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>>Haze
I... might agree? I like it in principle but "disoriented" is a pretty good description of how I felt reading it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
The willingness to play with that is what I liked in principle about it. There's definitely neat stuff to be mined there. The only well-known example of this sort of viewpoint fuckery I can think of is Slaughterhouse Five, which is in Vonnegut's first-person perspective throughout but is about someone else and so reads as third-person, but I'm sure there are more pyrotechnic examples where an alien or someone with a weird psychological disorder somehow can't use first-person even though they're the narrator, and of course you get hiveminds saying "we" all the time. I'm sure there's fascinating stuff here.
(Ooh, Adam Cadre's Narcolepsy has a shift from standard IF second-person to first-person at the end of the cold open, complete with lampshade, but I never got any further than that.)
From this fic I learned that combining 1st and 2nd person at the same time is extremely disorienting.
I... might agree? I like it in principle but "disoriented" is a pretty good description of how I felt reading it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
It’s not really second-person perspective when there’s an “I” character.
The willingness to play with that is what I liked in principle about it. There's definitely neat stuff to be mined there. The only well-known example of this sort of viewpoint fuckery I can think of is Slaughterhouse Five, which is in Vonnegut's first-person perspective throughout but is about someone else and so reads as third-person, but I'm sure there are more pyrotechnic examples where an alien or someone with a weird psychological disorder somehow can't use first-person even though they're the narrator, and of course you get hiveminds saying "we" all the time. I'm sure there's fascinating stuff here.
(Ooh, Adam Cadre's Narcolepsy has a shift from standard IF second-person to first-person at the end of the cold open, complete with lampshade, but I never got any further than that.)
>>Trick_Question
As it happens, I've only read "15 Minutes" and this so far, in that order. I sort of agree with you here, in that this one may have more going on, but because it was less immediately captivating, it didn't intrigue me as much. (But really, it's just that I love Rainbow Dash.)
You spent more time on it than Rainbow Dash 15 Minutes Whatever, but what you added only makes it that much more annoying to read.
As it happens, I've only read "15 Minutes" and this so far, in that order. I sort of agree with you here, in that this one may have more going on, but because it was less immediately captivating, it didn't intrigue me as much. (But really, it's just that I love Rainbow Dash.)
Yeah, this definitely needs a solid editing pass. As mentioned, the correct spelling of "lich", "popped clean off" instead of "of", and "pink crystal" instead of "Pinkie crystal" are all absolutely necessary changes.
And about that last one: I suspect it's intentional foreshadowing, but it just doesn't work. Pinkie doesn't have her own type of crystal (or if she does, we need to know that for it to make sense), and we all know damn well that "Pinkie" is a proper noun and is not to be confused with the color pink, so it just seems like a weird typo or something until the drop. Actually, after changing that, I think I have one more change I'd recommend, to the penultimate line:
Oh yeah, and Spike disappears. Without even reacting to seeing his major crush with her lung punctured, for that matter.
This idea just needs to be paced out a little bit better to really flow. I don't want to say more exposition, because the gradual realization is the joke and point. However, other commenters have found Rarity's excessive calm and sudden reversal to be jarring even though they're part of the humor because they hit us a little too cold. You've done this well of a job with pacing and exposition; I'm sure you can make Rarity's reactions make more sense without a humor/tension-killing exposition dump. Spike might help here! He doesn't necessarily know what Twilight's been up to, and again, he's getting an unexpected opportunity to find out that Rarity is quite literally not as beautiful on the inside.
All that said, I really liked this. It shot right to the top of my ratings (although I'm only three stories deep and both of the others were trollish metafics). I even already have the shelf I'll put it on if I get to read it on FiMFic!
And about that last one: I suspect it's intentional foreshadowing, but it just doesn't work. Pinkie doesn't have her own type of crystal (or if she does, we need to know that for it to make sense), and we all know damn well that "Pinkie" is a proper noun and is not to be confused with the color pink, so it just seems like a weird typo or something until the drop. Actually, after changing that, I think I have one more change I'd recommend, to the penultimate line:
“Well of course Pinkie would be fine with it,” Rarity said, sighing.
“Actually..." Twilight gestured at the glowing pink crystal. "I'm still working on Pinkie's spell.”
Oh yeah, and Spike disappears. Without even reacting to seeing his major crush with her lung punctured, for that matter.
This idea just needs to be paced out a little bit better to really flow. I don't want to say more exposition, because the gradual realization is the joke and point. However, other commenters have found Rarity's excessive calm and sudden reversal to be jarring even though they're part of the humor because they hit us a little too cold. You've done this well of a job with pacing and exposition; I'm sure you can make Rarity's reactions make more sense without a humor/tension-killing exposition dump. Spike might help here! He doesn't necessarily know what Twilight's been up to, and again, he's getting an unexpected opportunity to find out that Rarity is quite literally not as beautiful on the inside.
All that said, I really liked this. It shot right to the top of my ratings (although I'm only three stories deep and both of the others were trollish metafics). I even already have the shelf I'll put it on if I get to read it on FiMFic!
Also, I'll point out that it felt very brisk (in a good way! I think) despite bumping up against the wordcount limit. That suggests there is room to pace things out a bit without dulling it down.
I feel a little chastened to still be in the "wat" camp when >>Trick_Question clearly sees a whole lot going on, but even knowing why it's surrealistically weird, it's still just weird. The ponies are websites, but they're also ponies who can talk and pull carts? The coffin is a recycling bin? I almost don't want it to have a point, so that it could just be dream logic.
This reminds me a lot of "Fluttershy Goes to Narnia" in its tone, but I liked that and couldn't get into this. If I could articulate exactly why I feel like it would help you a lot, anonymous author, but I'm afraid I'm not sure. Lines like "She was really craving for some cactuses. Why? Well, it's a long story, but to put in it short, Fluttershy was in the mood for some exotic juice." -- clunky, perhaps deliberately -- and all the strike-through jokes seemed to be pointing in that trollish direction, but that sentence-level stuff doesn't seem to jive with the overall story very well.
So yeah. Watmode. Sorry about you died, Fluttershy.
This reminds me a lot of "Fluttershy Goes to Narnia" in its tone, but I liked that and couldn't get into this. If I could articulate exactly why I feel like it would help you a lot, anonymous author, but I'm afraid I'm not sure. Lines like "She was really craving for some cactuses. Why? Well, it's a long story, but to put in it short, Fluttershy was in the mood for some exotic juice." -- clunky, perhaps deliberately -- and all the strike-through jokes seemed to be pointing in that trollish direction, but that sentence-level stuff doesn't seem to jive with the overall story very well.
So yeah. Watmode. Sorry about you died, Fluttershy.
Started melodramatic to the point of feeling cliché -- lines like the one >>Trick_Question pointed out are just over the top, but she probably has the right idea of how to fix it -- but it did wind up hitting home in the end anyway. Not really sure where to put it.
Also, I was surprised Rainbow Dash didn't turn out to be a character. That's not a flaw because exposing their identities slowly is intentional, and the choices do fit the story well, but it seemed worth mentioning. (I'd go into more detail but I'm not sure if the spoiler tag is the same here as on FiMFic and I don't want to do my first test with live munitions.)
Also, I was surprised Rainbow Dash didn't turn out to be a character. That's not a flaw because exposing their identities slowly is intentional, and the choices do fit the story well, but it seemed worth mentioning. (I'd go into more detail but I'm not sure if the spoiler tag is the same here as on FiMFic and I don't want to do my first test with live munitions.)
“Did you?” Rainbow asked, her question the perfect parry.
Somewhat in the vein of >>Trick_Question's comment: this story would be about twice as good if the highlighted phrase was deleted.
Overall, while it didn't grab me too much, it was fairly solid. I think "show, don't tell" can extend a long way for this one, in the sense of making Dash's side of the conversation more powerful. She's too telly with Sunset and it holds the character interaction back for the same reasons that apply to expository prose. (Then again, there's no way Dash is a restrained and self-aware orator, even in this context.)
But this is a very Sunset-y story, in a good way.
I absolutely love how you made pegasi sound monstrous and eldritch until we realize what it is. It takes the cuteness of Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy to make me forget how freaky the idea of a six-limbed mammal is.