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Yalta
“It will work. I’m positive it will. You’ll see—well no, actually you won’t but take my word for it.”
“How can you be so sure? It’s a crazy idea after all…” The other mare trailed off and ambled across the room. Her hooves barely sounded on the thick rugs the floor was covered in. “After all it’s been tried once and it has failed. There’s no reason why you should succeed where others probably greater than you have come a cropper.”
“The circumstances were different. There was a war. The country was starved and the commoners had had it. Here in Equestria all is so marvellous, the land is prospering and everypony’s happy—well, if you don’t scratch too much, of course.” She grimaced. “The goals were different too, and I don’t have any intention to use the same means. I must carry on cautiously and bit by bit.”
“How do you intend to proceed? I mean, I won’t be here to watch you, so I’m fairly intrigued.”
“I must first find a suitable place, preferably hidden away from the busiest roads. Then I’ll try to recruit one or two ponies to work out the basics with me. You know, building the first houses, growing the first vegetables and so on. Once it’ll be started I count on the grapevine and a snowball effect.”
She walked to the window and looked outside at the city below. Canterlot. Canterlot the capital city. Canterlot the blessed. Canterlot the immortal. So tamed, so busy, so perfect. So… prig. She stifled a belch.
“That doesn’t sound much of a plan,” the other mare retorted behind.
She sighed and turned around to face her. “Look, I’m going to offer something nopony has ever offered before. It’s a unique opportunity for all the outcasts or those who’ve been unduly whacked by destiny, a second chance to start again from scratch and find the happiness they’ve always been denied here.”
“Well, if you say so.” The other mare snickered.
“Don’t worry for me.” She made a gesture that took in all the shelves that sat in the attics. “I’ve studied it over and over again. I know the theory to a T.”
“There’s a big gap between theory and practice my young trainee. And—”
“The last thing I desire is your commiseration,” she snapped. “After all your own plan is not really that solid either, so don’t lecture me.”
There was a heavy hush. Then the other unicorn pointed at the books. “Are you sure you don’t need any other reference material? Remember I have just one passage left. The next one will be a single ticket, at least for a good while. So it’s your last call here.”
“No I’m fine. I’m not like her new pet, that dweeb of Twilight Sparkle.” She smirked. “I don’t accumulate books just for the sake of it. What I really need on the other hand is that you keep your promise: if we both succeed, each one ignores the other. Deal?”
The other mare giggled. “Deal! Equestria is large enough for the both of us. At a pinch, we’ll build a wall. But don’t be so hard on that Twilight Sparkle. She might have one or two talents that could be useful… to me.”
She looked up at the wall clock. “Well, it’s not that I get bored but it’s high time I began packing up.” She walked to the shelves, and, using her magic, picked up a few books that she carefully stacked on the floor.
The other mare came closer. “What books are you taking with you?”
“Oh, the basics: Marx, Lenin, Bakunin, Proudhon. The others I can dispense with.”
“I see. Thanks for your help with the mirror, Starlight. Without your magic, I’d never have been able to reactivate it.” The other mare reached out with her foreleg, and Starlight did the same with hers until both hooves connected.
“Good luck to you Starlight!” the other mare said. “To you and your petty egalitarian utopia.”
Starlight Glimmer smiled. “And good luck to you in your fancy other world, miss megalomaniac Sunset. Thanks for bringing back all those works. I hope we meet again soon.”
“I’m sure looking forward to it,” Sunset replied. “Goodbye for now! Canterlot’s high is expecting me.”
Without waiting for an answer, Sunset Shimmer turned around, walked across the room to the door, opened it and vanished into the corridor.
“How can you be so sure? It’s a crazy idea after all…” The other mare trailed off and ambled across the room. Her hooves barely sounded on the thick rugs the floor was covered in. “After all it’s been tried once and it has failed. There’s no reason why you should succeed where others probably greater than you have come a cropper.”
“The circumstances were different. There was a war. The country was starved and the commoners had had it. Here in Equestria all is so marvellous, the land is prospering and everypony’s happy—well, if you don’t scratch too much, of course.” She grimaced. “The goals were different too, and I don’t have any intention to use the same means. I must carry on cautiously and bit by bit.”
“How do you intend to proceed? I mean, I won’t be here to watch you, so I’m fairly intrigued.”
“I must first find a suitable place, preferably hidden away from the busiest roads. Then I’ll try to recruit one or two ponies to work out the basics with me. You know, building the first houses, growing the first vegetables and so on. Once it’ll be started I count on the grapevine and a snowball effect.”
She walked to the window and looked outside at the city below. Canterlot. Canterlot the capital city. Canterlot the blessed. Canterlot the immortal. So tamed, so busy, so perfect. So… prig. She stifled a belch.
“That doesn’t sound much of a plan,” the other mare retorted behind.
She sighed and turned around to face her. “Look, I’m going to offer something nopony has ever offered before. It’s a unique opportunity for all the outcasts or those who’ve been unduly whacked by destiny, a second chance to start again from scratch and find the happiness they’ve always been denied here.”
“Well, if you say so.” The other mare snickered.
“Don’t worry for me.” She made a gesture that took in all the shelves that sat in the attics. “I’ve studied it over and over again. I know the theory to a T.”
“There’s a big gap between theory and practice my young trainee. And—”
“The last thing I desire is your commiseration,” she snapped. “After all your own plan is not really that solid either, so don’t lecture me.”
There was a heavy hush. Then the other unicorn pointed at the books. “Are you sure you don’t need any other reference material? Remember I have just one passage left. The next one will be a single ticket, at least for a good while. So it’s your last call here.”
“No I’m fine. I’m not like her new pet, that dweeb of Twilight Sparkle.” She smirked. “I don’t accumulate books just for the sake of it. What I really need on the other hand is that you keep your promise: if we both succeed, each one ignores the other. Deal?”
The other mare giggled. “Deal! Equestria is large enough for the both of us. At a pinch, we’ll build a wall. But don’t be so hard on that Twilight Sparkle. She might have one or two talents that could be useful… to me.”
She looked up at the wall clock. “Well, it’s not that I get bored but it’s high time I began packing up.” She walked to the shelves, and, using her magic, picked up a few books that she carefully stacked on the floor.
The other mare came closer. “What books are you taking with you?”
“Oh, the basics: Marx, Lenin, Bakunin, Proudhon. The others I can dispense with.”
“I see. Thanks for your help with the mirror, Starlight. Without your magic, I’d never have been able to reactivate it.” The other mare reached out with her foreleg, and Starlight did the same with hers until both hooves connected.
“Good luck to you Starlight!” the other mare said. “To you and your petty egalitarian utopia.”
Starlight Glimmer smiled. “And good luck to you in your fancy other world, miss megalomaniac Sunset. Thanks for bringing back all those works. I hope we meet again soon.”
“I’m sure looking forward to it,” Sunset replied. “Goodbye for now! Canterlot’s high is expecting me.”
Without waiting for an answer, Sunset Shimmer turned around, walked across the room to the door, opened it and vanished into the corridor.
The mystery here came just shy of overstaying its welcome. Fortunately, the reveal is pretty interesting.
The lack of anything but dialogue was kind of a turn-off, and enhances my uncertainty about whether the piece is ephemeral beyond its execution of the reveal.
An expanded version of this would probably carry more oomph. As it is, I will applaud the core concept and the reveal.
The lack of anything but dialogue was kind of a turn-off, and enhances my uncertainty about whether the piece is ephemeral beyond its execution of the reveal.
An expanded version of this would probably carry more oomph. As it is, I will applaud the core concept and the reveal.
I have no idea what’s going on here. The minimal description and ambiguous terms are meant to build up an air of intriguing mystery, but they just leave me lost, unable to visualize the scene and caring less and less and time goes on.
I don’t know what you think “prig” means, but that isn’t it. For one thing, it’s a noun.
Okay. I see what you were going for, but the execution is definitely lacking. For one, memes aside, Starlight isn’t a communist but a cult leader. This would’ve been a lot more interesting without the ambiguity and with some more proofreading. As is, it at least has a promising premise.
I don’t know what you think “prig” means, but that isn’t it. For one thing, it’s a noun.
Okay. I see what you were going for, but the execution is definitely lacking. For one, memes aside, Starlight isn’t a communist but a cult leader. This would’ve been a lot more interesting without the ambiguity and with some more proofreading. As is, it at least has a promising premise.
Passively saying "the other mare" is not a good way to introduce two characters at once. If you need to hide the identities of the two speakers, try "said the first mare" and "said the second" at the beginning.
I'm not sure what you gain by hiding that information from the reader, however. It isn't a twist if the reader has no idea what's going on until the end of the story. A twist is when you subvert reader expectations, not when you confuse them by withholding vital information for the entire story. Trying to follow what's going on here is incredibly frustrating because we don't know who the characters are or have the slightest clue what they're talking about. You're trying too hard to be sneaky and it makes for an annoying mess, I fear.
Somehow I still figured out who the characters were even before the book titles were given, despite how the relationship between the two of them doesn't make sense. Their worldviews are so different I have a hard time imagining one of them could be the "student" of the other, in particular given how much they highlight their differences in the conversation. Further, you really don't call someone a "megalomaniac" on friendly terms, even as a joke (that isn't a condition that comes with insight).
The phrase "probably greater than you" should be dropped, it's awkward and superfluous.
I'm not sure what you gain by hiding that information from the reader, however. It isn't a twist if the reader has no idea what's going on until the end of the story. A twist is when you subvert reader expectations, not when you confuse them by withholding vital information for the entire story. Trying to follow what's going on here is incredibly frustrating because we don't know who the characters are or have the slightest clue what they're talking about. You're trying too hard to be sneaky and it makes for an annoying mess, I fear.
Somehow I still figured out who the characters were even before the book titles were given, despite how the relationship between the two of them doesn't make sense. Their worldviews are so different I have a hard time imagining one of them could be the "student" of the other, in particular given how much they highlight their differences in the conversation. Further, you really don't call someone a "megalomaniac" on friendly terms, even as a joke (that isn't a condition that comes with insight).
The phrase "probably greater than you" should be dropped, it's awkward and superfluous.
This is kind of just setup-ey. I mean, okay, they worked together, aaaand....what? What's the hook, here? Right now we kind of just have a 'Look at us, about to be evil, mwa ha ha ha ha'.
The title is a clever bit, though.
The title is a clever bit, though.
This story seems to be mostly focused on the reveal, but I didn't see much to it other than that. It's them; so... what? I mean, what's the meaning, the point, the message, the end goal? The mystery/reveal did interest me, but it didn't come in strongly enough to hook me hard, and when it finished it didn't seem to convey much meaning to me.
This isn't bad. But consider why you're using the tools you are; and if you know that, but you're readers aren't getting it, consider being less subtle about what the meaning/point is, I guess?
This isn't bad. But consider why you're using the tools you are; and if you know that, but you're readers aren't getting it, consider being less subtle about what the meaning/point is, I guess?
Too much mystery on top of mystery. It takes away from the suspense when the clues arrive so late.
I'm kinda wondering what Sunset is getting out of this deal. That might've added some more depth to this one.
I'm kinda wondering what Sunset is getting out of this deal. That might've added some more depth to this one.
The few "reveals" we got came only in a rush at the very end,but in addition to coming out of the blue, they didn't offer any real hook to this. There's some build-up to a mystery here, but it just kind of drops off right there.
Also, hiding the characters until the end of the piece had me spending brain power trying to figure out who it was instead of focusing on the words themselves. That's not to say there should be no mystery to it. Some of that can be a very good thing. But if you keep things too murky, it's very hard to try and mentally frame what you're reading.
Also, hiding the characters until the end of the piece had me spending brain power trying to figure out who it was instead of focusing on the words themselves. That's not to say there should be no mystery to it. Some of that can be a very good thing. But if you keep things too murky, it's very hard to try and mentally frame what you're reading.
Very little to add to existing comments. It was certainly an interesting reveal, but you played your cards way too close to your chest on the way there; we spend 2/3 of the story not knowing what the plan is that they are discussing, and the story definitely needs a hook to provide enough context to carry us through all that buildup.
Have you considered revealing one of the characters' identities at the beginning, and then having the twist be the discovery of who the other one is?
Tier: Needs Work
Have you considered revealing one of the characters' identities at the beginning, and then having the twist be the discovery of who the other one is?
Tier: Needs Work
Yalta - B- due to heavy-hooved writing, holding the drama far longer than needed, and classic stereotyping. Now pull this train of thought over to the side of the road while I write a ticket. Seriously, there’s lots of room for improvement here, but your basic plotline is more of a line segment.
>>CoffeeMinion
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Trick_Question
>>georg
>>horizon
>>GrandMoffPony
>>Morning Sun
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Haze
Christ, so many people commented on that one? Sorry guys, I failed you and I apologise. I thought it was somehow clever and smart to hide the identities of both ponies and let you guess though the dialogue. Well, turns out it didn't amuse anybody. Sorry again.
That story was more or less meant as a gift to our chat Russian Oblomov. The idea was that in exchange for her helping in activating the transdimensional mirror, Sunset brings back communist works to Starlight who reads them as a source of inspiration for her utopia. I thought the concept of Starlight and Sunset knowing each other was fun. At least, you seemed to be not sold on the idea, but found it valuable.
Thanks for your comments and taking the time to read this pap.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Trick_Question
>>georg
>>horizon
>>GrandMoffPony
>>Morning Sun
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Haze
Christ, so many people commented on that one? Sorry guys, I failed you and I apologise. I thought it was somehow clever and smart to hide the identities of both ponies and let you guess though the dialogue. Well, turns out it didn't amuse anybody. Sorry again.
That story was more or less meant as a gift to our chat Russian Oblomov. The idea was that in exchange for her helping in activating the transdimensional mirror, Sunset brings back communist works to Starlight who reads them as a source of inspiration for her utopia. I thought the concept of Starlight and Sunset knowing each other was fun. At least, you seemed to be not sold on the idea, but found it valuable.
Thanks for your comments and taking the time to read this pap.