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We need more pony hugs.
Well, I know what I'm writing!
I definitely don't have the talent to pull it off optimally, but I think I have the talent to pull it of well enough to be entertaining to some.
Best of luck to all writers!
I definitely don't have the talent to pull it off optimally, but I think I have the talent to pull it of well enough to be entertaining to some.
Best of luck to all writers!
>>FanOfMostEverything
It's a very different experience writing something in the WO, however, and I want that experience for this story.
Also, most of my non-WO writing time goes to my blog.
It's a very different experience writing something in the WO, however, and I want that experience for this story.
Also, most of my non-WO writing time goes to my blog.
I have mixed feelings about this. And I fear I'm mostly going to parrot the above.
First off, a disclaimer. I'm not really into mythoses that are along the lines of "Equestria is really Earth post some massive event". And while this is not literally that, it's close enough that it triggers the same responses from me.
That being said, if I ignore my distaste for that particular premise, it's still enjoyable. And it certainly does answer a very simple (and entertaining!) question. In fact, the first scene of the story is easily my favourite (I'd say "easily the best", but the stance in my disclaimer may be skewing that).
But there are still logistical flaws, many of which others pointed out. But the most important one to me is, you guessed it, H.G. Wells. Why? Well, did you ever read "Fans!"? No? Well, there was a storyline in there where they had to rescue H.G. Wells (there's a very good reason for it which I won't spoil) and they propose doing so by sending him a personal forcefield. Which, if he picks up, will allow them to better defend him. Someone else asks the leader why he thinks Wells would even consider touching such a strange and foreign device. The answer?
Because he's H.G. Wells.
My point here is I don't think he's reacting like I'd expect Mr. Wells to react to a talking pony, at least not initially. He already knows a) they're in a different REALITY and b) magic of some sort exists here (they met a real pegasus! Who else could a horse fly but with magic?). So while there might be a brief moment where he's very surprised, I don't think he'd ever be scared. He'd be fascinated. Intrigued. Want to learn more.
Because he is H.G. Wells.
So, yeah, sorry, I found that very distracting as I just couldn't buy it. Oh, I went along with it because the rest of the story was fairly interesting (though, again, flawed), but it still nagged me the entire rest of the time. ENough so that I had to write, well, this very rant about it.
I'd suggest either not having him be Wells since, as others pointed out, it's not necessary for him to be. Or make him a lot more Wellsy.
Anyway, this is getting long so I'll wrap up. I'll stress again that the Twilight and Celestia interactions are pretty great (though I wish we either only had Twilight's PoV or only Celestia's, but that's a minor nitpick), and I do think this is a pretty solid story even if not normally one I'd seek out. I do love me some world building! Even if I really hate the foundation you're building from.
Verdict: Flawed but enjoyable.
First off, a disclaimer. I'm not really into mythoses that are along the lines of "Equestria is really Earth post some massive event". And while this is not literally that, it's close enough that it triggers the same responses from me.
That being said, if I ignore my distaste for that particular premise, it's still enjoyable. And it certainly does answer a very simple (and entertaining!) question. In fact, the first scene of the story is easily my favourite (I'd say "easily the best", but the stance in my disclaimer may be skewing that).
But there are still logistical flaws, many of which others pointed out. But the most important one to me is, you guessed it, H.G. Wells. Why? Well, did you ever read "Fans!"? No? Well, there was a storyline in there where they had to rescue H.G. Wells (there's a very good reason for it which I won't spoil) and they propose doing so by sending him a personal forcefield. Which, if he picks up, will allow them to better defend him. Someone else asks the leader why he thinks Wells would even consider touching such a strange and foreign device. The answer?
Because he's H.G. Wells.
My point here is I don't think he's reacting like I'd expect Mr. Wells to react to a talking pony, at least not initially. He already knows a) they're in a different REALITY and b) magic of some sort exists here (they met a real pegasus! Who else could a horse fly but with magic?). So while there might be a brief moment where he's very surprised, I don't think he'd ever be scared. He'd be fascinated. Intrigued. Want to learn more.
Because he is H.G. Wells.
So, yeah, sorry, I found that very distracting as I just couldn't buy it. Oh, I went along with it because the rest of the story was fairly interesting (though, again, flawed), but it still nagged me the entire rest of the time. ENough so that I had to write, well, this very rant about it.
I'd suggest either not having him be Wells since, as others pointed out, it's not necessary for him to be. Or make him a lot more Wellsy.
Anyway, this is getting long so I'll wrap up. I'll stress again that the Twilight and Celestia interactions are pretty great (though I wish we either only had Twilight's PoV or only Celestia's, but that's a minor nitpick), and I do think this is a pretty solid story even if not normally one I'd seek out. I do love me some world building! Even if I really hate the foundation you're building from.
Verdict: Flawed but enjoyable.
Okay, I have the time to write for this one. And I have a story I really want to write, so here's hoping the prompt allows for it as I don't want to wait 12 weeks to get to it.
Well, there went my hopes of this being a story about Applejack in Daring Do's role (Someone write that, by the way).
***
There's a lot of rough editing (missing letters/words litter the story), and I'm not really fond of the formatting (italics to signify a flashback never has worked for me. And using different colours for specific sections was more distracting than anything. Especially the red, which was very difficult to read. Oh and I also think you used unnecessary scene breaks in the red text section.). But I only bring that up to point it out to you; it doesn't really affect the actual content much.
So what about the content? Well, it's interesting. Not my thing (I'm really not a fan of stories that portray Celestia as a warlord of some sort), but I can't say I was disinterested. I fully expected to dislike it out the gate when realizing AJ Yearling was NOT Applejack (So sad!), but you managed to keep me interested in whatshe actually was discovering. I'm a sucker for good world building. And while it doesn't fit my personal tastes, this is pretty solid world building.
So I think I agree with FOME that with some polish and tightening (and possibly some reformating), this could do well.
Verdict: Close, but not quite there.
***
There's a lot of rough editing (missing letters/words litter the story), and I'm not really fond of the formatting (italics to signify a flashback never has worked for me. And using different colours for specific sections was more distracting than anything. Especially the red, which was very difficult to read. Oh and I also think you used unnecessary scene breaks in the red text section.). But I only bring that up to point it out to you; it doesn't really affect the actual content much.
So what about the content? Well, it's interesting. Not my thing (I'm really not a fan of stories that portray Celestia as a warlord of some sort), but I can't say I was disinterested. I fully expected to dislike it out the gate when realizing AJ Yearling was NOT Applejack (So sad!), but you managed to keep me interested in whatshe actually was discovering. I'm a sucker for good world building. And while it doesn't fit my personal tastes, this is pretty solid world building.
So I think I agree with FOME that with some polish and tightening (and possibly some reformating), this could do well.
Verdict: Close, but not quite there.
wYvern managed to capture most of my thoughts, so rather than simply repeat him, I'll just add a few more.
The establishing shots at the beginning of (some) scenes feel like they'd be better used in proper prose. This isn't a comic book or a TV show where you're using text to help explain what/when you're looking at something. It's pure text, so you can just, well write it! "Two hours later, Twilight found herself outside the Royal Canterlot Library" reads a lot better than just "The Canterlot Library"
The other major point I wanted to hit, and this is a big one, is that a lot of the dialogue doesn't really feel natural. Some of it is just too expositioiny, and some of it just doesn't feel like a real conversation. It makes it really difficult to believe these are real characters for me, because it doesn't feel like a conversation that could actually happen, just one to further the plot. I'm sorry for not really explaining this well, t's difficult to do as it's more of a "this feels wrong" than something I can point to and go "this is wrong because of X".
The impression I'm getting from this story is that you're a new writer. And there's nothing wrong with that! We were all new once, and we all made mistakes like these. So I think the best advice I can give you is to just keep on trying. THis is definitely not horrible. Just, well, the flaws stand out.
Verdict: Better luck next time.
The establishing shots at the beginning of (some) scenes feel like they'd be better used in proper prose. This isn't a comic book or a TV show where you're using text to help explain what/when you're looking at something. It's pure text, so you can just, well write it! "Two hours later, Twilight found herself outside the Royal Canterlot Library" reads a lot better than just "The Canterlot Library"
The other major point I wanted to hit, and this is a big one, is that a lot of the dialogue doesn't really feel natural. Some of it is just too expositioiny, and some of it just doesn't feel like a real conversation. It makes it really difficult to believe these are real characters for me, because it doesn't feel like a conversation that could actually happen, just one to further the plot. I'm sorry for not really explaining this well, t's difficult to do as it's more of a "this feels wrong" than something I can point to and go "this is wrong because of X".
The impression I'm getting from this story is that you're a new writer. And there's nothing wrong with that! We were all new once, and we all made mistakes like these. So I think the best advice I can give you is to just keep on trying. THis is definitely not horrible. Just, well, the flaws stand out.
Verdict: Better luck next time.
Okay, so, the technobabble at the beginning was really distracting. I felt like I was being introduced to a new gadget every 5 words, and was going "how much of this should I really be paying attention to?
Then we got past that and the rest of the story was amazing.
I love the world building here. I love the characterizations of the three characters with speaking roles, and the characters without speaking roles. I love the problem they're trying to escape. I love their solution to it and the problems that creates. Really, the more I read, the more I wanted to keep reading (I actually had to sneak peeks at it during work cause I didn't finish on my lunch break yesterday). And, well, that's the highest praise I can give.
I admit I was a bit disappointed in the less-than-happy ending. I really wanted to see the people who had actually come up with the plan. But... I can't say it wasn't fitting.
Good job. Just... just good job.
Verdict: Fantastic.
Then we got past that and the rest of the story was amazing.
I love the world building here. I love the characterizations of the three characters with speaking roles, and the characters without speaking roles. I love the problem they're trying to escape. I love their solution to it and the problems that creates. Really, the more I read, the more I wanted to keep reading (I actually had to sneak peeks at it during work cause I didn't finish on my lunch break yesterday). And, well, that's the highest praise I can give.
I admit I was a bit disappointed in the less-than-happy ending. I really wanted to see the people who had actually come up with the plan. But... I can't say it wasn't fitting.
Good job. Just... just good job.
Verdict: Fantastic.
So, I'm going to slightly disagree with the previous commentors in that I found the story to be hilarious! Mostly because of exactly what everyone else said was wrong about the story, actually. Everything about it is absurd. From the notion of a butler reading Celestia a bedtime story, to the idea that Twilight would plagerize, to Twilight's reactions to being found out, to the actual consequences of her actions being precisely what she envisioned them to be. It's all just so stupid! And I love it! This just struck my funny bone perfectly.
Now, this all comes to a screeching halt in the last scene which is played way too straight for my liking. It's like it forgot to be absurd all of a sudden and had to remind us "oh, no, everything is going to be alright eventually." I think it would have been way better if it was taken even extremer.
Celestia: Also, as you are no longer the Princess of Friendship, I will be relieving you of your friends. Henceforth, they will be Princess Cadance's friends.
Twilight: But, you can't do that!
Applejack: Sorry, Twi. Official orders. I'd ask you to help me in the moving of Sweet Apple Acres from Ponyville to the Crystal Empire, but I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore.
Twilight: Applejack? When did you get here.
Rainbow Dash: Well, this isn't so bad. I hear Princess Cadance is just got into the Daring Do books. We'll be able to gush about them together in no time!
Twilight: But that's what we used to do together...
And so on and so forth. You get the picture.
So yeah. This was a pretty flawed story (for the reasons others mentioned), but for me the flaws made it more enjoyable, not less.
Verdict: Delightfully stupid (and I mean that in the best possible way).
Now, this all comes to a screeching halt in the last scene which is played way too straight for my liking. It's like it forgot to be absurd all of a sudden and had to remind us "oh, no, everything is going to be alright eventually." I think it would have been way better if it was taken even extremer.
Celestia: Also, as you are no longer the Princess of Friendship, I will be relieving you of your friends. Henceforth, they will be Princess Cadance's friends.
Twilight: But, you can't do that!
Applejack: Sorry, Twi. Official orders. I'd ask you to help me in the moving of Sweet Apple Acres from Ponyville to the Crystal Empire, but I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore.
Twilight: Applejack? When did you get here.
Rainbow Dash: Well, this isn't so bad. I hear Princess Cadance is just got into the Daring Do books. We'll be able to gush about them together in no time!
Twilight: But that's what we used to do together...
And so on and so forth. You get the picture.
So yeah. This was a pretty flawed story (for the reasons others mentioned), but for me the flaws made it more enjoyable, not less.
Verdict: Delightfully stupid (and I mean that in the best possible way).
Awww, didn't make Finals. I'm curious to see how much I missed by, but oh well. I still think I had a good run.
So everyone more or less said the same thing here. Namely that the premise was good, but the execution needs fine tuning. And I can't say I disagree. Part of the problem here was I was very busy that weekend, and basically had to magically create time to write at all. And part of it was, well, I wasn't 100% sure what to do with it.
Thankfully, that's one of the reasons I WANTED to post this to the WO. Crowd sourcing ideas is great. And I have a better idea now.
I'm definitely going to try and fine tune this one for FimFic (after Gencon. Nationals are too important right now), and I hope the final product winds up being better.
For those curious, this story was inspired by Lullaby for a Princess. While watching it the most recent time, I went "yeah, this is definitely the single saddest moment in all of Equestrian history. And it can never happen again...
And then I realized it could. And my brain went to work. And while I'm not satisfied with the outcome, I am pleased with it. And I do think I can make it better with more time/effort. And it seems like everyone here thinks so too, so awesome.
Anyway, the most surprising thing for me was that no one commented along the lines of "Oh, another Nightmare Cadance story." I seriously expected that to be well, well explored terrioty. But no one even mentioned such, so maybe it's not all that explored at all? I really didn't expect to be treading newish ground here. It seems so obvious, once you think about it!
Anyway, thanks again for the reviews. Shame I didn't make finals, but I do definitely understand the critisims. Hopefully the finished product will be something awesome, though :)
So everyone more or less said the same thing here. Namely that the premise was good, but the execution needs fine tuning. And I can't say I disagree. Part of the problem here was I was very busy that weekend, and basically had to magically create time to write at all. And part of it was, well, I wasn't 100% sure what to do with it.
Thankfully, that's one of the reasons I WANTED to post this to the WO. Crowd sourcing ideas is great. And I have a better idea now.
I'm definitely going to try and fine tune this one for FimFic (after Gencon. Nationals are too important right now), and I hope the final product winds up being better.
For those curious, this story was inspired by Lullaby for a Princess. While watching it the most recent time, I went "yeah, this is definitely the single saddest moment in all of Equestrian history. And it can never happen again...
And then I realized it could. And my brain went to work. And while I'm not satisfied with the outcome, I am pleased with it. And I do think I can make it better with more time/effort. And it seems like everyone here thinks so too, so awesome.
Anyway, the most surprising thing for me was that no one commented along the lines of "Oh, another Nightmare Cadance story." I seriously expected that to be well, well explored terrioty. But no one even mentioned such, so maybe it's not all that explored at all? I really didn't expect to be treading newish ground here. It seems so obvious, once you think about it!
Anyway, thanks again for the reviews. Shame I didn't make finals, but I do definitely understand the critisims. Hopefully the finished product will be something awesome, though :)