something something miniskirts?
Maybe I'd have done better if I watched Friendship Games. /shrug. As-is, though, the peak of this mostly just confused me.
My biggest problem with really enjoying this story (besides plowing through that bigger struggle/struggle blockade) was that I originally thought Glasses and Midnight were cooperating, instead of arguing; this felt like some sort of natural disaster they were working together to try and fix without agreeing on the methodology, so a lot of what was going on needed to be re-contextualized after something something miniskirts?
Maybe I'd have done better if I watched Friendship Games. /shrug. As-is, though, the peak of this mostly just confused me.
So, this was doing a great job of setting the scene and getting me invested in the characters...And then Twilight disappeared, and I completely lost track of what was happening.
I dunno, Author. I couldn't figure out what you're getting at with that book at all. Was Twilight in the book? Was Spike in the book? was it some sort of metaphor? What's the meaning behind shelving it? Why did Twilight disappear?
What's going on?
I just don't get it. Perhaps that's my fault, but yeah. You lost me, and hard. Maybe this is based on some twilight zone thing I've never seen.
I dunno, Author. I couldn't figure out what you're getting at with that book at all. Was Twilight in the book? Was Spike in the book? was it some sort of metaphor? What's the meaning behind shelving it? Why did Twilight disappear?
What's going on?
I just don't get it. Perhaps that's my fault, but yeah. You lost me, and hard. Maybe this is based on some twilight zone thing I've never seen.
I’ve another grievance here:
Either we're talking about Spike being in an alien world, or an alien Spike in the true world, no?
But in the former case, Spike would've been surprised getting pears and not apples.
In the latter case, Spike would've been surprised getting apples instead of pears.
So, logically, we're speaking here about an alien Spike in his alien world. Why should I care?
Either we're talking about Spike being in an alien world, or an alien Spike in the true world, no?
But in the former case, Spike would've been surprised getting pears and not apples.
In the latter case, Spike would've been surprised getting apples instead of pears.
So, logically, we're speaking here about an alien Spike in his alien world. Why should I care?
>>Haze
Simple? infantile oversimplification
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I don't miund the tricks, but when they fail, they tend to bring the story down.
>>SPark
If you can follow the story all the way down to Twilight is cute, I guess?
>>Morning Sun
I think I can agree with that. The story book is tor toddlers, not bronies and pegasisters.
Simple? infantile oversimplification
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I don't miund the tricks, but when they fail, they tend to bring the story down.
>>SPark
If you can follow the story all the way down to Twilight is cute, I guess?
>>Morning Sun
I think I can agree with that. The story book is tor toddlers, not bronies and pegasisters.
So, weirdly enough, I guess the emotional arc for this one is entirely in Twilight's head?
That's interesting. It's also, I think, part of why I found this a little unsatisfying; the resolution to this story is, in the end, the realization that there really isn't a problem here at all, so there's no point in worrying. I'm not saying that can't work, but as-is, it's a bit... hmm. I want to say say something here about lack of agency, but that's not really a problem. All I can say is that, maybe if this built up a bit more, went even further into the panic/ridiculous side of things, I'd have found it more than mildly amusing? If Twilight's annoyance/worry was introduced sooner, and Luna was even more emphatic, and... Mmm. Maybe not, I dunno. I feel like that runs the risk of alienating another side of the audience, who would find it simply annoying.
Eh, well. Maybe there's something worth thinking about in that rambling. I enjoyed this somewhat, even if it was just for the mental picture of Celestia acting sheepish. Oh, and it has a complete arc/didn't unduly confuse me, which is... surprisingly uncommon this round. :P
That's interesting. It's also, I think, part of why I found this a little unsatisfying; the resolution to this story is, in the end, the realization that there really isn't a problem here at all, so there's no point in worrying. I'm not saying that can't work, but as-is, it's a bit... hmm. I want to say say something here about lack of agency, but that's not really a problem. All I can say is that, maybe if this built up a bit more, went even further into the panic/ridiculous side of things, I'd have found it more than mildly amusing? If Twilight's annoyance/worry was introduced sooner, and Luna was even more emphatic, and... Mmm. Maybe not, I dunno. I feel like that runs the risk of alienating another side of the audience, who would find it simply annoying.
Eh, well. Maybe there's something worth thinking about in that rambling. I enjoyed this somewhat, even if it was just for the mental picture of Celestia acting sheepish. Oh, and it has a complete arc/didn't unduly confuse me, which is... surprisingly uncommon this round. :P
There were a few clunky lines in there, but I'll forgive them because I laughed. Hard. This idea is great, and it was executed well.
Oh, I originally thought it was 'dragon' instead of 'draconequs' (because Spike spending time with the CMC makes more sense to me than Discord, maybe?) so that threw me.
But yeah, funny stuff, especially the 'octopus'.
Oh, I originally thought it was 'dragon' instead of 'draconequs' (because Spike spending time with the CMC makes more sense to me than Discord, maybe?) so that threw me.
But yeah, funny stuff, especially the 'octopus'.
I think that fourth-from-the-end paragraph needs to be further up in the story, maybe about where she looks through her telescope for the first time.
Because, honestly, what she's seeing really isn't that scary, without understanding the meaning behind it. She's obviously freaking out, but if I don't understand why, it just feels like it's alienating me from the character.
This could be good, I think, but right now it feels like it's trying to be creepy and have a clever reveal, and... I don't think those work together well for it. Better to just go for a straight descent into eldritch horror.
Oh yeah, and my first thought on her not seeing them pulse through the telescope was 'mirrors' - but I don't think she's got a reflecting scope.
Because, honestly, what she's seeing really isn't that scary, without understanding the meaning behind it. She's obviously freaking out, but if I don't understand why, it just feels like it's alienating me from the character.
This could be good, I think, but right now it feels like it's trying to be creepy and have a clever reveal, and... I don't think those work together well for it. Better to just go for a straight descent into eldritch horror.
Oh yeah, and my first thought on her not seeing them pulse through the telescope was 'mirrors' - but I don't think she's got a reflecting scope.
The writing here is... more than a little rough. I found some of it humorous, but it was mostly kinda a chore to read, especially a two or three paragraph chunk which had the word 'attic' in it about five times, for no discernible reason. >.<
Other than that, why does Octavia suddenly decide to kill these humans? That really seemed to come in out of the blue. Does she mistake them for something else?
I haven't seen the Twilight Zone episode this is based on, so I can't comment on that.
Oh, and instead of <text> tags, try using the bbcode quote tags. I think they works in stories.
Other than that, why does Octavia suddenly decide to kill these humans? That really seemed to come in out of the blue. Does she mistake them for something else?
I haven't seen the Twilight Zone episode this is based on, so I can't comment on that.
Oh, and instead of <text> tags, try using the bbcode quote tags. I think they works in stories.
>>Exuno
Alright, the last piece is solved! The image files uploaded, when opened as raw text, have some hints embedded at the end. The first explains
and the second
Converting it to a .7z and pulling out the files inside gets a .txt titled "Good Job" with a link here and the password "woodenspoon".
And that's that! Fun puzzle, thanks for constructing it. I enjoyed the prose and writing, too – honestly, even with all the riddle and meta elements removed, and just the story submitted by itself, it probably wouldn't have been near the bottom of my slate. <_<
Alright, the last piece is solved! The image files uploaded, when opened as raw text, have some hints embedded at the end. The first explains
"Do not go there. Just take the URL's keyword, and give that to derpy.me again."
and the second
"Close, but not quite! You need to extract the answer."
Converting it to a .7z and pulling out the files inside gets a .txt titled "Good Job" with a link here and the password "woodenspoon".
And that's that! Fun puzzle, thanks for constructing it. I enjoyed the prose and writing, too – honestly, even with all the riddle and meta elements removed, and just the story submitted by itself, it probably wouldn't have been near the bottom of my slate. <_<
Huh. It's an original conceit, I'll give you that. I mean, except for where it's borrowed from the Truman Show... I guess what I mean is that I haven't seen this crossover done before, and this is a fairly good way to do it.
Unfortunately, to me it feels more like an extended infodump than a dramatic story. It's a 'this is neat' fic with an idea so big, by the time it gets to the end of describing it, we're done. And, admittedly, it's pretty neat. But there's not much more to it than that.
There are some rough spots in the narration/dialogue, too. 'beamed to', 'formidable bad egg', just slightly odd word choices. It's understandable, but doesn't really flow quite right.
This is far from bad, but it's not really impressive to me, either.
Unfortunately, to me it feels more like an extended infodump than a dramatic story. It's a 'this is neat' fic with an idea so big, by the time it gets to the end of describing it, we're done. And, admittedly, it's pretty neat. But there's not much more to it than that.
There are some rough spots in the narration/dialogue, too. 'beamed to', 'formidable bad egg', just slightly odd word choices. It's understandable, but doesn't really flow quite right.
This is far from bad, but it's not really impressive to me, either.
Announcement!
Radio Writeoff
Will Record
Barring Catastrophe
On this coming Friday
At
9pm GMT
Or
3pm Central
Unless I Calculated Wrong
Again.
Join Us For
Discussion!
Banter!
And
Quill's Dulcet Tones!
We may even discuss YOUR story!
Use the Discord link at the top of the page to find us.
I liked this. As noted, it's kind of shallow – there's an emotional hook that's strong, but it doesn't break any new ground or present a meaningful conclusion based on its idea. It mostly just makes me go :(
But it nailed the tone of getting me to go :( and I appreciate that. The pacing and contrast of the emotional bits and the dry science worked very well.
But it nailed the tone of getting me to go :( and I appreciate that. The pacing and contrast of the emotional bits and the dry science worked very well.
So, uh, Luna doesn't like humans...?
I'm not really sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, it's a fresh idea, and parts of it were clever and funny. On the other hand, it seems like some of the jokes it makes are overly obvious, and that ends up feeling slightly mean-spirited to me. Poking fun at things can be fun. But... it can also be cruel. And I'm not really sure where the line falls here, except some things felt like they were a bit more mean-spirited than I would like. On the third hand, there's definitely an audience out there for that, or even more extreme stuff... so make of it what you will, I guess.
Well... I think, in the end, the cleverness outweighed my annoyance, mostly on things like 'additional processing fee' or Pinkie's question, where the sarcasm is a bit subtler and feels less mean-spirited. More like 'haha this is ridiculous' than 'haha how stupid'. That mostly comes down to personal interpretation, perhaps? But comedy is often super subjective, so... eh.
I'm not really sure what to make of the ending. it seems to take a very different tack than the rest, and I don't think it really attaches well, no matter how I interpret it.
I'm not really sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, it's a fresh idea, and parts of it were clever and funny. On the other hand, it seems like some of the jokes it makes are overly obvious, and that ends up feeling slightly mean-spirited to me. Poking fun at things can be fun. But... it can also be cruel. And I'm not really sure where the line falls here, except some things felt like they were a bit more mean-spirited than I would like. On the third hand, there's definitely an audience out there for that, or even more extreme stuff... so make of it what you will, I guess.
Well... I think, in the end, the cleverness outweighed my annoyance, mostly on things like 'additional processing fee' or Pinkie's question, where the sarcasm is a bit subtler and feels less mean-spirited. More like 'haha this is ridiculous' than 'haha how stupid'. That mostly comes down to personal interpretation, perhaps? But comedy is often super subjective, so... eh.
I'm not really sure what to make of the ending. it seems to take a very different tack than the rest, and I don't think it really attaches well, no matter how I interpret it.
I appreciate the world-building and storyline you present outside the zone, but it's hard to comprehend the status quo. In such a post-apocalypse, who is even writing this description? For who to read? There's a structure you could create with this that only implies these questions, without making them distracting, but by removing so much of the detachment at the end it makes them pertinent.
I don't think that taking a personal tone with the ending is a bad call necessarily, but it's awfully melodramatic and jarring in its current state, when it seems like it should be much more resigned.
I don't think that taking a personal tone with the ending is a bad call necessarily, but it's awfully melodramatic and jarring in its current state, when it seems like it should be much more resigned.
Okay, so there's two stories here, and I can't grasp the exact meaning of either. Twilight and Spike have to read this book for some unstated reason before they can leave? Why? I get that the idea being the framing story is that the book drove Twilight nuts, King in Yellow style, and I watched friggen' Danganronpa 3 so, sure, I can accept that. It seems like the framing story would be significantly more effective if Twilight was enthralled by the story and assigned it to Spike as valuable reading, instead of confusingly terrified by it, then?
In the sub-story itself, there should be a sense of insanity and incomprehensible action, and so I think it kind of works there. It's lacking a bit of description though – Whirl is some kind of horrific alien... probably? At first he's "something", and then later has a "new form". Is he robotic in nature, maybe?? If you're going to have a straight gorefic, which I can get behind, at least give me enough details that I think I'm imagining the same thing as you (if not so many that you get DQ'd.) Get some more discrete beats and escalation in there, too – things sort of jump to "And then everyone died!" in the span of two paragraphs, without giving any chance to dwell on any individual bit.
In the sub-story itself, there should be a sense of insanity and incomprehensible action, and so I think it kind of works there. It's lacking a bit of description though – Whirl is some kind of horrific alien... probably? At first he's "something", and then later has a "new form". Is he robotic in nature, maybe?? If you're going to have a straight gorefic, which I can get behind, at least give me enough details that I think I'm imagining the same thing as you (if not so many that you get DQ'd.) Get some more discrete beats and escalation in there, too – things sort of jump to "And then everyone died!" in the span of two paragraphs, without giving any chance to dwell on any individual bit.
My first issue is the Punctuation missing on a few points where I feel it should have been.
>>Kami
Agreed, we don't really Twilight in the probe.
Depenbding on the idea of Twilight Zone referred to, but there is nothing to support it having anything to do with our Twilight Sparkle other than her name mentioned.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
For a mini fic, you can enjoy the story, but the reasons why should still be important if you can squeeze it into the word count.
>>Kami
Agreed, we don't really Twilight in the probe.
Depenbding on the idea of Twilight Zone referred to, but there is nothing to support it having anything to do with our Twilight Sparkle other than her name mentioned.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
For a mini fic, you can enjoy the story, but the reasons why should still be important if you can squeeze it into the word count.
First off, thoughts demand "Sitation marks", just like spoken lines. There is no excuse.
I did enjoy the idea of having them together. She had to take the night hift of course.
>>Skywriter
Then I have to put a vote against you here.
I did enjoy the idea of having them together. She had to take the night hift of course.
>>Skywriter
Then I have to put a vote against you here.
Okay, this? This I liked. A lot. Ritual seems to form around princesses like dust on the back shelves. It’s fascinating and quite fun to see how that takes place for Twilight.
And let’s face it, Spike does have an unfair advantage. Any dragon worth his salt knows the exact position of every item in his hoard.
And let’s face it, Spike does have an unfair advantage. Any dragon worth his salt knows the exact position of every item in his hoard.
I’ve seen in-show songs converted into conversations a few times in the past. It always feels surreal, especially when preceded by word-for-word show dialogue.
In any case, I’m going to have to echo the others. You spend too much space establishing the scene and not enough explaining just what you were trying to get across. Given further room to explain the idea, this could work. As is? Not so much.
In any case, I’m going to have to echo the others. You spend too much space establishing the scene and not enough explaining just what you were trying to get across. Given further room to explain the idea, this could work. As is? Not so much.
Hmm. I’m torn on this one. On the one hand, it’s certainly a twist worthy of the prompt. On the other hand, the implications about everything we’ve seen feels decidedly unsatisfying. I’m not sure how to rate something both literarily competent and conceptually abhorrent. I’ll have to score based solely on the former.
Well, that’s definitely a title that makes a strong first impression.
Unlike apparently everyone else, I’ve never played the game in question or any of its ilk, so this one went over my head. And by that I mean there was a hyperspace transit somewhere else in this solar system. Sorry, but without that emotional connection, this one didn’t leave an impact on me.
Unlike apparently everyone else, I’ve never played the game in question or any of its ilk, so this one went over my head. And by that I mean there was a hyperspace transit somewhere else in this solar system. Sorry, but without that emotional connection, this one didn’t leave an impact on me.