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Crisis on Infinite Twilights
On a typical day, it was a tossup whether Alicorn Catgirl Twilight-chan's bigger struggle was using her slender arms to swing her magical daikatana as she battled the faceless hordes of Changeling assassins that plagued the neon-washed streets of Neo Canterlot, or whether it was her struggle to maintain a modicum of modesty given her impractically short miniskirt and the cartwheels, flips, and twirls that her fighting style called for.
She hated both the skirt and the Professor’s insistence that she wear it.
But this was not a typical day, as evidenced by the building-sized pink and black energy disc ripping through downtown, uprooting shining towers like weeds and tossing hovercars like silicon dust.
Twilight-chan heard crackling over her in-ear comm unit as she flew closer to the singularity. “Professor Cinch,” she shouted over the roaring wind, pressing a purple-furred paw to it. “There’s too much interference!”
The comm went silent. Twilight-chan frowned, then threw herself into a dive, straight toward the heart of the maelstrom.
As she wove her way through the swirling debris cloud, she saw with her own oversized eyes what others had reported: an image of small horses on the other side, some running pell-mell, others standing in apparent shock…
And all of them purple, just like her.
Twilight-chan awoke in the remains of a once-clean laboratory that was stuffed to capacity with talking purple horses of near-identical appearance. All shared Twilight-chan’s birthmark; most had horns; and roughly half had wings.
One was talking to her.
“What was that?” Twilight-chan said, picking herself up.
“I said you’re tall like they are,” the unicorn shouted over the din. Its mouth was more squarish than most others, and its voice was deep.
“Sorry… who are you?!”
“He’s Dusk,” said a higher-pitched unicorn with a bandaged eye and a tattered black catsuit. “I’m Tuesday.” She managed an anatomically-improbable hoof-raise, pointing deeper into the laboratory. “And if you have any bright ideas about how to stop Midnight, talk to Glasses!”
Twilight-chan waded through the throng of chattering horses, eventually reaching two purple humanoids arguing in front of a chalkboard.
“...But what will you accomplish by collapsing the separation between dimensions?” shouted one of them: a teen girl wearing glasses.
“That isn’t the point,” replied the other: a she-demon engulfed in some sort of scintillating bubble of force, and with glowing accents around her eyes, horn, and wings.
“But it’s what you’re doing,” Glasses said. “I should know; I almost tore apart the fabric between worlds in my reality!”
Midnight held up a circular device. “All I wanted was to understand the power I detected. To absorb it, to become more than I was…”
Twilight-chan had seen enough. Her horn lit, and she dropped into a combat stance, conjuring a huge, translucent daikatana into her right hand.
“Konnichiwa,” she said.
Glasses turned, took notice of her, and recoiled. “What the… ohmigosh, are you some kind of anthro-cat version of us with a laser sword?!”
Midnight raised a hand toward Twilight-chan. “Please… I'm just tired of being forced to do what others want. ‘Twilight, study this. Twilight, compete in the Friendship Games…’”
Twilight-chan frowned, and looked down at her miniskirt.
“I hated those too,” Glasses said. “But giving up this power doesn't have to be the end of your choices. Don’t do this because you have to; let it be because you want these worlds to live!”
Midnight narrowed her eyes. “I can’t go back. You don’t understand the hold Principal Cinch has on me.”
“Wait,” Twilight-chan said. “You know a Cinch in your reality as well?”
Both Midnight and Glasses nodded. “She’s pretty much the worst,” Glasses said.
Twilight-chan lowered the daikatana. “Then perhaps… we can make a deal? If you can find the courage to let these words live, maybe I can finally find the courage to tell my Cinch where she can stuff this awful skirt?”
Glasses and Midnight both looked down at it and grimaced. “Ohmigosh,” Midnight said. “That's… almost as terrible as Cinch herself…”
“Then let us be brave together,” Twilight-chan said, extending a paw.
Power surged as Midnight closed her eyes and brought her hands together. The world went white…
Twilight-chan awoke in a crater at the heart of Neo Canterlot. Her comm buzzed with questions from Professor Cinch, but she didn't listen. Instead, she pawed the comm and cleared her throat.
“Yes, this is Twilight-chan. Mission accomplished, but Professor… we need to talk about something.”
She smiled, thinking about comfy and practical sweatpants.
She hated both the skirt and the Professor’s insistence that she wear it.
But this was not a typical day, as evidenced by the building-sized pink and black energy disc ripping through downtown, uprooting shining towers like weeds and tossing hovercars like silicon dust.
Twilight-chan heard crackling over her in-ear comm unit as she flew closer to the singularity. “Professor Cinch,” she shouted over the roaring wind, pressing a purple-furred paw to it. “There’s too much interference!”
The comm went silent. Twilight-chan frowned, then threw herself into a dive, straight toward the heart of the maelstrom.
As she wove her way through the swirling debris cloud, she saw with her own oversized eyes what others had reported: an image of small horses on the other side, some running pell-mell, others standing in apparent shock…
And all of them purple, just like her.
Twilight-chan awoke in the remains of a once-clean laboratory that was stuffed to capacity with talking purple horses of near-identical appearance. All shared Twilight-chan’s birthmark; most had horns; and roughly half had wings.
One was talking to her.
“What was that?” Twilight-chan said, picking herself up.
“I said you’re tall like they are,” the unicorn shouted over the din. Its mouth was more squarish than most others, and its voice was deep.
“Sorry… who are you?!”
“He’s Dusk,” said a higher-pitched unicorn with a bandaged eye and a tattered black catsuit. “I’m Tuesday.” She managed an anatomically-improbable hoof-raise, pointing deeper into the laboratory. “And if you have any bright ideas about how to stop Midnight, talk to Glasses!”
Twilight-chan waded through the throng of chattering horses, eventually reaching two purple humanoids arguing in front of a chalkboard.
“...But what will you accomplish by collapsing the separation between dimensions?” shouted one of them: a teen girl wearing glasses.
“That isn’t the point,” replied the other: a she-demon engulfed in some sort of scintillating bubble of force, and with glowing accents around her eyes, horn, and wings.
“But it’s what you’re doing,” Glasses said. “I should know; I almost tore apart the fabric between worlds in my reality!”
Midnight held up a circular device. “All I wanted was to understand the power I detected. To absorb it, to become more than I was…”
Twilight-chan had seen enough. Her horn lit, and she dropped into a combat stance, conjuring a huge, translucent daikatana into her right hand.
“Konnichiwa,” she said.
Glasses turned, took notice of her, and recoiled. “What the… ohmigosh, are you some kind of anthro-cat version of us with a laser sword?!”
Midnight raised a hand toward Twilight-chan. “Please… I'm just tired of being forced to do what others want. ‘Twilight, study this. Twilight, compete in the Friendship Games…’”
Twilight-chan frowned, and looked down at her miniskirt.
“I hated those too,” Glasses said. “But giving up this power doesn't have to be the end of your choices. Don’t do this because you have to; let it be because you want these worlds to live!”
Midnight narrowed her eyes. “I can’t go back. You don’t understand the hold Principal Cinch has on me.”
“Wait,” Twilight-chan said. “You know a Cinch in your reality as well?”
Both Midnight and Glasses nodded. “She’s pretty much the worst,” Glasses said.
Twilight-chan lowered the daikatana. “Then perhaps… we can make a deal? If you can find the courage to let these words live, maybe I can finally find the courage to tell my Cinch where she can stuff this awful skirt?”
Glasses and Midnight both looked down at it and grimaced. “Ohmigosh,” Midnight said. “That's… almost as terrible as Cinch herself…”
“Then let us be brave together,” Twilight-chan said, extending a paw.
Power surged as Midnight closed her eyes and brought her hands together. The world went white…
Twilight-chan awoke in a crater at the heart of Neo Canterlot. Her comm buzzed with questions from Professor Cinch, but she didn't listen. Instead, she pawed the comm and cleared her throat.
“Yes, this is Twilight-chan. Mission accomplished, but Professor… we need to talk about something.”
She smiled, thinking about comfy and practical sweatpants.
I didn't think I was going to enjoy this, but actually I did! It's tricky to make humorous meta-stories like this not feel gimmicky and forced, but it plays out really believably. I think it's a little hampered by the length restrictions, I'd love to see Twilight-chan meeting the other Twilights unfold a little more slowly, and their coming to an agreement happen a bit less easily, so do consider re-working it after the contest.
This was the first story I read on my slate, with the second being The Twilight Council. Oddly enough, it has some of the same issues which that story did. Namely, not enough time to interact or space to interact with more than one or two Twilights, although this story handles that constraint differently than the first.
It might be unfair to compare them directly, but personally, I think this story didn't handle the multi-Twilight (mulTwi?) paradox as well as did the first, which had a distinct personality for Twilight to play off of, and manifested other forms of Twilight creatively. I admit that I chuckled at Dusk Shine, and the use of Kawaii Neko-Chan Towairaito as the protag gives this story a certain weeby flair. But I wish more had been done to characterize the other manifestations of Twilight differently.
Specifically, I would have liked to see more distinction between SciTwi and Midnight. Even if it was something really trivial or silly, like SciTwi wears a steel bikini, or Midnight's outfit is modest and sensible.
Thumbs up for having the only opening sentence in the writeoff thus far to make me laugh out loud. :)
It might be unfair to compare them directly, but personally, I think this story didn't handle the multi-Twilight (mulTwi?) paradox as well as did the first, which had a distinct personality for Twilight to play off of, and manifested other forms of Twilight creatively. I admit that I chuckled at Dusk Shine, and the use of Kawaii Neko-Chan Towairaito as the protag gives this story a certain weeby flair. But I wish more had been done to characterize the other manifestations of Twilight differently.
Specifically, I would have liked to see more distinction between SciTwi and Midnight. Even if it was something really trivial or silly, like SciTwi wears a steel bikini, or Midnight's outfit is modest and sensible.
Thumbs up for having the only opening sentence in the writeoff thus far to make me laugh out loud. :)
The only complaint I can really make here about the hook is the length of that first sentence. Try breaking it down into shorter, more digestible chunks -- perhaps describe each struggle separately, and then constrast them as sentence three?
I'm a fan of the gloriously crackficcy idea here. I do think that it loses steam as it goes, though. You go from a high-octane magical-girl fight to a second scene that's basically all talking, and the resolution feels awfully anticlimactic. I mean, yes yes, Twilight Sparkle solves problems through friendship, but the opening promises so much momentum that it's a little disappointing to have it turn so subdued. I'm also not sure this entirely sticks the landing -- that final line was worth a smile, but it just seems so ... small. Kind of the same way that >>Posh points out you have "infinite Twilights" to work with, out of which we see four and extensively speak to only three.
Basically, this wraps at 750 words exactly, and feels awfully compressed to fit. I hope you saved the full original version for later expansion.
Tier: Almost There
I'm a fan of the gloriously crackficcy idea here. I do think that it loses steam as it goes, though. You go from a high-octane magical-girl fight to a second scene that's basically all talking, and the resolution feels awfully anticlimactic. I mean, yes yes, Twilight Sparkle solves problems through friendship, but the opening promises so much momentum that it's a little disappointing to have it turn so subdued. I'm also not sure this entirely sticks the landing -- that final line was worth a smile, but it just seems so ... small. Kind of the same way that >>Posh points out you have "infinite Twilights" to work with, out of which we see four and extensively speak to only three.
Basically, this wraps at 750 words exactly, and feels awfully compressed to fit. I hope you saved the full original version for later expansion.
Tier: Almost There
This is fun, readers will get a laugh out of it for the main character alone.
I was hoping there would be at least one more completely wacky version of Twilight like the catgirl one, the other variations we meet are pretty familiar already. oh wait, Posh said that. and horizon shares my view that it slows down by having the characters just talk it out. it loses the crackfic flavor it started with.
I wanted to see some more crossover happening. I was expecting them to visit each other's worlds and solve each other's social problems for them. or make things even worse, that'd be fun too.
I was hoping there would be at least one more completely wacky version of Twilight like the catgirl one, the other variations we meet are pretty familiar already. oh wait, Posh said that. and horizon shares my view that it slows down by having the characters just talk it out. it loses the crackfic flavor it started with.
I wanted to see some more crossover happening. I was expecting them to visit each other's worlds and solve each other's social problems for them. or make things even worse, that'd be fun too.
Ooof, that first paragraph. :/
My biggest problem with really enjoying this story (besides plowing through that bigger struggle/struggle blockade) was that I originally thought Glasses and Midnight were cooperating, instead of arguing; this felt like some sort of natural disaster they were working together to try and fix without agreeing on the methodology, so a lot of what was going on needed to be re-contextualized after something something miniskirts?
Maybe I'd have done better if I watched Friendship Games. /shrug. As-is, though, the peak of this mostly just confused me.
My biggest problem with really enjoying this story (besides plowing through that bigger struggle/struggle blockade) was that I originally thought Glasses and Midnight were cooperating, instead of arguing; this felt like some sort of natural disaster they were working together to try and fix without agreeing on the methodology, so a lot of what was going on needed to be re-contextualized after something something miniskirts?
Maybe I'd have done better if I watched Friendship Games. /shrug. As-is, though, the peak of this mostly just confused me.
Genre:
Thoughts: WOW, after reading both this and The Twilight Council, I totally get why >>Posh compared them. I mean, they don't seem like they're aiming at being the same kind of story (except inasmuch as they're both wacky comedies... hmm...) but the concept they draw upon in their middle sections is uncannily similar. And as much as I hate to say it, Author, I feel like The Twilight Council makes a stronger and funnier use of that concept in its middle section. Bringing in Dusk Shine and Future Twilight is a clear attempt at something similar, but if we're going with "Infinite Twilights," then we need some more off-the-wall Twilights to keep things maximally interesting.
Now, since I've already done the gauche thing and compared two stories so directly, I'll double-down on that comparison and say that I feel like this delivers the more satisfying opening by far. That first sentence is an almighty run-on but dang that's how you start a crackfic!! As for the ending, I'll go with >>horizon in calling it a bit subdued, but it worked for me regardless; the thing with the miniskirt recurred often enough that I got a smile from Twilight-chan's proposed alternative.
The main thing I'll say here is that The Twilight Council shows us how this could've made stronger use of the central concept, but I think this does an overall stronger and more consistent job of being the kind of story it's trying to be, if that makes sense.
Tier: Almost There
John Romero'sTwilight Sparkle's
About To Make YouHisHerbuy some apples!Friend
Thoughts: WOW, after reading both this and The Twilight Council, I totally get why >>Posh compared them. I mean, they don't seem like they're aiming at being the same kind of story (except inasmuch as they're both wacky comedies... hmm...) but the concept they draw upon in their middle sections is uncannily similar. And as much as I hate to say it, Author, I feel like The Twilight Council makes a stronger and funnier use of that concept in its middle section. Bringing in Dusk Shine and Future Twilight is a clear attempt at something similar, but if we're going with "Infinite Twilights," then we need some more off-the-wall Twilights to keep things maximally interesting.
Now, since I've already done the gauche thing and compared two stories so directly, I'll double-down on that comparison and say that I feel like this delivers the more satisfying opening by far. That first sentence is an almighty run-on but dang that's how you start a crackfic!! As for the ending, I'll go with >>horizon in calling it a bit subdued, but it worked for me regardless; the thing with the miniskirt recurred often enough that I got a smile from Twilight-chan's proposed alternative.
The main thing I'll say here is that The Twilight Council shows us how this could've made stronger use of the central concept, but I think this does an overall stronger and more consistent job of being the kind of story it's trying to be, if that makes sense.
Tier: Almost There
Alicorn Catgirl Twilight-chanWhat.
This turned out a lot better than I feared, but as has been said, you have infinite Twilights. Use them! Especially since there should be more than a few of them who have already had the Midnight experience. Heck, I’m surprised that they didn’t form some kind of Midnight Persuasion Committee.
Fun, but I look forward to seeing what happens when you unpack this.
Okay, great opening. Yeah, it could be slightly more punchy, as Horizon said, but it works and sets a fun tone out of the gate. The next few bits are pretty good as well, and definitely had me hooked. Given the farcical nature of this though, I really wanted to hear NekoTwi end every sentence with "meow" for some reason.
I don't know, it's funnier in my head.
Annnnyway... Yeah, good start, and a funny premise. But it gets a little confusing in the talky bit of the middle. First off, it's not quite clear to me at first who Midnight and Glasses are, and by the time I realize it's EQG, it's halfway done with the scene. The miniskirt bit is also played too straight. It's part of the opening sentence, it's brought up again by the others, and is obviously a Plot Point, but... the resolution is just to say "let's have a serious talk about sweatpants" and that feels like a major let down, especially compared to the high energy the story opened with. I'm not quite sure how to fix it, but the ending needs to be at least as funny as the premise, with miniskirts somehow saving the day. Or maybe it being laundry day (maybe for another version of herself) to start with, and so she actually is wearing sweatpants on this "atypical" day, and that makes all the difference. Or just go dark, and do the Horrible Bosses bit, "I'll kill your Cinch if you kill mine."
Lastly, I feel like there were way too many missed opportunities to use the phrase "Short Skirts and Explosions" here. :-)
There's too much interference, meow!
What was that, meow?
... we need to talk about something, meow.
I don't know, it's funnier in my head.
Annnnyway... Yeah, good start, and a funny premise. But it gets a little confusing in the talky bit of the middle. First off, it's not quite clear to me at first who Midnight and Glasses are, and by the time I realize it's EQG, it's halfway done with the scene. The miniskirt bit is also played too straight. It's part of the opening sentence, it's brought up again by the others, and is obviously a Plot Point, but... the resolution is just to say "let's have a serious talk about sweatpants" and that feels like a major let down, especially compared to the high energy the story opened with. I'm not quite sure how to fix it, but the ending needs to be at least as funny as the premise, with miniskirts somehow saving the day. Or maybe it being laundry day (maybe for another version of herself) to start with, and so she actually is wearing sweatpants on this "atypical" day, and that makes all the difference. Or just go dark, and do the Horrible Bosses bit, "I'll kill your Cinch if you kill mine."
Lastly, I feel like there were way too many missed opportunities to use the phrase "Short Skirts and Explosions" here. :-)
Crisis on Infinite Retrospectives
Normally I feel some amount of trepidation when I submit a Writeoff story, but this time I felt confident I had a winner: it’s a complete adventure that fits into a 750-word package, and it has a memorable main character with innate appeal and relatable goals. What’s not to like?
In hindsight, my first mistake was failing to be mindful of the differences in pace and tone between the beginning, middle, and end sections. I thought it flowed pretty well in general, but I can see now that the middle and end do only what they absolutely need to do to advance the plot. I kinda recognized that going in, but I thought that would be a strength, and it wasn’t; the high-octane silliness of the beginning part sets expectations too high to just speed through the rest. I suppose that’s ultimately not a bad problem to have as I look at expanding it. But I can also see that Twilight-Chan is more of a spectator than a prime mover, despite her one moment of persuasiveness that wraps things up, The miniskirt thing may also be a recurring element, but it doesn’t reach the level of being thematic, and it ultimately wasn't strong enough to hang the whole story on.
Another mistake was expecting just the Twilights who make it on-screen to carry readers’ interest through the middle section. That would’ve been a tenuous prospect even if The Twilight Council wasn’t in contention, because of course people would want a big crazy variety of Twilights! How didn’t I see that coming?! Alas.
Of course, something else that probably didn't help was going up against The Twilight Council.
I blanched when I read early reviews of The Twilight Council, and blanched again when I read the story proper. I thought I had an original idea here, but I think it’s indisputable that The Twilight Council handles a similar concept in a stronger and more memorable way. Hopefully my reviews and comparison of them didn’t come off as sour grapes; I tried to be honest, but it’s hard not to be biased. I ultimately abstained on The Twilight Council due to my lack of objectivity.
Thanks to those who read and reviewed this!
>>SPark
>>Posh
>>horizon
>>Haze
>>Not_A_Hat
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Xepher
And fear not, Kawaii Neko-Chan Towairaito (love that!) will ride again when this makes its way to FimFiction. Yatta!
>>CoffeeMinion
This comment is really late, and I apologize for that; I'll try to be better about it in the future.
I've been a fan of anime for a number of years, so the concept for this story caught my interest. I thought it was an enjoyable little piece, though I agree with a number of the comments: the first paragraph was too long and clunky, there wasn't enough interaction between different Twilights in the middle, and the resolution of the main problem seemed kind of flat.
I think the main reason for that last is that you introduced an action style character (and a cat-girl on top of that) in the beginning; when she runs into the main problem, she should pull out her laser sword and invoke Leeroy Jenkins, damn the consequences. If she does actually try to talk down the villain, it should only be because something about the situation reminds her of something deeply personal (maybe Twilight-chan faced a similar situation involving a close friend, and she wants to see if she can make things come to a more satisfying conclusion this time). Either one would better fit the character and the anime genre in general, and I think it would glue the different parts of the story together a little better.
Thanks for your time, and I look forward to Towairaito-chan's further adventures!
This comment is really late, and I apologize for that; I'll try to be better about it in the future.
I've been a fan of anime for a number of years, so the concept for this story caught my interest. I thought it was an enjoyable little piece, though I agree with a number of the comments: the first paragraph was too long and clunky, there wasn't enough interaction between different Twilights in the middle, and the resolution of the main problem seemed kind of flat.
I think the main reason for that last is that you introduced an action style character (and a cat-girl on top of that) in the beginning; when she runs into the main problem, she should pull out her laser sword and invoke Leeroy Jenkins, damn the consequences. If she does actually try to talk down the villain, it should only be because something about the situation reminds her of something deeply personal (maybe Twilight-chan faced a similar situation involving a close friend, and she wants to see if she can make things come to a more satisfying conclusion this time). Either one would better fit the character and the anime genre in general, and I think it would glue the different parts of the story together a little better.
Thanks for your time, and I look forward to Towairaito-chan's further adventures!
