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Twas Just a Prank
“I demand to see Princess Celestia immediately!” Prince Blueblood stomped his goof, glowering.
Count Bluewisp took a deep breath. “The Princess has requested that I speak on her behalf on matters related to… pray tell, what was it again?”
“This is why simpletons like you should not be serving on my aunt's council.” Blueblood huffed. “To repeat myself, I demand that 50,000 bits be allocated for celebrations on my upcoming birthday.”
He rolled his eyes. “My aunt” Blueblood always touted, as if to remind everyone that he was a prince. In truth, even Celestia had gotten tired of him. “Your request is...”
Blueblood tapped his hoof. “It would be unwise to refuse-”
“Denied!” Bluewisp almost cracked a grin, but he restrained himself.
Blueblood's expression soured into a glare. Here come the threats. “I'll have you removed from this council!”
He simply stared ahead blankly, hoping that he'd just go away. There was nopony more infuriating or mentally trying in all of Canterlot – no, all of Equestria – than Blueblood.
“What, nothing to say? Perhaps I'll pay a visit to your wife while you think of a response.”
Bluewisp snapped, raising his hoof. Before he could process his action, his hoof connected with Blueblood's face.
Silence reigned for several moments, until Blueblood put a hoof up to his face and spit. “I won't just have you removed from this council, I'll have your head removed from it's body!”
He maintained his dour expression. Acting as if nothing happened, he said, “Are there any other matters you would like to bring to this council's attention?”
Blueblood sniffed and greet his teeth. Glaring at him a moment longer, he turned around and pranced away.
Leaning against the chamber door, he took several deep breaths. What did he just do? How was he going to explain this to Celestia? No, he wouldn't have to. Blueblood's threats were always empty.
The sun hit his eyelids, reeling him out of the soft comfort of sleep. Sitting up in bed, he looked around his quarters. Blueblood hadn't killed him yet. He was probably safe.
As soon as he finished dressing in his uniform, a series of knocks sounded from the door. Must be Blueblood coming to kill me. It was an internal joke, but a part of him still feared his potential retribution.
Opening the door, he was met with the guard captain, Highshoes, and a guard flanking him on each side. A scroll unraveled in his magical grasp. “I'm placing you under arrest for...”
Bluewisp's heart skipped a beat.
Highshoes broke out in laughter. “Should've seen the look on your face!”
Bluewisp sighed in relief. “Hilarious like always, Highshoes. What do you need?”
“Never seen ya so spooked. Done that joke a hundred times. Anyways, the Princess has requested your presence in the council chamber.”
The Princess wants to talk to me? Not good.
Bluewisp drummed his hoof nervously on the table. “What did you need, Princess?”
Celestia sat across, sipping her tea. “I'd like a report on the financial matters of the state.”
So far, so good. “There have been no significant changes since we last met. However… Blueblood requested 50,000 bits for his birthday celebrations. I denied him.” He gulped, waiting for Celestia's answer.
She set her tea down. “Of course. We cannot afford to throw away bits for random extravagances even if he is my nephew.”
“Is that all, Princess?”
“Yes. Thank you, my little pony. I must now attend court.” She floated her tea over to a waiting attendant, and left the council chamber.
The attendant handed him his tea. Tea always calmed his nerves. He took a sip, a bitter taste hitting his tongue. The second sip granted him no pardon from it. Bleh. Wait – doesn't cyanide taste like almonds? He spit the tea out and jumped up, breathing heavily. Moments passed, and he was still alive. False alarm.
Blueblood's threats had him too worried. Now he was just being paranoid. He left the table and opened the council door. Outside stood Blueblood and Highshoes, surrounded by a group of guards. Another prank, probably.
Blueblood turned towards him and jeered, “Look who it is!” Bluewisp resolved to ignore him, walking past.
“Bluewisp!” Highshoes called, “You're under arrest by orders of Prince Blueblood!”
“Yeah, good one, guys.” He continued to walk down the hall.
“Well? Are you just gonna let him walk away?” Blueblood shouted.
Highshoes shrugged. “I guess no one really takes you seriously, mate.”
Count Bluewisp took a deep breath. “The Princess has requested that I speak on her behalf on matters related to… pray tell, what was it again?”
“This is why simpletons like you should not be serving on my aunt's council.” Blueblood huffed. “To repeat myself, I demand that 50,000 bits be allocated for celebrations on my upcoming birthday.”
He rolled his eyes. “My aunt” Blueblood always touted, as if to remind everyone that he was a prince. In truth, even Celestia had gotten tired of him. “Your request is...”
Blueblood tapped his hoof. “It would be unwise to refuse-”
“Denied!” Bluewisp almost cracked a grin, but he restrained himself.
Blueblood's expression soured into a glare. Here come the threats. “I'll have you removed from this council!”
He simply stared ahead blankly, hoping that he'd just go away. There was nopony more infuriating or mentally trying in all of Canterlot – no, all of Equestria – than Blueblood.
“What, nothing to say? Perhaps I'll pay a visit to your wife while you think of a response.”
Bluewisp snapped, raising his hoof. Before he could process his action, his hoof connected with Blueblood's face.
Silence reigned for several moments, until Blueblood put a hoof up to his face and spit. “I won't just have you removed from this council, I'll have your head removed from it's body!”
He maintained his dour expression. Acting as if nothing happened, he said, “Are there any other matters you would like to bring to this council's attention?”
Blueblood sniffed and greet his teeth. Glaring at him a moment longer, he turned around and pranced away.
Leaning against the chamber door, he took several deep breaths. What did he just do? How was he going to explain this to Celestia? No, he wouldn't have to. Blueblood's threats were always empty.
The sun hit his eyelids, reeling him out of the soft comfort of sleep. Sitting up in bed, he looked around his quarters. Blueblood hadn't killed him yet. He was probably safe.
As soon as he finished dressing in his uniform, a series of knocks sounded from the door. Must be Blueblood coming to kill me. It was an internal joke, but a part of him still feared his potential retribution.
Opening the door, he was met with the guard captain, Highshoes, and a guard flanking him on each side. A scroll unraveled in his magical grasp. “I'm placing you under arrest for...”
Bluewisp's heart skipped a beat.
Highshoes broke out in laughter. “Should've seen the look on your face!”
Bluewisp sighed in relief. “Hilarious like always, Highshoes. What do you need?”
“Never seen ya so spooked. Done that joke a hundred times. Anyways, the Princess has requested your presence in the council chamber.”
The Princess wants to talk to me? Not good.
Bluewisp drummed his hoof nervously on the table. “What did you need, Princess?”
Celestia sat across, sipping her tea. “I'd like a report on the financial matters of the state.”
So far, so good. “There have been no significant changes since we last met. However… Blueblood requested 50,000 bits for his birthday celebrations. I denied him.” He gulped, waiting for Celestia's answer.
She set her tea down. “Of course. We cannot afford to throw away bits for random extravagances even if he is my nephew.”
“Is that all, Princess?”
“Yes. Thank you, my little pony. I must now attend court.” She floated her tea over to a waiting attendant, and left the council chamber.
The attendant handed him his tea. Tea always calmed his nerves. He took a sip, a bitter taste hitting his tongue. The second sip granted him no pardon from it. Bleh. Wait – doesn't cyanide taste like almonds? He spit the tea out and jumped up, breathing heavily. Moments passed, and he was still alive. False alarm.
Blueblood's threats had him too worried. Now he was just being paranoid. He left the table and opened the council door. Outside stood Blueblood and Highshoes, surrounded by a group of guards. Another prank, probably.
Blueblood turned towards him and jeered, “Look who it is!” Bluewisp resolved to ignore him, walking past.
“Bluewisp!” Highshoes called, “You're under arrest by orders of Prince Blueblood!”
“Yeah, good one, guys.” He continued to walk down the hall.
“Well? Are you just gonna let him walk away?” Blueblood shouted.
Highshoes shrugged. “I guess no one really takes you seriously, mate.”
For me, this one kept getting close to being humorous, but in the end I wouldn't really be sure if that was its intent if the last line didn't drive that home.
Maybe the main thing is that Blueblood doesn't quite come across as sufficiently over-the-top ridiculous to fit the rest of the setup.
I wish I could be more helpful about why this didn't work for me.
Maybe the main thing is that Blueblood doesn't quite come across as sufficiently over-the-top ridiculous to fit the rest of the setup.
I wish I could be more helpful about why this didn't work for me.
Vague pronoun references are a major issue here. When two people of the same gender interact, “he” and “she” aren’t enough to distinguish them, nor are line breaks. A character can take action over multiple paragraphs.
False arrests are a routine prank from the captain of the guard? That’s not funny, that’s a horrific lapse in professionalism. I’m amazed Ms. Harshwhinny didn’t descend from the heavens to deck that jerk.
Those issues aside, this does do a good job of building up tension. A shame it wastes it at the end. You can’t have a character dread something for the whole story only to brush it off at the end as though it didn’t matter. Yes, the consequences can be far less horrible than the character expected, but their expectations shouldn’t suddenly shift. Especially not when the actual force of the law is against him.
There is potential here, but it needs a lot of work. Also, the “Twas” in the title had me expecting Luna. Now I’m just wondering why it was there.
False arrests are a routine prank from the captain of the guard? That’s not funny, that’s a horrific lapse in professionalism. I’m amazed Ms. Harshwhinny didn’t descend from the heavens to deck that jerk.
Those issues aside, this does do a good job of building up tension. A shame it wastes it at the end. You can’t have a character dread something for the whole story only to brush it off at the end as though it didn’t matter. Yes, the consequences can be far less horrible than the character expected, but their expectations shouldn’t suddenly shift. Especially not when the actual force of the law is against him.
There is potential here, but it needs a lot of work. Also, the “Twas” in the title had me expecting Luna. Now I’m just wondering why it was there.
I was expecting the shoe to drop and it never did. I think that did detract from the ending, because if you're going for a non-ending to that bit, it needs to be punchier.
I'd also suggest renaming Bluewisp - it's a tiny bit confusing. Not a huge bit, but certainly it doesn't benefit the piece, either, to have them have such similar names.
I'd also suggest renaming Bluewisp - it's a tiny bit confusing. Not a huge bit, but certainly it doesn't benefit the piece, either, to have them have such similar names.
I'm confused by the ending. Were they really trying to arrest him and just gave up super easy? That doesn't make any sense. Either Blueblood has authority or he doesn't. And if so, where is the prank in the story? If not, why Blueblood's reaction—is the prank that the captain pretended he would arrest the guy when Blueblood asked him to, but had no intention of following through? I get the idea, but there's just a tiny bit of uncertainty that tarnishes the ending.
Separately: he stomped his goof and greeted his teeth? :trollestia:
("Gritted" is the past tense of "grit", while "greet" means to welcome or say hello.)
Separately: he stomped his goof and greeted his teeth? :trollestia:
("Gritted" is the past tense of "grit", while "greet" means to welcome or say hello.)
Yeah, the ‘goof’ at the very beginning set the tone for the rest of the piece :P What Trick said, also an “it’s” instead of “its” and that fragment “Before he could process his action,…” sounds very awkward.
It’s a mildly amusing story, but, prank apart, I think it adequately captures what you can feel when you face one of those bullies like Blueblood. I had the same experience with a landlord who threatened to sue me because there were patches of humidity on the walls when I left my former flat. He was blustering, of course, but it still managed to unsettle me a little for a day of two.
Otherwise, I agree with >>Trick_Question and the others here, in that I don’t see where the prank is. Which one is trying to put the other on? Except for the guard, I don’t get it. And I don’t expect Blueblood to have authorities on the guards to decide whom they shall arrest, anyway.
It’s a mildly amusing story, but, prank apart, I think it adequately captures what you can feel when you face one of those bullies like Blueblood. I had the same experience with a landlord who threatened to sue me because there were patches of humidity on the walls when I left my former flat. He was blustering, of course, but it still managed to unsettle me a little for a day of two.
Otherwise, I agree with >>Trick_Question and the others here, in that I don’t see where the prank is. Which one is trying to put the other on? Except for the guard, I don’t get it. And I don’t expect Blueblood to have authorities on the guards to decide whom they shall arrest, anyway.
I think this was supposed to be funny, but it just didn't work for me. All I got was a lot of tension and paranoia building up and then not leading anywhere.
Twas Just a Prank - B - Really, a typo in the first line? Not a bad concept, but not well carried out. It could be expanded, but it would need to be cleaned up and organised to be more clear or it will just be long and complex rather than short and complex. Clarifying the characters and defining the conflict better would help.
It's never really explained why Bluewisp decided to punch Blueblood in the face for his comment. I mean, it can be implied, but it seems a bit radical when he was tolerating him just fine seconds before.
Like the others say, it's trying to be a comedy but isn't nearly goofy/extreme enough. Therefore the ending, with the guards not listening to Blueblood, comes off as weird because the world seems fairly normal.
Like the others say, it's trying to be a comedy but isn't nearly goofy/extreme enough. Therefore the ending, with the guards not listening to Blueblood, comes off as weird because the world seems fairly normal.