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The Twilight Zone · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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The Masquerade
"So what do you think of this little... gathering, Sir?"

Fancy Pants looked on his right at the pony who had just spoken. Seeing the horn poking through the elegant black mask, he deduced she was a unicorn but that was all he could guess. Besides her mask, the mare was fully dressed in a stunning deep blue gown which covered her cutie mark. She wasn't the only one; in fact, everyone was also fully dressed and wearing a mask.

"I must say I am a little... abashed ," he replied.

"Abashed? How's that?" asked the mare with a slightly mocking tone.

He pondered how to answer and looked around but found nothing that could provide a clue. However... "How could I explain?" he sighed. "Let's see... I've heard that our national heroes, the Element Bearers, would be joining us tonight but I have not been able to recognize even one of them. I expected them to be as notable as they were during the last Grand Galloping Gala, especially Miss Pie, but there wasn't any incident so far that could have helped me identify them."

"So?" she giggled. "I'm sure they enjoy not being the center of attention for once. Unlike our dear Prince," she spat, nodding her head towards a stallion that couldn't be mistaken for anypony else, being the only one without a mask.

"Ha! Prince Blueblood has never been able to resist a chance to be under the spotlight," he commented. "And I would have been surprised to see him act differently tonight. I understand him, in a way."

"You must be the only one then," she said, tilting her head to one side.

"After tonight, I won't be so sure. Without false modesty, and like many others here, I see myself as an important pony, the 'creme de la creme' as one of my good friend would say, so I'm used to be recognized and to recognize who I'm interacting with. Knowing who they are, what are their rank or their privileges helps me to know how I am supposed to act. Without all those bearings, I have to admit that I feel a bit... lost," he admitted with a smile.

"So you should take this as an opportunity to act however you want. I believe that's what Princess Luna had in mind when she planned this soirée. Isn't that thrilling?" she asked, her eyes glistening with mischief. "You could act like a complete lout in front of one of the Princesses and never know it."

"That would be uncouth. Moreover, I think it would require a few more drinks to not be able to recognize our beloved rulers. The fact they are way taller than anypony else may not help them to remain anonymous."

"Don't you know they can shapeshift their appearance?"

"I didn't know but I think I see where you're going. I suppose I just need some time to learn how I should behave."

"Would a dance help you relax?"

"I... don't know but I would be honored to be your partner," he genuinely replied.

"Are you familiar with waltzing?"

"I would be a substandard aristocrat if I wasn't."

They walked to the dance area. The mare stood on two legs and waited fo Fancy Pants who followed soon, putting one of his foreleg behind her neck and the other on her waist.

"And remember," she whispered to his ear, "you're nopony tonight."

She grabbed and led him to a wild waltz. She was strong for a mare her size and he could only let himself be passive between her hooves and gaze at the her beautiful green eyes. Whoever was this mare, she was mesmerizing; he felt he could follow in her hoofsteps.
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#1 · 1
· · >>Fenton
couple of typos, but not bad. Cute little scene.
#2 · 3
· · >>CoffeeMinion >>Fenton
I have a funny feeling the pony in question is Princess Luna... But whether she is or not, I quite like this one. It feels like it could be the start of something else. It's a little weak as a stand-alone scene, but it would be a pretty strong intro to say a Fancy/Luna shipping fic or something of that nature.
#3 · 5
· · >>Fenton
I generally hate saying this, but I think the minific format wasn't the best choice for this story.

What we get is still a beautiful scene with crisp dialogues. The setting is sparsely described, which was less of a problem than I thought it would be as I filled the void automatically.

There isn't much more I can say, sadly. While we get a glimpse at the characters, it's over before we can learn anything substantial. The premise is good, and it has the potential to be a splendid if slightly longer story.

Oh, and Twilight Zone as a situation of uncertainty and alienation in a social setting is an interesting and novel interpretation. Bravo.
#4 · 3
· · >>CoffeeMinion >>Fenton
This is nice (I'm a fan of slice of life), but it didn't do much else for me. It's a masquerade ball, yet the story didn't manage to achieve the understated, mysterious air I feel fits the setting. Because Fancy Pants says everything on his mind immediately I never shared his feelings of alienation: in fact he starts talking about feeling lost before anything in behaviour suggests he is. The only mystery is in figuring out who the mare is, but it doesn't actually matter who she is, so it all felt a little flat as it stands right now.

Of course, I appreciate that this is a minific round, but I see you had words left, so I would've liked to have seen a bit more of Fancy before he meets the mare, for instance missing a social cue in a conversation or slinking to the side to avoid talking to people because he doesn't know how to read them. Something that fits with the understated atmosphere, leaves the setting clean, and shows me more of how he's feeling before he confirms it for me.
#5 · 4
· · >>Fenton
I feel like this falls juuuuust short of being able to Say Something about identity and anonymity, and how society uses them to deal with ideas like responsibility and privacy. That's too bad, but the story is enjoyable as-is. It's just a little... hmm, I dunno, light, maybe? It's probably closest to a character piece, but I don't think it connects me to them as strongly as I'd like. The central conceit is sound, but it's not making enough out of it, in one way or another, to be really exciting.
#6 · 2
· · >>Fenton
Genre: Abbreviated romance/slice-of-life

Thoughts: I'll echo >>Astrarian in finding it a bit off that Fancy just comes out with everything on his mind. I suspect it was an attempt to help set the scene and ensconce Fancy as our hero who might undergo a journey of self-discovery, but I feel it was a little out-of-tune. I'll also second >>SPark in that this seems like a great intro to a shipfic.

Normally I pick on stories for failing to be "complete," and this seemed to reflect a conscious decision to use its remaining word count to develop the attraction between the characters rather than to deliver closure to the plot arc as a whole. And yet, I feel like the story made the right choice in doing what it did. The attraction ends up being the story's take-away, as well as the culmination of the plot. So it's not so much a romance as it is a tale of budding attraction. I think I'm okay with that, even though I want to know more.

Tier: Almost There.
#7 · 3
· · >>Posh >>Fenton
You were going strong until you made Fancy Pants say “way taller” as opposed to something less colloquial. Character voice is key.

Aside from that and a few proofreading flubs, this as generally good. As others have said, you’re on the cusp of something very deep. I eagerly look forward to the expansion, wherein we can see Fancy’s discomfiture rather than just hear about it.
#8 · 4
· · >>Fenton
Echoing the rest of the comments I'm afraid. Generally good, and it feels like the start of an interesting philosophical discussion, but it just kinda fades out before reaching anything grand (or galloping.) If anonymity means freedom from expectations, then he needs to cut loose and do something a tad wild. If anonymity means lack of responsibility, then he needs to do something rude or uncouth. If anonymity means no fear of social standings, then he should just kiss her!
#9 · 5
· · >>shinygiratinaz >>Fenton
>>FanOfMostEverything This. Only issue. Seriously.

Everyone guessing that it's Luna is horribly wrong. It's clearly Applejack. The characters are using weird diction that doesn't match their voices because that's part of the masquerade. If she weren't hiding her identity she'd say "WELL SHEWT Y'ALL LETS HAVE US HERE A GOOD OL' HOE-DOWN YEEHAW FANSEEPANTSEE"

and Fancy Pants would say "how crude."
#10 · 3
· · >>Fenton
>>Posh
I always knew Applejack was secretly a unicorn. :pinkiegasp:

I'm with most of the other comments here, in that I think this is a great idea that doesn't have enough room to shine. I feel bad saying that since I've said that on a few stories now and it should probably be expected since this is the minific round, but it's true. It feels like the start to a bigger idea instead of a story in itself. That said, I really hope you continue this, because this does feel like a pretty good start.
#11 · 1
· · >>Fenton
Nthing other comments, good scene, not so great standalone story. Presents a very nice idea, spectacular prompt fit, but doesn't develop it and suddenly ends. I hate dismissing such a nice scene that way, but yeah, format did a number on it, I don't get a satisfying resolution. Too many ellipsis in the early paragraphs, perhaps, watch out for that.
#12 ·
· · >>Fenton
Needs a cleanup pass. Lot of the phrasing could be better.

Decent scene, but doesn't feel too much like a complete story.

Also I accidentally zoned out at the beginning and thought the main character was Blueblood and the stallion was just a body double, allowing Blueblood to be sure nopony would guess it was him in the mask and that he'd really learn what ponies thought of him.
#13 · 3
· · >>Fenton
I want to offer some late encouragement here, Fenton: while neither I nor the crowd rated this particularly high on the finals ballot, it's the story I'm most looking forward to seeing on FIMFiction in an expanded form. For Writeoff purposes I have to evaluate how well the story works as a standalone piece, and this was hit especially cruelly by the 750-word cutoff. Basically, you have a marvelous Act 1 here which doesn't work by itself, but completing the story with Acts 2+3 is going to give you something magical.
#14 · 4
·
Okay, first thing to do; Thank you all for your comments. It seems that I've done way better than the last writeoff (32/34 hahaha). Like the last time, I'll reply to each one of you so if you're only looking for your reply, search your name below but you might miss something by doing so.


>>Fuzzyfurvert
couple of typos, but not bad. Cute little scene.


Thank you. Typos are still a big problem for me. Moreover, I finished and published this story a half-hour before the end of submissions so I didn't really have time to check it properly.

>>SPark
I have a funny feeling the pony in question is Princess Luna... But whether she is or not, I quite like this one. It feels like it could be the start of something else. It's a little weak as a stand-alone scene, but it would be a pretty strong intro to say a Fancy/Luna shipping fic or something of that nature.


Indeed the mare could be Luna but it could be anypony else ;)
About the fact that it is weak as a stand-alone scene, I was aware of that. It's just that I didn't have much time (nor enough words) to really work on it. The idea wasn't really to be a shipfic; it's more about a game of seduction between two ponies who don't know each other.

>>Orbiting_kettle
I generally hate saying this, but I think the minific format wasn't the best choice for this story.

What we get is still a beautiful scene with crisp dialogues. The setting is sparsely described, which was less of a problem than I thought it would be as I filled the void automatically.

There isn't much more I can say, sadly. While we get a glimpse at the characters, it's over before we can learn anything substantial. The premise is good, and it has the potential to be a splendid if slightly longer story.

Oh, and Twilight Zone as a situation of uncertainty and alienation in a social setting is an interesting and novel interpretation. Bravo.


Yep, it ends before anything can be really build-up, it's something that I'm actually working on in order to publish it on FimFic.
However, I'm glad that the dialog worked somehow. And I'm happy that the idea appealed to you, I was quite proud when I found it.^^

>>Astrarian
This is nice (I'm a fan of slice of life), but it didn't do much else for me. It's a masquerade ball, yet the story didn't manage to achieve the understated, mysterious air I feel fits the setting. Because Fancy Pants says everything on his mind immediately I never shared his feelings of alienation: in fact he starts talking about feeling lost before anything in behaviour suggests he is. The only mystery is in figuring out who the mare is, but it doesn't actually matter who she is, so it all felt a little flat as it stands right now.

Of course, I appreciate that this is a minific round, but I see you had words left, so I would've liked to have seen a bit more of Fancy before he meets the mare, for instance missing a social cue in a conversation or slinking to the side to avoid talking to people because he doesn't know how to read them. Something that fits with the understated atmosphere, leaves the setting clean, and shows me more of how he's feeling before he confirms it for me.


As I've said, I hadn't as much time as I wanted but I thank you for your suggestions. Some have already been applied to the new version that will be posted sooner than later (I hope).
I also must say that, since my first entry had confused everyone, I told myself that I should probably go for a more straightforward approach this time and it worked in a way.

>>Not_A_Hat
I feel like this falls juuuuust short of being able to Say Something about identity and anonymity, and how society uses them to deal with ideas like responsibility and privacy. That's too bad, but the story is enjoyable as-is. It's just a little... hmm, I dunno, light, maybe? It's probably closest to a character piece, but I don't think it connects me to them as strongly as I'd like. The central conceit is sound, but it's not making enough out of it, in one way or another, to be really exciting.


That was the other idea I had in mind, trying to say something about anonymity in society. I'll try to make it heavier for the revised version.

>>CoffeeMinion
Genre: Abbreviated romance/slice-of-life

Thoughts: I'll echo >>Astrarian in finding it a bit off that Fancy just comes out with everything on his mind. I suspect it was an attempt to help set the scene and ensconce Fancy as our hero who might undergo a journey of self-discovery, but I feel it was a little out-of-tune. I'll also second >>SPark in that this seems like a great intro to a shipfic.

Normally I pick on stories for failing to be "complete," and this seemed to reflect a conscious decision to use its remaining word count to develop the attraction between the characters rather than to deliver closure to the plot arc as a whole. And yet, I feel like the story made the right choice in doing what it did. The attraction ends up being the story's take-away, as well as the culmination of the plot. So it's not so much a romance as it is a tale of budding attraction. I think I'm okay with that, even though I want to know more.

Tier: Almost There.


The fact that Fancy Pants says everything on his mind was indeed the easy way to set the scene. With only two hours, you can't really make miracle :).
And if you still want to know more, be patient, I'm reworking it.

>>FanOfMostEverything

You were going strong until you made Fancy Pants say “way taller” as opposed to something less colloquial. Character voice is key.

Aside from that and a few proofreading flubs, this as generally good. As others have said, you’re on the cusp of something very deep. I eagerly look forward to the expansion, wherein we can see Fancy’s discomfiture rather than just hear about it.


I wasn't aware that "way taller" was informal. I still have trouble with language register but thank you for pointing this.

>>Xepher
Echoing the rest of the comments I'm afraid. Generally good, and it feels like the start of an interesting philosophical discussion, but it just kinda fades out before reaching anything grand (or galloping.) If anonymity means freedom from expectations, then he needs to cut loose and do something a tad wild. If anonymity means lack of responsibility, then he needs to do something rude or uncouth. If anonymity means no fear of social standings, then he should just kiss her!


I'll also echo my previous replies.
Without much time, I had to go directly to the point, to the price of losing subtlety. But your suggestions have been taken into account, thank you.

>>Posh
>>FanOfMostEverything This. Only issue. Seriously.

Everyone guessing that it's Luna is horribly wrong. It's clearly Applejack. The characters are using weird diction that doesn't match their voices because that's part of the masquerade. If she weren't hiding her identity she'd say "WELL SHEWT Y'ALL LETS HAVE US HERE A GOOD OL' HOE-DOWN YEEHAW FANSEEPANTSEE"

and Fancy Pants would say "how crude."


As I've already told you, you won best comment here, I laugh more than I should to this. And the could be a funny twist to a random version of this. "Ahah, I was Applejack all along!"

>>shinygiratinaz
>>Posh
I always knew Applejack was secretly a unicorn. :pinkiegasp:

I'm with most of the other comments here, in that I think this is a great idea that doesn't have enough room to shine. I feel bad saying that since I've said that on a few stories now and it should probably be expected since this is the minific round, but it's true. It feels like the start to a bigger idea instead of a story in itself. That said, I really hope you continue this, because this does feel like a pretty good start.


Even if the same comment can be made for many stories, it stil useful to make it. And indeed I'll continue this, I've been a bit frustrated with the result being so short and not so subtle.

>>Ranmilia
Nthing other comments, good scene, not so great standalone story. Presents a very nice idea, spectacular prompt fit, but doesn't develop it and suddenly ends. I hate dismissing such a nice scene that way, but yeah, format did a number on it, I don't get a satisfying resolution. Too many ellipsis in the early paragraphs, perhaps, watch out for that.


Ellipsis was the lazy way to describe the awkward feelings of Fancy Pants without having to really describe them. I take note of this.

>>AndrewRogue
Needs a cleanup pass. Lot of the phrasing could be better.

Decent scene, but doesn't feel too much like a complete story.

Also I accidentally zoned out at the beginning and thought the main character was Blueblood and the stallion was just a body double, allowing Blueblood to be sure nopony would guess it was him in the mask and that he'd really learn what ponies thought of him.


I hope you didn't zone out because of the way I wrote the story. If yes, I would like to know where it happened.


All in all, I'm happy to see that the story appealed to people both by how it fit into the prompt and by the budding attraction between Fancy Pants and Luna the mare, and I'm also happy to see that I've learned from my last entry (horrible epic fail).
I thank you again for having taken the time to read and comment. You guys are awesome.
And I also thank Rodger Dodger for giving us a place to do these contests.
#15 · 1
·
>>horizon
I'll expand it of course. I just need some time and an editor and Act 1 is almost finished. But regarding Act 2 and 3 I have some ideas but nothing specific. Right now, it's more an epilogue than anything else.