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As You Wish
The windows were clouded, and outside the endless patter of rain stripped color from the world. Drab pink paint that threatened to peel away in another year lined the walls. Inside, two ponies sat side by side, mare resting her head against the stallion’s shoulder. The one bright spot was the nightstand, lined as it was with photographs and fresh violets replaced just that morning.
On the too-small table before them lay an album, the same two ponies lining its pages, going from vibrant until evolving into the weathered, lined bodies that sat above.
Nearby sat a tray, food growing cold and barely touched upon it.
Still, there was warmth. The light touch of hoof against coat. The way lips quirked upwards, how conversations were held where the only sound was the drumbeat of rain upon glass.
All things must end, however, and the stillness was broken by a long-suffering groan, as mare produced a new book from her purse. She gently slapped the stallion upside the head with it. “Study Guide,” she said sharply, “You quit your aching this instant. This is important. I know you don’t want to talk about it. I know you don’t want to think about it. But we need to get this sorted out.”
“I know dear. I know.” Study Guide’s voice a whisper. His hoof twined with hers, and squeezed. “Look at me, Songbird. I trust you to make the right choices.”
“And I want you to pick what makes you happy. There are dozens of flowers to choose from. Ponies who will want to speak. Stories about us we’ll want to have told. Who to preside, who to -” She was shaking now. Slowly, carefully, Study Guide wrapped his foreleg about her and drew her in close.
“Hush, now. Save your strength. We shouldn’t spend what time we have left together fighting over such things. I want to look at you. I want every moment we have to be timeless. This - all of this? It’s for youl, dear. The day is about you, not me. You choose whatever makes you happy. And know that I support that choice. It’s your funeral, not mine. The carnations will be fine. They’re your favorite.”
Songbird’s silent sobs shook frail body, and tears fell in the room as the rain soaked hospital grounds.
Days later, amidst a chapel, somber ponies gathered amidst a room bathed in vibrant pink flowers. The wooden casket lay closed, the pony within now resting in silent repose. And slowly, the one left behind made their way up to the stage.
“Everypony,” came a thin, reedy voice. “We are gathered here today to remember. To remember a pony whose only desire in life was to see the best in others. To help them blossom. And...I am here to remember the pony, who only ever wanted to make me happy.” Songbird dabbed at red-rimmed eyes. “Even now. He didn’t want today to be about him. That was Study Guide. Humble. Ever-giving.” And as her voice eulogized the one she so loved, outside the sun dried the dew as Spring bathed the world in new life.
On the too-small table before them lay an album, the same two ponies lining its pages, going from vibrant until evolving into the weathered, lined bodies that sat above.
Nearby sat a tray, food growing cold and barely touched upon it.
Still, there was warmth. The light touch of hoof against coat. The way lips quirked upwards, how conversations were held where the only sound was the drumbeat of rain upon glass.
All things must end, however, and the stillness was broken by a long-suffering groan, as mare produced a new book from her purse. She gently slapped the stallion upside the head with it. “Study Guide,” she said sharply, “You quit your aching this instant. This is important. I know you don’t want to talk about it. I know you don’t want to think about it. But we need to get this sorted out.”
“I know dear. I know.” Study Guide’s voice a whisper. His hoof twined with hers, and squeezed. “Look at me, Songbird. I trust you to make the right choices.”
“And I want you to pick what makes you happy. There are dozens of flowers to choose from. Ponies who will want to speak. Stories about us we’ll want to have told. Who to preside, who to -” She was shaking now. Slowly, carefully, Study Guide wrapped his foreleg about her and drew her in close.
“Hush, now. Save your strength. We shouldn’t spend what time we have left together fighting over such things. I want to look at you. I want every moment we have to be timeless. This - all of this? It’s for youl, dear. The day is about you, not me. You choose whatever makes you happy. And know that I support that choice. It’s your funeral, not mine. The carnations will be fine. They’re your favorite.”
Songbird’s silent sobs shook frail body, and tears fell in the room as the rain soaked hospital grounds.
Days later, amidst a chapel, somber ponies gathered amidst a room bathed in vibrant pink flowers. The wooden casket lay closed, the pony within now resting in silent repose. And slowly, the one left behind made their way up to the stage.
“Everypony,” came a thin, reedy voice. “We are gathered here today to remember. To remember a pony whose only desire in life was to see the best in others. To help them blossom. And...I am here to remember the pony, who only ever wanted to make me happy.” Songbird dabbed at red-rimmed eyes. “Even now. He didn’t want today to be about him. That was Study Guide. Humble. Ever-giving.” And as her voice eulogized the one she so loved, outside the sun dried the dew as Spring bathed the world in new life.
This is alternately lush with descriptions, and a bit fraught with distracting typos and uncertain dialogue attributions. I felt tears starting to form until the scene break happened, but the much more matter-of-fact presentation of the final scene blunted some of that raw sadness.
Author, you're killing me here. I'm not sure if what happened was an intentional swerve, or if I just can't puzzle out who's saying what. The good parts here are exceedingly strong, though, and I think this will clean up well.
Author, you're killing me here. I'm not sure if what happened was an intentional swerve, or if I just can't puzzle out who's saying what. The good parts here are exceedingly strong, though, and I think this will clean up well.
Well, I’m a bit sorry but I found this one rather bland. Well, actually not bland, but not sufficiently original enough to catch my attention. It reads fairly smoothly, but I really failed to get involved emotionally with the characters, so I was left out-of-touch and uncaring. It’s not bad, but it’s not pony-centric (I mean, this could happen IRL) and the slight veneer of pathos didn’t really do much for me. To use another metaphor, I felt was you can feel when you walk by a church while the funeral of someone you don’t know takes place: you feel slightly touched, but that’s about all.
Sorry if I sound tone-deaf here.
Sorry if I sound tone-deaf here.
Pros:
Great prose
Very sweet.
Cons:
A lot of the sentences that you intentionally left pronouns out of sound awkward, and draw attention to the lack of pronouns. So that made it pretty obvious that you were trying to obfuscate who had actually died.
I have no connection to either of these characters, so the twist also didn't work because I didn't particularly care which one of them had died.
Not actually a pony story at all.
The title made me hope there would be The Princess Bride references, but there were none.
Suggestions:
Replace Study Guide and Songbird with Big Mac and Rarity. Or probably with any other OTP you might happen to have, but Big Mac and Rarity seem like they would fit in the best without changing the characters' actions and personalities.
Great prose
Very sweet.
Cons:
A lot of the sentences that you intentionally left pronouns out of sound awkward, and draw attention to the lack of pronouns. So that made it pretty obvious that you were trying to obfuscate who had actually died.
I have no connection to either of these characters, so the twist also didn't work because I didn't particularly care which one of them had died.
Not actually a pony story at all.
The title made me hope there would be The Princess Bride references, but there were none.
Suggestions:
Replace Study Guide and Songbird with Big Mac and Rarity. Or probably with any other OTP you might happen to have, but Big Mac and Rarity seem like they would fit in the best without changing the characters' actions and personalities.
This sets a touching scene, but the phrasing is bizarre at times. I don’t have any issue with the OCs, but I do with the dropped articles and pronouns and peculiar sentence structure. Clean that up and you’ll have a good heartstring tugger.
Unlike many commenters here, I think this worked just fine, and it made perfect sense. The reversal could have been a little bit smoother, so I'd rework the last paragraph. I agree with >>The_Letter_J that it would work better with canon characters than OC's, because in a piece this short we don't have enough of a chance to learn about the characters. The reader won't feel much at the end if you use OC's in a minific about this kind of thing.
I read this as "rain-soaked". You need "the" before "hospital" for it to make sense.
as the rain soaked hospital grounds.
I read this as "rain-soaked". You need "the" before "hospital" for it to make sense.
I knew a Songbird, once. She was a dear friend of mine through high school and college, though I haven't seen or spoken to her since I moved to Colorado several years ago. I mention this because it's why I was a bit more invested in the characters than I ordinarily would have been.
Which is not to say this a bad story, Writer - it certainly tugs at the heartstrings, and I think you accomplished what you set out to do. I'll just second what some ponies have already pointed out and say that, for effect, canon characters may fit better for this format. With a bit of tidying up with the reversal (I think you telegraph it a bit too much with the vague attributions in the second part), this will be a solid story indeed.
Final Thought: Funerals Aren't for the Dead
Which is not to say this a bad story, Writer - it certainly tugs at the heartstrings, and I think you accomplished what you set out to do. I'll just second what some ponies have already pointed out and say that, for effect, canon characters may fit better for this format. With a bit of tidying up with the reversal (I think you telegraph it a bit too much with the vague attributions in the second part), this will be a solid story indeed.
Final Thought: Funerals Aren't for the Dead
Now this is more or less what I expected from this prompt.
I don't e much to say about this one. I rather liked it. I was a bit confused as to which of the two was dying in the beginning... And I'm assuming that was intentional? Otherwise it's just poor attribution to dialogue.
I liked the way that both Study Guide and Songbird are more concerned about the other than themselves. They both want the funeral to be done right, because both of them consider it to be an event for their spouse.
In short, it's short but well done and I enjoyed it.
I don't e much to say about this one. I rather liked it. I was a bit confused as to which of the two was dying in the beginning... And I'm assuming that was intentional? Otherwise it's just poor attribution to dialogue.
I liked the way that both Study Guide and Songbird are more concerned about the other than themselves. They both want the funeral to be done right, because both of them consider it to be an event for their spouse.
In short, it's short but well done and I enjoyed it.