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A Deal to Die For
Applejack looked into the storefront window and sighed. Granny was getting so old now that it'd be foalish not to prepare. Even with that spring in her step, she could pass away any day. The mare took a heavy breath and trotted inside.
A bell tinkled overhead. "Coming!" called a perky stallion's voice.
Now where have I heard that voice before? thought Applejack.
She turned to examine one of the caskets: a high-quality, polished walnut coffin with bedding that looked softer than anything she'd ever sat on in her life. "Like a skeleton needs a mattress," she scoffed.
"Well, some ponies only want the best for their loved ones," chided that familiar voice, now standing beside her. Applejack turned and snorted.
"Flam!" she said, as Flam grimaced and backed away.
"Be nice to my brother, Applejack," cautioned Flim, walking into the room.
"You two! Of all the lowdown, dishonest careers, you'd dare to fleece grieving—!"
"Now hold up," said Flam, raising a hoof. "We're not 'fleecing' anypony."
"That's right," said Flim, flanking her. "We are but humble businessponies, offering comfort during a difficult time."
"Like hog shit you are," spat Applejack, and both brothers blushed. "Pardon my fancy. No, on second thought, don't."
"Applejack, please! It isn't a scam this time," said Flim. "Yes, our caskets are on the expensive side. But they're worth every bit."
"See here," said Flam, opening a nearby casket. "Solid mahogany, lined with the finest silk."
Applejack turned around, and both brothers ducked. She gently bucked the side of the casket, echoing a pleasant knock.
"Huh. That's some solid craftsponyship," she said. "Where's the catch?"
"No catch!" promised Flim, with a grin. "We can make a killing these days with the population boom, you know."
"Our supplier does all the work. We control the shipping, and mark up prices accordingly," said Flam.
"How much?" asked Applejack.
"That one is fifty-thousand," said Flim, smiling wide.
"Fifty-thousand bits?" gasped Applejack, her jaw slack. "You're pullin' Kicks McGee!"
"Well, it's like we said. Some ponies only want the best for their loved ones," said Flam, gently placing a leg around Applejack's withers.
Applejack bucked the leg off her back. "When Granny kicks the bucket someday, her corpse ain't gonna feel nothin'. I just need somethin' solid that'll decompose nice, so she can feed the orchard like she wants. We can rent a show casket for the viewin'."
"We do rentals too!" said Flim. "One-thousand for this one, and it's guaranteed to be completely cleaned between showings."
"Hmm. That's a lot of bits, but ain't bad in this market," admitted Applejack. "I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but I'll get back to you."
Flam and Flim beamed with pride.
"This is for Granny Smith, yes?" asked Flim.
"You are so thoughtful to plan for her! But naturally, we hope your granny lives another hundred years," said Flam.
"Wait!" said Flim. Dashing into the back room, he returned with a wrapped present. "A gift for your grandmother," he offered, floating it over to Applejack with a wink.
Applejack grabbed the gift and tore through the paper.
"Don't you want it to be a surprise for your dear granny?" Flam said, nervously.
"Nnope," said Applejack. Inside the box was an unlabeled glass jar filled with what looked like peanut butter.
"Luxury-quality peanut spread," said Flim, wearing a plastic grin. "For a mare with a sweet tooth."
Applejack unscrewed the lid, tapped her hoof into the confectionary, and licked. Her eyes narrowed and she growled like a timber wolf.
Flim and Flam backed up as Applejack stomped forward. "N-not a fan?" asked Flam.
"We have other—" began Flim.
"This spread's got hazelnuts. Granny's deathly allergic," said Applejack.
Flim gasped and held his hooves to his face. "Oh my goodness! We had no idea!" he said.
"She listed her allergies when you pedalled that 'miracle tonic' last year!" snarled Applejack.
"Oops?" whimpered Flam.
Flam lit his horn, illuminating the cramped space he and his brother now occupied.
"You don't suppose she would leave us nailed in forever?" asked Flim.
"A customer is bound to walk in and discover us soon enough," reassured Flam.
"Although, the caskets are nearly soundproof," noted Flim.
"But it's a good thing they're so soft inside, isn't it!" said Flam.
Flim squirmed in place. "Oh dear. Perhaps we should have washed out the maggots from the previous rental."
Out on the abandoned showroom floor, if a pony listened very closely, they could almost hear the cries for help.
A bell tinkled overhead. "Coming!" called a perky stallion's voice.
Now where have I heard that voice before? thought Applejack.
She turned to examine one of the caskets: a high-quality, polished walnut coffin with bedding that looked softer than anything she'd ever sat on in her life. "Like a skeleton needs a mattress," she scoffed.
"Well, some ponies only want the best for their loved ones," chided that familiar voice, now standing beside her. Applejack turned and snorted.
"Flam!" she said, as Flam grimaced and backed away.
"Be nice to my brother, Applejack," cautioned Flim, walking into the room.
"You two! Of all the lowdown, dishonest careers, you'd dare to fleece grieving—!"
"Now hold up," said Flam, raising a hoof. "We're not 'fleecing' anypony."
"That's right," said Flim, flanking her. "We are but humble businessponies, offering comfort during a difficult time."
"Like hog shit you are," spat Applejack, and both brothers blushed. "Pardon my fancy. No, on second thought, don't."
"Applejack, please! It isn't a scam this time," said Flim. "Yes, our caskets are on the expensive side. But they're worth every bit."
"See here," said Flam, opening a nearby casket. "Solid mahogany, lined with the finest silk."
Applejack turned around, and both brothers ducked. She gently bucked the side of the casket, echoing a pleasant knock.
"Huh. That's some solid craftsponyship," she said. "Where's the catch?"
"No catch!" promised Flim, with a grin. "We can make a killing these days with the population boom, you know."
"Our supplier does all the work. We control the shipping, and mark up prices accordingly," said Flam.
"How much?" asked Applejack.
"That one is fifty-thousand," said Flim, smiling wide.
"Fifty-thousand bits?" gasped Applejack, her jaw slack. "You're pullin' Kicks McGee!"
"Well, it's like we said. Some ponies only want the best for their loved ones," said Flam, gently placing a leg around Applejack's withers.
Applejack bucked the leg off her back. "When Granny kicks the bucket someday, her corpse ain't gonna feel nothin'. I just need somethin' solid that'll decompose nice, so she can feed the orchard like she wants. We can rent a show casket for the viewin'."
"We do rentals too!" said Flim. "One-thousand for this one, and it's guaranteed to be completely cleaned between showings."
"Hmm. That's a lot of bits, but ain't bad in this market," admitted Applejack. "I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but I'll get back to you."
Flam and Flim beamed with pride.
"This is for Granny Smith, yes?" asked Flim.
"You are so thoughtful to plan for her! But naturally, we hope your granny lives another hundred years," said Flam.
"Wait!" said Flim. Dashing into the back room, he returned with a wrapped present. "A gift for your grandmother," he offered, floating it over to Applejack with a wink.
Applejack grabbed the gift and tore through the paper.
"Don't you want it to be a surprise for your dear granny?" Flam said, nervously.
"Nnope," said Applejack. Inside the box was an unlabeled glass jar filled with what looked like peanut butter.
"Luxury-quality peanut spread," said Flim, wearing a plastic grin. "For a mare with a sweet tooth."
Applejack unscrewed the lid, tapped her hoof into the confectionary, and licked. Her eyes narrowed and she growled like a timber wolf.
Flim and Flam backed up as Applejack stomped forward. "N-not a fan?" asked Flam.
"We have other—" began Flim.
"This spread's got hazelnuts. Granny's deathly allergic," said Applejack.
Flim gasped and held his hooves to his face. "Oh my goodness! We had no idea!" he said.
"She listed her allergies when you pedalled that 'miracle tonic' last year!" snarled Applejack.
"Oops?" whimpered Flam.
Flam lit his horn, illuminating the cramped space he and his brother now occupied.
"You don't suppose she would leave us nailed in forever?" asked Flim.
"A customer is bound to walk in and discover us soon enough," reassured Flam.
"Although, the caskets are nearly soundproof," noted Flim.
"But it's a good thing they're so soft inside, isn't it!" said Flam.
Flim squirmed in place. "Oh dear. Perhaps we should have washed out the maggots from the previous rental."
Out on the abandoned showroom floor, if a pony listened very closely, they could almost hear the cries for help.
Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):
Applejack: 1
I can totally see our favourite swindlers actually getting into such a line of work. And I can see AJ finding out about this and being none too pleased.
Problem is I can't really see Flim and Flam actually trying to kill ponies to drum up business. They're con artists, not murders. Even for the sake of a joke, I think that kind of worsens the story for me.
I also can't really see AJ locking them in a coffin, but that's an out of character joke I can actually get behind, so it didn't bother me.
Anyway, it's not bad, and I think it might do fine, but it's not really for me.
Verdict: Cute, but didn't really grip me.
Applejack: 1
I can totally see our favourite swindlers actually getting into such a line of work. And I can see AJ finding out about this and being none too pleased.
Problem is I can't really see Flim and Flam actually trying to kill ponies to drum up business. They're con artists, not murders. Even for the sake of a joke, I think that kind of worsens the story for me.
I also can't really see AJ locking them in a coffin, but that's an out of character joke I can actually get behind, so it didn't bother me.
Anyway, it's not bad, and I think it might do fine, but it's not really for me.
Verdict: Cute, but didn't really grip me.
I was guessing what the hook would be for the whole time. I didn't expect attempted murder. I can get behind it and Applejack's reaction in the context of it being a slightly black comedy.
Funny little story, grinned a couple of times, but I think our favorite business duo should use a more rapid bombardment on customers. Shock and awe and all that.
I also think that the last line is a bit superfluous.
Funny little story, grinned a couple of times, but I think our favorite business duo should use a more rapid bombardment on customers. Shock and awe and all that.
I also think that the last line is a bit superfluous.
I've never read a Flim and Flam story I liked, not even when bookplayer wrote one (although she by far did the most justice with developing them). These two characters always seem like a cheap and easy one-dimensional gag: yes, we get it, they're immoral and avaricious. But caricatures are cheap. If you're going to write Flim and Flam, give them depth. Otherwise they're just a plot device.
All that said, the story seems relatively in-character minus the degree of darkness in it, and it gave me a chuckle.
All that said, the story seems relatively in-character minus the degree of darkness in it, and it gave me a chuckle.
>>Trick_Question
Have you ever read Nonpareil?
ANYWAY
Actually on topic for this story:
Flim and Flam have gone into the undertaker racket – and make no mistake, the funeral business is the perfect place for shysters taking advantage of the vulnerable. In fact, that’s basically what the entire industry is.
Dirty business.
This was a bit of black comedy, both with the hazelnut jam and the eventual fate of the brothers, along with the note about the maggots indicating they’re still up to their old tricks.
I was mildly amused by this, but it never really went beyond that for me. Not bad, but not exceptional.
Have you ever read Nonpareil?
ANYWAY
Actually on topic for this story:
Flim and Flam have gone into the undertaker racket – and make no mistake, the funeral business is the perfect place for shysters taking advantage of the vulnerable. In fact, that’s basically what the entire industry is.
Dirty business.
This was a bit of black comedy, both with the hazelnut jam and the eventual fate of the brothers, along with the note about the maggots indicating they’re still up to their old tricks.
I was mildly amused by this, but it never really went beyond that for me. Not bad, but not exceptional.
Oh wow. There’s low, and then there’s low. You may have gone a bit too far with the brothers’ schemes, but that’s up for debate. In the end, while the Flimflams were a bit more ruthless than I care for, this was still a very enjoyable read.
I thought the dark humor here worked very well. I didn't notice any typos. Everybody felt... if not quite in-character relative to subject matter that we'd ever see on the show, then at least in-character for an AU that could go this dark. And It felt complete as a story, which is always desirable in a minific round.
...so I'm gonna rate this pretty highly. I can understand why others might want more out of it, or might object to how far the characters are going with their dubious behavior, but I find the total package here to be quite satisfying.
...so I'm gonna rate this pretty highly. I can understand why others might want more out of it, or might object to how far the characters are going with their dubious behavior, but I find the total package here to be quite satisfying.
I don't think the hazelnut allergy thing is canon. The fact we're introduced to it only after AJ has already detected the murder attempt that wouldn't be one without it gives it a bit of an deus ex machina feel for me, making the climax come out of thin air. It would've been more elegant to bury that gun sometime earlier and only dig it up at that point. Granted, it's a minific and that doesn't leave much wiggle room, but since Granny Smith's health was mentioned earlier in the story, a quick flashback to how she'd nearly choked to death on an artichoke last thursday, which someone had hidden in an apple pie, or something similar, might have just done the trick. If the hazelnut allergy is canon, I take it all back of course.
Apart from that, I have little complaints: AJ feels very much in character, as do the brothers. The writing is high quality and reads smoothly. It's an actual story as well. Solid.
Apart from that, I have little complaints: AJ feels very much in character, as do the brothers. The writing is high quality and reads smoothly. It's an actual story as well. Solid.
>>wYvern
I'm not sure I get the problem with the allergy. Why would it need to be canon? Mentioning its existence seems to be all that's necessary to establish what the story needs. If the story were a mystery, then maybe there would need to be foreshadowing, but I really don't think foreshadowing the allergy would do anything to improve a story of this length.
I guess I'm not sure I follow what the deus-ex-like aspect of that story element is, or what thing would be gained if the allergy were canon.
I'm not sure I get the problem with the allergy. Why would it need to be canon? Mentioning its existence seems to be all that's necessary to establish what the story needs. If the story were a mystery, then maybe there would need to be foreshadowing, but I really don't think foreshadowing the allergy would do anything to improve a story of this length.
I guess I'm not sure I follow what the deus-ex-like aspect of that story element is, or what thing would be gained if the allergy were canon.
>>Trick_Question
Well, I think foreshadowing would improve it, because my mind just went "wtf" when the package came up. It went "doubly wtf" when AJ tasted it, because that made no sense at all to me: it could've been spiked with any kind of poison for all she knew. Then, I got raked in again by the explanation, but it came across as justification after the fact and felt kinda jarring to me.
Get a hint beforehand would've allowed me to empathize with AJ's cautiousness, or at least thing "I could have known" instead of "oh, okay, now I get the info dump."
Well, I think foreshadowing would improve it, because my mind just went "wtf" when the package came up. It went "doubly wtf" when AJ tasted it, because that made no sense at all to me: it could've been spiked with any kind of poison for all she knew. Then, I got raked in again by the explanation, but it came across as justification after the fact and felt kinda jarring to me.
Get a hint beforehand would've allowed me to empathize with AJ's cautiousness, or at least thing "I could have known" instead of "oh, okay, now I get the info dump."
Adding to the "solid but unexceptional" chorus. Had to do a little thinking about why the story didn't grab me, and I think the biggest factor is: while AJ and the brothers act like they should, they never really sound in character. Check out these lines:
Flim is negotiating and making requests rather than trying to con his way out of corners, and AJ is straight-up swearing. These are both pretty solid breaks from canon, and while that's acceptable if you can lampshade the changes, here I'm not feeling it. Other lines, like "You're pullin' Kicks McGee," certainly reference Applejack-isms, but don't sound quite right to me in context.
Other than the voicing, there's not much I would change here. Bucking the solid casket was a high point, and the setup and execution here both do their job. My slate's felt a bit weak this time around, but this is slipping into the top third.
"Be nice to my brother, Applejack," cautioned Flim, walking into the room. ...
"Like hog shit you are," spat Applejack, and both brothers blushed. "Pardon my fancy. No, on second thought, don't."
"Applejack, please! It isn't a scam this time," said Flim.
Flim is negotiating and making requests rather than trying to con his way out of corners, and AJ is straight-up swearing. These are both pretty solid breaks from canon, and while that's acceptable if you can lampshade the changes, here I'm not feeling it. Other lines, like "You're pullin' Kicks McGee," certainly reference Applejack-isms, but don't sound quite right to me in context.
Other than the voicing, there's not much I would change here. Bucking the solid casket was a high point, and the setup and execution here both do their job. My slate's felt a bit weak this time around, but this is slipping into the top third.
I liked the story. I'll second that the brothers trick seemed too nasty; I can't see them actually trying to murder someone, but that wasn't a deal breaker. The idea of them preying on distraught ponies who wanted the best for their loved ones sounds much more like them, and was how I expected the story to go.
I might suggest trying to give more energy and speed to their sales pitches; it's kind of their gag in the show, but it's hard to show through in text. The descriptions of them trying to buddy up with Applejack and her reaction felt just right, though.
I might suggest trying to give more energy and speed to their sales pitches; it's kind of their gag in the show, but it's hard to show through in text. The descriptions of them trying to buddy up with Applejack and her reaction felt just right, though.
This one was fun. The Flimflam brothers are slightly off—we now expect them to burst into a song or at least a kind of poem at the first opportunity, and I missed that here—but the rip-off, although predictable, is nice. I really don't have much to say beyond this, i.e. a solid entry, with no great ambition, but which scores pretty well. So no Nutella for Granny Smith, eh? Too bad.
And finally, lesson here is that you should watch out your grub.
And finally, lesson here is that you should watch out your grub.
Ah, the Flim Flam brothers... How sad that they never seem to realize that they could make their fortune by simply going legit.
I thought this was a pretty good, clever little story. My one major quibble is that it seems a bit of a stretch for Flim and Flam to have gone from small time shysters to murderer's (well, attempted murderer's at any rate.) That stunt with the hazelnuts could hardly be considered anything else.
Hmmmm.. I wonder how long it will take before someone finds them... ;>
All in all, pretty solid I'd say!
I thought this was a pretty good, clever little story. My one major quibble is that it seems a bit of a stretch for Flim and Flam to have gone from small time shysters to murderer's (well, attempted murderer's at any rate.) That stunt with the hazelnuts could hardly be considered anything else.
Hmmmm.. I wonder how long it will take before someone finds them... ;>
All in all, pretty solid I'd say!
Honestly, Applejack swearing really dragged me out of the story. Whilst I’d certainly concede that there are probably some rare situations in which she might swear, the way in which it was just casually dropped it in felt super out of character, even within the context of the dark alternative universe this story feels like it takes place in.
But I guess that’s just a symptom of my main problem with this. As a story in general, it was perfectly fine… good, even! It’s well written, and had a really great ending which honestly made me laugh. But as a poni fic in particular, I found it somewhat lacking. True, I said it feels like an AU, but never enough so that I could fully buy the attempted murder, or Applejack swearing like that or nailing them shut in a coffin.
But I guess that’s just a symptom of my main problem with this. As a story in general, it was perfectly fine… good, even! It’s well written, and had a really great ending which honestly made me laugh. But as a poni fic in particular, I found it somewhat lacking. True, I said it feels like an AU, but never enough so that I could fully buy the attempted murder, or Applejack swearing like that or nailing them shut in a coffin.
Retrospective
This one's a bit grim and the weakest of the three stories, but I took some of your collective advice on the voicing of Applejack and the brothers, as well as lampshading the issue of attempted murder.
So I fixed this up before posting it (as one of three stories in a Dark Comedy collection from this competition). Thanks to everypony for the feedback that made this possible.
This one's a bit grim and the weakest of the three stories, but I took some of your collective advice on the voicing of Applejack and the brothers, as well as lampshading the issue of attempted murder.
So I fixed this up before posting it (as one of three stories in a Dark Comedy collection from this competition). Thanks to everypony for the feedback that made this possible.