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The Once and Future Princess of Equestria
Celestia beamed as the sunlight streamed in through the window. “Is that good, daddy?”
Celestia’s father smiled down at the filly. “That was very good.” He leaned forward to pat her on the head. “You did great.”
“You told me they didn’t believe I could do it,” Celestia said, glancing at her father’s friends.
“Heh, yeah. But now there’s no doubting you can raise the Sun.” Her father winked. “Why don’t you go play with your sister? I bet she’s awake now.”
“Pfft. Like she went to sleep last night.” Celestia grinned anyway. “You going to talk about adult things?”
“We’re going to talk about adult things,” her father confirmed, nodding his head.
“Okay!” Celestia trotted back out of the room, her horn glowing as she closed the door behind her.
“So,” Celestia’s father said as he returned to his seat on the sofa. “What’d you think?”
“I think you just doomed us all.”
“Oh come on, don’t be like that. We don’t know if—”
“Don’t be cute with me, Tom!” Phillip said, waving his finger at Celestia’s father. “We’ve all seen the show. There aren’t any human. It was really cute when you made her and Luna, but the buried tire theory is looking way too plausible right now.”
“Buried tire?” Oz asked, leaning forward. “Sorry, I’m not up with the lingo of you old folks.”
“It’s the name of a theory from the show,” Ellie said as she reached down to take another sip from her coffee mug.
“The show being that pony thing that you named them after, right?”
“My Little Pony, yes,” Tom said, nodding his head.
“Ah, that’s better.” Ellie set down her mug on the coffee table. “The animators put an old car tire buried in the dirt in one of the episodes as a joke. Some of the fans took it as a sign that it was canon that Equestria was really a post-apocalyptic Earth.”
Tom smiled. “Well, the names of the cities were all puns based on real-world names. And you know how much Celestia and Luna like puns.” He sighed. “I can’t believe it took until season six for them to make a Celestia episode.”
“Look, that’s beside the point.” Phillip waved his hand towards the window. “You created Luna and Celestia. She actually got her cutie mark from raising the Sun. Luna will probably get hers for raising the Moon.”
“Well, it might be from dreamwalking,” Tom said mildly.
“It doesn’t matter!” Phillip smacked his fist into the leather arm of the sofa. “What’s next, making Discord?”
Tom looked away.
“Really?” Ellie asked, staring.
“Well, I haven’t finished him yet…”
“Don’t.” Phillip shook his head. “Really, what I should do is go in there with a gun and—
“You can’t!” Ellie said, standing up. “She didn’t do anything wrong!”
Oz stood up as well, standing behind Phillip. “Come on, man. What the hell are you thinking? You’re freaking out over—”
Phillip whirled around and pointed towards the door Celestia had vanished through. “They’re going to kill everyone! Or something is.”
“You don’t know that. He just made them after some characters on a TV show. Doesn’t mean they’re going to end the world.”
“We shouldn’t take that chance,” Phillip said, grinding his teeth.
Tom shook his head from his seat on the couch. “What if going after them is what dooms us all? You can’t do anything. Think about it.”
“I am thinking about it!” Phillip shouted.
“They’ll hear you,” Ellie said, her voice only slightly lower than Phillip’s.
Tom finally rose and put his hand on Phillip’s shoulder. “You aren’t going to hurt them, and you know it. Think about it. You don’t know anything, and even if you did, you wouldn’t know if it was just making things worse.”
Phillip’s shoulders slumped.
“See? Let’s just sit down and—”
“I’m going home. Going to call… going to call someone.”
“And tell them what?”
“That I love them,” Phillip said as he strode towards the front door.
Tom shook his head. “You don’t have to go. You don’t know that—”
“I do know.” Phillip pulled his sweatshirt off the coat rack.
“Just let him go,” Oz said, shaking his head. “It’s his funeral.”
“No,” Phillip said as he pulled open the front door, “It’s everyone’s.”
Celestia’s father smiled down at the filly. “That was very good.” He leaned forward to pat her on the head. “You did great.”
“You told me they didn’t believe I could do it,” Celestia said, glancing at her father’s friends.
“Heh, yeah. But now there’s no doubting you can raise the Sun.” Her father winked. “Why don’t you go play with your sister? I bet she’s awake now.”
“Pfft. Like she went to sleep last night.” Celestia grinned anyway. “You going to talk about adult things?”
“We’re going to talk about adult things,” her father confirmed, nodding his head.
“Okay!” Celestia trotted back out of the room, her horn glowing as she closed the door behind her.
“So,” Celestia’s father said as he returned to his seat on the sofa. “What’d you think?”
“I think you just doomed us all.”
“Oh come on, don’t be like that. We don’t know if—”
“Don’t be cute with me, Tom!” Phillip said, waving his finger at Celestia’s father. “We’ve all seen the show. There aren’t any human. It was really cute when you made her and Luna, but the buried tire theory is looking way too plausible right now.”
“Buried tire?” Oz asked, leaning forward. “Sorry, I’m not up with the lingo of you old folks.”
“It’s the name of a theory from the show,” Ellie said as she reached down to take another sip from her coffee mug.
“The show being that pony thing that you named them after, right?”
“My Little Pony, yes,” Tom said, nodding his head.
“Ah, that’s better.” Ellie set down her mug on the coffee table. “The animators put an old car tire buried in the dirt in one of the episodes as a joke. Some of the fans took it as a sign that it was canon that Equestria was really a post-apocalyptic Earth.”
Tom smiled. “Well, the names of the cities were all puns based on real-world names. And you know how much Celestia and Luna like puns.” He sighed. “I can’t believe it took until season six for them to make a Celestia episode.”
“Look, that’s beside the point.” Phillip waved his hand towards the window. “You created Luna and Celestia. She actually got her cutie mark from raising the Sun. Luna will probably get hers for raising the Moon.”
“Well, it might be from dreamwalking,” Tom said mildly.
“It doesn’t matter!” Phillip smacked his fist into the leather arm of the sofa. “What’s next, making Discord?”
Tom looked away.
“Really?” Ellie asked, staring.
“Well, I haven’t finished him yet…”
“Don’t.” Phillip shook his head. “Really, what I should do is go in there with a gun and—
“You can’t!” Ellie said, standing up. “She didn’t do anything wrong!”
Oz stood up as well, standing behind Phillip. “Come on, man. What the hell are you thinking? You’re freaking out over—”
Phillip whirled around and pointed towards the door Celestia had vanished through. “They’re going to kill everyone! Or something is.”
“You don’t know that. He just made them after some characters on a TV show. Doesn’t mean they’re going to end the world.”
“We shouldn’t take that chance,” Phillip said, grinding his teeth.
Tom shook his head from his seat on the couch. “What if going after them is what dooms us all? You can’t do anything. Think about it.”
“I am thinking about it!” Phillip shouted.
“They’ll hear you,” Ellie said, her voice only slightly lower than Phillip’s.
Tom finally rose and put his hand on Phillip’s shoulder. “You aren’t going to hurt them, and you know it. Think about it. You don’t know anything, and even if you did, you wouldn’t know if it was just making things worse.”
Phillip’s shoulders slumped.
“See? Let’s just sit down and—”
“I’m going home. Going to call… going to call someone.”
“And tell them what?”
“That I love them,” Phillip said as he strode towards the front door.
Tom shook his head. “You don’t have to go. You don’t know that—”
“I do know.” Phillip pulled his sweatshirt off the coat rack.
“Just let him go,” Oz said, shaking his head. “It’s his funeral.”
“No,” Phillip said as he pulled open the front door, “It’s everyone’s.”
Daaang.
I liked this one. :)
I'm not sure how far in the future this is that they're able to genetically engineer ponies. And actually being able toraise the sun move the earth seems a bit of a stretch technologically. But I'm willing to suspend disbelief for a fun little exploration of possible accidental apocalypses.
I liked this one. :)
I'm not sure how far in the future this is that they're able to genetically engineer ponies. And actually being able to
I’m sorry, but I just can not get over the whole “raising the sun in the real world” thing. I know the physics too well. Heck, the lightspeed delay alone should’ve kept them from seeing it move in real time!
This is an interesting premise, but it’s just too implausible for me to accept, both the magic from science and that any one would be stupid enough to intentionally create Discord. The conundrum is well presented, but the circumstances are too much for my suspension of disbelief.
This is an interesting premise, but it’s just too implausible for me to accept, both the magic from science and that any one would be stupid enough to intentionally create Discord. The conundrum is well presented, but the circumstances are too much for my suspension of disbelief.
It's almost too much to give Tom godlike powers without offering any details at all about them. (What would a partially-completed Discord look like, anyway?) I think you need to give the audience a touch more about why he can do these things, since he seems human like the rest, but they don't have the abilities he does.
It's confusing that Phillip would be a fan of the show, yet at the same time ponder murdering filly Celestia, no matter how worried he may be. I don't quite buy it.
I'm left wondering if the names you chose were some sort of clue I missed. Oz is a strange name given that the others are highly American.
Let the reader in on enough of the details that they can appreciate the conflict and find it believable.
On the other hoof, I think you could have avoided the vulgar drop of "My Little Pony" in the middle, because there are more than enough clues about what they're discussing (even if I didn't know this was pony fanfiction, which in a pony fanfiction contest, I do).
Hooves crossed for Season 6!
It's confusing that Phillip would be a fan of the show, yet at the same time ponder murdering filly Celestia, no matter how worried he may be. I don't quite buy it.
I'm left wondering if the names you chose were some sort of clue I missed. Oz is a strange name given that the others are highly American.
Let the reader in on enough of the details that they can appreciate the conflict and find it believable.
On the other hoof, I think you could have avoided the vulgar drop of "My Little Pony" in the middle, because there are more than enough clues about what they're discussing (even if I didn't know this was pony fanfiction, which in a pony fanfiction contest, I do).
Hooves crossed for Season 6!
You may want some stronger signaling of the human element in the beginning here — I was disoriented for a while going in (especially given that "Tom" is a canon Equestrian name). But I quite appreciated the story overall.
The big factor here is that it's certainly an intriguing question you're getting at. It's possible you're lacking exposition of why exactly the humans are taking seriously the idea that MLP might have been literally real — there's a subtext that "Celestia being able to move the sun and moon is completely improbable unless you take the show as true", but that's a fruitful topic for explicit discussion, especially if you're looking to expand this for FIMFic publication. The discussion of the show didn't bug me; it certainly limits this to being MLP-specific fanfic rather than being able to file off the serial numbers for original fiction publication, but then, that's probably not your intention anyway. The core conflict, over the uncertainty of how to fight fate when the ending seems to already be written, is a strong one. The explicit prompt drop was an irritation, but I think you justified it with the closing line. Overall a favorite in my scattershot reading so far.
Tier: Solid
The big factor here is that it's certainly an intriguing question you're getting at. It's possible you're lacking exposition of why exactly the humans are taking seriously the idea that MLP might have been literally real — there's a subtext that "Celestia being able to move the sun and moon is completely improbable unless you take the show as true", but that's a fruitful topic for explicit discussion, especially if you're looking to expand this for FIMFic publication. The discussion of the show didn't bug me; it certainly limits this to being MLP-specific fanfic rather than being able to file off the serial numbers for original fiction publication, but then, that's probably not your intention anyway. The core conflict, over the uncertainty of how to fight fate when the ending seems to already be written, is a strong one. The explicit prompt drop was an irritation, but I think you justified it with the closing line. Overall a favorite in my scattershot reading so far.
Tier: Solid
This just hits all of the wrong buttons for me. The phrase "post-apocalyptic" alone is enough for me to knock this down several slots on my ballot. And then you throw in implications of some sort of human vs pony war, humans stupidly insisting that reality must match the show, a lazy attempt to combine science with magic...
Yeah, this story was never going to work for me.
Yeah, this story was never going to work for me.
There are some strong exchanges between the characters. The bit with filly Celestia is cute, as it should be. The command of language, grammar, etc seems good.
However, I'm befuddled by the plot as a whole. I need more context around who these people are and why they're so worried. Presumably they would have sufficient technology to deal with the equines that their other technology was able to produce? Or just make a mecha-Godzilla Tirek to keep the others in line and be done with it? I dunno.
However, I'm befuddled by the plot as a whole. I need more context around who these people are and why they're so worried. Presumably they would have sufficient technology to deal with the equines that their other technology was able to produce? Or just make a mecha-
The Once and Future Princess of Equestria
A fan of the show creates Luna and Celestia. His friends find this cute and all, until one morning, Celestia raises the Sun.
It doesn't seem so cute anymore after that.
The core of this story was what >>horizon was getting at - the people were freaking out because what Celestia did was supposed to be impossible, and yet she'd done it. The idea (which I guess didn't come through strongly enough for some people) was that the humans didn't have magic, and so when Tom created them, and Celestia ended up with magic, it was pretty out of the blue. Their silence at the start was meant to be stunned silence (as well as them trying not to freak out in front of a little kid). It probably could have been done better, and probably needed more at the beginning to properly communicate what was going on.
It is, of course, physically implausible, as >>FanOfMostEverything points out, though I'll note that if they were simply moving the Earth instead of the Sun, then there wouldn't be any light-speed delay - you'd see the Sun moving in real time. But the story is supposed to be mixing fantasy and reality, and the fact that it is impossible is kind of the point - Celestia's abilities are not supposed to be plausible.
>>CoffeeMinion , the reason Philip was freaking out was because Celestia was falling into line with the character from the show, and there aren't any humans on the show. What Tom was pointing out here:
Tom shook his head from his seat on the couch. “What if going after them is what dooms us all? You can’t do anything. Think about it.”
Was that Philip had no choices here. If things really are going to set up the show, then going after them with a gun wouldn't work - they would survive, and indeed, trying to kill them might be what sets them against humanity in the first place. And of course, if they aren't in line with the show, there's no point in doing it in the first place. Either fate exists, and they're helpless, or it doesn't, and they shouldn't go after them because they did nothing wrong.
The central conflict here was Philip trying to figure out how to fight fate, and his recognition that things might already be out of his grasp. He needed more focus, I think, and more of an explanation of his thought process - the reason he was contemplating something so evil was because he was trying to think about the big picture, even though he was only thinking about it in his upset state.
Anyway, I don't write many human fics, and I'm glad at least some of you found this one interesting. I don't know if I'm going to expand it for FIMFiction or not, but the fact that some folks found it interesting (plus the fact that it would let me use the elusive Human tag) makes me want to.