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An anonymous author creates a test, thinking to delete it before anyone notices. And in so doing, the author’s deepest secrets are ruthlessly ripped open, revealed for all to see. Sadly for the author, there are no take backs… in the Twilight Zone
Genre: Half-Life crossover/recerence? Maybe? Been too long since I played that...
Thoughts: One of the hardest things in a minific round is to tell a complete story. Setting the scene, building a mood, and introducing characters, all chews up word count that can't be spent advancing the overall plot arc.
With that background, this story doesn't, in my view, qualify as "complete." What I mean is that it sets up a situation but it ends without delivering a resolution. We don't really know who the new ponies are or what's going on or where the plot would go from here.
However, the author is effective at jumping into the story and setting up a funny and strange situation that I'd like to see more of. There's bound to be an interesting story that would come out of the preview we see here.
Tier:Needs Work Misaimed
Thoughts: One of the hardest things in a minific round is to tell a complete story. Setting the scene, building a mood, and introducing characters, all chews up word count that can't be spent advancing the overall plot arc.
With that background, this story doesn't, in my view, qualify as "complete." What I mean is that it sets up a situation but it ends without delivering a resolution. We don't really know who the new ponies are or what's going on or where the plot would go from here.
However, the author is effective at jumping into the story and setting up a funny and strange situation that I'd like to see more of. There's bound to be an interesting story that would come out of the preview we see here.
Tier:
This entry is disqualified for violating the word count rule.
The author contacted me regarding this story beforehand. While I would like to disqualify it for embedding the story in BBCode parameters and thus not being present on the epub and web views, that's not technically in the rules (yet).
My requirements for allowing it were that the visible text met the minimum word count, and the total decoded text did not exceed the maximum. If the garbage at the bottom counts as words, the latter count is failed. If they don't, the former is.
Since people keep independently discovering this loophole and proceeding to abuse it, I'm going to have to add a rule specifically regarding it.*
The reason I don't like these kinds of stories is that, first, most people won't actually discover the real story. If they do, it'll be because they read a comment directing them to do so. But more importantly, if a reader were to download the story (for example the epub) and read it offline, they would be unable to read the story, which would be frustrating. In addition, I think it's important for the different story views to have the same semantics. These things I value more than the freedom for entries to use what is by now a pretty unoriginal gimmick.
* As to why I don't implement a technical solution to this: Making the word count check very complicated would make it server-side only, so the word counter on the submission form would have a 1-2s delay and cause unnecessary load on my server. I don't think damaging UX and wasting resources to address an edge case is sensible.
The author contacted me regarding this story beforehand. While I would like to disqualify it for embedding the story in BBCode parameters and thus not being present on the epub and web views, that's not technically in the rules (yet).
My requirements for allowing it were that the visible text met the minimum word count, and the total decoded text did not exceed the maximum. If the garbage at the bottom counts as words, the latter count is failed. If they don't, the former is.
Since people keep independently discovering this loophole and proceeding to abuse it, I'm going to have to add a rule specifically regarding it.*
The reason I don't like these kinds of stories is that, first, most people won't actually discover the real story. If they do, it'll be because they read a comment directing them to do so. But more importantly, if a reader were to download the story (for example the epub) and read it offline, they would be unable to read the story, which would be frustrating. In addition, I think it's important for the different story views to have the same semantics. These things I value more than the freedom for entries to use what is by now a pretty unoriginal gimmick.
* As to why I don't implement a technical solution to this: Making the word count check very complicated would make it server-side only, so the word counter on the submission form would have a 1-2s delay and cause unnecessary load on my server. I don't think damaging UX and wasting resources to address an edge case is sensible.
Genre: The Twilight Zone, played completely straight
Thoughts: There are some technical (spelling/grammar/repetition) issues that border on distracting. Also, it seems like the author was reaching for either the [ quote ] or [ smcaps] tags at a couple points, and again, what came out on the page is a little hard to read at first. Also, the overall plot here is straightforward, and likely references an actual Twilight Zone plot (I can't confirm that, but I gotta figure someone has done this before).
However, with all that said, this was a pleasure to read. It's a short and quirky "weird tale" that weaves together campiness and creepiness in a way that's simple but ultimately satisfying.
This isn't the most ambitious or original story, but I'm pretty sure it's going more for style points than either of those. I would upvote it in a heartbeat.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: There are some technical (spelling/grammar/repetition) issues that border on distracting. Also, it seems like the author was reaching for either the [ quote ] or [ smcaps] tags at a couple points, and again, what came out on the page is a little hard to read at first. Also, the overall plot here is straightforward, and likely references an actual Twilight Zone plot (I can't confirm that, but I gotta figure someone has done this before).
However, with all that said, this was a pleasure to read. It's a short and quirky "weird tale" that weaves together campiness and creepiness in a way that's simple but ultimately satisfying.
This isn't the most ambitious or original story, but I'm pretty sure it's going more for style points than either of those. I would upvote it in a heartbeat.
Tier: Almost There
My apologies in advance. Between work and an ongoing multichapter story, the odds of me reviewing every story aren’t looking good. I’ll give it a shot, but I can’t make any promises.
As for this story, it’s an interesting take on the usual reversal of the diarchs’ roles, leaving a lot of intriguing uncertainty regarding just how the ancient conflict unfolded. Plus, it’s a clever take on the prompt, all of Equestria existing in a literal zone of twilight. In all, a very promising opening to the competition, though it doesn’t quite feel complete. While I love how many questions it raises, I can’t say the same for how many it leaves unanswered. Still, a very strong contender.
As for this story, it’s an interesting take on the usual reversal of the diarchs’ roles, leaving a lot of intriguing uncertainty regarding just how the ancient conflict unfolded. Plus, it’s a clever take on the prompt, all of Equestria existing in a literal zone of twilight. In all, a very promising opening to the competition, though it doesn’t quite feel complete. While I love how many questions it raises, I can’t say the same for how many it leaves unanswered. Still, a very strong contender.
Each one felt too precious to throw away than the last.Bit of an idiomatic mixup there. Either drop “than the last” or make it “Each one felt more precious than the last.”
There are a few other proofreading flubs here and there, but overall the story is… certainly interesting. I can always appreciate something set in probability space, but it feels a bit too grandiose for its own good, especially given the payoff. It feels rushed, though some of that is definitely the word limit. Still, while you have some great ideas, you don’t really do much with them beyond present them, and ironically enough, you leave some plot threads dangling. There’s never any explanation for why literally everyone asks Twilight which is the best of all possible worlds. Or so she interprets it. If nothing else, I have to give you tremendous credit for Bookhorse vastly overcomplicating a simple question.
I’m aware of how contradictory this sounds, but this needs to be both tightened up and spread out. Once you have room to breathe on a multiversal scale, this’ll be great.
I knew there was going to be a twist. You still got me with it. Very nicely done.
A. Freaking Mazing. I love everything about this, from Lyra and Moondancer riffing off of one another to the metafictional aspects to how the ending is both satisfying yet presents the potential for expansion. Thank you for this.
Oh. Oh my. This is potent stuff. A bit curtailed by the word limit, especially since you went for the absolute minimum, but what is there really sells the tragedy. It would be nice to know why Twilight S.P.A.R.K.L.E. is looking for a new home—and while we’re on the subject, the backronym’s a bit forced—but this is still very nice. Definitely something that should be expanded after the contest ends.
The problem with suspenseful minifics is that there just isn’t enough time to build up the tension, especially not in under five hundred words. Plus, when most of the story is a frankly humorous scene of Twilight not being able to see Rod Serling and the shocks are so minimally described, there’s nothing there to grip the reader’s heart. This will need some heavy work to get the effect you’re trying for.
Oh, and for those wondering about the title, it’s a riff on one of the openings for The Twilight Zone.
Oh, and for those wondering about the title, it’s a riff on one of the openings for The Twilight Zone.
This title promises to be really funny, really dumb, or both.
Oh. Well, so much for first impressions. This turned out quite sweet. Should you expand, I recommend changing the title to something outside of the “Pony Verbs a Noun” formula; otherwise it might make people discount a touching tale before they ever gave it chance.
Oh. Well, so much for first impressions. This turned out quite sweet. Should you expand, I recommend changing the title to something outside of the “Pony Verbs a Noun” formula; otherwise it might make people discount a touching tale before they ever gave it chance.
Uh… what? Seriously, I am lost. The conversation between Evening Star and Luna goes over my head, especially when Star’s the one to discount… well, the stars. No idea what that question is supposed to mean, especially given how she’s supposed to be encouraging Luna that she still serves a purpose. And the ending… What?
Sorry, but you completely lost me with this one. I have no idea what you were going for, and as such now idea how to fix it.
Sorry, but you completely lost me with this one. I have no idea what you were going for, and as such now idea how to fix it.
Another victim of the author being too clever for their own good. A shame; I liked the self-referential aspect of it. Still, try to keep the experimentation to the content of the text and not the surrounding code in the future. Or at least check with Roger and provide better breadcrumbs.
The grandiose language presents a less than pleasant contrast with the story’s revelation, such as it is. Not sure what you were going for here, but the story just kind of… exists. The last line helps, but it isn’t enough.
Ooh, poetry.
Whoa. Symmetrical poetry. I’m not sure how much the meaning shifts as we move past the middle, but it’s definitely coherent both ways around. If nothing else, incredible work in putting this together. Kudos.
Whoa. Symmetrical poetry. I’m not sure how much the meaning shifts as we move past the middle, but it’s definitely coherent both ways around. If nothing else, incredible work in putting this together. Kudos.
Fascinating. The line about new spots on the moon makes me wonder who else got banished, and who did the banishing. Unfortunately, I can’t say for certain precisely what happened. You’ve given us a mystery without a clear resolution. At least, not one I can see. More space should give you room to clarify what precisely happened. I look forward to seeing it.
You may have thought that last bit was a punchline. I think it was your subconscious trying to warn you. Pinkamena’s Wake this isn’t. Sorry, but it just didn’t do anything for me beyond some appreciable wordplay.
Pretty decent horror story, but…
I don’t usually say this, but the story doesn’t feel especially pony. I know that can be an unhelpful and ephemeral metric, but this plot really feels like “humans in funny clothing” rather than anything that might take place in Equestria. If anything, it almost feels like a stealth Fallout: Equestria story, set before the bombs fell. Then and there, I could see it.
Also, how does he know for sure that she’s out of bullets? She only fired three shots.
Honestly, you might be best served by presenting this as original fiction.
I don’t usually say this, but the story doesn’t feel especially pony. I know that can be an unhelpful and ephemeral metric, but this plot really feels like “humans in funny clothing” rather than anything that might take place in Equestria. If anything, it almost feels like a stealth Fallout: Equestria story, set before the bombs fell. Then and there, I could see it.
Also, how does he know for sure that she’s out of bullets? She only fired three shots.
Honestly, you might be best served by presenting this as original fiction.
Again, there just wasn't enough room available to really sell the tension and the twist—and the on-the-nose title didn't you do any favors—but a noble attempt all the same. I definitely look forward to seeing this expanded.
I'm aware that this may seem a shredding of the story, but I feel that if I can articulate why something didn't work for me, then it maybe can be useful for the author. As for all my criticism, Author, feel free to ignore everything here.
Twilight in her role as Princess of Friendship is a quite flexible setup. It can lead to a lot of different and interesting stories, them being character exploration, absurdist escapades or the dissection of ethical issues. In this case the story feels a bit unfocused. Coupled with the word limit, this means that it never manages to take off, which is a shame.
Twilights voice and demeanor were good, if a bit on the side of earlier seasons when she still struggled with her role. Spike was spot on, probably the best part of this story. You also used footnotes, which are one of my many, many weaknesses. Also having Twilight be the arbiter of a fight between Luna and Celestia is a great source of conflict that could develop in multiple ways.
Sadly the problem I talked about before, the lack of focus, is something that drags all the good in this story down, at least a bit. The footnotes never lived up to their potential, the long introduction (about half the story) stole space to the meat of the fic. Luna and Celestia's disagreement itself was a bit weak. Serviceable but lacking surprise. The resolution itself felt rushed.
The details you added, like holding court in the library, are nice and could work well in a longer story.
This story really needs focus and space to breathe. Depending on what you want it to be you may need to rework the conflict among the sisters.
Twilight in her role as Princess of Friendship is a quite flexible setup. It can lead to a lot of different and interesting stories, them being character exploration, absurdist escapades or the dissection of ethical issues. In this case the story feels a bit unfocused. Coupled with the word limit, this means that it never manages to take off, which is a shame.
Twilights voice and demeanor were good, if a bit on the side of earlier seasons when she still struggled with her role. Spike was spot on, probably the best part of this story. You also used footnotes, which are one of my many, many weaknesses. Also having Twilight be the arbiter of a fight between Luna and Celestia is a great source of conflict that could develop in multiple ways.
Sadly the problem I talked about before, the lack of focus, is something that drags all the good in this story down, at least a bit. The footnotes never lived up to their potential, the long introduction (about half the story) stole space to the meat of the fic. Luna and Celestia's disagreement itself was a bit weak. Serviceable but lacking surprise. The resolution itself felt rushed.
The details you added, like holding court in the library, are nice and could work well in a longer story.
This story really needs focus and space to breathe. Depending on what you want it to be you may need to rework the conflict among the sisters.
Could I get a definition for “mathome” please?
In any case, this was certainly amusing, but the time transition really caught me off-guard. You had an established story going with the two Twilights, and skipping ahead as you did left me more than a little disoriented. A more delineated shift between time periods will do a lot to help this story.
In any case, this was certainly amusing, but the time transition really caught me off-guard. You had an established story going with the two Twilights, and skipping ahead as you did left me more than a little disoriented. A more delineated shift between time periods will do a lot to help this story.
A strange and gory little slice of life, this. I do appreciate it presenting Sonata as the sailor-goring predator that she is, but beyond that, I’m not really sure what to make of it. It just kind of happens and stares at me, hands on its figurative hips and daring me to say something.
(Something. Your move, Sonata.)
But yeah, I’m going to need more to offer anything more constructive.
(Something. Your move, Sonata.)
But yeah, I’m going to need more to offer anything more constructive.
Genre: San Palomino II: Electric Boogaloo
Thoughts: I was with this right up to the final section. The big swerve doesn't make sense to me unless we have some kind of San Palomino situation going on; otherwise, why would Twilight get salty about a prophecy that was kept secret until it got to the point where it had pretty clearly not come true? I get it if this is a San Palomino thing, and there really has been a major change/downfall, but the last couple of lines seem to preclude that pretty definitively.
That's my big issue here. The rest of it is really well executed for the most part. I think this could be turned into a strong scene by making the prophecy stuff and other details of the world clearer, but the actual storytelling aspects of it are pretty good.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: I was with this right up to the final section. The big swerve doesn't make sense to me unless we have some kind of San Palomino situation going on; otherwise, why would Twilight get salty about a prophecy that was kept secret until it got to the point where it had pretty clearly not come true? I get it if this is a San Palomino thing, and there really has been a major change/downfall, but the last couple of lines seem to preclude that pretty definitively.
That's my big issue here. The rest of it is really well executed for the most part. I think this could be turned into a strong scene by making the prophecy stuff and other details of the world clearer, but the actual storytelling aspects of it are pretty good.
Tier: Needs Work
Having just reread The One Who Got Away, I’ll happily look at this as my plus one for this round. Let’s see why Ripple likes this series so much…
I have to appreciate the effort that went into making an illustrated children’s book in a purely textual medium, and the story itself is quite cute. My only complaint is that I’m not sure how it fits the prompt beyond the surreality of a duck performing a Thu’um, but it’s still a delightful read.
I have to appreciate the effort that went into making an illustrated children’s book in a purely textual medium, and the story itself is quite cute. My only complaint is that I’m not sure how it fits the prompt beyond the surreality of a duck performing a Thu’um, but it’s still a delightful read.
Names and titles lift a storyabove the original story, or drawn it under the surface before the story is told.
where are the "Ponies"?
where are the "Ponies"?
>>CoffeeMinion
So this story also showed up on my slate, and I think you're misinterpreting it.
The idea being presented is that the old Equestria has been ruined, but replaced by a better Equestria, as presented in the final lines.
Prophecies are tricsky things. ;)
So this story also showed up on my slate, and I think you're misinterpreting it.
The idea being presented is that the old Equestria has been ruined, but replaced by a better Equestria, as presented in the final lines.
Twilight turned around and looked at Luna. "You may be right. The old Equestria is gone, but this," she pointed with her hoof at the window and said, "is better."
Luna smiled. "Twilight, we never doubted it would be."
Prophecies are tricsky things. ;)
Well, this has been an unexpected punch in the kidneys. Thank you for it.
There's not much to say here, except that I liked this quite a lot.
There's not much to say here, except that I liked this quite a lot.
This was a good bit of fun, I'd have to admit. Just a fun little introduction to Sterling Rod and who he is.
>>Syeekoh
I dunno, I see where you're coming from, but that seems to give it a kind of political/religious edge that I have trouble buying in Equestria. Maybe I could buy it in Equestrian prehistory, but that has some difficulties, too; I wouldn't expect prophecy from that era to speak highly of the EUP unification in the Luna/Celestia era if if was going to turn around and dump on pony/griffon/etc. unification in a post-Luna/Celestia era. Of course there could be more subtlety to the values of Equestrian prehistory that would leave wiggle room for that, but the story doesn't give us enough background to confirm it. But either way, why is Twilight so upset? And what was the basis for her disagreements with Luna/Celestia? I just don't see enough foundation for that in the story.
I dunno, I see where you're coming from, but that seems to give it a kind of political/religious edge that I have trouble buying in Equestria. Maybe I could buy it in Equestrian prehistory, but that has some difficulties, too; I wouldn't expect prophecy from that era to speak highly of the EUP unification in the Luna/Celestia era if if was going to turn around and dump on pony/griffon/etc. unification in a post-Luna/Celestia era. Of course there could be more subtlety to the values of Equestrian prehistory that would leave wiggle room for that, but the story doesn't give us enough background to confirm it. But either way, why is Twilight so upset? And what was the basis for her disagreements with Luna/Celestia? I just don't see enough foundation for that in the story.
I have to apologise too, but I’m not sure I get the point of the story. This is very err… atmospheric? :) But I don’t understand the end, so… well… I’m just recusing myself from this case for obvious ineptness.
Sorry.
Sorry.
>>CoffeeMinion
My impression about the prophecy is that it's incredibly vague, meaning that the end of equestria doesn't have to necessarily be a bad thing.
And my thoughts on why Twilight was mad was that Luna and Celestia thought that the prophecy meant that Equestria ending would be a bad thing, so they prepared Twilight for the worst. So she decided to go against that and turn Equestria into a better place―unwittingly fulfilling the prophecy by ending 'Equestria' as a pony-centered society and turning it into a far more integrated one.
My impression about the prophecy is that it's incredibly vague, meaning that the end of equestria doesn't have to necessarily be a bad thing.
And my thoughts on why Twilight was mad was that Luna and Celestia thought that the prophecy meant that Equestria ending would be a bad thing, so they prepared Twilight for the worst. So she decided to go against that and turn Equestria into a better place―unwittingly fulfilling the prophecy by ending 'Equestria' as a pony-centered society and turning it into a far more integrated one.
These Names comes off as half hearted and not quite to the point.
Yet, I enjoy the more exact knowing of Pony mentality.
Some nice knowing of how to acuse one to hide the true perpetrator too.
Yet, I enjoy the more exact knowing of Pony mentality.
Some nice knowing of how to acuse one to hide the true perpetrator too.
>>Cassius
Posting this link is a public service. There's enough interesting stuff there that I'd like to know WTFIGO with the zalgo text. It seems meant to be a multilayered puzzle fic like others in recent memory, but... yeah, I'm with >>RogerDodger, the cleverness of all that ultimately just gets in the way of being able to read it.
I think I'd actually like to read it, though, so make of that what you will...
Posting this link is a public service. There's enough interesting stuff there that I'd like to know WTFIGO with the zalgo text. It seems meant to be a multilayered puzzle fic like others in recent memory, but... yeah, I'm with >>RogerDodger, the cleverness of all that ultimately just gets in the way of being able to read it.
I think I'd actually like to read it, though, so make of that what you will...
Point 1, it is Cutie Map.
Applejack sounds too far removed from the farm in her speach here.
Property taxes? in Ponyville?
Theocratic Monarchy ^^
oh, and well played..
Applejack sounds too far removed from the farm in her speach here.
Property taxes? in Ponyville?
Theocratic Monarchy ^^
oh, and well played..
This is a pretty story, but I want to read it again before reviewing it further. I don’t want to leave the author without any comments, so thumbs up, and I will try to turn in more commentary later!
The first entry I read and it's already a good one.
I was afraid when I read 'Twilight’s Protagonist Syndrome' but there isn't any major 4th wall break and you kept it just the way I like it, subtle and believable.
However, there is one thing I don't understand. Daring Do says "Is this the friend you said you had to get?", and I was thinking she was asking Moon Dancer, who had left her to find Lyra, but then we have Lyra who replies "Yes she is!". I'm confused. So if anyone know the answer, please share it.
Moreover, I disagree with >>FanOfMostEverything, I don't find the ending satisfying. It's not bad, don't get me wrong, it's just that it feels unresolved, like it lacks something.
A good one nonetheless.
I was afraid when I read 'Twilight’s Protagonist Syndrome' but there isn't any major 4th wall break and you kept it just the way I like it, subtle and believable.
However, there is one thing I don't understand. Daring Do says "Is this the friend you said you had to get?", and I was thinking she was asking Moon Dancer, who had left her to find Lyra, but then we have Lyra who replies "Yes she is!". I'm confused. So if anyone know the answer, please share it.
Moreover, I disagree with >>FanOfMostEverything, I don't find the ending satisfying. It's not bad, don't get me wrong, it's just that it feels unresolved, like it lacks something.
A good one nonetheless.
The elder stallion
the Elder stallion, isn't it? is he Brother Inkwell?
An acolyte is suggesting a religious order of some kind.
the Elder stallion, isn't it? is he Brother Inkwell?
An acolyte is suggesting a religious order of some kind.
I agree with FoME. This idea could do well played as a comedy, but the execution is lacking. I would be happier to see the BookWarrior, Princess Sparkle, Conqueror of Tirek, taking a more active role in the defense of her home and castle than just running around in a panic. Mysterious all-seeing spirits should be the kind of problem that is right up her intellectual alley, and a successful comedy should play to that.
A funny story here.
I believed you would mislead the reader more but you didn't and I think that helped not get the reader lost.
For a story this short, the mention of the Wonderbolt promotion exams was a bit obvious that it would play an important part in the story. And the fact that you didn't try to mislead the reader made the ending a bit unsurprising. I didn't guess it entirely though, I was just thinking that the Castle of Friendship had a Room of Requirement like in Harry Potter.
I believed you would mislead the reader more but you didn't and I think that helped not get the reader lost.
For a story this short, the mention of the Wonderbolt promotion exams was a bit obvious that it would play an important part in the story. And the fact that you didn't try to mislead the reader made the ending a bit unsurprising. I didn't guess it entirely though, I was just thinking that the Castle of Friendship had a Room of Requirement like in Harry Potter.
I think the humorous approach is the right way to play this idea. While it’s not a top tier concept, and it needs some tightening up here and there, I enjoyed it. Good job, Author.
“And that’s how Equestria was unmade!”
To entirely fit the prompt, this should have a narrative summation or an Ironic Twist of some kind, but it’s amusing as it stands. Upper middle tier on my slate.
To entirely fit the prompt, this should have a narrative summation or an Ironic Twist of some kind, but it’s amusing as it stands. Upper middle tier on my slate.
>>FanOfMostEverything Yeah, somebody's following me. I might just steal this. ô is Best Unicorn. :)
A slice of life gaming story. Not medal material, but pleasant to read. Decent job, Author.
Nice, solid writing and enjoyable story here.
The only part that felt off was when the story made the sudden leap from an Everyone to a Teen rating at the very end there.
The only part that felt off was when the story made the sudden leap from an Everyone to a Teen rating at the very end there.
A salute to our brave Apollo astronauts! And it avoids making a mockery of their efforts. Just a brush with the uncanny. Not necessarily a top contender, but an honest effort that gets a thumbs up.
This feels like Twilight Sparkle meets the Cthulhu Mythos. It's written in a style that heavily reminds me of Lovecraft, where normalcy is established, then broken.
It feels like it needs to be longer to accomplish proper normalcy, though, and also to give more time to creeping dread. That's something I think you would have no problems accomplishing with a larger word limit.
It feels like it needs to be longer to accomplish proper normalcy, though, and also to give more time to creeping dread. That's something I think you would have no problems accomplishing with a larger word limit.
While this story does a fairly good job portraying the emotions of the situation, I wasn't quite able to get fully invested because I spent my time reading wondering "wait, what happened?" It's never fully explained why the event in the story happened, and not knowing the why, how, or who of the situation means I spent my time reading trying to figure those out instead of empathizing with Twilight's emotions. I think the word limitation kinda hampered you here.
That said, I don't think this is a bad story at all. It would just be a bit better if the event was given context imho
That said, I don't think this is a bad story at all. It would just be a bit better if the event was given context imho
It's like watching static. 90% of the time, it's a jumbled mess. But that 5%, you may spot something.
Twilight Imperium, nice one you chose there.
A relaxing Slice of Life about friends just having fun.
I smiled a lot through this one, but I fear that anybody not familiar with the game will be left scratching their head. It also doesn't really go anywhere, which is a bit of a waste considering the setup.
This is a bit of nitpicking on my part, but I got the impression that there were too many darlings. Re-reading it I counted only two of them, but considering the word-count you may want to remove one of them.
As a tangent observation, eight hours for the first game seems overly optimistic. And Turtles are OP.
A relaxing Slice of Life about friends just having fun.
I smiled a lot through this one, but I fear that anybody not familiar with the game will be left scratching their head. It also doesn't really go anywhere, which is a bit of a waste considering the setup.
This is a bit of nitpicking on my part, but I got the impression that there were too many darlings. Re-reading it I counted only two of them, but considering the word-count you may want to remove one of them.
As a tangent observation, eight hours for the first game seems overly optimistic. And Turtles are OP.
Isn't Dialogue separate paragraphs?
—Fluttershy— just feels lazy, and without any breakers, even more so.
Punctuation, learn the art in order to get the message through.
—Fluttershy— just feels lazy, and without any breakers, even more so.
Punctuation, learn the art in order to get the message through.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I assumed that that was a mistaken break in the dialogue and that it was Luna discounting the effect of the stars.
For the rest of it, I believe we're in the time-honored genre of 'the twist is that the fic is actually set a thousand years ago'. Er, not to denigrate that per se. There's nothing wrong with trying your hand at an idea that's been done before. Writing is all in the execution.
I assumed that that was a mistaken break in the dialogue and that it was Luna discounting the effect of the stars.
For the rest of it, I believe we're in the time-honored genre of 'the twist is that the fic is actually set a thousand years ago'. Er, not to denigrate that per se. There's nothing wrong with trying your hand at an idea that's been done before. Writing is all in the execution.
Given the prompt, this SCP(SPC??) format works very well. I also liked the cute touches of word choice edits and strike throughs to hammer home the author of the report. Well done.
This was sweet and cute. Night Light as supporting parent was spot on, and Spike was adorable.
I really don't have much I can say here, just that I liked it.
I really don't have much I can say here, just that I liked it.
This is very pretty. Good job getting right to the meat of the story, excellent description.
I think Celestia's speech at the end needs a little work. I can't help but have a little Filly-Twi voice in my head going "but if Celestia's gone like in the nightmare the sun won't rise to greet her and won't chase the nightmares away and and and..." I see the sentiment and the sense that she's going for, it just came out a little awkward and a little vulnerable to a pedantic filly's objections.
Celestia being wise or supportive is hard to write. You have to get yourself around to being as sure of what she's trying to say as she is. With a little more time and pondering, I think that bit will clean up fine and it will be a nice little short.
I think Celestia's speech at the end needs a little work. I can't help but have a little Filly-Twi voice in my head going "but if Celestia's gone like in the nightmare the sun won't rise to greet her and won't chase the nightmares away and and and..." I see the sentiment and the sense that she's going for, it just came out a little awkward and a little vulnerable to a pedantic filly's objections.
Celestia being wise or supportive is hard to write. You have to get yourself around to being as sure of what she's trying to say as she is. With a little more time and pondering, I think that bit will clean up fine and it will be a nice little short.
Heartwarming feel-good story here. It is also well written enough that it was able to overcome my mush-ometer.
If there is any criticism to be had it's that nothing really stood out to me. The story had its cute moments, but I was never driven to "Dawwwww" and I think, though I could be wrong, that that was what you were aiming for.
If there is any criticism to be had it's that nothing really stood out to me. The story had its cute moments, but I was never driven to "Dawwwww" and I think, though I could be wrong, that that was what you were aiming for.
Ok, first review of my slate! Let's do this.
The Meaning of Being Dead
It is immediately apparent that this story is set in the future. Oh, and Twilight is apparently without a body now. The natural and obvious question here is "What happened?" This was handled well enough, hinted at once in the text before being stated outright via the plaque on the statue.
As for her friends, Rainbow has grown old, but she's apparently not the only one left ("Friends" is plural).
It's kind of tough seeing everything that defines Rainbow Dash being taken from her bit by bit, but like she said, she can still teach. Besides, any complaints she could potentially raise wouldn't really hold that much water when compared against Twilight's situation.
From here we make the smooth transition from the history to the message. I'll have to admit, it's definitely a message I can get behind, even a message I've come to believe myself during a dark time in my life. It was one of the few things that kept me going. We can't chose what happens to us, but we can choose how to respond. Would I have chosen to be bullied? Of course not. But I did gain a strong sense of empathy from my experiences that I'm positive I wouldn't have developed otherwise. I'd probably be opinionated and oblivious to the situations of others without my past, however painful.
But now I'm just being sentimental.
I'm penciling this one in solidly in the top half.
The Meaning of Being Dead
It is immediately apparent that this story is set in the future. Oh, and Twilight is apparently without a body now. The natural and obvious question here is "What happened?" This was handled well enough, hinted at once in the text before being stated outright via the plaque on the statue.
As for her friends, Rainbow has grown old, but she's apparently not the only one left ("Friends" is plural).
And, well, friends visit me here regularly...
It's kind of tough seeing everything that defines Rainbow Dash being taken from her bit by bit, but like she said, she can still teach. Besides, any complaints she could potentially raise wouldn't really hold that much water when compared against Twilight's situation.
From here we make the smooth transition from the history to the message. I'll have to admit, it's definitely a message I can get behind, even a message I've come to believe myself during a dark time in my life. It was one of the few things that kept me going. We can't chose what happens to us, but we can choose how to respond. Would I have chosen to be bullied? Of course not. But I did gain a strong sense of empathy from my experiences that I'm positive I wouldn't have developed otherwise. I'd probably be opinionated and oblivious to the situations of others without my past, however painful.
But now I'm just being sentimental.
I'm penciling this one in solidly in the top half.
I won't add much more than the others, it was a nice Slice of Life story, very enjoyable and I smiled a few times with Twilight nerdiness.
There's still a few points which need to be mention:
First, there are some of the characters that are a bit cliché, especially Fluttershy and Rarity. The mention of trees by Fluttershy is a heavy wink and made me rolled my eyes (same level of annoyance than the 'Scootaloo's a chicken' joke and very subjective). For Rarity, I was seeing her like she was portrayed in the 4th Equestria Girls movie, especially with the line “But I had the most beautiful systems!”. I would have write her with the desire to have an elegant strategy, not beautiful systems. However, it's obviously hard to make six characters interact with each other without simplifying their peronnality and you did pretty good with the others. That's why it is NOT a major flaw, just a little thing.
The second point, and the last, is that I don't really see how this story is connected to the Twilight Zone. If anyone see how it is, I would like to know.
There's still a few points which need to be mention:
First, there are some of the characters that are a bit cliché, especially Fluttershy and Rarity. The mention of trees by Fluttershy is a heavy wink and made me rolled my eyes (same level of annoyance than the 'Scootaloo's a chicken' joke and very subjective). For Rarity, I was seeing her like she was portrayed in the 4th Equestria Girls movie, especially with the line “But I had the most beautiful systems!”. I would have write her with the desire to have an elegant strategy, not beautiful systems. However, it's obviously hard to make six characters interact with each other without simplifying their peronnality and you did pretty good with the others. That's why it is NOT a major flaw, just a little thing.
The second point, and the last, is that I don't really see how this story is connected to the Twilight Zone. If anyone see how it is, I would like to know.
Well, I get the reference on this one, at least! It's a decent concept, pretty well written. I think my only complaint is it feels like there's a bit of a plot hole with Sunset's role here. So Twilight became a princess and then was sent to be tested? But Sunset was tested first and then chose not to become a princess? That seemed odd. Otherwise, though, it works very well for what it is.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I like your diagnosis in the first sentence, and I think I agree, though I hope this isn't going to cause a critical mass of comments busily agreeing with each other and not providing other feedback.
Lovecraftian horror is longwinded because it operates on the feeling of growing dread and anticipation. It has to slide gently into madness, like a tree being drowned by the rising waters behind a dam. Twilight needs to end this not as far along in her descent, or she needs to be more evidently farther along at the beginning. The conversation with Spike would be a good opportunity to have her act uncharacteristically to show that.
I like your diagnosis in the first sentence, and I think I agree, though I hope this isn't going to cause a critical mass of comments busily agreeing with each other and not providing other feedback.
Lovecraftian horror is longwinded because it operates on the feeling of growing dread and anticipation. It has to slide gently into madness, like a tree being drowned by the rising waters behind a dam. Twilight needs to end this not as far along in her descent, or she needs to be more evidently farther along at the beginning. The conversation with Spike would be a good opportunity to have her act uncharacteristically to show that.
Ah, three stories in and I find a Twilight Zone episode! I wonder how many there will be? (I didn't watch the show a ton, so I will probably miss noticing some.) This suffers a bit from the length constraints, I think, but it's otherwise a perfectly good ponyfication of the episode in question.
This was a fun, odd little dialogue. Outside of that though, it isn't very clearly explained. I think a story expanding further on this idea would be interesting, like an alternate universe where the sirens were actually active predators instead of secretive. I also think it would be nice to know exactly how she pulled off taking over a city, and why, and all that. Given the word limit though, you couldn't exactly have expanded on all that. For what it is, it's an enjoyable little read.
I like the concept. Voices for Celestia and Sunset need a little bit of work, I think. I also think some of the intro where Spike makes sure Twilight is asleep could have been cut in favor of a few words on the timeline issues ("I normally set this test to ponies before they get their wings, but...<whatever explanation you want>") and maybe a few more in the explanation generally.
It would be fun to see this expanded into a story where Twilight has a 'Truman Show' moment with this test instead of just running through the EqG plot.
It would be fun to see this expanded into a story where Twilight has a 'Truman Show' moment with this test instead of just running through the EqG plot.
Well, it made me laugh! This kind of meta-humor is not my thing (and I'm not sure how it relates to the prompt) but it was definitely amusing.
I really don't know how to rank this story.
All that was supposed to be cute and heart warming just felt cheesy for me but at the same time, the pace is great, the writing is good and the characters are well-written.
I think I'll come back later to see if there's something that change in my read. Until now, I'll have to pass.
All that was supposed to be cute and heart warming just felt cheesy for me but at the same time, the pace is great, the writing is good and the characters are well-written.
I think I'll come back later to see if there's something that change in my read. Until now, I'll have to pass.
OK, what's with this round and stories that make me feel things?
This was wonderful SF, and the writing sold me the emotional struggle here.
I also think the length was almost perfect. I really don't need to know the exact reason for the probe to be out there to feel for it.
This was wonderful SF, and the writing sold me the emotional struggle here.
I also think the length was almost perfect. I really don't need to know the exact reason for the probe to be out there to feel for it.
Well, that was unexpectedly tragic. It felt kind of jerky and awkward,and extremely tell-y verses showing things. I know the word constraints are part of that, but I think something could probably be done to make it a little less abrupt.
>be me
>be reading this fic
>igotthatrefference.avi
>kek
>find bleach
>make martini
>the pain will end soon
>be reading this fic
>igotthatrefference.avi
>kek
>find bleach
>make martini
>the pain will end soon
A very good premice nicely executed that could lead to an amazing multi chapter story.
However, I'll second what >>SPark said. The whole thing with Sunset creates a lot of plot holes that I couldn't quickly fill by myself. Maybe when you'll rework on it for FIMFic (I would be curious to see it).
However, I'll second what >>SPark said. The whole thing with Sunset creates a lot of plot holes that I couldn't quickly fill by myself. Maybe when you'll rework on it for FIMFic (I would be curious to see it).
I'm going to challenge myself and try to not mention "this would have been better if it had been expanded" even once when giving feedback.
With that out of the way, there are aspects of this story I really like. The first scene where Twilight does the metaphysical equivalent of reading all the AU fics on FiMFiction was really engaging and imaginative, though it starts feel a bit off the longer it goes, and with such a build-up I was expecting a resolution that carried more impact than the one we got.
What I get from that ending is that at the end friendship is what counts and what is the most important, or something along those lines. It's a good resolution (or that Twilight searched through all of the infinite possibilities of the multiverse to find the best one to live in), but I wish there had been a better build-up. The way the story stands right now, it's an imaginative, if overwrought, take on the infinite possibilites of life that lead into an unsatisfying conclusion.
What's good is good, but not enough for me to give this story a high rank.
With that out of the way, there are aspects of this story I really like. The first scene where Twilight does the metaphysical equivalent of reading all the AU fics on FiMFiction was really engaging and imaginative, though it starts feel a bit off the longer it goes, and with such a build-up I was expecting a resolution that carried more impact than the one we got.
What I get from that ending is that at the end friendship is what counts and what is the most important, or something along those lines. It's a good resolution (or that Twilight searched through all of the infinite possibilities of the multiverse to find the best one to live in), but I wish there had been a better build-up. The way the story stands right now, it's an imaginative, if overwrought, take on the infinite possibilites of life that lead into an unsatisfying conclusion.
What's good is good, but not enough for me to give this story a high rank.
I like this one! Nothing happens, but sometimes nothing needs to happen.
Just one thing:
The phrase is "it begs the question". If "beggars" was deliberate and not a mistake, I don't understand why.
Just one thing:
Well, it beggars the question, surely.
The phrase is "it begs the question". If "beggars" was deliberate and not a mistake, I don't understand why.
There's an interesting story in here, but I'm afraid that I can't quite get at it. As far as I can understand, Celestia and Luna are at war again, and Twilight has sided with Celestia. She's tricked Daring Do into finding some artifact so she can give it to Celestia, but it turns out that Daring was allied with Luna the whole time. Yeah?
One of my biggest problems is the way the dialogue is formatted. I'm never a fan of stories that separate dialogue and action into separate paragraphs. It just makes the story harder to read for me, because I keep having to mentally connect the dialogue with whoever was the last pony to do an action.
That being said, Twilight and Daring's dialogue is fun, very breezy. I just wish this was a bit less obtuse.
One of my biggest problems is the way the dialogue is formatted. I'm never a fan of stories that separate dialogue and action into separate paragraphs. It just makes the story harder to read for me, because I keep having to mentally connect the dialogue with whoever was the last pony to do an action.
That being said, Twilight and Daring's dialogue is fun, very breezy. I just wish this was a bit less obtuse.
If I had to rate this story, it would definitely go in the top tier list in term of comedy. The pace, the dialog, all were very neat and hilarious. The pace especially went faster and faster to lead to the final conclusion. I was already laughing at the revelation of Celestion ticklish spot and it just got better and better.
However, and because you always have to have a 'however', that last line destroyed everything for me. I expected huge consequences but not 'end of everything' huge, like everyone in Equestria feeling the ticklish for two hours, causing a massive on hour long laughter, or anything else, but not this.
So I don't know what to do with this story because if I don't count the last line, it is f***ing comedy gold but that last line is there and I can't forget it, I just can't.
However, and because you always have to have a 'however', that last line destroyed everything for me. I expected huge consequences but not 'end of everything' huge, like everyone in Equestria feeling the ticklish for two hours, causing a massive on hour long laughter, or anything else, but not this.
So I don't know what to do with this story because if I don't count the last line, it is f***ing comedy gold but that last line is there and I can't forget it, I just can't.
Oops! I question slightly how the guards knew this secret, but only slightly. Given that premise, the rest of the story works perfectly.
I don't think you need the note at the beginning, personally. All the information you need to figure it out is in the story.
To me, this feels like the intro to a story about Discord figuring out how to fix his world, which is a pretty dang neat concept.
To me, this feels like the intro to a story about Discord figuring out how to fix his world, which is a pretty dang neat concept.
I question everything about this setting, but the story itself is quite well told, so bravo for that.
This is an excellent take on the Princess Reversal idea. It does have the very-common-in-minifics problem of being the intro to something bigger, but I really want to read that bigger story.
Good technical execution as well, by the by. Well-voiced, good description.
Good technical execution as well, by the by. Well-voiced, good description.
Fallen From Grace
Twilight and Daring Do make their way to the exit of a temple, unnamed artifact in tow. Twilight reveals she's in league with Cabelleron (Plot Twist!) only for the Night Guard to show up to help Daring Do (Double Plot Twist!) Twilight surrenders the artifact, promising revenge at a later date.
I must first note that the dialogue is difficult to pin to each character until conducting a very careful re-read. I came in expecting that they were supposed to be read by alternating characters, but many of the lines could go either way. Then, there's times when every other line clearly isn't supposed to be spoken by the same character.
Besides that, there's the occasional misused word.
(Perhaps you were going for "friends"? Or maybe "keep"?)
Secondly, there's nothing wrong with using alternate versions of characters, but make sure your readers know what's going on. For instance, why are Celestia and Luna at odds again? Why has Twilight, one of A. K. Yearling's most avid readers, sided with Cabelleron? Why are the Night Guard not only siding with Daring Do, but waiting to spring the trap?
As for that last question, I did find this to go off of:
But that only raises more questions. Cabelleron, Twilight's "friend" wouldn't tell that kind of information to Daring Do, and I have my reservations about pinning the blame on one of his henchponies. Speaking of friends, where are Twilight's actual friends?
Just wanted to highlight this as a particularly humorous line.
In conclusion, I feel there's a story to be had here, it just needs to be fleshed out a bit more clearly and given a more specific direction.
Twilight and Daring Do make their way to the exit of a temple, unnamed artifact in tow. Twilight reveals she's in league with Cabelleron (Plot Twist!) only for the Night Guard to show up to help Daring Do (Double Plot Twist!) Twilight surrenders the artifact, promising revenge at a later date.
I must first note that the dialogue is difficult to pin to each character until conducting a very careful re-read. I came in expecting that they were supposed to be read by alternating characters, but many of the lines could go either way. Then, there's times when every other line clearly isn't supposed to be spoken by the same character.
“Twilight, are you all right?”
A quartet of stallions, a pegasus and three earth ponies stood ready at the far side of the clearing and, even as Dr. Cabelleron gave her a knowing smile, Daring narrowed her eyes at the sight.
“It looks like your friends have arrived...”
Twilight let a little smirk enter her smile, even as she began to head to the others.
“Sorry, Daring. We'll be taking the artifact with us now.”
Besides that, there's the occasional misused word.
“Yeah, though I don't know why you stay ponies like that.
(Perhaps you were going for "friends"? Or maybe "keep"?)
Secondly, there's nothing wrong with using alternate versions of characters, but make sure your readers know what's going on. For instance, why are Celestia and Luna at odds again? Why has Twilight, one of A. K. Yearling's most avid readers, sided with Cabelleron? Why are the Night Guard not only siding with Daring Do, but waiting to spring the trap?
As for that last question, I did find this to go off of:
“Are you saying that's how you got here? Somepony blabbed?”
Daring affected a smug smile.
“No comment.”
But that only raises more questions. Cabelleron, Twilight's "friend" wouldn't tell that kind of information to Daring Do, and I have my reservations about pinning the blame on one of his henchponies. Speaking of friends, where are Twilight's actual friends?
“I've come to see the value in the magic of friendship myself. Or at least, convenient alliances.”
Just wanted to highlight this as a particularly humorous line.
In conclusion, I feel there's a story to be had here, it just needs to be fleshed out a bit more clearly and given a more specific direction.
I have no idea what this might be referencing. If it's referencing anything. It's weird, but an interesting sort of weird.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
You just had to open your mouth, didn't you?
Alright...
First off, let me sum my voice to the ones before me who called for a better tonal consistency. The intro seems to be setting a satirical comedy with Twilight being haunted by the voice of Rod Sterling, and I'm not going to lie, I'd love to read that story. However, the latter portion seems to be going for a more straightforward suspense/horror scenario akin to an actual episode of the Twilight Zone. Whichever your aim was, author, I suggest you define what exactly that was and fully embrace it.
Onto more specific criticism, I feel the first three paragraphs are a bit superfluous. Just one concise and descriptive sentence to establish the setting should be enough. Hell, you could probably even start with Rod's intro right of the bat and describe Twilight's shock afterwards. That way the sense of unease and the knowledge something is off comes more clearly to the reader.
It's just a suggestion, but take it as a sign that this story is brimming with potential.
You just had to open your mouth, didn't you?
Alright...
First off, let me sum my voice to the ones before me who called for a better tonal consistency. The intro seems to be setting a satirical comedy with Twilight being haunted by the voice of Rod Sterling, and I'm not going to lie, I'd love to read that story. However, the latter portion seems to be going for a more straightforward suspense/horror scenario akin to an actual episode of the Twilight Zone. Whichever your aim was, author, I suggest you define what exactly that was and fully embrace it.
Onto more specific criticism, I feel the first three paragraphs are a bit superfluous. Just one concise and descriptive sentence to establish the setting should be enough. Hell, you could probably even start with Rod's intro right of the bat and describe Twilight's shock afterwards. That way the sense of unease and the knowledge something is off comes more clearly to the reader.
It's just a suggestion, but take it as a sign that this story is brimming with potential.
This could use some technical polish, there's some awkward phrasing and other minor mistakes, but I feel like it's basically a Twilight Zone episode from inside the show's universe, and that's kind of awesome. So nicely done on the concept!
Hey, this one is a whole story! It poses a question and provides an answer. The language needs a little polishing in places, but it got its point across. The one thing that's dangling is why that question creates such chaos in the multiverse. Polish up the word choice, throw in a few words about the power of that question, and you'll have something excellent.
Hmmm. I see where this is coming from, it's very much an attempt at a Twilight Zone episode feel. The rather literal hat-tip to the ambulance driver scene at the end of the Thing on the Wing episode (I think that's what you were going for there) was a nice reference. But the "ponies are literally small" thing as the nightmare twist feels a little underwhelming. In an actual Twilight Zone episode I feel like Sunset would have gotten stepped on by Celestia or something like that, you know?
I believe you've got something like 150 words left, and I think it would have been well spent on Celestia's exhaustion and/or lingering on the moment of decision. I like the concept, though, the use of language is good, and the Rod Serling narration is well done.
I love the premise, the idea that, over the course of her travels, Twilight impacted civilizations or timelines with her shenanigans.
But... the word limit was your enemy here. This is a good beginning to something much larger. I hope you turn this into a full length fic after the current event is over.
But... the word limit was your enemy here. This is a good beginning to something much larger. I hope you turn this into a full length fic after the current event is over.
I don't really understand what you were going for here.
First part, Twilight wants Spike to read her a book. Okay but there's a line I don't get; "Spike gave his employer a raised eyebrow."
When did Twilight become Spike's employer? Or maybe this is AU, okay let's move on.
Second part is the story. A little filly is rejected by everyone. Then, after she made a wish to a shooting star, everything and everyone around her go wrong, leading to a massacre. Okay. I still don't know what this story was supposed to convey but okay.
And third part, Spike express his disgust towards the story that Twilight had made him read and she just... smiles?
The story doesn't seem related to what Twilight and Spike say in the first part, like a moral or something they could get from it, and Twilight smiles after Spike had read her that pointless gore story?
If there's something to get from all this, I didn't get it. I'm still curious to know it though, so if anyone has an idea, please tell me because I'm confused.
First part, Twilight wants Spike to read her a book. Okay but there's a line I don't get; "Spike gave his employer a raised eyebrow."
When did Twilight become Spike's employer? Or maybe this is AU, okay let's move on.
Second part is the story. A little filly is rejected by everyone. Then, after she made a wish to a shooting star, everything and everyone around her go wrong, leading to a massacre. Okay. I still don't know what this story was supposed to convey but okay.
And third part, Spike express his disgust towards the story that Twilight had made him read and she just... smiles?
The story doesn't seem related to what Twilight and Spike say in the first part, like a moral or something they could get from it, and Twilight smiles after Spike had read her that pointless gore story?
If there's something to get from all this, I didn't get it. I'm still curious to know it though, so if anyone has an idea, please tell me because I'm confused.
This is another one where I quite like the concept, but the execution needs a lot of work. Something is odd with the formatting, but also the story itself has a lot of awkward, blunt, telling where showing would probably work better. It is a very solid idea, though, so I think it could be polished up and improved quite a lot!