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A Curious Case Of Immortality
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” Rarity roared, her voice echoing through the halls of the castle.
Twilight paused in mid-spell and cocked her ears. “Spike! Tell Rarity that I’m not seeing visitors today.”
She began to gather magic to her horn again, but there was a sudden bang and the door to the lab flew open.
“She didn’t take no for an answer,” Spike protested, as Rarity stormed down the stairs.
“Twilight, I would like a word,” Rarity hissed, her tone like cut glass.
“Urgh, Rarity.” Twilight set down the bright Pinkie crystal she’d been working on. “I’m in the middle of a very delicate piece of–oh sweet Celestia, there’s a pipe through your barrel!”
Rarity, despite the hoofwide section of drainpipe embed in her chest just below her shoulder, rolled her eyes. “Yes darling, I had noticed. It seems that despite earning cutiemarks the Crusaders are still a hazard to everything in a hundred-hoof radius. However, I was particularly concerned by the fact that a drainpipe has penetrated though what my passing grasp of anatomy tells me is a lung. Now, while I don’t particularly relish the thought of drowning in my own blood, I do believe it is the customary response. Do you have anything to say about the situation?”
“Umm...” Twilight’s eyes flicked to her experiment bench. “No?”
“Twilight darling, I know you’ve been worried about the whole ‘immortality’ thing.” Rarity took a seat on a nearby cushion, resting the pipe on the floor. “But I would prefer to be told if I was going to become an unholy abomination of magic gone too far.”
“You’re not an abomination!” Twilight exclaimed. Rarity cocked an eyebrow at her. “Okay... technically speaking you’re a litch. But—” She held up a hoof. “—It’s just a temporary thing. Just while I figure out how to make you all alicorns.”
“A litch?” Distain dripped from Rarity’s voice. “A withered shell of a pony who clings to life by draining the souls of the living? I’m afraid to say that I would rather die.”
“Oh, no no no, that couldn’t be further from the truth.” Twilight levitated a book over from a nearby shelf. “See, litches just lock a body in its current state, that’s why old withered mages stay withered. This way I can keep you in the prime of youth for as long as it takes to come up with a more permanent solution.”
Rarity sighed. “And the soul eating?”
“Heh... Well as an alicorn I have a lot of soul to go around.”
“Twilight, is it really so hard to accept that we might not be around some day?” Rarity asked, pressing a fetlock over her eyes. “I know thinking about it hurts, but you can’t encase the world in crystal and call it saved.”
Twilight hung her head. “I know. But I’d never forgive myself if, say, Rainbow Dash died in a stunt when I could have saved her. We always end up in so much danger I had to do something. Actually, come to think of it I’m a little surprised you’re the first pony who found out.”
“Well, I suppose that’s fair.” Rarity sighed. “Though I’d prefer not to be known as the wicked sorceress of Ponyville, so if you could put my soul back–”
“Right. Do you want me to remove the pipe first, or...”
“Yes, I want you to remove the pipe,” Rarity snapped, then seemed to remember her composure. “If you wouldn’t mind. And then we shall, as a group, discuss our newfound litchdom before anypony else gets impaled by anything.”
“TWILIGHT!” Pinkie Pie cried out. The mare tripped at the top of the stairs and descended in a tumble of flailing limbs. “Owie.” Her leg rolled free of the heap and stopped at Twilight’s hooves.
Pinikie picked herself up a shook herself. “Oh, hi Rarity,” she said, teetering on three legs. “Have you done something with your hair?”
“Umm...”
“Oh, right. Twilight can you stick my leg back on? I was playing with the clothesline with gummy and it popped clean of, can you believe it?”
“Yeah, sure,” Twilight said, bemused. She lowered her horn and applied a mild healing spell to the joint.
“Thanks Twilight. See you,” Pinkie chirped and bounced off.
“Well of course Pinkie would be fine with it,” Rarity said, sighing.
“Actually... I haven’t finished the spell for Pinkie yet.” Twilight frowned, and turned back to her notes.
“Huh.” Rarity looked down at her pipe. “So, eternal youth and beauty you said?”
Twilight paused in mid-spell and cocked her ears. “Spike! Tell Rarity that I’m not seeing visitors today.”
She began to gather magic to her horn again, but there was a sudden bang and the door to the lab flew open.
“She didn’t take no for an answer,” Spike protested, as Rarity stormed down the stairs.
“Twilight, I would like a word,” Rarity hissed, her tone like cut glass.
“Urgh, Rarity.” Twilight set down the bright Pinkie crystal she’d been working on. “I’m in the middle of a very delicate piece of–oh sweet Celestia, there’s a pipe through your barrel!”
Rarity, despite the hoofwide section of drainpipe embed in her chest just below her shoulder, rolled her eyes. “Yes darling, I had noticed. It seems that despite earning cutiemarks the Crusaders are still a hazard to everything in a hundred-hoof radius. However, I was particularly concerned by the fact that a drainpipe has penetrated though what my passing grasp of anatomy tells me is a lung. Now, while I don’t particularly relish the thought of drowning in my own blood, I do believe it is the customary response. Do you have anything to say about the situation?”
“Umm...” Twilight’s eyes flicked to her experiment bench. “No?”
“Twilight darling, I know you’ve been worried about the whole ‘immortality’ thing.” Rarity took a seat on a nearby cushion, resting the pipe on the floor. “But I would prefer to be told if I was going to become an unholy abomination of magic gone too far.”
“You’re not an abomination!” Twilight exclaimed. Rarity cocked an eyebrow at her. “Okay... technically speaking you’re a litch. But—” She held up a hoof. “—It’s just a temporary thing. Just while I figure out how to make you all alicorns.”
“A litch?” Distain dripped from Rarity’s voice. “A withered shell of a pony who clings to life by draining the souls of the living? I’m afraid to say that I would rather die.”
“Oh, no no no, that couldn’t be further from the truth.” Twilight levitated a book over from a nearby shelf. “See, litches just lock a body in its current state, that’s why old withered mages stay withered. This way I can keep you in the prime of youth for as long as it takes to come up with a more permanent solution.”
Rarity sighed. “And the soul eating?”
“Heh... Well as an alicorn I have a lot of soul to go around.”
“Twilight, is it really so hard to accept that we might not be around some day?” Rarity asked, pressing a fetlock over her eyes. “I know thinking about it hurts, but you can’t encase the world in crystal and call it saved.”
Twilight hung her head. “I know. But I’d never forgive myself if, say, Rainbow Dash died in a stunt when I could have saved her. We always end up in so much danger I had to do something. Actually, come to think of it I’m a little surprised you’re the first pony who found out.”
“Well, I suppose that’s fair.” Rarity sighed. “Though I’d prefer not to be known as the wicked sorceress of Ponyville, so if you could put my soul back–”
“Right. Do you want me to remove the pipe first, or...”
“Yes, I want you to remove the pipe,” Rarity snapped, then seemed to remember her composure. “If you wouldn’t mind. And then we shall, as a group, discuss our newfound litchdom before anypony else gets impaled by anything.”
“TWILIGHT!” Pinkie Pie cried out. The mare tripped at the top of the stairs and descended in a tumble of flailing limbs. “Owie.” Her leg rolled free of the heap and stopped at Twilight’s hooves.
Pinikie picked herself up a shook herself. “Oh, hi Rarity,” she said, teetering on three legs. “Have you done something with your hair?”
“Umm...”
“Oh, right. Twilight can you stick my leg back on? I was playing with the clothesline with gummy and it popped clean of, can you believe it?”
“Yeah, sure,” Twilight said, bemused. She lowered her horn and applied a mild healing spell to the joint.
“Thanks Twilight. See you,” Pinkie chirped and bounced off.
“Well of course Pinkie would be fine with it,” Rarity said, sighing.
“Actually... I haven’t finished the spell for Pinkie yet.” Twilight frowned, and turned back to her notes.
“Huh.” Rarity looked down at her pipe. “So, eternal youth and beauty you said?”
Urban Dictionary is not a good source for these things: it's spelled "lich".
Your Pinkie is spot on. /)^3^(\ However, it's nonsensical because there's no blood, and there should be a lot of that. The same goes for Rarity, to an extent, but there, at least there's an excuse.
The last line should be a bit different: make it sound like Rarity is leading into the conversation slowly, so the shift in her opinion seems less abrupt, perhaps by using ellipses once or twice, e.g. "So...". Rarity seems out of character in the first place, to be honest, because I can't imagine she would complain about being alive as her first response in this situation. But given her response, her change in opinion is too rapid in the line on which it appears.
Also, it doesn't make any sense that Twilight wouldn't have cast the spell on Pinkie yet, so I think you need to be more explicit on why (I suspect the "Pinkie crystal" was your intent there).
Your Pinkie is spot on. /)^3^(\ However, it's nonsensical because there's no blood, and there should be a lot of that. The same goes for Rarity, to an extent, but there, at least there's an excuse.
The last line should be a bit different: make it sound like Rarity is leading into the conversation slowly, so the shift in her opinion seems less abrupt, perhaps by using ellipses once or twice, e.g. "So...". Rarity seems out of character in the first place, to be honest, because I can't imagine she would complain about being alive as her first response in this situation. But given her response, her change in opinion is too rapid in the line on which it appears.
Also, it doesn't make any sense that Twilight wouldn't have cast the spell on Pinkie yet, so I think you need to be more explicit on why (I suspect the "Pinkie crystal" was your intent there).
Rarity gets impaled by a drainpipe and, given that she’s not drowning in her own blood, comes to ask Twilight about what magical experiments, exactly, she’s been running on her.
Turns out that Twilight is a bit worried about that whole immortality thing and has been turning her friends into liches without their permission. You know, drawing souls out of their bodies, feeding them bits of her own soul to sustain them…
You know what they say, right? A little bit of soul can put things right.
This story was cute and amusing, but the Pinkie bit really made it at the end, along with Rarity's abrupt change of heart. I liked this on the whole, as it did a pretty good job of covering the arc while staying within the word budget.
Also, I think your "Pinkie crystal" should have been "pink crystal". Yes, it was for Pinkie, but a "Pinkie crystal" isn't a thing the audience is going to understand at that point in the story.
Turns out that Twilight is a bit worried about that whole immortality thing and has been turning her friends into liches without their permission. You know, drawing souls out of their bodies, feeding them bits of her own soul to sustain them…
You know what they say, right? A little bit of soul can put things right.
This story was cute and amusing, but the Pinkie bit really made it at the end, along with Rarity's abrupt change of heart. I liked this on the whole, as it did a pretty good job of covering the arc while staying within the word budget.
Also, I think your "Pinkie crystal" should have been "pink crystal". Yes, it was for Pinkie, but a "Pinkie crystal" isn't a thing the audience is going to understand at that point in the story.
A few typos (like embed instead of ‘embedded’). I had a hard time with “I was playing with the clothesline with gummy and it popped clean of”: at first, I thought I was missing something. Then I finally reckoned the final ‘it’ refers to the leg, which is not really that obvious at first glance (straight-up I was wondering how a clothesline can pop clean). Two ‘particularly’ in a short space, also. And Pinikie with an extraneous ‘i’ that was fun.
This was a bit silly, the kind of absurd humour some might like. I am on the fence here. The idea was crazy and fun, but I am not sold on the way you exploited it. The Pinkie’s bit, which others happened to like, felt a downer to me. Although we’ve seen Pinkie doing fun things or getting herself into weird shapes, the idea of her leg just popping off as if she was a doll doesn’t really fit my headcanon. You’ve souped up the absurdity to the point it broke my immersion and I was like kicked out of the story. Also, I don’t really understand what justifies Rarity’s final U-turn.
This was a bit silly, the kind of absurd humour some might like. I am on the fence here. The idea was crazy and fun, but I am not sold on the way you exploited it. The Pinkie’s bit, which others happened to like, felt a downer to me. Although we’ve seen Pinkie doing fun things or getting herself into weird shapes, the idea of her leg just popping off as if she was a doll doesn’t really fit my headcanon. You’ve souped up the absurdity to the point it broke my immersion and I was like kicked out of the story. Also, I don’t really understand what justifies Rarity’s final U-turn.
Oh my.
I'm easy bait for a well-written Rarity freakout. I also live and breathe absurdity. This story is, therefore, "my jam," as I believe the foals would put it.
Yes there are a bare handful of typos, though sadly they are quite noticeable. The writing is otherwise magnificent, and the concept is strong.
Dear author, I'd gladly read as much more of this as you'd care to write.
I'm easy bait for a well-written Rarity freakout. I also live and breathe absurdity. This story is, therefore, "my jam," as I believe the foals would put it.
Yes there are a bare handful of typos, though sadly they are quite noticeable. The writing is otherwise magnificent, and the concept is strong.
Dear author, I'd gladly read as much more of this as you'd care to write.
I get the overall idea/theme the author was going for with this, but I think it would have been better leveraged under a short story round, rather than a minific. As it is, it comes across as a random sequence of events that get some explanation through dialogue, but otherwise remain so obscured as to seem pointless. I know they're not supposed to be, but they feel that way in such a short scene.
Yeah, this definitely needs a solid editing pass. As mentioned, the correct spelling of "lich", "popped clean off" instead of "of", and "pink crystal" instead of "Pinkie crystal" are all absolutely necessary changes.
And about that last one: I suspect it's intentional foreshadowing, but it just doesn't work. Pinkie doesn't have her own type of crystal (or if she does, we need to know that for it to make sense), and we all know damn well that "Pinkie" is a proper noun and is not to be confused with the color pink, so it just seems like a weird typo or something until the drop. Actually, after changing that, I think I have one more change I'd recommend, to the penultimate line:
Oh yeah, and Spike disappears. Without even reacting to seeing his major crush with her lung punctured, for that matter.
This idea just needs to be paced out a little bit better to really flow. I don't want to say more exposition, because the gradual realization is the joke and point. However, other commenters have found Rarity's excessive calm and sudden reversal to be jarring even though they're part of the humor because they hit us a little too cold. You've done this well of a job with pacing and exposition; I'm sure you can make Rarity's reactions make more sense without a humor/tension-killing exposition dump. Spike might help here! He doesn't necessarily know what Twilight's been up to, and again, he's getting an unexpected opportunity to find out that Rarity is quite literally not as beautiful on the inside.
All that said, I really liked this. It shot right to the top of my ratings (although I'm only three stories deep and both of the others were trollish metafics). I even already have the shelf I'll put it on if I get to read it on FiMFic!
And about that last one: I suspect it's intentional foreshadowing, but it just doesn't work. Pinkie doesn't have her own type of crystal (or if she does, we need to know that for it to make sense), and we all know damn well that "Pinkie" is a proper noun and is not to be confused with the color pink, so it just seems like a weird typo or something until the drop. Actually, after changing that, I think I have one more change I'd recommend, to the penultimate line:
“Well of course Pinkie would be fine with it,” Rarity said, sighing.
“Actually..." Twilight gestured at the glowing pink crystal. "I'm still working on Pinkie's spell.”
Oh yeah, and Spike disappears. Without even reacting to seeing his major crush with her lung punctured, for that matter.
This idea just needs to be paced out a little bit better to really flow. I don't want to say more exposition, because the gradual realization is the joke and point. However, other commenters have found Rarity's excessive calm and sudden reversal to be jarring even though they're part of the humor because they hit us a little too cold. You've done this well of a job with pacing and exposition; I'm sure you can make Rarity's reactions make more sense without a humor/tension-killing exposition dump. Spike might help here! He doesn't necessarily know what Twilight's been up to, and again, he's getting an unexpected opportunity to find out that Rarity is quite literally not as beautiful on the inside.
All that said, I really liked this. It shot right to the top of my ratings (although I'm only three stories deep and both of the others were trollish metafics). I even already have the shelf I'll put it on if I get to read it on FiMFic!
Also, I'll point out that it felt very brisk (in a good way! I think) despite bumping up against the wordcount limit. That suggests there is room to pace things out a bit without dulling it down.
I understand why you kept the spellcraft vague at first, but it still distracted from the main content of the story. Also, describing the object as “Pinkie crystal” is really weird; it sounds like she excreted it somehow. And, of course, there’s Spike’s complete nonreaction to Rarity’s perforation. This is an interesting idea, but it needs some reworking for optimal flow.
>>Trick_Question
I think the story was referring to the surprising modularity Pinkie demonstrated in "The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows."
>>Trick_Question
I think the story was referring to the surprising modularity Pinkie demonstrated in "The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows."
I’m not sure what ‘like cut glass’ means. I’m guessing you mean ‘broken glass.’ Glass cutting is a very precise process that doesn’t generally lead to many sharp angles. But then ‘broken glass’ might suggest something else entirely about Rarity’s emotional state.
Otherwise, this is a fun little fic with a cool premise. Rarity’s reaction and voice are mostly perfect, and the whole thing is pretty funny. I found the line ‘Twilight, is it really so hard to accept that we might not be around some day?’ to be distracting.
For a split second, this starts to become a fic about accepting the inevitability of loss, but then glosses over it. It’s not there long enough to add anything to the story and it’s never resolved, so it ends up feeling like a weird distraction from the comedy. I’d suggest either expanding or cutting that plotline. That said, it could make for a very cool story if expanded.
Otherwise, this is a fun little fic with a cool premise. Rarity’s reaction and voice are mostly perfect, and the whole thing is pretty funny. I found the line ‘Twilight, is it really so hard to accept that we might not be around some day?’ to be distracting.
For a split second, this starts to become a fic about accepting the inevitability of loss, but then glosses over it. It’s not there long enough to add anything to the story and it’s never resolved, so it ends up feeling like a weird distraction from the comedy. I’d suggest either expanding or cutting that plotline. That said, it could make for a very cool story if expanded.
Oh, another remark I forgot yesterday: even though it's described as being "hoof-wide", I think of "drainage pipe" as those huge corrugated culvert liners you can often walk right through. So even though I knew better, I kept imagining Rarity having an entire tunnel jammed through her chest, with the entire cross-section visible.
Which reminds me of one more copy-editing suggestion: change "shoulder" to "withers". Rarity has the latter, unless you're at Canterlot High.
Which reminds me of one more copy-editing suggestion: change "shoulder" to "withers". Rarity has the latter, unless you're at Canterlot High.
I love the beginning, and the end is pretty good too (though like others have said, Rarity's change of opinion should have more leadup.) But the middle part is pretty weak. Maybe part of the problem is just that I got sick of all these immortality blues stories years ago, but I also think that it really doesn't match the tone of the rest of the story and doesn't actually add anything either.
This isn't the best story I've read so far, but it is my favorite, if only because the humor is perfect for me.
This isn't the best story I've read so far, but it is my favorite, if only because the humor is perfect for me.
A Curious Case of Immortality- A good, but not fantastic funny about life and death and alicorns. Still, it is both interesting and humorous (a difficult task in itself) to warrant being placed in the A category. I suspect from Spike’s brief appearance and a number of shortened sections, this story hit the length limit hard, and I’m going to be interested in seeing what it looks like when expanded and posted.
Other than the mispelling of lich giving me an itch I couldn't scritch in the noggin, this was fun. I liked it. Really, this could be a good series of linked scenes dealing with this premise.
Okay, this? This I loved.
I mean, it's just about perfect! The characters are all pretty much in character... This sounds like a perfectly reasonable solution that Twilight might have come up with. Rarity appearing with a fatal injury, and being more concerned about appearances than her morality...
And that final bit with Pinkie! Brilliant!
In short, I loved it. I'm only halfway through my slate so far, but as of now this has definitely earned the top spot. ;)
I mean, it's just about perfect! The characters are all pretty much in character... This sounds like a perfectly reasonable solution that Twilight might have come up with. Rarity appearing with a fatal injury, and being more concerned about appearances than her morality...
And that final bit with Pinkie! Brilliant!
In short, I loved it. I'm only halfway through my slate so far, but as of now this has definitely earned the top spot. ;)
Retrospective
So this was my wind-down fic at the end of the contest. I figured that after I finished my other two stories I could either go to bed or try and write as much as possible in the time left. Foolishly I chose the latter and this fic got written in 40 minutes. This showed badly and a lot of people pointed out wonky phrasing, a general rushed feel and a few blatant spelling mistakes. Given the lack of time I had for editing I wasn't surprised and it was nice to see people enjoyed the story anyway.
My seed sentence for this one was: Twilight made her friends immortal, she probably should have told them first. I'd just finished Rites, so I really wanted to wind down with something stupid and this one was just perfect for that. Immortality was a subversion of the prompt, with Rarity getting upset over not dying, rather than all the tears about death in the rest of the field. I never can seem to write straight to the prompt it seems.
Anyway, as commentators have pointed out this one felt rushed more than anything else. There was too much in too little space and if we're honest I probably could have written up these ideas to hit the magic 2k for the longer round without much trouble. I loved writing Rarity complaining in her oh so polite tone that she wasn't dead, but the themes of acceptance were lost and Pinkie confused everyone.
Ultimately, for those who struggled with the ending, the idea with Pinkie was that she was the 'curious case', not Rarity. The idea being to use Pinkie's cartoonish grasp of reality (Pinkie Pie: voted most likely to survive being crushed by an anvil four years running [Twilight beat her one year because she actually survived being crushed by an anvil]) and play it off as full blown immortality. When faced with two immortals and her own rather imminent mortality Rarity was supposed to change her mind, regardless of the hypocrisy. This was pretty much lost to the word count, however, so I'll be expanding it a lot for the FiMFiction version.
Thank you everyone who left a comment, to answer a few:
>>Trick_Question Doh. I know I made a lot of spelling errors in this one, but the Litch one hurt the most.
>>Calipony I feel (and do correct me) that Pinkie's big problem was less that she was absurd but that she didn't have enough of a run up. She hops on, does something cartoonish and hops off, without room for the audience to internalise it and rationalise it along with the whole absurdity of the drain pipe or Twilight messing with souls.
>>GrandMoffPony Definitely agree. Needs more words.
>>FanOfMostEverything That was exactly what I was referencing as it happens. I love Pinkie when she goes full loony toons. But anyway, I fully agree there needs to be some work on the flow.
>>HoofBitingActionOverload Cut glass is an British phase (as I now realise). It means an extremely refined and haughty accent. In this case it would be Rarity at her most piercing tone, yet still controlled and measured.
You're right about that one line being a bit of an outlier, there's no reaction to it but that was very much down to word limitations.
>>pterrorgrine I guess the US phrase would be a gutter or downspout, but I'd imagine a 'drain pipe' as about a hand across even without the tell.
Shoulders/withers is one of those arguments I have with my proofreaders. Withers is technically more correct, shoulders means the casual reader has a clue what you're talking about.
So this was my wind-down fic at the end of the contest. I figured that after I finished my other two stories I could either go to bed or try and write as much as possible in the time left. Foolishly I chose the latter and this fic got written in 40 minutes. This showed badly and a lot of people pointed out wonky phrasing, a general rushed feel and a few blatant spelling mistakes. Given the lack of time I had for editing I wasn't surprised and it was nice to see people enjoyed the story anyway.
My seed sentence for this one was: Twilight made her friends immortal, she probably should have told them first. I'd just finished Rites, so I really wanted to wind down with something stupid and this one was just perfect for that. Immortality was a subversion of the prompt, with Rarity getting upset over not dying, rather than all the tears about death in the rest of the field. I never can seem to write straight to the prompt it seems.
Anyway, as commentators have pointed out this one felt rushed more than anything else. There was too much in too little space and if we're honest I probably could have written up these ideas to hit the magic 2k for the longer round without much trouble. I loved writing Rarity complaining in her oh so polite tone that she wasn't dead, but the themes of acceptance were lost and Pinkie confused everyone.
Ultimately, for those who struggled with the ending, the idea with Pinkie was that she was the 'curious case', not Rarity. The idea being to use Pinkie's cartoonish grasp of reality (Pinkie Pie: voted most likely to survive being crushed by an anvil four years running [Twilight beat her one year because she actually survived being crushed by an anvil]) and play it off as full blown immortality. When faced with two immortals and her own rather imminent mortality Rarity was supposed to change her mind, regardless of the hypocrisy. This was pretty much lost to the word count, however, so I'll be expanding it a lot for the FiMFiction version.
Thank you everyone who left a comment, to answer a few:
>>Trick_Question Doh. I know I made a lot of spelling errors in this one, but the Litch one hurt the most.
>>Calipony I feel (and do correct me) that Pinkie's big problem was less that she was absurd but that she didn't have enough of a run up. She hops on, does something cartoonish and hops off, without room for the audience to internalise it and rationalise it along with the whole absurdity of the drain pipe or Twilight messing with souls.
>>GrandMoffPony Definitely agree. Needs more words.
>>FanOfMostEverything That was exactly what I was referencing as it happens. I love Pinkie when she goes full loony toons. But anyway, I fully agree there needs to be some work on the flow.
>>HoofBitingActionOverload Cut glass is an British phase (as I now realise). It means an extremely refined and haughty accent. In this case it would be Rarity at her most piercing tone, yet still controlled and measured.
You're right about that one line being a bit of an outlier, there's no reaction to it but that was very much down to word limitations.
>>pterrorgrine I guess the US phrase would be a gutter or downspout, but I'd imagine a 'drain pipe' as about a hand across even without the tell.
Shoulders/withers is one of those arguments I have with my proofreaders. Withers is technically more correct, shoulders means the casual reader has a clue what you're talking about.