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The friendshipping here is solid on the whole, but the "thanks for saving my life back there" moment broke me out of the story. What? That's, uh, a little bit big to just sort of come up offhandedly in conversation. And it sets up a parallel source of conflict with the Twilight argument that diminishes both -- you could very easily have hung Sunset's angst around one of the two and removed the other entirely.
Agreed with the other commenters on the prose issues; take an edit pass through this to trim it down before you start expanding it out to FIMFiction size. Maybe show us the life-saving event you reference, if you're writing further scenes to bring it up to 1000 words?
Actually, on second thought: is that bicycle race thing they discuss an event from the third Equestria Girls movie? If so, I'm missing context here that would probably hang this a little closer together. That's another crossover-rules issue, though a more forgivable one because it's more reasonable to assume in a pony writing competition that that's a thing your audience has seen. You would be well served by adding a few sentences of subtle exposition as if none of your readers had watched that movie -- not only to bring everyone up to speed, but also to ground your scene a bit more. It's not until your ninth paragraph that the bike race is even mentioned; they're basically talking in a blank white room until then, so having her stand up from a crashed bike in the opening (or whatever) provides much better framing even for your EG-aware readers.
Tier: Almost There
Agreed with the other commenters on the prose issues; take an edit pass through this to trim it down before you start expanding it out to FIMFiction size. Maybe show us the life-saving event you reference, if you're writing further scenes to bring it up to 1000 words?
Actually, on second thought: is that bicycle race thing they discuss an event from the third Equestria Girls movie? If so, I'm missing context here that would probably hang this a little closer together. That's another crossover-rules issue, though a more forgivable one because it's more reasonable to assume in a pony writing competition that that's a thing your audience has seen. You would be well served by adding a few sentences of subtle exposition as if none of your readers had watched that movie -- not only to bring everyone up to speed, but also to ground your scene a bit more. It's not until your ninth paragraph that the bike race is even mentioned; they're basically talking in a blank white room until then, so having her stand up from a crashed bike in the opening (or whatever) provides much better framing even for your EG-aware readers.
Tier: Almost There
Another dialogue-only piece! Consider my jimmies rustled.
JK. The rather weird "..." lines didn't throw me off nearly as much as I would like to claim, probably because I knew them already from someone's Fun-er-all. I call samefa author.
It's pretty sappy, but the idea of both of them meeting in the afterlife is kinda cool.
Does the line “Even if that means running through dirt and mud puddles and—” mean to say Spike's afterlife is some sort of bootcamp? Yeesh.
JK. The rather weird "..." lines didn't throw me off nearly as much as I would like to claim, probably because I knew them already from someone's Fun-er-all. I call same
It's pretty sappy, but the idea of both of them meeting in the afterlife is kinda cool.
Does the line “Even if that means running through dirt and mud puddles and—” mean to say Spike's afterlife is some sort of bootcamp? Yeesh.
Very little to add to existing comments. It was certainly an interesting reveal, but you played your cards way too close to your chest on the way there; we spend 2/3 of the story not knowing what the plan is that they are discussing, and the story definitely needs a hook to provide enough context to carry us through all that buildup.
Have you considered revealing one of the characters' identities at the beginning, and then having the twist be the discovery of who the other one is?
Tier: Needs Work
Have you considered revealing one of the characters' identities at the beginning, and then having the twist be the discovery of who the other one is?
Tier: Needs Work
Adding to the "solid but unexceptional" chorus. Had to do a little thinking about why the story didn't grab me, and I think the biggest factor is: while AJ and the brothers act like they should, they never really sound in character. Check out these lines:
Flim is negotiating and making requests rather than trying to con his way out of corners, and AJ is straight-up swearing. These are both pretty solid breaks from canon, and while that's acceptable if you can lampshade the changes, here I'm not feeling it. Other lines, like "You're pullin' Kicks McGee," certainly reference Applejack-isms, but don't sound quite right to me in context.
Other than the voicing, there's not much I would change here. Bucking the solid casket was a high point, and the setup and execution here both do their job. My slate's felt a bit weak this time around, but this is slipping into the top third.
"Be nice to my brother, Applejack," cautioned Flim, walking into the room. ...
"Like hog shit you are," spat Applejack, and both brothers blushed. "Pardon my fancy. No, on second thought, don't."
"Applejack, please! It isn't a scam this time," said Flim.
Flim is negotiating and making requests rather than trying to con his way out of corners, and AJ is straight-up swearing. These are both pretty solid breaks from canon, and while that's acceptable if you can lampshade the changes, here I'm not feeling it. Other lines, like "You're pullin' Kicks McGee," certainly reference Applejack-isms, but don't sound quite right to me in context.
Other than the voicing, there's not much I would change here. Bucking the solid casket was a high point, and the setup and execution here both do their job. My slate's felt a bit weak this time around, but this is slipping into the top third.
Oh wow, this was remarkable. The writing is top-notch and the conflict as well as the choices Daring has to face are engaging.
>>Haze
I would like to second what you said about the story being complete: Daring has made her choice, and whether she lives or dies is inconsequential to the question I think this story tries to ask. Or even inconsequential to the question: was it the right choice or not? It certainly was the noble choice, seeing as she knew her assistant wouldn't last.
There's also a definite answer here: noble choices put you at the mercy of others.
Aaand to the top of my ballot it goes.
>>Haze
I would like to second what you said about the story being complete: Daring has made her choice, and whether she lives or dies is inconsequential to the question I think this story tries to ask. Or even inconsequential to the question: was it the right choice or not? It certainly was the noble choice, seeing as she knew her assistant wouldn't last.
There's also a definite answer here: noble choices put you at the mercy of others.
Aaand to the top of my ballot it goes.
>>Trick_Question
This has been my experience as well. I had my doubts going into this but I think the new way of doing things is working out thus far.
This has been my experience as well. I had my doubts going into this but I think the new way of doing things is working out thus far.
I can't tell if you're actually aiming for a sentimental ending, or if it's sarcastic. I mean, the premise is really bonkers, and you don't have that much room to really make the audience take it seriously.
Still, an inventive idea. Just that if the idea was to tug at our heartstrings at the end, it feels unearned.
Still, an inventive idea. Just that if the idea was to tug at our heartstrings at the end, it feels unearned.
As someone who struggles with description and leans heavily toward dialogue, I can understand the temptation of a dialogue-only story. However, it really messes with the pacing. You've got a decent rapport between Luna and Celestia, but it all just moves too fast, nothing's given room to breathe since there's no bodily or facial reaction to compliment the dialogue.
Yeah, the ‘goof’ at the very beginning set the tone for the rest of the piece :P What Trick said, also an “it’s” instead of “its” and that fragment “Before he could process his action,…” sounds very awkward.
It’s a mildly amusing story, but, prank apart, I think it adequately captures what you can feel when you face one of those bullies like Blueblood. I had the same experience with a landlord who threatened to sue me because there were patches of humidity on the walls when I left my former flat. He was blustering, of course, but it still managed to unsettle me a little for a day of two.
Otherwise, I agree with >>Trick_Question and the others here, in that I don’t see where the prank is. Which one is trying to put the other on? Except for the guard, I don’t get it. And I don’t expect Blueblood to have authorities on the guards to decide whom they shall arrest, anyway.
It’s a mildly amusing story, but, prank apart, I think it adequately captures what you can feel when you face one of those bullies like Blueblood. I had the same experience with a landlord who threatened to sue me because there were patches of humidity on the walls when I left my former flat. He was blustering, of course, but it still managed to unsettle me a little for a day of two.
Otherwise, I agree with >>Trick_Question and the others here, in that I don’t see where the prank is. Which one is trying to put the other on? Except for the guard, I don’t get it. And I don’t expect Blueblood to have authorities on the guards to decide whom they shall arrest, anyway.
>>TitaniumDragon
I think wYvern says it well. The question isn't whether Pumpernickel comes back or Daring survives -- that's ultimately irrelevant. The climax of the story is when she makes the decision to put her life in hishands hooves. The rest is the resolution, and it has all the elements of a complete story. It is, however, open-ended, which I think some people don't like. They want to know what happens to Daring, which I think is a fairly human desire.
I'll defer on this question to horizon (assuming he didn't write this one himself). He has a better understanding of the elements of a story than I.
I think wYvern says it well. The question isn't whether Pumpernickel comes back or Daring survives -- that's ultimately irrelevant. The climax of the story is when she makes the decision to put her life in his
I'll defer on this question to horizon (assuming he didn't write this one himself). He has a better understanding of the elements of a story than I.
One of the things I love about reviewing is that it gives me a chance to really think deeply about why I take certain approaches to writing, and why certain things might work or not work. Spending a good hour pouring over a minific and trying to justify all my thoughts about it is a really valuable exercise for me, and I've said elsewhere that I think it's probably the one thing that's taught me the most about writing beyond spending a decade of my childhood reading every last book I could get my hands on.
Yet still a lot of how I write is done on gut instinct and feeling learned (I hope) from all the reading I've done. And while reviews very often allow me to examine my instincts more closely, and give me some insight into why some things work and other things don't, every now and then I come across an issue that I can't figure out—at least, not in a reasonable time frame. Usually, I'd avoid mentioning those things, or mention them really briefly, but in this particular case one major point of this review is going to have to be based around unfounded, instinctive reactions to an aspect of writing that I can't wholly justify. For that reason, author, I apologise, and state unequivocally that this review is even more subjective than a review would usually be. I hope you still find this useful.
Oh, and a quick warning: this is long, even by my standards. It's also exceedingly focused on the negative, which is not intended as a slight on your story and something I often try to avoid doing. In all honesty, I think the story here is a fun, cute slice-of-life piece with an interesting (if flawed) structure, and I had fun reading it. That said, I found it to be a very useful platform to make some really interesting points about an aspect of writing I hadn't really explored properly before, so I went and did that instead. Again, my sincere apologies to you, author. I hope that my ramblings are still of use to you!
Let's talk about beginnings and endings.
You know that really old bit of advice that goes "a story should have a beginning, a middle, and an end"? I'll be honest, before I started reading fanfiction I never really understood the purpose of that advice, because it seemed utterly intuitive—of course a story has a beginning, because it begins; and of course a story has an ending, because it ends. My twelve-year-old self, thankfully, was very wrong about this.
Beginning a story isn't easy, because in the space of a few sentences you need to establish at least some major details about the story itself whilst also trying to attract the reader's attention. One fantastic way to do that is to use the technique of in medias res, where you dive headfirst into a scene without pausing or letting the reader adjust—I've described this before as grabbing a reader's hand, yelling "run", and then running off without giving them time to think. When used properly, it's a great tool for helping to craft a good hook.
Here, you use this technique but it doesn't quite work, so let's spend a little while trying to figure out why:
This is your first paragraph, but before we even start to talk about that I want to talk quickly about formatting. You know, by this point, that a lot of people have complained about formatting and paragraph spacing. I want to quickly add to that discussion that correct paragraph spacing is vital because it's the first thing a reader sees of your story: before we've even read a word, we've seen the mise-en-page of the piece, and if it looks like a badly-formatted story we're probably going to have bad expectations for the content as well. Getting paragraph formatting right could in many ways be considered a key part of setting up your hook!
Now let's talk about your opening dialogue. Opening with dialogue is a great idea, not only for starting in medias res but also for setting the tone and theme of your piece, and by starting with the right piece of dialogue you can immediately identify to the readers key ideas like:
• The main conflict of the story, if it's between two characters.
• The main theme of the story.
• The setting of the story, in some cases, through the dialect of the character speaking.
(There's probably a lot more that can be added to the list, but I think three is good enough for now. Bear in mind that you can do all three simultaneously!†)
Your opening dialogue is a prompt drop, and so gives the reader almost no new information about the story because we already know it's going to be based on the prompt! I'm generally not against prompt drops, but my advice would very rarely be to open a story with one because, for the most part, they make for terrible hooks. If you open a story with things a reader already knows, they're probably not going to feel particularly compelled to read on.
It doesn't help that your dialogue is immediately followed by a punctuation error (you have an action tag, not a speech tag, here, so you should really end your dialogue with a full stop(/period) and start the tag as a new sentence with capitalisation.) This further compounds the impressions the reader has had about the story from the paragraphing, and we're only one sentence in!
But "It's your funeral" is a poor opening for another reason, too: it's an ending. The phrase "it's your funeral" is typically used as a dismissal, as a way of bringing a discussion to an end, and as a concluding remark it feels to me like a terrible way to open a story. Now, if your story were all about toying with chronology or, in fact, the ambiguity of endings themselves (some corny message like "when one door closes, another opens" springs to mind as a good theme for this) then that would be a fantastic way to not only set up the theme, but to have the story's own structure mirror the theme by opening with an ending. So far as I can see, that's not really the purpose of this piece—you seem to just be opening with "it's your funeral" so you can end with a reversal of that. My advice, then, would be to end the first scene with "it's your funeral"—this fits better with the way that phrase tends to work, but also gives you a strong ending for your first scene.
Now let's talk about your ending. I'm going to quote two paragraphs this time, because the latter needs the former's context:
That first sentence of dialogue feels awfully forced, to me. I think the main reason for this is that nobody is going to remember a throwaway expression like "It's your funeral", and certainly not feel the need to apologise using the exact same kind of phrasing. The line comes off as unnatural and clunky, which is a shame because you've built your entire story's structure around that response. It's also a shame, because I suspect it's a contributing factor to the weakness of your final line.
"I guess it wasn't" feels like an exceptionally weak ending to me (and this, incidentally, is the bit of the review I was talking about in that little preamble). I can't justify this opinion: I can name a whole bunch of factors that might lessen the impact of the line, but at the end of the day my response is simply: "That is not an ending." So instead I'm going to talk a little about two of the things I think about when trying to construct an ending (because I find the final sentence of a story, scene, or even sometimes paragraph needs far more attention than any of the sentences before it):
• Candence: Musical terminology is particularly useful here, because I'm quite literally talking about how the sentence sounds aloud. In beginner's music theory, cadences are described as being like the punctuation of music: a perfect cadence is a full stop, an imperfect cadence is a comma, etc. There's obviously a bit more to it than that, but the fact of the matter is that a perfect cadence sounds like an ending, and almost every other cadence sounds unfinished. For me, one thing I'm often focusing on is where the strongest stress falls—I want it to fall as near as possible to the end of the sentence. Again, I stress that I can't justify this, but the cadence of your ending doesn't quite sound like a conclusion to me.
• Strength: Some sentences use sharp, precise language; some sentences are less well-defined. For instance, pronouns tend to be a little less precise than proper nouns, because a pronoun is inherently ambiguous and depends on context for meaning. I try to avoid pronouns in my final sentences for this reason, as well as other words that rely on context, to allow the final sentence to stand alone. Obviously this isn't the only factor in a sentence's strength (which is again a difficult concept to define, and another one I can't properly justify), but I think the "it" in your final sentence is probably dragging you down a little. The sentence certainly feels weak, to me.
I know that these thoughts are mostly unjustified, but I hope that can give you a bit of insight into what might make a final sentence tick. I think writing this up has helped me start to identify what I really need to think about, too, so that's a nice bonus! If anyone has any thoughts on this matter, I know I'd appreciate hearing them.
There's a lot of work that this piece needs. But the good news is that the problems all lie in the way you've told the story to us, which is easy to fix (at least, compared to an underlying issue with the story itself). Follow the advice of the commenters above in editing, and give some special care and attention to your openings and your endings (not just the ones I've mentioned here! Scene openings and endings are just as important); I have no doubt that, with a bit of elbow grease, you can polish this up into a much more engaging slice-of-life tale, because you have the underlying story there and it's just waiting to shine.
†Also, I feel compelled to mention that I forgot the unicode for "•" momentarily there, and stumbled upon the unicode for "‣", which is pretty cool. Also "†", which would be really useful if I were writing about matrices or chess, but given I tend not to have too many footnotes is probably not very useful to me at all. Still, at least I can use it here, right?
Yet still a lot of how I write is done on gut instinct and feeling learned (I hope) from all the reading I've done. And while reviews very often allow me to examine my instincts more closely, and give me some insight into why some things work and other things don't, every now and then I come across an issue that I can't figure out—at least, not in a reasonable time frame. Usually, I'd avoid mentioning those things, or mention them really briefly, but in this particular case one major point of this review is going to have to be based around unfounded, instinctive reactions to an aspect of writing that I can't wholly justify. For that reason, author, I apologise, and state unequivocally that this review is even more subjective than a review would usually be. I hope you still find this useful.
Oh, and a quick warning: this is long, even by my standards. It's also exceedingly focused on the negative, which is not intended as a slight on your story and something I often try to avoid doing. In all honesty, I think the story here is a fun, cute slice-of-life piece with an interesting (if flawed) structure, and I had fun reading it. That said, I found it to be a very useful platform to make some really interesting points about an aspect of writing I hadn't really explored properly before, so I went and did that instead. Again, my sincere apologies to you, author. I hope that my ramblings are still of use to you!
Let's talk about beginnings and endings.
You know that really old bit of advice that goes "a story should have a beginning, a middle, and an end"? I'll be honest, before I started reading fanfiction I never really understood the purpose of that advice, because it seemed utterly intuitive—of course a story has a beginning, because it begins; and of course a story has an ending, because it ends. My twelve-year-old self, thankfully, was very wrong about this.
Beginning a story isn't easy, because in the space of a few sentences you need to establish at least some major details about the story itself whilst also trying to attract the reader's attention. One fantastic way to do that is to use the technique of in medias res, where you dive headfirst into a scene without pausing or letting the reader adjust—I've described this before as grabbing a reader's hand, yelling "run", and then running off without giving them time to think. When used properly, it's a great tool for helping to craft a good hook.
Here, you use this technique but it doesn't quite work, so let's spend a little while trying to figure out why:
“It’s your funeral,” and with those words, and a flick of her mane, Octavia flounced away. Lyra just smiled softly, confident that she had everything under control.
This is your first paragraph, but before we even start to talk about that I want to talk quickly about formatting. You know, by this point, that a lot of people have complained about formatting and paragraph spacing. I want to quickly add to that discussion that correct paragraph spacing is vital because it's the first thing a reader sees of your story: before we've even read a word, we've seen the mise-en-page of the piece, and if it looks like a badly-formatted story we're probably going to have bad expectations for the content as well. Getting paragraph formatting right could in many ways be considered a key part of setting up your hook!
Now let's talk about your opening dialogue. Opening with dialogue is a great idea, not only for starting in medias res but also for setting the tone and theme of your piece, and by starting with the right piece of dialogue you can immediately identify to the readers key ideas like:
• The main conflict of the story, if it's between two characters.
• The main theme of the story.
• The setting of the story, in some cases, through the dialect of the character speaking.
(There's probably a lot more that can be added to the list, but I think three is good enough for now. Bear in mind that you can do all three simultaneously!†)
Your opening dialogue is a prompt drop, and so gives the reader almost no new information about the story because we already know it's going to be based on the prompt! I'm generally not against prompt drops, but my advice would very rarely be to open a story with one because, for the most part, they make for terrible hooks. If you open a story with things a reader already knows, they're probably not going to feel particularly compelled to read on.
It doesn't help that your dialogue is immediately followed by a punctuation error (you have an action tag, not a speech tag, here, so you should really end your dialogue with a full stop(/period) and start the tag as a new sentence with capitalisation.) This further compounds the impressions the reader has had about the story from the paragraphing, and we're only one sentence in!
But "It's your funeral" is a poor opening for another reason, too: it's an ending. The phrase "it's your funeral" is typically used as a dismissal, as a way of bringing a discussion to an end, and as a concluding remark it feels to me like a terrible way to open a story. Now, if your story were all about toying with chronology or, in fact, the ambiguity of endings themselves (some corny message like "when one door closes, another opens" springs to mind as a good theme for this) then that would be a fantastic way to not only set up the theme, but to have the story's own structure mirror the theme by opening with an ending. So far as I can see, that's not really the purpose of this piece—you seem to just be opening with "it's your funeral" so you can end with a reversal of that. My advice, then, would be to end the first scene with "it's your funeral"—this fits better with the way that phrase tends to work, but also gives you a strong ending for your first scene.
Now let's talk about your ending. I'm going to quote two paragraphs this time, because the latter needs the former's context:
“I guess it was not your funeral after all. I apologize; I should have trusted your judgment.” Octavia looked appropriately dismayed and was surprised as Lyra nudged her comfortingly.
“I guess it wasn’t.”
That first sentence of dialogue feels awfully forced, to me. I think the main reason for this is that nobody is going to remember a throwaway expression like "It's your funeral", and certainly not feel the need to apologise using the exact same kind of phrasing. The line comes off as unnatural and clunky, which is a shame because you've built your entire story's structure around that response. It's also a shame, because I suspect it's a contributing factor to the weakness of your final line.
"I guess it wasn't" feels like an exceptionally weak ending to me (and this, incidentally, is the bit of the review I was talking about in that little preamble). I can't justify this opinion: I can name a whole bunch of factors that might lessen the impact of the line, but at the end of the day my response is simply: "That is not an ending." So instead I'm going to talk a little about two of the things I think about when trying to construct an ending (because I find the final sentence of a story, scene, or even sometimes paragraph needs far more attention than any of the sentences before it):
• Candence: Musical terminology is particularly useful here, because I'm quite literally talking about how the sentence sounds aloud. In beginner's music theory, cadences are described as being like the punctuation of music: a perfect cadence is a full stop, an imperfect cadence is a comma, etc. There's obviously a bit more to it than that, but the fact of the matter is that a perfect cadence sounds like an ending, and almost every other cadence sounds unfinished. For me, one thing I'm often focusing on is where the strongest stress falls—I want it to fall as near as possible to the end of the sentence. Again, I stress that I can't justify this, but the cadence of your ending doesn't quite sound like a conclusion to me.
• Strength: Some sentences use sharp, precise language; some sentences are less well-defined. For instance, pronouns tend to be a little less precise than proper nouns, because a pronoun is inherently ambiguous and depends on context for meaning. I try to avoid pronouns in my final sentences for this reason, as well as other words that rely on context, to allow the final sentence to stand alone. Obviously this isn't the only factor in a sentence's strength (which is again a difficult concept to define, and another one I can't properly justify), but I think the "it" in your final sentence is probably dragging you down a little. The sentence certainly feels weak, to me.
I know that these thoughts are mostly unjustified, but I hope that can give you a bit of insight into what might make a final sentence tick. I think writing this up has helped me start to identify what I really need to think about, too, so that's a nice bonus! If anyone has any thoughts on this matter, I know I'd appreciate hearing them.
There's a lot of work that this piece needs. But the good news is that the problems all lie in the way you've told the story to us, which is easy to fix (at least, compared to an underlying issue with the story itself). Follow the advice of the commenters above in editing, and give some special care and attention to your openings and your endings (not just the ones I've mentioned here! Scene openings and endings are just as important); I have no doubt that, with a bit of elbow grease, you can polish this up into a much more engaging slice-of-life tale, because you have the underlying story there and it's just waiting to shine.
†Also, I feel compelled to mention that I forgot the unicode for "•" momentarily there, and stumbled upon the unicode for "‣", which is pretty cool. Also "†", which would be really useful if I were writing about matrices or chess, but given I tend not to have too many footnotes is probably not very useful to me at all. Still, at least I can use it here, right?
>>GrandMoffPony
This is Pinkie's funeral, which she's seeing because the events of "The Cutie Re-Mark" screwed up time enough that the Ghost of Hearth's Warming Yet to Come showed her the future instead of whatever Scrooge analogue he was supposed to enlighten.
This is Pinkie's funeral, which she's seeing because the events of "The Cutie Re-Mark" screwed up time enough that the Ghost of Hearth's Warming Yet to Come showed her the future instead of whatever Scrooge analogue he was supposed to enlighten.
I'm going to echo a lot of the other comments here in that this was a nice story and well constructed but failed to make any real impact on me. It's a big problem with these behind the scenes fics that they lack any real mystery or drama precisely because we, the reader, know going in what the end will be. I'd be far more engaged by Lighting Dust's thoughts, or even Meadow's than Rainbow's because I already know what the conclusion will be for her.
This one suffers from a lot of fridge logic moments for me and I really don't think the punchline is strong enough to absolve the problems it presents. Overall its a fun little idea, but overstays its welcome and just isn't consistently funny enough to maintain my attention while it builds up to the grand reveal.
>>horizon
I think you're confused. When I said binging/purging I wasn't talking about anorexia, but about another kind of addiction entirely that shares that cycle. I'm fairly confident this story has nothing to do with eating disorders. :derpytongue2:
Also, I'm pretty sure TD's video reference was meant tongue-in-cheek. :) This story is an allegory, not a reference to anything literal that you'd have to know about to get, like you're supposing.
I think you're confused. When I said binging/purging I wasn't talking about anorexia, but about another kind of addiction entirely that shares that cycle. I'm fairly confident this story has nothing to do with eating disorders. :derpytongue2:
Also, I'm pretty sure TD's video reference was meant tongue-in-cheek. :) This story is an allegory, not a reference to anything literal that you'd have to know about to get, like you're supposing.
>>RogerDodger
While we're dreaming, it would be amazing if there were some way to preview a story every time you hover over a link to that story. I can't ever remember what the stories are about because unless the title is "Fluttershy and the Cactuses" the titles tend to be far too vague. Half my story clicks are trying to remember what the story was, but even the first few sentences would remind me.
While we're dreaming, it would be amazing if there were some way to preview a story every time you hover over a link to that story. I can't ever remember what the stories are about because unless the title is "Fluttershy and the Cactuses" the titles tend to be far too vague. Half my story clicks are trying to remember what the story was, but even the first few sentences would remind me.
>>Cold in Gardez
Not to beat this horse to death with the same response to you repeatedly, but I agree with what you're saying. My problem with the ending was more that we don't get much of an insight into Daring's mindset. What does "Of course, she knew, traps could be patient, too." mean about how she feels? Does that mean she's resigned to die wordswordswords already? I expect Daring to take chances, and at the end of this piece I'm not convinced she still has that part of her personality.
Not to beat this horse to death with the same response to you repeatedly, but I agree with what you're saying. My problem with the ending was more that we don't get much of an insight into Daring's mindset. What does "Of course, she knew, traps could be patient, too." mean about how she feels? Does that mean she's resigned to die wordswordswords already? I expect Daring to take chances, and at the end of this piece I'm not convinced she still has that part of her personality.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Wait, what? When did "The Cutie Re-Mark" "screw up time"? I'm totally lost. Where are you getting that theory from?
EDIT: Sorry! I thought you meant "Raiders of the Lost Mark". Herp derp.
Wait, what? When did "The Cutie Re-Mark" "screw up time"? I'm totally lost. Where are you getting that theory from?
EDIT: Sorry! I thought you meant "Raiders of the Lost Mark". Herp derp.
Cactus juice. It's quenchy! Nothing's quenchier! It's the quenchiest!
After reading through the comments and getting a grasp on what it means...
Eh.
I mean the basic joke is that Fluttershy likes porn. A lot. But this joke has been done in the fandom many many times. This fic just dresses it up and attempts to give it deeper meaning, I guess. At the end of the day though, the punchline is still the same, giving this fic a lack of meat to its bones because... not much actually happens other than the joke.
After reading through the comments and getting a grasp on what it means...
Eh.
I mean the basic joke is that Fluttershy likes porn. A lot. But this joke has been done in the fandom many many times. This fic just dresses it up and attempts to give it deeper meaning, I guess. At the end of the day though, the punchline is still the same, giving this fic a lack of meat to its bones because... not much actually happens other than the joke.
It's a Fluttershy story.
I despise Fluttershy.
So I can't really comment without much bias clouding me, unfortunately. That said! ... this is probably one of the most show-tone fics I've read in this contest so far and I'm a big fan of those types of stories, so props on that.
I despise Fluttershy.
So I can't really comment without much bias clouding me, unfortunately. That said! ... this is probably one of the most show-tone fics I've read in this contest so far and I'm a big fan of those types of stories, so props on that.
Kinda saw the ending coming but regardless, this was a nice character piece sprinkling good little details about the Mane 6 and worldbuilding throughout.
Only issue, and I guess this is what people have been saying about the word count, the twist comes a bit too suddenly. Like, I think I was meant to feel sad and shocked but I wasn't really. It just came and went.
Only issue, and I guess this is what people have been saying about the word count, the twist comes a bit too suddenly. Like, I think I was meant to feel sad and shocked but I wasn't really. It just came and went.
>>JaketheGinger
No. :facehoof: This story contains no jokes and it has nothing to do with Fluttershy.
Ponies are going to be so surprised when they discover I didn't write this one. Hurry up and get here, Saturday! Whoever you are, mystery author, I got your back.
I mean the basic joke is that Fluttershy likes porn.
No. :facehoof: This story contains no jokes and it has nothing to do with Fluttershy.
Ponies are going to be so surprised when they discover I didn't write this one. Hurry up and get here, Saturday! Whoever you are, mystery author, I got your back.
>>Trick_Question
Actually, I just realized I could prove I didn't write it by writing a phony retrospective, posting it early, and notifying Roger. The fact it wouldn't get DQ'd would prove it wasn't mine. /)^3^(\
Actually, I just realized I could prove I didn't write it by writing a phony retrospective, posting it early, and notifying Roger. The fact it wouldn't get DQ'd would prove it wasn't mine. /)^3^(\
>>Trick_Question
Sorry, but no serious story should be allowed to blatantly name it's characters after porn sites.
The way I see it, this is a glorified trollfic. It's kind of like "Fibrous Ot Nuggets OF EMOTION" that way. On the most basic level, they're both trollfics that try to elevate themselves to something else. In Fibrous's case, it tries to do that with meta jokes, so its success and how most people will rank it will depend largely on how funny they think it is. This story tries to elevate itself by hiding some sort of allegory underneath the trollfic, so its success or failure is dependant on whether or not a reader can detect and decipher the allegory, and it seems like no one but you can.
Sorry, but no serious story should be allowed to blatantly name it's characters after porn sites.
The way I see it, this is a glorified trollfic. It's kind of like "Fibrous Ot Nuggets OF EMOTION" that way. On the most basic level, they're both trollfics that try to elevate themselves to something else. In Fibrous's case, it tries to do that with meta jokes, so its success and how most people will rank it will depend largely on how funny they think it is. This story tries to elevate itself by hiding some sort of allegory underneath the trollfic, so its success or failure is dependant on whether or not a reader can detect and decipher the allegory, and it seems like no one but you can.
>>The_Letter_J
Oddly enough, Ot takes the 0% position on my slate, whilst this one gets ranked second place. :V
Oddly enough, Ot takes the 0% position on my slate, whilst this one gets ranked second place. :V
I remembered that I never finished reading this story. So I just did that thing.
I regret having done so.
It's still getting 0%. It's very well-written, creative, and on-prompt, sort-of. It just isn't a good story, and the degree of annoyance it provokes makes me wish I hadn't read it. I don't think trollfics are interesting. You're just making fun of ponies who are worse writers than you are by making intentional mistakes, which is the worst brand of elitism. It's insulting and mean-spirited, and it isn't funny in any way. And saying in the fic that ponies who downvote it do so "for their personal biases" is a tired, cliche way of insulting anypony that doesn't upvote this stupid crap. I guess your bases are covered. :facehoof:
The fact that cliche tropes and garbage writing is intentional doesn't make it better, it makes it less forgivable. And if you're happy that I'm unhappy at having read this story, then buck you for finding entertainment in harming others.
All that said, the biggest problem is that the underlying story isn't interesting. I do actually appreciate the tremendous amount of technical skill that went into this, but it's still at the bottom of the pile because your story sucks. I'm (actually) sorry.
I regret having done so.
It's still getting 0%. It's very well-written, creative, and on-prompt, sort-of. It just isn't a good story, and the degree of annoyance it provokes makes me wish I hadn't read it. I don't think trollfics are interesting. You're just making fun of ponies who are worse writers than you are by making intentional mistakes, which is the worst brand of elitism. It's insulting and mean-spirited, and it isn't funny in any way. And saying in the fic that ponies who downvote it do so "for their personal biases" is a tired, cliche way of insulting anypony that doesn't upvote this stupid crap. I guess your bases are covered. :facehoof:
The fact that cliche tropes and garbage writing is intentional doesn't make it better, it makes it less forgivable. And if you're happy that I'm unhappy at having read this story, then buck you for finding entertainment in harming others.
All that said, the biggest problem is that the underlying story isn't interesting. I do actually appreciate the tremendous amount of technical skill that went into this, but it's still at the bottom of the pile because your story sucks. I'm (actually) sorry.
>>Trick_Question
I would honestly be surprised if you put Ot anywhere else.
Meanwhile, this one is firmly on the bottom of my slate, while Ot is somewhere in the middle, where it makes a convenient border between the stories I didn't like and the stories I liked that actually good.
I would honestly be surprised if you put Ot anywhere else.
Meanwhile, this one is firmly on the bottom of my slate, while Ot is somewhere in the middle, where it makes a convenient border between the stories I didn't like and the stories I liked that actually good.
>>Trick_Question
You're right Trick, I think the sentence in bad French is meant for me. It's a good way to make me realise how terrible I must sound in English. And I dearly apologise for that. I hope I will improve with time.
But well done, author!
You're right Trick, I think the sentence in bad French is meant for me. It's a good way to make me realise how terrible I must sound in English. And I dearly apologise for that. I hope I will improve with time.
But well done, author!
Kinda had to follow the discussion over here from the cactus story. Author, I think you forgot one thing in your list of deliberate provocations: the bait-and-switch of turning this from a list of deliberate provocations into something that tried to have a point. Having that un-lampshaded annoyed me at least as much as any of the tropes you highlight.
... Which, I guess, is a win for you, isn't it? If this story didn't annoy me in some way then I wouldn't have to confront its dilemma. Well, its false dilemma. It seems to assume that knee-jerk bias and objectivity are the only two voting methods, but there's absolutely nothing in the Writeoff rules -- or contest scoring in general -- that requires us to set aside our preferences as we evaluate stories. Readers like me may try to factor more abstract things like theme and tone into their evaluation, but if everyone tried to set aside their personal reaction to a story in favor of "objective" factors, it would break the system; everyone voting personal preference turns story ranking into a straw-poll, but everyone voting up stories they disliked because "it didn't reach me, but I should give it points because other people might like it" would just lead to high scores for well-written stories with nobody in their target audience.
... which is the only way that this story would score highly. Oh! Suddenly that false dichotomy makes a lot more sense. :facehoof:
That said, if it's asking everyone to N/A it, then to me it reads as if the voting discussion is further trolling rather than score-seeking. Which is also why it doesn't feel like it's vote-shaming to me, >>Trick_Question. If I thought it was vote-shaming, I'd throw it in the basement, because low votes are not only a legitimate method of expressing personal preference, they're the only method we have; despite its technically solid prose and construction, I personally voted "Funeral For A Friend" in my bottom three for exactly that reason (cf. >>horizon). But here, I don't feel like it's a reprehensible story (and the fact that you do is a totally legitimate reason to 0% it).
Anyway, based on how I would have voted my N/A would not improve its overall standing, so for any number of reasons, my most reasonable step is to accede to its request.
Tier: Flawed but "Fun"
... Which, I guess, is a win for you, isn't it? If this story didn't annoy me in some way then I wouldn't have to confront its dilemma. Well, its false dilemma. It seems to assume that knee-jerk bias and objectivity are the only two voting methods, but there's absolutely nothing in the Writeoff rules -- or contest scoring in general -- that requires us to set aside our preferences as we evaluate stories. Readers like me may try to factor more abstract things like theme and tone into their evaluation, but if everyone tried to set aside their personal reaction to a story in favor of "objective" factors, it would break the system; everyone voting personal preference turns story ranking into a straw-poll, but everyone voting up stories they disliked because "it didn't reach me, but I should give it points because other people might like it" would just lead to high scores for well-written stories with nobody in their target audience.
... which is the only way that this story would score highly. Oh! Suddenly that false dichotomy makes a lot more sense. :facehoof:
That said, if it's asking everyone to N/A it, then to me it reads as if the voting discussion is further trolling rather than score-seeking. Which is also why it doesn't feel like it's vote-shaming to me, >>Trick_Question. If I thought it was vote-shaming, I'd throw it in the basement, because low votes are not only a legitimate method of expressing personal preference, they're the only method we have; despite its technically solid prose and construction, I personally voted "Funeral For A Friend" in my bottom three for exactly that reason (cf. >>horizon). But here, I don't feel like it's a reprehensible story (and the fact that you do is a totally legitimate reason to 0% it).
Anyway, based on how I would have voted my N/A would not improve its overall standing, so for any number of reasons, my most reasonable step is to accede to its request.
Tier: Flawed but "Fun"
>>The_Letter_J
My aggravation with the Ot prompts and the other two words that shall not be named actually has little to do with how much I dislike that story. If it were interesting or funny, I'd have voted it high. I'm not turned off by meta-humor or bothered by simple references to Writeoff situations. I just don't think it was a good story.
My aggravation with the Ot prompts and the other two words that shall not be named actually has little to do with how much I dislike that story. If it were interesting or funny, I'd have voted it high. I'm not turned off by meta-humor or bothered by simple references to Writeoff situations. I just don't think it was a good story.
Just to be on the safe side:
Everypony, please keep in mind that Trixie gripes tend to be exaggerated. When I sound livid with something, I'm probably only mildly bothered. I don't hate whoever wrote this, and I don't want them to go choke on a bag of buy some apples. I just can't bring myself to move it higher than the stories from authors with low technical ability that actually tried their hardest to tell me something.
Everypony, please keep in mind that Trixie gripes tend to be exaggerated. When I sound livid with something, I'm probably only mildly bothered. I don't hate whoever wrote this, and I don't want them to go choke on a bag of buy some apples. I just can't bring myself to move it higher than the stories from authors with low technical ability that actually tried their hardest to tell me something.
>>Calipony
I didn't read the bad French as an attack on you, and I'm going to be very disappointed in the author if it was. (I'm not seeing any sign in the rest of the story of them singling out any other Writeoff participants -- most of the problems Discord highlights are storytelling decisions that frustrate large portions of readers or otherwise limit your audience but can still lead to a satisfying story if done well, and other often-misused aspects like text gimmicks and prompt drops are hardly unique to any individual author.)
Thing is: "au contraire" is an English phrase too, pulled in as a loaner from French. In English it has the same meaning as French but it carries overtones of pretentiousness or erudition, which seems to fit the situation Discord uses it in (to beat back an accusation of not taking this seriously). And "mon cherry" is probably just a stupid pun on French "cheri" and the cherry fruit, tied in with the sight gag of the Maraschino cherry Luna spits out.
But whatever this author's intentions, you absolutely shouldn't feel bad.
I didn't read the bad French as an attack on you, and I'm going to be very disappointed in the author if it was. (I'm not seeing any sign in the rest of the story of them singling out any other Writeoff participants -- most of the problems Discord highlights are storytelling decisions that frustrate large portions of readers or otherwise limit your audience but can still lead to a satisfying story if done well, and other often-misused aspects like text gimmicks and prompt drops are hardly unique to any individual author.)
Thing is: "au contraire" is an English phrase too, pulled in as a loaner from French. In English it has the same meaning as French but it carries overtones of pretentiousness or erudition, which seems to fit the situation Discord uses it in (to beat back an accusation of not taking this seriously). And "mon cherry" is probably just a stupid pun on French "cheri" and the cherry fruit, tied in with the sight gag of the Maraschino cherry Luna spits out.
But whatever this author's intentions, you absolutely shouldn't feel bad.
>>Trick_Question
Just so we're clear: I am absolutely not trying to shame you for your opinion. When I said "If I thought it was vote-shaming, I'd throw it in the basement," I was trying to say that you have a right to make that judgment and act accordingly, but to explain that my own reaction was different. I've disagreed with practically everyone here this round over some question of textual interpretation, but I'm no authority, and it's pretty clear that there are some things I'm just going to miss. (See: Fluttershy and the cactuses.)
This is pretty much just to say that I hope we're cool.
>>Trick_Question
Don't be silly, I wouldn't break my Writeoff silence on a round I promised not to enter just to drop in a deliberately provocative trollfic!
... Wait, no, that's exactly the sort of stupid stunt I'd pull. :V I wish I *had* written this instead of my entry.
Just so we're clear: I am absolutely not trying to shame you for your opinion. When I said "If I thought it was vote-shaming, I'd throw it in the basement," I was trying to say that you have a right to make that judgment and act accordingly, but to explain that my own reaction was different. I've disagreed with practically everyone here this round over some question of textual interpretation, but I'm no authority, and it's pretty clear that there are some things I'm just going to miss. (See: Fluttershy and the cactuses.)
This is pretty much just to say that I hope we're cool.
>>Trick_Question
Don't be silly, I wouldn't break my Writeoff silence on a round I promised not to enter just to drop in a deliberately provocative trollfic!
... Wait, no, that's exactly the sort of stupid stunt I'd pull. :V I wish I *had* written this instead of my entry.
I knew a Songbird, once. She was a dear friend of mine through high school and college, though I haven't seen or spoken to her since I moved to Colorado several years ago. I mention this because it's why I was a bit more invested in the characters than I ordinarily would have been.
Which is not to say this a bad story, Writer - it certainly tugs at the heartstrings, and I think you accomplished what you set out to do. I'll just second what some ponies have already pointed out and say that, for effect, canon characters may fit better for this format. With a bit of tidying up with the reversal (I think you telegraph it a bit too much with the vague attributions in the second part), this will be a solid story indeed.
Final Thought: Funerals Aren't for the Dead
Which is not to say this a bad story, Writer - it certainly tugs at the heartstrings, and I think you accomplished what you set out to do. I'll just second what some ponies have already pointed out and say that, for effect, canon characters may fit better for this format. With a bit of tidying up with the reversal (I think you telegraph it a bit too much with the vague attributions in the second part), this will be a solid story indeed.
Final Thought: Funerals Aren't for the Dead
>>Cold in Gardez
I'm just going to pretend my name was mentioned twice more so my ghost can show up in the mirror and join this discussion.
My off-the-cuff analysis here is that there's actually two separate narrative/character arcs in this, which is ambitious for a story this short. Daring Do has an arc -- she's confronted with a conflict and makes a decision that shows character (though it does leave her with a bigger problem whose denouement is not shown). Similarly, Pumpernickel has an arc, but I don't read that one as closed. He's characterized as ... I don't know if "cowardly" is fair, but certainly with insufficient bravery for the situation he's in (or at least that's Daring's judgment, because that drives her decision). That conflict is set up, but the trigger isn't pulled: we don't get to see his decision.
It is arguably a complete story on Daring's side, but I think the existence of the other unresolved conflict is what makes it feel incomplete. One possible interpretation would be to Lady Or The Tiger? this and make that ambiguity the point, but we're given so little information about Pumpernickel that that rings kinda hollow to me; that particular sort of deliberate ambiguity would imply that we're intended to make a judgment on his character based on what we know, but there's so little to extrapolate from.All we see is his shaking legs, Daring's inner reassurance of his character, and Daring's action (which tells us that she feels he wouldn't have survived had she left). I think this was probably hampered by the word count -- with an extra 250 words it could have had a scene to give a fuller picture of Pumpernickel, via e.g. non-trap-related conversation -- picture Daring trying to calm him down by talking about his family, for instance -- and then building up to his departure would have felt more like a puzzle, trying to figure out along with Daring what the ultimate outcome would be, in a way we can't really do with the text as written.
Nevertheless, what's here is compelling, and I think this would sidle into TC territory if it stuck the landing on both arcs.
Tier: Solid
Don't be silly, I wouldn't break my Writeoff silence on a round I promised not to enter because I had an idea for an ambitious and densely layered fic that I couldn't get out of my head!
... Wait, no, that's exactly the sort of stupid stunt I'd pull. :V I wish I *had* written this instead of my entry.
I'm just going to pretend my name was mentioned twice more so my ghost can show up in the mirror and join this discussion.
My off-the-cuff analysis here is that there's actually two separate narrative/character arcs in this, which is ambitious for a story this short. Daring Do has an arc -- she's confronted with a conflict and makes a decision that shows character (though it does leave her with a bigger problem whose denouement is not shown). Similarly, Pumpernickel has an arc, but I don't read that one as closed. He's characterized as ... I don't know if "cowardly" is fair, but certainly with insufficient bravery for the situation he's in (or at least that's Daring's judgment, because that drives her decision). That conflict is set up, but the trigger isn't pulled: we don't get to see his decision.
It is arguably a complete story on Daring's side, but I think the existence of the other unresolved conflict is what makes it feel incomplete. One possible interpretation would be to Lady Or The Tiger? this and make that ambiguity the point, but we're given so little information about Pumpernickel that that rings kinda hollow to me; that particular sort of deliberate ambiguity would imply that we're intended to make a judgment on his character based on what we know, but there's so little to extrapolate from.All we see is his shaking legs, Daring's inner reassurance of his character, and Daring's action (which tells us that she feels he wouldn't have survived had she left). I think this was probably hampered by the word count -- with an extra 250 words it could have had a scene to give a fuller picture of Pumpernickel, via e.g. non-trap-related conversation -- picture Daring trying to calm him down by talking about his family, for instance -- and then building up to his departure would have felt more like a puzzle, trying to figure out along with Daring what the ultimate outcome would be, in a way we can't really do with the text as written.
Nevertheless, what's here is compelling, and I think this would sidle into TC territory if it stuck the landing on both arcs.
Tier: Solid
(assuming he didn't write this one himself)
Don't be silly, I wouldn't break my Writeoff silence on a round I promised not to enter because I had an idea for an ambitious and densely layered fic that I couldn't get out of my head!
... Wait, no, that's exactly the sort of stupid stunt I'd pull. :V I wish I *had* written this instead of my entry.
>>horizon
Of course we're cool. You are very nice, and you're also the best author who shares enough of my personality traits for me to connect with psychologically. :V
Of course we're cool. You are very nice, and you're also the best author who shares enough of my personality traits for me to connect with psychologically. :V
I love the beginning, and the end is pretty good too (though like others have said, Rarity's change of opinion should have more leadup.) But the middle part is pretty weak. Maybe part of the problem is just that I got sick of all these immortality blues stories years ago, but I also think that it really doesn't match the tone of the rest of the story and doesn't actually add anything either.
This isn't the best story I've read so far, but it is my favorite, if only because the humor is perfect for me.
This isn't the best story I've read so far, but it is my favorite, if only because the humor is perfect for me.
I think this was supposed to be funny, but it just didn't work for me. All I got was a lot of tension and paranoia building up and then not leading anywhere.
This was about as bland as a factory-made cookie to me. Until that last line, which got a good laugh out of me. This will probably be solidly near the middle of my slate.
Also, I kept on expecting a "Pepper Ridge's Farm remembers" joke.
Also, I kept on expecting a "Pepper Ridge's Farm remembers" joke.
This is a very nice little shipping scene. I did think that it was a good idea to leave the target of Rarity's affections unidentified, and I was left with the impression that there was a bit more to Rarity and Fluttershy's relationship, but I wasn't sure if it was Fluttershy crushing on Rarity or what.
I have no real suggestions to make.
I have no real suggestions to make.
Unfortunately, the comments spoiled the twist before I got around to reading this one, but I'm pretty sure I would have seen it coming anyway.
It's a very good piece, and the bestcriticism nitpick I can come up with is that if all pegasi get sky burials like Rainbow is describing, the others should really be aware of it.
It's a very good piece, and the best
I had to reread the first few paragraphs a few times before I figured them out. It seemed like you were contradicting yourself about Carapace cutting herself off, but I eventually figured it out.
My first thought was that it would end the way it did, but I dismissed that idea because I thought that they would have found a way to check how things were going outside, or that she would have at least felt the giant love wave, but apparently not. I guess Carapace just thought that the changelings' victory was inevitable for some reason.
My first thought was that it would end the way it did, but I dismissed that idea because I thought that they would have found a way to check how things were going outside, or that she would have at least felt the giant love wave, but apparently not. I guess Carapace just thought that the changelings' victory was inevitable for some reason.
Don't have much to add to the discussion here: You gave me a good laugh at the punchline, but beyond that I feel pretty much the same as Horizon about this.
I'll say, though, that some of the grammar and a lot of the word choices and sentence structure seemed really odd, and the idea you're pushing in the second paragraph is mis-aimed. If Twilight had showed up in a wetsuit and snorkel, I'd know she was taking it less seriously (and by the end, I'd have fully appreciated her point) than if she was in her royal regalia, which is serious business for royalty, jah?
>>horizon
It's a long way off, but I'll be glad to shoot you a reminder when the next FiM minific rolls around. ;) We just need to hammer our votes at a seriously pervy-trollfic-encouraging prompt and make it so. To maintain reasonable doubt, you understand. :D
I'll say, though, that some of the grammar and a lot of the word choices and sentence structure seemed really odd, and the idea you're pushing in the second paragraph is mis-aimed. If Twilight had showed up in a wetsuit and snorkel, I'd know she was taking it less seriously (and by the end, I'd have fully appreciated her point) than if she was in her royal regalia, which is serious business for royalty, jah?
>>horizon
Clearly I need to add pervy trollfic to my meta to wreak havoc with the guessing brigade. :V
It's a long way off, but I'll be glad to shoot you a reminder when the next FiM minific rolls around. ;) We just need to hammer our votes at a seriously pervy-trollfic-encouraging prompt and make it so. To maintain reasonable doubt, you understand. :D
>>Calipony
I viewed the French as a pun, not a personal attack on any writers. "Au contraire mon cheri," is sometimes used in English conversations.
I viewed the French as a pun, not a personal attack on any writers. "Au contraire mon cheri," is sometimes used in English conversations.
Well, the teleportation death joke was funny, but you kind of lost me after that. I mean, I know what the story is supposed to be about, but it was just kind of "eh" to me.
And I still don't understand what Pinkie was saying about the scorch marks being on top of the floor.
And I still don't understand what Pinkie was saying about the scorch marks being on top of the floor.
>>horizon
Two separate narrative arcs in a minific? That's a higher bar than I hope I'm ever confronted with.
Two separate narrative arcs in a minific? That's a higher bar than I hope I'm ever confronted with.
>>Haze
I suppose I had that coming. :-P
I dunno though, I really thought that third one was da bomb! :trollestia:
I suppose I had that coming. :-P
I dunno though, I really thought that third one was da bomb! :trollestia:
I felt a great disturbance in the Writeoff, as if dozens of ponies had suddenly cried ot in terror, and were suddenly silenced. I warned you all this would happen! Oh well, they'll make more of them.
Anyway, now that Writeoff has gotten that fibrous nugget ot of its system, we can all finally relax and write stories that everyone will love equally. :trollestia:
Finally I must add (yes I must):
Clearly you left out the most intrinsically vile, flat, boring, and emptiness-defining black hole of literary human caricatures: Anon. This is so obvious a miss that it's clearly deliberate! No doubt it was your plan to achieve our awareness of this by its flagrant omission from this story.
Well-played, you horrible person.
Anyway, now that Writeoff has gotten that fibrous nugget ot of its system, we can all finally relax and write stories that everyone will love equally. :trollestia:
Finally I must add (yes I must):
Every possible thing I could do to alienate the audience, I'll do.
Clearly you left out the most intrinsically vile, flat, boring, and emptiness-defining black hole of literary human caricatures: Anon. This is so obvious a miss that it's clearly deliberate! No doubt it was your plan to achieve our awareness of this by its flagrant omission from this story.
Well-played, you horrible person.
>>CoffeeMinion None of which I've read yet. I'll give them a read before the timeout tomorrow. :)
Lots of nitpicks, and I'm afraid I'm just repeating previous commenters with them, but I'll do it anyway: this has some canonical timeline issues in the obtainment of cutie marks and in the fact that there seems to be no real indicator that Pinkie Pie ever changed names in the eyes of her family.
Moving on from those, I find it hard to buy that the acquisition of a cutie mark would be cause for a solemn and funerary type of ceremony when it's clearly considered an ubiquitously joyous occasion among ponies.
Finally, I did find it hard to figure out exactly what was going on, and it seemed intentional. It wasn't a terrible execution, or so wholly undecipherable that I was completely lost, but I was left with a sense of deliberated effort toward withholding information to attempt a twist that may have been a little artificial and out of place.
The objective quality of the writing was fine, other than the use of two hyphens where an en or em dash would have been called for instead, which is a stylistic element that many authors tend to execute incorrectly. There's no convention for how to handle dashes in the writeoff style guide, but I'm actually borderline thinking that there should be, since it's a difference that could, under some circumstances, possibly tip off author identities (or at least eliminate certain authors as candidates to have written certain pieces of work). I don't know, it probably doesn't matter. Maybe I just take forensics and analysis too seriously or something.
Moving on from those, I find it hard to buy that the acquisition of a cutie mark would be cause for a solemn and funerary type of ceremony when it's clearly considered an ubiquitously joyous occasion among ponies.
Finally, I did find it hard to figure out exactly what was going on, and it seemed intentional. It wasn't a terrible execution, or so wholly undecipherable that I was completely lost, but I was left with a sense of deliberated effort toward withholding information to attempt a twist that may have been a little artificial and out of place.
The objective quality of the writing was fine, other than the use of two hyphens where an en or em dash would have been called for instead, which is a stylistic element that many authors tend to execute incorrectly. There's no convention for how to handle dashes in the writeoff style guide, but I'm actually borderline thinking that there should be, since it's a difference that could, under some circumstances, possibly tip off author identities (or at least eliminate certain authors as candidates to have written certain pieces of work). I don't know, it probably doesn't matter. Maybe I just take forensics and analysis too seriously or something.
I'm not finding a lot of subtle or nuanced examination beyond the obvious surface of the story, and Rainbow's not really clicking with me here. I think this is a case of the author confusing Rainbow's often shortsightedness for outright ignorance / stupidity, which are not the same thing. Twilight tries to explain something that should be pretty well known, especially to someone familiar with athletics and the possible risks of injury associated with them, and it just bounces off Rainbow's apparently too-thick skull over and over again without ever really sinking in. It leaves me feeling like there was something started in the way of a story, but as executed, there just weren't enough words inside the limit to get it to where it's really interesting. Don't despair, though, because this could easily be the basis of something to expand on after the writeoff, and with a little bit of adjustment, I think there's something worth exploring here.
I guess I'll just echo what's been said: overplayed joke in the first 4/5ths or so, underplayed implications in the last part.
Cakelestia is kind of trite at this point, and plays okay for comedy but doesn't lend itself to then suddenly shifting and trying to show Celestia as a subtle, wise matchmaker / schemer-behind-the-scenes.
This story's focus on what it wants to be is a little too mixed. It either needs adjustment to be straight-up well executed comedy or a light drama of well-intentioned romantic meddling, or it needs more room than the minific word limit to make that shift without feeling conflicted internally.
Cakelestia is kind of trite at this point, and plays okay for comedy but doesn't lend itself to then suddenly shifting and trying to show Celestia as a subtle, wise matchmaker / schemer-behind-the-scenes.
This story's focus on what it wants to be is a little too mixed. It either needs adjustment to be straight-up well executed comedy or a light drama of well-intentioned romantic meddling, or it needs more room than the minific word limit to make that shift without feeling conflicted internally.
Ugh. Stopped at the intro. I don't think I can take something opening with a meta-gimmicky feel seriously enough to give it a fair examination / evaluation. Maybe the author was just having fun, buuuuuuuut it doesn't work for me.
Yes, I feel snobby, and I'm sorry, but it's just not what I'm looking for.
Yes, I feel snobby, and I'm sorry, but it's just not what I'm looking for.
The ending was hilarious! Good thing I wasn't at work, because my usual answer of 'science fiction' to "What are you reading?" would probably not have worked well since I was laughing so hard. And on re-read (knowing the punchline), the previous bits that weren't quite explicable came to light and also became hilarious. Nice job. :)
That aside, my gripes are minimal and I'll leave the most minor ones out: I'll side with >>TitaniumDragon here: a little more humor and wordplay in the beginning might have made this story work better, though honestly I'm not sure that the ending would have come off quite as well without that slow curve up to the finish.
I was also brought briefly out of the story at the worst possible moment with your use of the word ass. I'm on the fence about that, too: I think you can do better than that, and potentially make this even funnier, but on the other hand it still makes me laugh. I'll be interested in seeing the FiM publish if you decide to do that.
That aside, my gripes are minimal and I'll leave the most minor ones out: I'll side with >>TitaniumDragon here: a little more humor and wordplay in the beginning might have made this story work better, though honestly I'm not sure that the ending would have come off quite as well without that slow curve up to the finish.
I was also brought briefly out of the story at the worst possible moment with your use of the word ass. I'm on the fence about that, too: I think you can do better than that, and potentially make this even funnier, but on the other hand it still makes me laugh. I'll be interested in seeing the FiM publish if you decide to do that.
Enjoyable, no complaints. Also, 'Blueblood is a twat' is a theme that has shown up in two of the stories I've read. I guess some people find more story potential out of him than I do, XD
>>horizon
>>Cold in Gardez
Well, you know, Trick saw in this fic a bad joke against unskilled authors, and since I don't especially have a high esteem neither of me nor of what I write, it was easy to take this particular fragment as targeting me personally. I'm a bit on the self-lashing side, but I guess you had noticed :|
>>Cold in Gardez
Well, you know, Trick saw in this fic a bad joke against unskilled authors, and since I don't especially have a high esteem neither of me nor of what I write, it was easy to take this particular fragment as targeting me personally. I'm a bit on the self-lashing side, but I guess you had noticed :|
I didn't have too much trouble figuring out who was speaking when, but the all-dialogue format isn't a favorite technique of mine. It loses a lot of nuance of body language, movements, intonation, and so forth, and those are details that really paint a lot of the picture in the kinds of character interaction that I like to see.
Of course, the whole being dead thing maybe makes that more complicated, so I guess I should cut some slack for that.
I also think that the going-off-to-war story is a little trite and overplayed as a trope in general, and would need both an excellent execution and some unique aspect about it to make a piece really stand out these days.
Of course, the whole being dead thing maybe makes that more complicated, so I guess I should cut some slack for that.
I also think that the going-off-to-war story is a little trite and overplayed as a trope in general, and would need both an excellent execution and some unique aspect about it to make a piece really stand out these days.
This feels like the first third to half of a story and frustrates me by cutting off just when the climax might be approaching. That's the major flaw I find here - the lack of having reached anywhere satisfying.
On more minor points, I'm also wondering how Rainbow Dash confuses another pony's voice for Lightning, how it could be possible that nopony has ever quit the Wonderbolts academy (this seems like an elite team, probably with a high, and certainly not zero, dropout rate), and how Spitfire's gaze can really be seen to be stern if her eyes are hidden behind sunglasses. A lot of little details like these add up to an overall sense of this story needing some revision and polishing before it's going to shine.
I'm also a bit concerned that it doesn't really do anything uniquely exploratory with the incident, going at it from some facet not covered in the episode - it's just sort of a retelling of the familiar in a little more detail. I think it needs to find what it has to say that's new and unexamined about this situation Rainbow finds herself in, then you'll be on to something.
On more minor points, I'm also wondering how Rainbow Dash confuses another pony's voice for Lightning, how it could be possible that nopony has ever quit the Wonderbolts academy (this seems like an elite team, probably with a high, and certainly not zero, dropout rate), and how Spitfire's gaze can really be seen to be stern if her eyes are hidden behind sunglasses. A lot of little details like these add up to an overall sense of this story needing some revision and polishing before it's going to shine.
I'm also a bit concerned that it doesn't really do anything uniquely exploratory with the incident, going at it from some facet not covered in the episode - it's just sort of a retelling of the familiar in a little more detail. I think it needs to find what it has to say that's new and unexamined about this situation Rainbow finds herself in, then you'll be on to something.
Georg's First Round Micro Reviews for It’s Your Funeral: Scores are letter grades for Plot, Technical Work, and Characterization, with an E for stories I find particularly Enjoyable. I have them ranked by how I like them, not necessarily how perfect they are on the score. (and posted all at once, from top to bottom so they line up on the chat.
Pie to Pie - A quality all the way here. A nice peek into the Pie family and their traditions. I can see them doing this for every member of the family who gets their cutie mark, but for Pinkie it is particularly appropriate. In a way, gaining a cutie mark is the death of the old markless pony and the birth of a new pony with a destiny.
Pie to Pie - A quality all the way here. A nice peek into the Pie family and their traditions. I can see them doing this for every member of the family who gets their cutie mark, but for Pinkie it is particularly appropriate. In a way, gaining a cutie mark is the death of the old markless pony and the birth of a new pony with a destiny.
Cursed Be He That Moves My Bones - A quality material here, although my inner pedant says ‘That’ should be ‘Who’ in the title. Intriguing plot even though I’m not normally much for Dark fics, and held me to my seat while reading. Goes right up into the top collection. Darnit, now I’m going to have problems sleeping tonight. (Hi CiG or TD, although I'm leaning to CiG for this one)
A Curious Case of Immortality- A good, but not fantastic funny about life and death and alicorns. Still, it is both interesting and humorous (a difficult task in itself) to warrant being placed in the A category. I suspect from Spike’s brief appearance and a number of shortened sections, this story hit the length limit hard, and I’m going to be interested in seeing what it looks like when expanded and posted.
That Which Remains - A quality story about Luna attempting to bury the past here, cramped by lack of space. Probably would have done better at the 2k word mark, because emotional whiplash hits with so many shifts in so few words.
Requiem - A- It was hard to pick up the location at first, then following along the plot thread, since both parties were certainly attempting to deceive. Still, it kept my attention, and I can’t help but wonder if this is the trap that got the sirens caught by Starswirl and tossed into the other world.
Happy Deathday to You - B+ with a few technical errors and some stilted dialogue, but at least we could see where it was going and what it was going to do when it got there. The concept behind the story is worthwhile, and I expect this to be expanded into a regular site story, author, or I shall be miffed.
Turning In Your Wings - B+ overall, technically stable but really not much there to hook a reader and drag them into the story. Less of a plot line and more of a point.
Misplaced - All dialogue, so this will be a higher difficulty routine. And it’s a metafic based off of one of the major early fics. That cranks the difficulty up even higher and… It falls flat. Like going for a triple-axel and faceplanting. Afraid I can only give this one a B+ (the plus is for effort)
Thanks for the Donation - B quality here. The concept is interesting, but clumsy in execution, and the use of the odd POV doesn’t help. The surroundings are not well defined, the characters are mushy, and it seems stilted, BUT some of that may be just because of time pressure. Still, I can’t judge more than a B.
Yalta - B- due to heavy-hooved writing, holding the drama far longer than needed, and classic stereotyping. Now pull this train of thought over to the side of the road while I write a ticket. Seriously, there’s lots of room for improvement here, but your basic plotline is more of a line segment.
Pyre - Another all-dialogue story between Spike and Rarity. I smell shipping in the works. Let’s see how it goes. And… Third place in my IDGI (I Don’t Get It) award shelf, as in I could follow most of the dialogue but it really didn’t go anywhere or show anything, leaving me at the end wondering just what that was. B- (the minus is for the lack of signposts on this road)
Twas Just a Prank - B - Really, a typo in the first line? Not a bad concept, but not well carried out. It could be expanded, but it would need to be cleaned up and organised to be more clear or it will just be long and complex rather than short and complex. Clarifying the characters and defining the conflict better would help.
So Great And Powerful - Hm. A fake music review gimmick to imply certain historical actions by Vinyl Scratch, although the actions are not described, the situation not clarified, and the reader left to wander around trying to pick up the pieces. Seems like the author confused complexity with depth. Still, the technical work is fairly good, and there is a fair amount of creativity in it, so I can’t complain too much.
Celestia’s Fun-er-al - B- with second place in my IDGI (I Don’t Get It) award contest. All dialogue and no context makes Georg wonder just where this is going and what it’s going to do when it gets there. The answer is not much and not much. Still, at least it had a point.
Fluttershy and the Cactuses - First place winner of the IDGI award. (I Don’t Get It). C+ overall with passive voice and unattributed dialogue. Not weird/good, just weird/what? Even explained, I don’t think I could score it any higher. Seriously, what was this?
Other than the mispelling of lich giving me an itch I couldn't scritch in the noggin, this was fun. I liked it. Really, this could be a good series of linked scenes dealing with this premise.
This works better with pre-S5 DT. Because she's not a butt anymore, it doesn't really work. Also yea, Celestia should be better at commanding crowds. She's Celestia, not Jeb Bush.
Besides, we already have a much better Trump - The FlimFlam brothers.
Besides, we already have a much better Trump - The FlimFlam brothers.
At first I felt this was 'Jesus Christ, the Pony, has been resurrected'. Then it was just...Twilight having a bad dream. I think, maybe, this premise could be made better? But, right now, all it feels like is 'Just a bad dream' which isn't exactly the strongest material to be working with.
It's never really explained why Bluewisp decided to punch Blueblood in the face for his comment. I mean, it can be implied, but it seems a bit radical when he was tolerating him just fine seconds before.
Like the others say, it's trying to be a comedy but isn't nearly goofy/extreme enough. Therefore the ending, with the guards not listening to Blueblood, comes off as weird because the world seems fairly normal.
Like the others say, it's trying to be a comedy but isn't nearly goofy/extreme enough. Therefore the ending, with the guards not listening to Blueblood, comes off as weird because the world seems fairly normal.
Cute but like the others say, somewhat confusing.
I think adding in a mention of the attic door opening with a slam might help. Gets across where the two parties are and that the sisters are more angry than distraught (and therefore it'll help people realize the CMC ain't dead).
I think adding in a mention of the attic door opening with a slam might help. Gets across where the two parties are and that the sisters are more angry than distraught (and therefore it'll help people realize the CMC ain't dead).
Script format is a little odd. I'm not sure what benefit it provides to this story, other than just freeing up more words for dialogue.
And why would Luna want to be alone for thousands of years doing... not much at all, really. I don't get it, sorry!
And why would Luna want to be alone for thousands of years doing... not much at all, really. I don't get it, sorry!
There's something going on here but it's confused. Seems like it's lost in translation, y'know? I can taste a good twist on the tip of my tongue but then it just gets lost and confused.
Unlike the others, I don't actually mind Anon. But the use of Anon is for a very specific audience, that being wish fulfilment. Anon isn't really a character. I mean, he is, but the use of Anon as a name allows readers to put themselves in Anon's shoes very easily. There are themes in here that make sense for an Anon story though, so I don't think Anon's use is out of place here. For example, there's the theme of longing for a special someone that you know doesn't exist. (>tfw she's not real, etc.)
However I can't say the Writeoff community will really appreciate Anon. It's very niche, at best.
Unlike the others, I don't actually mind Anon. But the use of Anon is for a very specific audience, that being wish fulfilment. Anon isn't really a character. I mean, he is, but the use of Anon as a name allows readers to put themselves in Anon's shoes very easily. There are themes in here that make sense for an Anon story though, so I don't think Anon's use is out of place here. For example, there's the theme of longing for a special someone that you know doesn't exist. (>tfw she's not real, etc.)
However I can't say the Writeoff community will really appreciate Anon. It's very niche, at best.
Very pretty, but ultimately bland.
Sounds like an ideal girl AMIRITE BOIIIIIIS?
(I'm tired, I'm sorry)
Sounds like an ideal girl AMIRITE BOIIIIIIS?
(I'm tired, I'm sorry)
Well, we're coming up on the end of prelims, so I think it's time to kick off the traditional story mashups!
I Guess It Wasn't Misplaced — When an extradimensional monstrosity accidentally loses an adorable filly in a box, Octavia and Lyra have their concert's new opening act.
An Awesome Funeral For A Friend — After finding out that Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom actually didn't die in the epic rocket sled crash, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Applejack decide to hold the funeral anyway, and just use it to mourn the death of "The Crusaders' Chances Of Ever Being Not Grounded Again".
Power Of Obsolete Farm Equipment — "Twilight, since we're goin' all in on resistin' industrialization, I need a loan fer an insurance policy on Kicks McGee. You'll cosign fer me, right? ... Twilight? Will ya?"
Mt. Saint Rx — Baking five or six loaves of bread could be lethal. Ten or more, no question, you'd pass out and never wake up. So of course Twilight Sparkle takes that literally, and avoids overdose by baking a single loaf of bread the size of a volcano.
Stuck Inside Of The Once And Future Princess Of Equestria — A human scientist completes a program to unleash living, breathing MLP ponies upon Earth, but the world is saved from apocalypse when Diamond Tiara steps out of his biotubes and insults the Cutie Mark-less venture capitalists backing the project.
The Equestrian Cactuses — Diamond Tiara starts an insurgent political campaign to be elected Princess — and knowing that no publicity is bad publicity, cuts a video with P-Hub and Brazzers, in which they put some yuuuuuuge bricks in her wall okay I'm stopping there
I Guess It Wasn't Misplaced — When an extradimensional monstrosity accidentally loses an adorable filly in a box, Octavia and Lyra have their concert's new opening act.
An Awesome Funeral For A Friend — After finding out that Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom actually didn't die in the epic rocket sled crash, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Applejack decide to hold the funeral anyway, and just use it to mourn the death of "The Crusaders' Chances Of Ever Being Not Grounded Again".
Power Of Obsolete Farm Equipment — "Twilight, since we're goin' all in on resistin' industrialization, I need a loan fer an insurance policy on Kicks McGee. You'll cosign fer me, right? ... Twilight? Will ya?"
Mt. Saint Rx — Baking five or six loaves of bread could be lethal. Ten or more, no question, you'd pass out and never wake up. So of course Twilight Sparkle takes that literally, and avoids overdose by baking a single loaf of bread the size of a volcano.
Stuck Inside Of The Once And Future Princess Of Equestria — A human scientist completes a program to unleash living, breathing MLP ponies upon Earth, but the world is saved from apocalypse when Diamond Tiara steps out of his biotubes and insults the Cutie Mark-less venture capitalists backing the project.
The Equestrian Cactuses — Diamond Tiara starts an insurgent political campaign to be elected Princess — and knowing that no publicity is bad publicity, cuts a video with P-Hub and Brazzers, in which they put some yuuuuuuge bricks in her wall okay I'm stopping there
I agree with a lot of the criticisms here, especially with what Calipony said about this feeling less like Twilight and more like the CMC doing some silly experiment. On the other hand, I liked the idea, plus I absolutely loved the punchline! It honestly made me laugh out loud, and it was my favorite ending of all the stories on my slate.
Needs some work, but there's the potential for greatness in this one.
Needs some work, but there's the potential for greatness in this one.
>>horizon
Merry Turn: The Ghost of Hearth's Warming Yet to Be helps Pinkie make sure her friends will follow her wishes for her funeral.
Rainbow Dash Enters the Writeoff With Fibrous Ot Nuggets OF EMOTION: Rainbow Dash and Discord team up to shatter the fourth wall like it was the sound barrier.
The Patience of Sand: Daring Do is not having a good week.
Dying for the Center of Attention: Fleetfoot and Trixie compete to see who can steal more attention from the deceased.
We Only Live Beneath Rosemary Manor: Once their secret is revealed, Lyra, Bonbon, and the changelings hunker down in siege conditions for a week before realizing that nopony in Ponyville particularly cares.
Merry Turn: The Ghost of Hearth's Warming Yet to Be helps Pinkie make sure her friends will follow her wishes for her funeral.
Rainbow Dash Enters the Writeoff With Fibrous Ot Nuggets OF EMOTION: Rainbow Dash and Discord team up to shatter the fourth wall like it was the sound barrier.
The Patience of Sand: Daring Do is not having a good week.
Dying for the Center of Attention: Fleetfoot and Trixie compete to see who can steal more attention from the deceased.
We Only Live Beneath Rosemary Manor: Once their secret is revealed, Lyra, Bonbon, and the changelings hunker down in siege conditions for a week before realizing that nopony in Ponyville particularly cares.
I would just like to echo what Horizon said, because I had pretty much the exact same thought. I think I get the effect that you were going for (that considering all the death and destruction, it's a miracle that Twilight managed to save somepony, and it's a mark of what a truly great pony she is that she would risk her life like this). But the feeling is somewhat marred just by the sheer scale of the disaster -- though I also think that even simply having her spare more of a thought for all the ponies she couldn't save would go a long way towards fixing this. It would make the life of the one pony she did save seem all the more special and miraculous.
Also, there were some pretty dodgy descriptions in this. For instance, I had a hard time imagining the airship beating like a giant heart, plus there was the line about 'witnessing a genesis', which, like others have said, felt very unnatural. Also, be careful of describing Twilight as 'finding herself barren', since it makes it sounds like she can't have kids or something... unless that was the whole point? The heavy focus on finding new life makes me feel that might be the case, especially the line 'She remembers the joy of finding a spark in a place all thought barren,' right before pulling a living, breathing foal right out of said place. Either way, it needs work: if it was intentional, then it needs to be clearer that this is something Twilight actively worries about, otherwise the whole metaphor has little impact; if it wasn't intentional, then it needs to be toned down to stop schmucks like myself from reaching entirely the wrong conclusion about your story.
But! For all the problems I had with this, I also enjoyed it, and I placed it near the very top of my slate. Like, it's not perfect, but it's better than a lot of stories which are technically perfect... if that makes sense? There's real emotion and excitement here, plus when you get the descriptions right, they're extremely evocative ('The smoke is a tight spiral, and then stretches long and languid overhead, a snake uncoiling in the sky'). Plus I found the ending touching, and I disagree that there needs to be something special about the foal to make their life worth saving. It's enough that they're still alive -- that alone makes them special.
Also, there were some pretty dodgy descriptions in this. For instance, I had a hard time imagining the airship beating like a giant heart, plus there was the line about 'witnessing a genesis', which, like others have said, felt very unnatural. Also, be careful of describing Twilight as 'finding herself barren', since it makes it sounds like she can't have kids or something... unless that was the whole point? The heavy focus on finding new life makes me feel that might be the case, especially the line 'She remembers the joy of finding a spark in a place all thought barren,' right before pulling a living, breathing foal right out of said place. Either way, it needs work: if it was intentional, then it needs to be clearer that this is something Twilight actively worries about, otherwise the whole metaphor has little impact; if it wasn't intentional, then it needs to be toned down to stop schmucks like myself from reaching entirely the wrong conclusion about your story.
But! For all the problems I had with this, I also enjoyed it, and I placed it near the very top of my slate. Like, it's not perfect, but it's better than a lot of stories which are technically perfect... if that makes sense? There's real emotion and excitement here, plus when you get the descriptions right, they're extremely evocative ('The smoke is a tight spiral, and then stretches long and languid overhead, a snake uncoiling in the sky'). Plus I found the ending touching, and I disagree that there needs to be something special about the foal to make their life worth saving. It's enough that they're still alive -- that alone makes them special.
And interesting character piece. The bit with Filthy rich could use a bit of polish and expansion. What exactly was Diamond doing when she was writing that caused a "racket?" And his response to a crying filly saying she doesn't want to die is "You're not dying, silly." and a pat on the head? It's clearly an artifact of the word limit, but it's still a bit jarring.
I like the characterization though. Pretty well done, all in all.
I like the characterization though. Pretty well done, all in all.
I'm sorry, but I just can't get into this one. It more or less boils down to Time Travel, and it's very hard to write a time travel story that makes sense, at least IMHO. It's a tough bar to pass, and I'm afraid this fic doesn't make it.
First off, the fic begins with Twilight angrily shouting questions at Celestia. While that's not out of the question for her, without seeing some explanation or buildup for how things have reached this point, it seems very OOC. Then Celestia hints at the existence of a spell to tell if you're immortal or not, but then tries to convince Twilight "All Knowledge Must Be Mine" Sparkle not to learn it. You'd think she'd know her prized student / fellow alicorn a bit better than that.
And then there's all the details of the spell. Once you've cast it, and know the future, the future is cast in stone? Starswirl the Bearded cast it, saw his funeral, and thus was prevented from or unable to become an Alicorn and immortal? How does that make a lick of sense?
So apparently, everyone had absolute free will, and the future was a wide open field of possibilities... right up until the first time someone cast this spell. Then, WHAM, the future was locked in and everyone is trapped in their destinies, which will lead up to the funeral of whoever cast it? Good job breaking free will Celestia/Luna/Starswirl.
And Celestia cast the spell, and didn't see a funeral for herself... Which makes her think she's immortal, or that the spell has a time limit of 19k years or so. Where the hell did she pull the 19k years number from? Also, she doesn't mention Luna's results.. So, does that mean that Luna is gonna drop dead sometime in the next 19k years?
All in all, logical inconsistencies large enough to drive a bus through. Which is more or less part for the course with time travel stories I'm afraid. The base concept of Twilight wondering if she's immortal or not is interesting, and the writing is pretty good. But the whole time travel / fate thing just doesn't work for me in general. Sorry!
First off, the fic begins with Twilight angrily shouting questions at Celestia. While that's not out of the question for her, without seeing some explanation or buildup for how things have reached this point, it seems very OOC. Then Celestia hints at the existence of a spell to tell if you're immortal or not, but then tries to convince Twilight "All Knowledge Must Be Mine" Sparkle not to learn it. You'd think she'd know her prized student / fellow alicorn a bit better than that.
And then there's all the details of the spell. Once you've cast it, and know the future, the future is cast in stone? Starswirl the Bearded cast it, saw his funeral, and thus was prevented from or unable to become an Alicorn and immortal? How does that make a lick of sense?
So apparently, everyone had absolute free will, and the future was a wide open field of possibilities... right up until the first time someone cast this spell. Then, WHAM, the future was locked in and everyone is trapped in their destinies, which will lead up to the funeral of whoever cast it? Good job breaking free will Celestia/Luna/Starswirl.
And Celestia cast the spell, and didn't see a funeral for herself... Which makes her think she's immortal, or that the spell has a time limit of 19k years or so. Where the hell did she pull the 19k years number from? Also, she doesn't mention Luna's results.. So, does that mean that Luna is gonna drop dead sometime in the next 19k years?
All in all, logical inconsistencies large enough to drive a bus through. Which is more or less part for the course with time travel stories I'm afraid. The base concept of Twilight wondering if she's immortal or not is interesting, and the writing is pretty good. But the whole time travel / fate thing just doesn't work for me in general. Sorry!
This was...kinda surreal.
I assume it was going for horror, but I really never felt horrified or creeped out by it. I suspected it was a dream or hallucination or spirit quest or some such pretty quickly. And the realization that "This isn't real" tends to rob the scenario of much of it's tension. If the location / circumstances had been a bit more realistic (a memorial in Canterlot or somesuch perhaps?) and twilight had been a bit more confused. ("What do you mean it's me? It can't be me, I'm here. And there are five coffins!") you might have been unable to create and drag out a bit more sense of unease.
The remains of all her friends being alicornified, and then merging into her corpse was an interesting bit though... There's quite a bit of symbolism there. After all, what is Twilight without her friends? It's those connections that make her what she is. If her friends die, do parts of Twilight die too? Will she be the same pony after their passing? Is anyone the same person they used to be years ago? Some interesting philosophical points could be brought up and made.
Of course, with only 750 words, we don't get any of that. Just a surreal setup, and then Twilight waking up. So I'm afraid that I'm mostly just scratching my head on this one...
I assume it was going for horror, but I really never felt horrified or creeped out by it. I suspected it was a dream or hallucination or spirit quest or some such pretty quickly. And the realization that "This isn't real" tends to rob the scenario of much of it's tension. If the location / circumstances had been a bit more realistic (a memorial in Canterlot or somesuch perhaps?) and twilight had been a bit more confused. ("What do you mean it's me? It can't be me, I'm here. And there are five coffins!") you might have been unable to create and drag out a bit more sense of unease.
The remains of all her friends being alicornified, and then merging into her corpse was an interesting bit though... There's quite a bit of symbolism there. After all, what is Twilight without her friends? It's those connections that make her what she is. If her friends die, do parts of Twilight die too? Will she be the same pony after their passing? Is anyone the same person they used to be years ago? Some interesting philosophical points could be brought up and made.
Of course, with only 750 words, we don't get any of that. Just a surreal setup, and then Twilight waking up. So I'm afraid that I'm mostly just scratching my head on this one...
>>CoffeeMinion
I agree with absolutely everything you just wrote. O.o
It starts off stupid and annoying, then get's deep, but pretentious... And still annoying. Yet it's also really clever, because it correctly predicts the readers (or at least my) reactions and responses... It's horrible, but it's intentionally horrible in a rather clever, thought provoking way... Or at least a conversation provoking way...
It's definitely not top contender material... But at the same time, it deserves some recognition, so it [i]probably[i] doesn't belong on the bottom of my slate... And Abstaining on it seems like a cop out...
Why did you [i]write[i] this thing, you MONSTER?!? O.o
I agree with absolutely everything you just wrote. O.o
It starts off stupid and annoying, then get's deep, but pretentious... And still annoying. Yet it's also really clever, because it correctly predicts the readers (or at least my) reactions and responses... It's horrible, but it's intentionally horrible in a rather clever, thought provoking way... Or at least a conversation provoking way...
It's definitely not top contender material... But at the same time, it deserves some recognition, so it [i]probably[i] doesn't belong on the bottom of my slate... And Abstaining on it seems like a cop out...
Why did you [i]write[i] this thing, you MONSTER?!? O.o
Okay, this? This I loved.
I mean, it's just about perfect! The characters are all pretty much in character... This sounds like a perfectly reasonable solution that Twilight might have come up with. Rarity appearing with a fatal injury, and being more concerned about appearances than her morality...
And that final bit with Pinkie! Brilliant!
In short, I loved it. I'm only halfway through my slate so far, but as of now this has definitely earned the top spot. ;)
I mean, it's just about perfect! The characters are all pretty much in character... This sounds like a perfectly reasonable solution that Twilight might have come up with. Rarity appearing with a fatal injury, and being more concerned about appearances than her morality...
And that final bit with Pinkie! Brilliant!
In short, I loved it. I'm only halfway through my slate so far, but as of now this has definitely earned the top spot. ;)
I'm afraid I don't quite see the point of this one.
Rainbow Dash is worried, because Fluttershy is going home to Cloudsdale to talk to her mother about.... what exactly? The fact that she's living on the ground in an earth pony town? Or maybe that she's in a relationship with Dash? I'm leaning towards the former explanation, but it is left a touch vague. It's made very clear that Fluttershy's mother is a massive bitch, and at the very least verbally abusive to Fluttershy, if not worse.
But despite that, Fluttershy is going home to tell her mother that she lives in Ponyville now... Which she's been doing for at least a month, since (Rainbow's dad?) told her a month ago. But Fluttershy wants to tell her herself. Alone. For reasons we're never given.
All of this is actually rather interesting. It raises a lot of questions that could be answered in a much longer fic. Is her mother the reason Fluttershy is so shy? When and how did she leave home? How long has she been in Ponyville? Did she run away and not tell her mother where she was living to avoid her? Her mother was told where she lived by Rainbow's dad a month ago... Why did she never come to visit Fluttershy? And how are Fluttershy's and Rainbow's parents connected? There's a lot of great potential here!
And then we reach the end, which is.. Rainbow being worried, and Fluttershy finally returning in tears. Because her mom is a bitch. And... that's it. I at least expected the twist that her mother had died while she was away or some such. It would have been clichéd, but at least it would be more interesting than "everything happened exactly as expected." Which I suppose it a subversion in it's own way... But a kinda boring one.
Author, take the first half of this story, and then build a full sized fic answering some of the fascinating questions it brings up. I'd definitely read it. As it stands though? The ending is really pretty lackluster.
Rainbow Dash is worried, because Fluttershy is going home to Cloudsdale to talk to her mother about.... what exactly? The fact that she's living on the ground in an earth pony town? Or maybe that she's in a relationship with Dash? I'm leaning towards the former explanation, but it is left a touch vague. It's made very clear that Fluttershy's mother is a massive bitch, and at the very least verbally abusive to Fluttershy, if not worse.
But despite that, Fluttershy is going home to tell her mother that she lives in Ponyville now... Which she's been doing for at least a month, since (Rainbow's dad?) told her a month ago. But Fluttershy wants to tell her herself. Alone. For reasons we're never given.
All of this is actually rather interesting. It raises a lot of questions that could be answered in a much longer fic. Is her mother the reason Fluttershy is so shy? When and how did she leave home? How long has she been in Ponyville? Did she run away and not tell her mother where she was living to avoid her? Her mother was told where she lived by Rainbow's dad a month ago... Why did she never come to visit Fluttershy? And how are Fluttershy's and Rainbow's parents connected? There's a lot of great potential here!
And then we reach the end, which is.. Rainbow being worried, and Fluttershy finally returning in tears. Because her mom is a bitch. And... that's it. I at least expected the twist that her mother had died while she was away or some such. It would have been clichéd, but at least it would be more interesting than "everything happened exactly as expected." Which I suppose it a subversion in it's own way... But a kinda boring one.
Author, take the first half of this story, and then build a full sized fic answering some of the fascinating questions it brings up. I'd definitely read it. As it stands though? The ending is really pretty lackluster.