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Center of Attention
Spitfire rubbed the back of her neck and darted her eyes around the parlor. A tiny organ organ played while dozens of ponies dressed in black consoled each other in various groups. In the corner, a casket laid open.
“Psst,” Fleetfoot whispered, nudging Spitfire. “Who’s this for again?”
Spitfire furled her eyebrows, attempting to remember. “Uhhh, I think it’s Soarin’s great uncle.”
Fleetfoot nodded. “So, why are we here again?”
“Look, this pony clearly meant something to Soarin, so let’s just be supportive, okay?”
Fleetfoot rolled her eyes. “Alright, I guess. So what do we do, mingle?”
Spitfire shook her head. “You will not be doing any ‘mingling’, just stand here and look solemn.”
Fleetfoot sighed, looking down at her sheer black dress. “I wish we were in uniform. Going somewhere when nopony recognizes you is the most miserable thing ever.”
“You're at a funeral, and that, to you, is the most saddest thing?”
Fleetfoot nodded. “At least when it’s YOUR funeral, you're the center of attention.”
“What the hay is wrong with you?” Spitfire said in a harsh whisper. “Not everything is about being the center of attention. We’re here to pay respects to somepony who freaking died! We may be big-time athletes, but we’re still ponies, damnit!”
Before Spitfire could finish her screed, Soarin approached the two, dressed in uniform, carrying wafer cookies and tiny sandwiches.
“Hey, ladies,” he said before shoving a tiny sandwich into his mouth. “Manks fr momin.”
Fleetfoot’s eyes widened. “Where’d you get the sammies?”
Soarin nodded his head to the side and swallowed. “Out those double doors. There’s a catering table.”
Fleetfoot darted off, leaving Spitfire and Soarin alone in a room full of mourners. Spitfire shook her head.
“You know what she was saying to me? All she can think about is how no one here recognizes her!” Realizing what she was complaining about, Spitfire bit her tongue and donned a sad look. “But, uh, I’m so sorry about your loss, Soar.”
Soarin shrugged. “Eh, he was a dick anyway. Nobody in the family particularly liked him.”
Spitfire’s jaw dropped. “Soarin, what’s wrong with you? How can you be so callous?”
“What? It’s the truth. He was mean, he cheated on all his wives, and he owed money to a lot of ponies money when he died. I’m just here for the food, really.”
Spitfire rubbed her temple and shook her head. “Why did you even bother asking us to come?”
“Oh, well, my mom asked me to bring you guys, thought it would get ponies talkin’. Why’d you come in civilian gear, by the way?”
“Because I stupidly thought we were here to pay our respects, and not just eat food and soak up all the attention.”
“Spitfire, you’ve been a Wonderbolt longer than me. How have you not realized that’s what 75 percent of life is for us?”
Before Spitfire could answer, a middle-aged pegasus mare with a wickedly large beehive mane approached the two. Spitfire recognized her as Soarin’s mother instantly.
“Well, my stars! Spitfire, you look lovely today!”
Spitfire smiled and gave her a hug. “Hello, Float, it’s good to see you.”
“Very good to see you as well. And where is Fleetfoot?”
“Here I am,” Fleetfoot said behind them. “And I have sammies, and boy are they good!”
Spitfire cleared her throat and darted her eyes at Fleetfoot before returning her attention to Float. “Anyway, uh, as I was saying to Soarin, we’re all very sorry for your family’s loss and–”
“Hey Float,” a stallion nearby interjected. “Did I mishear ya, or is that really Spitfire and Fleetfoot next to your boy, there?”
Fleetfoot beamed. “It certainly is, sir!”
Soon, more and more ponies gathered around the group, before eventually, they were the center of attention. Fleetfoot and Soarin began glad-hoofing and taking photo opportunities with enthusiastic mourners. Spitfire, meanwhile, tried to break away from the group, but found herself bombarded by ponies the cacophony of their excited chatter.
Eventually, she looked out across the room and saw the open casket abandoned. Everypony in the room had surrounded herself, Soarin, and Fleetfoot. Spitfire sighed, dreading this would happen.
Sometimes she wished she could just be a normal pony. Even if it was just to mourn another’s death.
“Psst,” Fleetfoot whispered, nudging Spitfire. “Who’s this for again?”
Spitfire furled her eyebrows, attempting to remember. “Uhhh, I think it’s Soarin’s great uncle.”
Fleetfoot nodded. “So, why are we here again?”
“Look, this pony clearly meant something to Soarin, so let’s just be supportive, okay?”
Fleetfoot rolled her eyes. “Alright, I guess. So what do we do, mingle?”
Spitfire shook her head. “You will not be doing any ‘mingling’, just stand here and look solemn.”
Fleetfoot sighed, looking down at her sheer black dress. “I wish we were in uniform. Going somewhere when nopony recognizes you is the most miserable thing ever.”
“You're at a funeral, and that, to you, is the most saddest thing?”
Fleetfoot nodded. “At least when it’s YOUR funeral, you're the center of attention.”
“What the hay is wrong with you?” Spitfire said in a harsh whisper. “Not everything is about being the center of attention. We’re here to pay respects to somepony who freaking died! We may be big-time athletes, but we’re still ponies, damnit!”
Before Spitfire could finish her screed, Soarin approached the two, dressed in uniform, carrying wafer cookies and tiny sandwiches.
“Hey, ladies,” he said before shoving a tiny sandwich into his mouth. “Manks fr momin.”
Fleetfoot’s eyes widened. “Where’d you get the sammies?”
Soarin nodded his head to the side and swallowed. “Out those double doors. There’s a catering table.”
Fleetfoot darted off, leaving Spitfire and Soarin alone in a room full of mourners. Spitfire shook her head.
“You know what she was saying to me? All she can think about is how no one here recognizes her!” Realizing what she was complaining about, Spitfire bit her tongue and donned a sad look. “But, uh, I’m so sorry about your loss, Soar.”
Soarin shrugged. “Eh, he was a dick anyway. Nobody in the family particularly liked him.”
Spitfire’s jaw dropped. “Soarin, what’s wrong with you? How can you be so callous?”
“What? It’s the truth. He was mean, he cheated on all his wives, and he owed money to a lot of ponies money when he died. I’m just here for the food, really.”
Spitfire rubbed her temple and shook her head. “Why did you even bother asking us to come?”
“Oh, well, my mom asked me to bring you guys, thought it would get ponies talkin’. Why’d you come in civilian gear, by the way?”
“Because I stupidly thought we were here to pay our respects, and not just eat food and soak up all the attention.”
“Spitfire, you’ve been a Wonderbolt longer than me. How have you not realized that’s what 75 percent of life is for us?”
Before Spitfire could answer, a middle-aged pegasus mare with a wickedly large beehive mane approached the two. Spitfire recognized her as Soarin’s mother instantly.
“Well, my stars! Spitfire, you look lovely today!”
Spitfire smiled and gave her a hug. “Hello, Float, it’s good to see you.”
“Very good to see you as well. And where is Fleetfoot?”
“Here I am,” Fleetfoot said behind them. “And I have sammies, and boy are they good!”
Spitfire cleared her throat and darted her eyes at Fleetfoot before returning her attention to Float. “Anyway, uh, as I was saying to Soarin, we’re all very sorry for your family’s loss and–”
“Hey Float,” a stallion nearby interjected. “Did I mishear ya, or is that really Spitfire and Fleetfoot next to your boy, there?”
Fleetfoot beamed. “It certainly is, sir!”
Soon, more and more ponies gathered around the group, before eventually, they were the center of attention. Fleetfoot and Soarin began glad-hoofing and taking photo opportunities with enthusiastic mourners. Spitfire, meanwhile, tried to break away from the group, but found herself bombarded by ponies the cacophony of their excited chatter.
Eventually, she looked out across the room and saw the open casket abandoned. Everypony in the room had surrounded herself, Soarin, and Fleetfoot. Spitfire sighed, dreading this would happen.
Sometimes she wished she could just be a normal pony. Even if it was just to mourn another’s death.
Soon we will all know who submitted the "Fleetfoot Is Best Pony" prompt. :V
The main problem with this story is the last line. Don't ever come out and tell the reader something like that. You need to paint the image so that the reader figures it out on their own.
The main problem with this story is the last line. Don't ever come out and tell the reader something like that. You need to paint the image so that the reader figures it out on their own.
>>Trick_Question
Graah, I don't just want to post "me too" but I feel like Trick really nails it. The story takes an interesting, winding path between various emotional tones, but the last line doesn't have sufficient build-up to support it. And the ending is doubly important in a case like this, where it needs to wrap up a story that's led us through such a broad variety of feelings.
Still, close to very good overall. Several noticeable typos but I dig it.
Graah, I don't just want to post "me too" but I feel like Trick really nails it. The story takes an interesting, winding path between various emotional tones, but the last line doesn't have sufficient build-up to support it. And the ending is doubly important in a case like this, where it needs to wrap up a story that's led us through such a broad variety of feelings.
Still, close to very good overall. Several noticeable typos but I dig it.
Spitfire and Fleetfoot go to the funeral of Soarin’s uncle to pay their respects – or really, to support Soarin.
But Fleetfoot doesn’t care.
Neither does Soarin.
I thought this was an interesting story, but I agree with >>Trick_Question that having the story more forcefully deliver this – and not outright stating the moral – would have made the story much stronger. It is a good core, but the final line really is a criminal example of “telling the audience the plot”.
But Fleetfoot doesn’t care.
Neither does Soarin.
I thought this was an interesting story, but I agree with >>Trick_Question that having the story more forcefully deliver this – and not outright stating the moral – would have made the story much stronger. It is a good core, but the final line really is a criminal example of “telling the audience the plot”.
Heh, subtle prompt drop. not bad.
Feels like a comedy, up until that last line (sorry to pile on that). And if I just ignore that closer, I think the story's pretty good. It's fizzling out at the end with Spitfire's exasperation, but I think this could branch out in a lot of different directions.
to clarify, I'm not criticizing it for being "chapter 1 of a longer story" because that doesn't seem like the intention.... I'm suggesting this has some interesting potential for becoming that. anything could happen now that the room's attention is on them. it's already a good hook and setting.
Feels like a comedy, up until that last line (sorry to pile on that). And if I just ignore that closer, I think the story's pretty good. It's fizzling out at the end with Spitfire's exasperation, but I think this could branch out in a lot of different directions.
to clarify, I'm not criticizing it for being "chapter 1 of a longer story" because that doesn't seem like the intention.... I'm suggesting this has some interesting potential for becoming that. anything could happen now that the room's attention is on them. it's already a good hook and setting.
Disclaimer: I haven't read many stories featuring the Wonderbolts. So I'm just going by their canon interpretations which are... unique, at best. That may have affected my enjoyment of the fic, sadly. It's interesting and uses the prompt in a creative way, don't get me wrong, but why does Spitfire want to be a normal pony? It just came out at the end all of a sudden.
This is also another story that likes using human insults for the ponies. It was really jarring to read Soarin say
I'm no prude, don't get that impression. I love to fucking swear like a Goddamn sailor. But when I'm reading ponies... seeing human swears just breaks my immersion. Also, like Spitfire says, I don't think Soarin would be so callous and spiteful towards his uncle, even if nobody liked him. He seems much more chill than that.
This is also another story that likes using human insults for the ponies. It was really jarring to read Soarin say
“Eh, he was a dick anyway.
I'm no prude, don't get that impression. I love to fucking swear like a Goddamn sailor. But when I'm reading ponies... seeing human swears just breaks my immersion. Also, like Spitfire says, I don't think Soarin would be so callous and spiteful towards his uncle, even if nobody liked him. He seems much more chill than that.
Everything wrong with the Wonderbolts in one convenient package. At least Spitfire has some sense of perspective. Still, I have to agree with the others; spelling out that regret was not the way to go.
I like the idea behind this piece. There's a decently deep story to be told around Spitfire's thoughts on fame and fortune, and how the rest of her team deals with that in their own ways. And it's definitely one that I'd like to read more of, since the Wonderbolts get so little screen time.
As for this specific entry though, the last line really undercuts the earlier build up by telling the entire point to the reader in one stroke, and that might keep this lower on folks' ballots than it might have otherwise been.
As for this specific entry though, the last line really undercuts the earlier build up by telling the entire point to the reader in one stroke, and that might keep this lower on folks' ballots than it might have otherwise been.
>>GrandMoffPony
That last line is a dud, but I think the rest is strong enough to keep this afloat. I've even found the line a little easier to stomach upon subsequent read-throughs.
I've had this at the top of my slate for a while and I think it's going to stay there.
That last line is a dud, but I think the rest is strong enough to keep this afloat. I've even found the line a little easier to stomach upon subsequent read-throughs.
I've had this at the top of my slate for a while and I think it's going to stay there.
I’m not sure I have much to add that hasn’t already been said. But I just wanted to say that, yeah, whilst the last line is too on the nose for it’s own good, I nevertheless really enjoyed this one – it’s funny, well written, and with good character development. Great job, author!
A tiny organ organ played: that’s a stereorgan? :P
sammies: that’s an Aussie word?
he owed money to a lot of ponies money: one “money for nothing”! :B
but found herself bombarded by ponies the cacophony of their excited chatter — Uh?
I don’t know what I shall deduce of these flubs. Maybe that you edited your story at the last minute?
It’s a pleasant story, well told and competently written, but it does not really stand out. I don’t understand why Spitfire didn’t simply walk out rather than humouring the attendants. At least, that’s what I’d have done if I were her. But I like the way you depicted the rascal that died. That poor guy had really all the sins deeply ingrained under his coat! He must have lived a cheerful life… :P
Oh, and I agree with the others: the last line is a clunker.
sammies: that’s an Aussie word?
he owed money to a lot of ponies money: one “money for nothing”! :B
but found herself bombarded by ponies the cacophony of their excited chatter — Uh?
I don’t know what I shall deduce of these flubs. Maybe that you edited your story at the last minute?
It’s a pleasant story, well told and competently written, but it does not really stand out. I don’t understand why Spitfire didn’t simply walk out rather than humouring the attendants. At least, that’s what I’d have done if I were her. But I like the way you depicted the rascal that died. That poor guy had really all the sins deeply ingrained under his coat! He must have lived a cheerful life… :P
Oh, and I agree with the others: the last line is a clunker.
>>Calipony
"Sammies" is a cutesy way of saying "sandwiches". It's probably more American than anything.
"Sammies" is a cutesy way of saying "sandwiches". It's probably more American than anything.
>>Trick_Question
Yeah, I say Aussie because my dictionary registers the world as ‘Austral’. But okay if it’s American too.
Hammie would be a hamburger then? :B
Yeah, I say Aussie because my dictionary registers the world as ‘Austral’. But okay if it’s American too.
Hammie would be a hamburger then? :B
>>Calipony
Mm, no. Hammie suggests "ham" too much outside of context.
I'm not sure if "sammie" has the same connotation in Australia. For one, "rooting for" here means to support one side in a competition (by cheering, hoping, etc.), whereas "rooting" there means buy some apples.
Mm, no. Hammie suggests "ham" too much outside of context.
I'm not sure if "sammie" has the same connotation in Australia. For one, "rooting for" here means to support one side in a competition (by cheering, hoping, etc.), whereas "rooting" there means buy some apples.
>>Trick_Question
Well, isn’t a hamburger a burger with ham? ;B
It wouldn't be the first time that Aussies take a word and construe it wrongly. What do you expect of people that walk with their heads down? :P
Well, isn’t a hamburger a burger with ham? ;B
It wouldn't be the first time that Aussies take a word and construe it wrongly. What do you expect of people that walk with their heads down? :P
I agree with the other reviewer's criticism of the last line, but it's not the only instance of telling I've found. Telling where showing would be better isn't good, but what really sticks out like a soar thumb is telling which clashes with the things shown. The last line does that, but I've found another instance:
Here, the 'damnit' signifies a definite end to Spitfire's screed, so when I'm told her screed was interruped although it was not, my imagination kinda jams. An IMO better alternative would've been:
What this does is not only get rid of the awkward tellling part, but also emphasizes Spitfire's POV, since during her rant she wouldn't have noticed any approaching pony, which puts us in her (horse)shoes if the approach of Soarin is sudden.
I definitely see a lot of room for improvement here.
By the way, a question directed at the proofreading geniuses:
Does that qualify as a comma splice? Always having trouble with those.
... but we’re still ponies, damnit!”
Before Spitfire could finish her screed, Soarin approached the two, dressed in uniform, carrying wafer cookies and tiny sandwiches.
“Hey, ladies,” he said before...
Here, the 'damnit' signifies a definite end to Spitfire's screed, so when I'm told her screed was interruped although it was not, my imagination kinda jams. An IMO better alternative would've been:
... but we're still--"
"Hey, ladies." Soarin, laden with cookies and sandwiches, and dressed in his uniform, had crept up on them.
What this does is not only get rid of the awkward tellling part, but also emphasizes Spitfire's POV, since during her rant she wouldn't have noticed any approaching pony, which puts us in her (horse)shoes if the approach of Soarin is sudden.
I definitely see a lot of room for improvement here.
By the way, a question directed at the proofreading geniuses:
So what do we do, mingle?
Does that qualify as a comma splice? Always having trouble with those.
>>wYvern
I don't know what a comma splice is, but that is a correct use of a comma.
Technically correct might be to use a colon there, but generally speaking if you can put a comma in place of a colon or semicolon, you should. That's 100% comma territory.
I don't know what a comma splice is, but that is a correct use of a comma.
Technically correct might be to use a colon there, but generally speaking if you can put a comma in place of a colon or semicolon, you should. That's 100% comma territory.
>>wYvern
>>Trick_Question
I believe the "mingle" in this sense would be considered an appositive, a word that modifies the word "do."
>>Trick_Question
I believe the "mingle" in this sense would be considered an appositive, a word that modifies the word "do."
>>Cold in Gardez
The definition of appositive I found is "a noun phrase that renames or restates the preceding noun or pronoun", and I can't find an example where the term is being used for two verbs. Are you sure it applies here?
>>Trick_Question
A comma splice is the separation of two independent clauses by a comma.
That is a comma splice, I believe (like I said, having problems with these.)
The definition of appositive I found is "a noun phrase that renames or restates the preceding noun or pronoun", and I can't find an example where the term is being used for two verbs. Are you sure it applies here?
>>Trick_Question
A comma splice is the separation of two independent clauses by a comma.
You will not be doing any ‘mingling’, just stand here and look solemn.
That is a comma splice, I believe (like I said, having problems with these.)
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Trick_Question
After one and a half hours of wiki crawling and googling, I now know what an oronym is, know that there's a linguistic term called ejaculation, and how to use postpositional phrases as disjunct adverbials. I've found no proof that verbs can stand in appositive-like relation to one another, but I also haven't found any other explanation for the grammatical relationship between 'mingling' and the rest of the phrase.
By this time tomorrow, I'll have to create an account on one of them grammar guru boards and open a thread if nopony can save me from the pains of ignorance. :raritydespair:
>>Trick_Question
After one and a half hours of wiki crawling and googling, I now know what an oronym is, know that there's a linguistic term called ejaculation, and how to use postpositional phrases as disjunct adverbials. I've found no proof that verbs can stand in appositive-like relation to one another, but I also haven't found any other explanation for the grammatical relationship between 'mingling' and the rest of the phrase.
By this time tomorrow, I'll have to create an account on one of them grammar guru boards and open a thread if nopony can save me from the pains of ignorance. :raritydespair:
>>wYvern >>Trick_Question >>Cold in Gardez
Maybe this will help?
Mingle? and okay? are their own self-supporting clauses, truncated and spliced together with their main clauses via a comma. Or something like that. 8P
What it said:
What it meant:
Or just above that in the story:
What it said:
What it meant::
Maybe this will help?
Mingle? and okay? are their own self-supporting clauses, truncated and spliced together with their main clauses via a comma. Or something like that. 8P
What it said:
"So what do we do, mingle?"
What it meant:
"So what do we do? (Should we) Mingle?"
Or just above that in the story:
What it said:
"...so let’s just be supportive, okay?"
What it meant::
"...so let’s just be supportive. (Is that) Okay (with you)?
>>Southpaw
>>Trick_Question
>>wYvern
I'm going to agree with Southpaw that:
Is how the phrase would be properly constructed. However! Remember that this snippet appeared in quotations, which means it should not be judged by the same standards of grammatical correctness as narrative. The author was writing dialogue in the way that actual humans speak, and they should not be punished for doing so.
Disclaimer: No, I'm not the author.
>>Trick_Question
>>wYvern
I'm going to agree with Southpaw that:
"So what do we do? (Should we) Mingle?"
Is how the phrase would be properly constructed. However! Remember that this snippet appeared in quotations, which means it should not be judged by the same standards of grammatical correctness as narrative. The author was writing dialogue in the way that actual humans speak, and they should not be punished for doing so.
Disclaimer: No, I'm not the author.
>>Cold in Gardez I totally agree with this. I wasn't actually offering my thoughts as a reason to mark the author down, but to add what I thought might help this particular discussion resolve a little clearer. I'm much more concerned with what ultimately makes a story work well than in sticking to super-hard rules of grammar.
>>Trick_Question
>>wYvern
Commas cannot be used to separate logically independent clauses: “He woke up, the sun was already shining” is a comma splice: the two parts are unrelated. The comma cannot be used to indicate a logical implication, it’s only used to stake off fragments and clarify the meaning of the sentence (or for rhythmical purposes).
There was a comma splice in one of the stories I reviewed, but I’ve lost it. In the sentence I wrote, the comma should go away and be replaced by a colon or a full stop (in that case).
Apposition would be a word or fragment that complements another word or fragment: “He was tough, though soft in the middle at times, that’s why he didn’t even flinch.” The whole fragment between commas in an apposition to ‘he’. Note that an apposition, much like an adjective, can be taken away without the meaning of the sentence being (much) altered (or at least becoming grammatically wrong).
>>wYvern
Commas cannot be used to separate logically independent clauses: “He woke up, the sun was already shining” is a comma splice: the two parts are unrelated. The comma cannot be used to indicate a logical implication, it’s only used to stake off fragments and clarify the meaning of the sentence (or for rhythmical purposes).
There was a comma splice in one of the stories I reviewed, but I’ve lost it. In the sentence I wrote, the comma should go away and be replaced by a colon or a full stop (in that case).
Apposition would be a word or fragment that complements another word or fragment: “He was tough, though soft in the middle at times, that’s why he didn’t even flinch.” The whole fragment between commas in an apposition to ‘he’. Note that an apposition, much like an adjective, can be taken away without the meaning of the sentence being (much) altered (or at least becoming grammatically wrong).
>>Southpaw
So there isn't really a grammatical term since in non-direct speech, it probably wouldn't be acceptable, huh? Your explanation makes a lot of sense, thanks!
>>Cold in Gardez
You taking the author's side is cute, but unnecessary -- at least against me. I admit the comma felt odd to me, since I would've used a second question mark instead. However, that would lead to a different sentence melody. A colon or even full-stop in its place would lead to a probably unintended pause. The comma, therefore, is the right choice.
Sure, people talk like that. I thought there would be a term for it though, and I saw it as an opportunity to learn (english is a second language for me.) I believe that where rules get in the way of clarity and/or expression, they have to go. Who would judge a Pinkie Pie story negatively because it has run on sentences because that's just the way she talks and if she does it like that there's rather a reason to judge it for not having them *gasp*. I'm always keen on knowing which rules are being bent, though.
So there isn't really a grammatical term since in non-direct speech, it probably wouldn't be acceptable, huh? Your explanation makes a lot of sense, thanks!
>>Cold in Gardez
You taking the author's side is cute, but unnecessary -- at least against me. I admit the comma felt odd to me, since I would've used a second question mark instead. However, that would lead to a different sentence melody. A colon or even full-stop in its place would lead to a probably unintended pause. The comma, therefore, is the right choice.
Sure, people talk like that. I thought there would be a term for it though, and I saw it as an opportunity to learn (english is a second language for me.) I believe that where rules get in the way of clarity and/or expression, they have to go. Who would judge a Pinkie Pie story negatively because it has run on sentences because that's just the way she talks and if she does it like that there's rather a reason to judge it for not having them *gasp*. I'm always keen on knowing which rules are being bent, though.