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Buried in the Sand
"And now, Daring Do," Ahuizotl bellowed, "in this—our final hour—I ask you...!
"...Do you have any three's?"
"Go fish."
Ahuizotl fell onto his haunches with a thud, causing the already drifting dust to scatter even more wildly. His tail-hand snaked over to the deck of cards resting between them and swiped away a card.
Daring Do gave her cards a disinterested glance. "Got any... nine's?"
"Go fish."
Daring plucked away a card and looked up at the sound of Ahuizotl's groan.
"Is this what we've been reduced to?" he asked. "Playing a child's game as a temple threatens to collapse upon us?"
The temple walls shook at his words as more dust and sand fell around them.
"It was your 'ingenious trap' that got us stuck in here," she reminded him, a hint of annoyance adding an edge to her voice. "Now the desert curse shall claim this temple, and us 'trespassers' along with it."
"Do you have any five's?"
She bitterly tossed him a card.
The temple shuddered as he set aside his newest pair. "Daring Do the Defeatist," he mused with a saw-toothed grin. "It has a certain ring to it."
Daring grit her teeth, but refused to rise to the bait. "Got any Jack's?"
"Go fish."
Daring drew her card and was able to make a pair with the eight she had been holding. A distant quake made sure they didn't forget their current situation.
"It always amuses me to see that look of defiance in your eyes," Ahuizotl said tauntingly, a deep chuckle rumbling through his chest. "Do you have any ten's, Daring Do?"
She narrowed her eyes at his condescending smile, but after taking a steadying breath, passed him the card.
"It doesn't matter what you say to me, Ahuizotl" she said, more calmly than before. "Nothing matters now."
Ahuizotl tilted his head. "This is quite unlike you. Where is that spirit—that fire that I have come to expect of you?"
"It's underneath a hundred acres of sand," she said sharply.
Ahuizotl rose to his feet. "I refuse to allow my nemesis to be defeated by anyone other than myself." He leaned over menacingly. "Not even by you."
Daring blinked in surprise.
"...Got any Queen's?" was all she could think to say.
Ahuizotl straightened up and tossed her the card with his tail, but carried on as if he hadn't been interrupted.
"I am the world's most feared treasure-hunter," he continued, "and you, the world's most renowned adventurer. Our rivalry is nothing short of legendary! Thanks, in no small part, to you," he reminded her.
Daring limply opened and closed her mouth.
"What're we supposed to do?" she asked when she could finally summon the words. "We're trapped down here—just you, me, and this deck of cards I carry for the long train rides."
"We must see this rivalry of ours to a spectacular end," he dramatically proclaimed. "We owe it to the world!"
Daring Do stared down at the old, faded cards in front of her, fully convinced she could feel the temple sinking into the desert even as they spoke.
"No one else will ever know what happened here..."
Ahuizotl threw his arms wide, bearing an enormous smile. "Then let us make it the greatest story never told!" He sat back down with another thud. "So, what say you, Daring Do?" Ahuizotl asked as he picked up his cards. "Do you have any two's?"
A competitive grin crept across her face.
"...Go fish."
The sand was pouring in through the cracks as the temple continued its descent.
"An hourglass metaphor would be appropriate right about now," Daring mused aloud, unable to restrain her authorial instincts.
"Do not deflect, Daring Do," Ahuizotl said. "Do you have an Ace or not?"
"Go fish."
Ahuizotl wasted no time in swiping away a card and managed to make a pair of six's.
"Got any... four's?" Daring smirked at his scowl as he begrudgingly relinquished the card.
"Enjoy the feeling of victory while you can, Daring Do," Ahuizotl snarled. "Do you have any seven's?"
"Do you have any King's...?"
The ceiling groaned beneath the weight of the desert above it, nearly drowning out the words. Daring Do held out the only card she still had, undoubtedly a match for the lone card Ahuizotl was holding. He swiped the card from her hoof, a greedy glint in his eyes.
The game was done.
"Yes!" Ahuizotl cried. "I have done it! I have finally defeated Daring Do—!"
The ceiling collapsed.
"...Do you have any three's?"
"Go fish."
Ahuizotl fell onto his haunches with a thud, causing the already drifting dust to scatter even more wildly. His tail-hand snaked over to the deck of cards resting between them and swiped away a card.
Daring Do gave her cards a disinterested glance. "Got any... nine's?"
"Go fish."
Daring plucked away a card and looked up at the sound of Ahuizotl's groan.
"Is this what we've been reduced to?" he asked. "Playing a child's game as a temple threatens to collapse upon us?"
The temple walls shook at his words as more dust and sand fell around them.
"It was your 'ingenious trap' that got us stuck in here," she reminded him, a hint of annoyance adding an edge to her voice. "Now the desert curse shall claim this temple, and us 'trespassers' along with it."
"Do you have any five's?"
She bitterly tossed him a card.
The temple shuddered as he set aside his newest pair. "Daring Do the Defeatist," he mused with a saw-toothed grin. "It has a certain ring to it."
Daring grit her teeth, but refused to rise to the bait. "Got any Jack's?"
"Go fish."
Daring drew her card and was able to make a pair with the eight she had been holding. A distant quake made sure they didn't forget their current situation.
"It always amuses me to see that look of defiance in your eyes," Ahuizotl said tauntingly, a deep chuckle rumbling through his chest. "Do you have any ten's, Daring Do?"
She narrowed her eyes at his condescending smile, but after taking a steadying breath, passed him the card.
"It doesn't matter what you say to me, Ahuizotl" she said, more calmly than before. "Nothing matters now."
Ahuizotl tilted his head. "This is quite unlike you. Where is that spirit—that fire that I have come to expect of you?"
"It's underneath a hundred acres of sand," she said sharply.
Ahuizotl rose to his feet. "I refuse to allow my nemesis to be defeated by anyone other than myself." He leaned over menacingly. "Not even by you."
Daring blinked in surprise.
"...Got any Queen's?" was all she could think to say.
Ahuizotl straightened up and tossed her the card with his tail, but carried on as if he hadn't been interrupted.
"I am the world's most feared treasure-hunter," he continued, "and you, the world's most renowned adventurer. Our rivalry is nothing short of legendary! Thanks, in no small part, to you," he reminded her.
Daring limply opened and closed her mouth.
"What're we supposed to do?" she asked when she could finally summon the words. "We're trapped down here—just you, me, and this deck of cards I carry for the long train rides."
"We must see this rivalry of ours to a spectacular end," he dramatically proclaimed. "We owe it to the world!"
Daring Do stared down at the old, faded cards in front of her, fully convinced she could feel the temple sinking into the desert even as they spoke.
"No one else will ever know what happened here..."
Ahuizotl threw his arms wide, bearing an enormous smile. "Then let us make it the greatest story never told!" He sat back down with another thud. "So, what say you, Daring Do?" Ahuizotl asked as he picked up his cards. "Do you have any two's?"
A competitive grin crept across her face.
"...Go fish."
The sand was pouring in through the cracks as the temple continued its descent.
"An hourglass metaphor would be appropriate right about now," Daring mused aloud, unable to restrain her authorial instincts.
"Do not deflect, Daring Do," Ahuizotl said. "Do you have an Ace or not?"
"Go fish."
Ahuizotl wasted no time in swiping away a card and managed to make a pair of six's.
"Got any... four's?" Daring smirked at his scowl as he begrudgingly relinquished the card.
"Enjoy the feeling of victory while you can, Daring Do," Ahuizotl snarled. "Do you have any seven's?"
"Do you have any King's...?"
The ceiling groaned beneath the weight of the desert above it, nearly drowning out the words. Daring Do held out the only card she still had, undoubtedly a match for the lone card Ahuizotl was holding. He swiped the card from her hoof, a greedy glint in his eyes.
The game was done.
"Yes!" Ahuizotl cried. "I have done it! I have finally defeated Daring Do—!"
The ceiling collapsed.
Am I supposed to laugh, at the end...? I'm not sure what you want the audience to feel. Daring Do is completely out of character, and the story is depressing as a result.
Daring Do and Ahuizotl are trapped in a collapsing temple and play Go Fish.
I think that if this was meant to be funny, it should have started with them trying to figure out some way to escape, and then at the end, after the whole “it cannot end without some epic finale”, blah blah, cut to them playing Go Fish.
If it wasn’t, I’m not quite sure what the point was.
I think that if this was meant to be funny, it should have started with them trying to figure out some way to escape, and then at the end, after the whole “it cannot end without some epic finale”, blah blah, cut to them playing Go Fish.
If it wasn’t, I’m not quite sure what the point was.
I wish this had sold me a little more on the futility of even trying to escape. However, I'm going to dwell less on what the story could have done than what it did.
This was very atmospheric in its depiction of the characters' circumstances. The moment where the deck of cards was described felt tangible, and the back and forth of the game itself was used well in moving the story along. I also liked it that the antagonist called our hero out on her lack of fire.
The ending worked for me as both clever and a bit humorous.
This was very atmospheric in its depiction of the characters' circumstances. The moment where the deck of cards was described felt tangible, and the back and forth of the game itself was used well in moving the story along. I also liked it that the antagonist called our hero out on her lack of fire.
The ending worked for me as both clever and a bit humorous.
I smirked.
Reminds me of episodes in kids TV shows where for that one episode the bad guy wouldn't be so bad and would work with the protagonist, at least for a bit.
Like others say, I think it could be made even better if the ham was juuust a bit hammier. Maybe Daring lamenting on the fact that she will never be able to write a book and Ahuizotl's stunned by this revelation and asks why he never got royalties from the sales.
... holy crap that's a good idea in itself.
Reminds me of episodes in kids TV shows where for that one episode the bad guy wouldn't be so bad and would work with the protagonist, at least for a bit.
Like others say, I think it could be made even better if the ham was juuust a bit hammier. Maybe Daring lamenting on the fact that she will never be able to write a book and Ahuizotl's stunned by this revelation and asks why he never got royalties from the sales.
... holy crap that's a good idea in itself.
You shouldn’t use apostrophes in the numbers. They’re plurals, not possessives.
In any case, I’m practically obligated to enjoy a story where card games are serious business, and I quite liked this one. I agree that playing up Ahuizotl’s ham will help the story. Showing the effects of his exuberance on Daring would also work well. We should be able to see how well his efforts are working.
In any case, I’m practically obligated to enjoy a story where card games are serious business, and I quite liked this one. I agree that playing up Ahuizotl’s ham will help the story. Showing the effects of his exuberance on Daring would also work well. We should be able to see how well his efforts are working.
This sets up a very cool situation, with great potential for both comedy and drama. But by the end, you haven’t done much with that situation. Both characters are in the same place at the conclusion as they were at the start. Sure, Daring Do is more excited about the game now, but is that really all that can be done with these two very dramatic characters in this very dramatic situation?
This definitely needs to be hammier, on both characters' parts. I get what the author's going for here, and he/she did set up a clever scenario that will definitely draw a chuckle. But it tilts just bit too far to the serious side to keep me fully engaged in the mirth of the story and not the practical reality.
Still, this one is definitely worth sprucing up, expanding a bit, and publishing. :)
Still, this one is definitely worth sprucing up, expanding a bit, and publishing. :)
I have little to add to previous reviews. The fact that nothing seemed to change about the futility of the situation made it kinda depressing. Maybe showing the fight going on before they knew they were doomed, and having just the final few paragraphs show how they continue their rivalry with any means necessary (the cards) would take care of that. Just an idea.
Hmmmmm.. Interesting. I'm no sure what to think of this one. It's rather sad and depressing, but interesting at the same time. I find it a bit hard to believe that both characters have given up on trying to escape / survive... But we're not really given the details of their circumstances, or how long they've been trapped there. It may well be that they've tried everything they could, and that their deaths truly are inevitable.
Under the circumstances, the changes in behavior / apparent OOCness make some sense. Daring Do's apathetic behavior is not unreasonable for someone in a completely hopeless situation. And Ahuizotl's insistence on continuing to fight Daring in some fashion until the very end is rather amusing.
And after all those years of being thwarted by Daring, only to finally earn (minor) victory that no one will ever know of... Just before they're both killed... Rather amusingly ironic, really.
All in all, not bad!
Under the circumstances, the changes in behavior / apparent OOCness make some sense. Daring Do's apathetic behavior is not unreasonable for someone in a completely hopeless situation. And Ahuizotl's insistence on continuing to fight Daring in some fashion until the very end is rather amusing.
And after all those years of being thwarted by Daring, only to finally earn (minor) victory that no one will ever know of... Just before they're both killed... Rather amusingly ironic, really.
All in all, not bad!