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Transcript of Interview - 0101730A
“Can I see Twilight?”
“I’m afraid that can’t happen for the time being, Spike.”
“But is she okay?”
“Of course she will be okay, sweetie. We just want you to answer some questions before you go see her.”
“That’s… alright, I guess.”
“You’re her assistant, right?”
“That’s right! I’ve been Twilight’s number one assistant my entire life.”
“Can you tell me what happened yesterday?”
“I didn’t really understand what Twilight was doing, once she starts talking about the last branch of obscure magic she discovered, she won’t stop. You should ask her.”
“We’ll talk with Miss Sparkle soon, we just wanted to have… another perspective.”
“I guess that makes sense… What do you want to know?”
“Why don’t you start at the beginning?”
“You mean yesterday morning?”
“Sure, let’s start there.”
“Alright… Twilight was doing some research on old legends, I didn’t catch what exactly, but she went out to read in the palace gardens and didn’t come back until the afternoon.”
“So you don’t know where she was or what she did all morning?”
“She had a book with her, I doubt she did anything other than read.”
“When did you see her again?”
“She came back bursting through the door later that day and asked for a book about predictions and prophecies.”
“Prophecies? I see… Please, go on.”
“She found a passage about that old story about the Mare in the Moon and then kept on talking about how this was super important. I… I told her it was just an old ponies’ tale and… and that she shouldn’t take it so seriously…”
“Spike?”
“Are you sure I can’t see her? I can come back afterwards and we can continue this, I promise I’ll be fast.”
“I…”
“Please?”
“I’m sorry, Spike. I understand how you feel, but I really need to finish this.”
“… ”
“Hey, as soon as we’re done, I’ll make sure somepony escorts you, okay?”
“...mkay.”
“There we go. What happened after she found the book?”
“She was going to tell Princess Celestia, but I told her that all she knew came from an old book and… I think that made her think twice.”
“How so?”
“She… said I was right and then something about coming up with a plan of her own she could show Celestia. Then, she ran into her room yelling about saving Equestria.”
“And you wouldn’t know anything about that plan, would you?”
“Sorry… I tend to leave Twilight alone when she goes into full research mode, and only help when… when she calls for me.”
“I suppose she didn’t.”
“No… Not all evening. I got a letter from Princess Celestia after that, but… when I, when I w-went inside her room, I… I—”
“It’s okay, Spike. It’s okay.”
“I didn’t know, alright! How could I have known she’d do something like that?”
“It’s not your fault.”
“It is! I’m supposed to b-be her assistant, I shouldn’t have left her alone. Then she wouldn’t have tried to—”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I’m… I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay to feel sad, Spike, but the Princess called the best magic healers of Equestria to help her, she’s going to be alright.”
“But… the magic explosion, that… that was dark magic, I could feel it.”
“…”
“I don’t understand why she took an old legend so seriously, it was just a legend…”
“Hey, big guy. You’ve told us more than enough. Thanks for putting up with us, I’ll have somepony take you to see Twilight now. Captain Armor is already at the hospital.”
“Thanks…”
“Guess that fills some gaps…”
“I still can’t make head or tails of this.”
“Leave that for the higher-ups, we were just told to interrogate all witnesses.”
“What witnesses? That little dragon was the only one who was near the magic blast.”
“We were called in advance for the day after the Summer Sun Celebration, but with that cancelled, guess they just have us do police work.”
“Seems odd that the Princess would call off the holiday just because her student had an accident. I mean, I know she cares a lot about that mare, but still…”
“Who knows how the Princess thinks. I still don’t know what she was thinking adding all those new spots on the moon.”
“It was probably something for the Celebration, but who knows what she meant by that.”
“Hey, our shift’s almost over. Let’s drop the report and go grab a bite. I don’t think the sun’s coming up any time soon.”
“Sure, why not.”
“I’m afraid that can’t happen for the time being, Spike.”
“But is she okay?”
“Of course she will be okay, sweetie. We just want you to answer some questions before you go see her.”
“That’s… alright, I guess.”
“You’re her assistant, right?”
“That’s right! I’ve been Twilight’s number one assistant my entire life.”
“Can you tell me what happened yesterday?”
“I didn’t really understand what Twilight was doing, once she starts talking about the last branch of obscure magic she discovered, she won’t stop. You should ask her.”
“We’ll talk with Miss Sparkle soon, we just wanted to have… another perspective.”
“I guess that makes sense… What do you want to know?”
“Why don’t you start at the beginning?”
“You mean yesterday morning?”
“Sure, let’s start there.”
“Alright… Twilight was doing some research on old legends, I didn’t catch what exactly, but she went out to read in the palace gardens and didn’t come back until the afternoon.”
“So you don’t know where she was or what she did all morning?”
“She had a book with her, I doubt she did anything other than read.”
“When did you see her again?”
“She came back bursting through the door later that day and asked for a book about predictions and prophecies.”
“Prophecies? I see… Please, go on.”
“She found a passage about that old story about the Mare in the Moon and then kept on talking about how this was super important. I… I told her it was just an old ponies’ tale and… and that she shouldn’t take it so seriously…”
“Spike?”
“Are you sure I can’t see her? I can come back afterwards and we can continue this, I promise I’ll be fast.”
“I…”
“Please?”
“I’m sorry, Spike. I understand how you feel, but I really need to finish this.”
“… ”
“Hey, as soon as we’re done, I’ll make sure somepony escorts you, okay?”
“...mkay.”
“There we go. What happened after she found the book?”
“She was going to tell Princess Celestia, but I told her that all she knew came from an old book and… I think that made her think twice.”
“How so?”
“She… said I was right and then something about coming up with a plan of her own she could show Celestia. Then, she ran into her room yelling about saving Equestria.”
“And you wouldn’t know anything about that plan, would you?”
“Sorry… I tend to leave Twilight alone when she goes into full research mode, and only help when… when she calls for me.”
“I suppose she didn’t.”
“No… Not all evening. I got a letter from Princess Celestia after that, but… when I, when I w-went inside her room, I… I—”
“It’s okay, Spike. It’s okay.”
“I didn’t know, alright! How could I have known she’d do something like that?”
“It’s not your fault.”
“It is! I’m supposed to b-be her assistant, I shouldn’t have left her alone. Then she wouldn’t have tried to—”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I’m… I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay to feel sad, Spike, but the Princess called the best magic healers of Equestria to help her, she’s going to be alright.”
“But… the magic explosion, that… that was dark magic, I could feel it.”
“…”
“I don’t understand why she took an old legend so seriously, it was just a legend…”
“Hey, big guy. You’ve told us more than enough. Thanks for putting up with us, I’ll have somepony take you to see Twilight now. Captain Armor is already at the hospital.”
“Thanks…”
“Guess that fills some gaps…”
“I still can’t make head or tails of this.”
“Leave that for the higher-ups, we were just told to interrogate all witnesses.”
“What witnesses? That little dragon was the only one who was near the magic blast.”
“We were called in advance for the day after the Summer Sun Celebration, but with that cancelled, guess they just have us do police work.”
“Seems odd that the Princess would call off the holiday just because her student had an accident. I mean, I know she cares a lot about that mare, but still…”
“Who knows how the Princess thinks. I still don’t know what she was thinking adding all those new spots on the moon.”
“It was probably something for the Celebration, but who knows what she meant by that.”
“Hey, our shift’s almost over. Let’s drop the report and go grab a bite. I don’t think the sun’s coming up any time soon.”
“Sure, why not.”
Fascinating. The line about new spots on the moon makes me wonder who else got banished, and who did the banishing. Unfortunately, I can’t say for certain precisely what happened. You’ve given us a mystery without a clear resolution. At least, not one I can see. More space should give you room to clarify what precisely happened. I look forward to seeing it.
I think I've missed something. The setup is pretty clear, Twilight didn't go to Ponyville, because she never wrote Celestia a letter about finding the old prophecy, and then she used dark magic to... do something?
And the celebration was cancelled, and somehow that... what, exactly? Stopped Nightmare Moon from coming back? How? Why? Or was she somehow never banished at all, if there weren't spots on the moon, now there are. So... Twilight banished herself to the moon somehow? Or the original spots were there and now there are more because... who else got banished? Why? And the sun isn't coming up? But if the sun hasn't come up, why are the guards acting like that's normal? I'm afraid this leaves me really confused.
And the celebration was cancelled, and somehow that... what, exactly? Stopped Nightmare Moon from coming back? How? Why? Or was she somehow never banished at all, if there weren't spots on the moon, now there are. So... Twilight banished herself to the moon somehow? Or the original spots were there and now there are more because... who else got banished? Why? And the sun isn't coming up? But if the sun hasn't come up, why are the guards acting like that's normal? I'm afraid this leaves me really confused.
I liked the format. Without any descriptions, it still carried a lot of information. The first few lines were a little rough for me, with almost no clue as to who the interrogator is (or his/her intentions), but once I got into the story it seemed to nicely reflect how impersonal and lonely the situation must feel to Spike. The parts where he pauses and begs to see Twilight were a great addition. I feel for him, and he's just as lost as to what's happening as we are.
But I feel like the last section misuses that same cold impersonal style, and becomes too aloof, like "eh whatever". The clues about the moon are too subtle for me to catch whatever's being suggested. After all that wonderful buildup, I was expecting a twist ending or strange cliffhanger, but it abruptly stopped and delivered nothing.
But I feel like the last section misuses that same cold impersonal style, and becomes too aloof, like "eh whatever". The clues about the moon are too subtle for me to catch whatever's being suggested. After all that wonderful buildup, I was expecting a twist ending or strange cliffhanger, but it abruptly stopped and delivered nothing.
A nice try, write with only dialog. The pace is good enough to not get bored and there is almost a new information for every new line.
I have mixed feelings about the ending though. On one hand, let some mystery unresolved hooks me and makes me want to know more but on the other hand, there isn't enough materials for a clearer interpretation.
From my POV, either Twilight became like NM by using dark magic and got banished by Celestia or Twilight went by herself (her spirit at least because her body is still in Equestria) on the Moon to stop NM.
I have mixed feelings about the ending though. On one hand, let some mystery unresolved hooks me and makes me want to know more but on the other hand, there isn't enough materials for a clearer interpretation.
From my POV, either Twilight became like NM by using dark magic and got banished by Celestia or Twilight went by herself (her spirit at least because her body is still in Equestria) on the Moon to stop NM.
First off, props for the stunt-writing attempt. Dialog-only is an interesting challenge to try and pull off. It's obviously Spike and "not-spike" and follows all the rules of grammar to maintain clear dialog attribution though all the first part. I think though, the purity of the stunt is lost in the end section, as two others are talking, now it's genuinely confusing who is who, as you've introduced a third "not-spike" character without attribution and that's a technical foul. :-)
I'd also say you did a good job of capturing Spike. He sounds in character, and it works. What throws me a bit is the other voice, saying things like "sweetie" and such to him make me wonder who this is.
Then we come to the ending... and we're left wanting. I really dislike stories that are so mysterious that no one gets them, and no one (in the comments so far, at least) seems to "get" this one. You did something cool with the format, but there has to be a payoff. Not a full understanding or explanation, mind you, but something, something to make the reader go "Ohhh!" I don't get that here I'm afraid.
I'd also say you did a good job of capturing Spike. He sounds in character, and it works. What throws me a bit is the other voice, saying things like "sweetie" and such to him make me wonder who this is.
Then we come to the ending... and we're left wanting. I really dislike stories that are so mysterious that no one gets them, and no one (in the comments so far, at least) seems to "get" this one. You did something cool with the format, but there has to be a payoff. Not a full understanding or explanation, mind you, but something, something to make the reader go "Ohhh!" I don't get that here I'm afraid.
Post by
Shadowed_Song
, deleted
Genre: Dialogue / potential horror
Thoughts: Despite my leeriness about the format, I thought the main bit of this was surprisingly strong and emotional. We're slowly lulled into thinking that it's going to be an episode recap as we get oriented to the setting, but then the bad stuff starts creeping in around the edges. Spike does a great job of selling his reaction to whatever inauspicious fate has befallen poor Twilight. If anything, having a little less in the way of specifics about her state would help this take a welcome step toward horror.
But then there's the ending bit. I think it blunts the impact of the Spike section by being so much less emotionally charged. I think you could easily take it out and add the sting about the sun coming up to the end of the main section. That would have an even bigger punch.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Despite my leeriness about the format, I thought the main bit of this was surprisingly strong and emotional. We're slowly lulled into thinking that it's going to be an episode recap as we get oriented to the setting, but then the bad stuff starts creeping in around the edges. Spike does a great job of selling his reaction to whatever inauspicious fate has befallen poor Twilight. If anything, having a little less in the way of specifics about her state would help this take a welcome step toward horror.
But then there's the ending bit. I think it blunts the impact of the Spike section by being so much less emotionally charged. I think you could easily take it out and add the sting about the sun coming up to the end of the main section. That would have an even bigger punch.
Tier: Almost There
>>Ritsuko
>>Fuzzyfurvert
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>SPark
>>Haze
>>Fenton
>>Xepher
>>Shadowed_Song
>>CoffeeMinion
I've been writing on and off for the past three years, and in that time I started to notice something about my style. My stories often end up with an overwrought narrative, full of needlessly long rambling and overtly detailede descriptions that could work just as effectively or even more so were they to be trimmed down, much like a garden that has been left unattended for too long and now has grown wild and randomly until the point it obscures the house behind it.
Therefore, in order to give myself a challenge--because writeoffs are usually such a walk in the park--I decided to tell this story using nothing but dialogue.
I'm mostly satisfied with the result and hopefully this means I'll be able to write less meandering stories in the future.
Now, let's get down to bussiness. The original draft of this story was somewhere around 1.2k words by the time I stopped. I was going a bit more in-depth regarding what Spike knew of Twilight's plan. Seems I couldn't stop being wordy. Therefore I decided to start from scratch, and while I managed to wrap up the initial conversation, I was well over 800 words and without a conclusion in sight.
I'm somewhat amazed that I ended up going right up to the word limit even though I didn't use anything other than dialogue. That'll show me to create a condensed story, huh.
Being less than pleased with myself, and with only a few hours left until the deadline, my inner butcher came out masquerading as an editor and I started cutting out everything that wasn't absolutely essential to the the flow of the narrative--though perhaps, it did hamper the reader's ability to get a firm grasp of the story itself.
Before dwelling further into the making of this piece, perhaps I should come clean about what actually transpired in the story. Spoilered just in case you can live with the mystery: Spike's remark about not having much knowledge about Nightmare Moon prompted Twilight to delay her letter to Princess Celestia until she had a well-rounded plan to deal with her. Seeing how this is a pre-friendship Twilight, this meant she tried to face the problem by herself, which in turn led her to dabble with dark magic. However, dark magic requires a cost, and in this case that means part of Twilight herself got banned to the moon as Nightmare Moon was re-sealed there, evidenced by the additional spots on the moon.
After that happens, Celestia calls the guard to try to handle the aftermath as she goes to grieve the loss of her sister for the second time as well as her student, which leaves a female guard to interview Spike, seeing how he was the only one in the area who witnessed what transpired.
Regarding that last point, Spike made an off-hand comment about there being a lots of guards in Canterlot and even seeing the one interviewing him around the castle, thought that bit ended up getting the axe.
Having established the backstory, I think I did at least a passable job of carrying the atmosphere. The storyteller within me would have loved to dwell in the mind of Spike and the interviewer, or how those feelings influenced their words in this case. However, the time and word constrains as well as that naggy editor voice in my mind demanded that I told the story in as expedite manner as I possibly could which, as mentioned, dealt a severe blow to its intelligibility.
Be that as it may, I still feel the biggest detriment to the story as a whole--aside from the title--is the conclusion. You wouldn't think that a rush job meant to close the story as soon as possible and in the least amount of words would result in an unsatisfying ending, but I guess we learn something every day.
Since this story is a report about a guard transcribing her interview with Spike about the incident at Twilight's tower, the original ending I had in mind would be about said guard summarising the report and tying it to the previous event, thus giving the story a more rounded closure that cleared things up without outright explaining things to the reader, which is what I think I'll do once I adapt this story for FiMFiction.
Oh, and one last thing.
Because I'm objectively bad at coming up with titles. Honestly, sans very few exceptions the range of emotions I have for my story titles range from disappointment and mild annoyance to outright hate and disgust. I used that title as a placeholder while I wrote the story, but as the time left slowly dwindled and my body and mind grew tired, I gave up on trying to come up with something decent.
The random numbers of the title mean it's the first day of the first month (the day after Summer Sun Celebration) at 7:30 in the morning.
I'll try to think of something better.
Anyway, this was a learning experience, and I wish the best to the finalists. See you in the next round!
>>Fuzzyfurvert
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>SPark
>>Haze
>>Fenton
>>Xepher
>>Shadowed_Song
>>CoffeeMinion
I've been writing on and off for the past three years, and in that time I started to notice something about my style. My stories often end up with an overwrought narrative, full of needlessly long rambling and overtly detailede descriptions that could work just as effectively or even more so were they to be trimmed down, much like a garden that has been left unattended for too long and now has grown wild and randomly until the point it obscures the house behind it.
Therefore, in order to give myself a challenge--because writeoffs are usually such a walk in the park--I decided to tell this story using nothing but dialogue.
I'm mostly satisfied with the result and hopefully this means I'll be able to write less meandering stories in the future.
Now, let's get down to bussiness. The original draft of this story was somewhere around 1.2k words by the time I stopped. I was going a bit more in-depth regarding what Spike knew of Twilight's plan. Seems I couldn't stop being wordy. Therefore I decided to start from scratch, and while I managed to wrap up the initial conversation, I was well over 800 words and without a conclusion in sight.
I'm somewhat amazed that I ended up going right up to the word limit even though I didn't use anything other than dialogue. That'll show me to create a condensed story, huh.
Being less than pleased with myself, and with only a few hours left until the deadline, my inner butcher came out masquerading as an editor and I started cutting out everything that wasn't absolutely essential to the the flow of the narrative--though perhaps, it did hamper the reader's ability to get a firm grasp of the story itself.
Before dwelling further into the making of this piece, perhaps I should come clean about what actually transpired in the story. Spoilered just in case you can live with the mystery: Spike's remark about not having much knowledge about Nightmare Moon prompted Twilight to delay her letter to Princess Celestia until she had a well-rounded plan to deal with her. Seeing how this is a pre-friendship Twilight, this meant she tried to face the problem by herself, which in turn led her to dabble with dark magic. However, dark magic requires a cost, and in this case that means part of Twilight herself got banned to the moon as Nightmare Moon was re-sealed there, evidenced by the additional spots on the moon.
After that happens, Celestia calls the guard to try to handle the aftermath as she goes to grieve the loss of her sister for the second time as well as her student, which leaves a female guard to interview Spike, seeing how he was the only one in the area who witnessed what transpired.
Regarding that last point, Spike made an off-hand comment about there being a lots of guards in Canterlot and even seeing the one interviewing him around the castle, thought that bit ended up getting the axe.
Having established the backstory, I think I did at least a passable job of carrying the atmosphere. The storyteller within me would have loved to dwell in the mind of Spike and the interviewer, or how those feelings influenced their words in this case. However, the time and word constrains as well as that naggy editor voice in my mind demanded that I told the story in as expedite manner as I possibly could which, as mentioned, dealt a severe blow to its intelligibility.
Be that as it may, I still feel the biggest detriment to the story as a whole--aside from the title--is the conclusion. You wouldn't think that a rush job meant to close the story as soon as possible and in the least amount of words would result in an unsatisfying ending, but I guess we learn something every day.
Since this story is a report about a guard transcribing her interview with Spike about the incident at Twilight's tower, the original ending I had in mind would be about said guard summarising the report and tying it to the previous event, thus giving the story a more rounded closure that cleared things up without outright explaining things to the reader, which is what I think I'll do once I adapt this story for FiMFiction.
Oh, and one last thing.
why such a dead end title for the story?
Because I'm objectively bad at coming up with titles. Honestly, sans very few exceptions the range of emotions I have for my story titles range from disappointment and mild annoyance to outright hate and disgust. I used that title as a placeholder while I wrote the story, but as the time left slowly dwindled and my body and mind grew tired, I gave up on trying to come up with something decent.
The random numbers of the title mean it's the first day of the first month (the day after Summer Sun Celebration) at 7:30 in the morning.
I'll try to think of something better.
Anyway, this was a learning experience, and I wish the best to the finalists. See you in the next round!