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Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):
Applejack: 4
Rainbow: 3
Pinkie: 2
Twilight: 1
Rarity: 1
Sunset: 1
(I don't care if AJ, Rarity, and Dash were barely in this, it still counts)
Not gonna lie, I got the joke pretty early. So the impact at the end was basically minimal. But it was still fairly enjoyable.
That being said, I think it's a tad too long. And also I think Sweetie is a fair bit out of character, but the CMC are hard to write, I find, and it was still enjoyable.
But yeah, girls. Say good bye to your free time.
(And poor Scoots! Not only is she going to get chewed out by Rainbow, but probably also by her biological relatives. Ouch.)
Applejack: 4
Rainbow: 3
Pinkie: 2
Twilight: 1
Rarity: 1
Sunset: 1
(I don't care if AJ, Rarity, and Dash were barely in this, it still counts)
Not gonna lie, I got the joke pretty early. So the impact at the end was basically minimal. But it was still fairly enjoyable.
That being said, I think it's a tad too long. And also I think Sweetie is a fair bit out of character, but the CMC are hard to write, I find, and it was still enjoyable.
But yeah, girls. Say good bye to your free time.
(And poor Scoots! Not only is she going to get chewed out by Rainbow, but probably also by her biological relatives. Ouch.)
Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):
Applejack: 5
Rainbow: 4
Pinkie: 3
Twilight: 2
Rarity: 2
Fluttershy: 1
Sunset: 1
Kinda feels like cheating, since they were all in it, but we finally have all 6 Mane 6.Plus Sunset. Only missing Glimmer now and we'll have all 8 Mane Six.
You know, I'm so used to my initial slate being full of stories I don't like, i'm not sure how to handle my first slate being full of stories I -do- like.
Who are all you people, and what did you do with the actual Write Off?
Erm, sorry. Let's actually get to the review.
So, I actually really liked this (duh). But then, I've kind of always been on Pinkie's side of this particular argument. Funerals do not need to be gloomy. And if the deceased in question actually asks for it not to be... well, what better way to respect them than to follow their last request, hrm?
This is not to say that you shouldn't mourn. Far from it. And if you feel that this particular atmosphere doesn't work for you, well, that's okay too. But I think Pinkie's basically always had a valid stance.
Anyway, back to the story. So I'm not sure you actually needed to have everyone have a line here. I don't think it hurt either, mind, but it kinda feels like padding. Just have the ponies who needed to say something, say something. It's perfectly okay for characters to be present but silent.
Also, ungh, AJ's line. I'm not quite sure she wouldn't say it, but I really, really disagree with it. Bleh.
On a final note... The last sentence is perfect.
Verdict: Very solid.
Applejack: 5
Rainbow: 4
Pinkie: 3
Twilight: 2
Rarity: 2
Fluttershy: 1
Sunset: 1
Kinda feels like cheating, since they were all in it, but we finally have all 6 Mane 6.Plus Sunset. Only missing Glimmer now and we'll have all 8 Mane Six.
You know, I'm so used to my initial slate being full of stories I don't like, i'm not sure how to handle my first slate being full of stories I -do- like.
Who are all you people, and what did you do with the actual Write Off?
Erm, sorry. Let's actually get to the review.
So, I actually really liked this (duh). But then, I've kind of always been on Pinkie's side of this particular argument. Funerals do not need to be gloomy. And if the deceased in question actually asks for it not to be... well, what better way to respect them than to follow their last request, hrm?
This is not to say that you shouldn't mourn. Far from it. And if you feel that this particular atmosphere doesn't work for you, well, that's okay too. But I think Pinkie's basically always had a valid stance.
Anyway, back to the story. So I'm not sure you actually needed to have everyone have a line here. I don't think it hurt either, mind, but it kinda feels like padding. Just have the ponies who needed to say something, say something. It's perfectly okay for characters to be present but silent.
Also, ungh, AJ's line. I'm not quite sure she wouldn't say it, but I really, really disagree with it. Bleh.
On a final note... The last sentence is perfect.
Verdict: Very solid.
It's sort of interesting how Ahuizotl is the ceaselessly quixotic one, because villains tend not to have that sort of personality. But I think this premise would have been better served with both characters hamming it up to kingdom come.
Trying to fit all the dumb prompt memes in, eh?
Beautiful.
This was quite silly, but I think it kind of tangled its feet up in itself as it went on. It started out seeming like it was about humans, and then turned into Gamer Luna and Discord, and that was rather jarring. Moreover, while I appreciate the lengths it went to to be, uh, memetastic, it didn’t actually end up being as funny as I was hoping – it was very scattered, and consequently, it felt kind of hit-and-miss as it kept trying to one-up itself and sometimes it just felt like it was referencing memes rather than trying to use them in a funny way.
"No, no," you say, cracking your knuckles and sitting down at your keyboard. "You don't understand. Cream, as they say, isn't the only thing that floats to the top."
Beautiful.
This was quite silly, but I think it kind of tangled its feet up in itself as it went on. It started out seeming like it was about humans, and then turned into Gamer Luna and Discord, and that was rather jarring. Moreover, while I appreciate the lengths it went to to be, uh, memetastic, it didn’t actually end up being as funny as I was hoping – it was very scattered, and consequently, it felt kind of hit-and-miss as it kept trying to one-up itself and sometimes it just felt like it was referencing memes rather than trying to use them in a funny way.
I didn't mind the script format here. It was actually kinda interesting to see that presentation, and I felt like it was generally strong as a piece that sets up a massive conspiracy.
The only missing element is, why? What was the purpose of the conspiracy? We get hints about waning power, but nothing concrete enough to justify the very long-term setup required by the conspiracy.
Also some typos and stuff, but not enough to be a problem.
The only missing element is, why? What was the purpose of the conspiracy? We get hints about waning power, but nothing concrete enough to justify the very long-term setup required by the conspiracy.
Also some typos and stuff, but not enough to be a problem.
The real person part is tacky and unflattering, and the Pinkie part is cloying and preachy. This story is in all kinds of bad taste.
Daaang.
I liked this one. :)
I'm not sure how far in the future this is that they're able to genetically engineer ponies. And actually being able toraise the sun move the earth seems a bit of a stretch technologically. But I'm willing to suspend disbelief for a fun little exploration of possible accidental apocalypses.
I liked this one. :)
I'm not sure how far in the future this is that they're able to genetically engineer ponies. And actually being able to
Two meta titles in a row?
I think the real problem here is that you should have not gone the drugs route and just had her talk to Pinkie Pie in the mirror, as the sweetness of the story and the uh, questionableness of the drug trip didn’t really mix well here. There are ways of doing this well – Burning Man Brony is an amazing story – but this story didn’t really handle it as well, and felt much too sentimental for the drugs and mirror-punching.
I think the real problem here is that you should have not gone the drugs route and just had her talk to Pinkie Pie in the mirror, as the sweetness of the story and the uh, questionableness of the drug trip didn’t really mix well here. There are ways of doing this well – Burning Man Brony is an amazing story – but this story didn’t really handle it as well, and felt much too sentimental for the drugs and mirror-punching.
Wow, this is fun. The pacing is blistering fast, which is perfect for Discord doing things.
Rarity gets impaled by a drainpipe and, given that she’s not drowning in her own blood, comes to ask Twilight about what magical experiments, exactly, she’s been running on her.
Turns out that Twilight is a bit worried about that whole immortality thing and has been turning her friends into liches without their permission. You know, drawing souls out of their bodies, feeding them bits of her own soul to sustain them…
You know what they say, right? A little bit of soul can put things right.
This story was cute and amusing, but the Pinkie bit really made it at the end, along with Rarity's abrupt change of heart. I liked this on the whole, as it did a pretty good job of covering the arc while staying within the word budget.
Also, I think your "Pinkie crystal" should have been "pink crystal". Yes, it was for Pinkie, but a "Pinkie crystal" isn't a thing the audience is going to understand at that point in the story.
Turns out that Twilight is a bit worried about that whole immortality thing and has been turning her friends into liches without their permission. You know, drawing souls out of their bodies, feeding them bits of her own soul to sustain them…
You know what they say, right? A little bit of soul can put things right.
This story was cute and amusing, but the Pinkie bit really made it at the end, along with Rarity's abrupt change of heart. I liked this on the whole, as it did a pretty good job of covering the arc while staying within the word budget.
Also, I think your "Pinkie crystal" should have been "pink crystal". Yes, it was for Pinkie, but a "Pinkie crystal" isn't a thing the audience is going to understand at that point in the story.
This story's ending is a completely foregone conclusion. It spends a lot of time heavily implying that Fluttershy's mother is verbally abusive and doesn't approve of whatever Fluttershy's decided to do, then sends Fluttershy off into the lion's den. What happens after the scene cut? Exactly what you'd expect. Fluttershy comes home and she's a wreck. There's no surprise at all.
(Aside: when writing ponies, you might find it interesting to use "nag" instead of "bitch." It's ponytastic and family friendly! That's just my opinion, though.)
(Aside: when writing ponies, you might find it interesting to use "nag" instead of "bitch." It's ponytastic and family friendly! That's just my opinion, though.)
I like this a lot, mainly because of Diamond Tiara's characterization.
See, Diamond Tiara's first instinct is to go straight for her typical self-aggrandizing facade, and she writes some corny tripe because of it. But, really, she's better than that these days, because there are ponies she cares about, and ponies that she knows care about her. And when she realizes that, she's a lot more sincere with her words.
It's not exactly common to see any sort of character development in a minific, because there just isn't any room. But this one pulls it off.
See, Diamond Tiara's first instinct is to go straight for her typical self-aggrandizing facade, and she writes some corny tripe because of it. But, really, she's better than that these days, because there are ponies she cares about, and ponies that she knows care about her. And when she realizes that, she's a lot more sincere with her words.
It's not exactly common to see any sort of character development in a minific, because there just isn't any room. But this one pulls it off.
There's a bit too much tonal juxtaposition going on here for me to quite get into. The decision to make it real people is a turn-off for me.
However, if I set those choices aside, I can appreciate the writing, which is sound. The part where Pinkie first appears is strong, and the glass-breaking part is kinda almost touching and makes sense... sort of, in a weird way.
Really, as I sit here thinking about it, the whole thing hangs together better than I would have expected for what it is. The main writing-related nit I can pick is Pinkie's sorta-preachiness, which TD noted.
However, if I set those choices aside, I can appreciate the writing, which is sound. The part where Pinkie first appears is strong, and the glass-breaking part is kinda almost touching and makes sense... sort of, in a weird way.
Really, as I sit here thinking about it, the whole thing hangs together better than I would have expected for what it is. The main writing-related nit I can pick is Pinkie's sorta-preachiness, which TD noted.
Bon Bond really is a secret agent pony. Who uses a swarm of changelings she freed from Chrysalis to help maintain her cover.
One of them has died, and she takes Lyra to the funeral, revealing just what has been going on, and the ultimate sacrifice made by Number Eight.
She really loved her.
Admittedly I’m a sucker for stuff like this, but I liked this story on the whole. Though I’m not quite sure if I believe that one is really a pony.
Anyway, this worked well and was quite succinct, and did a good job of covering the arc in a very tight space. It really exploited our fan knowledge to get there without being a bit ridiculous – combining two fanons into one – but it managed to work without coming off as comedic due to its odd premise.
PS. I appreciate the Bond allusion in the title.
One of them has died, and she takes Lyra to the funeral, revealing just what has been going on, and the ultimate sacrifice made by Number Eight.
She really loved her.
Admittedly I’m a sucker for stuff like this, but I liked this story on the whole. Though I’m not quite sure if I believe that one is really a pony.
Anyway, this worked well and was quite succinct, and did a good job of covering the arc in a very tight space. It really exploited our fan knowledge to get there without being a bit ridiculous – combining two fanons into one – but it managed to work without coming off as comedic due to its odd premise.
PS. I appreciate the Bond allusion in the title.
Aww. AWW. Do you hear me, author?! AWW, I say!
I came expecting--hoping--for a James Bond reference, and I ended up getting punched in the feels by a well-written story.
I can't really offer more meaningful feedback than that.
I came expecting--hoping--for a James Bond reference, and I ended up getting punched in the feels by a well-written story.
I can't really offer more meaningful feedback than that.
>>wYvern
>>Bugle
>>Cold in Gardez
Hmm. Actually Bugle's makes more sense. I forgot that in Magical Mystery Cure, Twilight's transformation took place outside of the library. That means this has to be a use of Rainbow Power outside of canon.
Author, I think this needs more elucidation. You can't reference something that didn't happen in the show without filling in more blanks than this.
>>Bugle
>>Cold in Gardez
Hmm. Actually Bugle's makes more sense. I forgot that in Magical Mystery Cure, Twilight's transformation took place outside of the library. That means this has to be a use of Rainbow Power outside of canon.
Author, I think this needs more elucidation. You can't reference something that didn't happen in the show without filling in more blanks than this.
First, the bad: this was telly enough to overplay the emotional connection I came to feel with our hero. His circumstances weren't sold in quite such a way as to explain what he did and didn't like about his life; just that his dreams didn't match his reality.
Now, the good: despite being primarily a character study toward the middle, there was great descriptive language toward the beginning, and a powerful sting right at the end. Honestly I was starting to lose interest before that sting, but it helped leave a strong impression.
...my review doesn't sound as positive as I mean it to be. I liked this a lot.
Now, the good: despite being primarily a character study toward the middle, there was great descriptive language toward the beginning, and a powerful sting right at the end. Honestly I was starting to lose interest before that sting, but it helped leave a strong impression.
...my review doesn't sound as positive as I mean it to be. I liked this a lot.
I like the whole fake-music-review thing. It's an unconventional choice that isn't painfully obtrusive or gimmicky. And it's surprisingly deep. The review alludes to many different stories and uses the album to tie them all together. This feels like an artifact straight from the living, breathing world of Equestria.
I don't think you gain anything by not revealing which alicorn you're talking about at the beginning of the story, especially since Twilight's voice doesn't sound in character—she comes off as a stilted, oblivious version of Celestia.
If you say something like "knife, note, rumors", your audience will assume they're supposed to figure out what you're talking about. This compounds the problem of the story not having a resolution, because we're left wondering what clues we missed. I think the story you want to tell is less cryptic than you're trying to paint.
That sounds like a contradiction. A spot of light isn't a source.
If you say something like "knife, note, rumors", your audience will assume they're supposed to figure out what you're talking about. This compounds the problem of the story not having a resolution, because we're left wondering what clues we missed. I think the story you want to tell is less cryptic than you're trying to paint.
the single spot of light by which the rest of the room was dimly illuminated
That sounds like a contradiction. A spot of light isn't a source.
This is alternately lush with descriptions, and a bit fraught with distracting typos and uncertain dialogue attributions. I felt tears starting to form until the scene break happened, but the much more matter-of-fact presentation of the final scene blunted some of that raw sadness.
Author, you're killing me here. I'm not sure if what happened was an intentional swerve, or if I just can't puzzle out who's saying what. The good parts here are exceedingly strong, though, and I think this will clean up well.
Author, you're killing me here. I'm not sure if what happened was an intentional swerve, or if I just can't puzzle out who's saying what. The good parts here are exceedingly strong, though, and I think this will clean up well.
I loved it, but the ending fell flat. I think I would actually prefer the story if it had ended prior to the spectre's introduction. Forget about the spectre and Pinkie, show us more about what Twilight is feeling. Show us the spirit of celebration as it heals her. Show us that Pinkie knows what she's doing, and that it works.
Diamond Tiara is upset about the idea of thinking about her funeral and her own death. Her mother makes things worse. Her dad makes them better.
I really would have liked to see more out of Filthy Rich here; he didn’t really get enough space to properly pull the story in his direction, as the story seemed to more gesture vaguely in that direction rather than actually pull it together as well as I would have liked from such an emotional climax.
A good idea, but it needs more meat on its bones.
I really would have liked to see more out of Filthy Rich here; he didn’t really get enough space to properly pull the story in his direction, as the story seemed to more gesture vaguely in that direction rather than actually pull it together as well as I would have liked from such an emotional climax.
A good idea, but it needs more meat on its bones.
I figured out pretty much straightaway that it was Pinkie Pie’s funeral, but I didn’t see the twist coming.
The twist was pretty great, but I feel like it didn’t quite deliver as well as it should have; the thaumababble here was very awkwardly inserted and felt out of place for the tone of the story, and really should probably be excised from the final version. Likewise, it is Hearth’s Warming, not Heartwarming.
It was a cute story, though I think I do agree with the fact that Twilight is mentioned a few times and it might make sense for there to be more focus there. Is there some implied Twinkie here, and the party is in part meant to get Twilight over her? That might make that bit stronger, and could give more of an emotional focus on top of the comedy, and make it more sweet. Or you could just go on with the silliness.
The twist was pretty great, but I feel like it didn’t quite deliver as well as it should have; the thaumababble here was very awkwardly inserted and felt out of place for the tone of the story, and really should probably be excised from the final version. Likewise, it is Hearth’s Warming, not Heartwarming.
It was a cute story, though I think I do agree with the fact that Twilight is mentioned a few times and it might make sense for there to be more focus there. Is there some implied Twinkie here, and the party is in part meant to get Twilight over her? That might make that bit stronger, and could give more of an emotional focus on top of the comedy, and make it more sweet. Or you could just go on with the silliness.
That brought Sunset’s interest back around.
Show us, don't tell us! Shooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow! Push yourself to find errors like these and paint them with Sunset's actions rather than telling us in the vulgar.
I'm confused about what the colors represent, so they became a distraction.
Some of the patter is heavy-handed, this first sentence being the worst offender. But overall, this works well.
The story here is too legendary for me to need to repeat it, but for those fillies and colts out there who've been living under a rock, I'll sum it up.
Some of the patter is heavy-handed, this first sentence being the worst offender. But overall, this works well.
Quick gripe: I despise "Anon". It's unoriginal, and incredibly stupid. If you're going to do a serious second-person fic, don't use a stale 4chan meme to do it. Just do a second-person fic. Your 4chan tie-in dropped this story by several slots, even though I understand the fanfic meta you're aiming at in the twist.
That said, this is a great story. I thought you were overpersonalizing the reader until the twist at the end, so I would actually push a little further in that direction: describe the reader's life in more detail to make it clear that the reader is more than an "anypony" passive participant. I think some ponies will be unclear about the ending because you don't push it hard enough.
It would help considerably if the development of the second-person character became increasingly clearly part of Pinkie's fantasy. You could really make this story shine, but it needs a little work.
That said, this is a great story. I thought you were overpersonalizing the reader until the twist at the end, so I would actually push a little further in that direction: describe the reader's life in more detail to make it clear that the reader is more than an "anypony" passive participant. I think some ponies will be unclear about the ending because you don't push it hard enough.
It would help considerably if the development of the second-person character became increasingly clearly part of Pinkie's fantasy. You could really make this story shine, but it needs a little work.
>>Soaring
I think the author went for the idiom instead of a literal interpretation of the prompt. I've made a habit out of looking up the prompts since, as a non-native, I keep missing these things, and several dictionaries say that "It's your funeral" is a phrase with the figurative meaning "If you do that, you alone will have to face the dire consequences," which, although Rainbow tried to save her from that, is exactly what Fluttershy did. The title "By Herself" also relates to that, I think. It's actually a pretty clever prompt use.
That aside, my main complaint with the story is characterization. Not only does Fluttershy face certain and futile conflict, a thing I just can't see her do since she's shied away even from necessary conflict before, but she also has an abusive mother... that just feels way, way off to me since it clashes with Fluttershy's character. I certainly don't think Fluttershy's relationship with her parents has been healthy, but verbal abuse just doesn't fit. I can't dig up psychological papers to prove my point though, that's just my opinion.
Another complaint is the off-screen development, but I guess that was necessary to fit both start and finish of the story into a minific. As it stands, it's a tragic tale with a missing middle part.
I think the author went for the idiom instead of a literal interpretation of the prompt. I've made a habit out of looking up the prompts since, as a non-native, I keep missing these things, and several dictionaries say that "It's your funeral" is a phrase with the figurative meaning "If you do that, you alone will have to face the dire consequences," which, although Rainbow tried to save her from that, is exactly what Fluttershy did. The title "By Herself" also relates to that, I think. It's actually a pretty clever prompt use.
That aside, my main complaint with the story is characterization. Not only does Fluttershy face certain and futile conflict, a thing I just can't see her do since she's shied away even from necessary conflict before, but she also has an abusive mother... that just feels way, way off to me since it clashes with Fluttershy's character. I certainly don't think Fluttershy's relationship with her parents has been healthy, but verbal abuse just doesn't fit. I can't dig up psychological papers to prove my point though, that's just my opinion.
Another complaint is the off-screen development, but I guess that was necessary to fit both start and finish of the story into a minific. As it stands, it's a tragic tale with a missing middle part.
The prompt drop at the end ruined the story! You had already lampshaded that part.
Writing meta about the contest you're in is always dangerous and cliche terrain. You should have spent more time on making it look like you didn't spend enough time on your story.
Writing meta about the contest you're in is always dangerous and cliche terrain. You should have spent more time on making it look like you didn't spend enough time on your story.
I actually stopped reading this halfway through. You spent more time on it than Rainbow Dash 15 Minutes Whatever, but what you added only makes it that much more annoying to read.
This is marginally cute, but intolerable. I'm sorry.
This is marginally cute, but intolerable. I'm sorry.
With enough alcohol she might even silence the memories looping in her head.
This is pure tell, and the story is filled with it. Don't tell us things like this, show us. The story is fine, but the way it is told needs fixing. Push yourself to avoid telling the reader things directly, and find another way.
I don't like the exact use of the prompt drop, but it's more appropriate here than in any of the other stories I've seen it in so far so I won't push on that.
Wow, so much activity so fast! :)
Looking at the gallery page though, it's almost odd to see such a disparity in the comment counts. Two stories still have 0, while one has 9 already. (and the next closest is only at 4)
Is there usually this much disparity in the review counts, or is it just made more "glaring" in minific rounds?
/not griping, just genuinely curious :)
Looking at the gallery page though, it's almost odd to see such a disparity in the comment counts. Two stories still have 0, while one has 9 already. (and the next closest is only at 4)
Is there usually this much disparity in the review counts, or is it just made more "glaring" in minific rounds?
/not griping, just genuinely curious :)
What this story teaches me is how to use that 3rd person Present Tense. The way the ship is described makes it feel like it's all in deep slow motion, distant and objective. We can see it all vividly, but it's so far away and huge with its own inertia, we are powerless to do anything about it. Very interesting effect.
However, it carries over to Twilight's inner conflict as well, and for me the story feels like it's working against itself. There's nothing wrong with the writing quality itself, it packs in a lot of imagery, but I think my instinct is expecting a contrast of tones here. Twilight's perspective is about memories and emotions. Subjective and weightless, fast-forwarding through all her experiences looking for a solution. All the opposite sensations of what I described above on how the Present Tense was working for me.
We're watching the airship together with Twilight... not watching Twilight watch an airship. I think that's how I would craft this same story, from the way I'm understanding it.
However, it carries over to Twilight's inner conflict as well, and for me the story feels like it's working against itself. There's nothing wrong with the writing quality itself, it packs in a lot of imagery, but I think my instinct is expecting a contrast of tones here. Twilight's perspective is about memories and emotions. Subjective and weightless, fast-forwarding through all her experiences looking for a solution. All the opposite sensations of what I described above on how the Present Tense was working for me.
We're watching the airship together with Twilight... not watching Twilight watch an airship. I think that's how I would craft this same story, from the way I'm understanding it.
I'm left wondering who those ponies were, not to mention why they bothered with a shallow ruse when they planned to destroy the tree by force. The ruse didn't make any sense and we never figured out what was going on. I'm also not sure why the tree is an eyesore: it sounded pretty. Also, how could it be special or have pink leaves when it's just a regular apple tree?
You've got Lavender Unicorn Syndrome pretty bad at the start: "the white bunny" becomes "the fluffy individual" becomes "Angel Bunny" becomes "the ball of white fur" becomes "the bunny". Similarly, there's no need to refer to Fluttershy as "the yellow pegasus" unless it's adding something.
Fluttershy doesn't fly in public, especially not when speaking to other ponies. Her legs should be on the ground.
I don't think you mean "had", because the apples are still on the tree. Try "were hanging".
You've got Lavender Unicorn Syndrome pretty bad at the start: "the white bunny" becomes "the fluffy individual" becomes "Angel Bunny" becomes "the ball of white fur" becomes "the bunny". Similarly, there's no need to refer to Fluttershy as "the yellow pegasus" unless it's adding something.
Fluttershy doesn't fly in public, especially not when speaking to other ponies. Her legs should be on the ground.
Leaves of pink and velvet surrounded the apples that had hung from the branches.
I don't think you mean "had", because the apples are still on the tree. Try "were hanging".
I like this. I like this a lot. You perfectly captured the solemn nature of the event and the weight of each action. Despite its natural slowness, I never found myself bored. I think the traditions that you put forth here would live extremely well in canon, were we to ever see such an event. I think the emotional pacing of this piece is where it really shines.
Non-spoilery conclusion: Top Contender
Wonderful implementation of the bait and switch. I'm quite accustomed to the switch being incredibly abrupt, instantaneously changing the entire meaning of the feel of the story. Here, I was treated to a quiet somberness that tempered the switch such that I only felt mild confusion as to whose funeral we truly were attending. It slowly became a rise of something akin to what Pinkie must have been feeling before reaching a triumphant plateau of realization that this is a story about how the Pies celebrate a coming of age.
The idea that they would have a funeral for their given name and choose a name for themselves is wonderful in my opinion. It also adds to the idea of Pinkie being the odd one for not following the rest of the family's naming convention of picking rock related names (though there might be a bit of a hole with Maud's name unless I'm missing a pun). The addition of Maurina Alice as Marble Pie helps serve as a hint to what's going on and adds an additional layer of consistency to the premise.
A job well done in my opinion!
Non-spoilery conclusion: Top Contender
Wonderful implementation of the bait and switch. I'm quite accustomed to the switch being incredibly abrupt, instantaneously changing the entire meaning of the feel of the story. Here, I was treated to a quiet somberness that tempered the switch such that I only felt mild confusion as to whose funeral we truly were attending. It slowly became a rise of something akin to what Pinkie must have been feeling before reaching a triumphant plateau of realization that this is a story about how the Pies celebrate a coming of age.
The idea that they would have a funeral for their given name and choose a name for themselves is wonderful in my opinion. It also adds to the idea of Pinkie being the odd one for not following the rest of the family's naming convention of picking rock related names (though there might be a bit of a hole with Maud's name unless I'm missing a pun). The addition of Maurina Alice as Marble Pie helps serve as a hint to what's going on and adds an additional layer of consistency to the premise.
A job well done in my opinion!
I admit it, I laughed. Celestia seems a bit off-mark, but Luna is spot-on.
I partially agree with >>FanOfMostEverything about the need to justify why Celestia can't just up and take a vacation, but I don't agree that it's a contradiction. Celestia says her subjects will believe anything, she doesn't say they'll allow her to do anything. "Trappings of the crown" is a staple trope in both fanfiction and extended canon, if not actual canon. I think a sentence or two would suffice to give it credence.
I partially agree with >>FanOfMostEverything about the need to justify why Celestia can't just up and take a vacation, but I don't agree that it's a contradiction. Celestia says her subjects will believe anything, she doesn't say they'll allow her to do anything. "Trappings of the crown" is a staple trope in both fanfiction and extended canon, if not actual canon. I think a sentence or two would suffice to give it credence.
I feel it would be much better if this ended with Twilight still thinking about what to do. That will leave the reader wondering, which is where you want to leave them. The current ending is slightly too abrupt and doesn't give us insight into Twilight's thought process. The story you want to tell bears weight, and it's challenging to pull off well in 750 words.
Odd. The reply button for post #337 is not showing for me (also missing on #302). Roger, may need to investigate when you get a chance. Not game breaking, just annoying. Attempting manual override:
>>GrandMoffPony
Funny you should say that just as I was opening tabs for commenting/reviewing those exact stories for that exact reason. You can expect at least some disparity. Depending on the reader, they may or may not leave a comment/review immediately and the review slates may just have fallen that the overactive users happened to get the same stories.
Some stories may either merit deeper discussion or future reviewers find items worth commenting on in other people's reviews. This can lead to conversations that may or may not artificially bloat a story's exposure. I'd say it's natural, but much easier to see on this forum rather than the old spreadsheet that only tracked reviews.
That said, there's some dedicated and awesome people out there that tend to intentionally leave some form of review on stories with less activity, especially when it's pointed out. Granted, that doesn't always happen on the first day of reviewing, but it tends to happen. This group seems to be very serious about getting at least some sort of feedback to every story out there.
>>GrandMoffPony
Funny you should say that just as I was opening tabs for commenting/reviewing those exact stories for that exact reason. You can expect at least some disparity. Depending on the reader, they may or may not leave a comment/review immediately and the review slates may just have fallen that the overactive users happened to get the same stories.
Some stories may either merit deeper discussion or future reviewers find items worth commenting on in other people's reviews. This can lead to conversations that may or may not artificially bloat a story's exposure. I'd say it's natural, but much easier to see on this forum rather than the old spreadsheet that only tracked reviews.
That said, there's some dedicated and awesome people out there that tend to intentionally leave some form of review on stories with less activity, especially when it's pointed out. Granted, that doesn't always happen on the first day of reviewing, but it tends to happen. This group seems to be very serious about getting at least some sort of feedback to every story out there.
>>RampantArcana
Yep, understood. And you're right. The format here does bring that out in the open more than the spreadsheet did. :)
Yep, understood. And you're right. The format here does bring that out in the open more than the spreadsheet did. :)
I'm done with about half the stories now.
Who else wants their story reviewed? Just say so, don't be shy! ;V
(wait no fishpony don't DQ yourself again plz)
Who else wants their story reviewed? Just say so, don't be shy! ;V
(wait no fishpony don't DQ yourself again plz)
I think I find this mildly enjoyable, and I am struggling to explain why it doesn't go further than that. It's a well written scene, it expands on the canon just enough to add a tiny bit of depth, and the characters are well written. I think that its failing for me is that though the scene adds depth, it's not enough depth or transformative enough to cause me to truly care about it. Not sure if that's just me or if I'm not the ideal audience. I may revisit this to expand a bit more on my thoughts.
Conclusion: Upper middle road due to good writing.
Conclusion: Upper middle road due to good writing.
>>Trick_Question
This is all your fault, Trick. You wrote Faster Than Starlight, and then Zaponator wrote Blink, and then I wrote Dying to Get There, and here we are!
More seriously, WRT: this story: I think that the core idea here is actually fine (and amusing given the running gag of lethal teleportation) but I was kind of disappointed that the story didn't really do much of anything with the whole "Twilight died" thing, which seemed to be the central point of the story. It needed meat. Why was it significant? Or was it not significant? DID Twilight actually die, and the new Twilight is just a replica? Or is she the original Twilight, just with a new body?
THESE ARE QUESTIONS I WANT ANSWERS TO DAMN IT.
Instead, the story just kind of shrugs vaguely at it, instead of actually addressing the philisophical issue at all, and it doesn't just play it for straight-up laughs, either, which makes me think it wanted to be serious.
If it was supposed to be a comedy, make it funnier. If it was supposed to be serious, think about why it matters (or doesn't matter) to the characters and put that into the story.
This is all your fault, Trick. You wrote Faster Than Starlight, and then Zaponator wrote Blink, and then I wrote Dying to Get There, and here we are!
More seriously, WRT: this story: I think that the core idea here is actually fine (and amusing given the running gag of lethal teleportation) but I was kind of disappointed that the story didn't really do much of anything with the whole "Twilight died" thing, which seemed to be the central point of the story. It needed meat. Why was it significant? Or was it not significant? DID Twilight actually die, and the new Twilight is just a replica? Or is she the original Twilight, just with a new body?
THESE ARE QUESTIONS I WANT ANSWERS TO DAMN IT.
Instead, the story just kind of shrugs vaguely at it, instead of actually addressing the philisophical issue at all, and it doesn't just play it for straight-up laughs, either, which makes me think it wanted to be serious.
If it was supposed to be a comedy, make it funnier. If it was supposed to be serious, think about why it matters (or doesn't matter) to the characters and put that into the story.
Celestia fakes her death to get a vacation.
Luna has fun with the funeral.
The first portion of this was kind of tepid, but the buildup to the reveal was pretty amusing. Still, this was a very one-punch story, and while the windup was necessary, I’m not quite sure if the payoff (and the use of the word “ass”) really worked for it.
The final line was pretty great though.
Luna has fun with the funeral.
The first portion of this was kind of tepid, but the buildup to the reveal was pretty amusing. Still, this was a very one-punch story, and while the windup was necessary, I’m not quite sure if the payoff (and the use of the word “ass”) really worked for it.
The final line was pretty great though.
Having fun with the prompts there?
This is a fake review of an album by DJ-Pon3, but it is also a story, as the reviewer – in the future, past the end of the show – is trying to suss out what exactly was going on, and speculates about some behind the scene stuff. I was surprised by the pairing of Vinyl with Trixie, but the conclusion, with the note about the cellos, actually drew this together nicely and made it work better as a piece, I think.
On the whole, I think this worked well as what it was, but I think that trying to be cute about highlighting the use of prompts was a mistake.
This is a fake review of an album by DJ-Pon3, but it is also a story, as the reviewer – in the future, past the end of the show – is trying to suss out what exactly was going on, and speculates about some behind the scene stuff. I was surprised by the pairing of Vinyl with Trixie, but the conclusion, with the note about the cellos, actually drew this together nicely and made it work better as a piece, I think.
On the whole, I think this worked well as what it was, but I think that trying to be cute about highlighting the use of prompts was a mistake.
I’m pretty sure this is a shipfic – Fluttershy is confessing to her mom that she’s gay and in a relationship with Rainbow Dash (hence why Rainbow Dash’s dad spoke to her), but she wants to tell her face-to-face, in person.
I actually thought this was okay, but it was too short, and I think it left out the actual thing that Fluttershy was going to confront her mother about for no good reason. Why? If it is a shipfic, there’s no reason to hide it. If it is something else, there’s no reason to hide that, either. The core of the story gains a lot more strength if we understand just what it is that Fluttershy was up to. As-is, it is missing that extra oomph.
I actually thought this was okay, but it was too short, and I think it left out the actual thing that Fluttershy was going to confront her mother about for no good reason. Why? If it is a shipfic, there’s no reason to hide it. If it is something else, there’s no reason to hide that, either. The core of the story gains a lot more strength if we understand just what it is that Fluttershy was up to. As-is, it is missing that extra oomph.
Daring Do and Ahuizotl are trapped in a collapsing temple and play Go Fish.
I think that if this was meant to be funny, it should have started with them trying to figure out some way to escape, and then at the end, after the whole “it cannot end without some epic finale”, blah blah, cut to them playing Go Fish.
If it wasn’t, I’m not quite sure what the point was.
I think that if this was meant to be funny, it should have started with them trying to figure out some way to escape, and then at the end, after the whole “it cannot end without some epic finale”, blah blah, cut to them playing Go Fish.
If it wasn’t, I’m not quite sure what the point was.
Sunset Shimmer blows her lid with SciTwi. Equestria Girls Rainbow Dash cools her down.
This was actually a pretty good little character piece, giving Equestria Girls Rainbow Dash some character background which is believable, as well as a reason why she might take to Sunset Shimmer. I liked this on the whole; it may have been a simple little scene, but it did what it was trying to do.
This was actually a pretty good little character piece, giving Equestria Girls Rainbow Dash some character background which is believable, as well as a reason why she might take to Sunset Shimmer. I liked this on the whole; it may have been a simple little scene, but it did what it was trying to do.
While I get the allusion to the Giving Tree, I’m not really sure what the motive of the ponies involved is in trying to cut it down; it just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and the story, thus, feels like it is without real context.
The start also is quite awkward; “the white bunny” and “the yellow pegasus” are pointless LUS’s when they could just use the characters’ names. There’s no reason to describe them as the white bunny and the yellow pegasus here.
The start also is quite awkward; “the white bunny” and “the yellow pegasus” are pointless LUS’s when they could just use the characters’ names. There’s no reason to describe them as the white bunny and the yellow pegasus here.
Daring Do’s assistant sets off a trap. Daring Do has to help him disarm it, or else they’ll both die.
I thought this was a nice little vignette, but as >>Trick_Question noted, the ending felt significant, but we’re left without understanding what the significance is. Is she stuck now, or is her assistant going to come back with that sand?
I thought this was a nice little vignette, but as >>Trick_Question noted, the ending felt significant, but we’re left without understanding what the significance is. Is she stuck now, or is her assistant going to come back with that sand?
I just wanted to comment that while this is creating cross-talk about the stories, it seems to have eliminated a lot of what I'd call "community cross-talk" so far; the new format encourages people to focus in on the stories rather than on the thread, which is good for discussing the stories, but bad for anything else, really.
I liked this, and it's well-written, but in the end it does lack focus on what it wants to say: we already know that Daring is brave, and a good pony, so her doing this for another leaves me with a good feeling but it isn't a revelation about her character. That last line is good, and ties it all pretty solidly to the prompt, but that's also not enough.
Some minor irks:
Technically, it should be "to not panic."
On a smooth, milled surface I could probably see a 1/100" difference (max) in good light, possibly even smaller, but I am skeptical that anyone could see down to that degree of size under the conditions they were in. I know you were using "hair's width" for dramatic effect, but it irked me and brought me out of the story. With sensitive enough touch and an abrupt enough edge, though, you could probably feel it - like with a pegasus' feather?
Some minor irks:
the only rule, was not to panic
Technically, it should be "to not panic."
no more than the width of a hair
On a smooth, milled surface I could probably see a 1/100" difference (max) in good light, possibly even smaller, but I am skeptical that anyone could see down to that degree of size under the conditions they were in. I know you were using "hair's width" for dramatic effect, but it irked me and brought me out of the story. With sensitive enough touch and an abrupt enough edge, though, you could probably feel it - like with a pegasus' feather?
Twilight’s friends discuss how they’d like their funerals to go at Twilight’s funeral.
Unfortunately, like Trick Question, I totally saw the twist coming from the very beginning; the irony was palpable. I think a better description of what was going on at the end (to reinforce the wrongness) – and more misdirection at the start (to make the end more jarring) – would make this story punchier.
Unfortunately, like Trick Question, I totally saw the twist coming from the very beginning; the irony was palpable. I think a better description of what was going on at the end (to reinforce the wrongness) – and more misdirection at the start (to make the end more jarring) – would make this story punchier.
>>Trick_Question
Have you ever read Nonpareil?
ANYWAY
Actually on topic for this story:
Flim and Flam have gone into the undertaker racket – and make no mistake, the funeral business is the perfect place for shysters taking advantage of the vulnerable. In fact, that’s basically what the entire industry is.
Dirty business.
This was a bit of black comedy, both with the hazelnut jam and the eventual fate of the brothers, along with the note about the maggots indicating they’re still up to their old tricks.
I was mildly amused by this, but it never really went beyond that for me. Not bad, but not exceptional.
Have you ever read Nonpareil?
ANYWAY
Actually on topic for this story:
Flim and Flam have gone into the undertaker racket – and make no mistake, the funeral business is the perfect place for shysters taking advantage of the vulnerable. In fact, that’s basically what the entire industry is.
Dirty business.
This was a bit of black comedy, both with the hazelnut jam and the eventual fate of the brothers, along with the note about the maggots indicating they’re still up to their old tricks.
I was mildly amused by this, but it never really went beyond that for me. Not bad, but not exceptional.
A small part of Rainbow Dash has died forever, and the Mane Six hold a funeral for it.
This made me laugh. And not just because I’m a filthy RariJack shipper. Rainbow Dash making a scene over this was rather hilarious, and poor Applejack and Rarity having to sit through it was fun.
That said, I think this could be a lot funnier than it was. Rarity didn’t really do much here, and Rainbow Dash’s description/complaint/question could have been funnier than it was; while it was somewhat amusing, I think it was like, a 6/10, when it could have been a 10/10 and left me howling on the floor.
This made me laugh. And not just because I’m a filthy RariJack shipper. Rainbow Dash making a scene over this was rather hilarious, and poor Applejack and Rarity having to sit through it was fun.
That said, I think this could be a lot funnier than it was. Rarity didn’t really do much here, and Rainbow Dash’s description/complaint/question could have been funnier than it was; while it was somewhat amusing, I think it was like, a 6/10, when it could have been a 10/10 and left me howling on the floor.
Trixie’s funeral turns into serial ridiculousness after her body is found unresponsive in an alleyway 20 years after the last time anypony saw her.
This is just escalading ridiculousness, but unfortunately, I didn’t quite feel like I got a good grip on the slope anywhere, so while it kept rolling upwards, I felt like I was left back where I started. I think that it needed to be more grabbing at the start, and the twists and turns a bit more strongly executed, a bit more gripping, to really pull the audience along; as it is, it feels like it kind of lost me, and felt like a sequence of ridiculous events rather than the escalating comedy it was going for.
This is just escalading ridiculousness, but unfortunately, I didn’t quite feel like I got a good grip on the slope anywhere, so while it kept rolling upwards, I felt like I was left back where I started. I think that it needed to be more grabbing at the start, and the twists and turns a bit more strongly executed, a bit more gripping, to really pull the audience along; as it is, it feels like it kind of lost me, and felt like a sequence of ridiculous events rather than the escalating comedy it was going for.
Gilda, after the events of Griffon the Brushoff, picks the wrong boulder to sulk on.
Honestly, this felt a little bit pointless; while it was a confrontation between two characters, I just didn’t really get a whole lot out of it, and the final bit – about passion – didn’t really feel like it linked up so much with what we saw out of Gilda later on, in the Griffonstone episode.
I dunno. This just didn't really touch me.
Honestly, this felt a little bit pointless; while it was a confrontation between two characters, I just didn’t really get a whole lot out of it, and the final bit – about passion – didn’t really feel like it linked up so much with what we saw out of Gilda later on, in the Griffonstone episode.
I dunno. This just didn't really touch me.
Spitfire and Fleetfoot go to the funeral of Soarin’s uncle to pay their respects – or really, to support Soarin.
But Fleetfoot doesn’t care.
Neither does Soarin.
I thought this was an interesting story, but I agree with >>Trick_Question that having the story more forcefully deliver this – and not outright stating the moral – would have made the story much stronger. It is a good core, but the final line really is a criminal example of “telling the audience the plot”.
But Fleetfoot doesn’t care.
Neither does Soarin.
I thought this was an interesting story, but I agree with >>Trick_Question that having the story more forcefully deliver this – and not outright stating the moral – would have made the story much stronger. It is a good core, but the final line really is a criminal example of “telling the audience the plot”.
Well, I’m a bit sorry but I found this one rather bland. Well, actually not bland, but not sufficiently original enough to catch my attention. It reads fairly smoothly, but I really failed to get involved emotionally with the characters, so I was left out-of-touch and uncaring. It’s not bad, but it’s not pony-centric (I mean, this could happen IRL) and the slight veneer of pathos didn’t really do much for me. To use another metaphor, I felt was you can feel when you walk by a church while the funeral of someone you don’t know takes place: you feel slightly touched, but that’s about all.
Sorry if I sound tone-deaf here.
Sorry if I sound tone-deaf here.
Wow. The first description was pretty nice but heavy-handed. Both pleasant in a very short space, and I really hate Despite this fact which sounds awkward to me. Why not though, like in: …for two ponies to spread out, though the earth pony and unicorn mares… It makes the sentence a bit of a run-on, but I think it still sounds better than ‘Despite…’
‘Turn out’ should be ‘turnout’, as far as I know. Some typos here and there, such as: “I thought I knew what I as getting into”.
So this is loaded with cuteness, but I fail to see exactly what it is about. It's a fake burial with everyone attending being in on it? It’s a nice slice of life, but it’s fairly fluffy at then end. Nothing much happens, and I agree with the other commenters here that you should give us more details about what's happening rather than wasting words explaining us things we should already know about special agent SD.
Reads like a good soufflé.
‘Turn out’ should be ‘turnout’, as far as I know. Some typos here and there, such as: “I thought I knew what I as getting into”.
So this is loaded with cuteness, but I fail to see exactly what it is about. It's a fake burial with everyone attending being in on it? It’s a nice slice of life, but it’s fairly fluffy at then end. Nothing much happens, and I agree with the other commenters here that you should give us more details about what's happening rather than wasting words explaining us things we should already know about special agent SD.
Reads like a good soufflé.
While I agree with TD that the title was a good one, I was not that impressed by the story. The idea of changelings filling in for BonBon while she's away on mission to keep the pretence up is fine, but that doesn’t explain why there are so many of them: one would’ve been sufficient. As such, though I see what you’re aiming for, it seems you deliberately amped up the plot to get a more dramatic effect, but in the end you’re somehow hoist by your own petard: it feels artificial.
Beyond this, there’s nothing significant I can offer you: I think the core concept is fair, though it’s not really the first time I encounter this sort of plot, but the way you developed it let me somewhat down.
Beyond this, there’s nothing significant I can offer you: I think the core concept is fair, though it’s not really the first time I encounter this sort of plot, but the way you developed it let me somewhat down.
I see. A lovely tradition well presented. Plenty of hints, too, from Marble’s name to passing from one life to another. Thank you for this.
I wish this had sold me a little more on the futility of even trying to escape. However, I'm going to dwell less on what the story could have done than what it did.
This was very atmospheric in its depiction of the characters' circumstances. The moment where the deck of cards was described felt tangible, and the back and forth of the game itself was used well in moving the story along. I also liked it that the antagonist called our hero out on her lack of fire.
The ending worked for me as both clever and a bit humorous.
This was very atmospheric in its depiction of the characters' circumstances. The moment where the deck of cards was described felt tangible, and the back and forth of the game itself was used well in moving the story along. I also liked it that the antagonist called our hero out on her lack of fire.
The ending worked for me as both clever and a bit humorous.
Hmm. That sandwich could actually work with a little balsamic vinegar… though I’m not sure why those first few lines are even there.
In any case, this is an interesting premise, but it really suffers from the word limit. It barely has room to even introduce its ideas, much less do something with them. It tries to end on a cliffhanger, but there’s just too little of it to actually make up a cliff. Plus, neither the title nor the prompt seem to fit the story. I do look forward to seeing this expanded. As I said, very interesting ideas. But for now, this just doesn’t go anywhere.
In any case, this is an interesting premise, but it really suffers from the word limit. It barely has room to even introduce its ideas, much less do something with them. It tries to end on a cliffhanger, but there’s just too little of it to actually make up a cliff. Plus, neither the title nor the prompt seem to fit the story. I do look forward to seeing this expanded. As I said, very interesting ideas. But for now, this just doesn’t go anywhere.
There are a few iffy word choices here and there, like a questionable use of “detest.” As for the story itself, it was amusing, but it didn’t really go anywhere. The characters are fun and the eldritch heirloom amuses me, but there’s no clear point to the proceedings, especially since Blueblood never comes to a decision with his plans. Also, while it isn't necessary for the story, it would be nice to know how the prince faked his death. In all, this is the start of something promising, but only the start.
There's a neat concept of the power of observation at work here. The writing is very high quality as well. My biggest gripe is that without seeing what happens next, we don't really have a story; just the setup for one. I'd like to see this expanded, because right now the lack of completeness drags this lower on my slate than it would otherwise deserve.
Well, this is a sweet little slice of life, though as TD noted, it does elide over some rather heavy subject matter. I can understand the characters not wanting to explore it in greater depth given the context, but expanding it to give the existential questions their due would be a good idea.
>>Trick_Question
I’m afraid you’re misremembering it. In "Magical Mystery Cure," Twilight and friends went into the library, she finished Starswirl’s last spell, and the Elements of Harmony fired friendship lasers at her (as seen here; note the shelves) until all that remained was a scorch mark in the shape of her cutie mark.
>>Trick_Question
I’m afraid you’re misremembering it. In "Magical Mystery Cure," Twilight and friends went into the library, she finished Starswirl’s last spell, and the Elements of Harmony fired friendship lasers at her (as seen here; note the shelves) until all that remained was a scorch mark in the shape of her cutie mark.
A few typos (like embed instead of ‘embedded’). I had a hard time with “I was playing with the clothesline with gummy and it popped clean of”: at first, I thought I was missing something. Then I finally reckoned the final ‘it’ refers to the leg, which is not really that obvious at first glance (straight-up I was wondering how a clothesline can pop clean). Two ‘particularly’ in a short space, also. And Pinikie with an extraneous ‘i’ that was fun.
This was a bit silly, the kind of absurd humour some might like. I am on the fence here. The idea was crazy and fun, but I am not sold on the way you exploited it. The Pinkie’s bit, which others happened to like, felt a downer to me. Although we’ve seen Pinkie doing fun things or getting herself into weird shapes, the idea of her leg just popping off as if she was a doll doesn’t really fit my headcanon. You’ve souped up the absurdity to the point it broke my immersion and I was like kicked out of the story. Also, I don’t really understand what justifies Rarity’s final U-turn.
This was a bit silly, the kind of absurd humour some might like. I am on the fence here. The idea was crazy and fun, but I am not sold on the way you exploited it. The Pinkie’s bit, which others happened to like, felt a downer to me. Although we’ve seen Pinkie doing fun things or getting herself into weird shapes, the idea of her leg just popping off as if she was a doll doesn’t really fit my headcanon. You’ve souped up the absurdity to the point it broke my immersion and I was like kicked out of the story. Also, I don’t really understand what justifies Rarity’s final U-turn.
I’m sorry, but I just can not get over the whole “raising the sun in the real world” thing. I know the physics too well. Heck, the lightspeed delay alone should’ve kept them from seeing it move in real time!
This is an interesting premise, but it’s just too implausible for me to accept, both the magic from science and that any one would be stupid enough to intentionally create Discord. The conundrum is well presented, but the circumstances are too much for my suspension of disbelief.
This is an interesting premise, but it’s just too implausible for me to accept, both the magic from science and that any one would be stupid enough to intentionally create Discord. The conundrum is well presented, but the circumstances are too much for my suspension of disbelief.
Aside from a hiccup in the Early Modern Equish ("I wouldst,") a nice read. If Celestia had been this frank and clear with Luna in canon, they might have sidestepped the whole Tantabus issue. Good work.
>>wYvern
The title’s meaning seems to be that which remains of Nightmare Moon, in terms of both the armor and what’s left of Luna as she tries to excise everything that reminds her of the Nightmare from her personality.
>>wYvern
The title’s meaning seems to be that which remains of Nightmare Moon, in terms of both the armor and what’s left of Luna as she tries to excise everything that reminds her of the Nightmare from her personality.
Pepper Ridge’s Farm. Well, at least it isn’t Butter Crockery, the heinous batterwitch.
In all… well, I’m not sure where you were going with this. The tone is all over the place. Expanding the story and giving the transitions enough room to avoid mood whiplash will probably help, but even then, the core premise doesn’t seem like much.
Anyways, I gotta tend the feels.”All them tragic death stories in this contest ain’t gonna harvest themselves.”
In all… well, I’m not sure where you were going with this. The tone is all over the place. Expanding the story and giving the transitions enough room to avoid mood whiplash will probably help, but even then, the core premise doesn’t seem like much.
Heh, subtle prompt drop. not bad.
Feels like a comedy, up until that last line (sorry to pile on that). And if I just ignore that closer, I think the story's pretty good. It's fizzling out at the end with Spitfire's exasperation, but I think this could branch out in a lot of different directions.
to clarify, I'm not criticizing it for being "chapter 1 of a longer story" because that doesn't seem like the intention.... I'm suggesting this has some interesting potential for becoming that. anything could happen now that the room's attention is on them. it's already a good hook and setting.
Feels like a comedy, up until that last line (sorry to pile on that). And if I just ignore that closer, I think the story's pretty good. It's fizzling out at the end with Spitfire's exasperation, but I think this could branch out in a lot of different directions.
to clarify, I'm not criticizing it for being "chapter 1 of a longer story" because that doesn't seem like the intention.... I'm suggesting this has some interesting potential for becoming that. anything could happen now that the room's attention is on them. it's already a good hook and setting.
Well. That’s my fifth story and I’m wondering if I don’t begin to really drift away from the show and become out-of-touch.
I feel I’ve already read that before. I wouldn’t say the concept is stale, but I’m really convinced I already stumbled on the same story or so. I’m not accusing you of cribbing, but it’s just to explain why I was let down whereas others might find the story fine.
There are some little bumps, like this sentence which dangles and is not attributed to anypony. And some ‘saidisms’: stated confidently. Why confidently? Fluttershy offered quietly. Same thing. Sounds weird.
I have not much to say on the story itself. Fairly linear and unsurprising, at least to me. Not bad, but lacks spice. Just a bonus for the pun in the title, which I suppose not many will get.
I feel I’ve already read that before. I wouldn’t say the concept is stale, but I’m really convinced I already stumbled on the same story or so. I’m not accusing you of cribbing, but it’s just to explain why I was let down whereas others might find the story fine.
There are some little bumps, like this sentence which dangles and is not attributed to anypony. And some ‘saidisms’: stated confidently. Why confidently? Fluttershy offered quietly. Same thing. Sounds weird.
I have not much to say on the story itself. Fairly linear and unsurprising, at least to me. Not bad, but lacks spice. Just a bonus for the pun in the title, which I suppose not many will get.
Magic leaking out and harming things… in a world explicitly permeated with magic. What?
This is way too narrative and expository for an entry in Twilight’s personal diary. She wouldn’t need to include all of the background information if she’s the only one reading it. Having Twilight mutter to herself as she performs the experiment will work a lot better. Also, you should really consider a different issue to explore, or at least explain this one more clearly. And why was the vital signs monitor showing any readings when it wasn’t hooked up to a living creature? Heck, why wouldn’t Twilight look up what it did before the experiment if she didn’t know?
This is way too narrative and expository for an entry in Twilight’s personal diary. She wouldn’t need to include all of the background information if she’s the only one reading it. Having Twilight mutter to herself as she performs the experiment will work a lot better. Also, you should really consider a different issue to explore, or at least explain this one more clearly. And why was the vital signs monitor showing any readings when it wasn’t hooked up to a living creature? Heck, why wouldn’t Twilight look up what it did before the experiment if she didn’t know?
Excellent pacing and tension, though the inventive vocabulary took a little getting used to. Aside from that minor quibble, fantastic work.
Uh… what? This really suffers from being dialogue only. The circumstances are bizarre, the dialogue sometimes drifts into nonsense, and the late inclusion of a third character—an OC I have no way of picturing, no less—makes the conversation much harder to follow. Furthermore, we have to take Luna’s kleptomania on faith, with no textual evidence beyond Celestia's word. Even if you did expand this, there just isn’t much to work with with this premise.
This was good, mostly sweet, and fairly complete as a story. Author, you write Pinkie well. Others have pointed out the few oddities and issues I would have.
Second person Anon. It really is your funeral, author.
Pinkie pretends she gives big welcome parties to all newcomers? What? On top of the front-loaded chunk of character exposition, this is really unwelcoming.
… What? The perspective shifts, Twilight has a love interest, and apparently Anon was Pinkie’s imaginary friend? I am speechless. All I can say is that this did not work for me in the least.
Pinkie pretends she gives big welcome parties to all newcomers? What? On top of the front-loaded chunk of character exposition, this is really unwelcoming.
… What? The perspective shifts, Twilight has a love interest, and apparently Anon was Pinkie’s imaginary friend? I am speechless. All I can say is that this did not work for me in the least.
I get it. It's a script, because the future events are all an elaborate performance.
.... But even their discussion of the plan is scripted itself. Who controls these puppets' strings?
Okay, enough of that. it's not much more than an idea. There's almost no conflict. Luna protests a little, but easily gives in. Nothing develops out of these revelations.
1/3 through the story, I already get the gist of the scheme. then I ask, "therefore....?"
"therefore, episode 1 happens."
"meh."
.... But even their discussion of the plan is scripted itself. Who controls these puppets' strings?
Okay, enough of that. it's not much more than an idea. There's almost no conflict. Luna protests a little, but easily gives in. Nothing develops out of these revelations.
1/3 through the story, I already get the gist of the scheme. then I ask, "therefore....?"
"therefore, episode 1 happens."
"meh."
A novel character interaction piece with a few unfortunate typos and dropped words. Not much to say beyond that. Playing up Gilda’s repressed regret or hostility towards Pies would help a lot. Apathy rarely makes for engrossing stories.
Vague pronoun references are a major issue here. When two people of the same gender interact, “he” and “she” aren’t enough to distinguish them, nor are line breaks. A character can take action over multiple paragraphs.
False arrests are a routine prank from the captain of the guard? That’s not funny, that’s a horrific lapse in professionalism. I’m amazed Ms. Harshwhinny didn’t descend from the heavens to deck that jerk.
Those issues aside, this does do a good job of building up tension. A shame it wastes it at the end. You can’t have a character dread something for the whole story only to brush it off at the end as though it didn’t matter. Yes, the consequences can be far less horrible than the character expected, but their expectations shouldn’t suddenly shift. Especially not when the actual force of the law is against him.
There is potential here, but it needs a lot of work. Also, the “Twas” in the title had me expecting Luna. Now I’m just wondering why it was there.
False arrests are a routine prank from the captain of the guard? That’s not funny, that’s a horrific lapse in professionalism. I’m amazed Ms. Harshwhinny didn’t descend from the heavens to deck that jerk.
Those issues aside, this does do a good job of building up tension. A shame it wastes it at the end. You can’t have a character dread something for the whole story only to brush it off at the end as though it didn’t matter. Yes, the consequences can be far less horrible than the character expected, but their expectations shouldn’t suddenly shift. Especially not when the actual force of the law is against him.
There is potential here, but it needs a lot of work. Also, the “Twas” in the title had me expecting Luna. Now I’m just wondering why it was there.
Thunderlane sits on a cloud and thinks. It’s certainly relatable, but like Thunderlane himself, underwhelming and ultimately forgettable. The tragic sting at the end is nice, but it’s too little too late. I’m not sure how to improve this without completely changing the core purpose.
This was quite nice. Good background for human Dash, good interaction with Sunset, enjoyable all around. My only complaint is that there are a few points where Dash doesn’t sound like herself. (I can’t see her saying “Think nothing of it,” for example.)
A very good premise somewhat marred by the word limit. This really needs more description. The slow reveal is good, but plopping us in headfirst with Dash’s line isn’t. There are also a few flubs like it not being clear who’s wearing the grey dress. Still, this should be an easy polish job.
Also, the ending blindsided me, especially given Applejack’s “twenty for eternity” line. Excellent work there.
Also, the ending blindsided me, especially given Applejack’s “twenty for eternity” line. Excellent work there.
Just to be clear, I'm preaching stuff I often get wrong myself.
The story in itself is quite relatable, it is something that most people may experience directly or vicariously. There is strength in that, something we can latch on. The problem is also that we need something a bit more powerful than what you give us here to be hooked. Probably some short look at how he came to abandon his dreams or how the responsibility for Rumble fell on his shoulders would give us something solid on which to base the rest of the story.
The ending is quite powerful in its simple way, but what comes before needs to be more solid.
The story in itself is quite relatable, it is something that most people may experience directly or vicariously. There is strength in that, something we can latch on. The problem is also that we need something a bit more powerful than what you give us here to be hooked. Probably some short look at how he came to abandon his dreams or how the responsibility for Rumble fell on his shoulders would give us something solid on which to base the rest of the story.
The ending is quite powerful in its simple way, but what comes before needs to be more solid.
Okay. I’m not sold by this one, but I haven’t been sold by any story I read so far, so don’t feel bad.
Your Twilight sounds really much more like a CMC doing some sort of silly experiment. The twist at the end is only suggested: what does really happen when she shouts Eureka? And then your needles stop, but where do they stop exactly? They zero?
All in all, too jejune for Twilight, and too unrealistic to really strike me.
Your Twilight sounds really much more like a CMC doing some sort of silly experiment. The twist at the end is only suggested: what does really happen when she shouts Eureka? And then your needles stop, but where do they stop exactly? They zero?
All in all, too jejune for Twilight, and too unrealistic to really strike me.
Hmmmm, this story left me a bit perplexed.
The feeling may be sweet even if a bit pedestrian. The choice of using real people on the other hand was, I think, a faux pas. My problem is that you can't really decouple the people from the story here, at least not without rewriting it pretty heavily.
That issues aside, the story was interesting in the way it was told, the knowledge that the characters perception was altered and yet the acceptance of what she saw gave it a distinctive atmosphere.
So there were a few good things and a couple of choices that weighted negatively on my opinion of this entry. I'll have to think a bit more about how I'll place it in my slate.
The feeling may be sweet even if a bit pedestrian. The choice of using real people on the other hand was, I think, a faux pas. My problem is that you can't really decouple the people from the story here, at least not without rewriting it pretty heavily.
That issues aside, the story was interesting in the way it was told, the knowledge that the characters perception was altered and yet the acceptance of what she saw gave it a distinctive atmosphere.
So there were a few good things and a couple of choices that weighted negatively on my opinion of this entry. I'll have to think a bit more about how I'll place it in my slate.
The concept here has strength, and the author's overall writing skills are evident, but the narrative is rough. It's like this doesn't quite manage to straddle the line between being a journal entry or a non-journal story, and consequently I don't know what to make of its presentation. I will give the author props for the humor at work here, though, including the revelation of what the fourth line is for.
I've had this talk with my friends, and the disagreement we had was centered about the kind of drinks that should be served, so morally I'm completely on Pinkie's side here.
Rainbow's attempt at a joke was awful, which is perfectly fine. Applejack's reaction on the other hand felt a bit off.
All in all a nice story.
Rainbow's attempt at a joke was awful, which is perfectly fine. Applejack's reaction on the other hand felt a bit off.
All in all a nice story.
This isn’t on my ballot yet; I’m just reading it out of morbid curiosity.
It’s not really second-person perspective when there’s an “I” character.
Huh. I didn’t know url tags worked in Writeoff entries.
In any case, I genuinely, unapologetically loved this. Plus, now I can spite the author by scoring it. This definitely isn’t for everyone, but it hit all the right notes for me.
It’s not really second-person perspective when there’s an “I” character.
Huh. I didn’t know url tags worked in Writeoff entries.
In any case, I genuinely, unapologetically loved this. Plus, now I can spite the author by scoring it. This definitely isn’t for everyone, but it hit all the right notes for me.
You like the expression What do you have in mind, don’t you :P
I think your PP and RD sound a bit too… formal? I mean, you could use more contractions to make both sound more colloquial.
But what’s worse to me, your PP turns out to be really unimaginative. I mean, it’s like she falls short of fancying something really special for Tank and just throws a standard, lackadaisical party. While the gist, the very shtick of Pinkie Pie is personalising her parties to the one she wants to celebrate. And well, I don’t get the final pun.
So, yeah, at the end, I’m not convinced. But take heart, I haven’t been since I started this round, so while this one unfortunately doesn’t buck the trend, it doesn’t mean it will end up very low on my slate.
I think your PP and RD sound a bit too… formal? I mean, you could use more contractions to make both sound more colloquial.
But what’s worse to me, your PP turns out to be really unimaginative. I mean, it’s like she falls short of fancying something really special for Tank and just throws a standard, lackadaisical party. While the gist, the very shtick of Pinkie Pie is personalising her parties to the one she wants to celebrate. And well, I don’t get the final pun.
So, yeah, at the end, I’m not convinced. But take heart, I haven’t been since I started this round, so while this one unfortunately doesn’t buck the trend, it doesn’t mean it will end up very low on my slate.
I’m not sure how to feel about Fluttershy thinking positively and pushing somepony out of her shell. It’s like a glimpse into Bizarro Equestria. Rarity drawing attention to it only makes it stranger.
Not identifying Rarity’s beloved was probably the right move. I’ve narrowed it down to a field of two, but it’s not important to the story.
The key problem here is that the most appropriate character for the encouraging role is Rarity herself. Fluttershy comes closest to the needed confident, encouraging, romantic figure, but it still feels disconcerting to have her be so utterly supportive. I’m really not sure how to resolve this one. Still, character issues aside, I did enjoy this.
Not identifying Rarity’s beloved was probably the right move. I’ve narrowed it down to a field of two, but it’s not important to the story.
The key problem here is that the most appropriate character for the encouraging role is Rarity herself. Fluttershy comes closest to the needed confident, encouraging, romantic figure, but it still feels disconcerting to have her be so utterly supportive. I’m really not sure how to resolve this one. Still, character issues aside, I did enjoy this.
Oof. And I mean that in a good way. As I’ve said in the past, the Flimflam brothers couldn’t make money if you gave them a mint. The SSCS6K represents an incredible revolution in Equestrian agriculture when it isn’t in the hooves of those two; it was only a matter of time before ponies recognized that.
I have only one complaint, but it’s a big one. This ends just as it’s getting good. Applejack just got smacked with an existential crisis. I really hope you expand this and explore that. There are still reams of drama left in this idea, and I look forward to seeing them.
I have only one complaint, but it’s a big one. This ends just as it’s getting good. Applejack just got smacked with an existential crisis. I really hope you expand this and explore that. There are still reams of drama left in this idea, and I look forward to seeing them.
This story surprised me and I like that. There's really not much to say aside from great job.
The last line was marvelous. Black humor at is finest.
The last line was marvelous. Black humor at is finest.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I'm convinced Fluttershy feels something for Rarity here, but her own nature and the knowledge that Rarity loves somepony else stops her from opening up. Which is the reason she encourages Rarity in her romantic endeavors.
I'm convinced Fluttershy feels something for Rarity here, but her own nature and the knowledge that Rarity loves somepony else stops her from opening up. Which is the reason she encourages Rarity in her romantic endeavors.