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It was a lovely, sunny day in Ponyville, and Twilight was extremely, incredibly bored. The sheer fact that the most interesting thing about her day was the weather certainly underlined just how uneventful things were. She actually would have welcomed a monster attack or friendship problem, but when she mentioned that to Spike, he gave her a worried look and mumbled something about a want-it-need-it spell. Thankfully, that’s when her doorbell rung. But instead of a pony, what she found waiting outside was a package. A plain brown package, with no name or address, and no sign of the deliveryman. Twilight knew then that she was going solve the mystery of this package, no matter what.
Ponies stared at her package she ran through Canterlot. The added weight made movement awkward and clumsy, and Twilight was constantly distracted by the thought of releasing its contents. She knew that it was just the addictive lure of dopamine between her neurons, anticipating a reward... but that didn't make it any easier for her to resist her curiosity. Protected by only a thin outer layer, her package might react explosively to the touch of her hooves, much less enveloping it in her magic. It would ruin everything if she spilled its secret now. She thrust into the castle's throne room, penetrating past the flank of the royal guards, and boldly stuck the package in Princess Luna's face. "Please, Princess Luna, I need you to take me to the moon, right now," said Twilight.
"The moon? At this time of month?" The princess seemed perplexed. "Twilight, thou of all ponies should know that a new moon means it's simply not there at all."
"Of course I know that. That's something every schoolfilly learns in basic astronomy lessons," Twilight lied. Whatever was going on here went all the way to the top, and now was not the time to tip her hoof early. "And while I'd love to talk about this more, I just remembered that, uh-- Mayor Mare needed me to sign off on some zoning paperwork!" Twilight gave a nervous and very convincing grin. "Very important paperwork, how terribly unlike me to have forgotten this deadline. I really have to be going!" Spreading her wings, she took off at top speed without sparing a glance at the results of her deception.
There's only one mare I can trust to help me solve this mystery, Twilight thought as she flew, and I know just where to find her.
It was night when Twilight Sparkle landed outside of the Temple of… something. She had found the note in Daring Do’s cottage, and even though her hoofwriting was terrible, Twilight only knew of one nearby temple full of traps and snakes and treasures. Sure enough, there were signs that someone had recently arrived. Poison darts lying around the hallways, a giant boulder already crashed through one set of walls, the usual. It was simple for Twilight to make her way to the vault at the very center, though who she found there left her speechless.
Sitting on a ruby-incrusted throne and chewing on a cinnamon stick, Twist shot the princess a devilish smirk. “Well, the falth god finally thows. Are you ready for war? Or are you ath much of a coward ath your prethiouth Princeth Thelethtia?”
Twilight took a deep breath as the monstrosity that was once Twist―now Princess Twist, Alicorn of Abandonment―addressed her. "Twist," she said, "this isn't you. You're corrupted by the Alicorn Amulet." Twilight pointed at her. "I need you to take that off so that things can go back to normal."
"Oh, no, absolutely not," Starlight replied as she sauntered ever closer. "After all, it just has you paralyzed oh so, so very well, doesn't it? You can hardly move a muscle!" Twilight ground her teeth, and whispered, "You planned for this from the beginning, didn't you?" "I knew the moment I took your hoof we would end up here," Starlight chuckled, "And now, Princess Twilight Sparkle, I have you just where I want you. Don't bother trying to scream. Or do. It doesn't matter. Nopony will hear.” One last smile. Starlight had won. Twilight...was hers. Helplessly, utterly, completely...hers.
“And now… what’s in this package.” Starlight’s magic reacted with the box causing it to collapse inwards.
Everything disappeared, first Twilight and Starlight, then Princess Twist. The last words the universe heard were “Oh <explative that’s funny because lisp>”
[b]( Author's Note: In case it's not obvious, Twist is included for anagnorisis.)
Ponies stared at her package she ran through Canterlot. The added weight made movement awkward and clumsy, and Twilight was constantly distracted by the thought of releasing its contents. She knew that it was just the addictive lure of dopamine between her neurons, anticipating a reward... but that didn't make it any easier for her to resist her curiosity. Protected by only a thin outer layer, her package might react explosively to the touch of her hooves, much less enveloping it in her magic. It would ruin everything if she spilled its secret now. She thrust into the castle's throne room, penetrating past the flank of the royal guards, and boldly stuck the package in Princess Luna's face. "Please, Princess Luna, I need you to take me to the moon, right now," said Twilight.
"The moon? At this time of month?" The princess seemed perplexed. "Twilight, thou of all ponies should know that a new moon means it's simply not there at all."
"Of course I know that. That's something every schoolfilly learns in basic astronomy lessons," Twilight lied. Whatever was going on here went all the way to the top, and now was not the time to tip her hoof early. "And while I'd love to talk about this more, I just remembered that, uh-- Mayor Mare needed me to sign off on some zoning paperwork!" Twilight gave a nervous and very convincing grin. "Very important paperwork, how terribly unlike me to have forgotten this deadline. I really have to be going!" Spreading her wings, she took off at top speed without sparing a glance at the results of her deception.
There's only one mare I can trust to help me solve this mystery, Twilight thought as she flew, and I know just where to find her.
It was night when Twilight Sparkle landed outside of the Temple of… something. She had found the note in Daring Do’s cottage, and even though her hoofwriting was terrible, Twilight only knew of one nearby temple full of traps and snakes and treasures. Sure enough, there were signs that someone had recently arrived. Poison darts lying around the hallways, a giant boulder already crashed through one set of walls, the usual. It was simple for Twilight to make her way to the vault at the very center, though who she found there left her speechless.
Sitting on a ruby-incrusted throne and chewing on a cinnamon stick, Twist shot the princess a devilish smirk. “Well, the falth god finally thows. Are you ready for war? Or are you ath much of a coward ath your prethiouth Princeth Thelethtia?”
Twilight took a deep breath as the monstrosity that was once Twist―now Princess Twist, Alicorn of Abandonment―addressed her. "Twist," she said, "this isn't you. You're corrupted by the Alicorn Amulet." Twilight pointed at her. "I need you to take that off so that things can go back to normal."
"Oh, no, absolutely not," Starlight replied as she sauntered ever closer. "After all, it just has you paralyzed oh so, so very well, doesn't it? You can hardly move a muscle!" Twilight ground her teeth, and whispered, "You planned for this from the beginning, didn't you?" "I knew the moment I took your hoof we would end up here," Starlight chuckled, "And now, Princess Twilight Sparkle, I have you just where I want you. Don't bother trying to scream. Or do. It doesn't matter. Nopony will hear.” One last smile. Starlight had won. Twilight...was hers. Helplessly, utterly, completely...hers.
“And now… what’s in this package.” Starlight’s magic reacted with the box causing it to collapse inwards.
Everything disappeared, first Twilight and Starlight, then Princess Twist. The last words the universe heard were “Oh <explative that’s funny because lisp>”
[b]( Author's Note: In case it's not obvious, Twist is included for anagnorisis.)
Is that a joke entry? That definitely sounds like a joke entry, I'm pretty sure since my humor sense is tingling. But it's not vibrating, because I don't get the payoff.
I started to cringe at the beginning, seeing all the signs of a heavy beginner writer, but I then realised there were too many of them, and that it was too much, even for a beginner.
The end is just a big question mark. What does "explative" mean? Why using the concept of anagnorisis? Why, why,Lisa, why? My head is hurting, I need a painkiller.
3.14 stars
I started to cringe at the beginning, seeing all the signs of a heavy beginner writer, but I then realised there were too many of them, and that it was too much, even for a beginner.
The end is just a big question mark. What does "explative" mean? Why using the concept of anagnorisis? Why, why,
3.14 stars
Man, two weird entries in one competition? I knew I shouldn’t have linked to r/FifthWorldProblems in chat!
Seriously, though, this is one of those anti-joke kind of things, where it is funny by not being funny. But it all seems so very arbitrary, it doesn’t really come together at all, not even as an anti-joke. Starlight showing up randomly, along with Princess Twist, was just… too much random.
Seriously, though, this is one of those anti-joke kind of things, where it is funny by not being funny. But it all seems so very arbitrary, it doesn’t really come together at all, not even as an anti-joke. Starlight showing up randomly, along with Princess Twist, was just… too much random.
I'm only at the title, but I can't NOT hear the opening "Ya. Da da da. Da da da. Da da dada da da." of the P1K song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOz_o6q-Zu4 Hoping this doesn't disappoint.
Nevermind... just an amateurish attempt at sexual double entendres, followed by an anti-climax (Ha! See, I can do it too!)
So, in fairness, not completely amateurish, but still not funny, at least to me.
Nevermind... just an amateurish attempt at sexual double entendres, followed by an anti-climax (Ha! See, I can do it too!)
So, in fairness, not completely amateurish, but still not funny, at least to me.
There's an error early on that I commonly see, which is using "that's" in a past-tense narration. It only stands for "that is" or "that has," not "that was."
I've said this about several stories lately (quite possibly in this write-off), but it's hard to write someone being bored. The tendency is to make the narration sound bland to create that mood in the reader, but (surprise, surprise), this tends to bore the reader. You've actually done very well with that. The narration is spirited and interesting to read, and this is (almost) always the better way to handle bored character.
Moving on.
Now I'm hitting a few pretty obvious editing errors.
Okay, we're getting into a lot of eye-rolling innuendo. That's going to be a niche audience, like back in my "fibrous nuggets" days. If you just want to get a laugh, fine, but these aren't the kinds of stories that do well in voting.
And I don't understand what happened. Suddenly Starlight's there, and I don't know why. Did she give the amulet to Twist? Was Starlight whom Twilight was trying to find? These answers and more, on the next episode of random humor.
I've said this about several stories lately (quite possibly in this write-off), but it's hard to write someone being bored. The tendency is to make the narration sound bland to create that mood in the reader, but (surprise, surprise), this tends to bore the reader. You've actually done very well with that. The narration is spirited and interesting to read, and this is (almost) always the better way to handle bored character.
Moving on.
Now I'm hitting a few pretty obvious editing errors.
Okay, we're getting into a lot of eye-rolling innuendo. That's going to be a niche audience, like back in my "fibrous nuggets" days. If you just want to get a laugh, fine, but these aren't the kinds of stories that do well in voting.
And I don't understand what happened. Suddenly Starlight's there, and I don't know why. Did she give the amulet to Twist? Was Starlight whom Twilight was trying to find? These answers and more, on the next episode of random humor.
So...... about 10 different people wrote this story. I will leave the exact authors ambiguous for those who may or may not want to claim appropriate responsibility and/or condemnation.
It began with the idea of doing an exquisite corpse, which in this case meant each author only got the first sentence of the previous paragraph. Then, along the way we broke every rule, basically. I ended up writing 2 sections in confusion whether we were going to do a 2nd round with the original 4 people or bring new people in. One author wrote 2 paragraphs instead of 1, kind of. Once I gave someone two sentences because I was worried it wouldn't work otherwise. And one final author saw the entire thing and had to try and wrap it up in ~36 words. And then a different person gave us the title, based on the closing line to an alternate director's cut ending that wasn't even used.
For a disaster, I feel like this is surprisingly legible.
It began with the idea of doing an exquisite corpse, which in this case meant each author only got the first sentence of the previous paragraph. Then, along the way we broke every rule, basically. I ended up writing 2 sections in confusion whether we were going to do a 2nd round with the original 4 people or bring new people in. One author wrote 2 paragraphs instead of 1, kind of. Once I gave someone two sentences because I was worried it wouldn't work otherwise. And one final author saw the entire thing and had to try and wrap it up in ~36 words. And then a different person gave us the title, based on the closing line to an alternate director's cut ending that wasn't even used.
For a disaster, I feel like this is surprisingly legible.
>>sharpspark
I wrote the 2nd paragraph, and I'm proud of it. I was hoping to derail the entire story with bad humor right from the start. It kinda backfired when the rest of the story made too much sense.
I wrote the 2nd paragraph, and I'm proud of it. I was hoping to derail the entire story with bad humor right from the start. It kinda backfired when the rest of the story made too much sense.
>>sharpspark
I wrote paragraph three, which surprisingly didn't wind up being the shortest paragraph. I am mildly disappointed while simultaneously greatly pleased that absolutely nothing came of it.
The goal there was mostly just to give the next person in line something pretty out there to work with.
I wrote paragraph three, which surprisingly didn't wind up being the shortest paragraph. I am mildly disappointed while simultaneously greatly pleased that absolutely nothing came of it.
The goal there was mostly just to give the next person in line something pretty out there to work with.
