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An Awesome Funeral
“Do you think both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna will come to the funeral?” asked Sweetie Belle, keeping her voice down as she fidgeted. There was a large collection of chairs and cushions being set up out on the grass in the town square, including two large cushions, both dark and light. The three little ponies peering out of the attic window of the Carousel Boutique contemplated for a while before Apple Bloom spoke up.
“Ah think so.” She pointed at the distant thread of smoke still floating up in the distance. “I reckon the explosion was visible from Canterlot.”
“I bet it was awesome!” declared Scootaloo. “I wish we had gotten a camera to take a picture.”
“We were a little busy being upside-down in the gully,” said Sweetie Belle. “I told you we should have put seat belts on our rocket-sled.”
“Ah’m kinda glad we didn’t,” declared Apple Bloom. “If’n we had, we woulda still been strapped in that contraption when it went into Ghastly Gorge.”
There was a very long silence between the three friends, broken only by the distant rumble of thunder.
“At least Rainbow Dash quit kicking that cloud,” said Scootaloo, taking a cautious peek out of the window. “It’s still echoing a little.”
“Rarity’s still downstairs,” said Sweetie Belle. “I can still hear her crying.”
“Ah don’t see Applejack nor none of my family anywhere,” said Apple Bloom, taking another peek out of the window. “Do you think they’re still at the crash site?”
“Probably.” Scootaloo began to fidget as much as Sweetie Belle. “We are in so much trouble.”
“It’s only going to get worse the longer we take to tell them,” said Apple Bloom. “Ah don’t think they’ll keep us from seeing each other. Right?”
“I don’t want to take the chance,” said Scootaloo, slumping down on the floor of the attic and holding her hooves over her ears. “I mean all of us came up with the idea of building a rocket sled, but Applejack can get so protective. Remember when she wanted to keep you in your room and we provided cover so you could deliver those pies?”
“And my big sister freaks out so much when I even get a little dirty or burnt just a little bit,” said Sweetie Belle. “She’ll lock me up and I’ll never see you two again.”
“We still gotta tell ‘em sometime,” said Apple Bloom. “It’s not like we can run away to Manehattan and stay with Babs for the rest of our lives, change our names, and never see our families again.”
“That seems oddly specific,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Ah had some time to think when we were digging ourselves out of that gully,” said Apple Bloom.
The three close friends slumped together into a semblance of a hug, most likely the last physical contact they would get with each other for the rest of their lives. Finally, after a bit of sniffing, Scootaloo said, “It’s too bad we can’t watch the funeral from up here. I’ll bet it would be awesome.”
Apple Bloom sniffed back a few tears and added, “Big Mac might even say more than two words.”
“Rarity says black makes her look fat,” said Sweetie Belle. “But I’ll bet she wears a ton of it.”
They remained quiet and thoughtful for a while, listening to the occasional rumble of thunder as dark overcast clouds were brought in to deepen the mood in town. After taking a deep breath, Apple Bloom said, “I think Sweetie should tell Rarity first. She’s just downstairs.”
“No way,” said Sweetie Belle. “She’ll freak out. She needs somepony brave to support her during her time of stress, like Rainbow Dash. Scootaloo should tell her first.”
“Totally un-cool,” said Scootaloo. “Rainbow would probably cry, and that would totally ruin her reputation around town. I think Apple Bloom should tell her sister first.”
“She’s gonna tan my hide!” said Apple Bloom. “That is unless some kind and gentle pony like Rarity can talk her out of it first.”
The three of them took a mutual deep breath and a deep sigh before Sweetie Belle asked, “Just how much trouble do you think we’re in, anyway?”
“Lots,” said Applejack.
Three little fillies slowly turned their heads and looked over at the narrow staircase that extended up into the Carousel Boutique attic. Three much older and significantly more upset adult sisters looked back.
“So, does this mean we can’t watch our own funerals?” asked Scootaloo.
“Ah think so.” She pointed at the distant thread of smoke still floating up in the distance. “I reckon the explosion was visible from Canterlot.”
“I bet it was awesome!” declared Scootaloo. “I wish we had gotten a camera to take a picture.”
“We were a little busy being upside-down in the gully,” said Sweetie Belle. “I told you we should have put seat belts on our rocket-sled.”
“Ah’m kinda glad we didn’t,” declared Apple Bloom. “If’n we had, we woulda still been strapped in that contraption when it went into Ghastly Gorge.”
There was a very long silence between the three friends, broken only by the distant rumble of thunder.
“At least Rainbow Dash quit kicking that cloud,” said Scootaloo, taking a cautious peek out of the window. “It’s still echoing a little.”
“Rarity’s still downstairs,” said Sweetie Belle. “I can still hear her crying.”
“Ah don’t see Applejack nor none of my family anywhere,” said Apple Bloom, taking another peek out of the window. “Do you think they’re still at the crash site?”
“Probably.” Scootaloo began to fidget as much as Sweetie Belle. “We are in so much trouble.”
“It’s only going to get worse the longer we take to tell them,” said Apple Bloom. “Ah don’t think they’ll keep us from seeing each other. Right?”
“I don’t want to take the chance,” said Scootaloo, slumping down on the floor of the attic and holding her hooves over her ears. “I mean all of us came up with the idea of building a rocket sled, but Applejack can get so protective. Remember when she wanted to keep you in your room and we provided cover so you could deliver those pies?”
“And my big sister freaks out so much when I even get a little dirty or burnt just a little bit,” said Sweetie Belle. “She’ll lock me up and I’ll never see you two again.”
“We still gotta tell ‘em sometime,” said Apple Bloom. “It’s not like we can run away to Manehattan and stay with Babs for the rest of our lives, change our names, and never see our families again.”
“That seems oddly specific,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Ah had some time to think when we were digging ourselves out of that gully,” said Apple Bloom.
The three close friends slumped together into a semblance of a hug, most likely the last physical contact they would get with each other for the rest of their lives. Finally, after a bit of sniffing, Scootaloo said, “It’s too bad we can’t watch the funeral from up here. I’ll bet it would be awesome.”
Apple Bloom sniffed back a few tears and added, “Big Mac might even say more than two words.”
“Rarity says black makes her look fat,” said Sweetie Belle. “But I’ll bet she wears a ton of it.”
They remained quiet and thoughtful for a while, listening to the occasional rumble of thunder as dark overcast clouds were brought in to deepen the mood in town. After taking a deep breath, Apple Bloom said, “I think Sweetie should tell Rarity first. She’s just downstairs.”
“No way,” said Sweetie Belle. “She’ll freak out. She needs somepony brave to support her during her time of stress, like Rainbow Dash. Scootaloo should tell her first.”
“Totally un-cool,” said Scootaloo. “Rainbow would probably cry, and that would totally ruin her reputation around town. I think Apple Bloom should tell her sister first.”
“She’s gonna tan my hide!” said Apple Bloom. “That is unless some kind and gentle pony like Rarity can talk her out of it first.”
The three of them took a mutual deep breath and a deep sigh before Sweetie Belle asked, “Just how much trouble do you think we’re in, anyway?”
“Lots,” said Applejack.
Three little fillies slowly turned their heads and looked over at the narrow staircase that extended up into the Carousel Boutique attic. Three much older and significantly more upset adult sisters looked back.
“So, does this mean we can’t watch our own funerals?” asked Scootaloo.
I smiled the whole time here. While it never was really surprising, it still worked and had a consistently good quality through the whole story.
I think it would work even better if you removed the last two paragraphs, they kinda slow down again after a high note.
I think it would work even better if you removed the last two paragraphs, they kinda slow down again after a high note.
Oh wow. I honestly never connected the dots until the very end. I was too horrified by the thought of the Crusaders being more concerned about being in trouble than the pony they killed, never considering the prompt. As such, I was totally blindsided by the ending, and I loved it. Great work.
Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):
Applejack: 4
Rainbow: 3
Pinkie: 2
Twilight: 1
Rarity: 1
Sunset: 1
(I don't care if AJ, Rarity, and Dash were barely in this, it still counts)
Not gonna lie, I got the joke pretty early. So the impact at the end was basically minimal. But it was still fairly enjoyable.
That being said, I think it's a tad too long. And also I think Sweetie is a fair bit out of character, but the CMC are hard to write, I find, and it was still enjoyable.
But yeah, girls. Say good bye to your free time.
(And poor Scoots! Not only is she going to get chewed out by Rainbow, but probably also by her biological relatives. Ouch.)
Applejack: 4
Rainbow: 3
Pinkie: 2
Twilight: 1
Rarity: 1
Sunset: 1
(I don't care if AJ, Rarity, and Dash were barely in this, it still counts)
Not gonna lie, I got the joke pretty early. So the impact at the end was basically minimal. But it was still fairly enjoyable.
That being said, I think it's a tad too long. And also I think Sweetie is a fair bit out of character, but the CMC are hard to write, I find, and it was still enjoyable.
But yeah, girls. Say good bye to your free time.
(And poor Scoots! Not only is she going to get chewed out by Rainbow, but probably also by her biological relatives. Ouch.)
I must be dense, because unlike others I didn't see the end coming here. :-)
This is fun and well-constructed. I have to disagree with >>Orbiting_kettle though; I think it would end too abruptly without the last bits, and it would remove some of the clarity that dense individuals such as myself benefit from in confirming that the joke is what we think it is.
This will go high on my slate. My only request might be some further confirmation of whether these are pre- or post-mark CMCs. It feels pre-mark, though, considering what got them into their predicament.
This is fun and well-constructed. I have to disagree with >>Orbiting_kettle though; I think it would end too abruptly without the last bits, and it would remove some of the clarity that dense individuals such as myself benefit from in confirming that the joke is what we think it is.
This will go high on my slate. My only request might be some further confirmation of whether these are pre- or post-mark CMCs. It feels pre-mark, though, considering what got them into their predicament.
I saw the ending coming from pretty early on, so I'm with >>Orbiting_kettle about cutting it off sooner. Actually, my first thought was that you might want to change the ending entirely, since it seems kind of week to have their sisters just find them instead of making them decide what to do.
It's a decent story overall, though, if not particularly special.
It's a decent story overall, though, if not particularly special.
I saw the ending coming, but I don't think it makes any sense. Why would Apple Bloom worry about her sister "tanning her hide" if she knows she's dead? Also, why are their older sisters standing in the attic, of all places? Why are they looking at the CMC? Why did Apple Bloom need to dig herself out of the gully if she's a ghost? How would they even be able to tell their sisters? I can't even figure out what they would tell them, just admit fault, which should already be obvious? Why would you say last physical contact if that's impossible already? How could their sisters possibly keep them separated? I'm so confused!
Am I totally missing what the ending is saying? It sounds like everypony else saw the same thing I did, but nopony was completely confused by how none of the pieces fit. Somepony help me out here, please. I really don't get it. How does this make any sense at all?! ^@.@^
That said, writing stuff follows. You toggle between "Ah" and "I", and "Ah" isn't a good approach to expressing an accent. Try to write as though the character with the accent is writing down their own words: they're saying "I", not "ah", so that's what you should write.
This would mean that each cushion is both dark and light. I think you mean "one white, one black" (also be more specific than 'dark' and 'light' if you want to describe them).
This is too telly. A character might say this, but the narrator shouldn't.
Am I totally missing what the ending is saying? It sounds like everypony else saw the same thing I did, but nopony was completely confused by how none of the pieces fit. Somepony help me out here, please. I really don't get it. How does this make any sense at all?! ^@.@^
That said, writing stuff follows. You toggle between "Ah" and "I", and "Ah" isn't a good approach to expressing an accent. Try to write as though the character with the accent is writing down their own words: they're saying "I", not "ah", so that's what you should write.
both dark and light
This would mean that each cushion is both dark and light. I think you mean "one white, one black" (also be more specific than 'dark' and 'light' if you want to describe them).
most likely the last physical contact they would get with each other for the rest of their lives
This is too telly. A character might say this, but the narrator shouldn't.
>>Trick_Question
Yeah, you're totally missing it. The CMC aren't dead at all. Everyone thinks they're dead because the rocket sled they were on crashed and exploded, but they had fallen off of it before that. And now they're hiding in the attack and afraid to tell anyone that they're actually alive because they'll get in trouble. But their sisters find them in the end anyway.
Yeah, you're totally missing it. The CMC aren't dead at all. Everyone thinks they're dead because the rocket sled they were on crashed and exploded, but they had fallen off of it before that. And now they're hiding in the attack and afraid to tell anyone that they're actually alive because they'll get in trouble. But their sisters find them in the end anyway.
>>The_Letter_J
DERP
Well, I feel stupid. Either I'm stupid, or it's too subtle. I think the problem is that it says the older sisters are in the attic, and the ponies are downstairs, which makes no sense if they're hiding.
I suspect that was a mistake on the part of the author.
DERP
Well, I feel stupid. Either I'm stupid, or it's too subtle. I think the problem is that it says the older sisters are in the attic, and the ponies are downstairs, which makes no sense if they're hiding.
I suspect that was a mistake on the part of the author.
That's where I know this from! The 1995 movie Tom and Huck had a similar scene. Took me a while because all my Google searches kept returning the older renditions or the books. Watched that as a little kid... I think I liked this better than the movie.
This was enjoyable and made me smile more than the nostalgia it brought up. Good job I say.
This was enjoyable and made me smile more than the nostalgia it brought up. Good job I say.
I read this a few times before finally breaking down and checking the other comments. Only then did I pick up on what the CMC were really up to. I did chuckle a bit when I figured everything out, but I don't think too many readers would go to the effort to look up the answer on their own, and they'd walk away from this one frustrated, confused, or both.
I wouldn't say it's being too subtle, but burying the punchline so deep, the lead-in comes across as incoherent instead of the setup the author intended.
I wouldn't say it's being too subtle, but burying the punchline so deep, the lead-in comes across as incoherent instead of the setup the author intended.
Cute but like the others say, somewhat confusing.
I think adding in a mention of the attic door opening with a slam might help. Gets across where the two parties are and that the sisters are more angry than distraught (and therefore it'll help people realize the CMC ain't dead).
I think adding in a mention of the attic door opening with a slam might help. Gets across where the two parties are and that the sisters are more angry than distraught (and therefore it'll help people realize the CMC ain't dead).
The Cutie Mark Crusaders speculate about their own funeral after a rocket-powered sled accident.
This was one of those “CMC get into comical mischief” stories, but it made me smile. The three of them making excuses for why none of them had to be the first to tell their sisters they survived was amusing (as were their individual excuses for why someone else had to go first – especially Apple Bloom’s), but the whole back and forthing throughout the piece, combined with their speculation, was certainly amusing.
Applejack really is going to tan Apple Bloom’s hide, though.
This was one of those “CMC get into comical mischief” stories, but it made me smile. The three of them making excuses for why none of them had to be the first to tell their sisters they survived was amusing (as were their individual excuses for why someone else had to go first – especially Apple Bloom’s), but the whole back and forthing throughout the piece, combined with their speculation, was certainly amusing.
Applejack really is going to tan Apple Bloom’s hide, though.
I enjoyed this, though I'm really kicking myself for reading early comments on this. I just had to peek under the black bars. :P
A couple of things stuck out the most for me:
The girls just spent middle of the story contemplating this question, in one way or another, so this line feels a bit hammered-in as a setup for the next paragraph. You might consider using something else more natural to fit the response that follows.
Also, many of Scootaloo's lines sound very un-Scootaloo. When she isn't actually like Rainbow, she's deliberately acting like her, and it really comes out in her speech. Scoots, here, is too well-spoken... In my opinion. :)
That said, I'd also go through and make sure the rest of the lines are well in character. Some of them just feel a bit off.
So, this is a cute story that could use just a little brush-up.
A couple of things stuck out the most for me:
The three of them took a mutual deep breath and a deep sigh before Sweetie Belle asked, “Just how much trouble do you think we’re in, anyway?”
The girls just spent middle of the story contemplating this question, in one way or another, so this line feels a bit hammered-in as a setup for the next paragraph. You might consider using something else more natural to fit the response that follows.
Also, many of Scootaloo's lines sound very un-Scootaloo. When she isn't actually like Rainbow, she's deliberately acting like her, and it really comes out in her speech. Scoots, here, is too well-spoken... In my opinion. :)
That said, I'd also go through and make sure the rest of the lines are well in character. Some of them just feel a bit off.
So, this is a cute story that could use just a little brush-up.
Darnit, I didn’t get my second slate of reviews in. Darned real world and computers. Oh, well.
As you can see, An Awesome Funeral is mine. There’s something about the CMC, like they are a microcosm of the MLP universe with Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Rarity distilled into youthful little mirror images of themselves. I’ll keep this short because I should be editing, so here goes.
This is based off the Mark Twain story The Adventures of Tom Sawyer which (of course) was made into a movie which is not as good as the book, but not bad. In short, Tom and Huck get lost in the cave, the whole town thinks they’re dead, and have a funeral. Which, of course, they show up at. Hey, with this prompt, I thought for certain this bit would be done about a dozen times.
In this case, the CMC have just snuck back into town after their latest creation, a rocket-powered sled, has crashed, burned, exploded and burned some more in Ghastly Gorge. Everypony thinks they’re dead, BUT they’re alive (seriously, I thought about going the morbid route, but no). So there they are, in the attic of the Carousal Boutique, trying to figure out if this latest disaster means their families will break them up, and trying to get up the courage to face the funeral music.
Which, of course, goes the same way as their normal plans.
Really, I’m a little disappointed in my writing if some of you thought they were really dead, and I thought I had the ‘voices’ for the characters pegged fairly well. I mean Sweetie is commenting that they should have had seat belts, Scootaloo is upset that they didn’t get a picture of the explosion, and Apple Bloom is being the semi-responsible one.
Oh, well. Top Ten. Not bad at all. Thanks, guys!
As you can see, An Awesome Funeral is mine. There’s something about the CMC, like they are a microcosm of the MLP universe with Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Rarity distilled into youthful little mirror images of themselves. I’ll keep this short because I should be editing, so here goes.
This is based off the Mark Twain story The Adventures of Tom Sawyer which (of course) was made into a movie which is not as good as the book, but not bad. In short, Tom and Huck get lost in the cave, the whole town thinks they’re dead, and have a funeral. Which, of course, they show up at. Hey, with this prompt, I thought for certain this bit would be done about a dozen times.
In this case, the CMC have just snuck back into town after their latest creation, a rocket-powered sled, has crashed, burned, exploded and burned some more in Ghastly Gorge. Everypony thinks they’re dead, BUT they’re alive (seriously, I thought about going the morbid route, but no). So there they are, in the attic of the Carousal Boutique, trying to figure out if this latest disaster means their families will break them up, and trying to get up the courage to face the funeral music.
Which, of course, goes the same way as their normal plans.
Really, I’m a little disappointed in my writing if some of you thought they were really dead, and I thought I had the ‘voices’ for the characters pegged fairly well. I mean Sweetie is commenting that they should have had seat belts, Scootaloo is upset that they didn’t get a picture of the explosion, and Apple Bloom is being the semi-responsible one.
Oh, well. Top Ten. Not bad at all. Thanks, guys!
>>JaketheGinger Nope, ruins Applejack's punch line at the end.
>>Trick_Question The older sisters are in the attic at the END of the story. Sigh.
>>TitaniumDragon Thanks, TD.
>>CoffeeMinion Yeah, I tried to keep as much Show as possible, but sometimes you have to Tell too or people miss it. Like some did with this one.
>>FanOfMostEverything Aren't you the one who wrote "At first, I didn't see the frying pan. Then it hit me." :)
>>Orbiting_kettle Without the last two paras, I'll get comments saying, "Wait, I thought they were dead." Well, I do anyway, but fewer this way.
>>Trick_Question The older sisters are in the attic at the END of the story. Sigh.
>>TitaniumDragon Thanks, TD.
>>CoffeeMinion Yeah, I tried to keep as much Show as possible, but sometimes you have to Tell too or people miss it. Like some did with this one.
>>FanOfMostEverything Aren't you the one who wrote "At first, I didn't see the frying pan. Then it hit me." :)
>>Orbiting_kettle Without the last two paras, I'll get comments saying, "Wait, I thought they were dead." Well, I do anyway, but fewer this way.