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>>FanOfMostEverything
It probably doesn't help that I had no impetus to watch Magical Mystery Cure a second time. I was remembering where she reappeared (I think), but my memory of that one is very sketchy.
It probably doesn't help that I had no impetus to watch Magical Mystery Cure a second time. I was remembering where she reappeared (I think), but my memory of that one is very sketchy.
This left me underwhelmed, honestly. The buildup fell flat for me, and while the ending was kind of amusing, it wasn’t anywhere near the payoff you were going for. Not sure how you could pick this up, but a story that revolves around Cakelestia isn’t my cup of tea to begin with.
This desperately needs more. It’s a great beginning, but it’s clearly the story of how the superstrong hedgehog filly got her cutie mark… and we don’t get to see that. I’m looking forward to seeing the story get finished, but until then, it just stops in the middle of Lily’s ruminations. (Also, a timeskip to Tiara apologizing would be nice. Not necessary, but nice.)
This does a good job of fleshing out the moment, but the moment didn’t really need fleshing out. Don’t get me wrong, this is good work, but it feels superfluous.
First: what the hell, Cheerilee? Felt grumpy today and took it out on your students?
Now to the story. While the inciting incident seems a bit contrived, and her mother is even harsher than in the show, but that are secondary things. It is an interesting look at Diamond Tiara while she is trying to change. The ideas are all there and the narration mostly works, but the final part feels a bit rushed, courtesy of the word limit I suppose.
It needs probably just a bit more room to breath.
Now to the story. While the inciting incident seems a bit contrived, and her mother is even harsher than in the show, but that are secondary things. It is an interesting look at Diamond Tiara while she is trying to change. The ideas are all there and the narration mostly works, but the final part feels a bit rushed, courtesy of the word limit I suppose.
It needs probably just a bit more room to breath.
Okay, this is definitely the best I’ve read so far.
Coalesced really?
Your body was found unresponsive sounds like Trixie's an ponydroid (hippodroid)?
It’s crazy to the brim, a bit cliché here and there (funeral under the rain, Trixie’s behaviour). But my main gripe would be the lack of internal logic. She can’t die twice, so I have to assume Twilight Sparkle will throw her body in some deserted alleyway, wait for two days and pretend she was found dead, which is very unlikely. Fridge logic!
Coalesced really?
Your body was found unresponsive sounds like Trixie's an ponydroid (hippodroid)?
It’s crazy to the brim, a bit cliché here and there (funeral under the rain, Trixie’s behaviour). But my main gripe would be the lack of internal logic. She can’t die twice, so I have to assume Twilight Sparkle will throw her body in some deserted alleyway, wait for two days and pretend she was found dead, which is very unlikely. Fridge logic!
This kind of story.... it's an explanation, rather than an experience. Don't get me wrong, it's pretty good within the bounds of "let Pinkie explain her philosophy." I especially liked the line about Rarity's funeral, that was a pretty good argument. But I find this type of explanation story to be very safe and limited (as I've learned myself through trial and error). It doesn't have the potential of immersing the reader in an experience to deliver the same message.
I apologize that my critique here is kinda sounding like "write completely different." but as a really simple example.... instead of characters talking about the hypothetical funeral, what if you wrote about the funeral itself happening? the latter would be much riskier, but it just might stick around in the memory longer.
I apologize that my critique here is kinda sounding like "write completely different." but as a really simple example.... instead of characters talking about the hypothetical funeral, what if you wrote about the funeral itself happening? the latter would be much riskier, but it just might stick around in the memory longer.
>>Calipony
I went and read this b/c you pointed me to it in the (Discord) forum. I think the implication (given the last line) is Twilight is going to timeport Trixie's body back two days to the place it was found in the alley in order to complete the time loop, since there's really nothing else she can do to help. That would explain why nopony has seen Trixie in 20 years.
I'll wait to review it until I have a chance to rank it.
I went and read this b/c you pointed me to it in the (Discord) forum. I think the implication (given the last line) is Twilight is going to timeport Trixie's body back two days to the place it was found in the alley in order to complete the time loop, since there's really nothing else she can do to help. That would explain why nopony has seen Trixie in 20 years.
I'll wait to review it until I have a chance to rank it.
Oh wow. There’s low, and then there’s low. You may have gone a bit too far with the brothers’ schemes, but that’s up for debate. In the end, while the Flimflams were a bit more ruthless than I care for, this was still a very enjoyable read.
This story gave me a chuckle, but would be made better by the addition of this as a final paragraph:
Twilight turned to the mare who'd handed her the story and sighed. "Derpy, I beg you. Please stop writing fanfiction."
Yikes. You’re going to want to use either more line breaks or indentation to prevent the wall of text effect on display here.
Others have already broken down the story’s issues: Rushed pacing, telling over showing, the inexplicable choice to never identify Bonbon, and so forth. Furthermore, Octavia is just kind of… there. She’s there to lend a semblance of conflict and tension that might work in a longer piece. Her dialogue near the end is forced and stilted to fit in another prompt drop in case the reader didn’t catch the first one.
Still, as has been said, there is a promising idea here. You just need to give it the space and time it needs to truly shine.
Others have already broken down the story’s issues: Rushed pacing, telling over showing, the inexplicable choice to never identify Bonbon, and so forth. Furthermore, Octavia is just kind of… there. She’s there to lend a semblance of conflict and tension that might work in a longer piece. Her dialogue near the end is forced and stilted to fit in another prompt drop in case the reader didn’t catch the first one.
Still, as has been said, there is a promising idea here. You just need to give it the space and time it needs to truly shine.
I must be dense, because unlike others I didn't see the end coming here. :-)
This is fun and well-constructed. I have to disagree with >>Orbiting_kettle though; I think it would end too abruptly without the last bits, and it would remove some of the clarity that dense individuals such as myself benefit from in confirming that the joke is what we think it is.
This will go high on my slate. My only request might be some further confirmation of whether these are pre- or post-mark CMCs. It feels pre-mark, though, considering what got them into their predicament.
This is fun and well-constructed. I have to disagree with >>Orbiting_kettle though; I think it would end too abruptly without the last bits, and it would remove some of the clarity that dense individuals such as myself benefit from in confirming that the joke is what we think it is.
This will go high on my slate. My only request might be some further confirmation of whether these are pre- or post-mark CMCs. It feels pre-mark, though, considering what got them into their predicament.
Wow. That is one acute case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome in the first paragraph.
Um… huh. That was kind of pointless. Why were those ponies actually doing this? Did they seriously think this plan would work? Even before the bear got involved, chopping down the rare tree was going to look suspicious. Sorry, but with villains this stupid, I just couldn’t get engaged. I suppose this might work better if I were more familiar with the book, but as is, you lost me.
"—and because of that," Fluttershy entered earshot, "we need to tear it down!”By making that a single sentence, you make it sound like Fluttershy says that as she enters the conversation.
Um… huh. That was kind of pointless. Why were those ponies actually doing this? Did they seriously think this plan would work? Even before the bear got involved, chopping down the rare tree was going to look suspicious. Sorry, but with villains this stupid, I just couldn’t get engaged. I suppose this might work better if I were more familiar with the book, but as is, you lost me.
Oh my.
I'm easy bait for a well-written Rarity freakout. I also live and breathe absurdity. This story is, therefore, "my jam," as I believe the foals would put it.
Yes there are a bare handful of typos, though sadly they are quite noticeable. The writing is otherwise magnificent, and the concept is strong.
Dear author, I'd gladly read as much more of this as you'd care to write.
I'm easy bait for a well-written Rarity freakout. I also live and breathe absurdity. This story is, therefore, "my jam," as I believe the foals would put it.
Yes there are a bare handful of typos, though sadly they are quite noticeable. The writing is otherwise magnificent, and the concept is strong.
Dear author, I'd gladly read as much more of this as you'd care to write.
I don't agree with >>FanOfMostEverything . Not naming the love interest was a mistake, because it's clear we were supposed to pick up on it. The first five words following "iris" suggest the interest must be Rainbow Dash, but the rest of the words in that sentence (and the sentences which follow) also suggest Twilight or Luna. There are very strong clues, but they're inconsistent, and it's frustrating.
I don't agree with >>Orbiting_kettle either. I like the idea, but I don't see any evidence for it in the text. However, there are at least two hints that Fluttershy feels something for the same pony Rarity loves! This adds more weight to the Rainbow Dash theory, above.
Author, you cut me to the quick. My angst aside, this is a huge distraction if you're not intentionally trying to reference Spike, the only pony on the show who has shown romantic interest in Rarity (not to mention the only canon non-married ship). If you did mean Spike, you need to add a little more to this. What you're doing with this story is very good, but you're an ounce too subtle on several fronts.
Don't be afraid to open up to the readers. They'll love you back, I promise.
I don't agree with >>Orbiting_kettle either. I like the idea, but I don't see any evidence for it in the text. However, there are at least two hints that Fluttershy feels something for the same pony Rarity loves! This adds more weight to the Rainbow Dash theory, above.
Odd, how facing her is harder than facing a dragon.
Author, you cut me to the quick. My angst aside, this is a huge distraction if you're not intentionally trying to reference Spike, the only pony on the show who has shown romantic interest in Rarity (not to mention the only canon non-married ship). If you did mean Spike, you need to add a little more to this. What you're doing with this story is very good, but you're an ounce too subtle on several fronts.
Don't be afraid to open up to the readers. They'll love you back, I promise.
Is it better to live long or live well? This faces the issue well, though it’s clear where the author’s sympathy lies. I enjoyed this, and it can only benefit from more space for greater nuance.
>>RogerDodger
The message numbers are incorrect in the story threads. They reset to 1, 2, 3, and so on, but using those numbers in replies will instead link you back to the main forum. The numbers in the story threads should probably be set to match the overall number rather than autonumbering them separately.
The message numbers are incorrect in the story threads. They reset to 1, 2, 3, and so on, but using those numbers in replies will instead link you back to the main forum. The numbers in the story threads should probably be set to match the overall number rather than autonumbering them separately.
Wow. Extremely powerful descriptions. Gripping scene-setting. Tense and urgent throughout.
Nitpick: Twilight is not an art. (There's one line that reads funky and implies this.)
Nitpick: Twilight is not an art. (There's one line that reads funky and implies this.)
I’m having a lot of trouble telling who’s saying what in the first conversation. I’m not sure if there are multiple speakers in single paragraphs or what, but it’s really hard to track for some reason.
As for the end… I think I understand it. In all, this needs some proofreading and clarification. The logic just doesn’t hold up as is.
>>Trick_Question
Because Carapace cut herself off from the hivemind, she didn’t know the invasion had been repelled, and thus she and Moon Glow have been hiding and starving for no reason. Of course, that doesn’t explain why nopony has looked for them in all that time.
As for the end… I think I understand it. In all, this needs some proofreading and clarification. The logic just doesn’t hold up as is.
>>Trick_Question
Because Carapace cut herself off from the hivemind, she didn’t know the invasion had been repelled, and thus she and Moon Glow have been hiding and starving for no reason. Of course, that doesn’t explain why nopony has looked for them in all that time.
...what?
I have literally no idea what just happened.
I'm going to abstain on the basis that I strongly suspect this is a case of me not understanding, rather than the work lacking merit.
I have literally no idea what just happened.
I'm going to abstain on the basis that I strongly suspect this is a case of me not understanding, rather than the work lacking merit.
Cheering and sparklers… during a funeral procession. There had better be a good explanation for this.
Ah, so there was, though you’re going to want to work on some of the phrasing. Some attempts to sound erudite come out awkward, like “jubilation implements” and “Juice became the company of spirits and flower-wines.” There’s a fine idea here; it just needs some polish.
Ah, so there was, though you’re going to want to work on some of the phrasing. Some attempts to sound erudite come out awkward, like “jubilation implements” and “Juice became the company of spirits and flower-wines.” There’s a fine idea here; it just needs some polish.
Passively saying "the other mare" is not a good way to introduce two characters at once. If you need to hide the identities of the two speakers, try "said the first mare" and "said the second" at the beginning.
I'm not sure what you gain by hiding that information from the reader, however. It isn't a twist if the reader has no idea what's going on until the end of the story. A twist is when you subvert reader expectations, not when you confuse them by withholding vital information for the entire story. Trying to follow what's going on here is incredibly frustrating because we don't know who the characters are or have the slightest clue what they're talking about. You're trying too hard to be sneaky and it makes for an annoying mess, I fear.
Somehow I still figured out who the characters were even before the book titles were given, despite how the relationship between the two of them doesn't make sense. Their worldviews are so different I have a hard time imagining one of them could be the "student" of the other, in particular given how much they highlight their differences in the conversation. Further, you really don't call someone a "megalomaniac" on friendly terms, even as a joke (that isn't a condition that comes with insight).
The phrase "probably greater than you" should be dropped, it's awkward and superfluous.
I'm not sure what you gain by hiding that information from the reader, however. It isn't a twist if the reader has no idea what's going on until the end of the story. A twist is when you subvert reader expectations, not when you confuse them by withholding vital information for the entire story. Trying to follow what's going on here is incredibly frustrating because we don't know who the characters are or have the slightest clue what they're talking about. You're trying too hard to be sneaky and it makes for an annoying mess, I fear.
Somehow I still figured out who the characters were even before the book titles were given, despite how the relationship between the two of them doesn't make sense. Their worldviews are so different I have a hard time imagining one of them could be the "student" of the other, in particular given how much they highlight their differences in the conversation. Further, you really don't call someone a "megalomaniac" on friendly terms, even as a joke (that isn't a condition that comes with insight).
The phrase "probably greater than you" should be dropped, it's awkward and superfluous.
This ended up not working for me. It’s an interesting approach, but it felt off-puttingly pretentious, and I couldn’t get a firm grasp on the context. Is it a review, a retrospective, liner notes of the thirtieth anniversary re-release, what? The colors of the tracks also have no clear meaning. I’m not sure what you were going for with this experiment, but my trial turned up negative results. Sorry.
Good to see Chrysalis views her fanbase with as much incredulity as I do. ;)
In all seriousness, very nice work. Chryssy comes off believably, not besotted with this improbable paramour, but still moved. Her heart’s made of ooze, not stone. I don’t know what to make of the “waves of hunger” line, though; I thought she might be suffering from some sort of malnutrition or diminishing returns, but it wasn’t clear. Still, great work.
In all seriousness, very nice work. Chryssy comes off believably, not besotted with this improbable paramour, but still moved. Her heart’s made of ooze, not stone. I don’t know what to make of the “waves of hunger” line, though; I thought she might be suffering from some sort of malnutrition or diminishing returns, but it wasn’t clear. Still, great work.
>>Trick_Question
Oh yes I was suspecting this, but it's unclear at best, at least in my opinion. And I wouldn't expect Spike to figure this out by himself.
Oh yes I was suspecting this, but it's unclear at best, at least in my opinion. And I wouldn't expect Spike to figure this out by himself.
>>Calipony
Well, Spike is twenty years older, give the guy some credit. I somehow expect that in two decades as assistant he has seen his share of disasters, time-loops and assorted madness.
Well, Spike is twenty years older, give the guy some credit. I somehow expect that in two decades as assistant he has seen his share of disasters, time-loops and assorted madness.
>>Trick_Question
The Rainbow Dash theory seems sound. I think the hints you saw pointing to Fluttershy longing for the same pony as Rarity was by me interpreted as Fluttershy feels this way toward Rarity. The being brave was by me associated with Rarity finally making her move, not with RD.
The Rainbow Dash theory seems sound. I think the hints you saw pointing to Fluttershy longing for the same pony as Rarity was by me interpreted as Fluttershy feels this way toward Rarity. The being brave was by me associated with Rarity finally making her move, not with RD.
>>Orbiting_kettle
The title really throws a wrench in the works too. From a Bayesian perspective, I can't imagine that the story whose interpretation I made would have generated this title... unless I'm the Dim one in the Dark. :P
The title really throws a wrench in the works too. From a Bayesian perspective, I can't imagine that the story whose interpretation I made would have generated this title... unless I'm the Dim one in the Dark. :P
Well, it's not bad, but it's not outstanding either. Gilda is correctly depicted, but I've no idea who Limestone Pie is and why he defends that boulder with so much energy, so I feel I'm missing something. Besides, I agree with most people here: there's a skirmish, then the final message feels a bit forced, because I just didn't get why the pony couldn't put up with Gilda staying for a while on his boulder.
>>QuillScratch
I wish fishonfire would take this competition more seriously. The Writeoffs are more than just a source of cheap amusement.
I get it, of course. If you lampshade yourself at the beginning, you can't be accused of actually trying to succeed, so it hurts much less if and when you fail. That's what you're doing. I can see through you like a crocodilian icefish.
This isn't the right way to go about things. You have to accept risk and critique to grow as an artist; it isn't optional.
The ironic thing is, you're a good writer. That said, here are my critiques.
This is a very telly approach to telling a story, which is hard to pull off, but you did it well. I still think it'd be better with flashbacks than solid tell, though.
I think you need a clearer indication that the second-pony character is a royal guard, and a little more resolution at the end. Things still feel a little up-in-the-air when the piece is over and I think a lot of readers might feel they didn't understand the take-away.
I wish fishonfire would take this competition more seriously. The Writeoffs are more than just a source of cheap amusement.
I get it, of course. If you lampshade yourself at the beginning, you can't be accused of actually trying to succeed, so it hurts much less if and when you fail. That's what you're doing. I can see through you like a crocodilian icefish.
This isn't the right way to go about things. You have to accept risk and critique to grow as an artist; it isn't optional.
The ironic thing is, you're a good writer. That said, here are my critiques.
This is a very telly approach to telling a story, which is hard to pull off, but you did it well. I still think it'd be better with flashbacks than solid tell, though.
I think you need a clearer indication that the second-pony character is a royal guard, and a little more resolution at the end. Things still feel a little up-in-the-air when the piece is over and I think a lot of readers might feel they didn't understand the take-away.
Well, of course the most-discussed fic so far happens to be first on my ballot. I'd say "What are the chances?" but knowing my luck this was probably guaranteed.
As a story, this piece doesn't tread very much new ground. I'll be honest: I felt like it said nothing I hadn't heard before, which isn't in itself a bad thing but does make it a lot harder for your writing to stick out. What this piece really needed to do is to tell me the same stuff I've heard before in a new way—and that, to me, is where it fell down, because a simple dialogue-based character piece isn't going to cut it.
Which is a real shame, because this is quite an excellent dialogue-based character piece. Pinkie in particular came across fantastically, as >>CoffeeMinion mentioned, but Twilight's own quirks and ways of thinking made their way through in little ways that didn't need to rely on cliché. And, remarkably, it feels like a well-rounded scene—often, pieces like this can come across as directionless, or rushed, but you've played the pacing well and managed to give the piece the right kind of "emotional journey", for lack of a better phrase.
So why wasn't that enough to make this a great piece? Two major problems stand out to me, and I want to cover them both in detail:
Conclusion: there's one spot in this entire piece where the pacing feels off, which sucks because the rest is so well-paced that it seems clear to me this momentary lapse was either an effect of deadlines or word counts. The very ending of the story seems to come almost too early: Pinkie rushes off to clear up the problem before the reader has fully had a chance to acknowledge it. The way you've written it at the moment, it pretty much reads like "Twilight is unhappy that this party might be a bit gloomy, so Pinkie immediately fixes it"—I'm not one to often go around shouting about the importance of conflict in writing, but I will point out than when the conflict of a piece is immediately resolved it makes that conflict feel redundant. Give the reader, and Twilight, time to worry about the problem before it's solved, and your conclusion will probably be an awful lot more satisfying.
That said, I do like your conclusion. It keeps that tone of "understated character exploration" that the rest of the piece has, just putting the characters there and letting them act rather than forcing them into caricatures of themselves; more importantly, it has a sweet and emotionally satisfying final line—equally befitting that tone—that captures a wonderful lightness and a carefree tone, which for me is a perfect example of how slice-of-life stories should feel. Well done, author. That was good!
Technical errors: Okay, there aren't any great offenders beside maybe one or two typos, and technically this piece stands comfortably on its own two legs. But there are moments where your prose seems a little off to me—it feels like it's skirting around what it's really trying to say, flirting with ideas only tangentially related to its message. Of particular note is the first sentence (where, incidentally, I'm not convinced by that comma usage. Somebody better-qualified than myself could clarify this, but I suspect a colon, or something similar, is what you'd want there), which is a very important sentence in any story. If your first sentence gives the readers the impression that a story is going to be about one topic (in this case, directly focusing on Twilight becoming a Princess) and the story moves off on a tangent from there (in this case, a party more directly related to Twilight disappearing before her ascension than her actual alicornhood), it's probably not the best choice.
A lot of other parts of your prose do similar things and, though it's not so much an actual problem with your writing than it is my personal taste, I think the piece would be better off if you occasionally addressed the subject matter a little more directly. The entire opening paragraph's message is, really, "Twilight has gotten used to the whole inconvenience of people bowing to her and how she has to tell them to stop, and she's already started to account for that in her planning." The latter two parts of that are great things to have to infer—it's what makes this such a good character piece, after all—and the first part is addressed in the paragraph, as it should be. I worry, though, that the way you've addressed it takes all the focus of the paragraph off it, as it's used in a sentence that subverts the expectations of the one before it. The meaning of the paragraph is hidden away behind a bunch of false leads, and that just feels off to me.
Speaking of that second sentence, I figured I'd just take a moment here to say that I'm not at all a fan of your use of "However". It's not wrong, but it feels like absolutely the wrong place in the story to use an interjection like that—give your readers at least a little time to settle on an idea before shaking things up with something like that!
All in all, this is a piece with a good deal of promise. I love your treatment of the characters here and even though I gave you some flack for the ideas seeming a little lacking in originality, I have to give you credit for the fact that they were quite enjoyable. Thank you, author. I had fun with this one.
As a story, this piece doesn't tread very much new ground. I'll be honest: I felt like it said nothing I hadn't heard before, which isn't in itself a bad thing but does make it a lot harder for your writing to stick out. What this piece really needed to do is to tell me the same stuff I've heard before in a new way—and that, to me, is where it fell down, because a simple dialogue-based character piece isn't going to cut it.
Which is a real shame, because this is quite an excellent dialogue-based character piece. Pinkie in particular came across fantastically, as >>CoffeeMinion mentioned, but Twilight's own quirks and ways of thinking made their way through in little ways that didn't need to rely on cliché. And, remarkably, it feels like a well-rounded scene—often, pieces like this can come across as directionless, or rushed, but you've played the pacing well and managed to give the piece the right kind of "emotional journey", for lack of a better phrase.
So why wasn't that enough to make this a great piece? Two major problems stand out to me, and I want to cover them both in detail:
Conclusion: there's one spot in this entire piece where the pacing feels off, which sucks because the rest is so well-paced that it seems clear to me this momentary lapse was either an effect of deadlines or word counts. The very ending of the story seems to come almost too early: Pinkie rushes off to clear up the problem before the reader has fully had a chance to acknowledge it. The way you've written it at the moment, it pretty much reads like "Twilight is unhappy that this party might be a bit gloomy, so Pinkie immediately fixes it"—I'm not one to often go around shouting about the importance of conflict in writing, but I will point out than when the conflict of a piece is immediately resolved it makes that conflict feel redundant. Give the reader, and Twilight, time to worry about the problem before it's solved, and your conclusion will probably be an awful lot more satisfying.
That said, I do like your conclusion. It keeps that tone of "understated character exploration" that the rest of the piece has, just putting the characters there and letting them act rather than forcing them into caricatures of themselves; more importantly, it has a sweet and emotionally satisfying final line—equally befitting that tone—that captures a wonderful lightness and a carefree tone, which for me is a perfect example of how slice-of-life stories should feel. Well done, author. That was good!
Technical errors: Okay, there aren't any great offenders beside maybe one or two typos, and technically this piece stands comfortably on its own two legs. But there are moments where your prose seems a little off to me—it feels like it's skirting around what it's really trying to say, flirting with ideas only tangentially related to its message. Of particular note is the first sentence (where, incidentally, I'm not convinced by that comma usage. Somebody better-qualified than myself could clarify this, but I suspect a colon, or something similar, is what you'd want there), which is a very important sentence in any story. If your first sentence gives the readers the impression that a story is going to be about one topic (in this case, directly focusing on Twilight becoming a Princess) and the story moves off on a tangent from there (in this case, a party more directly related to Twilight disappearing before her ascension than her actual alicornhood), it's probably not the best choice.
A lot of other parts of your prose do similar things and, though it's not so much an actual problem with your writing than it is my personal taste, I think the piece would be better off if you occasionally addressed the subject matter a little more directly. The entire opening paragraph's message is, really, "Twilight has gotten used to the whole inconvenience of people bowing to her and how she has to tell them to stop, and she's already started to account for that in her planning." The latter two parts of that are great things to have to infer—it's what makes this such a good character piece, after all—and the first part is addressed in the paragraph, as it should be. I worry, though, that the way you've addressed it takes all the focus of the paragraph off it, as it's used in a sentence that subverts the expectations of the one before it. The meaning of the paragraph is hidden away behind a bunch of false leads, and that just feels off to me.
Speaking of that second sentence, I figured I'd just take a moment here to say that I'm not at all a fan of your use of "However". It's not wrong, but it feels like absolutely the wrong place in the story to use an interjection like that—give your readers at least a little time to settle on an idea before shaking things up with something like that!
All in all, this is a piece with a good deal of promise. I love your treatment of the characters here and even though I gave you some flack for the ideas seeming a little lacking in originality, I have to give you credit for the fact that they were quite enjoyable. Thank you, author. I had fun with this one.
single pony one of them
The "pony" insert makes no sense here.
>>Orbiting_kettle
I don't think this was an allegory for simple fears. I think it's clear that the supernatural component was real, and Sweetie is dying.
I think the author could stand to make things a little clearer than they are, though. The resolution didn't give me the impression that Sweetie had learned acceptance, only that she was tired.
This is fantastic. I love it.
great descriptive lines:
Unlike the others, I think I like the story just fine without a conclusion. It's solid enough as it is, and feels complete. As I read it, this fic was oddly synched to my wavelength. as I wondered, "is Daring truthfully going to come back?" the story brought up the same point. then asking Pumpernickel to do the same, though his "I'm sorry" could be meant either as reassurance or a betrayal. I'm not sure how he meant that, and Daring doesn't seem entirely confident about it either. the story already knows how I'm reacting to it, and it never let my attention wander elsewhere.
and cutting off like that... a grim hint at the inevitable outcome? or maybe showing how when you're left alone and powerless, all that's left is your patience, however long it may last. maybe this story won't work for everyone. it doesn't supply many answers, but it subtly asks some powerful questions.
great descriptive lines:
It filled the tunnel with the scent of millennia past, and she desperately fought back the urge to sneeze.
The stone blocks above his head bled streams of dust.
Unlike the others, I think I like the story just fine without a conclusion. It's solid enough as it is, and feels complete. As I read it, this fic was oddly synched to my wavelength. as I wondered, "is Daring truthfully going to come back?" the story brought up the same point. then asking Pumpernickel to do the same, though his "I'm sorry" could be meant either as reassurance or a betrayal. I'm not sure how he meant that, and Daring doesn't seem entirely confident about it either. the story already knows how I'm reacting to it, and it never let my attention wander elsewhere.
and cutting off like that... a grim hint at the inevitable outcome? or maybe showing how when you're left alone and powerless, all that's left is your patience, however long it may last. maybe this story won't work for everyone. it doesn't supply many answers, but it subtly asks some powerful questions.
>>Trick_Question
Maybe there is a supernatural element, maybe not. It changes little in Sweetie's perception and in her fears. We are still seeing a terrorized filly going alone through the night at the beginning and with the comfort of her sister at the end.
I appreciate the story for making sense being read in both ways.
Maybe there is a supernatural element, maybe not. It changes little in Sweetie's perception and in her fears. We are still seeing a terrorized filly going alone through the night at the beginning and with the comfort of her sister at the end.
I appreciate the story for making sense being read in both ways.
The ending needs a little work. The last line isn't necessary, and I'm left uncertain what Gilda is thinking about who or what is at fault for Griffinstone's decay.
I think Luna's eulogy, harsh language and all, was spot on, mainly because it shows her frustration at the farce.
I also laughed at the punchline, and have even more respect for Yakyakistan's ambassador, a true professional.
While the buildup was indeed a bit slow (and Celestia showed maybe a bit too much contempt for her subjects) at the end it was worth it. Even if it could probably be improved by more snappy introduction.
I also laughed at the punchline, and have even more respect for Yakyakistan's ambassador, a true professional.
While the buildup was indeed a bit slow (and Celestia showed maybe a bit too much contempt for her subjects) at the end it was worth it. Even if it could probably be improved by more snappy introduction.
This is another story that has led me to public embarrassment. Obviously I should not read Writeoff stories in public on my phone, because this one brought me to tears of laughter.
I can pick on it a bit for having a nonsensical premise that leans on Celestia being a troll and Luna being ridiculous. But considering the fact that I ended up having about the same reaction as Pinkie did, I'm willing to make some allowances.
I can pick on it a bit for having a nonsensical premise that leans on Celestia being a troll and Luna being ridiculous. But considering the fact that I ended up having about the same reaction as Pinkie did, I'm willing to make some allowances.
Twilight discovers how to put things into temporal stasis, accidentally making everyone think she’s dead.
This story was awkwardly delivered; writing it as a “dear diary” thing didn’t work, the discovery didn’t seem more meaningful than some others that she’s made, and it just felt awkwardly delivered for a diary entry. It would have worked better as just a normal first-person perspective story, and in any case, I’m not sure that the story really seemed to know what it wanted to be. Really, this seems like it wanted to be a comedy, but it didn’t seem very funny until the end, and a lot of it just sort of seemed to be a bit muddled.
This story was awkwardly delivered; writing it as a “dear diary” thing didn’t work, the discovery didn’t seem more meaningful than some others that she’s made, and it just felt awkwardly delivered for a diary entry. It would have worked better as just a normal first-person perspective story, and in any case, I’m not sure that the story really seemed to know what it wanted to be. Really, this seems like it wanted to be a comedy, but it didn’t seem very funny until the end, and a lot of it just sort of seemed to be a bit muddled.
Work has been insane today, and I need to relax with some pony stories, so I found myself back here. Augh, I can't even go cold turkey on the Writeoffs properly. :(
So: There are two stories left that only have 1 review (n.b.: since "reviews" include crosstalk posted to the story's thread, it's going to be awkward trying to keep count of the number of unique people offering feedback). This is one of them, so I might as well start here and offer some thoughts.
Timely
Suicide is always a tough subject to approach sensitively and compellingly, but I think this one connects anyhow. To its credit, it's not trying to preach a treacly moral (or, worse, glorify the act); the framing of Fluttershy's accidental salvation stakes out more challenging territory with no easy answers, and I appreciate that it stops there, turning this into a statement on the little twists of fate upon which lives turn.
I don't know that it feels complete to me, but what I just described isn't why. I think, instead, that might go to the tight word limit, which doesn't allow you the luxury of establishing the main character's depression deeply enough to let us really connect. The whole thing feels kind of pro forma until Dash's arrival, at which point it's able to start treading off the beaten path. Though, come to think of it, I'm not certain that spending more words establishing Fluttershy's misery is the right answer here. It would allow us to empathize with her, yes, but it would also make it take much longer to get to the part that actually engaged me. It might be worth considering starting this story in medias res with Dash's arrival, skipping the exposition entirely or working it in around the edges, and really laser-focusing on the fallout of that and expanding the later scene. Maybe even work something in about what the world would have lost without her? I don't know, that might step over the line of moralizing. It worked for "It's A Wonderful Life," but those are big shoes to fill.
Tier: (high) Almost There
So: There are two stories left that only have 1 review (n.b.: since "reviews" include crosstalk posted to the story's thread, it's going to be awkward trying to keep count of the number of unique people offering feedback). This is one of them, so I might as well start here and offer some thoughts.
Timely
Suicide is always a tough subject to approach sensitively and compellingly, but I think this one connects anyhow. To its credit, it's not trying to preach a treacly moral (or, worse, glorify the act); the framing of Fluttershy's accidental salvation stakes out more challenging territory with no easy answers, and I appreciate that it stops there, turning this into a statement on the little twists of fate upon which lives turn.
I don't know that it feels complete to me, but what I just described isn't why. I think, instead, that might go to the tight word limit, which doesn't allow you the luxury of establishing the main character's depression deeply enough to let us really connect. The whole thing feels kind of pro forma until Dash's arrival, at which point it's able to start treading off the beaten path. Though, come to think of it, I'm not certain that spending more words establishing Fluttershy's misery is the right answer here. It would allow us to empathize with her, yes, but it would also make it take much longer to get to the part that actually engaged me. It might be worth considering starting this story in medias res with Dash's arrival, skipping the exposition entirely or working it in around the edges, and really laser-focusing on the fallout of that and expanding the later scene. Maybe even work something in about what the world would have lost without her? I don't know, that might step over the line of moralizing. It worked for "It's A Wonderful Life," but those are big shoes to fill.
Tier: (high) Almost There
Dialogue-only is very a telly style, which makes it hard to do properly. A prime example of the problem:
When the only way the audience can know that a character is laughing is for a second character to narrate their actions out loud, you are balls-deep in too-much-tell.
While the theme of dialogue-only is cute, it isn't executed well enough here to justify the approach. This story would be significantly better if you dropped that angle and described actions and scenery in a standard way. This is a case where you chose to do something which seemed to be a cheap and easy way to tell the story, but the degree of difficulty for making a good story that way is extremely high.
Also, the only way this story makes any sense me is if Celestia and Luna are performing on stage. That would actually be a great way to tell it, though.
I do not think that word means what you think it means, even though I think I know what you meant. :V
"Why are you laughing at my deadly insult?"
When the only way the audience can know that a character is laughing is for a second character to narrate their actions out loud, you are balls-deep in too-much-tell.
While the theme of dialogue-only is cute, it isn't executed well enough here to justify the approach. This story would be significantly better if you dropped that angle and described actions and scenery in a standard way. This is a case where you chose to do something which seemed to be a cheap and easy way to tell the story, but the degree of difficulty for making a good story that way is extremely high.
Also, the only way this story makes any sense me is if Celestia and Luna are performing on stage. That would actually be a great way to tell it, though.
wooing a ghost
I do not think that word means what you think it means, even though I think I know what you meant. :V
Pros:
Great prose
Very sweet.
Cons:
A lot of the sentences that you intentionally left pronouns out of sound awkward, and draw attention to the lack of pronouns. So that made it pretty obvious that you were trying to obfuscate who had actually died.
I have no connection to either of these characters, so the twist also didn't work because I didn't particularly care which one of them had died.
Not actually a pony story at all.
The title made me hope there would be The Princess Bride references, but there were none.
Suggestions:
Replace Study Guide and Songbird with Big Mac and Rarity. Or probably with any other OTP you might happen to have, but Big Mac and Rarity seem like they would fit in the best without changing the characters' actions and personalities.
Great prose
Very sweet.
Cons:
A lot of the sentences that you intentionally left pronouns out of sound awkward, and draw attention to the lack of pronouns. So that made it pretty obvious that you were trying to obfuscate who had actually died.
I have no connection to either of these characters, so the twist also didn't work because I didn't particularly care which one of them had died.
Not actually a pony story at all.
The title made me hope there would be The Princess Bride references, but there were none.
Suggestions:
Replace Study Guide and Songbird with Big Mac and Rarity. Or probably with any other OTP you might happen to have, but Big Mac and Rarity seem like they would fit in the best without changing the characters' actions and personalities.
Celestia and Luna bury Nightmare Moon’s armor in the woods.
I thought this was a neat idea for a story, and the overall pathos was a good gesture, but I never actually got emotionally invested in it. Not to say it was bad by any means, but I just didn’t feel quite as invested as I would have liked.
Still, fairly solid.
I thought this was a neat idea for a story, and the overall pathos was a good gesture, but I never actually got emotionally invested in it. Not to say it was bad by any means, but I just didn’t feel quite as invested as I would have liked.
Still, fairly solid.
Pros:
The voice here is a bit odd, but works well for this story. It seems a bit like an old fairy tale or children's book sometimes.
Cons:
Whatever meaning this story is supposed to have is far too obfuscated. I am left with many questions, but not a single answer.
Suggestions:
Just make whatever point this story was supposed to have clearer.
The voice here is a bit odd, but works well for this story. It seems a bit like an old fairy tale or children's book sometimes.
Cons:
Whatever meaning this story is supposed to have is far too obfuscated. I am left with many questions, but not a single answer.
Suggestions:
Just make whatever point this story was supposed to have clearer.
>>Orbiting_kettle
What I mean is, regardless as to whether or not there's a supernatural element, Sweetie Belle is very ill and is presumably going to have surgery tomorrow. That makes this story about significantly more than mere childhood fears.
What I mean is, regardless as to whether or not there's a supernatural element, Sweetie Belle is very ill and is presumably going to have surgery tomorrow. That makes this story about significantly more than mere childhood fears.
Pros:
Starts off interestingly weird.
Cons:
Quickly becomes just weird, and then takes a strong turn to the incomprehensible towards the end.
Suggestions:
...I've got nothing. I have to accept that Trick_Question's analysis is probably correct, because I can't think of any other reason why these ponies would be named after porn sites, but I still don't see half of the things she apparently does, so it just looks like a load of nonsense to me.
Also:
* No one understands this story, except for Trick_Question, who gives a rather detailed explanation.
* This story is about sex and porn.
* Trick_Question loves this story, but I didn't like it.
I will be shocked if Trick_Question did not write this one.
Starts off interestingly weird.
Cons:
Quickly becomes just weird, and then takes a strong turn to the incomprehensible towards the end.
Suggestions:
...I've got nothing. I have to accept that Trick_Question's analysis is probably correct, because I can't think of any other reason why these ponies would be named after porn sites, but I still don't see half of the things she apparently does, so it just looks like a load of nonsense to me.
Also:
* No one understands this story, except for Trick_Question, who gives a rather detailed explanation.
* This story is about sex and porn.
* Trick_Question loves this story, but I didn't like it.
I will be shocked if Trick_Question did not write this one.
It's almost too much to give Tom godlike powers without offering any details at all about them. (What would a partially-completed Discord look like, anyway?) I think you need to give the audience a touch more about why he can do these things, since he seems human like the rest, but they don't have the abilities he does.
It's confusing that Phillip would be a fan of the show, yet at the same time ponder murdering filly Celestia, no matter how worried he may be. I don't quite buy it.
I'm left wondering if the names you chose were some sort of clue I missed. Oz is a strange name given that the others are highly American.
Let the reader in on enough of the details that they can appreciate the conflict and find it believable.
On the other hoof, I think you could have avoided the vulgar drop of "My Little Pony" in the middle, because there are more than enough clues about what they're discussing (even if I didn't know this was pony fanfiction, which in a pony fanfiction contest, I do).
Hooves crossed for Season 6!
It's confusing that Phillip would be a fan of the show, yet at the same time ponder murdering filly Celestia, no matter how worried he may be. I don't quite buy it.
I'm left wondering if the names you chose were some sort of clue I missed. Oz is a strange name given that the others are highly American.
Let the reader in on enough of the details that they can appreciate the conflict and find it believable.
On the other hoof, I think you could have avoided the vulgar drop of "My Little Pony" in the middle, because there are more than enough clues about what they're discussing (even if I didn't know this was pony fanfiction, which in a pony fanfiction contest, I do).
Hooves crossed for Season 6!
This is a slew of very interesting and unique ideas, but it all comes so quickly and randomly it's hard to make sense of what is happening and why. I'm clearly not a fan of the [Random] tag. Actions need justification even in the most Python-esque comedy, or else the reader loses interest: when anything can happen, there's no suspense or motive for the reader to try to make sense of things. Characters need to stay in-character, they need motivations, and explanations need to be provided for events.
Why did Twilight want to bake in the first place? And why did she do it a second time? How did she accidentally timeport instead of teleport? It sounds like Spike is realizing things immediately after the timeport, but then how can Twilight immediately coordinate with herself if it was an accident? Why was she doing such disparate tasks? Why would Spike still be in the mountain? Why is Spike bothered by helping two Twilights when he's just doing the same tasks and isn't described as being harried by going back and forth (the Twilights are negotiating him, not abusing him)? Why did Pinkie make a bizarre cleaning apparatus, and how was it any different than a broom? Is Spike upset because he'll become the other Spike and be trapped in the mountain at some point? If the mess was as gigantic as advertised, why would you contradict this by having it cleaned up in an hour?
I fear I can identify with Spike's frustration.
Why did Twilight want to bake in the first place? And why did she do it a second time? How did she accidentally timeport instead of teleport? It sounds like Spike is realizing things immediately after the timeport, but then how can Twilight immediately coordinate with herself if it was an accident? Why was she doing such disparate tasks? Why would Spike still be in the mountain? Why is Spike bothered by helping two Twilights when he's just doing the same tasks and isn't described as being harried by going back and forth (the Twilights are negotiating him, not abusing him)? Why did Pinkie make a bizarre cleaning apparatus, and how was it any different than a broom? Is Spike upset because he'll become the other Spike and be trapped in the mountain at some point? If the mess was as gigantic as advertised, why would you contradict this by having it cleaned up in an hour?
I fear I can identify with Spike's frustration.
I like the story, but I'm not sure I like the ending. The story didn't subvert any of my expectations, and at this length of fic I think you need to give us a little more insight into the main character.
I couldn't tell who was narrating throughout most of it. The irreverent tone made it seem like it was Rainbow Dash, but the verbose vocabulary suggested Rarity. Either way, like the others are saying, this just seemed too random and incoherent to really be all that enjoyable.
>>The_Letter_J
You'll be shocked. This fic remains at the top of my slate, and as much as I love it, it's not one of mine. I actually didn't consider this might seem like a TQ fic until reading your review. I've never attempted to write anything remotely this figurative before. It's just too hard to pull off properly, as evidenced by the fact that few readers are picking up on what I was able to see (and I was only able to see it because it spoke to me).
I'm tempted to try something like this in a future contest, to push myself outside of my comfort zone. I haven't the slightest clue who wrote it, though, so given the quality of writing is above a certain threshold it's a CiG vote for me. I was tempted to TD it, but I've never seen him do something this abstract either (apart from comedy).
I will be shocked if Trick_Question did not write this one.
You'll be shocked. This fic remains at the top of my slate, and as much as I love it, it's not one of mine. I actually didn't consider this might seem like a TQ fic until reading your review. I've never attempted to write anything remotely this figurative before. It's just too hard to pull off properly, as evidenced by the fact that few readers are picking up on what I was able to see (and I was only able to see it because it spoke to me).
I'm tempted to try something like this in a future contest, to push myself outside of my comfort zone. I haven't the slightest clue who wrote it, though, so given the quality of writing is above a certain threshold it's a CiG vote for me. I was tempted to TD it, but I've never seen him do something this abstract either (apart from comedy).
>>Trick_Question
Ok, thank you. I may still have enough of an impedance mismatch here to keep this as an abstention, but that makes it make more sense.
I can't get my phone to display spoiler text so I was flying blind earlier.
Ok, thank you. I may still have enough of an impedance mismatch here to keep this as an abstention, but that makes it make more sense.
I can't get my phone to display spoiler text so I was flying blind earlier.
Ouch—this hits too close to home.
It's an amusing Trump parody, although I don't really think Diamond makes a good Trump. Her motivations are very different, and while she's insecure, she's not nearly as insecure.
I think the main thing it could use is some better contrast. Having everypony in the entire crowd support Diamond over Celestia strains credibility. Celestia looks weak, impotent, and incompetent, and this doesn't match her character. If you had painted Celestia more competently and used a different antagonist (an adult, perhaps Starlight Glimmer) this would have worked much better for me.
It's an amusing Trump parody, although I don't really think Diamond makes a good Trump. Her motivations are very different, and while she's insecure, she's not nearly as insecure.
I think the main thing it could use is some better contrast. Having everypony in the entire crowd support Diamond over Celestia strains credibility. Celestia looks weak, impotent, and incompetent, and this doesn't match her character. If you had painted Celestia more competently and used a different antagonist (an adult, perhaps Starlight Glimmer) this would have worked much better for me.
(Reviewing the other story with only 1 comment so far.)
Agreed with >>FanOfMostEverything, this one (ironically) needs further baking.
I slammed into a wall in the first few sentences trying to figure out the narrator's identity, and I never figured it out until 2/3 of the way through when I read "Spike! I need you upstairs!" The major offenders in misleading me: The narration refers to Twilight as "good ole Twilight Sparkle", and the only characters whose accents are consistently represented phonetically are the Apples, but "It wasn't what happened that was wrong." does not at all sound like an Apple line. And then we have "It was not enough to rain on the warrior-bred dragon's parade", which refers to Spike in fancy descriptive third person, which is generally a strong signal that that person's not the narrator (unless it's Trixie). Later on the narrator describes cleaning the kitchen in "ten minutes flat", and then there's a gemstone reference that might have come from Rarity, so the narrator is pretty much flipping back and forth between cues that signal ALL of the Mane Six.
There are two problems with that. The easy one is fixable with just a few words (working Spike's name into early exposition or describing him tapping his claws, or just flat-out identifying himself). The harder one is going to require much more rigorous editing — because even if we know for certain the narrator is Spike, he still sounds like half the Mane Six at some point, and if you're telling a story from Spike's point of view, it should sound more consistently like Spike.
>>Trick_Question
For me, randomness in a story isn't an automatic deal-breaker. The digression into the mop, for example, almost worked — it's exactly the sort of out-of-nowhere gag that goes along with Pinkie Pie, and can inject solid characterization of her. But, again, it comes down to consistency in the details. Spike's afro reference goes from an arguable fourth-wall break to a definite one when you mention the potential offensiveness, and that draws a lot of attention away from the Pinkie aspect of it into … well, another head-scratcher about the narrator's voice.
Author, I hope you're willing to sit down with this and edit it some more, because I agree with FOME that there is potential here that needs polishing. I think it will be really instructive to simply make one change: go through the story line by line, and ask yourself with every single sentence, "Is this how Spike would narrate the scene?" Change nothing else about the story except for putting it into a stronger Spike voice (if you don't have a good one in your headcanon, The Descendant is a good starting point), and see just how dramatically that changes this. That's not the only problem here, but that's a good one to start on, and it'll help you draw out your cool ideas with the brilliant polish they deserve.
Tier: Needs Work
Agreed with >>FanOfMostEverything, this one (ironically) needs further baking.
I slammed into a wall in the first few sentences trying to figure out the narrator's identity, and I never figured it out until 2/3 of the way through when I read "Spike! I need you upstairs!" The major offenders in misleading me: The narration refers to Twilight as "good ole Twilight Sparkle", and the only characters whose accents are consistently represented phonetically are the Apples, but "It wasn't what happened that was wrong." does not at all sound like an Apple line. And then we have "It was not enough to rain on the warrior-bred dragon's parade", which refers to Spike in fancy descriptive third person, which is generally a strong signal that that person's not the narrator (unless it's Trixie). Later on the narrator describes cleaning the kitchen in "ten minutes flat", and then there's a gemstone reference that might have come from Rarity, so the narrator is pretty much flipping back and forth between cues that signal ALL of the Mane Six.
There are two problems with that. The easy one is fixable with just a few words (working Spike's name into early exposition or describing him tapping his claws, or just flat-out identifying himself). The harder one is going to require much more rigorous editing — because even if we know for certain the narrator is Spike, he still sounds like half the Mane Six at some point, and if you're telling a story from Spike's point of view, it should sound more consistently like Spike.
>>Trick_Question
For me, randomness in a story isn't an automatic deal-breaker. The digression into the mop, for example, almost worked — it's exactly the sort of out-of-nowhere gag that goes along with Pinkie Pie, and can inject solid characterization of her. But, again, it comes down to consistency in the details. Spike's afro reference goes from an arguable fourth-wall break to a definite one when you mention the potential offensiveness, and that draws a lot of attention away from the Pinkie aspect of it into … well, another head-scratcher about the narrator's voice.
Author, I hope you're willing to sit down with this and edit it some more, because I agree with FOME that there is potential here that needs polishing. I think it will be really instructive to simply make one change: go through the story line by line, and ask yourself with every single sentence, "Is this how Spike would narrate the scene?" Change nothing else about the story except for putting it into a stronger Spike voice (if you don't have a good one in your headcanon, The Descendant is a good starting point), and see just how dramatically that changes this. That's not the only problem here, but that's a good one to start on, and it'll help you draw out your cool ideas with the brilliant polish they deserve.
Tier: Needs Work
This is a nice behind-the-scenes story. I think it needs to go a little further to explain Rainbow's actions, though. Her quick abandonment of her dreams didn't make much sense in the story, and while this helps, it's still a little out of character.
I think a whiff of shipping fuel with Meadow would add a lot here, and it might explain things better. KISSU KISSU
I have to assume this one is done by whoever Pascoite is: Natron77? Bleah. I can't rely on inference that much.
I think a whiff of shipping fuel with Meadow would add a lot here, and it might explain things better. KISSU KISSU
I have to assume this one is done by whoever Pascoite is: Natron77? Bleah. I can't rely on inference that much.
I agree with >>FanOfMostEverything in part. I'm not sure what Applejack is feeling at the end. The fact that her legs are described as "toned" in the last sentence suggests strongly that she prefers doing the work manually, even though it's slower. But the way she says "right" is completely indeterminate, so I'm left wondering if she's chuckling on the inside because she doesn't care, or if she regrets having those beautiful, muscular legs, as though her life has been a waste of time. And if she does, why? It doesn't seem to fit her character.
Elucidate what you're trying to say to us at the end of the story, author. We need more peek into AJ's mind.
Elucidate what you're trying to say to us at the end of the story, author. We need more peek into AJ's mind.
Everything goes smoothly with no unexpected occurrences, which is a bit boring. You need more conflict than this to make a story interesting. Ponies need flaws and problems, and the only flaw in anypony here is Octavia making the wrong judgment call.
For one possibility, it would have been more interesting if Sweetie Belle (there's an e on the end) hadn't done that well, but Lyra ended up not caring because she wanted to use it as an opportunity to showcase her talents. Think of the sort of conflicts that might pop up in the show, and try to add a little spice.
For one possibility, it would have been more interesting if Sweetie Belle (there's an e on the end) hadn't done that well, but Lyra ended up not caring because she wanted to use it as an opportunity to showcase her talents. Think of the sort of conflicts that might pop up in the show, and try to add a little spice.
One of those big welcoming parties that she pretends she gives to all new visitors.
my face when. No no no, author, you can't just casually slide in a line like that and continue on with your story.
Reading the rest, I can see what you're going for with it, but … that isn't foreshadowing, it's the wham line, and you've dropped it without context way too early. I can appreciate what this story was trying to do — and I'm a big fan of this sort of subversion, so I want it to work — but between that and the ending, this really needs a structural overhaul. I agree with >>Trick_Question that this needs a staged reveal, starting with some odd inconsistencies to signal that maybe this isn't quite what it seems, and accumulating little foreshadowings until the wham line of the twist, right at the end.
Also crucial: I'm pretty uncomfortable with my reading of the ending. The story seems to build to Anon as Pinkie Pie's imaginary friend, but then she turns around and his cleaning actually happened, which undermines the twist that would have made sense of everything. Also, Twilight's got a male romantic interest, and no other names are ever mentioned besides Anon's: is that some sort of implication that Anon is actually Twilight's lover? But he and Pinkie were really cuddly, and based on the last line he actually exists rather than being her imaginary friend — so is the real point of this that Anon is cheating on Twilight with Pinkie? Or is this some sort of creepy nonconsensual mind-controlling harem thing, like Anon in alarajrogers' Not The Hero? D: I suspect that you are writing in some Big Implications that you really did not intend, and I look forward to finding out the intention here.
Now that I'm ranking this one, I can finally review it.
Unlike >>Calipony , I think the ending makes perfect sense. The fact that Spike must retrieve a time spell for a task Twilight has to complete after Trixie dies is more than sufficient to explain the twenty-year gap for me.
I don't agree with >>TitaniumDragon about the pacing. If anything, it seems cramped due to the word limit.
My main complaint is that giving each of Twilight's friends a single line to speak seems unnatural and forced. Why turn a funeral into a seven-way conversation? Contrast this with Celestia's Vacation, where the author doesn't try to paint every pony because it isn't important to do so. I understand what you were going for, but it would be better (and add some drama) if not all of Twilight's friends bothered to show up. (In fact, "everypony shows up and speaks" is a common problem with many Season 4 episodes.)
Unlike >>Calipony , I think the ending makes perfect sense. The fact that Spike must retrieve a time spell for a task Twilight has to complete after Trixie dies is more than sufficient to explain the twenty-year gap for me.
I don't agree with >>TitaniumDragon about the pacing. If anything, it seems cramped due to the word limit.
My main complaint is that giving each of Twilight's friends a single line to speak seems unnatural and forced. Why turn a funeral into a seven-way conversation? Contrast this with Celestia's Vacation, where the author doesn't try to paint every pony because it isn't important to do so. I understand what you were going for, but it would be better (and add some drama) if not all of Twilight's friends bothered to show up. (In fact, "everypony shows up and speaks" is a common problem with many Season 4 episodes.)
...what?
This makes me feel just awful for the one filly, but its purpose ultimately doesn't seem to be greater than that.
On the other hoof, this could be the start of something interesting.
This makes me feel just awful for the one filly, but its purpose ultimately doesn't seem to be greater than that.
On the other hoof, this could be the start of something interesting.
Canonically, Pinkie got her cutie mark before Marble or Limestone. You should have indicated that Limestone didn't have her mark yet.
Also, the Pie family still calls her Pinkamena rather than Pinkie (whereas Marble Pie is still Marble Pie). So, Pinkie isn't actually her name, it's a nickname.
The latter of the two problems can be ignored because you need to do so to tell the story. The former issue stands out more to me.
Also, the Pie family still calls her Pinkamena rather than Pinkie (whereas Marble Pie is still Marble Pie). So, Pinkie isn't actually her name, it's a nickname.
The latter of the two problems can be ignored because you need to do so to tell the story. The former issue stands out more to me.
I think Dashie's questioning from the podium isn't appropriate. Surely she would have asked questions like that before having a ceremony about it, and if they're having a ceremony the last thing she should want to do is start a debate. It would be much better if Dash monologued in a way that AJ couldn't respond to her instead of starting a confrontation in the middle of the thing.
I don't think this expression works.
I'm sure ponies will think I wrote this one too, but I didn't. I would have been far more descriptive. :V
in the lust of her life
I don't think this expression works.
I'm sure ponies will think I wrote this one too, but I didn't. I would have been far more descriptive. :V
>>horizon
I'm only saying the thing about [Random] because I haven't yet found a story like that which I could tolerate, so I feel the need to disclaim that this might not be something I can appreciate.
My impression of stories with that tag is that they're like an R-rated episode of AoStH or The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, deriving humor only from the fact that the characters are stupid and unrealistic. I've never enjoyed that vein of comedy (and to be honest I've never seen it aimed at adults, ever: not in movies or television, though maybe in bad fiction).
I'm only saying the thing about [Random] because I haven't yet found a story like that which I could tolerate, so I feel the need to disclaim that this might not be something I can appreciate.
My impression of stories with that tag is that they're like an R-rated episode of AoStH or The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, deriving humor only from the fact that the characters are stupid and unrealistic. I've never enjoyed that vein of comedy (and to be honest I've never seen it aimed at adults, ever: not in movies or television, though maybe in bad fiction).
Only one issue: a proper doctor would give Lily the option of palliative care if the difference were a matter of months, because choosing not to have futile life-extending care is a completely valid option. It's appropriate to have the doctor balk at the assisted-suicide idea, but she has no business whatsoever trying to push the patient into comprehensive treatment.
Wow, this was surprisingly complete as a story for a shortfic that leans on its multiple scene breaks. The title works on multiple levels, too. We've got a pretty good total package here!
Others have noted the one really unclear line. It's kind of hard to ignore considering that the rest is so strong, and then you've got this dud smack in the middle of it. But it's not so bad as to spoil the rest of the presentation.
Others have noted the one really unclear line. It's kind of hard to ignore considering that the rest is so strong, and then you've got this dud smack in the middle of it. But it's not so bad as to spoil the rest of the presentation.
>>TitaniumDragon
I'm glad I read this review because I didn't pick up on that at all. I actually thought Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were step-sisters! When Rainbow Dash went from "your mom" to "Dad" (and the fact that Dash knew that Dad had told Fluttershy's mom something), I was certain this was a step-sister and divorce story with Fluttershy and Dash being leverage.
TD's right, it makes sense if it's a shipfic with gay angst. But if it is a shipfic, Rainbow should kiss Fluttershy goodbye so we actually know.
The other option is that Fluttershy has what used to be called Dependent Personality Disorder and her mother is highly controlling. But we never see evidence of that.
I'm glad I read this review because I didn't pick up on that at all. I actually thought Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were step-sisters! When Rainbow Dash went from "your mom" to "Dad" (and the fact that Dash knew that Dad had told Fluttershy's mom something), I was certain this was a step-sister and divorce story with Fluttershy and Dash being leverage.
TD's right, it makes sense if it's a shipfic with gay angst. But if it is a shipfic, Rainbow should kiss Fluttershy goodbye so we actually know.
The other option is that Fluttershy has what used to be called Dependent Personality Disorder and her mother is highly controlling. But we never see evidence of that.
I'm confused about how the song sung here and now will help the pony tomorrow elsewhere. A small clue would help.
I also don't see the sirens as pony-eaters. Ponies are a lot harder to eat than fish, and in canon they subsist upon rancor rather than flesh.
I also don't see the sirens as pony-eaters. Ponies are a lot harder to eat than fish, and in canon they subsist upon rancor rather than flesh.
I think you need a little more introspection from Fluttershy to make this story feel complete. There isn't much justification for how she's grown past her depression other than "friends", and I think there should be. Make the window to her struggle a bit larger.
>>Trick_Question
You tempt me greatly to drop a link to a random thing I wrote that I think would exceed your expectations.
But I wouldn't, because that would just be crassly self-serving. After all, I have a reputation to maintain. :-P
You tempt me greatly to drop a link to a random thing I wrote that I think would exceed your expectations.
But I wouldn't, because that would just be crassly self-serving. After all, I have a reputation to maintain. :-P
the night princess
the white alicorn
I realize it's hard to break this habit, and it might not even seem like a big intrusion. But this is Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Try "Luna" and "Celestia". "She" is better still.
>>CoffeeMinion
Into the Read It Never pile it goes! :facehoof:
I have to figure out a way to read fiction that doesn't involve this Writeoff. I really, really, really do.
Into the Read It Never pile it goes! :facehoof:
I have to figure out a way to read fiction that doesn't involve this Writeoff. I really, really, really do.
Send help: I've been sucked into the very conundrum that the story suggests we should be sucked into. There's a lot more going on here than mere trolling... I think? It's actually pretty well-written, for what it is. Or maybe, like War Games, the only way to win is not to play? But now the doggone thing is on my slate, and I have to do something with it...
You played the intro joke much too long. The transition from drama to comedy was jarring, and you spent way too much time and effort (expertly) playing up the mood just to pull the rug out from under the reader. A few sentences of build would have been sufficient. Currently, it reads like two separate stories that are completely unrelated.
I had to re-read the ending several times to get the meaning. You're just a hair too subtle. You need to make obvious who is thinking the last sentence and how they know that: my best guess is that Shining Armor is realizing that Celestia is about to order his guards to latrine duty, because there were supposed to be two pieces of cake because Celestia ordered one for the lovebirds to share and one for herself, which meant SA wasn't able to give his piece of cake to Celestia to make up for the lost piece like he'd planned. But there's a lot of inference in there, so hell if I know.
Maybe you should include a diagram or flowchart. :V
I had to re-read the ending several times to get the meaning. You're just a hair too subtle. You need to make obvious who is thinking the last sentence and how they know that: my best guess is that Shining Armor is realizing that Celestia is about to order his guards to latrine duty, because there were supposed to be two pieces of cake because Celestia ordered one for the lovebirds to share and one for herself, which meant SA wasn't able to give his piece of cake to Celestia to make up for the lost piece like he'd planned. But there's a lot of inference in there, so hell if I know.
Maybe you should include a diagram or flowchart. :V
The writing is solid from a technical perspective, but I fear the main accomplishment here was the tense joke. A few more moments of that caliber might have made this more of a contender. I get the feeling that the author is capable of adding those.
This story's biggest shortcomings are its lack of a swerve that might subvert our expectations, and the possible unclear setup of maybe a ship (or not!).
But to some extent, I don't really want to dump on the author for not giving us all of that in addition to the solid prose, good scene-setting, and two very well-written characters we end up with. And I don't want to bulldoze the author's accomplishment in making Rainbow sound more like Rainbow here than in most stories I see Rainbow in.
But to some extent, I don't really want to dump on the author for not giving us all of that in addition to the solid prose, good scene-setting, and two very well-written characters we end up with. And I don't want to bulldoze the author's accomplishment in making Rainbow sound more like Rainbow here than in most stories I see Rainbow in.
Writer, I spent the first half of this fic thinking I was going to condemn faking one's death for the sake of a vacation as a bridge too far for Celestia - it seems callous, although it is nice that Luna is playing the advocate for the citizens of Equestria.
Then I got to the punchline, and you know what? All is forgiven. It's not often a story actually makes me laugh out loud, let alone loudly enough to summon my roommate from his room to investigate. Well played.
Final Thought: My Sister Will Not Be Writing My Eulogy
Then I got to the punchline, and you know what? All is forgiven. It's not often a story actually makes me laugh out loud, let alone loudly enough to summon my roommate from his room to investigate. Well played.
Final Thought: My Sister Will Not Be Writing My Eulogy
>>Trick_Question
>>FanOfMostEverything
Red means the reviewer liked the track, and blue means they didn't like it. Notice that all the tracks the reviewer singles out as great are red, and the only track they pan is blue.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Red means the reviewer liked the track, and blue means they didn't like it. Notice that all the tracks the reviewer singles out as great are red, and the only track they pan is blue.
Discord is one of my favorite characters. Pair with Fluttershy, and you automatically get my attention. The thing is, though, good Discord needs to have heart, not just randomness. While I can see the recurring joke here that in some strange way he thinks he's helping, it rubs me the wrong way to see him being quite this hardheadedly random. Still, I'll give the story credit for aiming at the juxtaposition of earnestness and missing-the-mark that tends to be a part of writing Discord.
CAN'T STYMIOND THE DIAMOND
(I swear that sounds a lot better when you say it aloud)
Enough with the dank memes, though. No, seriously, enough with them. This story uses the exact same Trump parody tropes as every other half-assed wag on the Internet, and that made it feel like it was just going through the motions rather than actually being an incisive satire.
(I swear that sounds a lot better when you say it aloud)
Enough with the dank memes, though. No, seriously, enough with them. This story uses the exact same Trump parody tropes as every other half-assed wag on the Internet, and that made it feel like it was just going through the motions rather than actually being an incisive satire.
I liked this story from the get-go, Writer, as I, too, am definitively not a morning person. The premise feels a little forced, as even Sunset herself points out that Rainbow Dash has sprouted wings and darted about in the past, but the imagery you create with Rainbow only half-paying attention to an already annoyed Sunset is compelling enough to forgive it.
Speaking of forgiveness, I beg your indulgence as I resurrect my nitpicks section - I noticed several missing commas spread through the story, particularly where it came to dialogue. A few examples:
Also, in the last line of dialogue, "gotta" doesn't require an apostrophe.
Still, these are just minor annoyances. You're good at conveying frustration, Writer - this feels as though it was written from personal experience, and for that, you have mypity sympathy.
Final Thought: Thank Luna My Roommate Wakes Up for Work After I Do
Speaking of forgiveness, I beg your indulgence as I resurrect my nitpicks section - I noticed several missing commas spread through the story, particularly where it came to dialogue. A few examples:
“Behind you, dingus.”
“Open the window, I need to talk to you.”
“Urgh, Rainbow, it’s like six in the morning.”
Also, in the last line of dialogue, "gotta" doesn't require an apostrophe.
Still, these are just minor annoyances. You're good at conveying frustration, Writer - this feels as though it was written from personal experience, and for that, you have my
Final Thought: Thank Luna My Roommate Wakes Up for Work After I Do
Whoa. Now I could be completely wrong here, but I think the word "soulmates" line is... umm, at the crux of why it's only dialogue. I think the all-dialogue thing may have been an intentional choice, meant to set the scene... inasmuch as there could be a physical scene to set under the circumstances.
Assuming I'm interpreting that correctly, this story is actually pretty clever in its execution. It still suffers from some hammy moments and a dollop of pandering to the fan base of the OTP on display here, but I'll give this huge credit for getting a formatting choice to work that usually ends up as the kiss of death.
Assuming I'm interpreting that correctly, this story is actually pretty clever in its execution. It still suffers from some hammy moments and a dollop of pandering to the fan base of the OTP on display here, but I'll give this huge credit for getting a formatting choice to work that usually ends up as the kiss of death.
This is definitely better than the maudlin Diamond Tiara story I pumped out on my Fimfiction account. My only complaint is that I can't see Cheerilee assigning something this ghastly to foals. Nopony would stand for that. It would make more sense if the essay could be about anything, and she wanted to make it about that topic for reasons she didn't fully understand.
Raaagh, author, you can't just cut a good story at the point where we're about to find out what happens! I mean, you obviously can in serial storytelling, because "to be continued" gets continued. But doing it to us here is cruel, since it might not be.
That aside, I thought the characters all had strong and distinct voices, and the setup was vibrant. The ending didn't leave enough clarity to give me any sense of what was going to come next, though I thought the song text itself was cool.
That aside, I thought the characters all had strong and distinct voices, and the setup was vibrant. The ending didn't leave enough clarity to give me any sense of what was going to come next, though I thought the song text itself was cool.
Celestia's not as subtle as she thinks, but I have to say, the author was a touch too subtle here. It took me 3 re-reads to work out that Celestia had probably ordered two slices of cake, with the intention of cajoling SA and Cadence into sharing one. But with that revelation in mind, the buildup to that point became all but wasted. I was thinking silly drama the whole way, then got jarred off the track so badly the ending flew right by me.
Pulling the rug on the reader isn't bad by itself, but here it was just too obscured to be impactful without multiple re-reads... which defeats the purpose in the long run.
Maybe one way to compensate would be to have SA join in on the guards' panic/worry, which then gives Tia a good excuse to drag on the last scene enough to more properly reveal the plot twist.
Pulling the rug on the reader isn't bad by itself, but here it was just too obscured to be impactful without multiple re-reads... which defeats the purpose in the long run.
Maybe one way to compensate would be to have SA join in on the guards' panic/worry, which then gives Tia a good excuse to drag on the last scene enough to more properly reveal the plot twist.
This is well-written but IMO borders on making it excessively difficult to ascertain what's going on. I had to give up and read the spoilered comments to get a handle on it. Maybe that's more my shortcoming than yours, author; but I think the issues >>Trick_Question mentions serve as an impediment.
>>Trick_Question
I admit that this story doesn't seem quite like your usual writing (as far as I can recall, at least), but there's still some strong evidence pointing to you as the author. I was thinking that this was probably the last story you wrote, and by that point you were either running out of time or energy, so it ended up coming out not quite like your usual fare.
I admit that this story doesn't seem quite like your usual writing (as far as I can recall, at least), but there's still some strong evidence pointing to you as the author. I was thinking that this was probably the last story you wrote, and by that point you were either running out of time or energy, so it ended up coming out not quite like your usual fare.
In which Pumpernickel goes from doofus to potential betrayer in an instant. Or does he eventually come back? Who knows?
I like the questions the author left for the reader, but this really needs a higher word count to better establish Pumpernickel's motivations and attitudes. (and Daring's to a lesser degree) As-is, it tears the reader between assuming he'll come back and pinning him as an idiot who left his boss to die.
I like the questions the author left for the reader, but this really needs a higher word count to better establish Pumpernickel's motivations and attitudes. (and Daring's to a lesser degree) As-is, it tears the reader between assuming he'll come back and pinning him as an idiot who left his boss to die.
This is kind of just setup-ey. I mean, okay, they worked together, aaaand....what? What's the hook, here? Right now we kind of just have a 'Look at us, about to be evil, mwa ha ha ha ha'.
The title is a clever bit, though.
The title is a clever bit, though.
I get the overall idea/theme the author was going for with this, but I think it would have been better leveraged under a short story round, rather than a minific. As it is, it comes across as a random sequence of events that get some explanation through dialogue, but otherwise remain so obscured as to seem pointless. I know they're not supposed to be, but they feel that way in such a short scene.
This is an interesting premise to serve as the unwritten prologue to My Little Dashie. The opening really hooked me, as the promise of dimension-hopping tends to do. The fact that the protagonist is treating the reader as an equal (indeed, going so far as to ask them for help) is subtly empowering, and it made me smile to myself as I read.
Your reach exceeds your grasp in a few places (the "my little pony" drop towards the end made me wince), but all told, I liked it, even if it did ride the coattails of the first MLP fanfic I read (or, perhaps, because of it, which is not a comfortable thought - what have you done to my precious objectivity, Writer?)
>>Trick_Question
Trick, I've been neck-deep in tabletop RPGs and the like for half my life, and I don't immediately recognize any of the creatures or places mentioned here (save for the Abyss, which is a general enough term that I'm inclined to give Writer the benefit of the doubt). Still, I can see how some of the pronouns, name-dropped in a way that worldbuilds via inference, could give somepony pause. It's a crutch that I think you lean on a bit too heavily, Writer.
Final Thought: Answers a Question Most Wouldn't Ask
Your reach exceeds your grasp in a few places (the "my little pony" drop towards the end made me wince), but all told, I liked it, even if it did ride the coattails of the first MLP fanfic I read (or, perhaps, because of it, which is not a comfortable thought - what have you done to my precious objectivity, Writer?)
>>Trick_Question
Trick, I've been neck-deep in tabletop RPGs and the like for half my life, and I don't immediately recognize any of the creatures or places mentioned here (save for the Abyss, which is a general enough term that I'm inclined to give Writer the benefit of the doubt). Still, I can see how some of the pronouns, name-dropped in a way that worldbuilds via inference, could give somepony pause. It's a crutch that I think you lean on a bit too heavily, Writer.
Final Thought: Answers a Question Most Wouldn't Ask
I think other people have already said what I want to say, here. This does need more 'show' of the conflict - something to get me invested.
In light of MA Larson's announcement tonight that he's not currently involved with the show after last season's 'Amending Fences', the sentiment here was particularly striking.
However, I have to echo others and say the juxtaposition of semi-sad sentiment with drugs and vomit breaks any hope of immersion, and using real people (esp. real show staff) is a big faux pas.
However, I have to echo others and say the juxtaposition of semi-sad sentiment with drugs and vomit breaks any hope of immersion, and using real people (esp. real show staff) is a big faux pas.
>>Haze
I think the script format is clever for this reason, but it definitely needs a cleanup pass - "I'm hundred percent sure" is missing an 'a' or a 'one', and similar missteps plague the piece from there.
Still, I kind of want to see more of what Luna's actual plan would have been. And what she'd done in a cellar for 1000 years.
I think the script format is clever for this reason, but it definitely needs a cleanup pass - "I'm hundred percent sure" is missing an 'a' or a 'one', and similar missteps plague the piece from there.
Still, I kind of want to see more of what Luna's actual plan would have been. And what she'd done in a cellar for 1000 years.
I was expecting the shoe to drop and it never did. I think that did detract from the ending, because if you're going for a non-ending to that bit, it needs to be punchier.
I'd also suggest renaming Bluewisp - it's a tiny bit confusing. Not a huge bit, but certainly it doesn't benefit the piece, either, to have them have such similar names.
I'd also suggest renaming Bluewisp - it's a tiny bit confusing. Not a huge bit, but certainly it doesn't benefit the piece, either, to have them have such similar names.
I liked the little sad punch at the end, but the lead up to it needs more to build the scene, to really make the reader connect with Thunderlane's feelings and regrets.
Still, for what it was, it left a good mark.
Still, for what it was, it left a good mark.
>>Trick_Question
Guh, stop stealing what I wanna say before I can say it! Gilda and Limestone work well here - it just needs a bit more work on Gilda's final inner monologue to tie it all together. I kinda get what you are trying to say, but not fully; clarify/expand on it.
Otherwise, liked this one!
Guh, stop stealing what I wanna say before I can say it! Gilda and Limestone work well here - it just needs a bit more work on Gilda's final inner monologue to tie it all together. I kinda get what you are trying to say, but not fully; clarify/expand on it.
Otherwise, liked this one!
Alright, let's try this new commenting system out... As per my wont in MF rounds, I won't be devoting a whole lot of energy or words to reviewing these.
This story gets a 'meh' from me. Trick suggests that there's some deeper meaning here, and she might be right? But if so, it's too subtle for me to catch/care much about. I'm just not seeing a whole lot that's compelling or engaging here. i guess. The innuendo is strong. The theme and plot seems... limp.
This story gets a 'meh' from me. Trick suggests that there's some deeper meaning here, and she might be right? But if so, it's too subtle for me to catch/care much about. I'm just not seeing a whole lot that's compelling or engaging here. i guess. The innuendo is strong. The theme and plot seems... limp.
Eh, it's a joke, I guess?
I both saw this one coming, and didn't feel it was super funny or ridiculous. Some points for a fully-dialogue story that wasn't confusing or annoying, but there's just not a whole lot here. That's the trial of the minific round, but still.
I both saw this one coming, and didn't feel it was super funny or ridiculous. Some points for a fully-dialogue story that wasn't confusing or annoying, but there's just not a whole lot here. That's the trial of the minific round, but still.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Trick_Question
I don't agree - I think the ending comes through clearly. AJ is clearly just realizing that her entire way of life may be about to change. She prides herself on being the tough, independent farmer who can handle things just fine the way they are.
And now? The SSCS6k is going to change that. She's the Tradesmare whose weaving is becoming obsolete as factories roll out. And given how much of her self-worth is tied up in her expertise? That's a frightening prospect.
AJ's entire world just got threatened by an innocent conversation. She's gonna be sitting up late tonight with a mug of cider, thinking.
Top Contender for this one, for me.
>>Trick_Question
I don't agree - I think the ending comes through clearly. AJ is clearly just realizing that her entire way of life may be about to change. She prides herself on being the tough, independent farmer who can handle things just fine the way they are.
And now? The SSCS6k is going to change that. She's the Tradesmare whose weaving is becoming obsolete as factories roll out. And given how much of her self-worth is tied up in her expertise? That's a frightening prospect.
AJ's entire world just got threatened by an innocent conversation. She's gonna be sitting up late tonight with a mug of cider, thinking.
Top Contender for this one, for me.