Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Honor, Duty, and Sacrifice
"The last one? You're sure?"
The green unicorn mare nodded, not turning towards him. Her eyes were locked on the carnage. It was the thousand yard stare.
"By the gates of Tartarus..."
Bolt glanced nervously back at his partner, his armor rustling at the movement. Lance was staring at him with wide eyes. This was bad. This was very very bad. They needed to get out of here. Every instinct was telling him to run. Lance's expression hardened.
You're sure? Bolt asked with his expression. Lance nodded back at him. Right. They were royal guards. They had taken an oath to protect Equestria and its citizens. Bolt returned his attention to the shell shocked mare.
"Miss, I need you to evacuate the area."
Her ear twitched. She blinked. "Wha-?"
Lance took over, assuming the posture drilled muscle memory by countless hours of training. "This is a dangerous situation. Please let the royal guard handle it."
Her eyes flickered back and forth between them. "Are you sure? I could-"
Bolt cut her off. "Go. Now." He stood straight next to Lance.
Her eyes welled up with tears. She nodded gratefully to them, and without another word, took off, galloping down the hall. Bolt watched her go, then turned back to the scene. Lance had already returned his gaze to the floor and clearly was one step ahead of him.
"We're dead," said Lance. "We are so bucking dead." Bolt couldn't agree more. This was a disaster of epic proportions. Bolt could only nod as he surveyed the damage once more.
A slice of cake lay in the T junction of the hall. It had been brutally smashed by gravity. Its fluffy innards had crumbled, and its decadent white frosting was smeared over a far larger area than Bolt thought possible.
Princess Celestia's cake was ruined.
Bolt glanced down at his armor. There was frosting and crumbs all over his right shoulder, just like Lance's left.
Panic.
"She's going to banish us," said Bolt. "We're going to Tartarus for this. She's going to lock us in a dungeon and throw away the key."
"Hey, keep it quiet." said Lance.
But Bolt's mouth suddenly couldn't stop. "She's going to visit us every day and eat a slice of cake right in front of us."
Lance lightly punched Bolt's pauldron. "Shut up! And she wouldn't do that. This is Princess Celestia we're talking about here."
Bolt glared at Lance. "Yeah! The princess of the freaking sun who just happens to love cake! Which we ruined!"
Lance shook his head. "It's not that bad. Sure, we might get kicked out of the castle, but seriously, what's the worst that could happen?"
"I don't know!" replied Bolt. "How about double shifts in Ponyville watching the pink one?"
Lance stared at him for a moment. "What do we do?"
"What is going on here?"
Both guards turned to face the new voice behind them, then stood ramrod straight. "Lieutenant Armor!" exclaimed Bolt. "We were- We..." The words died in his throat as the Lieutenant took stock of their armor and the cake behind them.
He glared at them. "Privates, what is the meaning of this?"
Bolt thought furiously to try to come up with a good explanation, but Lance beat him to it. "It's our fault, sir. We didn't watch where we were going as we rounded the corner." Nothing for it then. Lance had already caved, so there was no point in denying it in front of a superior officer. Bolt nodded.
Shining Armor glanced back at the cake and sighed. "Boys, get this cleaned up. I'll inform the Princess."
Bolt frowned, confused. "Sir?"
The Lieutenant shook his head. "I was going to see the Princess anyway. I've got this. Make sure to wash your uniforms." With that, he trotted past them. They stared after him in stunned silence.
Lance turned to Bolt. "Holy horseapples, we're not dead."
"Oh, that's alright Shining. I just realized I have several things to take care of anyway. Perhaps you could join Cadance for tea instead?" Princess Celestia brusquely walked out the door, leaving behind a confused stallion and a blushing pink princess.
Shining blinked, then froze in confusion. "That was... Why did she only order one slice of cake?"
Candance's blush deepened. "I don't think she's as subtle as she thinks."
Shining Armor blinked again, contemplating the significance of Princess Celestia having him share a slice of cake with his marefriend. "Oh."
Those guards were definitely getting latrine duty.
The green unicorn mare nodded, not turning towards him. Her eyes were locked on the carnage. It was the thousand yard stare.
"By the gates of Tartarus..."
Bolt glanced nervously back at his partner, his armor rustling at the movement. Lance was staring at him with wide eyes. This was bad. This was very very bad. They needed to get out of here. Every instinct was telling him to run. Lance's expression hardened.
You're sure? Bolt asked with his expression. Lance nodded back at him. Right. They were royal guards. They had taken an oath to protect Equestria and its citizens. Bolt returned his attention to the shell shocked mare.
"Miss, I need you to evacuate the area."
Her ear twitched. She blinked. "Wha-?"
Lance took over, assuming the posture drilled muscle memory by countless hours of training. "This is a dangerous situation. Please let the royal guard handle it."
Her eyes flickered back and forth between them. "Are you sure? I could-"
Bolt cut her off. "Go. Now." He stood straight next to Lance.
Her eyes welled up with tears. She nodded gratefully to them, and without another word, took off, galloping down the hall. Bolt watched her go, then turned back to the scene. Lance had already returned his gaze to the floor and clearly was one step ahead of him.
"We're dead," said Lance. "We are so bucking dead." Bolt couldn't agree more. This was a disaster of epic proportions. Bolt could only nod as he surveyed the damage once more.
A slice of cake lay in the T junction of the hall. It had been brutally smashed by gravity. Its fluffy innards had crumbled, and its decadent white frosting was smeared over a far larger area than Bolt thought possible.
Princess Celestia's cake was ruined.
Bolt glanced down at his armor. There was frosting and crumbs all over his right shoulder, just like Lance's left.
Panic.
"She's going to banish us," said Bolt. "We're going to Tartarus for this. She's going to lock us in a dungeon and throw away the key."
"Hey, keep it quiet." said Lance.
But Bolt's mouth suddenly couldn't stop. "She's going to visit us every day and eat a slice of cake right in front of us."
Lance lightly punched Bolt's pauldron. "Shut up! And she wouldn't do that. This is Princess Celestia we're talking about here."
Bolt glared at Lance. "Yeah! The princess of the freaking sun who just happens to love cake! Which we ruined!"
Lance shook his head. "It's not that bad. Sure, we might get kicked out of the castle, but seriously, what's the worst that could happen?"
"I don't know!" replied Bolt. "How about double shifts in Ponyville watching the pink one?"
Lance stared at him for a moment. "What do we do?"
"What is going on here?"
Both guards turned to face the new voice behind them, then stood ramrod straight. "Lieutenant Armor!" exclaimed Bolt. "We were- We..." The words died in his throat as the Lieutenant took stock of their armor and the cake behind them.
He glared at them. "Privates, what is the meaning of this?"
Bolt thought furiously to try to come up with a good explanation, but Lance beat him to it. "It's our fault, sir. We didn't watch where we were going as we rounded the corner." Nothing for it then. Lance had already caved, so there was no point in denying it in front of a superior officer. Bolt nodded.
Shining Armor glanced back at the cake and sighed. "Boys, get this cleaned up. I'll inform the Princess."
Bolt frowned, confused. "Sir?"
The Lieutenant shook his head. "I was going to see the Princess anyway. I've got this. Make sure to wash your uniforms." With that, he trotted past them. They stared after him in stunned silence.
Lance turned to Bolt. "Holy horseapples, we're not dead."
"Oh, that's alright Shining. I just realized I have several things to take care of anyway. Perhaps you could join Cadance for tea instead?" Princess Celestia brusquely walked out the door, leaving behind a confused stallion and a blushing pink princess.
Shining blinked, then froze in confusion. "That was... Why did she only order one slice of cake?"
Candance's blush deepened. "I don't think she's as subtle as she thinks."
Shining Armor blinked again, contemplating the significance of Princess Celestia having him share a slice of cake with his marefriend. "Oh."
Those guards were definitely getting latrine duty.
This is totally going on the top of my ballot. Why? The humor is not forced, the guards' reactions are perfect, Shining Armor reaction to finally geting the damn point as to why there was only one slice of cake was fantastic, and Princess Celestia will furiously without shame burn both their hindquarters for dropping the cake. Perfect execution and I love the writing style.
Top Contender because I'm a sucker for humor.
Top Contender because I'm a sucker for humor.
This left me underwhelmed, honestly. The buildup fell flat for me, and while the ending was kind of amusing, it wasn’t anywhere near the payoff you were going for. Not sure how you could pick this up, but a story that revolves around Cakelestia isn’t my cup of tea to begin with.
You played the intro joke much too long. The transition from drama to comedy was jarring, and you spent way too much time and effort (expertly) playing up the mood just to pull the rug out from under the reader. A few sentences of build would have been sufficient. Currently, it reads like two separate stories that are completely unrelated.
I had to re-read the ending several times to get the meaning. You're just a hair too subtle. You need to make obvious who is thinking the last sentence and how they know that: my best guess is that Shining Armor is realizing that Celestia is about to order his guards to latrine duty, because there were supposed to be two pieces of cake because Celestia ordered one for the lovebirds to share and one for herself, which meant SA wasn't able to give his piece of cake to Celestia to make up for the lost piece like he'd planned. But there's a lot of inference in there, so hell if I know.
Maybe you should include a diagram or flowchart. :V
I had to re-read the ending several times to get the meaning. You're just a hair too subtle. You need to make obvious who is thinking the last sentence and how they know that: my best guess is that Shining Armor is realizing that Celestia is about to order his guards to latrine duty, because there were supposed to be two pieces of cake because Celestia ordered one for the lovebirds to share and one for herself, which meant SA wasn't able to give his piece of cake to Celestia to make up for the lost piece like he'd planned. But there's a lot of inference in there, so hell if I know.
Maybe you should include a diagram or flowchart. :V
Celestia's not as subtle as she thinks, but I have to say, the author was a touch too subtle here. It took me 3 re-reads to work out that Celestia had probably ordered two slices of cake, with the intention of cajoling SA and Cadence into sharing one. But with that revelation in mind, the buildup to that point became all but wasted. I was thinking silly drama the whole way, then got jarred off the track so badly the ending flew right by me.
Pulling the rug on the reader isn't bad by itself, but here it was just too obscured to be impactful without multiple re-reads... which defeats the purpose in the long run.
Maybe one way to compensate would be to have SA join in on the guards' panic/worry, which then gives Tia a good excuse to drag on the last scene enough to more properly reveal the plot twist.
Pulling the rug on the reader isn't bad by itself, but here it was just too obscured to be impactful without multiple re-reads... which defeats the purpose in the long run.
Maybe one way to compensate would be to have SA join in on the guards' panic/worry, which then gives Tia a good excuse to drag on the last scene enough to more properly reveal the plot twist.
Really, I must agree with the other commenters here: the initial joke somewhat overstayed its welcome, and the end was so subtle I had to read the former reviews to get it. And really, if the end is really what the others figure out it is—well it’s no big whoop. Well, I just don’t know. What’s the significance of SA and Cadence sharing a piece of cake? I don’t get it. Maybe it’s an American shtick. I’m lost.
>>Calipony
I don't think it's an American thing. At least, I haven't been informed if it is. :-P
Arbitrary tier assignment because I'm close to having reviewed all the stories and I want to get this thing done: Maybe, with some punching-up of the humor, and making the ending joke clearer.
I don't think it's an American thing. At least, I haven't been informed if it is. :-P
Arbitrary tier assignment because I'm close to having reviewed all the stories and I want to get this thing done: Maybe, with some punching-up of the humor, and making the ending joke clearer.
I guess I'll just echo what's been said: overplayed joke in the first 4/5ths or so, underplayed implications in the last part.
Cakelestia is kind of trite at this point, and plays okay for comedy but doesn't lend itself to then suddenly shifting and trying to show Celestia as a subtle, wise matchmaker / schemer-behind-the-scenes.
This story's focus on what it wants to be is a little too mixed. It either needs adjustment to be straight-up well executed comedy or a light drama of well-intentioned romantic meddling, or it needs more room than the minific word limit to make that shift without feeling conflicted internally.
Cakelestia is kind of trite at this point, and plays okay for comedy but doesn't lend itself to then suddenly shifting and trying to show Celestia as a subtle, wise matchmaker / schemer-behind-the-scenes.
This story's focus on what it wants to be is a little too mixed. It either needs adjustment to be straight-up well executed comedy or a light drama of well-intentioned romantic meddling, or it needs more room than the minific word limit to make that shift without feeling conflicted internally.
>>Soaring
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Trick_Question
>>GrandMoffPony
>>Calipony
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Winston
Honor, Duty, and Sacrfice: Author's Retrospective
Thank you to everyone who read and a special thanks to those who provided feedback! This was my first attempt at writing comedy, and I hope you enjoyed it, even though it clearly fell flat for many of you. There's some major confusion with the punchline and some problems with the build up that have been made much clearer thanks to your comments. Feel free to join me in this rambling explanation of where this story came from and what I planned to do with it.
First, a lot of the issues stem directly from the writing process. It went thusly:
- 2:00PM USA Eastern (24 hours to deadline): Well... horseapples. I've got nothing...
- 2:00AM/3:00AM DST USA Eastern (12 hours to deadline): Hey, that could work... but I'm really tired...
- 9:00AM USA Eastern (5 hours to deadline): And that would be a stupid ending if she just doesn't get mad at them.
- 10:00AM USA Eastern (4 hours to deadline): Unless someone else can take the fall for it! But everypony who might be able to take the fall and keep the perception of it being serious is gone in canon...
- 11:00AM USA Eastern (3 hours to deadline): Wait! Pre-wedding Shining Armor and Cadance! And I can have legitimate reason for Celestia not being disappointed! And... Holy cow I have an idea... I... think I'd better start writing...
- 1:00AM USA Eastern (1 hour to deadline): Ok, getting a bit long. Let's keep the ending short, but not too short or I'll write myself into a wall.
- 1:30AM USA Eastern (30 minutes to deadline): So, this wasn't exactly meant to be a punchline, but I'm out of time and words, and hey, comedy needs a punchline. And why not keep it vague? Surely there's some comedy analog for leaving threats up to the imagination, right?
- 1:35AM USA Eastern (25 minutes to deadline): Why is it still 850 words?!?!
- 1:40AM USA Eastern (20 minutes to deadline): *Weeping and gnashing of teeth, cutting explanatory content*
- 1:45AM USA Eastern (15 minutes to deadline): Ok, title... title... Hey, this fits. Submit!
And cue comments about not getting the punchline. And really, two slices of cake? How the... the first line of the story is about it being the last slice! I need to clear this up. You're probably looking for the TL;DR anyways, so here's what I was going for:
So you can see, probably not as punchy and requires a whole lot more exposition to get it right. This right here was the only reason I actually considered entering this idea for the Writeoff. I wanted to introduce the concept that a Celestia who really loves cake might gift a single slice to show approval, nay, to give her blessing to the happy couple. Otherwise it's just Celestia likes cake... And a couple of guards ruin it. As submitted, if one were to pick up on it, the significance of sharing the cake could mean a simple date, to marriage encouragement, to even innuendo, which is why I let it go and still hit submit.
Now see why Shining is assigning them latrine duty?
Regarding the build up, I'm a little unsure where to take it. Some of you have complimented the build up for its execution, but most of you have stated it overstays its welcome.
The length is tied into the title (which actually should be Duty, Honor and Sacrifice, but panic made me choose the word order that rolled off the tongue fastest). There's four parts to this story: The newbie guards show duty by clearing the area to deal with the crisis, they show honor by taking responsibility with little hesitation when confronted by a superior officer despite their panic, and Shining Armor rewards them by taking the blame is meant in a particularly messianic act that is supposed to raise his standing among his subordinates. This is all wrapped up by the turn where Celestia reveals it wasn't a big deal after all.
See, the humor was meant to be found mostly in ponies blowing a small mess out of proportion, exacerbated by how serious all the guards (including Shining) approach the situation. I wanted to present a universe similar to Princess Celestia Hates Tea where there is a perception that cake is really important to Celestia, but in reality, it's just one of her delights. The difference would be that instead of Equestria actually hinging on this delight, they all just think it's the end of the world, and Celestia just happens to really like cake. I had no intention of focusing on Cakelestia or giving any impression of malice behind this perception. Perhaps that could be retooled by switching the guards' worries from fearing Celestia's retribution to fearing what it will do to their standing, being newbies who just ruined Celestia's cake.
As for the length of this chunk, perhaps it could be addressed by proportion. As Winston suggests, it might play out better at an even pace with a longer word count.
So, that's what I wanted to say about this story. Maybe I'll get around to touching it up at some point. If you've read this far, thanks for joining me on my post-contest rambling!
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Trick_Question
>>GrandMoffPony
>>Calipony
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Winston
Honor, Duty, and Sacrfice: Author's Retrospective
Thank you to everyone who read and a special thanks to those who provided feedback! This was my first attempt at writing comedy, and I hope you enjoyed it, even though it clearly fell flat for many of you. There's some major confusion with the punchline and some problems with the build up that have been made much clearer thanks to your comments. Feel free to join me in this rambling explanation of where this story came from and what I planned to do with it.
First, a lot of the issues stem directly from the writing process. It went thusly:
- 2:00PM USA Eastern (24 hours to deadline): Well... horseapples. I've got nothing...
- 2:00AM/3:00AM DST USA Eastern (12 hours to deadline): Hey, that could work... but I'm really tired...
- 9:00AM USA Eastern (5 hours to deadline): And that would be a stupid ending if she just doesn't get mad at them.
- 10:00AM USA Eastern (4 hours to deadline): Unless someone else can take the fall for it! But everypony who might be able to take the fall and keep the perception of it being serious is gone in canon...
- 11:00AM USA Eastern (3 hours to deadline): Wait! Pre-wedding Shining Armor and Cadance! And I can have legitimate reason for Celestia not being disappointed! And... Holy cow I have an idea... I... think I'd better start writing...
- 1:00AM USA Eastern (1 hour to deadline): Ok, getting a bit long. Let's keep the ending short, but not too short or I'll write myself into a wall.
- 1:30AM USA Eastern (30 minutes to deadline): So, this wasn't exactly meant to be a punchline, but I'm out of time and words, and hey, comedy needs a punchline. And why not keep it vague? Surely there's some comedy analog for leaving threats up to the imagination, right?
- 1:35AM USA Eastern (25 minutes to deadline): Why is it still 850 words?!?!
- 1:40AM USA Eastern (20 minutes to deadline): *Weeping and gnashing of teeth, cutting explanatory content*
- 1:45AM USA Eastern (15 minutes to deadline): Ok, title... title... Hey, this fits. Submit!
And cue comments about not getting the punchline. And really, two slices of cake? How the... the first line of the story is about it being the last slice! I need to clear this up. You're probably looking for the TL;DR anyways, so here's what I was going for:
"Princess, I regret to inform you that an accident occurred in the hall." This was embarrassing. Reporting the guards' failiure as his own to Celestia was bad enough, but to do it in front of Cadance as well? Still, decorum was absolutely required. His position demanded no less. "Your slice of cake was the only casualty, but it was a total loss." This wasn't going to do him any favors. How the hay was he supposed to stay on her good side while dating her adopted niece and destroying her cake? "I take full responsibility." Shining Armor braced himself for his punishment.
"Oh, that's alright Shining," replied Celestia.
What?
She looked pensive. "I could - no, the symbolism is gone. But you can still..." Shining Armor stared at the princess incredulously as she cleared her throat. "I just realized I have several things to take care of anyway. Perhaps you could join Cadance for tea instead?" She rose from the table and walked brusquely for the door.
Shining Armor sputtered, "I - but the cake... and didn't you have orders?"
Princess Celestia paused and gave him a brilliant smile. "Take the day off, Lieutenant. Enjoy yourself!" With that, she walked out the door, leaving behind a confused stallion and a blushing pink princess.
Shining Armor blinked. "Wait, she set us up on a date?"
Cadance nodded. "I think she was trying to be subtle."
"Huh..." Shining grunted, "So the cake was for us to share..." He moved forward to join Cadance at the table, then paused. "What did she mean about symbolism?"
Cadance's blush deepened. "Well, would you prefer she threw rings at us and told us to get on with it?"
Oh.
Those guards were definitely getting latrine duty.
So you can see, probably not as punchy and requires a whole lot more exposition to get it right. This right here was the only reason I actually considered entering this idea for the Writeoff. I wanted to introduce the concept that a Celestia who really loves cake might gift a single slice to show approval, nay, to give her blessing to the happy couple. Otherwise it's just Celestia likes cake... And a couple of guards ruin it. As submitted, if one were to pick up on it, the significance of sharing the cake could mean a simple date, to marriage encouragement, to even innuendo, which is why I let it go and still hit submit.
Now see why Shining is assigning them latrine duty?
Regarding the build up, I'm a little unsure where to take it. Some of you have complimented the build up for its execution, but most of you have stated it overstays its welcome.
The length is tied into the title (which actually should be Duty, Honor and Sacrifice, but panic made me choose the word order that rolled off the tongue fastest). There's four parts to this story: The newbie guards show duty by clearing the area to deal with the crisis, they show honor by taking responsibility with little hesitation when confronted by a superior officer despite their panic, and Shining Armor rewards them by taking the blame is meant in a particularly messianic act that is supposed to raise his standing among his subordinates. This is all wrapped up by the turn where Celestia reveals it wasn't a big deal after all.
See, the humor was meant to be found mostly in ponies blowing a small mess out of proportion, exacerbated by how serious all the guards (including Shining) approach the situation. I wanted to present a universe similar to Princess Celestia Hates Tea where there is a perception that cake is really important to Celestia, but in reality, it's just one of her delights. The difference would be that instead of Equestria actually hinging on this delight, they all just think it's the end of the world, and Celestia just happens to really like cake. I had no intention of focusing on Cakelestia or giving any impression of malice behind this perception. Perhaps that could be retooled by switching the guards' worries from fearing Celestia's retribution to fearing what it will do to their standing, being newbies who just ruined Celestia's cake.
As for the length of this chunk, perhaps it could be addressed by proportion. As Winston suggests, it might play out better at an even pace with a longer word count.
So, that's what I wanted to say about this story. Maybe I'll get around to touching it up at some point. If you've read this far, thanks for joining me on my post-contest rambling!