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A Good Life in Equestria
Celestia lifted her hoof and knocked. The door looked ordinary. The house looked ordinary. The small purple filly who opened the door also looked ordinary. "Hello there. You must be Twilight Sparkle. I'm Princess Celestia. May I come in?"
"Did you come to visit Mom and Dad?"
"Actually, I came to visit you."
"You did?" The filly seemed to perk up at that. "Did you know it's my birthday?"
"I did not, no,"
"It is! We're going to have ice cream!"
"That sounds nice."
"You can have some too, come on!"
Celestia ducked slightly and stepped inside. The house was the sort of house that most middle class ponies in Canterlot lived in. A colt with a white coat and a blue mane sat curled on a cushion on the living room, levitating a book. He was turned away from Celestia, and he seemed engrossed in what he was reading.
"That's my brother. He was in an accident, so all he does is sit and read now. It's nice, I know he enjoys reading. Books are wonderful." Twilight beamed at Celestia.
"Yes, they are." She smiled carefully back.
The pair continued into the dining room. A stallion with a blue coat was setting plates out on the table. "Daddy! It's my birthday today!" shouted Twilight happily.
"Another birthday? Do we really..." The stallion stopped when Twilight scowled at him. "Of course, it's your birthday. Ice cream for dinner, right?"
"Right!"
The stallion trotted into the kitchen. Looking after him, Celestia saw a gray mare with a purple mane. She had dark circles under her eyes. "Honey," said the stallion, "it's Twilight's birthday today. And we have a guest for dinner."
"...birthday?" The mare looked up, looking a little dazed. "Oh, yes, of course. I'll get out the ice cream."
"Do you have ice cream for dinner often, Twilight?" asked Celestia.
Twilight giggled. "Only on my birthday!"
"I see. Would you like to show me the rest of your home?"
"Twilight, dearest," broke in her mother, "maybe you could pick out what flavor of ice cream you want, while your father shows the princess around?"
"Okay!" Twilight bounced a bit on her hooves, apparently delighted. Celestia noted that the freezer seemed to be entirely full of ice cream. She walked beside the stallion as he led the way out of the dining room and up a flight of stairs. Books were piled here and there on the stairs. At the top he paused.
"Princess... please help us. She's a monster. She can..."
"You shouldn't say that." The voice behind them was high, but dark with menace. "Why did you say that? I don't want you to be my daddy anymore!" One of the books floated up in front of him, gasped in a magical field that was so strong it was almost white. It flipped open to an illustration of a dragon breathing fire. Suddenly the stallion vanished, and the illustration held a pony, twisted with pain, in the fire's path.
"Twilight... please, don't do this." Her mother's voice was shaky. "Please. Bring your father back. We'll give you ice cream every day, or anything else you want, I promise."
"I'm not bringing him back! He called me a monster!"
"Twilight, we love you, really we do, but you can't do these things. Please!"
"I can! I will! You'll see!" Her horn glowed again, and Celestia watched as Twilight's magic turned her mother into a potted plant. Then the little filly rounded on the towering alicorn. "Grownups are all the same, they all want to tell me what to do!" Her horn blazed, and her eyes began to glow. "I hate it! I hate everything! I want it all to go away!" Her magic raced out, a ring of white fire that left empty space as it expanded.
Twilight and Celestia were left standing alone in a blank nothingness.
"You're going to tell me what to do now, I know you are."
"No." Celestia shook her head. "I want to teach you what you can do."
"I can do anything."
"Perhaps. You have a very special gift. If you learn how to use it, you can make the world a wonderful place, Twilight. Let me teach you. I promise I will never simply tell you what to do."
The little filly looked up at the giant alicorn. For a long time she said nothing. Then she finally stepped close and leaned against Celestia's legs.
"Okay," she said, and the world returned.
"Did you come to visit Mom and Dad?"
"Actually, I came to visit you."
"You did?" The filly seemed to perk up at that. "Did you know it's my birthday?"
"I did not, no,"
"It is! We're going to have ice cream!"
"That sounds nice."
"You can have some too, come on!"
Celestia ducked slightly and stepped inside. The house was the sort of house that most middle class ponies in Canterlot lived in. A colt with a white coat and a blue mane sat curled on a cushion on the living room, levitating a book. He was turned away from Celestia, and he seemed engrossed in what he was reading.
"That's my brother. He was in an accident, so all he does is sit and read now. It's nice, I know he enjoys reading. Books are wonderful." Twilight beamed at Celestia.
"Yes, they are." She smiled carefully back.
The pair continued into the dining room. A stallion with a blue coat was setting plates out on the table. "Daddy! It's my birthday today!" shouted Twilight happily.
"Another birthday? Do we really..." The stallion stopped when Twilight scowled at him. "Of course, it's your birthday. Ice cream for dinner, right?"
"Right!"
The stallion trotted into the kitchen. Looking after him, Celestia saw a gray mare with a purple mane. She had dark circles under her eyes. "Honey," said the stallion, "it's Twilight's birthday today. And we have a guest for dinner."
"...birthday?" The mare looked up, looking a little dazed. "Oh, yes, of course. I'll get out the ice cream."
"Do you have ice cream for dinner often, Twilight?" asked Celestia.
Twilight giggled. "Only on my birthday!"
"I see. Would you like to show me the rest of your home?"
"Twilight, dearest," broke in her mother, "maybe you could pick out what flavor of ice cream you want, while your father shows the princess around?"
"Okay!" Twilight bounced a bit on her hooves, apparently delighted. Celestia noted that the freezer seemed to be entirely full of ice cream. She walked beside the stallion as he led the way out of the dining room and up a flight of stairs. Books were piled here and there on the stairs. At the top he paused.
"Princess... please help us. She's a monster. She can..."
"You shouldn't say that." The voice behind them was high, but dark with menace. "Why did you say that? I don't want you to be my daddy anymore!" One of the books floated up in front of him, gasped in a magical field that was so strong it was almost white. It flipped open to an illustration of a dragon breathing fire. Suddenly the stallion vanished, and the illustration held a pony, twisted with pain, in the fire's path.
"Twilight... please, don't do this." Her mother's voice was shaky. "Please. Bring your father back. We'll give you ice cream every day, or anything else you want, I promise."
"I'm not bringing him back! He called me a monster!"
"Twilight, we love you, really we do, but you can't do these things. Please!"
"I can! I will! You'll see!" Her horn glowed again, and Celestia watched as Twilight's magic turned her mother into a potted plant. Then the little filly rounded on the towering alicorn. "Grownups are all the same, they all want to tell me what to do!" Her horn blazed, and her eyes began to glow. "I hate it! I hate everything! I want it all to go away!" Her magic raced out, a ring of white fire that left empty space as it expanded.
Twilight and Celestia were left standing alone in a blank nothingness.
"You're going to tell me what to do now, I know you are."
"No." Celestia shook her head. "I want to teach you what you can do."
"I can do anything."
"Perhaps. You have a very special gift. If you learn how to use it, you can make the world a wonderful place, Twilight. Let me teach you. I promise I will never simply tell you what to do."
The little filly looked up at the giant alicorn. For a long time she said nothing. Then she finally stepped close and leaned against Celestia's legs.
"Okay," she said, and the world returned.
Ah, three stories in and I find a Twilight Zone episode! I wonder how many there will be? (I didn't watch the show a ton, so I will probably miss noticing some.) This suffers a bit from the length constraints, I think, but it's otherwise a perfectly good ponyfication of the episode in question.
“[Anthony] had taken the village someplace. Or had destroyed the world and left only the village, nobody knew which.”
—Jerome Bixby, It’s a Good Life
This piece in its brevity depends on borrowing some of the horror from its source, which is permissible, but then it weakens the punch further, IMO, by giving a hint towards a happy resolution. I also find myself wondering why Celestia hasn’t intervened earlier to save her world from this little Keter-class reality warper.
—Jerome Bixby, It’s a Good Life
This piece in its brevity depends on borrowing some of the horror from its source, which is permissible, but then it weakens the punch further, IMO, by giving a hint towards a happy resolution. I also find myself wondering why Celestia hasn’t intervened earlier to save her world from this little Keter-class reality warper.
The main issue I have with this one is it's a straight-up retelling of the Twilight Zone movie. Celestia is less random than the teacher, yes, but otherwise we're seeing the exact same sort of ending up to and including exploding everything by the reality warper.
It does fit into ponies, sure, but what more do you want to say with that? A subversion? Commentary? Right now it's a chop 'n swap.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>SPark
The movie redid It's A Good Life, and had this sort of ending in it. So the happy resolution fits the 2nd version of the original.
It does fit into ponies, sure, but what more do you want to say with that? A subversion? Commentary? Right now it's a chop 'n swap.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>SPark
The movie redid It's A Good Life, and had this sort of ending in it. So the happy resolution fits the 2nd version of the original.
Having not seen the episode or movie that this had a basis in, I found myself a bit taken out of this story. It felt very fast, with situations and emotions flipping like switches throughout the story. I also didn't feel like Celestia or Twilight acted much like their canon behaviors, though I'm not certain if this is actually supposed to be a precursor to FiM or an alternate universe. Overall it seems like an interesting concept with hazy execution.
I agree with everyone else, this feels very rushed.
Now, I won't fault you for trying to retell a classic story with ponies. It can work well, and you really were onto something with this particular story. However, I feel that in trying to make it a 1:1 translation to pony, you watered down the potential the story had.
In general, I try not to suggest how a story could have been better beyond a few conceptual aspects--since this is your vision and not mine-- so feel free to ignore me, but there is one thing I hope you consider.
What would have happened if the entire story had just been a conversation between Twilight and Celestia, and all the hints to her reality-bending powers had happened in the background, with Celestia only noticing them in a passing glance as she keeps focused on the little filly?
I think streamlining it that way could have helped you tighten the narrative without losing the core of the original Twilight Zone story.
Now, I won't fault you for trying to retell a classic story with ponies. It can work well, and you really were onto something with this particular story. However, I feel that in trying to make it a 1:1 translation to pony, you watered down the potential the story had.
In general, I try not to suggest how a story could have been better beyond a few conceptual aspects--since this is your vision and not mine-- so feel free to ignore me, but there is one thing I hope you consider.
What would have happened if the entire story had just been a conversation between Twilight and Celestia, and all the hints to her reality-bending powers had happened in the background, with Celestia only noticing them in a passing glance as she keeps focused on the little filly?
I think streamlining it that way could have helped you tighten the narrative without losing the core of the original Twilight Zone story.
Someone - I think it was Orson Scott Card? - once wrote a thing on horror, terror, and dread, the three types of fear commonly used in writing. IIRC, he used dread as 'being afraid of something that's going to happen', terror as 'the fear as it reveals itself', and horror as 'the reaction to something that's happened'.
Whether or not this classification is really right or not, I think it's useful for this story. From the opening up to the 'she's a monster' line, your story would be working with dread. From that line until they end up in the blankness, it's terror, and anything after that would be horror.
Here, in my opinion, is part of what makes it seem so crunched.
Starts the dread too late, ends too soon - there's several paragraphs before the 'another birthday' line, which is where the 'something's off' feeling actually begins to build. And then it's cut off as it begins to escalate, when Twilight interrupts her dad. As my emotions began moving in one direction, a sudden shift cut them off.
Too much/too disconnected terror - because the dread wasn't built up enough, the terror that does come didn't connect to me as solidly as it could otherwise. As a result, the amount that's included seems too emphatic and not earned enough.
No room for horror - There's no examination of how her actions were tragic. It shifts quickly to 'everything's going to be better now' with barely a moment to breathe, a happy-ish ending stifling any following feelings before they can grow. Also, Twilight was convinced really quick, and with very little rationalization. If the import of her actions were given a moment to sink in, they could be used to justify the 180 her attitude makes.
Anyways, I think if you want to improve this, it needs to have its emotional profile re-factored. Well, even despite that, there's the consideration that it's basically a straight adaption of a Twilight Zone episode. /shrug. The idea is still as good as it was then, even if straight re-use makes it feel rather derivative.
Whether or not this classification is really right or not, I think it's useful for this story. From the opening up to the 'she's a monster' line, your story would be working with dread. From that line until they end up in the blankness, it's terror, and anything after that would be horror.
Here, in my opinion, is part of what makes it seem so crunched.
Starts the dread too late, ends too soon - there's several paragraphs before the 'another birthday' line, which is where the 'something's off' feeling actually begins to build. And then it's cut off as it begins to escalate, when Twilight interrupts her dad. As my emotions began moving in one direction, a sudden shift cut them off.
Too much/too disconnected terror - because the dread wasn't built up enough, the terror that does come didn't connect to me as solidly as it could otherwise. As a result, the amount that's included seems too emphatic and not earned enough.
No room for horror - There's no examination of how her actions were tragic. It shifts quickly to 'everything's going to be better now' with barely a moment to breathe, a happy-ish ending stifling any following feelings before they can grow. Also, Twilight was convinced really quick, and with very little rationalization. If the import of her actions were given a moment to sink in, they could be used to justify the 180 her attitude makes.
Anyways, I think if you want to improve this, it needs to have its emotional profile re-factored. Well, even despite that, there's the consideration that it's basically a straight adaption of a Twilight Zone episode. /shrug. The idea is still as good as it was then, even if straight re-use makes it feel rather derivative.
I didn't recognize this as a retelling of a Twilight Zone episode, so I'll try to judge ignoring that, as my normal reaction is negative to search/replace ponifications unless they really add something new.
So, on its own, this story hit the right note with the dark vibe on the "always your birthday" line. The brother who had an accident was also a nice touch. But it fails to deliver on that dark premise. Instead it just kinda escalates, the parents immediately ask for help, the psionic immediately punishes, and then suddenly we're in white-out-land and one promise to "teach" converts her to good and she's physically affectionate? No, far too rushed. You have to set up a brat as a brat, or the parents as actually evil (or at least uncaring) but in either case, why would she seek the affection of Celestia then, if she didn't know it already?
So yeah, hits a nifty horror note, but the rest falls apart I'm afraid.
So, on its own, this story hit the right note with the dark vibe on the "always your birthday" line. The brother who had an accident was also a nice touch. But it fails to deliver on that dark premise. Instead it just kinda escalates, the parents immediately ask for help, the psionic immediately punishes, and then suddenly we're in white-out-land and one promise to "teach" converts her to good and she's physically affectionate? No, far too rushed. You have to set up a brat as a brat, or the parents as actually evil (or at least uncaring) but in either case, why would she seek the affection of Celestia then, if she didn't know it already?
So yeah, hits a nifty horror note, but the rest falls apart I'm afraid.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I personally disagree that the ending weakens the story. I'm familiar with the original short story "It's a Good Life", and based on that alone would expect a dark ending -- so having Celestia instead save the day by promising to take Twilight under her wing felt surprisingly awesome. The story's overall mood is also quite good, with chilling elements such as Twilight's brother whose fate is just hinted at.
I personally disagree that the ending weakens the story. I'm familiar with the original short story "It's a Good Life", and based on that alone would expect a dark ending -- so having Celestia instead save the day by promising to take Twilight under her wing felt surprisingly awesome. The story's overall mood is also quite good, with chilling elements such as Twilight's brother whose fate is just hinted at.
Well it's Twilight Zone done with ponies. I remember this story in the movie and it executes it really as well as faithfully as it could be done.
Alas, I called the twist as soon as Shining Armor appeared, and hoped I was wrong, but I wasn't... and I'm not even familiar with the Twilight Zone episode/movie in question. So I can't comment on the charges of chop and swap, but I can say that this was unfortunately predictable, and predicting it took the enjoyment out of it. Nothing out of the ordinary happens once you know the premise. Twilight does her thing, is exposed, confronted, immediately relents, boom done. >>Not_A_Hat hits it on the head for a more in-depth examination of how to do horror, and >>Xepher says everything I have to say on the quick escalation and lack of anything past bare bones beats.
I do like the dialogue and diction used (assuming they aren't pulled verbatim from TTZ, but it doesn't sound like they are?) so that's a point in favor. There's potential here, that's what makes me sad. You could do this idea so much better.
Here's an example from just the previous FIM writeoff. Come back and be creative!
I do like the dialogue and diction used (assuming they aren't pulled verbatim from TTZ, but it doesn't sound like they are?) so that's a point in favor. There's potential here, that's what makes me sad. You could do this idea so much better.
Here's an example from just the previous FIM writeoff. Come back and be creative!
>>SPark
No worries, no offense taken. But to answer the question... yes. The real challenge of a minific is to come up with a story that fits such a short format. Cramming a bigger tale into the space isn't some "instant failure", but it does mean lower marks, at least from me. I don't mean to disparage authors that submit something anyway, that's fine, but stories that fit the format best are what I rank highest. I've personally abandoned or re-written half a dozen fics of my own when it became clear they were too long. Actually, one of my favorite stories I ever wrote started as a minific, but was too long to fit and do right, so I abandoned it in the contest, finished it, and put it up on fimfic instead. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/256749/you-cant-have-everything-your-way
No worries, no offense taken. But to answer the question... yes. The real challenge of a minific is to come up with a story that fits such a short format. Cramming a bigger tale into the space isn't some "instant failure", but it does mean lower marks, at least from me. I don't mean to disparage authors that submit something anyway, that's fine, but stories that fit the format best are what I rank highest. I've personally abandoned or re-written half a dozen fics of my own when it became clear they were too long. Actually, one of my favorite stories I ever wrote started as a minific, but was too long to fit and do right, so I abandoned it in the contest, finished it, and put it up on fimfic instead. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/256749/you-cant-have-everything-your-way