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“Rainbow Dash! I’m so glad I found you! I just thought of a super fantastically awesome idea! I haven’t had an idea this good since the time I convinced Twilight to make Sugar Day a national holiday!”
“That sounds great, Pinkie, but can it wait until later? Winter is coming soon, and I want to spend as much time with Tank as possible before…” Rainbow looked back at the tortoise, who gave her a slow smile. “Well, you know. That.”
“But that’s exactly what my idea was about! I was thinking about how around this time last year, you got all sad and starting acting like Tank was going to die or something. And I don’t like it when any of my friends are sad, so I decided that I needed to do something to make sure that you stayed happy!”
“Really? What did you have in mind?”
“A PARTY, of course!” Pinkie yelled as confetti burst out behind her.
“I really should have seen that one coming.”
Pinkie giggled. “Yup! There’s no problem that your auntie Pinkie Pie can’t solve with a good party!”
“All my aunts are pegasi. But I suppose a party can’t hurt. What do you have in mind?”
“It will be a celebration of Tank. Rarity will make him a fancy little suit so that he’ll look his absolute best. And all of his friends and your friends will be there, and we’ll all talk about how awesome he is and how much he means to all of us. Because even though he’s your pet, his absence affects all of us.
“And then of course there will be food and games, because what’s a party without food and games? I’ll make cakes and cupcakes and pies and punch and all of Tank’s favorite foods. And we’ll play pin the tail on the turtle, and smash a piñata, and do all the other games that you and tank love so much. It’s the perfect way to honor and remember Tank before we send him off to his hibernation. And since it’s a Pinkie Pie party, you know that everyone is guaranteed to have a great time!”
“Wow, Pinkie, that sounds great. There’s just one thing though.”
“What’s that?”
“Celebrating my time with Tank sounds better than mourning him leaving, but it kinda seems like you might be building up to something.”
Pinkie cocked her head. “Oh? Like what?.”
“Like, well, what are you planning on calling this party?”
“Well, since it will be our last time with Tank before he goes to sleep, I’m going to call it a ‘wake.’”
“That sounds great, Pinkie, but can it wait until later? Winter is coming soon, and I want to spend as much time with Tank as possible before…” Rainbow looked back at the tortoise, who gave her a slow smile. “Well, you know. That.”
“But that’s exactly what my idea was about! I was thinking about how around this time last year, you got all sad and starting acting like Tank was going to die or something. And I don’t like it when any of my friends are sad, so I decided that I needed to do something to make sure that you stayed happy!”
“Really? What did you have in mind?”
“A PARTY, of course!” Pinkie yelled as confetti burst out behind her.
“I really should have seen that one coming.”
Pinkie giggled. “Yup! There’s no problem that your auntie Pinkie Pie can’t solve with a good party!”
“All my aunts are pegasi. But I suppose a party can’t hurt. What do you have in mind?”
“It will be a celebration of Tank. Rarity will make him a fancy little suit so that he’ll look his absolute best. And all of his friends and your friends will be there, and we’ll all talk about how awesome he is and how much he means to all of us. Because even though he’s your pet, his absence affects all of us.
“And then of course there will be food and games, because what’s a party without food and games? I’ll make cakes and cupcakes and pies and punch and all of Tank’s favorite foods. And we’ll play pin the tail on the turtle, and smash a piñata, and do all the other games that you and tank love so much. It’s the perfect way to honor and remember Tank before we send him off to his hibernation. And since it’s a Pinkie Pie party, you know that everyone is guaranteed to have a great time!”
“Wow, Pinkie, that sounds great. There’s just one thing though.”
“What’s that?”
“Celebrating my time with Tank sounds better than mourning him leaving, but it kinda seems like you might be building up to something.”
Pinkie cocked her head. “Oh? Like what?.”
“Like, well, what are you planning on calling this party?”
“Well, since it will be our last time with Tank before he goes to sleep, I’m going to call it a ‘wake.’”
Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):
Applejack: 3
Rainbow: 1
Pinkie: 1
Oi, you should feel ashamed for this one =P
More seriously, this one works fairly well. Dash is a little out of character, and Pinkie is a little too "describing exactly what's going on", but not so much that it was overly distracting. And I think the set up for the joke at the end is a teensy bit forced. But, well, it made me smile so it's not all bad.
So yeah. Could use some polish for sure, but I enjoyed it.
Verdict: Flawed but fun.
Applejack: 3
Rainbow: 1
Pinkie: 1
Oi, you should feel ashamed for this one =P
More seriously, this one works fairly well. Dash is a little out of character, and Pinkie is a little too "describing exactly what's going on", but not so much that it was overly distracting. And I think the set up for the joke at the end is a teensy bit forced. But, well, it made me smile so it's not all bad.
So yeah. Could use some polish for sure, but I enjoyed it.
Verdict: Flawed but fun.
You like the expression What do you have in mind, don’t you :P
I think your PP and RD sound a bit too… formal? I mean, you could use more contractions to make both sound more colloquial.
But what’s worse to me, your PP turns out to be really unimaginative. I mean, it’s like she falls short of fancying something really special for Tank and just throws a standard, lackadaisical party. While the gist, the very shtick of Pinkie Pie is personalising her parties to the one she wants to celebrate. And well, I don’t get the final pun.
So, yeah, at the end, I’m not convinced. But take heart, I haven’t been since I started this round, so while this one unfortunately doesn’t buck the trend, it doesn’t mean it will end up very low on my slate.
I think your PP and RD sound a bit too… formal? I mean, you could use more contractions to make both sound more colloquial.
But what’s worse to me, your PP turns out to be really unimaginative. I mean, it’s like she falls short of fancying something really special for Tank and just throws a standard, lackadaisical party. While the gist, the very shtick of Pinkie Pie is personalising her parties to the one she wants to celebrate. And well, I don’t get the final pun.
So, yeah, at the end, I’m not convinced. But take heart, I haven’t been since I started this round, so while this one unfortunately doesn’t buck the trend, it doesn’t mean it will end up very low on my slate.
Eh, it's a joke, I guess?
I both saw this one coming, and didn't feel it was super funny or ridiculous. Some points for a fully-dialogue story that wasn't confusing or annoying, but there's just not a whole lot here. That's the trial of the minific round, but still.
I both saw this one coming, and didn't feel it was super funny or ridiculous. Some points for a fully-dialogue story that wasn't confusing or annoying, but there's just not a whole lot here. That's the trial of the minific round, but still.
(Destressing at work again. Going to start in on the ones with only three review posts.)
I would call this a lower-middle-of-the-pack story. Nothing here broke me out of my reading, so kudos for smooth writing and characterization, but it also did nothing to excite me. I spent most of the story waiting for the hook, and then realized the whole thing was building up to a joke, and the joke was pretty underwhelming. There's really nothing in the long setup here that we haven't seen almost exactly in the show. One way to fix that, as >>Calipony suggests, might be to personalize the party more, although even with more polish I'm not sure I could ever see this one as rising above the weak core joke.
Tier: Misaimed
>>Calipony
To explain the final pun, as well as provide some historical context:
"Wake" is an English word for a social gathering held after someone's death. ( If I create a link in spoiler text, it will color the text, so here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wake_(ceremony) ) The pun here plays off of the fact that Tank is sleeping, so they are celebrating the fact that he will be waking up in the indefinite future, as well as the idea that a "wake" is a death party, because Rainbow Dash treated it like a death. The reason that the joke is weak is that the double meaning literally comes from the word's own etymology. In the days before modern medical science, sometimes people actually were buried alive, so friends of the deceased would gather and stay up all night to make certain that the dead person truly had kicked the bucket.
I would call this a lower-middle-of-the-pack story. Nothing here broke me out of my reading, so kudos for smooth writing and characterization, but it also did nothing to excite me. I spent most of the story waiting for the hook, and then realized the whole thing was building up to a joke, and the joke was pretty underwhelming. There's really nothing in the long setup here that we haven't seen almost exactly in the show. One way to fix that, as >>Calipony suggests, might be to personalize the party more, although even with more polish I'm not sure I could ever see this one as rising above the weak core joke.
Tier: Misaimed
>>Calipony
To explain the final pun, as well as provide some historical context:
"Wake" is an English word for a social gathering held after someone's death. ( If I create a link in spoiler text, it will color the text, so here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wake_(ceremony) ) The pun here plays off of the fact that Tank is sleeping, so they are celebrating the fact that he will be waking up in the indefinite future, as well as the idea that a "wake" is a death party, because Rainbow Dash treated it like a death. The reason that the joke is weak is that the double meaning literally comes from the word's own etymology. In the days before modern medical science, sometimes people actually were buried alive, so friends of the deceased would gather and stay up all night to make certain that the dead person truly had kicked the bucket.
This is a first: a 450-word story that runs too long. You could have told this feghoot in 100 words, and adding excessive dialogue wasn't the right way to pad it. If you'd described action and scenery it could have worked, though, so it could be saved by less reliance on talking. Show us what Dash is doing in more detail, show Pinkie's approach, add some tension between the characters, and don't have them literally come out and say "it's like Tank dies" multiple times—come up with a less direct way to give the reader that impression.
I was distracted by the formality of their speech, and the apparent mishandling of the subtlety of the actual episode this leans on. Then of course it turns out to be a feghoot, and I groaned, because I realized I'd been had.
Author, I can't elevate this among the ranks of the strongest competitors in this Writeoff, but I think you accomplished what you set out to do here.
Author, I can't elevate this among the ranks of the strongest competitors in this Writeoff, but I think you accomplished what you set out to do here.
This is an okay one. I mean, the 'accidental' funeral theme comes on a bit strong. There's nothing flat-out bad in it, it's entertaining enough, it just isn't...stellar? Definitely agreeing with other commenters that it feels middle of the pack.
>>Bugle
>>Calipony
>>Not_A_Hat
>>horizon
>>Trick_Question
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Morning Sun
(I'm not sure how helpful it really is to tag people in retrospectives when we don't get notifications anyway, but whatever.)
The biggest problem with this story is that I was extremely unmotivated while I was writing it, so it took way too long to write, so I was very sick of it by the time I was done. All of that adds up to me submitting a rather subpar story that didn't even manage to do what I wanted it to.
I was trying to set up a subverted punchline, where you would be expecting Pinkie to make a joke about a "fun"-eral (or "putting the 'fun' in 'funeral,' as people say), only to have her deliver a completely different pun instead. That's why I was so explicit about the comparisons to Tank dying. The title was also supposed to be a hint towards a fun-eral pun, and Rainbow's last two lines were supposed to be her basically saying "You're trying to set this up for an obvious fun-eral pun, aren't you?" I actually initially had Rainbow call her out on it instead, but I thought it would be better with at least a little bit of subtlety. But maybe not.
>>Calipony
>>Not_A_Hat
>>horizon
>>Trick_Question
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Morning Sun
(I'm not sure how helpful it really is to tag people in retrospectives when we don't get notifications anyway, but whatever.)
The biggest problem with this story is that I was extremely unmotivated while I was writing it, so it took way too long to write, so I was very sick of it by the time I was done. All of that adds up to me submitting a rather subpar story that didn't even manage to do what I wanted it to.
I was trying to set up a subverted punchline, where you would be expecting Pinkie to make a joke about a "fun"-eral (or "putting the 'fun' in 'funeral,' as people say), only to have her deliver a completely different pun instead. That's why I was so explicit about the comparisons to Tank dying. The title was also supposed to be a hint towards a fun-eral pun, and Rainbow's last two lines were supposed to be her basically saying "You're trying to set this up for an obvious fun-eral pun, aren't you?" I actually initially had Rainbow call her out on it instead, but I thought it would be better with at least a little bit of subtlety. But maybe not.
>>The_Letter_J
Yeah, I think this would have been a stronger story if you'd set up the subversion more clearly.
Yeah, I think this would have been a stronger story if you'd set up the subversion more clearly.