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By Herself
“One for Cloudsdale, please,” Fluttershy told the balloon ticket salespony, flashing him a smile.
“You do know this is a mistake, right?” Rainbow Dash asked, leaning up against the sales booth.
“It’s okay, Rainbow,” Fluttershy turned her smile towards Rainbow as she took her ticket from the salespony.” Mother isn’t that bad.”
“Not that bad?” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry, Fluttershy, but your mom’s a total bi—” she stopped, realizing who she was talking to. “Uhh, I mean there’s just no reason to do this. Your mom already knows you live in Ponyville now. Dad totally told her like a month ago.”
“Oh, I know. And that was very nice of him. I just think it’d be best if I told Mother myself.”
Rainbow folded her hooves across her chest, unimpressed. “Why?”
“Because she’s family, Rainbow. Don’t you think she has a right to hear it from me in person?”
“Yeah, but—” Rainbow sighed, realizing there was no way to talk her friend out of this. Of all the times for Fluttershy to actually grow a backbone! “At least let me come with you. Your mom will tear you a— well, you know how she is.”
Fluttershy smiled again, though this time Rainbow thought she could see just a hint of worry in her eyes. “Thank you, Rainbow. But you don’t need to bother. I can do this myself.” She trotted past her friend towards the balloon headed for Cloudsdale.
“I really doubt that,” Rainbow muttered to herself.
Fluttershy winced, but kept on walking.
A million nightmare scenarios flooded Rainbow’s mind as she flew back and forth waiting for the evening balloon to show up. There was no way Fluttershy would actually be on it. That bitch who called herself Fluttershy’s mother would never let that happen. And yet here Rainbow was, waiting around like an idiot just in case the impossible actually happened.
After six or seven eternities of waiting, Rainbow finally caught sight of the balloon in the distance, slowly making its way back to Ponyville. She dashed towards it, hoping to see if Fluttershy was actually on it, but stopped herself before she got too far. Interfering with a hot air balloon without a good reason was dangerous, and the last thing Rainbow needed was to be responsible for a bunch of ponies hurtling towards the ground. Even if she totally was fast enough to catch everypony before anything bad happened. It took every ounce of restraint Rainbow had to sit still and wait for the balloon to land on its own, but she managed. And somehow she even had the patience to wait for the rest of the passengers disembark too.
Finally, long after everyone else had already gotten off, a pink maned pegasus slowly walked out of the balloon. Rainbow jumped for joy! She had no idea how, but somehow Fluttershy managed to actually make it back in one piece. She rushed over to her friend, shouting “Fluttershy! How’d you talk that old goat into actually—”
The air left Rainbow’s lungs as her friend gave her the tightest embrace she’d ever experienced. An instant later, she could feel warm water on her back. “Fluttershy?” She managed to ask. “What’s wrong?”
The response was barely a whisper. So quiet that if Rainbow hadn’t known Fluttershy for as long as she did, she almost certainly would have missed it. “I told her.”
Uncertain what else to say or do, Rainbow returned the hug, letting her friend cry for as long as she needed.
“You do know this is a mistake, right?” Rainbow Dash asked, leaning up against the sales booth.
“It’s okay, Rainbow,” Fluttershy turned her smile towards Rainbow as she took her ticket from the salespony.” Mother isn’t that bad.”
“Not that bad?” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry, Fluttershy, but your mom’s a total bi—” she stopped, realizing who she was talking to. “Uhh, I mean there’s just no reason to do this. Your mom already knows you live in Ponyville now. Dad totally told her like a month ago.”
“Oh, I know. And that was very nice of him. I just think it’d be best if I told Mother myself.”
Rainbow folded her hooves across her chest, unimpressed. “Why?”
“Because she’s family, Rainbow. Don’t you think she has a right to hear it from me in person?”
“Yeah, but—” Rainbow sighed, realizing there was no way to talk her friend out of this. Of all the times for Fluttershy to actually grow a backbone! “At least let me come with you. Your mom will tear you a— well, you know how she is.”
Fluttershy smiled again, though this time Rainbow thought she could see just a hint of worry in her eyes. “Thank you, Rainbow. But you don’t need to bother. I can do this myself.” She trotted past her friend towards the balloon headed for Cloudsdale.
“I really doubt that,” Rainbow muttered to herself.
Fluttershy winced, but kept on walking.
A million nightmare scenarios flooded Rainbow’s mind as she flew back and forth waiting for the evening balloon to show up. There was no way Fluttershy would actually be on it. That bitch who called herself Fluttershy’s mother would never let that happen. And yet here Rainbow was, waiting around like an idiot just in case the impossible actually happened.
After six or seven eternities of waiting, Rainbow finally caught sight of the balloon in the distance, slowly making its way back to Ponyville. She dashed towards it, hoping to see if Fluttershy was actually on it, but stopped herself before she got too far. Interfering with a hot air balloon without a good reason was dangerous, and the last thing Rainbow needed was to be responsible for a bunch of ponies hurtling towards the ground. Even if she totally was fast enough to catch everypony before anything bad happened. It took every ounce of restraint Rainbow had to sit still and wait for the balloon to land on its own, but she managed. And somehow she even had the patience to wait for the rest of the passengers disembark too.
Finally, long after everyone else had already gotten off, a pink maned pegasus slowly walked out of the balloon. Rainbow jumped for joy! She had no idea how, but somehow Fluttershy managed to actually make it back in one piece. She rushed over to her friend, shouting “Fluttershy! How’d you talk that old goat into actually—”
The air left Rainbow’s lungs as her friend gave her the tightest embrace she’d ever experienced. An instant later, she could feel warm water on her back. “Fluttershy?” She managed to ask. “What’s wrong?”
The response was barely a whisper. So quiet that if Rainbow hadn’t known Fluttershy for as long as she did, she almost certainly would have missed it. “I told her.”
Uncertain what else to say or do, Rainbow returned the hug, letting her friend cry for as long as she needed.
I'm not sure how this one relates to the prompt. I mean, other than Dash saying that it was not possible for Fluttershy to survive her mother's criticism of her living in Ponyville with earth ponies, there's no real attachment to the prompt. I could be wrong and there may be some different implied meaning with the ending or something, but I don't get it. Maybe I need an explanation or two for me to understand this better by the author.
Eh.
Needs Work/Abstain.
Eh.
Needs Work/Abstain.
This story's ending is a completely foregone conclusion. It spends a lot of time heavily implying that Fluttershy's mother is verbally abusive and doesn't approve of whatever Fluttershy's decided to do, then sends Fluttershy off into the lion's den. What happens after the scene cut? Exactly what you'd expect. Fluttershy comes home and she's a wreck. There's no surprise at all.
(Aside: when writing ponies, you might find it interesting to use "nag" instead of "bitch." It's ponytastic and family friendly! That's just my opinion, though.)
(Aside: when writing ponies, you might find it interesting to use "nag" instead of "bitch." It's ponytastic and family friendly! That's just my opinion, though.)
>>Soaring
I think the author went for the idiom instead of a literal interpretation of the prompt. I've made a habit out of looking up the prompts since, as a non-native, I keep missing these things, and several dictionaries say that "It's your funeral" is a phrase with the figurative meaning "If you do that, you alone will have to face the dire consequences," which, although Rainbow tried to save her from that, is exactly what Fluttershy did. The title "By Herself" also relates to that, I think. It's actually a pretty clever prompt use.
That aside, my main complaint with the story is characterization. Not only does Fluttershy face certain and futile conflict, a thing I just can't see her do since she's shied away even from necessary conflict before, but she also has an abusive mother... that just feels way, way off to me since it clashes with Fluttershy's character. I certainly don't think Fluttershy's relationship with her parents has been healthy, but verbal abuse just doesn't fit. I can't dig up psychological papers to prove my point though, that's just my opinion.
Another complaint is the off-screen development, but I guess that was necessary to fit both start and finish of the story into a minific. As it stands, it's a tragic tale with a missing middle part.
I think the author went for the idiom instead of a literal interpretation of the prompt. I've made a habit out of looking up the prompts since, as a non-native, I keep missing these things, and several dictionaries say that "It's your funeral" is a phrase with the figurative meaning "If you do that, you alone will have to face the dire consequences," which, although Rainbow tried to save her from that, is exactly what Fluttershy did. The title "By Herself" also relates to that, I think. It's actually a pretty clever prompt use.
That aside, my main complaint with the story is characterization. Not only does Fluttershy face certain and futile conflict, a thing I just can't see her do since she's shied away even from necessary conflict before, but she also has an abusive mother... that just feels way, way off to me since it clashes with Fluttershy's character. I certainly don't think Fluttershy's relationship with her parents has been healthy, but verbal abuse just doesn't fit. I can't dig up psychological papers to prove my point though, that's just my opinion.
Another complaint is the off-screen development, but I guess that was necessary to fit both start and finish of the story into a minific. As it stands, it's a tragic tale with a missing middle part.
I’m pretty sure this is a shipfic – Fluttershy is confessing to her mom that she’s gay and in a relationship with Rainbow Dash (hence why Rainbow Dash’s dad spoke to her), but she wants to tell her face-to-face, in person.
I actually thought this was okay, but it was too short, and I think it left out the actual thing that Fluttershy was going to confront her mother about for no good reason. Why? If it is a shipfic, there’s no reason to hide it. If it is something else, there’s no reason to hide that, either. The core of the story gains a lot more strength if we understand just what it is that Fluttershy was up to. As-is, it is missing that extra oomph.
I actually thought this was okay, but it was too short, and I think it left out the actual thing that Fluttershy was going to confront her mother about for no good reason. Why? If it is a shipfic, there’s no reason to hide it. If it is something else, there’s no reason to hide that, either. The core of the story gains a lot more strength if we understand just what it is that Fluttershy was up to. As-is, it is missing that extra oomph.
>>TitaniumDragon
I'm glad I read this review because I didn't pick up on that at all. I actually thought Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were step-sisters! When Rainbow Dash went from "your mom" to "Dad" (and the fact that Dash knew that Dad had told Fluttershy's mom something), I was certain this was a step-sister and divorce story with Fluttershy and Dash being leverage.
TD's right, it makes sense if it's a shipfic with gay angst. But if it is a shipfic, Rainbow should kiss Fluttershy goodbye so we actually know.
The other option is that Fluttershy has what used to be called Dependent Personality Disorder and her mother is highly controlling. But we never see evidence of that.
I'm glad I read this review because I didn't pick up on that at all. I actually thought Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were step-sisters! When Rainbow Dash went from "your mom" to "Dad" (and the fact that Dash knew that Dad had told Fluttershy's mom something), I was certain this was a step-sister and divorce story with Fluttershy and Dash being leverage.
TD's right, it makes sense if it's a shipfic with gay angst. But if it is a shipfic, Rainbow should kiss Fluttershy goodbye so we actually know.
The other option is that Fluttershy has what used to be called Dependent Personality Disorder and her mother is highly controlling. But we never see evidence of that.
This story's biggest shortcomings are its lack of a swerve that might subvert our expectations, and the possible unclear setup of maybe a ship (or not!).
But to some extent, I don't really want to dump on the author for not giving us all of that in addition to the solid prose, good scene-setting, and two very well-written characters we end up with. And I don't want to bulldoze the author's accomplishment in making Rainbow sound more like Rainbow here than in most stories I see Rainbow in.
But to some extent, I don't really want to dump on the author for not giving us all of that in addition to the solid prose, good scene-setting, and two very well-written characters we end up with. And I don't want to bulldoze the author's accomplishment in making Rainbow sound more like Rainbow here than in most stories I see Rainbow in.
Small niggle but given that this seems to be going for a show tone and setting, the use of 'bitch' feels a bit out of place. That's just personal opinion.
As for the fic itself, it's nice but feels kinda drive by. Everything takes place from Rainbow's perspective so we never see that conversation Fluttershy has with her mother. Now, that's not a bad thing in itself but we don't get nearly enough detail on Rainbow worrying and waiting. It's only, like, one or two paragraphs long. If we're going with Rainbow's perspective, we need more of her feelings on the situation, for the reader to really connect with the situation.
As for the fic itself, it's nice but feels kinda drive by. Everything takes place from Rainbow's perspective so we never see that conversation Fluttershy has with her mother. Now, that's not a bad thing in itself but we don't get nearly enough detail on Rainbow worrying and waiting. It's only, like, one or two paragraphs long. If we're going with Rainbow's perspective, we need more of her feelings on the situation, for the reader to really connect with the situation.
This was fantastic. Strong characterization, strong implicit drama, strong everything. I can understand others’ complaints, but this felt so true to the source that I didn’t even notice those issues. (Granted, I was anticipating a twist so much that the absence of one threw me for a loop.)
Also, I don’t think this was a shipfic. It just came across as Fluttershy’s mother disapproving of her living on the surface and a friend offering moral support.
Also, I don’t think this was a shipfic. It just came across as Fluttershy’s mother disapproving of her living on the surface and a friend offering moral support.
I'm afraid I don't quite see the point of this one.
Rainbow Dash is worried, because Fluttershy is going home to Cloudsdale to talk to her mother about.... what exactly? The fact that she's living on the ground in an earth pony town? Or maybe that she's in a relationship with Dash? I'm leaning towards the former explanation, but it is left a touch vague. It's made very clear that Fluttershy's mother is a massive bitch, and at the very least verbally abusive to Fluttershy, if not worse.
But despite that, Fluttershy is going home to tell her mother that she lives in Ponyville now... Which she's been doing for at least a month, since (Rainbow's dad?) told her a month ago. But Fluttershy wants to tell her herself. Alone. For reasons we're never given.
All of this is actually rather interesting. It raises a lot of questions that could be answered in a much longer fic. Is her mother the reason Fluttershy is so shy? When and how did she leave home? How long has she been in Ponyville? Did she run away and not tell her mother where she was living to avoid her? Her mother was told where she lived by Rainbow's dad a month ago... Why did she never come to visit Fluttershy? And how are Fluttershy's and Rainbow's parents connected? There's a lot of great potential here!
And then we reach the end, which is.. Rainbow being worried, and Fluttershy finally returning in tears. Because her mom is a bitch. And... that's it. I at least expected the twist that her mother had died while she was away or some such. It would have been clichéd, but at least it would be more interesting than "everything happened exactly as expected." Which I suppose it a subversion in it's own way... But a kinda boring one.
Author, take the first half of this story, and then build a full sized fic answering some of the fascinating questions it brings up. I'd definitely read it. As it stands though? The ending is really pretty lackluster.
Rainbow Dash is worried, because Fluttershy is going home to Cloudsdale to talk to her mother about.... what exactly? The fact that she's living on the ground in an earth pony town? Or maybe that she's in a relationship with Dash? I'm leaning towards the former explanation, but it is left a touch vague. It's made very clear that Fluttershy's mother is a massive bitch, and at the very least verbally abusive to Fluttershy, if not worse.
But despite that, Fluttershy is going home to tell her mother that she lives in Ponyville now... Which she's been doing for at least a month, since (Rainbow's dad?) told her a month ago. But Fluttershy wants to tell her herself. Alone. For reasons we're never given.
All of this is actually rather interesting. It raises a lot of questions that could be answered in a much longer fic. Is her mother the reason Fluttershy is so shy? When and how did she leave home? How long has she been in Ponyville? Did she run away and not tell her mother where she was living to avoid her? Her mother was told where she lived by Rainbow's dad a month ago... Why did she never come to visit Fluttershy? And how are Fluttershy's and Rainbow's parents connected? There's a lot of great potential here!
And then we reach the end, which is.. Rainbow being worried, and Fluttershy finally returning in tears. Because her mom is a bitch. And... that's it. I at least expected the twist that her mother had died while she was away or some such. It would have been clichéd, but at least it would be more interesting than "everything happened exactly as expected." Which I suppose it a subversion in it's own way... But a kinda boring one.
Author, take the first half of this story, and then build a full sized fic answering some of the fascinating questions it brings up. I'd definitely read it. As it stands though? The ending is really pretty lackluster.
This poses a lot of questions and gives us very few answers. I could dwell on that, but I'll just say it's difficult to do that to a reader and not leave them feeling slighted.
I quite liked the characterizations here, particularly Fluttershy's at the end: withholding tears until the moment she's with Rainbow Dash.
My greatest complaint, though, is that it goes exactly as anticipated. Not every story has to have a twist. We all know the good guys will win in the end. But if we can tell it won't end, and the characters know and say it won't end well, it all just seems like an exercise in futility if we're not provided with some sort of reason or explanation.
I quite liked the characterizations here, particularly Fluttershy's at the end: withholding tears until the moment she's with Rainbow Dash.
My greatest complaint, though, is that it goes exactly as anticipated. Not every story has to have a twist. We all know the good guys will win in the end. But if we can tell it won't end, and the characters know and say it won't end well, it all just seems like an exercise in futility if we're not provided with some sort of reason or explanation.