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The Twilight Zone · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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Exclusion Zone
The Thaumaturgical Exclusion Zone was established in 1087 A.C. It is bounded on the north by the circum-arctic mountains. To the south, it extends across the bay of Harmony, reaching deep into the boreal forests of the former Yak-Yakistan. The eastern perimeter extends nearly two hundred miles offshore. On the west though, the border is less well defined. There, the wastelands of tragedy fade almost imperceptibly into the wastelands of natural cause.

A traveler, approaching the Zone from that western side, might be forgiven for her trepidation and uncertainty. Only the most experienced guides can safely skirt the boundaries of the Zone. Only they know the subtle signs to watch for if a pony strays too far east: the way the lizards—or even the same lizard—seem to have a variable number of limbs, or how the plants move just a little too quickly to be explained by wind alone.

The Zone is forbidden. And for good reason. A great tragedy unfolded here. You can see it in the faces of the plains statues. They litter the cold desert for miles, a great herd of stone ponies, ten thousand or more in number, galloping east for eternity. The ones furthest west, they have a fear in their lifeless eyes, the promise of death for anypony that dares slow in the slightest. The ones further east, near the back of the permanent migration, well... they hardly look like ponies at all now.

There is a story, told sometimes by those that scrape out their existence on the edges of the Zone. It tells of a time when Sun and Moon cooperated. When the two Lifegivers took equal turns high in the heavens, casting their gaze upon the world. It is said that in those ancient times, Sun would burn so hot and so high that a pony could lift her head, and feel Sun's warmth as strongly as that of a fire. So warm, they say, was Sun in those days, that ponies welcomed the rise of Moon, and the cool breeze her darkness brought. And that Moon too, enjoyed the fullness of the sky. That she rose so high, so bright, and so pure that a pony could gallop safely by her light alone, even in the deepest forest. But the fairy tales of Day and Darkness, of Noon and Night seem impossible now. Rather, the Lifegivers hug the horizon, sluggishly bobbing up and down though the years as they circle like sparring wolves, ceaselessly hunting each other through the ever-dim sky.

Deeper into the Zone, if a pony dares it, there can be found villages, towns, and even larger things the old ones called "cities." All long abandoned, of course. In one of these, just beyond the rim of a crater called Canterlot, there is found a statue. This one a true statue, carved and cast by hooves, not congealed from flesh like the herd of the plains. It is a pony, but unlike anything we know today. She stands regal, on a plinth of marble. Her horn is raised to the heavens, and her wings—yes, wings too, for she had both—her wings are spread wide, seeming to encompass the world. The worn script etched into the plinth names her a princess, a friend, and an element of Harmony. But later, cruder markings declare her Destroyer, Bastard, World-Ender, and worse.

It was her, they say, who turned the world on its ear. It was her, they shout, that destroyed the balance of Sun and Moon. It was her, who damned us all to this crepuscular existence, this unending grayness of never-dawn. So it is only fitting that we know her by her damage, and with its own name, we damn her in return. "Twilight," the forest of headstones declare. "Twilight," the sea of standing corpses cry out. "Twilight!!!" we all howl into the grey abyss. For, stuck between listless Sun and Moon, we know only this dim and morbid light she left us when she reached too far.
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#1 ·
· · >>Xepher
This has a very "Lost Cities" by Cold in Gardez vibe. Atmospheric and fairy tale-like.
#2 ·
· · >>Xepher
The atmosphere of this one is wonderful.
#3 · 2
· · >>Astrarian >>Xepher
Ironically, it’s actually a statue of Flurry Heart. :trollestia:

Fascinating stuff… though there’s one early detail that completely threw me off. By name dropping Yakyakistan when detailing the southern border, you made it sound like the exclusion zone was entirely north of the Crystal Empire. I couldn’t really appreciate the scope of the disaster until near the end. I suspected what you were going for, but that detail threw me off.

In any case, this is certainly atmospheric, though the narration’s a touch too personal for the optimum Lost Cities tone. It leads into questions of who precisely is speaking, and to whom. Still, for the most part, this was well-crafted.
#4 ·
· · >>Xepher
There are a couple of lovely turns of phrase in this and the atmosphere is great. I particularly like:

Her horn is raised to the heavens, and her wings—yes, wings too, for she had both—her wings are spread wide


It's the physical details that throw me, like you didn't quite iron out the internal logic of where the story's actually taking place. We know that Yakyakistan's north of Canterlot because it's stated in the episodes, so that places the centre (the depths) of the Zone north of Yakyakistan, but Canterlot is later described as "deep" within the Zone. If the world's been physically ripped apart in even weirder ways than is implied by the eternal twilight, then I need more clues to it.

[Edit: I should have just added my agreement to >>FanOfMostEverything, who makes the same point more concisely.]

Also, if the ponies are galloping east, wouldn't the ponies furthest to the east be near the front rather than the back? Maybe they should be galloping west.

There's some repetitive description that, despite its contribution to the atmosphere, I think is ultimately unnecessary (e.g almost imperceptibly, this crepuscular existence, World-Ender, and saying the ponies were congealed from flesh: while gross evocative, it's a complicated way of saying they were turned to stone, which I already knew).

There are a lot of fun questions to ask from this story though, like whether there's a connection to Discord given all the statues, how history got so distorted that ponies know stories of Celestia and Luna ruling in Harmony and about Twilight but not about the stuff in the middle where Luna is banished etc, how the narrator knows any of this, and of course what exactly Twilight did or didn't do and why (and also why it makes her a Bastard of all things!).

So overall, for me this is a grand idea that's well-executed emotionally but falls a bit short when I think about it in depth. I think it'll be easy to clear up the details should you choose to spend a bit more time on it.
#5 ·
· · >>Posh >>Xepher
Nice worldbuilding. But aside from that and the pleasant prose, all this really has is 'Twilight did a bad thing!' which kinda works? But it isn't really very satisfying. There's not much emotional texture here, except a kinda-sorta reveal, which... I rather saw coming. I'd like this to have a bit more swing, be a little more extreme or something, maybe?
#6 · 1
· · >>Xepher
uhoh, Lost Cities. it's hard for me to critique, since I still haven't made up my mind if I like or dislike the genre.

first paragraph: almost lost me. these opening lines felt too much like a flat textbook description, this border and that border. but the west border is undefined, huh that's unusual. I'll keep reading for that.

second paragraph: yeah yeah, it's scary and weird, I gotcha. they all are.

third paragraph: now here's a hook. it arrived late, but it's a really good one. wonderful grotesque imagery that suggests the meat of the story.
galloping east for eternity

this is an error. they should be galloping west.
this muddled my first reading, and I didn't catch it until I re-read. I thought they were all willingly marching INTO the zone, for whatever motive. that's creepy for completely different reasons, but not the intended story.

fourth paragraph: pretty descriptions that are wasting my time. yeah yeah, I already know it's Equestria. I love the last line about the wolves, and it's setting up new information I needed to know.

fifth & sixth paragraphs: I'll just echo other complaints that it suddenly shifts into a more personal tone, and it's not satisfying. after the statues and the horizons, it's missing the last step to complete the story. the wailing against Twilight doesn't quite fit in the theme, it's not showing me a new result after the disaster. it's almost as if the story ended on its climax, so to speak.

in conclusion, despite all the powerful language, the structure feels very off-balance to me. and I still can't decide if I like or dislike Lost Cities.
#7 · 1
· · >>Xepher
I appreciate the world-building and storyline you present outside the zone, but it's hard to comprehend the status quo. In such a post-apocalypse, who is even writing this description? For who to read? There's a structure you could create with this that only implies these questions, without making them distracting, but by removing so much of the detachment at the end it makes them pertinent.

I don't think that taking a personal tone with the ending is a bad call necessarily, but it's awfully melodramatic and jarring in its current state, when it seems like it should be much more resigned.
#8 ·
· · >>Xepher
As others have already pointed out, it's very atmospheric - to be honest, it sounded like the voice-over of a documentary. The descriptions are nicely put.

I have the same grievance as FoME here, in that it seems that the zone is located between the north pole and the northern border of the Yack-doodadstan, which is probably not what you're going for.

However, like all documentaries, it is slow paced and heavy info-dumpy, and the relative length of your paragraphs strengthens that feeling.

I don't see why the zone is forbidden. Okay, something bad happened here, but precisely, this should be a sanctuary for remembering an old, fateful day, rather than a forbidden area. Provided that the area is safe, which seems to be the case. And we also don't really know what caused that catastrophe, we just know Twilight was the culprit, which leaves us somewhat unsatisfied.

So, yeah, nicely knit, but some threads would need mending before you can sold it to me :)
#9 ·
· · >>Xepher
>>Not_A_Hat Kinda this. It's material that could be used to tell a story. It's not really a story in itself. More like a travelogue made by an extremely depressed Rick Steves.

Are you okay, Rick? Do you need to talk? Come meet me for coffee. Then we can go remove all the sharp objects from your house.

I mean, it's good world-building, don't get me wrong... It's just, I can't find a rhyme or reason for it, or anything to get invested in, besides the mystery. Although, it might make a good follow-up to It's Over, provided one takes Zaid's interpretation at face value. Hell, for all I know, these were written by the same person; they fit well together in an eerie way.

Of course, if I'm wrong... *eyes Zaid's hat hungrily*
#10 · 1
· · >>FanOfMostEverything
Curse you Cold in Gardez, because now I have to compare every great narrative to Lost Cities! (And none quite live up to it.) :-) But still, this one has a great atmosphere, and some fun phrasing that's just strange enough to convey weirdness, without going into full on dystopian jargon like that awful Tom Hanks bit in Cloud Atlas.

On the technical side, the bit about east/west and the herd definitely through me, as it did others. I can only assume it was a typo, either that or space-time is really more messed up then the story implies. The other thing that threw me was Yak-Yakistan being to the south. The geography seemed confused. But then I read the last paragraph:
It was her, they say, who turned the world on its ear.

Then it all connected. The world is literally sideways after whatever disaster happened, and North isn't the same direction it used to be.

Overall, I like this one, but I'm not sold on the tone shift near the end. If it had stayed impersonal, it might've actually made for a stronger emotional punch than the actual, more emotional tone it does have.
#11 · 1
·
>>Xepher
Oh. That does make sense if you take "turned on its ear" literally. The problem is that it's such a well-established idiom that I never thought to. Well, that, and in order for Yakyakistan to be south of the exclusion zone, the world would've had to have been twisted around as well as tilted. Or tilted about 180 degrees. It's such an extreme adjustment that referring to it so obliquely made me dismiss it as a possibility.
#12 ·
· · >>Xepher
Really? Crepuscular twice in one writeoff?

Also small snark for the idea of "the lizards have abnormal leg counts" as a subtle thing. I'd totally notice if the lizard had 8 legs.
#13 · 1
·
This is all atmosphere and nothing else for me, sadly. Then again, 'Equestria explodes' has been done so many times now that destroying everything we care about needs to have a good reason behind it before I give you credit for doing more than milking free emotional drama.

As is, I have to dock this one because it seems like it's all about milking emotional drama. 'EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND LOVE IS DEEEEEEAAAD!'
#14 · 2
·
First off, thanks to all who commented.

>>Fuzzyfurvert
>>SPark
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Exuno
>>Monokeras
>>Posh
Yeah, no way am I avoiding the Lost Cities comparison here, though the direct inspiration was the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone and some of the travelogues I've seen of that abandoned area. So at least I got the tone (mostly) right for my aim it seems.

My "vision" of the world was that Twilight had let loose some accidental spell that literally blasted a crater, destroying canterlot, the sisters, and herself. In the process, it sent the world's axis tiling almost ninety degrees on it's side. The Sun and the Moon are left just barely wobbling in farther orbits from the blast, and as such that there's only a thin band of habitable area around the now-northern (previously canterlot) and southern poles where both can be seen in the sky at the same time, and give just enough light that plants can still barely grow. Everything else, where only sun or moon is visible in the sky, or where they ever set, is too cold for life.


>>Monokeras
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Astrarian
So I thought I was being subtle AND clever by describing yak-yakistan to the south, showing that the world isn't oriented the way it should be, but then I realized Equestrian geography isn't exactly solid to most people (unlike if I'd described Canada as west of the former USA) so this just ended up looking like a confused mistake. Definitely strike one there. And then...

>>Astrarian
>>Haze
Yup, completely confused my OWN sense of direction, and wrote east when I meant west for the stone herd. Strike two!

>>AndrewRogue
Yeah, writing this I used "Crepuscular" and the word stuck in my head, so I tried to squeeze in a quick third entry musing on that word. Strike three! But I thought the lizard thing was clever, especially that a SINGLE lizard might even have a variable number of limbs. I mean, it's not like when I go on a hike I count legs on every lizard. :-)


Thanks again everyone, and if/when I expand this, I'll try to fix up all that's been pointed out.