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From Our Bakery to Your Home
All around Equestria, Pepper Ridge’s Farm was famous for their cookies.
“We do have many other items of course. Succulent breads as well as crackers and treats.”
“You can find our products almost anywhere in Equestria. We also sell our stuff across over fifty countries, including Neighpon and Stalliongrad.”
“Rumor has it that even Princess Celestia goes crazy for our stuff. We frequently fill out back-orders for the Royal Castle.”
“But yes, we are known most for our cookies.”
“Only baked with the finest ingredients from the finest bakers in the world! And, baked with love of course!”
And Apple Bloom sure could taste the love in them. After she had told Applejack about class and how they had a speaker from Pepper Ridge’s farm, Applejack had become quiet. Then her sister had noticeably slammed the coffee cup on the table, scowling.
“Um, you want one?” Apple Bloom pushed the cookie package across the table toward her sister.
These were the chesshorse cookies, extra buttery and flaky squared cookies with chesshorse pictures printed on each side. According to the speaker, these were their top selling cookies.
Applejack grunted disapproval.
Apple Bloom kept munching. Still unsure of what to say, she settled on, “They’re really good.”
Instead of answering, Applejack shook her head and grabbed the packaging inspecting it, looking at the logo, the nutrient percentages, the fine print. She rolled her eyes and Apple bloom could tell she wanted to throw them out, as if it were a moldy apple.
“Why don’t you like them?”
Applejack sighed. “I hate to tell you this AB, but Pepper Ridge’s farm isn’t a real farm. They’re a factory.”
“What do you mean, a factory?” Crumbs sputtered from her mouth. Winona, under her, started licking the floors.
“It’s exactly what I said. They’re not a farm.” She grabbed the package and pointed at the picturesque windmill and cottage, sunlight pouring amongst the grassy fields, and ponies around, happy. “It’s a lie. Where’s the livestock? The barnyard? Hay, I’ll bet they don’t even have hay! And it’s definitely not,” Applejack paused, wryly staring at the package,” made with Mr. Ridge’s wholesome love. Machines make these cookies.”
“Machines!”
“I’m sorry, AB…”
The cookies in her mouth suddenly felt like sawdust. “Milk!”
“Say what now?”
“Milk! Cookies need milk, right? Maybe they have cows on their farm. They’re a farm-bakery then.” Apple Bloom said defiantly.
“They shouldn’t be using farm at all. It’s an affront to all of us. Golden and Daisy and even Pinkie an’ her family. At least say Pepper Ridge’s Bakery.” Applejack shook her head. “Anyways, I gotta tend the feels. Don’t eat too much or you’ll rot your teeth.”
“But they’re not a factory…” She whispered as Applejack left. Her eyes burned at the image on the package. “It’s time for a crusader meeting.”
“What do you say, everypony? You ready?”
The foals, collectively ready to invalidate Applejack’s theories, cheered and stood in front of the metal gates of Pepper Ridge’s farm, a massive white building, plain and very unfarm-like. Apple Bloom felt slightly sick. No windmill. No picket fences. It sure didn’t look like the picture on the package.
[i]It can’t be a factory. [i/]
Maybe things would look more promising once they got inside.
Lilly Longsocks, with her super strength, pried open the gates of the “farm.”
They walked through endless corridors, opening all the doors, but found no sign of anything cookie-related and after a half-hour of traipsing, the security guards found them.
Using his leverage as editor of the Foal Free Press, Featherweight concocted a story about writing about the farm. And Diamond Tiara, with her charms, gained them a tour.
“And for stopping by, we’ll even give you free samples,” the guards said as Featherweight’s camera flashed.
“Nothing beats free cookies!” Scootaloo, next to Apple Bloom, cheered along with all the other foals.
And when they stepped into the baking room, just like that, their dreams died.
Dejected, the fillies took a shameful walk towards the exit.
“Hey, wait! Didn’t you want some free samples?”
One by one, they eyed one another and made their way to the gift shop. No one spoke a word during the the bus ride home.
They were too busy eating.
Over at the Hive, a changeling buzzed up to Queen Chrysalis and whispered something in her ears.
She spewed out her meal. “What do you mean these aren’t made from love?!”
“We do have many other items of course. Succulent breads as well as crackers and treats.”
“You can find our products almost anywhere in Equestria. We also sell our stuff across over fifty countries, including Neighpon and Stalliongrad.”
“Rumor has it that even Princess Celestia goes crazy for our stuff. We frequently fill out back-orders for the Royal Castle.”
“But yes, we are known most for our cookies.”
“Only baked with the finest ingredients from the finest bakers in the world! And, baked with love of course!”
And Apple Bloom sure could taste the love in them. After she had told Applejack about class and how they had a speaker from Pepper Ridge’s farm, Applejack had become quiet. Then her sister had noticeably slammed the coffee cup on the table, scowling.
“Um, you want one?” Apple Bloom pushed the cookie package across the table toward her sister.
These were the chesshorse cookies, extra buttery and flaky squared cookies with chesshorse pictures printed on each side. According to the speaker, these were their top selling cookies.
Applejack grunted disapproval.
Apple Bloom kept munching. Still unsure of what to say, she settled on, “They’re really good.”
Instead of answering, Applejack shook her head and grabbed the packaging inspecting it, looking at the logo, the nutrient percentages, the fine print. She rolled her eyes and Apple bloom could tell she wanted to throw them out, as if it were a moldy apple.
“Why don’t you like them?”
Applejack sighed. “I hate to tell you this AB, but Pepper Ridge’s farm isn’t a real farm. They’re a factory.”
“What do you mean, a factory?” Crumbs sputtered from her mouth. Winona, under her, started licking the floors.
“It’s exactly what I said. They’re not a farm.” She grabbed the package and pointed at the picturesque windmill and cottage, sunlight pouring amongst the grassy fields, and ponies around, happy. “It’s a lie. Where’s the livestock? The barnyard? Hay, I’ll bet they don’t even have hay! And it’s definitely not,” Applejack paused, wryly staring at the package,” made with Mr. Ridge’s wholesome love. Machines make these cookies.”
“Machines!”
“I’m sorry, AB…”
The cookies in her mouth suddenly felt like sawdust. “Milk!”
“Say what now?”
“Milk! Cookies need milk, right? Maybe they have cows on their farm. They’re a farm-bakery then.” Apple Bloom said defiantly.
“They shouldn’t be using farm at all. It’s an affront to all of us. Golden and Daisy and even Pinkie an’ her family. At least say Pepper Ridge’s Bakery.” Applejack shook her head. “Anyways, I gotta tend the feels. Don’t eat too much or you’ll rot your teeth.”
“But they’re not a factory…” She whispered as Applejack left. Her eyes burned at the image on the package. “It’s time for a crusader meeting.”
“What do you say, everypony? You ready?”
The foals, collectively ready to invalidate Applejack’s theories, cheered and stood in front of the metal gates of Pepper Ridge’s farm, a massive white building, plain and very unfarm-like. Apple Bloom felt slightly sick. No windmill. No picket fences. It sure didn’t look like the picture on the package.
[i]It can’t be a factory. [i/]
Maybe things would look more promising once they got inside.
Lilly Longsocks, with her super strength, pried open the gates of the “farm.”
They walked through endless corridors, opening all the doors, but found no sign of anything cookie-related and after a half-hour of traipsing, the security guards found them.
Using his leverage as editor of the Foal Free Press, Featherweight concocted a story about writing about the farm. And Diamond Tiara, with her charms, gained them a tour.
“And for stopping by, we’ll even give you free samples,” the guards said as Featherweight’s camera flashed.
“Nothing beats free cookies!” Scootaloo, next to Apple Bloom, cheered along with all the other foals.
And when they stepped into the baking room, just like that, their dreams died.
Dejected, the fillies took a shameful walk towards the exit.
“Hey, wait! Didn’t you want some free samples?”
One by one, they eyed one another and made their way to the gift shop. No one spoke a word during the the bus ride home.
They were too busy eating.
Over at the Hive, a changeling buzzed up to Queen Chrysalis and whispered something in her ears.
She spewed out her meal. “What do you mean these aren’t made from love?!”
Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):
Applejack: 3 (though she wasn't the main focus this time around).
Oof, time limit didn't do you any favours, did it? Quite a few typos here. That being said, I don't tend to hold them against people.
This was actually pretty okay! I think it needs a little more fine tuning (even on top of the typos), but the premise works, and I actually like the kids' responses throughout. It feels more or less exactly right. Sure, everything's wrong and disappointing but... they're not going to turn down free cookies.
Oh, and the last scene was completely, 100% superflouous. That being said, it was hilarious. Keep it, it's amazing.
Verdict: Rough, but solid.
Applejack: 3 (though she wasn't the main focus this time around).
Oof, time limit didn't do you any favours, did it? Quite a few typos here. That being said, I don't tend to hold them against people.
This was actually pretty okay! I think it needs a little more fine tuning (even on top of the typos), but the premise works, and I actually like the kids' responses throughout. It feels more or less exactly right. Sure, everything's wrong and disappointing but... they're not going to turn down free cookies.
Oh, and the last scene was completely, 100% superflouous. That being said, it was hilarious. Keep it, it's amazing.
Verdict: Rough, but solid.
It's a fun minific, but I don't really see how it fits the prompt unless it was something very distantly metaphorical. Because of that I kept expecting the story to take a very dark turn. Still, that and a few small mistakes are the only issues I have (Applejack tending to the feels is a wonderful mental image.)
The last scene makes a perfect ending.
The last scene makes a perfect ending.
Pepper Ridge’s Farm. Well, at least it isn’t Butter Crockery, the heinous batterwitch.
In all… well, I’m not sure where you were going with this. The tone is all over the place. Expanding the story and giving the transitions enough room to avoid mood whiplash will probably help, but even then, the core premise doesn’t seem like much.
Anyways, I gotta tend the feels.”All them tragic death stories in this contest ain’t gonna harvest themselves.”
In all… well, I’m not sure where you were going with this. The tone is all over the place. Expanding the story and giving the transitions enough room to avoid mood whiplash will probably help, but even then, the core premise doesn’t seem like much.
...the death of dreams, I guess?
The twist at the end did a fair bit to redeem this for me, but a lot of it feels extraneous; the joke is pretty much just that last line. I mean, you could probably have told this in three or four lines, and it would have been just as funny, if not funnier. Brevity is the soul.
Still, I smiled.
The twist at the end did a fair bit to redeem this for me, but a lot of it feels extraneous; the joke is pretty much just that last line. I mean, you could probably have told this in three or four lines, and it would have been just as funny, if not funnier. Brevity is the soul.
Still, I smiled.
I'm surprised they'd be stuffing their faces if they were that disappointed, particularly given Apple Bloom's initial reaction and how it made the cookie taste weak.
It would have helped to indicate who the foals were, up front, or at least how many there were. It seemed like it was the CMC and then you kept pulling new names out of the air.
The ending made me laugh. I think it comes too far out of left field, though. If the changeling were holding a copy of the Foal Free Press (as in, the kids breaking the news, which was almost all of the story, was actually important to the story), then it would tie the ending to the rest of the story and everything would work. I think you need that. As-is, the ending is a non sequitur: it's very funny, but it doesn't fit with the rest of the story.
It would have helped to indicate who the foals were, up front, or at least how many there were. It seemed like it was the CMC and then you kept pulling new names out of the air.
The ending made me laugh. I think it comes too far out of left field, though. If the changeling were holding a copy of the Foal Free Press (as in, the kids breaking the news, which was almost all of the story, was actually important to the story), then it would tie the ending to the rest of the story and everything would work. I think you need that. As-is, the ending is a non sequitur: it's very funny, but it doesn't fit with the rest of the story.
Hey, there's Lilly Longsocks again! Maybe this is a continuation of that other story where she thinks she's worthless? Clearly she got her groove back...
Anyway, I was more-or-less with this until thespy kids foal brigade did their secret mission. Then it just got way too choppy. And I think the ending is hilarious, but it doesn't flow out of anything leading up to it.
I don't usually list tier things but today I'll make an exception: Needs Work
Anyway, I was more-or-less with this until the
I don't usually list tier things but today I'll make an exception: Needs Work
Pinkie knows, but so too does Pepperridge Farm. xD
This was a fun minific, but it seemed to bounce all over the place too much, both with scene breaks and some tone changes. As FOME said, expanding this to avoid scene break whiplash will be a big help, but be careful about adding too much and stretching the joke too thin.
Also, ending with them reporting on it, as others have suggested, is a very good idea.
This was a fun minific, but it seemed to bounce all over the place too much, both with scene breaks and some tone changes. As FOME said, expanding this to avoid scene break whiplash will be a big help, but be careful about adding too much and stretching the joke too thin.
Also, ending with them reporting on it, as others have suggested, is a very good idea.
This was about as bland as a factory-made cookie to me. Until that last line, which got a good laugh out of me. This will probably be solidly near the middle of my slate.
Also, I kept on expecting a "Pepper Ridge's Farm remembers" joke.
Also, I kept on expecting a "Pepper Ridge's Farm remembers" joke.