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Quick gripe: I despise "Anon". It's unoriginal, and incredibly stupid. If you're going to do a serious second-person fic, don't use a stale 4chan meme to do it. Just do a second-person fic. Your 4chan tie-in dropped this story by several slots, even though I understand the fanfic meta you're aiming at in the twist.
That said, this is a great story. I thought you were overpersonalizing the reader until the twist at the end, so I would actually push a little further in that direction: describe the reader's life in more detail to make it clear that the reader is more than an "anypony" passive participant. I think some ponies will be unclear about the ending because you don't push it hard enough.
It would help considerably if the development of the second-person character became increasingly clearly part of Pinkie's fantasy. You could really make this story shine, but it needs a little work.
That said, this is a great story. I thought you were overpersonalizing the reader until the twist at the end, so I would actually push a little further in that direction: describe the reader's life in more detail to make it clear that the reader is more than an "anypony" passive participant. I think some ponies will be unclear about the ending because you don't push it hard enough.
It would help considerably if the development of the second-person character became increasingly clearly part of Pinkie's fantasy. You could really make this story shine, but it needs a little work.
Second person Anon. It really is your funeral, author.
Pinkie pretends she gives big welcome parties to all newcomers? What? On top of the front-loaded chunk of character exposition, this is really unwelcoming.
… What? The perspective shifts, Twilight has a love interest, and apparently Anon was Pinkie’s imaginary friend? I am speechless. All I can say is that this did not work for me in the least.
Pinkie pretends she gives big welcome parties to all newcomers? What? On top of the front-loaded chunk of character exposition, this is really unwelcoming.
… What? The perspective shifts, Twilight has a love interest, and apparently Anon was Pinkie’s imaginary friend? I am speechless. All I can say is that this did not work for me in the least.
One of those big welcoming parties that she pretends she gives to all new visitors.
my face when. No no no, author, you can't just casually slide in a line like that and continue on with your story.
Reading the rest, I can see what you're going for with it, but … that isn't foreshadowing, it's the wham line, and you've dropped it without context way too early. I can appreciate what this story was trying to do — and I'm a big fan of this sort of subversion, so I want it to work — but between that and the ending, this really needs a structural overhaul. I agree with >>Trick_Question that this needs a staged reveal, starting with some odd inconsistencies to signal that maybe this isn't quite what it seems, and accumulating little foreshadowings until the wham line of the twist, right at the end.
Also crucial: I'm pretty uncomfortable with my reading of the ending. The story seems to build to Anon as Pinkie Pie's imaginary friend, but then she turns around and his cleaning actually happened, which undermines the twist that would have made sense of everything. Also, Twilight's got a male romantic interest, and no other names are ever mentioned besides Anon's: is that some sort of implication that Anon is actually Twilight's lover? But he and Pinkie were really cuddly, and based on the last line he actually exists rather than being her imaginary friend — so is the real point of this that Anon is cheating on Twilight with Pinkie? Or is this some sort of creepy nonconsensual mind-controlling harem thing, like Anon in alarajrogers' Not The Hero? D: I suspect that you are writing in some Big Implications that you really did not intend, and I look forward to finding out the intention here.
Hmmm... I feel like I want to like this story. You've got some implications here that could be really neat - if I had a better idea where you were going with them.
The specificity of the first bit seems to imply that something important happened immediately before this, but I'm not sure what.
My best guess is that 'Anon' is somehow supposed to show the 'real' Pinkie, while the pinkie 'we' see is the one she imagines herself as? That could be cool. The bit at the end with the cake batter disappearing is interesting in that context, because it could suggest that something more is going on here, but it's very unclear what that is.
I dunno, author. I think you've got the seed of something really interesting here. But this treatment isn't strong enough to sell me on it very strongly. Still, I like it for what it is, despite what's holding it back for me.
The specificity of the first bit seems to imply that something important happened immediately before this, but I'm not sure what.
My best guess is that 'Anon' is somehow supposed to show the 'real' Pinkie, while the pinkie 'we' see is the one she imagines herself as? That could be cool. The bit at the end with the cake batter disappearing is interesting in that context, because it could suggest that something more is going on here, but it's very unclear what that is.
I dunno, author. I think you've got the seed of something really interesting here. But this treatment isn't strong enough to sell me on it very strongly. Still, I like it for what it is, despite what's holding it back for me.
I was at first really, really wincing at this. And then the twist, and I realized you’d pulled the rug out from under me.
This story is actually really tricksy. This line in particular:
Echoes a thought I’ve had before – that Pinkie Pie doesn’t actually throw huge parties for every new person who comes to town, at least not like the one she threw Twilight.
But here, at first, it seems to have a messed up context to it – namely, that Anon decided that he was special to Pinkie Pie, and that she threw him a totally ordinary party and he decided she actually wanted to be his lover.
Then we go on and see that she seems to be his lover, until we get to the twist that he was never really there at all.
I will note that I agree with >>Trick_Question: don’t use Anon. Just avoid using a name for the unnamed second person protagonist at all - or possibly DO give them a name at some point, as a hint that they're a real, specific person that Pinkie is fantasizing about.
The biggest thing about this is my question as to whether or not the second person protagonist doesn’t exist at all, or if they do exist and are, in fact, dating Twilight. Making this clearer would help the ending; I think it is the latter, and if so, I think that’s deliciously messed up, as it suddenly changes the context of Pinkie’s party from something that “you” thought she was doing for you, even though she didn’t, to it being something she really DID do for “you”, and you just didn’t notice. And that’s deliciously tragic and glorious.
That said, I think that this was quite brilliant if it is the story I think it is, but I do think you could make it shine more (and make it more obvious what is really going on).
>>horizon
Pinkie Pie was bending over to clean up the spilled batter when “you” came in. She was fantasizing about “you” while she was cleaning up the mess.
This story is actually really tricksy. This line in particular:
One of those big welcoming parties that she pretends she gives to all new visitors.
Echoes a thought I’ve had before – that Pinkie Pie doesn’t actually throw huge parties for every new person who comes to town, at least not like the one she threw Twilight.
But here, at first, it seems to have a messed up context to it – namely, that Anon decided that he was special to Pinkie Pie, and that she threw him a totally ordinary party and he decided she actually wanted to be his lover.
Then we go on and see that she seems to be his lover, until we get to the twist that he was never really there at all.
I will note that I agree with >>Trick_Question: don’t use Anon. Just avoid using a name for the unnamed second person protagonist at all - or possibly DO give them a name at some point, as a hint that they're a real, specific person that Pinkie is fantasizing about.
The biggest thing about this is my question as to whether or not the second person protagonist doesn’t exist at all, or if they do exist and are, in fact, dating Twilight. Making this clearer would help the ending; I think it is the latter, and if so, I think that’s deliciously messed up, as it suddenly changes the context of Pinkie’s party from something that “you” thought she was doing for you, even though she didn’t, to it being something she really DID do for “you”, and you just didn’t notice. And that’s deliciously tragic and glorious.
That said, I think that this was quite brilliant if it is the story I think it is, but I do think you could make it shine more (and make it more obvious what is really going on).
>>horizon
Pinkie Pie was bending over to clean up the spilled batter when “you” came in. She was fantasizing about “you” while she was cleaning up the mess.
>>TitaniumDragon
I don't think the text as written supports the interpretation in your final sentence. She is in the process of cleaning when Anon arrives, and when the work is handed off it is explicitly not finished. Anon continues to scrub throughout the first half of the story. The last that is said about the cake batter is, when Pinkie sneaks up on him for snuggling, "You drop the cleaning brush and reach back to scratch her cheek," and that reads to me as if Anon was interrupted in the middle of his work.
And then when Twilight arrives, "Pinkie turned around to greet her friend, and tumbled down off the countertop." So: A) she was explicitly no longer working on the floor cleaning. And B) The floor being clean in the last line is presented as a surprise to her, not to mention that the passive construction of "It had all been wiped away" is a pretty severe textual signal that the narrator/observer is not the cause of the actions. I think the only actual textual support for the notion of Pinkie doing all the cleaning is that the story makes less sense if she doesn't — but given the contrary clues in the rest of the text, that should be considered a story fault, not an invitation to inference.
Oh, and I never gave this a tier, so: Almost There
I don't think the text as written supports the interpretation in your final sentence. She is in the process of cleaning when Anon arrives, and when the work is handed off it is explicitly not finished. Anon continues to scrub throughout the first half of the story. The last that is said about the cake batter is, when Pinkie sneaks up on him for snuggling, "You drop the cleaning brush and reach back to scratch her cheek," and that reads to me as if Anon was interrupted in the middle of his work.
And then when Twilight arrives, "Pinkie turned around to greet her friend, and tumbled down off the countertop." So: A) she was explicitly no longer working on the floor cleaning. And B) The floor being clean in the last line is presented as a surprise to her, not to mention that the passive construction of "It had all been wiped away" is a pretty severe textual signal that the narrator/observer is not the cause of the actions. I think the only actual textual support for the notion of Pinkie doing all the cleaning is that the story makes less sense if she doesn't — but given the contrary clues in the rest of the text, that should be considered a story fault, not an invitation to inference.
Oh, and I never gave this a tier, so: Almost There
>>horizon
>>TitaniumDragon
I have to side with TD on this one. Pinkie's imagining somepony else doing the cleaning, but that doesn't mean she isn't doing the cleaning herself. If you accept that her fantasy of another person helping her is true, surely it's not a stretch to accept that she's imagining that person doing the work that she's actually doing at the same time.
>>TitaniumDragon
I have to side with TD on this one. Pinkie's imagining somepony else doing the cleaning, but that doesn't mean she isn't doing the cleaning herself. If you accept that her fantasy of another person helping her is true, surely it's not a stretch to accept that she's imagining that person doing the work that she's actually doing at the same time.
Clever. Very clever. Others are supplying some ideas for tweaks and such, but there are some strong core ideas at work here.
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
>>horizon
>>Not_A_Hat
>>FanOfMostEverything
I'm like, 99% certain we all misunderstood this story. I was thinking about this while walking around town today, and I realized:
You = Twilight.
Also, Horizon (>>horizon) - reread the bit when Twilight enters the store:
Pinkie Pie was imagining being on "your" back at that point, and then when Twilight comes in suddenly falls off the countertop. This is a clear sign that the whole thing was Pinkie Pie cleaning up herself and imagining being there with Twilight, as how else would she get on that countertop?
Anyway, yeah. This story isn't about a human in Equestria; it is about Pinkie fantasizing about Twilight. Note that the story never specifies gender or species. There's no sign of "you" being human, and it fits Twilight perfectly.
Author, you really shouldn't have used Anon there, as it hid the point of your story. If you'd have used Twilight's name - possibly right before she came in - it would have made the story way clearer to folks.
>>Trick_Question
>>horizon
>>Not_A_Hat
>>FanOfMostEverything
I'm like, 99% certain we all misunderstood this story. I was thinking about this while walking around town today, and I realized:
Back where you came from, you were a bit of a bookworm, but proud of it. Your intellectual talents got your school tuition fees covered, so it was like having an enjoyable job. but had trouble socializing with fellow classmates. It didn't bother you much back then, since it meant more time just for you and your thoughts, keeping each other company. Even though your thoughts provided an interesting and challenging friendship, it did sting a little that it couldn't provide much for romance. Your thoughts would reassure you by telling you that love would find you eventually. A good, supportive friend.
You magically ended up in Ponyville that one day, feeling vulnerable and lost in a foreign world. Pinkie Pie was the first pony you met there, and though it was a little awkward, she ended up throwing you a surprise party. One of those big welcoming parties that she pretends she gives to all new visitors.
You = Twilight.
Also, Horizon (>>horizon) - reread the bit when Twilight enters the store:
Pinkie turned around to greet her friend, and tumbled down off the countertop.
Pinkie Pie was imagining being on "your" back at that point, and then when Twilight comes in suddenly falls off the countertop. This is a clear sign that the whole thing was Pinkie Pie cleaning up herself and imagining being there with Twilight, as how else would she get on that countertop?
Anyway, yeah. This story isn't about a human in Equestria; it is about Pinkie fantasizing about Twilight. Note that the story never specifies gender or species. There's no sign of "you" being human, and it fits Twilight perfectly.
Author, you really shouldn't have used Anon there, as it hid the point of your story. If you'd have used Twilight's name - possibly right before she came in - it would have made the story way clearer to folks.
>>TitaniumDragon
Author, if TD's latest spoilertext is what you was going for, that would have been a much more interesting story than what's on the page, and I encourage you to edit it accordingly.
But the interpretation of you = Twilight Sparkle is directly and obviously contradicted by the text in multiple places. Most notably "She buries her curly mane into your shirt." and "You feel her noogie your hair with a hoof" and "Pinkie wrapping her hooves around your waist from behind", all referencing human clothing and anatomy. 2: "She leans down and gives a soft kiss on your cheek. She holds it there, feeling the warmth of your skin." While ponies do have skin underneath their hair/pelt/whatever, this image is specifically evocative of humans. 3: why would bookworm Twilight have the idea to jump Applejack's hay bales with Pinkie on her back? 4: most importantly, "Anon" is NOT a generic "you": Anon is a specific named fanon character who is male, human, and a computer nerd (with somewhat shifting details beyond that depending on writer interpretation). To say that the story doesn't identify "you" by gender or race is equivalent to saying that this story doesn't gender/race-identify Twilight Sparkle, which is also technically true, but there is a specific image that invokes and every reader should be able to safely assume (unless contradicted by textual evidence) that she is a female pony.
And yes, I caught that Pinkie was on the countertop when Twilight arrived. That was part of my original complaint: that specifically supports the interpretation that "you" is imaginary, while the other things I cited support the opposite, so the story feels to me very incoherent.
Author, if TD's latest spoilertext is what you was going for, that would have been a much more interesting story than what's on the page, and I encourage you to edit it accordingly.
But the interpretation of you = Twilight Sparkle is directly and obviously contradicted by the text in multiple places. Most notably "She buries her curly mane into your shirt." and "You feel her noogie your hair with a hoof" and "Pinkie wrapping her hooves around your waist from behind", all referencing human clothing and anatomy. 2: "She leans down and gives a soft kiss on your cheek. She holds it there, feeling the warmth of your skin." While ponies do have skin underneath their hair/pelt/whatever, this image is specifically evocative of humans. 3: why would bookworm Twilight have the idea to jump Applejack's hay bales with Pinkie on her back? 4: most importantly, "Anon" is NOT a generic "you": Anon is a specific named fanon character who is male, human, and a computer nerd (with somewhat shifting details beyond that depending on writer interpretation). To say that the story doesn't identify "you" by gender or race is equivalent to saying that this story doesn't gender/race-identify Twilight Sparkle, which is also technically true, but there is a specific image that invokes and every reader should be able to safely assume (unless contradicted by textual evidence) that she is a female pony.
And yes, I caught that Pinkie was on the countertop when Twilight arrived. That was part of my original complaint: that specifically supports the interpretation that "you" is imaginary, while the other things I cited support the opposite, so the story feels to me very incoherent.
>>TitaniumDragon
That's brilliant, but I don't think it's right. There are plenty of clues that Anon is human: how she hangs on their shoulders, the fact that they're wearing a shirt (when does a pony wear a shirt, let alone Twilight?), the fact that it mentions Pinkie feeling their skin and hair instead of pelt and mane. I don't think what you're seeing was the intent, neat though it may be.
EDIT: Oops, horizon beat me to it.
That's brilliant, but I don't think it's right. There are plenty of clues that Anon is human: how she hangs on their shoulders, the fact that they're wearing a shirt (when does a pony wear a shirt, let alone Twilight?), the fact that it mentions Pinkie feeling their skin and hair instead of pelt and mane. I don't think what you're seeing was the intent, neat though it may be.
EDIT: Oops, horizon beat me to it.
A rather odd entry. I tend to avoid Anon on general principle and thus have not had much experience with those stories, but I decided to bear it when I saw the continuous stream of spoilered traffic.
For feedback, I agree with the others that this is quite vague, almost to the point of infuriatingly vexing, but holds just enough promise to make me want to comb through it and figure it out... There's an undercurrent of emotion here just begging to be free, but it's so hard to find out exactly what it is... Edit: It's distracting enough that I completely forgot to look for a way that the story ties to the prompt.
I think I'll take a shot at helping the interpretation along. Or else I'll just muck it up even further. Never know until we try!
The first thing I notice is how the moment Twilight comes into the picture there is an immediate change in tense and perspective. The story is no longer 2nd person Anon focus, and we switch from present to past tense. Also notice Pinkie's position before and after the switch. Before the switch, I see no indication that Pinkie ever got off off Anon's shoulders, and after, she is tumbling off a countertop. Both lead me to believe that Anon is imaginary. I would even hazard a guess that Pinkie is narrating the first two thirds of this story and the words we are reading are her internal narrative and she's coming up with a backstory for Anon as she plays along with her fantasy.
Next, I see Twilight directly acknowledges the emptiness of Sugarcube Corner and hopes Pinkey isn't lonely. Immediately after she leaves, the mess is cleaned up. This could all be symbolism for loneliness and how Pinkie deals with it.
But why name Anon? It only occurs once in the entire story, indicating it is significant. Anon is clearly human as pointed out by horizon's analysis of the anatomy referenced throughout the story. No matter which way I approach it, this seems like a very deliberate and potentially calculated decision.
I have two theories that are as strong as a house of cards:
1) Anon is real, but not there. He's somewhere else, being cared for by Twilight Sparkle. He has gravitated toward her due to their similar backgrounds and interests. However, he has not noticed Pinkie Pie's extra attentions and she fantasizes about him a bit. I don't think this is correct since it doesn't match up as well with the idea of loneliness and the disappearing cake batter.
2) Anon is not real, but perhaps the fact that Anon is named such is meant to steer the story towards commentary on Anon stories and the authors that write about Anon. I was going to ramble some about how Pinkie acts around Anon and her attachment to him, but I'm very disappointed with how superfluous that makes Twilight's visit and ignores the fact that the cake is for a non-specific "he."
I'm flummoxed. Maybe the secret is in AJ's hay bales...
Edit: You're not the only one getting ninja'd, Trick.
For feedback, I agree with the others that this is quite vague, almost to the point of infuriatingly vexing, but holds just enough promise to make me want to comb through it and figure it out... There's an undercurrent of emotion here just begging to be free, but it's so hard to find out exactly what it is... Edit: It's distracting enough that I completely forgot to look for a way that the story ties to the prompt.
I think I'll take a shot at helping the interpretation along. Or else I'll just muck it up even further. Never know until we try!
The first thing I notice is how the moment Twilight comes into the picture there is an immediate change in tense and perspective. The story is no longer 2nd person Anon focus, and we switch from present to past tense. Also notice Pinkie's position before and after the switch. Before the switch, I see no indication that Pinkie ever got off off Anon's shoulders, and after, she is tumbling off a countertop. Both lead me to believe that Anon is imaginary. I would even hazard a guess that Pinkie is narrating the first two thirds of this story and the words we are reading are her internal narrative and she's coming up with a backstory for Anon as she plays along with her fantasy.
Next, I see Twilight directly acknowledges the emptiness of Sugarcube Corner and hopes Pinkey isn't lonely. Immediately after she leaves, the mess is cleaned up. This could all be symbolism for loneliness and how Pinkie deals with it.
But why name Anon? It only occurs once in the entire story, indicating it is significant. Anon is clearly human as pointed out by horizon's analysis of the anatomy referenced throughout the story. No matter which way I approach it, this seems like a very deliberate and potentially calculated decision.
I have two theories that are as strong as a house of cards:
1) Anon is real, but not there. He's somewhere else, being cared for by Twilight Sparkle. He has gravitated toward her due to their similar backgrounds and interests. However, he has not noticed Pinkie Pie's extra attentions and she fantasizes about him a bit. I don't think this is correct since it doesn't match up as well with the idea of loneliness and the disappearing cake batter.
2) Anon is not real, but perhaps the fact that Anon is named such is meant to steer the story towards commentary on Anon stories and the authors that write about Anon. I was going to ramble some about how Pinkie acts around Anon and her attachment to him, but I'm very disappointed with how superfluous that makes Twilight's visit and ignores the fact that the cake is for a non-specific "he."
I'm flummoxed. Maybe the secret is in AJ's hay bales...
Edit: You're not the only one getting ninja'd, Trick.
There's something going on here but it's confused. Seems like it's lost in translation, y'know? I can taste a good twist on the tip of my tongue but then it just gets lost and confused.
Unlike the others, I don't actually mind Anon. But the use of Anon is for a very specific audience, that being wish fulfilment. Anon isn't really a character. I mean, he is, but the use of Anon as a name allows readers to put themselves in Anon's shoes very easily. There are themes in here that make sense for an Anon story though, so I don't think Anon's use is out of place here. For example, there's the theme of longing for a special someone that you know doesn't exist. (>tfw she's not real, etc.)
However I can't say the Writeoff community will really appreciate Anon. It's very niche, at best.
Unlike the others, I don't actually mind Anon. But the use of Anon is for a very specific audience, that being wish fulfilment. Anon isn't really a character. I mean, he is, but the use of Anon as a name allows readers to put themselves in Anon's shoes very easily. There are themes in here that make sense for an Anon story though, so I don't think Anon's use is out of place here. For example, there's the theme of longing for a special someone that you know doesn't exist. (>tfw she's not real, etc.)
However I can't say the Writeoff community will really appreciate Anon. It's very niche, at best.
this story probably makes a lot more sense if I reveal that it's inspired by this image edit. the original image is kinda cliche, but I found this edit to be almost profound.
I wrote this in the last 30 minutes before the deadline. rushed job. I had to make quick decisions. most apparent is whether I should say Anon or not mention any name at all. there were pros and cons of each, but in the end I decided - it's already a 2nd person Human in Equestria Shipfic, that's plenty of damnation. one more sin won't drag it down much further. I'd probably reverse that decision now. maybe.
okay, WORD OF GOD TIME, the basic story goes like this. Pinkie wants Twilight, but can't have her. she fantasizes about a human named Anon to replace her, thus his coincidental backstory (there's always a backstory in those stories about how "YOU" are some completely bland nerd with no social life, heh). he disappears when the scene shifts to 3rd person, but paradoxically he seems to have altered the environment anyway. like the subjectiveness of Calvin & Hobbes, I guess.
why can't she have Twilight? at first I was going to write in that she had died.... then decided that was awful. with the prompt, everyone was gonna predict some twist about funerals and death, and misread that Twilight is now a spooky ghost or something. I didn't want that. I came up with a better reason, but it would take way too long to explain Pinkie's perspective and it'd break the flow. so I just left it awfully vague instead and hoped I could imply that longingness.
I wanted it to still come across as charming, but I think all the subtle bits misfired and just caused more confusion and red herrings. the vibe I get is people were more creeped out by the strangeness. Ouch. I feel guilty every time this happens, people have to debate what's even going on in my stories because I lack clarity. I apologize.
I wrote this in the last 30 minutes before the deadline. rushed job. I had to make quick decisions. most apparent is whether I should say Anon or not mention any name at all. there were pros and cons of each, but in the end I decided - it's already a 2nd person Human in Equestria Shipfic, that's plenty of damnation. one more sin won't drag it down much further. I'd probably reverse that decision now. maybe.
okay, WORD OF GOD TIME, the basic story goes like this. Pinkie wants Twilight, but can't have her. she fantasizes about a human named Anon to replace her, thus his coincidental backstory (there's always a backstory in those stories about how "YOU" are some completely bland nerd with no social life, heh). he disappears when the scene shifts to 3rd person, but paradoxically he seems to have altered the environment anyway. like the subjectiveness of Calvin & Hobbes, I guess.
why can't she have Twilight? at first I was going to write in that she had died.... then decided that was awful. with the prompt, everyone was gonna predict some twist about funerals and death, and misread that Twilight is now a spooky ghost or something. I didn't want that. I came up with a better reason, but it would take way too long to explain Pinkie's perspective and it'd break the flow. so I just left it awfully vague instead and hoped I could imply that longingness.
I wanted it to still come across as charming, but I think all the subtle bits misfired and just caused more confusion and red herrings. the vibe I get is people were more creeped out by the strangeness. Ouch. I feel guilty every time this happens, people have to debate what's even going on in my stories because I lack clarity. I apologize.