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>>sharpspark
I wrote paragraph three, which surprisingly didn't wind up being the shortest paragraph. I am mildly disappointed while simultaneously greatly pleased that absolutely nothing came of it.
The goal there was mostly just to give the next person in line something pretty out there to work with.
I wrote paragraph three, which surprisingly didn't wind up being the shortest paragraph. I am mildly disappointed while simultaneously greatly pleased that absolutely nothing came of it.
The goal there was mostly just to give the next person in line something pretty out there to work with.
Awww, didn't make Finals. I'm curious to see how much I missed by, but oh well. I still think I had a good run.
So everyone more or less said the same thing here. Namely that the premise was good, but the execution needs fine tuning. And I can't say I disagree. Part of the problem here was I was very busy that weekend, and basically had to magically create time to write at all. And part of it was, well, I wasn't 100% sure what to do with it.
Thankfully, that's one of the reasons I WANTED to post this to the WO. Crowd sourcing ideas is great. And I have a better idea now.
I'm definitely going to try and fine tune this one for FimFic (after Gencon. Nationals are too important right now), and I hope the final product winds up being better.
For those curious, this story was inspired by Lullaby for a Princess. While watching it the most recent time, I went "yeah, this is definitely the single saddest moment in all of Equestrian history. And it can never happen again...
And then I realized it could. And my brain went to work. And while I'm not satisfied with the outcome, I am pleased with it. And I do think I can make it better with more time/effort. And it seems like everyone here thinks so too, so awesome.
Anyway, the most surprising thing for me was that no one commented along the lines of "Oh, another Nightmare Cadance story." I seriously expected that to be well, well explored terrioty. But no one even mentioned such, so maybe it's not all that explored at all? I really didn't expect to be treading newish ground here. It seems so obvious, once you think about it!
Anyway, thanks again for the reviews. Shame I didn't make finals, but I do definitely understand the critisims. Hopefully the finished product will be something awesome, though :)
So everyone more or less said the same thing here. Namely that the premise was good, but the execution needs fine tuning. And I can't say I disagree. Part of the problem here was I was very busy that weekend, and basically had to magically create time to write at all. And part of it was, well, I wasn't 100% sure what to do with it.
Thankfully, that's one of the reasons I WANTED to post this to the WO. Crowd sourcing ideas is great. And I have a better idea now.
I'm definitely going to try and fine tune this one for FimFic (after Gencon. Nationals are too important right now), and I hope the final product winds up being better.
For those curious, this story was inspired by Lullaby for a Princess. While watching it the most recent time, I went "yeah, this is definitely the single saddest moment in all of Equestrian history. And it can never happen again...
And then I realized it could. And my brain went to work. And while I'm not satisfied with the outcome, I am pleased with it. And I do think I can make it better with more time/effort. And it seems like everyone here thinks so too, so awesome.
Anyway, the most surprising thing for me was that no one commented along the lines of "Oh, another Nightmare Cadance story." I seriously expected that to be well, well explored terrioty. But no one even mentioned such, so maybe it's not all that explored at all? I really didn't expect to be treading newish ground here. It seems so obvious, once you think about it!
Anyway, thanks again for the reviews. Shame I didn't make finals, but I do definitely understand the critisims. Hopefully the finished product will be something awesome, though :)
>>The_Letter_J
You're probably right that it wasn't intended, the more I think of it. But I think it could be shaped that way with little effort.
You're probably right that it wasn't intended, the more I think of it. But I think it could be shaped that way with little effort.
>>Bad Horse
Xepher reminded me the word I was looking for wa "Jargon" I didn't have it at the tip of my tongue, so went for the closest thing I could think of (which wound up being wrong).
Xepher reminded me the word I was looking for wa "Jargon" I didn't have it at the tip of my tongue, so went for the closest thing I could think of (which wound up being wrong).
I have mixed feelings about this. And I fear I'm mostly going to parrot the above.
First off, a disclaimer. I'm not really into mythoses that are along the lines of "Equestria is really Earth post some massive event". And while this is not literally that, it's close enough that it triggers the same responses from me.
That being said, if I ignore my distaste for that particular premise, it's still enjoyable. And it certainly does answer a very simple (and entertaining!) question. In fact, the first scene of the story is easily my favourite (I'd say "easily the best", but the stance in my disclaimer may be skewing that).
But there are still logistical flaws, many of which others pointed out. But the most important one to me is, you guessed it, H.G. Wells. Why? Well, did you ever read "Fans!"? No? Well, there was a storyline in there where they had to rescue H.G. Wells (there's a very good reason for it which I won't spoil) and they propose doing so by sending him a personal forcefield. Which, if he picks up, will allow them to better defend him. Someone else asks the leader why he thinks Wells would even consider touching such a strange and foreign device. The answer?
Because he's H.G. Wells.
My point here is I don't think he's reacting like I'd expect Mr. Wells to react to a talking pony, at least not initially. He already knows a) they're in a different REALITY and b) magic of some sort exists here (they met a real pegasus! Who else could a horse fly but with magic?). So while there might be a brief moment where he's very surprised, I don't think he'd ever be scared. He'd be fascinated. Intrigued. Want to learn more.
Because he is H.G. Wells.
So, yeah, sorry, I found that very distracting as I just couldn't buy it. Oh, I went along with it because the rest of the story was fairly interesting (though, again, flawed), but it still nagged me the entire rest of the time. ENough so that I had to write, well, this very rant about it.
I'd suggest either not having him be Wells since, as others pointed out, it's not necessary for him to be. Or make him a lot more Wellsy.
Anyway, this is getting long so I'll wrap up. I'll stress again that the Twilight and Celestia interactions are pretty great (though I wish we either only had Twilight's PoV or only Celestia's, but that's a minor nitpick), and I do think this is a pretty solid story even if not normally one I'd seek out. I do love me some world building! Even if I really hate the foundation you're building from.
Verdict: Flawed but enjoyable.
First off, a disclaimer. I'm not really into mythoses that are along the lines of "Equestria is really Earth post some massive event". And while this is not literally that, it's close enough that it triggers the same responses from me.
That being said, if I ignore my distaste for that particular premise, it's still enjoyable. And it certainly does answer a very simple (and entertaining!) question. In fact, the first scene of the story is easily my favourite (I'd say "easily the best", but the stance in my disclaimer may be skewing that).
But there are still logistical flaws, many of which others pointed out. But the most important one to me is, you guessed it, H.G. Wells. Why? Well, did you ever read "Fans!"? No? Well, there was a storyline in there where they had to rescue H.G. Wells (there's a very good reason for it which I won't spoil) and they propose doing so by sending him a personal forcefield. Which, if he picks up, will allow them to better defend him. Someone else asks the leader why he thinks Wells would even consider touching such a strange and foreign device. The answer?
Because he's H.G. Wells.
My point here is I don't think he's reacting like I'd expect Mr. Wells to react to a talking pony, at least not initially. He already knows a) they're in a different REALITY and b) magic of some sort exists here (they met a real pegasus! Who else could a horse fly but with magic?). So while there might be a brief moment where he's very surprised, I don't think he'd ever be scared. He'd be fascinated. Intrigued. Want to learn more.
Because he is H.G. Wells.
So, yeah, sorry, I found that very distracting as I just couldn't buy it. Oh, I went along with it because the rest of the story was fairly interesting (though, again, flawed), but it still nagged me the entire rest of the time. ENough so that I had to write, well, this very rant about it.
I'd suggest either not having him be Wells since, as others pointed out, it's not necessary for him to be. Or make him a lot more Wellsy.
Anyway, this is getting long so I'll wrap up. I'll stress again that the Twilight and Celestia interactions are pretty great (though I wish we either only had Twilight's PoV or only Celestia's, but that's a minor nitpick), and I do think this is a pretty solid story even if not normally one I'd seek out. I do love me some world building! Even if I really hate the foundation you're building from.
Verdict: Flawed but enjoyable.
So, I'm going to slightly disagree with the previous commentors in that I found the story to be hilarious! Mostly because of exactly what everyone else said was wrong about the story, actually. Everything about it is absurd. From the notion of a butler reading Celestia a bedtime story, to the idea that Twilight would plagerize, to Twilight's reactions to being found out, to the actual consequences of her actions being precisely what she envisioned them to be. It's all just so stupid! And I love it! This just struck my funny bone perfectly.
Now, this all comes to a screeching halt in the last scene which is played way too straight for my liking. It's like it forgot to be absurd all of a sudden and had to remind us "oh, no, everything is going to be alright eventually." I think it would have been way better if it was taken even extremer.
Celestia: Also, as you are no longer the Princess of Friendship, I will be relieving you of your friends. Henceforth, they will be Princess Cadance's friends.
Twilight: But, you can't do that!
Applejack: Sorry, Twi. Official orders. I'd ask you to help me in the moving of Sweet Apple Acres from Ponyville to the Crystal Empire, but I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore.
Twilight: Applejack? When did you get here.
Rainbow Dash: Well, this isn't so bad. I hear Princess Cadance is just got into the Daring Do books. We'll be able to gush about them together in no time!
Twilight: But that's what we used to do together...
And so on and so forth. You get the picture.
So yeah. This was a pretty flawed story (for the reasons others mentioned), but for me the flaws made it more enjoyable, not less.
Verdict: Delightfully stupid (and I mean that in the best possible way).
Now, this all comes to a screeching halt in the last scene which is played way too straight for my liking. It's like it forgot to be absurd all of a sudden and had to remind us "oh, no, everything is going to be alright eventually." I think it would have been way better if it was taken even extremer.
Celestia: Also, as you are no longer the Princess of Friendship, I will be relieving you of your friends. Henceforth, they will be Princess Cadance's friends.
Twilight: But, you can't do that!
Applejack: Sorry, Twi. Official orders. I'd ask you to help me in the moving of Sweet Apple Acres from Ponyville to the Crystal Empire, but I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore.
Twilight: Applejack? When did you get here.
Rainbow Dash: Well, this isn't so bad. I hear Princess Cadance is just got into the Daring Do books. We'll be able to gush about them together in no time!
Twilight: But that's what we used to do together...
And so on and so forth. You get the picture.
So yeah. This was a pretty flawed story (for the reasons others mentioned), but for me the flaws made it more enjoyable, not less.
Verdict: Delightfully stupid (and I mean that in the best possible way).
This is an interesting story, but I felt it was a bit too jarring at times. And I didn't really get as strong a feel for the characters as I felt I needed to.
It also felt far shorter than expected. Usually McGuffin quests have more than just the one hazard to overcome before reaching the objective (more hazards == more character development and more tension!).
And the ending felt, well, not complete. What was the significance of the glow? What are the consequences of finding the clock? These seem like questions that really should be answered and yet we're not really given an inkling.
My guess is the time limit didn't do you any favours. Maybe you didn't have enough time to write the full story for one reason or another. But I think that, given no hard time limit, you could polish thisinto something pretty great. As is, though...
Verdict: Needs more time and care.
It also felt far shorter than expected. Usually McGuffin quests have more than just the one hazard to overcome before reaching the objective (more hazards == more character development and more tension!).
And the ending felt, well, not complete. What was the significance of the glow? What are the consequences of finding the clock? These seem like questions that really should be answered and yet we're not really given an inkling.
My guess is the time limit didn't do you any favours. Maybe you didn't have enough time to write the full story for one reason or another. But I think that, given no hard time limit, you could polish thisinto something pretty great. As is, though...
Verdict: Needs more time and care.
Disclaimer: Shipfics are not for me. Sexual comedies are also not for me. So the long and the short of it is this story was very, very much not for me.
That being said, I can't find anything wrong with it besides my general disinterest in basically everything. So, uh, I think this is a good job?
Oh, and you did get one genuine hearty laugh from me for this bit:
Anyway, sorry I'm not much help, but there is basically nothing here for me.
Verdict: not for me.
That being said, I can't find anything wrong with it besides my general disinterest in basically everything. So, uh, I think this is a good job?
Oh, and you did get one genuine hearty laugh from me for this bit:
"Thou will want for nothing. All will be provided to thee: shelter, food, status, all of it given and all of it of the highest quality, and as our head concubine thou shall be the first in line to attempt to sate thine majesty's appetite as well as the privilege of using any other member of our harem for thine own pleasure. And if thou hast thine heart set on a family of thine own, then thou would certainly be allowed to take a wife to sire thy bloodline. For what reason couldst thou possibly deny thyself such a position?"
Macintosh blinked. "It's almost dinner time an' it's my turn to cook."
Anyway, sorry I'm not much help, but there is basically nothing here for me.
Verdict: not for me.
I'm not sure your title is actually appropriate as the only bell is one in the first sentence.
So this story was... well, there's stuff I liked and stuff I didn't.
I liked the speeches at the end. They were pretty cliche, but still made me smile.
I didn't like the interactions between Sunset and the other major figures. Starlight's voice never seemed right to me. Nor did Twilight's, or Celestia's, or even Luna's... The flow of conversation just didn't seem natural to me. It never felt like a real conversation.
I liked the core concept here of needing to decide whether or not to return to the old land or the new one.
I disliked that it never really actually felt like a choice because it was pretty obvious Sunset was going to stick around. At no point did I feel like there was any real tension here.
Really, it was a pretty mixed bag and I am unfortunately out of things to say (Short Story is a lot harder to critique than minifics for me, unfortunately. I think it's a very solid foundation, but the details just don't always work for me.
Verdict: Good start.
So this story was... well, there's stuff I liked and stuff I didn't.
I liked the speeches at the end. They were pretty cliche, but still made me smile.
I didn't like the interactions between Sunset and the other major figures. Starlight's voice never seemed right to me. Nor did Twilight's, or Celestia's, or even Luna's... The flow of conversation just didn't seem natural to me. It never felt like a real conversation.
I liked the core concept here of needing to decide whether or not to return to the old land or the new one.
I disliked that it never really actually felt like a choice because it was pretty obvious Sunset was going to stick around. At no point did I feel like there was any real tension here.
Really, it was a pretty mixed bag and I am unfortunately out of things to say (Short Story is a lot harder to critique than minifics for me, unfortunately. I think it's a very solid foundation, but the details just don't always work for me.
Verdict: Good start.
Okay, so, the technobabble at the beginning was really distracting. I felt like I was being introduced to a new gadget every 5 words, and was going "how much of this should I really be paying attention to?
Then we got past that and the rest of the story was amazing.
I love the world building here. I love the characterizations of the three characters with speaking roles, and the characters without speaking roles. I love the problem they're trying to escape. I love their solution to it and the problems that creates. Really, the more I read, the more I wanted to keep reading (I actually had to sneak peeks at it during work cause I didn't finish on my lunch break yesterday). And, well, that's the highest praise I can give.
I admit I was a bit disappointed in the less-than-happy ending. I really wanted to see the people who had actually come up with the plan. But... I can't say it wasn't fitting.
Good job. Just... just good job.
Verdict: Fantastic.
Then we got past that and the rest of the story was amazing.
I love the world building here. I love the characterizations of the three characters with speaking roles, and the characters without speaking roles. I love the problem they're trying to escape. I love their solution to it and the problems that creates. Really, the more I read, the more I wanted to keep reading (I actually had to sneak peeks at it during work cause I didn't finish on my lunch break yesterday). And, well, that's the highest praise I can give.
I admit I was a bit disappointed in the less-than-happy ending. I really wanted to see the people who had actually come up with the plan. But... I can't say it wasn't fitting.
Good job. Just... just good job.
Verdict: Fantastic.
wYvern managed to capture most of my thoughts, so rather than simply repeat him, I'll just add a few more.
The establishing shots at the beginning of (some) scenes feel like they'd be better used in proper prose. This isn't a comic book or a TV show where you're using text to help explain what/when you're looking at something. It's pure text, so you can just, well write it! "Two hours later, Twilight found herself outside the Royal Canterlot Library" reads a lot better than just "The Canterlot Library"
The other major point I wanted to hit, and this is a big one, is that a lot of the dialogue doesn't really feel natural. Some of it is just too expositioiny, and some of it just doesn't feel like a real conversation. It makes it really difficult to believe these are real characters for me, because it doesn't feel like a conversation that could actually happen, just one to further the plot. I'm sorry for not really explaining this well, t's difficult to do as it's more of a "this feels wrong" than something I can point to and go "this is wrong because of X".
The impression I'm getting from this story is that you're a new writer. And there's nothing wrong with that! We were all new once, and we all made mistakes like these. So I think the best advice I can give you is to just keep on trying. THis is definitely not horrible. Just, well, the flaws stand out.
Verdict: Better luck next time.
The establishing shots at the beginning of (some) scenes feel like they'd be better used in proper prose. This isn't a comic book or a TV show where you're using text to help explain what/when you're looking at something. It's pure text, so you can just, well write it! "Two hours later, Twilight found herself outside the Royal Canterlot Library" reads a lot better than just "The Canterlot Library"
The other major point I wanted to hit, and this is a big one, is that a lot of the dialogue doesn't really feel natural. Some of it is just too expositioiny, and some of it just doesn't feel like a real conversation. It makes it really difficult to believe these are real characters for me, because it doesn't feel like a conversation that could actually happen, just one to further the plot. I'm sorry for not really explaining this well, t's difficult to do as it's more of a "this feels wrong" than something I can point to and go "this is wrong because of X".
The impression I'm getting from this story is that you're a new writer. And there's nothing wrong with that! We were all new once, and we all made mistakes like these. So I think the best advice I can give you is to just keep on trying. THis is definitely not horrible. Just, well, the flaws stand out.
Verdict: Better luck next time.
Well, there went my hopes of this being a story about Applejack in Daring Do's role (Someone write that, by the way).
***
There's a lot of rough editing (missing letters/words litter the story), and I'm not really fond of the formatting (italics to signify a flashback never has worked for me. And using different colours for specific sections was more distracting than anything. Especially the red, which was very difficult to read. Oh and I also think you used unnecessary scene breaks in the red text section.). But I only bring that up to point it out to you; it doesn't really affect the actual content much.
So what about the content? Well, it's interesting. Not my thing (I'm really not a fan of stories that portray Celestia as a warlord of some sort), but I can't say I was disinterested. I fully expected to dislike it out the gate when realizing AJ Yearling was NOT Applejack (So sad!), but you managed to keep me interested in whatshe actually was discovering. I'm a sucker for good world building. And while it doesn't fit my personal tastes, this is pretty solid world building.
So I think I agree with FOME that with some polish and tightening (and possibly some reformating), this could do well.
Verdict: Close, but not quite there.
***
There's a lot of rough editing (missing letters/words litter the story), and I'm not really fond of the formatting (italics to signify a flashback never has worked for me. And using different colours for specific sections was more distracting than anything. Especially the red, which was very difficult to read. Oh and I also think you used unnecessary scene breaks in the red text section.). But I only bring that up to point it out to you; it doesn't really affect the actual content much.
So what about the content? Well, it's interesting. Not my thing (I'm really not a fan of stories that portray Celestia as a warlord of some sort), but I can't say I was disinterested. I fully expected to dislike it out the gate when realizing AJ Yearling was NOT Applejack (So sad!), but you managed to keep me interested in whatshe actually was discovering. I'm a sucker for good world building. And while it doesn't fit my personal tastes, this is pretty solid world building.
So I think I agree with FOME that with some polish and tightening (and possibly some reformating), this could do well.
Verdict: Close, but not quite there.
Well, I know what I'm writing!
I definitely don't have the talent to pull it off optimally, but I think I have the talent to pull it of well enough to be entertaining to some.
Best of luck to all writers!
I definitely don't have the talent to pull it off optimally, but I think I have the talent to pull it of well enough to be entertaining to some.
Best of luck to all writers!
>>FanOfMostEverything
It's a very different experience writing something in the WO, however, and I want that experience for this story.
Also, most of my non-WO writing time goes to my blog.
It's a very different experience writing something in the WO, however, and I want that experience for this story.
Also, most of my non-WO writing time goes to my blog.
Okay, I have the time to write for this one. And I have a story I really want to write, so here's hoping the prompt allows for it as I don't want to wait 12 weeks to get to it.
Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):
Rainbow: 6
Applejack: 5
Pinkie: 3
Twilight: 3
Rarity: 2
Fluttershy: 1
Sunset: 1
Meadow Flower? Where's my Cloudchaser? Erm, uh... [/notbiasednope]
So you're trying to add onto the shows canon and show a scene that happened between two others. That's fine. And it's honestly not a bad scene. Thing is... it wasn't needed. And, honestly, I think I like the scenes in question better if Dash storms over immediately and doesn't have the intention of quitting immediately, only getting the thought when she's already in Spitfire's office and Spitfire is a little too accepting of the situation.
So it's not a bad scene, but the fact that it doesn't add anything to the episode it references (and actually kind of detracts a little, at least for me), I'm afraid I didn't like it quite as much as I could have.
Verdict: Good, but flawed and a little unnecessary,
Rainbow: 6
Applejack: 5
Pinkie: 3
Twilight: 3
Rarity: 2
Fluttershy: 1
Sunset: 1
Meadow Flower? Where's my Cloudchaser? Erm, uh... [/notbiasednope]
So you're trying to add onto the shows canon and show a scene that happened between two others. That's fine. And it's honestly not a bad scene. Thing is... it wasn't needed. And, honestly, I think I like the scenes in question better if Dash storms over immediately and doesn't have the intention of quitting immediately, only getting the thought when she's already in Spitfire's office and Spitfire is a little too accepting of the situation.
So it's not a bad scene, but the fact that it doesn't add anything to the episode it references (and actually kind of detracts a little, at least for me), I'm afraid I didn't like it quite as much as I could have.
Verdict: Good, but flawed and a little unnecessary,
Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):
Applejack: 5
Rainbow: 5
Pinkie: 3
Twilight: 3
Rarity: 2
Fluttershy: 1
Sunset: 1
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
This is a pretty touchy subject, and I'm not sure it's really handled well, to be honest. A bit too anivlicious for me, but that's possibly just personal taste.
On the plus side, Twilight's written pretty accurately here. And Rainbow... okay, I think Rainbow's just a little too dumb. But I'd say she's pretty accurate outside of a line or two (and she needed to be modified a little for the conflict to even exist).
Trick is absolutely right in that the ending would be better without the last paragraph. Or just made it "Twilight sighed." or something signifying she has a response, but not tell us what it is.
All in all, this didn't work for me.
Verdict: Misaimed.
Applejack: 5
Rainbow: 5
Pinkie: 3
Twilight: 3
Rarity: 2
Fluttershy: 1
Sunset: 1
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
This is a pretty touchy subject, and I'm not sure it's really handled well, to be honest. A bit too anivlicious for me, but that's possibly just personal taste.
On the plus side, Twilight's written pretty accurately here. And Rainbow... okay, I think Rainbow's just a little too dumb. But I'd say she's pretty accurate outside of a line or two (and she needed to be modified a little for the conflict to even exist).
Trick is absolutely right in that the ending would be better without the last paragraph. Or just made it "Twilight sighed." or something signifying she has a response, but not tell us what it is.
All in all, this didn't work for me.
Verdict: Misaimed.
Yeesh, this one... well, it needs some fine tuning at the very least.
The conversation makes no sense if swapping characters per paragraph which leads me to believe there's a missing paragraph break somewhere, but I can't figure out where. Which just kind of... ruins the rest for me.
The ending almost works in some ways and falls short in others. Carapace's reaction doesn't seem appropriate, though. And it seems pretty foolish to just burst out, regardless of which side you assumed won the original skirmish. Not to mention if they've been underground that long, how did they not once decide to check on what's been happening on the surface? Surely if they were secreted away, they should be able to slightly move a door or manhole cover or whatever it was they're hiding in.
I dunno. The whole thing's pretty unbelievable to me. I think you could probably shape this into something that works, but it'll take a fair bit of effort.
Verdict: Weak.
The conversation makes no sense if swapping characters per paragraph which leads me to believe there's a missing paragraph break somewhere, but I can't figure out where. Which just kind of... ruins the rest for me.
The ending almost works in some ways and falls short in others. Carapace's reaction doesn't seem appropriate, though. And it seems pretty foolish to just burst out, regardless of which side you assumed won the original skirmish. Not to mention if they've been underground that long, how did they not once decide to check on what's been happening on the surface? Surely if they were secreted away, they should be able to slightly move a door or manhole cover or whatever it was they're hiding in.
I dunno. The whole thing's pretty unbelievable to me. I think you could probably shape this into something that works, but it'll take a fair bit of effort.
Verdict: Weak.
This particular characterization of Blueblood isn't one I've ever seen before, but I liked it. I also really liked the insistence of calling Cornerstone "Trusty Butler." I laughed at the name at first "wait, someone is actually named that?" And laughed again when I realized that, no, it was just Blueblood being an unsympathetic ass.
That being said, this isn't a story. As CM and FoME said, it's a trailer. An amusing one, but really just a trailer. I'd like to see where this goes, though, so hopefully you'll deliver.
I don't think I actually have any other complaints. I quite enjoyed this.
Verdict: Amusing, but needs several more chapters.
That being said, this isn't a story. As CM and FoME said, it's a trailer. An amusing one, but really just a trailer. I'd like to see where this goes, though, so hopefully you'll deliver.
I don't think I actually have any other complaints. I quite enjoyed this.
Verdict: Amusing, but needs several more chapters.
Sorry, this one's pretty boring to me. With one exception: I like the idea of "wild" and "tame" clouds.
Other than that... this is just a paint by numbers story. Nothing exciting at all. No twists or turns. And the characters aren't unique enough to be interesting at all.
Maybe I could like this story if I knew who the characters were. Familiar scenarios with familiar characters who've not handled it can be fun, after all. But as these are OCs (apparently OCs from a previous story, but nonetheless OCs), it's hard to get that connection.
There's nothing wrong with it, it's just there's nothing excellent enough about it to be interesting in any way.
Verdict: Dull.
Other than that... this is just a paint by numbers story. Nothing exciting at all. No twists or turns. And the characters aren't unique enough to be interesting at all.
Maybe I could like this story if I knew who the characters were. Familiar scenarios with familiar characters who've not handled it can be fun, after all. But as these are OCs (apparently OCs from a previous story, but nonetheless OCs), it's hard to get that connection.
There's nothing wrong with it, it's just there's nothing excellent enough about it to be interesting in any way.
Verdict: Dull.
Paging WIP