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Princess of the Ruins
Luna was suspended in the middle of a web made of wires and tubes. Belts held her above the circle of runes carved in the floor, metal bands ran along her legs and joined together on her back. Her mane hung limp and gray, her eyes closed.
The room was silent save for her ragged breathing.
"You could have called me."
Luna opened her eyes and looked down at the pony standing in front of her. Mane flowing in an eternal breeze, a posture radiating authority, and old eyes scrutinizing your soul. "I didn't think you would have come, Princess Twilight."
"I would. Despite everything, I always come."
"Not soon enough."
Twilight Frowned and said, "I'm often busy, but that's not a good reason for wrestling the Moon from its scheduled orbit. It's not your role anymore. Have you any idea how much trouble—"
"I won't see the next dawn."
Twilight looked up. She opened her mouth, then closed it. She bit her lip and looked away. "Is there a problem with your life support?"
Luna laughed. It was a weak and pathetic sound, barely distinguishable a fit of coughs. She said, "You were never good at lying, not even to yourself. You know it as well as me, there's nothing anypony can do. My time is up and this will be my last night. It's our fate."
"Fate," Twilight spat the word out and looked Luna in the eyes. "A word cowards use to feel good about losing the control of their lives. I've shown you that there's no such thing." She looked around. "Where is Doctor Chitin?"
"I sent him away. I wanted a bit of privacy for this," Luna said. "I wanted to talk to you. I need to bring you closure. I need closure."
"Will you apologize?"
"I won't. We did what was necessary."
Twilight snarled. "You lied to me. For three centuries you fooled me."
"And I would do it again."
"Then what kind of closure do you want? Another shouting match?" Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I had one with Celestia already. I will not... What do you want?"
"To not repeat the mistakes of my sister. I don't want your last memory of me being one of a fight." Luna shifted a bit her weight. Her muscles were weak, but the metal reacted to her intentions. "I want to make peace."
"Apologize. Apologize for having groomed me to rule over ruins. For having shunned your responsibilities."
"We never did that. We prepared you to be a good princess."
"It was you who illuminated me about my grand destiny! Luna keeps the Moon, Celestia guards the Sun, and when the time comes Twilight shall reign over the end of Equestria." Twilight stomped with her hoof. "You could have told me and I would have prepared. Instead, you lied and shaped me into the overseer of your failures."
Luna looked at Twilight, at the minuscule tears gathering at the corner of her eyes. Luna cursed silently the failing body keeping her bound up there. "I simply told you about the prophecy. I admit there was some uncertainty about the exact translation, an ambiguity with the words Sunset and Twilight, but it was what would be."
"Horseapples. Your precious prophecy is a bunch of nonsense. There was no decadence, no end. Equestria still stands."
"Twilight, please open the curtains and look outside."
Twilight glared at here, then shrugged and walked to the curtains. She pulled them aside revealing a large window. Outside the Moon shone over a city. It was an endless expanse of towers and hanging gardens. Airy boulevards teeming with life separated the gargantuan buildings reaching to the stars.
"You remember the old Equestria. Tell me, where are the little villages? Where are the wide, empty plains? Where's the white capitol sitting on the mountain?"
Twilight looked at her city. Minutes passed before she answered, "They are gone." A griffon carrying some grubs passed in front of the window, closely followed by a flock of pegasus foals. "Gone along with the barriers separating us from other species. Gone with the poverty. Gone with the risk of losing everything because some ancient horror felt it was time to stretch its legs again."
Twilight turned around and looked at Luna. "You may be right. The old Equestria is gone, but this," she pointed with her hoof at the window and said, "is better."
Luna smiled. "Twilight, we never doubted it would be."
The room was silent save for her ragged breathing.
"You could have called me."
Luna opened her eyes and looked down at the pony standing in front of her. Mane flowing in an eternal breeze, a posture radiating authority, and old eyes scrutinizing your soul. "I didn't think you would have come, Princess Twilight."
"I would. Despite everything, I always come."
"Not soon enough."
Twilight Frowned and said, "I'm often busy, but that's not a good reason for wrestling the Moon from its scheduled orbit. It's not your role anymore. Have you any idea how much trouble—"
"I won't see the next dawn."
Twilight looked up. She opened her mouth, then closed it. She bit her lip and looked away. "Is there a problem with your life support?"
Luna laughed. It was a weak and pathetic sound, barely distinguishable a fit of coughs. She said, "You were never good at lying, not even to yourself. You know it as well as me, there's nothing anypony can do. My time is up and this will be my last night. It's our fate."
"Fate," Twilight spat the word out and looked Luna in the eyes. "A word cowards use to feel good about losing the control of their lives. I've shown you that there's no such thing." She looked around. "Where is Doctor Chitin?"
"I sent him away. I wanted a bit of privacy for this," Luna said. "I wanted to talk to you. I need to bring you closure. I need closure."
"Will you apologize?"
"I won't. We did what was necessary."
Twilight snarled. "You lied to me. For three centuries you fooled me."
"And I would do it again."
"Then what kind of closure do you want? Another shouting match?" Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I had one with Celestia already. I will not... What do you want?"
"To not repeat the mistakes of my sister. I don't want your last memory of me being one of a fight." Luna shifted a bit her weight. Her muscles were weak, but the metal reacted to her intentions. "I want to make peace."
"Apologize. Apologize for having groomed me to rule over ruins. For having shunned your responsibilities."
"We never did that. We prepared you to be a good princess."
"It was you who illuminated me about my grand destiny! Luna keeps the Moon, Celestia guards the Sun, and when the time comes Twilight shall reign over the end of Equestria." Twilight stomped with her hoof. "You could have told me and I would have prepared. Instead, you lied and shaped me into the overseer of your failures."
Luna looked at Twilight, at the minuscule tears gathering at the corner of her eyes. Luna cursed silently the failing body keeping her bound up there. "I simply told you about the prophecy. I admit there was some uncertainty about the exact translation, an ambiguity with the words Sunset and Twilight, but it was what would be."
"Horseapples. Your precious prophecy is a bunch of nonsense. There was no decadence, no end. Equestria still stands."
"Twilight, please open the curtains and look outside."
Twilight glared at here, then shrugged and walked to the curtains. She pulled them aside revealing a large window. Outside the Moon shone over a city. It was an endless expanse of towers and hanging gardens. Airy boulevards teeming with life separated the gargantuan buildings reaching to the stars.
"You remember the old Equestria. Tell me, where are the little villages? Where are the wide, empty plains? Where's the white capitol sitting on the mountain?"
Twilight looked at her city. Minutes passed before she answered, "They are gone." A griffon carrying some grubs passed in front of the window, closely followed by a flock of pegasus foals. "Gone along with the barriers separating us from other species. Gone with the poverty. Gone with the risk of losing everything because some ancient horror felt it was time to stretch its legs again."
Twilight turned around and looked at Luna. "You may be right. The old Equestria is gone, but this," she pointed with her hoof at the window and said, "is better."
Luna smiled. "Twilight, we never doubted it would be."
Genre: San Palomino II: Electric Boogaloo
Thoughts: I was with this right up to the final section. The big swerve doesn't make sense to me unless we have some kind of San Palomino situation going on; otherwise, why would Twilight get salty about a prophecy that was kept secret until it got to the point where it had pretty clearly not come true? I get it if this is a San Palomino thing, and there really has been a major change/downfall, but the last couple of lines seem to preclude that pretty definitively.
That's my big issue here. The rest of it is really well executed for the most part. I think this could be turned into a strong scene by making the prophecy stuff and other details of the world clearer, but the actual storytelling aspects of it are pretty good.
Tier: Needs Work
Thoughts: I was with this right up to the final section. The big swerve doesn't make sense to me unless we have some kind of San Palomino situation going on; otherwise, why would Twilight get salty about a prophecy that was kept secret until it got to the point where it had pretty clearly not come true? I get it if this is a San Palomino thing, and there really has been a major change/downfall, but the last couple of lines seem to preclude that pretty definitively.
That's my big issue here. The rest of it is really well executed for the most part. I think this could be turned into a strong scene by making the prophecy stuff and other details of the world clearer, but the actual storytelling aspects of it are pretty good.
Tier: Needs Work
>>CoffeeMinion
So this story also showed up on my slate, and I think you're misinterpreting it.
The idea being presented is that the old Equestria has been ruined, but replaced by a better Equestria, as presented in the final lines.
Prophecies are tricsky things. ;)
So this story also showed up on my slate, and I think you're misinterpreting it.
The idea being presented is that the old Equestria has been ruined, but replaced by a better Equestria, as presented in the final lines.
Twilight turned around and looked at Luna. "You may be right. The old Equestria is gone, but this," she pointed with her hoof at the window and said, "is better."
Luna smiled. "Twilight, we never doubted it would be."
Prophecies are tricsky things. ;)
>>Syeekoh
I dunno, I see where you're coming from, but that seems to give it a kind of political/religious edge that I have trouble buying in Equestria. Maybe I could buy it in Equestrian prehistory, but that has some difficulties, too; I wouldn't expect prophecy from that era to speak highly of the EUP unification in the Luna/Celestia era if if was going to turn around and dump on pony/griffon/etc. unification in a post-Luna/Celestia era. Of course there could be more subtlety to the values of Equestrian prehistory that would leave wiggle room for that, but the story doesn't give us enough background to confirm it. But either way, why is Twilight so upset? And what was the basis for her disagreements with Luna/Celestia? I just don't see enough foundation for that in the story.
I dunno, I see where you're coming from, but that seems to give it a kind of political/religious edge that I have trouble buying in Equestria. Maybe I could buy it in Equestrian prehistory, but that has some difficulties, too; I wouldn't expect prophecy from that era to speak highly of the EUP unification in the Luna/Celestia era if if was going to turn around and dump on pony/griffon/etc. unification in a post-Luna/Celestia era. Of course there could be more subtlety to the values of Equestrian prehistory that would leave wiggle room for that, but the story doesn't give us enough background to confirm it. But either way, why is Twilight so upset? And what was the basis for her disagreements with Luna/Celestia? I just don't see enough foundation for that in the story.
>>CoffeeMinion
My impression about the prophecy is that it's incredibly vague, meaning that the end of equestria doesn't have to necessarily be a bad thing.
And my thoughts on why Twilight was mad was that Luna and Celestia thought that the prophecy meant that Equestria ending would be a bad thing, so they prepared Twilight for the worst. So she decided to go against that and turn Equestria into a better place―unwittingly fulfilling the prophecy by ending 'Equestria' as a pony-centered society and turning it into a far more integrated one.
My impression about the prophecy is that it's incredibly vague, meaning that the end of equestria doesn't have to necessarily be a bad thing.
And my thoughts on why Twilight was mad was that Luna and Celestia thought that the prophecy meant that Equestria ending would be a bad thing, so they prepared Twilight for the worst. So she decided to go against that and turn Equestria into a better place―unwittingly fulfilling the prophecy by ending 'Equestria' as a pony-centered society and turning it into a far more integrated one.
I like the overall idea here. The whole 'And the Princesses randomly died' bit, not so much. I mean, I guess on some level it's necessary to get to the 'Twilight is the only one left' but...eh. That part I didn't care for.
The reversal on 'End of Equestria', though, that I do like.
The reversal on 'End of Equestria', though, that I do like.
Well... that was... abrupt? Sudden? Jarring? I think this does need some work. I feel like I have whiplash from that sudden left turn there. It has some good elements, but it definitely could use some work so it doesn't feel like two different random stories (the prophecy turning out to be a good thing, the princesses dying) smashed together.
You know, for being such a central aspect of the story, one would think we'd get a bit more about this prophecy than just a few vague references, even if only for lore purposes, because I still think it works as a plot point the way it is.
For the most part, I agree with >>Syeekoh (When did you drop the Majin?) Twilight ended up fulfilling the prophecy about the end of Equestria in the best possible way, and that's something I really liked. The steps it took to go from current Equestria to this one, though, not so much.
Much like Morning Sun and SPark before me, the dying Princess plot point felt more like, well, a plot point used specifically to set forth the discussion between Luna and Twilight rather than another layer to the story. Still, it's nothing that a few rounds of editing won't iron out.
Overall, I really liked this, and I'd love to like it more, because it's very well-written. It comes very close, but not quite there.
For the most part, I agree with >>Syeekoh (When did you drop the Majin?) Twilight ended up fulfilling the prophecy about the end of Equestria in the best possible way, and that's something I really liked. The steps it took to go from current Equestria to this one, though, not so much.
Much like Morning Sun and SPark before me, the dying Princess plot point felt more like, well, a plot point used specifically to set forth the discussion between Luna and Twilight rather than another layer to the story. Still, it's nothing that a few rounds of editing won't iron out.
Overall, I really liked this, and I'd love to like it more, because it's very well-written. It comes very close, but not quite there.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Funny story, actually.
My username was originally just Syeekoh, which is the time period when I made the writeoff account. The Majin was a later addition, and since writeoff scores are tied to usernames, creating a Majin Syeekoh handle using this account would start me off with a score of zero and I'm not really a fan of that idea.
I agree with >>Syeekoh (When did you drop the Majin?)
Funny story, actually.
My username was originally just Syeekoh, which is the time period when I made the writeoff account. The Majin was a later addition, and since writeoff scores are tied to usernames, creating a Majin Syeekoh handle using this account would start me off with a score of zero and I'm not really a fan of that idea.
I have to agree that “dying Luna” angle feels forced. Given the circumstances, it seems like she could’ve just told Twilight now that the prophecy has been fulfilled. And if that last line is true, I really don’t see why Twilight is upset. Luna explicitly shared the prophecy, which means that Twilight would’ve had to leave in a huff the moment that last syllable crossed Luna’s lips and never talk to her again in the intervening centuries to not hear the hopeful interpretation. Unless, of course, sharing that interpretation might impact Twilight’s ability to fulfill the darn thing, because trying to control the outcome of a prophecy so rarely ends well…
I suppose my main issue is that I just don’t know enough of the story to tell how justified Twilight is in her indignation. Expand this and I’ll know for sure. (Also, I have several questions about Cadence, Flurry Heart, and who’s handling celestial mechanics, but those are side notes.)
I suppose my main issue is that I just don’t know enough of the story to tell how justified Twilight is in her indignation. Expand this and I’ll know for sure. (Also, I have several questions about Cadence, Flurry Heart, and who’s handling celestial mechanics, but those are side notes.)
Post by
Shadowed_Song
, deleted
I... I don't get it. Why is Twilight upset? What "failures" is she overseeing? The reveal at the end leaves it making even less sense to me.
What I did take away from this was an inkling of emotion about how prophecy is tricky to interpret, and an "end" can be a "beginning" as well. There's some strong potential in that idea, but this story left me scratching my head far too much to appreciate it.
What I did take away from this was an inkling of emotion about how prophecy is tricky to interpret, and an "end" can be a "beginning" as well. There's some strong potential in that idea, but this story left me scratching my head far too much to appreciate it.
So, Princess of the Ruins was my entry this time, and I messed it up. I still like the core concept, but I failed to sell it properly in the space I had at disposal, which is kinda the point of the write-offs.
Thank you all for the comments and the time you took to review the story, it will all be put to good use in the extended version I hope to finish the next week. Or the week after. Soonish anyway. It should also answer all the questions and ambiguities. I thought it through, I swear it.
The las sentence is probably the worst error I made in how I wrote the story, as the meaning was quite different from what I intended. It should have been more along "I've seen it now. And, Twilight, despite everything, we never doubted you." No excuses here, I should have been more careful.
>>CoffeeMinion
I shall read San Palomino, as currently I have no idea there was a similarity. Thank you for pointing it out.
>>Syeekoh
I'm glad you liked it and you got that right.
>>Morning Sun
>>SPark
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>FanOfMostEverything
I see how it comes out as random. I should certainly point out how it came to that.
>>Shadowed_Song
Thank you.
>>Xepher
I really messed up with the information compression this time. Something I hope I'll be able to rectify.
And now, onwards to rating the finalists.
Thank you all for the comments and the time you took to review the story, it will all be put to good use in the extended version I hope to finish the next week. Or the week after. Soonish anyway. It should also answer all the questions and ambiguities. I thought it through, I swear it.
The las sentence is probably the worst error I made in how I wrote the story, as the meaning was quite different from what I intended. It should have been more along "I've seen it now. And, Twilight, despite everything, we never doubted you." No excuses here, I should have been more careful.
>>CoffeeMinion
I shall read San Palomino, as currently I have no idea there was a similarity. Thank you for pointing it out.
>>Syeekoh
I'm glad you liked it and you got that right.
>>Morning Sun
>>SPark
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>FanOfMostEverything
I see how it comes out as random. I should certainly point out how it came to that.
>>Shadowed_Song
Thank you.
>>Xepher
I really messed up with the information compression this time. Something I hope I'll be able to rectify.
And now, onwards to rating the finalists.