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Pie to Pie
The day dawned through every shade of topaz--red to yellow to pale, watery blue overhead. Igneous Rock Pie's eyes roved across the horizon, comparing the official weather schedule against his own reckoning, and his chin dipped microscopically in grim satisfaction. 'Twould surely be a fine day for it, if it had to be any day at all.
The sun was at its zenith, and the family was gathered where the south and west fields met, behind the house. In a small, fenced off plot, simple stone markers were neatly planted in tidy, tight rows, each ones bearing a name and a pair of dates. Igneous' family had always used this spot, for as long as there had been a Pie Rock Farm. High noon was also traditional, but dawn and dusk happened sometimes, too, for the right ponies.
Igneous sat himself behind the newest marker, face carefully blank, and the rest of his family sat facing him, two by two with an aisle between them. His wife, Cloudy Quartz, sat in front on his right, with Limestone beside her, Maud behind her, and their youngest, yet un-marked daughter, Maurina Alice, filling out the square.
He thought it best not to keep anypony waiting, and cleared his throat.
“In the midst of life, we are stopped in passing. Of whom may we ask for surety as one among us passes from one life into the next, but of the bones of the earth which embrace us all?” Igneous paused to place one hoof on the marker in front of him before continuing, “And though--” after a moment’s hesitation, he cleared his throat again, swallowed thickly, and continued, “And though I may today lose a daughter, my heart is glad, and my spirit rejoiceth for her.”
He took a deep breath of the silence of the farm before finishing, “In sure and certain hope of a long life well lived, we commend to the earth the name Pinkamina Diane Pie; rock to rock,”--his hoof tapped heavily on the marker--”gravel to gravel,” Igneous paused, and Cloudy leaned forward, spreading a small mound of aggregate from the west quarry in a line below the marker, left to right, “dust to dust.”
Limestone did the same as her mother with a lump of dirt from the floor of the silo, right to left, and then everypony turned to face the back door of the house. It banged open abruptly to reveal a grinning, pink filly with a wild poof of curls instead of a mane. Igneous fancied he could see her vibrating in place.
Igneous watched her new cutie mark as she marched across the yard to join the rest of her family. It shone brilliantly in the noon-day sun, even though it had to compete with the searing pink of her coat, and he wondered how often he would see it after today.
She brought herself to a stop between her mother and her older sister, looking up to meet Igneous’ eyes. He found that it had been no fancy--she was vibrating in place, and her grin was wider than any Igneous had ever seen. He took a deep breath, steeled himself, and leaned down to her level.
“Now and henceforth… who art thou?”
She took a deep breath, ballooning her tiny chest before announcing, “My name is Pinkie. Pinkie Pie!”
Igneous’ let out his breath and his flat mouth broke into a smile. He felt the tension flow from his shoulders for the first time since Pinka--Pinkie’s first party. “Then the earth bless thee, Pinkie Pie, and keep thee in peace.”
The sun was at its zenith, and the family was gathered where the south and west fields met, behind the house. In a small, fenced off plot, simple stone markers were neatly planted in tidy, tight rows, each ones bearing a name and a pair of dates. Igneous' family had always used this spot, for as long as there had been a Pie Rock Farm. High noon was also traditional, but dawn and dusk happened sometimes, too, for the right ponies.
Igneous sat himself behind the newest marker, face carefully blank, and the rest of his family sat facing him, two by two with an aisle between them. His wife, Cloudy Quartz, sat in front on his right, with Limestone beside her, Maud behind her, and their youngest, yet un-marked daughter, Maurina Alice, filling out the square.
He thought it best not to keep anypony waiting, and cleared his throat.
“In the midst of life, we are stopped in passing. Of whom may we ask for surety as one among us passes from one life into the next, but of the bones of the earth which embrace us all?” Igneous paused to place one hoof on the marker in front of him before continuing, “And though--” after a moment’s hesitation, he cleared his throat again, swallowed thickly, and continued, “And though I may today lose a daughter, my heart is glad, and my spirit rejoiceth for her.”
He took a deep breath of the silence of the farm before finishing, “In sure and certain hope of a long life well lived, we commend to the earth the name Pinkamina Diane Pie; rock to rock,”--his hoof tapped heavily on the marker--”gravel to gravel,” Igneous paused, and Cloudy leaned forward, spreading a small mound of aggregate from the west quarry in a line below the marker, left to right, “dust to dust.”
Limestone did the same as her mother with a lump of dirt from the floor of the silo, right to left, and then everypony turned to face the back door of the house. It banged open abruptly to reveal a grinning, pink filly with a wild poof of curls instead of a mane. Igneous fancied he could see her vibrating in place.
Igneous watched her new cutie mark as she marched across the yard to join the rest of her family. It shone brilliantly in the noon-day sun, even though it had to compete with the searing pink of her coat, and he wondered how often he would see it after today.
She brought herself to a stop between her mother and her older sister, looking up to meet Igneous’ eyes. He found that it had been no fancy--she was vibrating in place, and her grin was wider than any Igneous had ever seen. He took a deep breath, steeled himself, and leaned down to her level.
“Now and henceforth… who art thou?”
She took a deep breath, ballooning her tiny chest before announcing, “My name is Pinkie. Pinkie Pie!”
Igneous’ let out his breath and his flat mouth broke into a smile. He felt the tension flow from his shoulders for the first time since Pinka--Pinkie’s first party. “Then the earth bless thee, Pinkie Pie, and keep thee in peace.”
I like this. I like this a lot. You perfectly captured the solemn nature of the event and the weight of each action. Despite its natural slowness, I never found myself bored. I think the traditions that you put forth here would live extremely well in canon, were we to ever see such an event. I think the emotional pacing of this piece is where it really shines.
Non-spoilery conclusion: Top Contender
Wonderful implementation of the bait and switch. I'm quite accustomed to the switch being incredibly abrupt, instantaneously changing the entire meaning of the feel of the story. Here, I was treated to a quiet somberness that tempered the switch such that I only felt mild confusion as to whose funeral we truly were attending. It slowly became a rise of something akin to what Pinkie must have been feeling before reaching a triumphant plateau of realization that this is a story about how the Pies celebrate a coming of age.
The idea that they would have a funeral for their given name and choose a name for themselves is wonderful in my opinion. It also adds to the idea of Pinkie being the odd one for not following the rest of the family's naming convention of picking rock related names (though there might be a bit of a hole with Maud's name unless I'm missing a pun). The addition of Maurina Alice as Marble Pie helps serve as a hint to what's going on and adds an additional layer of consistency to the premise.
A job well done in my opinion!
Non-spoilery conclusion: Top Contender
Wonderful implementation of the bait and switch. I'm quite accustomed to the switch being incredibly abrupt, instantaneously changing the entire meaning of the feel of the story. Here, I was treated to a quiet somberness that tempered the switch such that I only felt mild confusion as to whose funeral we truly were attending. It slowly became a rise of something akin to what Pinkie must have been feeling before reaching a triumphant plateau of realization that this is a story about how the Pies celebrate a coming of age.
The idea that they would have a funeral for their given name and choose a name for themselves is wonderful in my opinion. It also adds to the idea of Pinkie being the odd one for not following the rest of the family's naming convention of picking rock related names (though there might be a bit of a hole with Maud's name unless I'm missing a pun). The addition of Maurina Alice as Marble Pie helps serve as a hint to what's going on and adds an additional layer of consistency to the premise.
A job well done in my opinion!
I see. A lovely tradition well presented. Plenty of hints, too, from Marble’s name to passing from one life to another. Thank you for this.
Canonically, Pinkie got her cutie mark before Marble or Limestone. You should have indicated that Limestone didn't have her mark yet.
Also, the Pie family still calls her Pinkamena rather than Pinkie (whereas Marble Pie is still Marble Pie). So, Pinkie isn't actually her name, it's a nickname.
The latter of the two problems can be ignored because you need to do so to tell the story. The former issue stands out more to me.
Also, the Pie family still calls her Pinkamena rather than Pinkie (whereas Marble Pie is still Marble Pie). So, Pinkie isn't actually her name, it's a nickname.
The latter of the two problems can be ignored because you need to do so to tell the story. The former issue stands out more to me.
This is well-written but IMO borders on making it excessively difficult to ascertain what's going on. I had to give up and read the spoilered comments to get a handle on it. Maybe that's more my shortcoming than yours, author; but I think the issues >>Trick_Question mentions serve as an impediment.
Quite interesting worldbuilding here, I love it when the "lesser" details of a culture are explored, and you have done a nice job in that regard here.
While there are some conflicts with canon, as explained by >>Trick_Question , those are, in my opinion, lesser issues that don't detract much from the overall quality of this story.
While there are some conflicts with canon, as explained by >>Trick_Question , those are, in my opinion, lesser issues that don't detract much from the overall quality of this story.
There are plenty of nitpicks I could make here -- e.g. given the actual situation, if this is a ceremony that all of them go through, he's not losing a daughter in any meaningful way -- but this seems to me to work despite them. I found my eyes glazing over a bit during some of the liturgy, but I like the general sound/feel of it. (Nice touch with the Anglican Book Of Prayer takeoff -- was the rest similarly pulled from Earth traditions?)
I half-agree with >>Trick_Question: the fact of canon is still an impediment here, but for me, it was the biggest problem. It could definitely use some lampshading of the Pinkamena thing.
Tier: Solid
I half-agree with >>Trick_Question: the fact of canon is still an impediment here, but for me, it was the biggest problem. It could definitely use some lampshading of the Pinkamena thing.
Tier: Solid
Lots of nitpicks, and I'm afraid I'm just repeating previous commenters with them, but I'll do it anyway: this has some canonical timeline issues in the obtainment of cutie marks and in the fact that there seems to be no real indicator that Pinkie Pie ever changed names in the eyes of her family.
Moving on from those, I find it hard to buy that the acquisition of a cutie mark would be cause for a solemn and funerary type of ceremony when it's clearly considered an ubiquitously joyous occasion among ponies.
Finally, I did find it hard to figure out exactly what was going on, and it seemed intentional. It wasn't a terrible execution, or so wholly undecipherable that I was completely lost, but I was left with a sense of deliberated effort toward withholding information to attempt a twist that may have been a little artificial and out of place.
The objective quality of the writing was fine, other than the use of two hyphens where an en or em dash would have been called for instead, which is a stylistic element that many authors tend to execute incorrectly. There's no convention for how to handle dashes in the writeoff style guide, but I'm actually borderline thinking that there should be, since it's a difference that could, under some circumstances, possibly tip off author identities (or at least eliminate certain authors as candidates to have written certain pieces of work). I don't know, it probably doesn't matter. Maybe I just take forensics and analysis too seriously or something.
Moving on from those, I find it hard to buy that the acquisition of a cutie mark would be cause for a solemn and funerary type of ceremony when it's clearly considered an ubiquitously joyous occasion among ponies.
Finally, I did find it hard to figure out exactly what was going on, and it seemed intentional. It wasn't a terrible execution, or so wholly undecipherable that I was completely lost, but I was left with a sense of deliberated effort toward withholding information to attempt a twist that may have been a little artificial and out of place.
The objective quality of the writing was fine, other than the use of two hyphens where an en or em dash would have been called for instead, which is a stylistic element that many authors tend to execute incorrectly. There's no convention for how to handle dashes in the writeoff style guide, but I'm actually borderline thinking that there should be, since it's a difference that could, under some circumstances, possibly tip off author identities (or at least eliminate certain authors as candidates to have written certain pieces of work). I don't know, it probably doesn't matter. Maybe I just take forensics and analysis too seriously or something.
Georg's First Round Micro Reviews for It’s Your Funeral: Scores are letter grades for Plot, Technical Work, and Characterization, with an E for stories I find particularly Enjoyable. I have them ranked by how I like them, not necessarily how perfect they are on the score. (and posted all at once, from top to bottom so they line up on the chat.
Pie to Pie - A quality all the way here. A nice peek into the Pie family and their traditions. I can see them doing this for every member of the family who gets their cutie mark, but for Pinkie it is particularly appropriate. In a way, gaining a cutie mark is the death of the old markless pony and the birth of a new pony with a destiny.
Pie to Pie - A quality all the way here. A nice peek into the Pie family and their traditions. I can see them doing this for every member of the family who gets their cutie mark, but for Pinkie it is particularly appropriate. In a way, gaining a cutie mark is the death of the old markless pony and the birth of a new pony with a destiny.
This was a bit of a troll, but I liked it, and I liked the idea of it. Seems like something the overly-serious and pious Pie Family might do, plus I’ve always liked idea that ponies have children’s names, and then choose new names which suit them when they get older. Some of the younger names (Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Pipsqueak) feel generic enough that this is even plausible.
A lot of this story’s power comes from the subversion of events, but I thought that worked well, including the mention of Maurina Alice giving us a subtle hint which the audience is unlikely to catch onto.
That said, it is pretty clear in the show that her name is actually Pinkamena Diane Pie and Pinkie Pie is her nickname. Still, that's more of a minor quibble than anything meaningful or something which needs to be fixed.
A lot of this story’s power comes from the subversion of events, but I thought that worked well, including the mention of Maurina Alice giving us a subtle hint which the audience is unlikely to catch onto.
That said, it is pretty clear in the show that her name is actually Pinkamena Diane Pie and Pinkie Pie is her nickname. Still, that's more of a minor quibble than anything meaningful or something which needs to be fixed.
Like others, not sure if I'm convinced of the headcanon going on here either, but I do like the idea of trying to explain how pony names seem to match up with their entire personalities. I'm reminded of the archaic Chinese tradition of courtesy names. that does seem more likely than every parent in Equestria having prescience of their children's future development.
So this is the Pie Family Cutesinera celebration! Held in exactly the somber and gloomy (and possibly morbid) way that you might expect of the Pie family - or at least that you wouldn't be too surprised at. For Pinkie especially, it's definitely an appropriate ceremony.
I liked this story, and honestly had no trouble figuring out what was going on. I wouldn't call the idea a cliche, but it was certainly familiar, so once Pinkie stepped outside, it became immediately clear the direction the author had taken. That said, maybe it's just me. But I think regarding any story, it really benefits me to be a little patient if I don't immediately understand everything that's going on, and read through to see what the author has done to resolve that. Though you can go too far with hiding things in your story (I am guilty of that), not every story works perfectly by unveiling all of the salient points as it goes.
About Pinkie's new name: I've liked (and incorporated) the idea of children's names changing as they mature - it seems like a natural headcannon, considering how well pony names fit them. To me this seems like a really solid idea to use in Pinkie's case.
That said, it doesn't seem like too much of a stretch to imagine that Igneous and Cloudy would still use Pinkie's formal name, while acknowledging out of respect that 'Pinkie Pie' is what their daughter wishes to know herself as and be known by. I think that once the other problems are ironed out, the understanding around this could be increased with a few minor edits to reinforce the idea of Pinkie's new identity.
I feel that this story did what it set out to do, and the author really only needs fix the minor problems others have already mentioned. I could only nitpick from there, so I'll give it a rest. Really nice work.
I liked this story, and honestly had no trouble figuring out what was going on. I wouldn't call the idea a cliche, but it was certainly familiar, so once Pinkie stepped outside, it became immediately clear the direction the author had taken. That said, maybe it's just me. But I think regarding any story, it really benefits me to be a little patient if I don't immediately understand everything that's going on, and read through to see what the author has done to resolve that. Though you can go too far with hiding things in your story (I am guilty of that), not every story works perfectly by unveiling all of the salient points as it goes.
About Pinkie's new name: I've liked (and incorporated) the idea of children's names changing as they mature - it seems like a natural headcannon, considering how well pony names fit them. To me this seems like a really solid idea to use in Pinkie's case.
That said, it doesn't seem like too much of a stretch to imagine that Igneous and Cloudy would still use Pinkie's formal name, while acknowledging out of respect that 'Pinkie Pie' is what their daughter wishes to know herself as and be known by. I think that once the other problems are ironed out, the understanding around this could be increased with a few minor edits to reinforce the idea of Pinkie's new identity.
I feel that this story did what it set out to do, and the author really only needs fix the minor problems others have already mentioned. I could only nitpick from there, so I'll give it a rest. Really nice work.