Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
>>Calipony
Is this a Whinny City thing? Because if so someone should make a thread in the WO forum for it.
Is this a Whinny City thing? Because if so someone should make a thread in the WO forum for it.
Well, I will be expanding this one too, as a matter of fact. Just built an entire story revolving around the war. Hoping it goes well. I might have to watch an episode or two to make sure my facts aren't all wrong. :D
>>Morning Sun
Just because it has rainbows, friendship and demi-goddesses doesn't meant it can't have violence in it.
Equestria isn't a violence-free utopia. Nor is it a utopia in the first place. Let's let that theory die in peace.
>>Morning Sun
Other than that? The whole motif of 'Spike went to war and died' feels tacked on to Equestria, as-is. I mean, this is the land of magical demigoddess ponies and Twilight & Friends, Blasters of Rainbows. If you are going to do a war out of the blue you need something to sell it, which isn't done here. That weighs down everything else. My suggestion? Swap 'war' for something like 'Monster Hunter' or some much more plausible Equestrian thing. If Spike was off serving as the equivalent of the Coast Guard or a Firefighter or whatever and died in an accident? That actually fits, but 'Died in misery after being stabbed a bunch'...not so much.
Just because it has rainbows, friendship and demi-goddesses doesn't meant it can't have violence in it.
Equestria isn't a violence-free utopia. Nor is it a utopia in the first place. Let's let that theory die in peace.
This isn't bad, but I dont get why the 2nd person, and I would like it to be longer and fully explore the idea, as well as the fallout from this conversation. Aka I want like 5k+ words in this so we can deal with 'Is Twilight a bug?'
For those who were wondering, the line in question is "Celluloid heroes never really die."
>>Morning Sun
>>Calipony
Are you guys talking about WCPC in two weeks?
Additional side discussion/PMs may be in order.
>>Calipony
Are you guys talking about WCPC in two weeks?
Additional side discussion/PMs may be in order.
>>Super_Trampoline
omg what do i win for guessing right
omg what do i win for guessing right
>>The_Letter_J
Yeah, I think this would have been a stronger story if you'd set up the subversion more clearly.
Yeah, I think this would have been a stronger story if you'd set up the subversion more clearly.
I liked the story. I'll second that the brothers trick seemed too nasty; I can't see them actually trying to murder someone, but that wasn't a deal breaker. The idea of them preying on distraught ponies who wanted the best for their loved ones sounds much more like them, and was how I expected the story to go.
I might suggest trying to give more energy and speed to their sales pitches; it's kind of their gag in the show, but it's hard to show through in text. The descriptions of them trying to buddy up with Applejack and her reaction felt just right, though.
I might suggest trying to give more energy and speed to their sales pitches; it's kind of their gag in the show, but it's hard to show through in text. The descriptions of them trying to buddy up with Applejack and her reaction felt just right, though.
Unmarked spoilers ahead. It's been a week, and since there's no spoiler button I'm feeling too lazy to type them in manually.
Several readers have suggested that the ending is Chrysalis giving in to love and/or pity and sending the stallion back to ponykind in a way that prevents him from easily coming back. I don't think that's the case. If so, why did she cut out his tongue? That seems both gratuitous and oddly specific if her goal is to keep him from returning. The only reason I can think to do so is that there's something she doesn't want him telling ponies. (And also assumes that there aren't trivial alternate methods of communication, e.g. magical writing.) It's definitely not to keep him from the drawings that appeared to spawn her decision, because he's explicitly a unicorn.
The more I think about that, the more I feel like there's some missing fact here without which the story doesn't come together. I simply don't understand the rationale behind her decision, or the timing of it. It seems clearly prompted by the pictures he was painting, but they don't seem to provide any new information which might have prompted a revelation on her part: I mean, we already know that he was uniquely obsessed with her and in love, so him thinking her beautiful is hardly news, and the fact that he's artistically inclined hardly seems like it should provoke any reaction that strong. Is Chrysalis uncomfortable with falling back in love with him? But we've already seen her snuggling with him; being arted at seems an unlikely catalyst for that. Is she offended in some way by being thought of as beautiful? ... But again we come back to the tongue; if that's the trigger then what's her goal with that?
This has a juicy setup, but it's all building toward something that doesn't square for me. Right now this is getting the same sort of "I don't get it" shrug as Somepony #2.
Tier: Almost There
Several readers have suggested that the ending is Chrysalis giving in to love and/or pity and sending the stallion back to ponykind in a way that prevents him from easily coming back. I don't think that's the case. If so, why did she cut out his tongue? That seems both gratuitous and oddly specific if her goal is to keep him from returning. The only reason I can think to do so is that there's something she doesn't want him telling ponies. (And also assumes that there aren't trivial alternate methods of communication, e.g. magical writing.) It's definitely not to keep him from the drawings that appeared to spawn her decision, because he's explicitly a unicorn.
The more I think about that, the more I feel like there's some missing fact here without which the story doesn't come together. I simply don't understand the rationale behind her decision, or the timing of it. It seems clearly prompted by the pictures he was painting, but they don't seem to provide any new information which might have prompted a revelation on her part: I mean, we already know that he was uniquely obsessed with her and in love, so him thinking her beautiful is hardly news, and the fact that he's artistically inclined hardly seems like it should provoke any reaction that strong. Is Chrysalis uncomfortable with falling back in love with him? But we've already seen her snuggling with him; being arted at seems an unlikely catalyst for that. Is she offended in some way by being thought of as beautiful? ... But again we come back to the tongue; if that's the trigger then what's her goal with that?
This has a juicy setup, but it's all building toward something that doesn't square for me. Right now this is getting the same sort of "I don't get it" shrug as Somepony #2.
Tier: Almost There
>>Morning Sun
I didn't really mind Rainbow's reactions too much, but that was probably because I was bothered more with Twilight's escalation. But I do agree with others however that she does seem a bit too thick-headed.
I still like what you have though. It works for me.
everything is low-key, then she's suddenly flaring up and we have no leading indicator for that. She snaps too abruptlyI do like this story, but this was my biggest issue as well. Twilight's escalation needed a proper build-up. But I do like how we never really know if Twilight's frustrations are because of Rainbow's initial passiveness or her ignorance or just the weight of this new responsibility.
I didn't really mind Rainbow's reactions too much, but that was probably because I was bothered more with Twilight's escalation. But I do agree with others however that she does seem a bit too thick-headed.
I still like what you have though. It works for me.
I'm not writing reviews directly in the WriteOff site so I don't have access to what others said, but I faintly remember someone mentioning you tackle here a surprisingly serious subject. I’ll add this one touches me personally, as I was bound to make the same choice you describe here for my father ten years ago when he was dying of cancer (except on this occasion both me and the medic were in tune). But enough with the personal drama. The name of the Doctor seems ridiculous and does not fit into what you present as a dramatic scene. And yeah, your depiction of opioids is quite correct.
It’s very difficult for me to rank this story properly, because I’m of two minds: is that a true pony story, or is that a general fic that you varnished with a pony lustre just to be able to sneak it in this round? I would tend towards the latter. There's hardly any pony thing here: both your characters are OC, no world interaction nor canon character. So, apart from the ludicrous and ad hoc name of the medic, this is basically a conversation between two humans in an office.
So, to sum up, a dramatic, if classical, conundrum. I will abstain, though: off topic.
It’s very difficult for me to rank this story properly, because I’m of two minds: is that a true pony story, or is that a general fic that you varnished with a pony lustre just to be able to sneak it in this round? I would tend towards the latter. There's hardly any pony thing here: both your characters are OC, no world interaction nor canon character. So, apart from the ludicrous and ad hoc name of the medic, this is basically a conversation between two humans in an office.
So, to sum up, a dramatic, if classical, conundrum. I will abstain, though: off topic.
Okay, I've never been in music critics and such. I just don't care, and DJ Pon3 is one of the characters of the show that leaves me 100% indifferent (much like Discord) so I found this story meh. I don't know if you're trying to genuinely copy what a newspaper article about a new record would look like or if it's a joke to point out how hollow most critics sound. I agree the take on the prompt is original and creative, but for me that's about all I have to say. Sorry for that.
“Squirming within the confines of her black suit”? First, that sentence is really awkward, and I don't envision Applejack in a black suit, whatever the circumstances be. Some typos (“turned to Pinkie, stood…” there's a ‘who’ missing here).
Okay. I see why this one made it into the finals. You watched Pulp fiction before writing it, didn't you? Well, it's mildly funny, but it's a bit gross at the same time. While the suggested scene is crazy enough, the way you introduce it and the whole ceremony feel contrived and setup only to shoehorn into the prompt.
And then, well, I'm not into those sorts of fantasies, but what you suggest looks more like a scene between two stallions.
Anyway. Your story aims at being stupid, which it is, but I wish you raised the stupidity higher; here, as I say, I failed to understand the logic connecting the two events. I suggest you rewrite the ceremony in such a way that Rainbow is unaware she's the one being mourned, and PP tells the whole story instead.
Okay. I see why this one made it into the finals. You watched Pulp fiction before writing it, didn't you? Well, it's mildly funny, but it's a bit gross at the same time. While the suggested scene is crazy enough, the way you introduce it and the whole ceremony feel contrived and setup only to shoehorn into the prompt.
And then, well, I'm not into those sorts of fantasies, but what you suggest looks more like a scene between two stallions.
Anyway. Your story aims at being stupid, which it is, but I wish you raised the stupidity higher; here, as I say, I failed to understand the logic connecting the two events. I suggest you rewrite the ceremony in such a way that Rainbow is unaware she's the one being mourned, and PP tells the whole story instead.
This one was fun. The Flimflam brothers are slightly off—we now expect them to burst into a song or at least a kind of poem at the first opportunity, and I missed that here—but the rip-off, although predictable, is nice. I really don't have much to say beyond this, i.e. a solid entry, with no great ambition, but which scores pretty well. So no Nutella for Granny Smith, eh? Too bad.
And finally, lesson here is that you should watch out your grub.
And finally, lesson here is that you should watch out your grub.
>>horizon
My impression is that she wanted to make sure he was as crippled as possible so he wouldn't be able to return or profess his love for her ever again (it's hard for a non-unicorn to write or draw with no tongue and broken legs). In addition to her concern for him, she had concerns that somepony else might be "infected" by his madness. From that perspective, the tongue makes perfect sense. I read her actions as extremely cruel, to fit stereotype, but performed out of a strange sort of love for him and hatred of herself.
Of course, I suspect you already know this because this is another one of your stories. :trollestia:
I had ranked this story third, but with Flutterporn no longer in the running it comes in second after the canonically flawed but creative and touching Pie to Pie.
My impression is that she wanted to make sure he was as crippled as possible so he wouldn't be able to return or profess his love for her ever again (it's hard for a non-unicorn to write or draw with no tongue and broken legs). In addition to her concern for him, she had concerns that somepony else might be "infected" by his madness. From that perspective, the tongue makes perfect sense. I read her actions as extremely cruel, to fit stereotype, but performed out of a strange sort of love for him and hatred of herself.
Of course, I suspect you already know this because this is another one of your stories. :trollestia:
I had ranked this story third, but with Flutterporn no longer in the running it comes in second after the canonically flawed but creative and touching Pie to Pie.
Your Sirens look much more like the three Gorgons, except they do not petrify their visitor.
Anyways, I must admit I failed to be grasped by this story. There’s a big clash between ponies and mythology, and the cocktail you deliver here failed to gel for me. The Gorgons turn their vests a bit too easily for me, and I have no idea why they don't just attack the pony and steal the crown he's presenting to them.
I found the song a bit bland. Reading the other reviews, it's fabulous how not two of us agree on even a single point!
Anyways, I must admit I failed to be grasped by this story. There’s a big clash between ponies and mythology, and the cocktail you deliver here failed to gel for me. The Gorgons turn their vests a bit too easily for me, and I have no idea why they don't just attack the pony and steal the crown he's presenting to them.
I found the song a bit bland. Reading the other reviews, it's fabulous how not two of us agree on even a single point!
It’s a nice story, but it suffers from a major flaw: no teacher would ever give such a subject as an assignment to his/her pupils. Unless feeling him/herself suicidal: I think he/she would be fired the next day at dawn (or even the same day at dusk).
Otherwise, D.T. is competently portrayed, though the transition from her kinda exalted state to her cries is sudden and unexpected (while I certainly admit that’s the kind of reaction to expect from a girl to such a subject, therefore my initial rant). And her final words are way too adult.
In other words, slightly misaimed.
Otherwise, D.T. is competently portrayed, though the transition from her kinda exalted state to her cries is sudden and unexpected (while I certainly admit that’s the kind of reaction to expect from a girl to such a subject, therefore my initial rant). And her final words are way too adult.
In other words, slightly misaimed.
The idea is pleasant, but I share the same qualms as the others: I don’t envision Celestia faking her own death just to cut herself some slack in a remote getaway. At a pinch (In a pinch, for you Americans), I’d see them summon a clone or build a machine at her semblance to fake her presence.
Luna’s stance during the first part was acceptable. The discourse, well… I have mixed feelings. Though I found it amusing, Luna using ‘ass’ does not fit her at all. ‘Royal Butt’ would’ve been more suitable, maybe. I expect Luna’s exasperation to show up through deliberate wry humour rather than F-kinda words. But that’s a personal opinion you don’t have to share.
The punchline was fine, through.
Luna’s stance during the first part was acceptable. The discourse, well… I have mixed feelings. Though I found it amusing, Luna using ‘ass’ does not fit her at all. ‘Royal Butt’ would’ve been more suitable, maybe. I expect Luna’s exasperation to show up through deliberate wry humour rather than F-kinda words. But that’s a personal opinion you don’t have to share.
The punchline was fine, through.
>>Haze
A 100 word crackfic commission between any two characters of your choice, as long as at least one of them is from the MLP franchise
A 100 word crackfic commission between any two characters of your choice, as long as at least one of them is from the MLP franchise
>>Haze
A 100 word crackfic commission between any two characters of your choice, as long as at least one of them is from the MLP franchise
A 100 word crackfic commission between any two characters of your choice, as long as at least one of them is from the MLP franchise
>>Trick_Question
Don't be silly, I wouldn't break my Writeoff silence on a round I promised not to enter just to write gratuitous changelings!
... Wait, no, that's exactly the sort of stupid stunt I'd pull. :V I wish I *had* written this instead of my entry.
:trollestia:
Of course, I suspect you already know this because this is another one of your stories. :trollestia:
Don't be silly, I wouldn't break my Writeoff silence on a round I promised not to enter just to write gratuitous changelings!
... Wait, no, that's exactly the sort of stupid stunt I'd pull. :V I wish I *had* written this instead of my entry.
:trollestia:
So this is the Pie Family Cutesinera celebration! Held in exactly the somber and gloomy (and possibly morbid) way that you might expect of the Pie family - or at least that you wouldn't be too surprised at. For Pinkie especially, it's definitely an appropriate ceremony.
I liked this story, and honestly had no trouble figuring out what was going on. I wouldn't call the idea a cliche, but it was certainly familiar, so once Pinkie stepped outside, it became immediately clear the direction the author had taken. That said, maybe it's just me. But I think regarding any story, it really benefits me to be a little patient if I don't immediately understand everything that's going on, and read through to see what the author has done to resolve that. Though you can go too far with hiding things in your story (I am guilty of that), not every story works perfectly by unveiling all of the salient points as it goes.
About Pinkie's new name: I've liked (and incorporated) the idea of children's names changing as they mature - it seems like a natural headcannon, considering how well pony names fit them. To me this seems like a really solid idea to use in Pinkie's case.
That said, it doesn't seem like too much of a stretch to imagine that Igneous and Cloudy would still use Pinkie's formal name, while acknowledging out of respect that 'Pinkie Pie' is what their daughter wishes to know herself as and be known by. I think that once the other problems are ironed out, the understanding around this could be increased with a few minor edits to reinforce the idea of Pinkie's new identity.
I feel that this story did what it set out to do, and the author really only needs fix the minor problems others have already mentioned. I could only nitpick from there, so I'll give it a rest. Really nice work.
I liked this story, and honestly had no trouble figuring out what was going on. I wouldn't call the idea a cliche, but it was certainly familiar, so once Pinkie stepped outside, it became immediately clear the direction the author had taken. That said, maybe it's just me. But I think regarding any story, it really benefits me to be a little patient if I don't immediately understand everything that's going on, and read through to see what the author has done to resolve that. Though you can go too far with hiding things in your story (I am guilty of that), not every story works perfectly by unveiling all of the salient points as it goes.
About Pinkie's new name: I've liked (and incorporated) the idea of children's names changing as they mature - it seems like a natural headcannon, considering how well pony names fit them. To me this seems like a really solid idea to use in Pinkie's case.
That said, it doesn't seem like too much of a stretch to imagine that Igneous and Cloudy would still use Pinkie's formal name, while acknowledging out of respect that 'Pinkie Pie' is what their daughter wishes to know herself as and be known by. I think that once the other problems are ironed out, the understanding around this could be increased with a few minor edits to reinforce the idea of Pinkie's new identity.
I feel that this story did what it set out to do, and the author really only needs fix the minor problems others have already mentioned. I could only nitpick from there, so I'll give it a rest. Really nice work.
>>Morning Sun This is very much how I feel about this story.
The only thing that throws me off is this:
Why is it significant enough to include the fact that AJ's legs are so toned? I get the fact of it, and likely what you're getting at, but you included it as though it's important (an AJ's Cannon, so to speak), but it's never hinted at why this word specifically is so important. A stronger word or phrase really feels needed, here, something that doesn't make it seem like AJ was going for athletic good looks over simply gettin' the orchards cleared.
Aside from that, the ending left me with a strong sense of "How would I feel about this if I were AJ?" To take it any further than that would make this an entirely different story, and I feel it's very well-contained as it is. Nicely done.
The only thing that throws me off is this:
“Yeah,” Applejack said, glancing back at her own hindlegs, toned from years of apple bucking.
Why is it significant enough to include the fact that AJ's legs are so toned? I get the fact of it, and likely what you're getting at, but you included it as though it's important (an AJ's Cannon, so to speak), but it's never hinted at why this word specifically is so important. A stronger word or phrase really feels needed, here, something that doesn't make it seem like AJ was going for athletic good looks over simply gettin' the orchards cleared.
Aside from that, the ending left me with a strong sense of "How would I feel about this if I were AJ?" To take it any further than that would make this an entirely different story, and I feel it's very well-contained as it is. Nicely done.
>>Southpaw
I think the 'toned' makes sense. Another word or phrase would probably be stronger, but it makes sense to include at least a small description of how apple bucking has affected her physically. 'Toned' implies physically fit, or at least physically capable. That her fitness/capability/usefulness comes specifically from apple bucking, something that is quickly being outmoded, is important to the story. Usually 'toned' would be a positive adjective, showing health or hard work, but here there's something wan and pessimistic about it.
My only real criticism of the use of 'toned' would be that the word is used so often to describe both Applejack and Rainbow Dash's physical condition that it's become sort of cliche. It's one of those words that has been used so many times that it's stopped meaning much of anything anymore.
I think the 'toned' makes sense. Another word or phrase would probably be stronger, but it makes sense to include at least a small description of how apple bucking has affected her physically. 'Toned' implies physically fit, or at least physically capable. That her fitness/capability/usefulness comes specifically from apple bucking, something that is quickly being outmoded, is important to the story. Usually 'toned' would be a positive adjective, showing health or hard work, but here there's something wan and pessimistic about it.
My only real criticism of the use of 'toned' would be that the word is used so often to describe both Applejack and Rainbow Dash's physical condition that it's become sort of cliche. It's one of those words that has been used so many times that it's stopped meaning much of anything anymore.
I enjoyed this, though I'm really kicking myself for reading early comments on this. I just had to peek under the black bars. :P
A couple of things stuck out the most for me:
The girls just spent middle of the story contemplating this question, in one way or another, so this line feels a bit hammered-in as a setup for the next paragraph. You might consider using something else more natural to fit the response that follows.
Also, many of Scootaloo's lines sound very un-Scootaloo. When she isn't actually like Rainbow, she's deliberately acting like her, and it really comes out in her speech. Scoots, here, is too well-spoken... In my opinion. :)
That said, I'd also go through and make sure the rest of the lines are well in character. Some of them just feel a bit off.
So, this is a cute story that could use just a little brush-up.
A couple of things stuck out the most for me:
The three of them took a mutual deep breath and a deep sigh before Sweetie Belle asked, “Just how much trouble do you think we’re in, anyway?”
The girls just spent middle of the story contemplating this question, in one way or another, so this line feels a bit hammered-in as a setup for the next paragraph. You might consider using something else more natural to fit the response that follows.
Also, many of Scootaloo's lines sound very un-Scootaloo. When she isn't actually like Rainbow, she's deliberately acting like her, and it really comes out in her speech. Scoots, here, is too well-spoken... In my opinion. :)
That said, I'd also go through and make sure the rest of the lines are well in character. Some of them just feel a bit off.
So, this is a cute story that could use just a little brush-up.
>>HoofBitingActionOverload Well, that's more or less what I said, but I'm glad we agree. ;)
Toned is a word we often see used to describe how we keep ourselves "fit", and how that gives a healthy, athletic appearance.
My point is that because of that, toned gives the line that feeling, something that I doubt AJ would be concerned about since 1) that never seems to be a priority for her (give that to Rarity), and 2) she's a seriously healthy earthpony who shakes trees for a living with those legs. I think the line would be stronger without the adjective, or with a different one that doesn't stress form over substance. That would feel (to me) much more AJ and earthpony-like.
I absolutely agree. :)
Toned is a word we often see used to describe how we keep ourselves "fit", and how that gives a healthy, athletic appearance.
My point is that because of that, toned gives the line that feeling, something that I doubt AJ would be concerned about since 1) that never seems to be a priority for her (give that to Rarity), and 2) she's a seriously healthy earthpony who shakes trees for a living with those legs. I think the line would be stronger without the adjective, or with a different one that doesn't stress form over substance. That would feel (to me) much more AJ and earthpony-like.
My only real criticism of the use of 'toned' would be that the word is used so often to describe both Applejack and Rainbow Dash's physical condition that it's become sort of cliche. It's one of those words that has been used so many times that it's stopped meaning much of anything anymore.
I absolutely agree. :)
I’m not really into shipping and all that stuff, but that one wasn’t bad. ‘Teal’ for me is not properly a shade of blue, since it shares the same quantity of blue and green, and viridian, that comes from the Latin word for green, is really more green than blue. You could’ve chosen turquoise, zaffre or ultramarine instead.
The third, unnamed pony could be Rainbow Dash, but I’d more likely plump for Luna, as she’s the one who’s blue in every respect.
Otherwise, I’ll just agree with most other commenters, in that choosing Fluttershy seems rather odd here, unless you initially wanted to finish by a twist (like: the third pony is Fluttershy, and Rarity has lied to her so she wouldn’t suss anything). It’s a sweet piece, though.
The third, unnamed pony could be Rainbow Dash, but I’d more likely plump for Luna, as she’s the one who’s blue in every respect.
Otherwise, I’ll just agree with most other commenters, in that choosing Fluttershy seems rather odd here, unless you initially wanted to finish by a twist (like: the third pony is Fluttershy, and Rarity has lied to her so she wouldn’t suss anything). It’s a sweet piece, though.
Applejack grinned. “Well, you know what I say, anything for family.” She glanced over the eastern orchard and grinned.
“You like it?” Apple Bumpkin grinned as she stepped inside, moving alongside the familiar-looking contraption.
“Nope!” Apple Bumpkin grinned as she leaned against the side of the machine. “I know you don’t have a unicorn out there on Sweet Apple Acres, but maybe y’all should consider pitchin’ in with one of the other families to get one of these. It’s been a mercy on my hindquarters.” She glanced back at her hind legs and grinned.
There's a lot of grinning in this story. Apparently smiling is out of fashion.
I forget which author said it originally, but attempting to write dialect as is spoken, with apostrophes standing in for dropped letters, usually doesn't add to the narrative.
This story is an interesting concept, but that's really all I got from it. I wish I could say it broke new ground, but isn't it just re-stating the Super Squeezy episode without the con-artist aspect?
There’s a deliberate will here to blow smoke and obfuscate the reality, probably the imprisoned creature strives to confuse the coroner or whoever that ‘you’ represents, and it’s a nice part of the story. What’s less nice is that you’re also telling a story that is hardly understandable. How many Lyras are there in town? I got three: the true one, one faked of the changeling species, and the one that speaks here.
You challenged us to unravel a ball of wool that you have deliberately tangled, and it’s a pretty difficult task. As a result, this left me partly unsatisfied. I like the final sentence, though.
You challenged us to unravel a ball of wool that you have deliberately tangled, and it’s a pretty difficult task. As a result, this left me partly unsatisfied. I like the final sentence, though.
A tiny organ organ played: that’s a stereorgan? :P
sammies: that’s an Aussie word?
he owed money to a lot of ponies money: one “money for nothing”! :B
but found herself bombarded by ponies the cacophony of their excited chatter — Uh?
I don’t know what I shall deduce of these flubs. Maybe that you edited your story at the last minute?
It’s a pleasant story, well told and competently written, but it does not really stand out. I don’t understand why Spitfire didn’t simply walk out rather than humouring the attendants. At least, that’s what I’d have done if I were her. But I like the way you depicted the rascal that died. That poor guy had really all the sins deeply ingrained under his coat! He must have lived a cheerful life… :P
Oh, and I agree with the others: the last line is a clunker.
sammies: that’s an Aussie word?
he owed money to a lot of ponies money: one “money for nothing”! :B
but found herself bombarded by ponies the cacophony of their excited chatter — Uh?
I don’t know what I shall deduce of these flubs. Maybe that you edited your story at the last minute?
It’s a pleasant story, well told and competently written, but it does not really stand out. I don’t understand why Spitfire didn’t simply walk out rather than humouring the attendants. At least, that’s what I’d have done if I were her. But I like the way you depicted the rascal that died. That poor guy had really all the sins deeply ingrained under his coat! He must have lived a cheerful life… :P
Oh, and I agree with the others: the last line is a clunker.
>>Calipony
"Sammies" is a cutesy way of saying "sandwiches". It's probably more American than anything.
"Sammies" is a cutesy way of saying "sandwiches". It's probably more American than anything.
I realize that vee-face is catchy. :V And so I am obligated to share.
For an example to what it actually refers to, see Dogris (the pink VG Dog version of Aeris, who is practically my spirit animal) in the second-to-last panel, below.
http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=243
It was the best Writeoff ever. :V
For an example to what it actually refers to, see Dogris (the pink VG Dog version of Aeris, who is practically my spirit animal) in the second-to-last panel, below.
http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=243
It was the best Writeoff ever. :V
Love dark fics. Love authors exploring difficult emotions and situations (not that I don't like light-hearted reads, too). Loved this. Pony or not, the conversation between your two characters was great. The truth never had to be said out loud in the end.
With all of that said, her doctor's name was kinda cringeworthy.
With all of that said, her doctor's name was kinda cringeworthy.
I have to echo what >>Trick_Question said here. It would have been more powerful for me if the end was left open. Still, I thought this was great! Like others have said, Dash's ignorance on the subject matter was a bit hamfisted. But still, I loved the premise, and enjoyed how you pulled it off for the most part.
>>Trick_Question
Yeah, I say Aussie because my dictionary registers the world as ‘Austral’. But okay if it’s American too.
Hammie would be a hamburger then? :B
Yeah, I say Aussie because my dictionary registers the world as ‘Austral’. But okay if it’s American too.
Hammie would be a hamburger then? :B
>>Calipony
Mm, no. Hammie suggests "ham" too much outside of context.
I'm not sure if "sammie" has the same connotation in Australia. For one, "rooting for" here means to support one side in a competition (by cheering, hoping, etc.), whereas "rooting" there means buy some apples.
Mm, no. Hammie suggests "ham" too much outside of context.
I'm not sure if "sammie" has the same connotation in Australia. For one, "rooting for" here means to support one side in a competition (by cheering, hoping, etc.), whereas "rooting" there means buy some apples.
>>Trick_Question
Well, isn’t a hamburger a burger with ham? ;B
It wouldn't be the first time that Aussies take a word and construe it wrongly. What do you expect of people that walk with their heads down? :P
Well, isn’t a hamburger a burger with ham? ;B
It wouldn't be the first time that Aussies take a word and construe it wrongly. What do you expect of people that walk with their heads down? :P
Interesting experiment, but trying to explore the backstory of something I'm not caring about by any means is going to fail. That, pared with the fact that the only section that created some sort of sensation in my head was the one talking about electronic music, which I don't particularly fancy, made this piece rather dull.
Very heavy on the dialogue; leaves me with little visual input. No doubt due to word constrain. For me, the story worked but for the doctor backing down too quickly. Parts of the dialogue make me think assisted suicide isn't legal, or at least would damage the doctor's reputation, so there's far too much at stake for him to give in as quickly as he did.
As for the 'pony isn't relevant' criticism: I didn't mind.
Another word on your opener:
I don't know how common 'in-patient' is, but I had to look it up, and my dictionary says it's a medical term. This threw me off, so the whole line didn't work as a hook.
As for the 'pony isn't relevant' criticism: I didn't mind.
Another word on your opener:
“You need in-patient treatment, and you need it now.”
I don't know how common 'in-patient' is, but I had to look it up, and my dictionary says it's a medical term. This threw me off, so the whole line didn't work as a hook.
I agree with the other reviewer's criticism of the last line, but it's not the only instance of telling I've found. Telling where showing would be better isn't good, but what really sticks out like a soar thumb is telling which clashes with the things shown. The last line does that, but I've found another instance:
Here, the 'damnit' signifies a definite end to Spitfire's screed, so when I'm told her screed was interruped although it was not, my imagination kinda jams. An IMO better alternative would've been:
What this does is not only get rid of the awkward tellling part, but also emphasizes Spitfire's POV, since during her rant she wouldn't have noticed any approaching pony, which puts us in her (horse)shoes if the approach of Soarin is sudden.
I definitely see a lot of room for improvement here.
By the way, a question directed at the proofreading geniuses:
Does that qualify as a comma splice? Always having trouble with those.
... but we’re still ponies, damnit!”
Before Spitfire could finish her screed, Soarin approached the two, dressed in uniform, carrying wafer cookies and tiny sandwiches.
“Hey, ladies,” he said before...
Here, the 'damnit' signifies a definite end to Spitfire's screed, so when I'm told her screed was interruped although it was not, my imagination kinda jams. An IMO better alternative would've been:
... but we're still--"
"Hey, ladies." Soarin, laden with cookies and sandwiches, and dressed in his uniform, had crept up on them.
What this does is not only get rid of the awkward tellling part, but also emphasizes Spitfire's POV, since during her rant she wouldn't have noticed any approaching pony, which puts us in her (horse)shoes if the approach of Soarin is sudden.
I definitely see a lot of room for improvement here.
By the way, a question directed at the proofreading geniuses:
So what do we do, mingle?
Does that qualify as a comma splice? Always having trouble with those.
>>wYvern
I don't know what a comma splice is, but that is a correct use of a comma.
Technically correct might be to use a colon there, but generally speaking if you can put a comma in place of a colon or semicolon, you should. That's 100% comma territory.
I don't know what a comma splice is, but that is a correct use of a comma.
Technically correct might be to use a colon there, but generally speaking if you can put a comma in place of a colon or semicolon, you should. That's 100% comma territory.
>>wYvern
>>Trick_Question
I believe the "mingle" in this sense would be considered an appositive, a word that modifies the word "do."
>>Trick_Question
I believe the "mingle" in this sense would be considered an appositive, a word that modifies the word "do."
>>Cold in Gardez
The definition of appositive I found is "a noun phrase that renames or restates the preceding noun or pronoun", and I can't find an example where the term is being used for two verbs. Are you sure it applies here?
>>Trick_Question
A comma splice is the separation of two independent clauses by a comma.
That is a comma splice, I believe (like I said, having problems with these.)
The definition of appositive I found is "a noun phrase that renames or restates the preceding noun or pronoun", and I can't find an example where the term is being used for two verbs. Are you sure it applies here?
>>Trick_Question
A comma splice is the separation of two independent clauses by a comma.
You will not be doing any ‘mingling’, just stand here and look solemn.
That is a comma splice, I believe (like I said, having problems with these.)
I'll echo Trick_Question here: nothing about this story was vivid, and while some of the inner monologue was fine ("Pride. Ha." was a good line), things like "It was the only warmth she could feel anymore." were rather cringeworthy.
I did't mind the gradual character reveal since I didn't really care whose survivor's guilt this was. What I do mind though is the nature of the flashbacks. Flashbacks are a tricky thing to write I guess, I can't recall a story where I've read any that were actually beneficial to it, but these injections of this apparently action-scene-like dialogue without any context or imagery do nothing but interrupt the mood the other parts of the fic try to set.
I can't say the fic did much for me. Sorry.
I did't mind the gradual character reveal since I didn't really care whose survivor's guilt this was. What I do mind though is the nature of the flashbacks. Flashbacks are a tricky thing to write I guess, I can't recall a story where I've read any that were actually beneficial to it, but these injections of this apparently action-scene-like dialogue without any context or imagery do nothing but interrupt the mood the other parts of the fic try to set.
I can't say the fic did much for me. Sorry.
This one's pretty cool.
About the ending, though... the author will soon be able to tell us, but the way I read it initally was that Chrysalis realized she loved herself and the prisoner was just a husk that let her expierence that (hence the empty stomach of hers), and once she realizes with the pictures, she just dumps him. Upon closer observation though, that hypothesis doesn't really cut it. Why dump him in a village and not the swamp? Why take his tongue? Hmmm...
About the ending, though... the author will soon be able to tell us, but the way I read it initally was that Chrysalis realized she loved herself and the prisoner was just a husk that let her expierence that (hence the empty stomach of hers), and once she realizes with the pictures, she just dumps him. Upon closer observation though, that hypothesis doesn't really cut it. Why dump him in a village and not the swamp? Why take his tongue? Hmmm...
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Trick_Question
After one and a half hours of wiki crawling and googling, I now know what an oronym is, know that there's a linguistic term called ejaculation, and how to use postpositional phrases as disjunct adverbials. I've found no proof that verbs can stand in appositive-like relation to one another, but I also haven't found any other explanation for the grammatical relationship between 'mingling' and the rest of the phrase.
By this time tomorrow, I'll have to create an account on one of them grammar guru boards and open a thread if nopony can save me from the pains of ignorance. :raritydespair:
>>Trick_Question
After one and a half hours of wiki crawling and googling, I now know what an oronym is, know that there's a linguistic term called ejaculation, and how to use postpositional phrases as disjunct adverbials. I've found no proof that verbs can stand in appositive-like relation to one another, but I also haven't found any other explanation for the grammatical relationship between 'mingling' and the rest of the phrase.
By this time tomorrow, I'll have to create an account on one of them grammar guru boards and open a thread if nopony can save me from the pains of ignorance. :raritydespair:
>>wYvern >>Trick_Question >>Cold in Gardez
Maybe this will help?
Mingle? and okay? are their own self-supporting clauses, truncated and spliced together with their main clauses via a comma. Or something like that. 8P
What it said:
What it meant:
Or just above that in the story:
What it said:
What it meant::
Maybe this will help?
Mingle? and okay? are their own self-supporting clauses, truncated and spliced together with their main clauses via a comma. Or something like that. 8P
What it said:
"So what do we do, mingle?"
What it meant:
"So what do we do? (Should we) Mingle?"
Or just above that in the story:
What it said:
"...so let’s just be supportive, okay?"
What it meant::
"...so let’s just be supportive. (Is that) Okay (with you)?
I really liked this story. About the only flaw I can see is that I think it would do better expanded a bit; as is, it feels like it tries to squeeze a lot of thoughtfulness into a very small space.
Also "It is our choices that we should fear. Not our feelings." is such a great line. I may have to steal it.
Also "It is our choices that we should fear. Not our feelings." is such a great line. I may have to steal it.
I had the idea of writing a story about Trixie faking her own death, but this is a lot better than anything I could have come up with. Bravo :)
It was quick, being a minific, but I thought that worked well by turning it into a whirlwind of craziness. It never settles down long enough for the absurdity to wear thin.
It was quick, being a minific, but I thought that worked well by turning it into a whirlwind of craziness. It never settles down long enough for the absurdity to wear thin.
Okay, that was weird. O.o
It took me a minute to fully grasp the time loop... But i'm still scratching my head a bit... If Trixie traveled forward in time to see her own funeral, it means the spell should have ended and sent her back to when she left... So shouldn't her corpse have appeared 20 years ago, and her funeral have been then? I mean, why did her funeral occur 20 years in the future, as opposed to 10? or 100? The same thing could have happened at any of those time frames, and Twilight could have tossed her body back two days... But why even do that?
Ugh! Time travel gives me a major headache.
Still, not too bad and somewhat amusing. :)
It took me a minute to fully grasp the time loop... But i'm still scratching my head a bit... If Trixie traveled forward in time to see her own funeral, it means the spell should have ended and sent her back to when she left... So shouldn't her corpse have appeared 20 years ago, and her funeral have been then? I mean, why did her funeral occur 20 years in the future, as opposed to 10? or 100? The same thing could have happened at any of those time frames, and Twilight could have tossed her body back two days... But why even do that?
Ugh! Time travel gives me a major headache.
Still, not too bad and somewhat amusing. :)
Applejack speaking of Twilight in the past tense is a pretty big giveaway. But that's alright with me, since I don't think the surprise is necessary; it doesn't really add anything to the story. Leaving it hinted at but ambiguous until the end works just as well.
Other than that.. I dunno, I have trouble imagining everyone acting this way under those circumstances. At least some of them seemed to be taking it far too well.
Other than that.. I dunno, I have trouble imagining everyone acting this way under those circumstances. At least some of them seemed to be taking it far too well.
This was a crackfic. It may pretend not to be for the first half, but in the end it doesn't try to make sense. But it was a glorious crackfic, and therefor I don't mind that it isn't realistic, nor did the language bother me.
Also Celestia totally deserved it.
Also Celestia totally deserved it.
I enjoyed it, but it leaves me in an odd place. Not in an uncomfortable sense, but I'm not sure how to comment.
Like several others, I managed to see the reveal coming. It makes the story a little weird, looking back. They seem pretty casual about the situation, except possibly Fluttershy.
Wouldn't they be in mourning?
I understand it's meant to be a misdirection, but it sets the wrong tone for the impact you'd be going for.
Besides that, though, I have to wonder: where are Princess Celestia and Princess Cadance?
Like several others, I managed to see the reveal coming. It makes the story a little weird, looking back. They seem pretty casual about the situation, except possibly Fluttershy.
Wouldn't they be in mourning?
I understand it's meant to be a misdirection, but it sets the wrong tone for the impact you'd be going for.
Besides that, though, I have to wonder: where are Princess Celestia and Princess Cadance?
>>Southpaw
>>Trick_Question
>>wYvern
I'm going to agree with Southpaw that:
Is how the phrase would be properly constructed. However! Remember that this snippet appeared in quotations, which means it should not be judged by the same standards of grammatical correctness as narrative. The author was writing dialogue in the way that actual humans speak, and they should not be punished for doing so.
Disclaimer: No, I'm not the author.
>>Trick_Question
>>wYvern
I'm going to agree with Southpaw that:
"So what do we do? (Should we) Mingle?"
Is how the phrase would be properly constructed. However! Remember that this snippet appeared in quotations, which means it should not be judged by the same standards of grammatical correctness as narrative. The author was writing dialogue in the way that actual humans speak, and they should not be punished for doing so.
Disclaimer: No, I'm not the author.
The waves of hunger thing seemed natural enough to me. Even if Changelings don't have a true hive mind, it doesn't seem unreasonable that Chrysalis has a mental connection to her hive.
Other than that, a very interesting story, I just don't have much to comment about it. The cutting out the tongue seems a little odd in hindsight, him being a unicorn, but is a reasonable enough precaution for her to take. Maybe changelings don't have writing and so she didn't think about it?
Other than that, a very interesting story, I just don't have much to comment about it. The cutting out the tongue seems a little odd in hindsight, him being a unicorn, but is a reasonable enough precaution for her to take. Maybe changelings don't have writing and so she didn't think about it?
Ah, the Flim Flam brothers... How sad that they never seem to realize that they could make their fortune by simply going legit.
I thought this was a pretty good, clever little story. My one major quibble is that it seems a bit of a stretch for Flim and Flam to have gone from small time shysters to murderer's (well, attempted murderer's at any rate.) That stunt with the hazelnuts could hardly be considered anything else.
Hmmmm.. I wonder how long it will take before someone finds them... ;>
All in all, pretty solid I'd say!
I thought this was a pretty good, clever little story. My one major quibble is that it seems a bit of a stretch for Flim and Flam to have gone from small time shysters to murderer's (well, attempted murderer's at any rate.) That stunt with the hazelnuts could hardly be considered anything else.
Hmmmm.. I wonder how long it will take before someone finds them... ;>
All in all, pretty solid I'd say!
This story has a few things going for it: a chance to look at a minor character in a new light; relatable feelings that still carry a flavor unique to that character; and a strong finish.
However, it stumbles a bit in the execution.
Right now, I'd describe Thunderlane's troubles as more "abstract". For example, he works a job he doesn't like. What doesn't he like about it? He hopes to leave a lasting impression on the world. How might he do that as an astronomer?
Things like this would add more depth to his character, and thus make his troubles and feelings more meaningful to the reader.
However, it stumbles a bit in the execution.
Right now, I'd describe Thunderlane's troubles as more "abstract". For example, he works a job he doesn't like. What doesn't he like about it? He hopes to leave a lasting impression on the world. How might he do that as an astronomer?
Things like this would add more depth to his character, and thus make his troubles and feelings more meaningful to the reader.
I really liked this story. I don't really agree with CyanRecluse about the inconsistencies; I think the idea of looking into the future locking you onto a path makes logical sense, with certain assumptions about how free will and time travel works in the setting. Similarly, Celestia's assumptions about how long it lasts make sense if Luna saw herself dying in 19,000 years, particularly if she saw herself dying of old age; Celestia might then assume that since she saw nothing, Luna was right up against the limit of the spell but Celestia will outlive her.
Celestia allowing Twilight to make her own choice seems consistent with her character. About the only inconsistency I agree with is Twilight not deciding to wait and think about it, but even that makes sense; she's never been portrayed as perfect.
Celestia allowing Twilight to make her own choice seems consistent with her character. About the only inconsistency I agree with is Twilight not deciding to wait and think about it, but even that makes sense; she's never been portrayed as perfect.
Twilight knows she will not make it in time to make any difference.
Here's a thought:
Teleport.
Okay, with that out of the way, on with the rest of the review.
Overall, I liked it. Although there were a few... inelegant lines, the writing and the language were used to good effect.
I liked the idea of young Twilight trying to find a spark in Spike's egg, but I feel that all of the talk about lessons and... plants... that surrounds it just distracts us from it. Not to mention how long it pulls us away from the
This poses a lot of questions and gives us very few answers. I could dwell on that, but I'll just say it's difficult to do that to a reader and not leave them feeling slighted.
I quite liked the characterizations here, particularly Fluttershy's at the end: withholding tears until the moment she's with Rainbow Dash.
My greatest complaint, though, is that it goes exactly as anticipated. Not every story has to have a twist. We all know the good guys will win in the end. But if we can tell it won't end, and the characters know and say it won't end well, it all just seems like an exercise in futility if we're not provided with some sort of reason or explanation.
I quite liked the characterizations here, particularly Fluttershy's at the end: withholding tears until the moment she's with Rainbow Dash.
My greatest complaint, though, is that it goes exactly as anticipated. Not every story has to have a twist. We all know the good guys will win in the end. But if we can tell it won't end, and the characters know and say it won't end well, it all just seems like an exercise in futility if we're not provided with some sort of reason or explanation.
I liked it, as I often do with Daring Do stories.
I had a minor heart attack when Pumpernickel first asked if she was really coming back.
That one line turned the entire story on its head.
He's nervous, and she can see it. The story goes out of its way to tell us that she can see it. He won't last long enough for her to get the weight and come back. There were many ways for this story to play out, and Daring makes the noble choice.
Excellent.
Though I fear the worst. "Pumpernickel" doesn't exactly sound like an adventurer's name, after all.
Anyway, this was great. Vivid imagery and solid use of language made this an emotional roller coaster, and I'm glad I got to take a ride.
Also, I loved the shout-out to the ceiling-crocodiles.
Thank you for writing.
I had a minor heart attack when Pumpernickel first asked if she was really coming back.
That one line turned the entire story on its head.
He's nervous, and she can see it. The story goes out of its way to tell us that she can see it. He won't last long enough for her to get the weight and come back. There were many ways for this story to play out, and Daring makes the noble choice.
Excellent.
Though I fear the worst. "Pumpernickel" doesn't exactly sound like an adventurer's name, after all.
Anyway, this was great. Vivid imagery and solid use of language made this an emotional roller coaster, and I'm glad I got to take a ride.
Also, I loved the shout-out to the ceiling-crocodiles.
Thank you for writing.
>>Cold in Gardez I totally agree with this. I wasn't actually offering my thoughts as a reason to mark the author down, but to add what I thought might help this particular discussion resolve a little clearer. I'm much more concerned with what ultimately makes a story work well than in sticking to super-hard rules of grammar.
As lovely as the descriptions of the massive thunderhead are, the characters really detract from the story for me. They lack depth - Cirrus is doing a dumb thing without a good reason why, and Alto is a wet blanket. They aren't given the room they need to be anything more than that, and one of the reasons why is they both repeat themselves.
Given the tight constraints in a minific round, you can't afford to waste even a single phrase like this, Writer, let alone have both of your characters be guilty of it.
If Cirrus doesn't give a damn whether he lives or dies, you need to be able to provide a reason why I should give a damn whether he lives or dies. As the story stands, Cirrus is unlikable enough that Alto can't hope to provide that reason within the word limit. If the other comments are to be believed, you may have (perhaps subconsciously) relied on previous experience with these characters to lend them some weight.
All that said, the scenery is painted beautifully enough to keep it in the top half of my slate. You have a real talent for description, Writer. Had the character interaction been of comparable quality, this would have received top marks.
Final Thought: I Do Love a Good Thunderstorm
“Lighten up, Alto. You’re too serious, sometimes.”
“One of us has to be.”
“I will not! One of us has to be sensible, and—hey, come back!”
“Life isn’t safe,” he shot back.
“Maybe. But life is dangerous.
Given the tight constraints in a minific round, you can't afford to waste even a single phrase like this, Writer, let alone have both of your characters be guilty of it.
“Fun? You could get killed!”
“Eh.”
If Cirrus doesn't give a damn whether he lives or dies, you need to be able to provide a reason why I should give a damn whether he lives or dies. As the story stands, Cirrus is unlikable enough that Alto can't hope to provide that reason within the word limit. If the other comments are to be believed, you may have (perhaps subconsciously) relied on previous experience with these characters to lend them some weight.
All that said, the scenery is painted beautifully enough to keep it in the top half of my slate. You have a real talent for description, Writer. Had the character interaction been of comparable quality, this would have received top marks.
Final Thought: I Do Love a Good Thunderstorm
I'm curious how long it's been since Luna's return.
This was pretty good. It poses a classic philosophical dilemma, and the characters illustrate it well.
Despite being mostly dialogue, pacing stays appropriate and it avoids feeling like talking-heads.
In all, nice work.
This was pretty good. It poses a classic philosophical dilemma, and the characters illustrate it well.
Despite being mostly dialogue, pacing stays appropriate and it avoids feeling like talking-heads.
In all, nice work.
Well I finally have all of the stories read and voted on. Yay!
There are many good stories in this run, and I honestly feel bad placing some above/below others, so I'm thankful for the absolution provided by group-vote and mystical magical, statistical wizardry. ;)
So I'm curious: How does everyone feel about the new Writeoff forum in general?
I actually like the way the site turned out. Aside from a few much-needed tweaks, the only real complaint I could make is that it felt a little less homey and more like reviews had completely taken over. The format kind of lends itself to that, but hopefully it will all even out over time.
There are many good stories in this run, and I honestly feel bad placing some above/below others, so I'm thankful for the absolution provided by group-vote and mystical magical, statistical wizardry. ;)
So I'm curious: How does everyone feel about the new Writeoff forum in general?
I actually like the way the site turned out. Aside from a few much-needed tweaks, the only real complaint I could make is that it felt a little less homey and more like reviews had completely taken over. The format kind of lends itself to that, but hopefully it will all even out over time.
Vivid imagery is always appreciated.
Unfortunately, this story doesn't have much else going for it.
Given that they're original characters in a minific, Alto and Cirrus don't have a lot of room to grow as characters. They establish who they are and stick with it. Such is the limitations of a minific.
This is compounded by the fact that their interactions go in circles. All that accomplishes is cementing what we've already learned about them.
Still, the descriptions are impressive, and I was invested enough to want to know what happens next.
Unfortunately, this story doesn't have much else going for it.
Given that they're original characters in a minific, Alto and Cirrus don't have a lot of room to grow as characters. They establish who they are and stick with it. Such is the limitations of a minific.
This is compounded by the fact that their interactions go in circles. All that accomplishes is cementing what we've already learned about them.
Still, the descriptions are impressive, and I was invested enough to want to know what happens next.
I'm not sure how to feel about this one. It's competently written, but a bit lacking.
It's interesting to consider that this is about more than obsolete harvesting methods. It's about traditional values. The Apple family saw that Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 was a quality machine, but believed in the value of hard work. They had pride in being farmers working the land.
I guess they just took for granted that other farmers would feel the same way.
It's an interesting crisis to present to Applejack, but I would've appreciated it if it were explored a bit more. Clearly it's given her food for thought, but some sort of indication on what she might consider doing would be nice.
It's interesting to consider that this is about more than obsolete harvesting methods. It's about traditional values. The Apple family saw that Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 was a quality machine, but believed in the value of hard work. They had pride in being farmers working the land.
I guess they just took for granted that other farmers would feel the same way.
It's an interesting crisis to present to Applejack, but I would've appreciated it if it were explored a bit more. Clearly it's given her food for thought, but some sort of indication on what she might consider doing would be nice.
>>Southpaw
The stories having their own comment threads is pretty nice. Overall, though, I think I kind of prefer the fimfiction forum.
The stories having their own comment threads is pretty nice. Overall, though, I think I kind of prefer the fimfiction forum.
A lollipop moment story, which is nice. People need to learn more about lollipop moments.
>>Trick_Question
>>wYvern
Commas cannot be used to separate logically independent clauses: “He woke up, the sun was already shining” is a comma splice: the two parts are unrelated. The comma cannot be used to indicate a logical implication, it’s only used to stake off fragments and clarify the meaning of the sentence (or for rhythmical purposes).
There was a comma splice in one of the stories I reviewed, but I’ve lost it. In the sentence I wrote, the comma should go away and be replaced by a colon or a full stop (in that case).
Apposition would be a word or fragment that complements another word or fragment: “He was tough, though soft in the middle at times, that’s why he didn’t even flinch.” The whole fragment between commas in an apposition to ‘he’. Note that an apposition, much like an adjective, can be taken away without the meaning of the sentence being (much) altered (or at least becoming grammatically wrong).
>>wYvern
Commas cannot be used to separate logically independent clauses: “He woke up, the sun was already shining” is a comma splice: the two parts are unrelated. The comma cannot be used to indicate a logical implication, it’s only used to stake off fragments and clarify the meaning of the sentence (or for rhythmical purposes).
There was a comma splice in one of the stories I reviewed, but I’ve lost it. In the sentence I wrote, the comma should go away and be replaced by a colon or a full stop (in that case).
Apposition would be a word or fragment that complements another word or fragment: “He was tough, though soft in the middle at times, that’s why he didn’t even flinch.” The whole fragment between commas in an apposition to ‘he’. Note that an apposition, much like an adjective, can be taken away without the meaning of the sentence being (much) altered (or at least becoming grammatically wrong).
>>Southpaw
So there isn't really a grammatical term since in non-direct speech, it probably wouldn't be acceptable, huh? Your explanation makes a lot of sense, thanks!
>>Cold in Gardez
You taking the author's side is cute, but unnecessary -- at least against me. I admit the comma felt odd to me, since I would've used a second question mark instead. However, that would lead to a different sentence melody. A colon or even full-stop in its place would lead to a probably unintended pause. The comma, therefore, is the right choice.
Sure, people talk like that. I thought there would be a term for it though, and I saw it as an opportunity to learn (english is a second language for me.) I believe that where rules get in the way of clarity and/or expression, they have to go. Who would judge a Pinkie Pie story negatively because it has run on sentences because that's just the way she talks and if she does it like that there's rather a reason to judge it for not having them *gasp*. I'm always keen on knowing which rules are being bent, though.
So there isn't really a grammatical term since in non-direct speech, it probably wouldn't be acceptable, huh? Your explanation makes a lot of sense, thanks!
>>Cold in Gardez
You taking the author's side is cute, but unnecessary -- at least against me. I admit the comma felt odd to me, since I would've used a second question mark instead. However, that would lead to a different sentence melody. A colon or even full-stop in its place would lead to a probably unintended pause. The comma, therefore, is the right choice.
Sure, people talk like that. I thought there would be a term for it though, and I saw it as an opportunity to learn (english is a second language for me.) I believe that where rules get in the way of clarity and/or expression, they have to go. Who would judge a Pinkie Pie story negatively because it has run on sentences because that's just the way she talks and if she does it like that there's rather a reason to judge it for not having them *gasp*. I'm always keen on knowing which rules are being bent, though.
Okay, so Lodestone is scheduled to be handed over to the gryphons to be executed tomorrow...
So why is he just wandering around, chatting up sirens today? I mean, Equestria seems to have a pretty liberal justice system, but not keeping prisoners, you know, in a prison, seems bit extreme. O.o
Or maybe he's just that good at escaping. But then what is he worried about in the first place?
Aside from that, it's an interesting piece, and makes good and unique use of the sirens... But it feels like it's just a piece of a bigger story, as opposed to a story itself. I suspect a full sized fic based on the concept would be quite good.
So why is he just wandering around, chatting up sirens today? I mean, Equestria seems to have a pretty liberal justice system, but not keeping prisoners, you know, in a prison, seems bit extreme. O.o
Or maybe he's just that good at escaping. But then what is he worried about in the first place?
Aside from that, it's an interesting piece, and makes good and unique use of the sirens... But it feels like it's just a piece of a bigger story, as opposed to a story itself. I suspect a full sized fic based on the concept would be quite good.
>>Trick_Question
I think Bad Horse clearly established it is a duck quacking on its head.
I think Bad Horse clearly established it is a duck quacking on its head.
Loved this one, and the last line was killer. Some of the other reviews picked up on how it might have been a bit too fast paced for its own good, which I kind of agree with – for me personally, it wasn’t much of an issue, but at the same time it be great to see a longer, more fleshed out version of this.
Honestly, Applejack swearing really dragged me out of the story. Whilst I’d certainly concede that there are probably some rare situations in which she might swear, the way in which it was just casually dropped it in felt super out of character, even within the context of the dark alternative universe this story feels like it takes place in.
But I guess that’s just a symptom of my main problem with this. As a story in general, it was perfectly fine… good, even! It’s well written, and had a really great ending which honestly made me laugh. But as a poni fic in particular, I found it somewhat lacking. True, I said it feels like an AU, but never enough so that I could fully buy the attempted murder, or Applejack swearing like that or nailing them shut in a coffin.
But I guess that’s just a symptom of my main problem with this. As a story in general, it was perfectly fine… good, even! It’s well written, and had a really great ending which honestly made me laugh. But as a poni fic in particular, I found it somewhat lacking. True, I said it feels like an AU, but never enough so that I could fully buy the attempted murder, or Applejack swearing like that or nailing them shut in a coffin.
I’m guessing you spend as much time reading Pitchfork reviews as I do?
I really enjoyed this one. The approach was creative without feeling too gimmicky, and I loved how it attempted to tell the story of an entire life within the small word limit.
If I did have to criticize something, it’s that I can definitely understand why some readers found this to be pretentious – some of the descriptions are admittedly pretty out there (‘maybe you too can imagine yourself in some kind of cold chamber, particles of light zipping and bouncing off the walls’). But again, it worked for me. Goodness knows that stuff like that wouldn’t seem out of place in actual music reviews, so I think the writing style here is entirely fitting.
I really enjoyed this one. The approach was creative without feeling too gimmicky, and I loved how it attempted to tell the story of an entire life within the small word limit.
If I did have to criticize something, it’s that I can definitely understand why some readers found this to be pretentious – some of the descriptions are admittedly pretty out there (‘maybe you too can imagine yourself in some kind of cold chamber, particles of light zipping and bouncing off the walls’). But again, it worked for me. Goodness knows that stuff like that wouldn’t seem out of place in actual music reviews, so I think the writing style here is entirely fitting.
>>Southpaw
I'll be quite happy with it once on-site reply notifications are up and running.
I'll be quite happy with it once on-site reply notifications are up and running.
Agree with the general sentiment about the doctor’s name. It felt like a placeholder name, the sort of thing you shove in there until you can think of something better.
I’m in two minds about this fic. I truly appreciated the sincere attempt at tackling a heavy subject matter, but I’m just not convinced it works. Again, to echo what others have been saying, the doctor’s reversal happens too quickly, and everything is wrapped up a little too neatly. The moral choice on display in this story is very deep and complex, with no right or wrong answers – there’s simply not enough room for it to breath here.
But to reiterate, it was brave and ambitious, and for that alone I think it deserves a ton of credit.
I’m in two minds about this fic. I truly appreciated the sincere attempt at tackling a heavy subject matter, but I’m just not convinced it works. Again, to echo what others have been saying, the doctor’s reversal happens too quickly, and everything is wrapped up a little too neatly. The moral choice on display in this story is very deep and complex, with no right or wrong answers – there’s simply not enough room for it to breath here.
But to reiterate, it was brave and ambitious, and for that alone I think it deserves a ton of credit.
Honestly, I’m not sure that I have anything useful to say that hasn’t already been said. Like a few other reviewers, I didn’t buy Cirrus’s motivation, and I would’ve appreciated more insight into his character (I liked the suggestion someone had of replacing him with a young Rainbow Dash, seeing how the show itself has already done all the heavy lifting work establishing what she used to be like).
The main reason I’m commenting though is that I too really loved the descriptions of the clouds and such. This was a very evocative piece, and whilst I had a few issues with the character work, I nevertheless found myself completely absorbed in the writing. Good job, author!
The main reason I’m commenting though is that I too really loved the descriptions of the clouds and such. This was a very evocative piece, and whilst I had a few issues with the character work, I nevertheless found myself completely absorbed in the writing. Good job, author!
Very solid! Thoughtful and touching, and with great dialogue and character development. I hope a longer version is in the works – like other reviewers have said, the extra breathing room would be a great benefit. But even so, I’ve ranked this one highly.
Like others have said, possibly too melodramatic and cliché for its own good, but it made up for it by feeling heartfelt, and with its really strong ending. The prompt drop was used incredibly effectively.
If I had to say something about the actual writing itself, it’s that I wasn’t a fan about the way italics were sometimes used here. I mean, I understand the urge to draw attention to certain words and make sure that they’re read in a certain way – it’s something I’m often guilty of in my own stories – but this story was a reminder of why that isn’t always necessarily a good idea. ‘Or worse, their accolades!’/ ‘A reminder that ponies would never truly master Mother Nature.’ / ‘Said she was a hero.’ In all these examples, the italics drew me out of the story. It felt like hand-holding, a subtle way of telling the reader exactly how they should be feeling instead of having the confidence to let them figure out the emotions for themselves. I think these would all read perfectly fine just on their own, without italics. (For the record, ‘What did they know?’ was a much more effective use, since it really drove home Spitfire’s bitterness).
Don’t get me wrong, I’m being totally nitpicky here, and overall this was a fairly strong entry. But I think that it’s something worth thinking about.
If I had to say something about the actual writing itself, it’s that I wasn’t a fan about the way italics were sometimes used here. I mean, I understand the urge to draw attention to certain words and make sure that they’re read in a certain way – it’s something I’m often guilty of in my own stories – but this story was a reminder of why that isn’t always necessarily a good idea. ‘Or worse, their accolades!’/ ‘A reminder that ponies would never truly master Mother Nature.’ / ‘Said she was a hero.’ In all these examples, the italics drew me out of the story. It felt like hand-holding, a subtle way of telling the reader exactly how they should be feeling instead of having the confidence to let them figure out the emotions for themselves. I think these would all read perfectly fine just on their own, without italics. (For the record, ‘What did they know?’ was a much more effective use, since it really drove home Spitfire’s bitterness).
Don’t get me wrong, I’m being totally nitpicky here, and overall this was a fairly strong entry. But I think that it’s something worth thinking about.
>>TheCyanRecluse
It's an ontological paradox. There isn't a "source" for the twenty-year period.
Consider "It's About Time" from FiM, and pretend the time spell has no limit. Who decided on the time between the spell being cast and its resolution? You might say Twilight decided it because she eventually needed to go to the Canterlot Archives when the time was almost up. But that suggests if she'd had an extra day, she'd have done the same thing, only a day later; or if she'd had one less day, she'd have done it a day earlier. She never had the opportunity to choose the length of time: she was fated to wait precisely as long as she did because the time loop itself contained that condition. There isn't an ontological source for the time period she waited, only a stable time loop that self-contained that information.
For another example, do you remember Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure? Rufus never introduces himself to the boys.
It's an ontological paradox. There isn't a "source" for the twenty-year period.
Consider "It's About Time" from FiM, and pretend the time spell has no limit. Who decided on the time between the spell being cast and its resolution? You might say Twilight decided it because she eventually needed to go to the Canterlot Archives when the time was almost up. But that suggests if she'd had an extra day, she'd have done the same thing, only a day later; or if she'd had one less day, she'd have done it a day earlier. She never had the opportunity to choose the length of time: she was fated to wait precisely as long as she did because the time loop itself contained that condition. There isn't an ontological source for the time period she waited, only a stable time loop that self-contained that information.
For another example, do you remember Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure? Rufus never introduces himself to the boys.
>>Everyday
I didn't read that as a flaw. Twilight has never teleported very long-distance, and we've never seen any other character on the show teleport, not even Starlight Glimmer (if you look very closely). That fact was the basis for that one story I wrote and deleted before Blink sniped the idea.
The closest we've come is in "Do Princesses Dream...", where the moment Twilight sends a letter, Luna appears at the door. But in that case it makes more sense (to me) that Luna was already headed to Ponyville and the timing was coincidental.
I didn't read that as a flaw. Twilight has never teleported very long-distance, and we've never seen any other character on the show teleport, not even Starlight Glimmer (if you look very closely). That fact was the basis for that one story I wrote and deleted before Blink sniped the idea.
The closest we've come is in "Do Princesses Dream...", where the moment Twilight sends a letter, Luna appears at the door. But in that case it makes more sense (to me) that Luna was already headed to Ponyville and the timing was coincidental.
>>TitaniumDragon
How does one quack on one's own head? :rainbowhuh:
EDIT: Ah, you mean a duck on some invisible person's head. Hmm. That one's def new.
How does one quack on one's own head? :rainbowhuh:
EDIT: Ah, you mean a duck on some invisible person's head. Hmm. That one's def new.
>>Trick_Question
Sunset Shimmer teleports. Whether or not she counts is entirely up to you.
The farthest I can recall Twilight teleporting is in Ticket Master. While this distance is unspecified, it's also only the second time she teleports and is clearly still learning how to do it.
By the next episode, Applebuck Season, she demonstrates much greater control with several short-distance teleports in a small time frame.
By Crystal Empire, Part One, she's able to do rapid-fire teleportation with ease.
(There's also Twilight's Kingdom, Part Two when she teleports all over Equestria randomly, but I think we can safely exclude that.)
In summation, Twilight gains proficiency in teleportation fairly early on in the series. Even if she can't get within range of the airship in one teleport, she could use several and likely take less time and exert herself less than running the same distance would.
I didn't necessarily view it as a "flaw," per se. It's just the thought that occurred to me as I read. There are several instances in the show where I think disaster could be avoided if the unicorn(s) present simply used their magic. However, this, of course, would rob the episode of conflict. Here, I suppose, it would dampen the story's drama and tension.
Sunset Shimmer teleports. Whether or not she counts is entirely up to you.
The farthest I can recall Twilight teleporting is in Ticket Master. While this distance is unspecified, it's also only the second time she teleports and is clearly still learning how to do it.
By the next episode, Applebuck Season, she demonstrates much greater control with several short-distance teleports in a small time frame.
By Crystal Empire, Part One, she's able to do rapid-fire teleportation with ease.
(There's also Twilight's Kingdom, Part Two when she teleports all over Equestria randomly, but I think we can safely exclude that.)
In summation, Twilight gains proficiency in teleportation fairly early on in the series. Even if she can't get within range of the airship in one teleport, she could use several and likely take less time and exert herself less than running the same distance would.
I didn't necessarily view it as a "flaw," per se. It's just the thought that occurred to me as I read. There are several instances in the show where I think disaster could be avoided if the unicorn(s) present simply used their magic. However, this, of course, would rob the episode of conflict. Here, I suppose, it would dampen the story's drama and tension.
>>Everyday
That's true! I did forget to mention Sunset. I'd say she counts. It's interesting they never had Starlight do it, even though she's powerful enough to levitate herself (which Twilight can't seem to do, she fell helplessly many times before getting the wings).
I tend not to overanalyze Season 1, since they retconned a bunch of stuff afterwards.
That's true! I did forget to mention Sunset. I'd say she counts. It's interesting they never had Starlight do it, even though she's powerful enough to levitate herself (which Twilight can't seem to do, she fell helplessly many times before getting the wings).
I tend not to overanalyze Season 1, since they retconned a bunch of stuff afterwards.
This story doesn't do much for me, I'm afraid. The writing is decent, but never really grabbed me. I don't care enough about the original character to care if things work out for him or not. Aria doesn't really make herself distinct from Adagio, and Sonata hardly has any role at all.
It's possible I would enjoy an expanded that lets me know more about Magnus, but as is, this didn't have much of an impact on me.
It's possible I would enjoy an expanded that lets me know more about Magnus, but as is, this didn't have much of an impact on me.
>>Trick_Question
I feel like Twilight has levitated herself before, but I can't recall for certain. She definitely has levitated full-sized ponies before, though. (Probably the largest thing she's ever levitated was the Ursa Minor.)
On the topic of teleportation, Discord also teleports. (In the original post, you did use the phrase "any other character".) There's also implicit evidence, though. King Sombra had an enchanted cage that unicorns can't teleport out of. Unless he designed it specifically for Twilight, we have to assume that a sufficiently-talented unicorn is capable of teleportation.
I feel like Twilight has levitated herself before, but I can't recall for certain. She definitely has levitated full-sized ponies before, though. (Probably the largest thing she's ever levitated was the Ursa Minor.)
On the topic of teleportation, Discord also teleports. (In the original post, you did use the phrase "any other character".) There's also implicit evidence, though. King Sombra had an enchanted cage that unicorns can't teleport out of. Unless he designed it specifically for Twilight, we have to assume that a sufficiently-talented unicorn is capable of teleportation.
Amusing.
I originally thought the wax figure would be taking her place on the throne as an illustration that she doesn't actually have to do anything as a Princess. Like Twilight said, "smile and wave".
However, I was thoroughly amused by the purpose it actually served.
I think, even better than the reveal itself was the reactions to it. Pinkie and Rainbow Dash were great, and clearly this isn't the first time the emissary of Yakyakistan has encountered such a funeral. It's the reason why Yakyakistan no longer has a national flag.
I originally thought the wax figure would be taking her place on the throne as an illustration that she doesn't actually have to do anything as a Princess. Like Twilight said, "smile and wave".
However, I was thoroughly amused by the purpose it actually served.
I think, even better than the reveal itself was the reactions to it. Pinkie and Rainbow Dash were great, and clearly this isn't the first time the emissary of Yakyakistan has encountered such a funeral. It's the reason why Yakyakistan no longer has a national flag.
Celestia: "We are ageless; not immortal."
And the entire discussion can be laid to rest. (Pun only partially-intended.)
All that aside, I enjoyed this. The ideas presented here are interesting and merit expansion. The exchange avoided feeling like talking-heads, which is always important. There are indicators that the discussion had been going on long enough to build to where we are, such as the tea having gone cold.
In all, nice work.
And the entire discussion can be laid to rest. (Pun only partially-intended.)
All that aside, I enjoyed this. The ideas presented here are interesting and merit expansion. The exchange avoided feeling like talking-heads, which is always important. There are indicators that the discussion had been going on long enough to build to where we are, such as the tea having gone cold.
In all, nice work.
>>Everyday
She can levitate other objects but she's never levitated herself, not even when she was about to die (Wonderbolts Academy for one, S1E2 for another). She's also surprised by the fact that Starlight Glimmer is able to levitate herself, suggesting she didn't even know it were possible.
We don't have to assume that. Maybe the cage just inhibits magic spells in general.
She can levitate other objects but she's never levitated herself, not even when she was about to die (Wonderbolts Academy for one, S1E2 for another). She's also surprised by the fact that Starlight Glimmer is able to levitate herself, suggesting she didn't even know it were possible.
We don't have to assume that. Maybe the cage just inhibits magic spells in general.
I quite liked this one. Very atmospheric. I rather enjoyed the more unique phrasing going on.
It's interesting to wonder how much is real and how much is not. Even more interesting is possibility that some things lie somewhere in-between.
Sweetie Belle was used to great effect. She helped keep things from getting too dark.
I'm glad I got to read this. Thank you for writing.
It's interesting to wonder how much is real and how much is not. Even more interesting is possibility that some things lie somewhere in-between.
Sweetie Belle was used to great effect. She helped keep things from getting too dark.
I'm glad I got to read this. Thank you for writing.
>>Trick_Question
Twilight has levitated herself, briefly; she did it in Magical Mystery Cure along with the rest of her friends. She hasn't used it to save herself from a fall, but admittedly that may be more difficult or require concentration she can't manage in the situation.
Twilight has levitated herself, briefly; she did it in Magical Mystery Cure along with the rest of her friends. She hasn't used it to save herself from a fall, but admittedly that may be more difficult or require concentration she can't manage in the situation.