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RogerDodger
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How to Save the World: A Home Owner's Guide
Allow us to be the first to congratulate you on purchasing your very own Salvhouse Mk III. We believe you will be pleased in just how useful and convenient it will be in your attempts to save the world. We understand that time is likely precious due to the impending cataclysmic event you no doubt purchased the Salvhouse Mk III to help prevent. But should time permit it, we highly recommend you take a moment to familiarize yourself with this pamphlet to better understand how your Salvhouse Mk III can assist you.
Should the world not be in imminent danger, we still recommend that you look over this pamphlet. Just in case.
Your Salvhouse Mk III comes with the following rooms for your world saving needs:
5 bedrooms
1 meeting room
1 kitchen
1 weapons locker
1 portal room
1 basement with one-way gateway to hell
3 bathrooms
We recommend you start of by gathering your allies and beginning your preparations in the meeting room. It houses a state of the art hologram projecting table to help devise a plan, a digital library to research virtually any topic you can imagine, various monitoring devices to locate the specific location of the world ending threat, communications systems to stay in touch with an away team, soundproof and magic proof walls for your privacy, and luxurious chairs so that you and your allies can plan the fate of the world in comfort.
Once you have determined the best course of action to take, we recommend visiting the kitchen. Not only will you find that is it fully furnished with the best of cooking utensils, it is also stocked to the brim with the finest ingredients money can buy. Feel free to go all out as we cannot stress enough the importance of a balanced meal before embarking to prevent the planet’s total annihilation.
While you are there, do not forget to check out the fridge! It is stocked with a vide variety of potions that can assist you in your exploits. You will find potions that bolster physical strength, change the drinker’s gender temporarily or permanently, return the dead back to life, allow one to see colours outside the visible spectrum, and many more.
Now that you and your allies are properly fed, you may want to check out the weapons locker. It has a vast selection of both mundane and magical armaments to best accommodate your world saving needs. As several weapons housed here require the highest clearance to even know about, you may not be familiar with everything. But worry not! Included in the purchase of your Salvhouse Mk III are several licenses to carry even the most deadly of these weapons until such a time as the world crisis event has been resolved.
Having finished all other preparations for your fateful mission, it is time to visit the portal room. Provided you know the three dimensional coordinates, you can use it to transport you and your allies virtually anywhere on the planet, so long as the destination is not magically shielded. The portal allows for transportation both ways, so whichever member of your group stays behind will be able to easily recall your troops after a successful mission.
In case the world ending threat is not located on Earth, but is in fact demonic, we have arranged an agreement with the archdemon K’vthrop to install a gateway to Hell in your basement. Should you use it, we recommend you bring a blood sacrifice to thank her for her generosity. If you do not, she may consider you to be the sacrifice, so we strongly encourage you not forget. And do not worry about K’vthrop using it to establish a foothold on the mortal realms. Due to the gateway’s one-way nature, you can rest assured knowing that no demonic forces will ever be able to cross through it.
Should you need to use this gateway, we advise that you and your allies be fully prepared before stepping through it. Hell is a harsh and unforgiving place, and you will not be able to return the way you came. However, we have full confidence that you will succeed and hope for your safe return.
Thank you once again for your purchase. We wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. And remember that should you ever need similar products in the future, purchasing this house entitles you to 10% off of all future purchases for the remainder of your life.
Should the world not be in imminent danger, we still recommend that you look over this pamphlet. Just in case.
Your Salvhouse Mk III comes with the following rooms for your world saving needs:
5 bedrooms
1 meeting room
1 kitchen
1 weapons locker
1 portal room
1 basement with one-way gateway to hell
3 bathrooms
We recommend you start of by gathering your allies and beginning your preparations in the meeting room. It houses a state of the art hologram projecting table to help devise a plan, a digital library to research virtually any topic you can imagine, various monitoring devices to locate the specific location of the world ending threat, communications systems to stay in touch with an away team, soundproof and magic proof walls for your privacy, and luxurious chairs so that you and your allies can plan the fate of the world in comfort.
Once you have determined the best course of action to take, we recommend visiting the kitchen. Not only will you find that is it fully furnished with the best of cooking utensils, it is also stocked to the brim with the finest ingredients money can buy. Feel free to go all out as we cannot stress enough the importance of a balanced meal before embarking to prevent the planet’s total annihilation.
While you are there, do not forget to check out the fridge! It is stocked with a vide variety of potions that can assist you in your exploits. You will find potions that bolster physical strength, change the drinker’s gender temporarily or permanently, return the dead back to life, allow one to see colours outside the visible spectrum, and many more.
Now that you and your allies are properly fed, you may want to check out the weapons locker. It has a vast selection of both mundane and magical armaments to best accommodate your world saving needs. As several weapons housed here require the highest clearance to even know about, you may not be familiar with everything. But worry not! Included in the purchase of your Salvhouse Mk III are several licenses to carry even the most deadly of these weapons until such a time as the world crisis event has been resolved.
Having finished all other preparations for your fateful mission, it is time to visit the portal room. Provided you know the three dimensional coordinates, you can use it to transport you and your allies virtually anywhere on the planet, so long as the destination is not magically shielded. The portal allows for transportation both ways, so whichever member of your group stays behind will be able to easily recall your troops after a successful mission.
In case the world ending threat is not located on Earth, but is in fact demonic, we have arranged an agreement with the archdemon K’vthrop to install a gateway to Hell in your basement. Should you use it, we recommend you bring a blood sacrifice to thank her for her generosity. If you do not, she may consider you to be the sacrifice, so we strongly encourage you not forget. And do not worry about K’vthrop using it to establish a foothold on the mortal realms. Due to the gateway’s one-way nature, you can rest assured knowing that no demonic forces will ever be able to cross through it.
Should you need to use this gateway, we advise that you and your allies be fully prepared before stepping through it. Hell is a harsh and unforgiving place, and you will not be able to return the way you came. However, we have full confidence that you will succeed and hope for your safe return.
Thank you once again for your purchase. We wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. And remember that should you ever need similar products in the future, purchasing this house entitles you to 10% off of all future purchases for the remainder of your life.