Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Tomorrow
Thunderlane floated through the late evening sky over Ponyville on an errant cloud, carried by an unassuming breeze—just as he always did. This was his favorite time of day, when the town's activity finally died down and everypony was getting ready for bed. With his dark coat, no one would see him above, and he knew no other pegasus would be flying about so late. This was his time, beneath the stars.
One by one, the town's lights—from doors, windows, porch lamps and assorted magical auras—dimmed from a bright white or yellow into a deeper orange, and finally into a familiar darkness. Not every house was like this, and he respected those who liked the night as he did, but it was enough to allow him a magnificent view of the stars above. So insignificant that he was, he thought. He liked to think about this often when he looked at the stars, the great burning balls of gas, thousand times bigger than their tiny planet. It was his dream once, before he became a weather pony, to study the heavens at the Equestrian Aeronautics and Space Administration.
It was not to be, however. The circumstances of his life led him to be a weather pony, and so a weather pony he became. He moved to Ponyville, taking his little brother Rumble along with him, and now he was the sole provider for Rumble's food and tuition. Astronomy became a hobby, one he could only partake in shortly between when he got off work and when he needed to go to bed.
Thunderlane sighed wearily. Thoughts of his dreams often turned sour, and tonight was no different. He thought about how long it would take him to break out of this life, to be able to do what he wanted to be doing. He thought about whether or not he would even be able to. And he thought of how those close to him would remember if he died without ever getting there.
Everypony had to go someday. Even the greatest stars exploded in a brilliant nova. Some stars, however, simply petered out into darkness. Smaller things faded into nothing. Surely Rumble would miss him at first. His friends, too. But a year later, they'd be used to life without him. Would ponies think of him a year later? A passing conversation about things he used to always do, perhaps, how it felt like something was missing, but he would just be that weather pony who didn't like his job. Years later, he would be forgotten like the cosmic nothing that he was. He wanted to burn bright like a star, not float around like an asteroid until it unceremoniously jettisoned itself into some planet's surface.
He needed to get his life together, he decided—a life on his own terms. No longer would he be just a local weather pony, but instead he would pursue his dream of being an astronomer. The first thing he would do tomorrow would be to submit his application to the Fillydelphia Star Gazers Guild—not quite a job at EASA, but it was a start. Tomorrow would mark a new beginning for him. For a new Thunderlane.
Tomorrow, he thought, and he alit from his cloud with a small hop, then made his way to his little home below with a yawn and a resolve stronger than any steel.
Just as he always did.
One by one, the town's lights—from doors, windows, porch lamps and assorted magical auras—dimmed from a bright white or yellow into a deeper orange, and finally into a familiar darkness. Not every house was like this, and he respected those who liked the night as he did, but it was enough to allow him a magnificent view of the stars above. So insignificant that he was, he thought. He liked to think about this often when he looked at the stars, the great burning balls of gas, thousand times bigger than their tiny planet. It was his dream once, before he became a weather pony, to study the heavens at the Equestrian Aeronautics and Space Administration.
It was not to be, however. The circumstances of his life led him to be a weather pony, and so a weather pony he became. He moved to Ponyville, taking his little brother Rumble along with him, and now he was the sole provider for Rumble's food and tuition. Astronomy became a hobby, one he could only partake in shortly between when he got off work and when he needed to go to bed.
Thunderlane sighed wearily. Thoughts of his dreams often turned sour, and tonight was no different. He thought about how long it would take him to break out of this life, to be able to do what he wanted to be doing. He thought about whether or not he would even be able to. And he thought of how those close to him would remember if he died without ever getting there.
Everypony had to go someday. Even the greatest stars exploded in a brilliant nova. Some stars, however, simply petered out into darkness. Smaller things faded into nothing. Surely Rumble would miss him at first. His friends, too. But a year later, they'd be used to life without him. Would ponies think of him a year later? A passing conversation about things he used to always do, perhaps, how it felt like something was missing, but he would just be that weather pony who didn't like his job. Years later, he would be forgotten like the cosmic nothing that he was. He wanted to burn bright like a star, not float around like an asteroid until it unceremoniously jettisoned itself into some planet's surface.
He needed to get his life together, he decided—a life on his own terms. No longer would he be just a local weather pony, but instead he would pursue his dream of being an astronomer. The first thing he would do tomorrow would be to submit his application to the Fillydelphia Star Gazers Guild—not quite a job at EASA, but it was a start. Tomorrow would mark a new beginning for him. For a new Thunderlane.
Tomorrow, he thought, and he alit from his cloud with a small hop, then made his way to his little home below with a yawn and a resolve stronger than any steel.
Just as he always did.
First, the bad: this was telly enough to overplay the emotional connection I came to feel with our hero. His circumstances weren't sold in quite such a way as to explain what he did and didn't like about his life; just that his dreams didn't match his reality.
Now, the good: despite being primarily a character study toward the middle, there was great descriptive language toward the beginning, and a powerful sting right at the end. Honestly I was starting to lose interest before that sting, but it helped leave a strong impression.
...my review doesn't sound as positive as I mean it to be. I liked this a lot.
Now, the good: despite being primarily a character study toward the middle, there was great descriptive language toward the beginning, and a powerful sting right at the end. Honestly I was starting to lose interest before that sting, but it helped leave a strong impression.
...my review doesn't sound as positive as I mean it to be. I liked this a lot.
Thunderlane sits on a cloud and thinks. It’s certainly relatable, but like Thunderlane himself, underwhelming and ultimately forgettable. The tragic sting at the end is nice, but it’s too little too late. I’m not sure how to improve this without completely changing the core purpose.
Just to be clear, I'm preaching stuff I often get wrong myself.
The story in itself is quite relatable, it is something that most people may experience directly or vicariously. There is strength in that, something we can latch on. The problem is also that we need something a bit more powerful than what you give us here to be hooked. Probably some short look at how he came to abandon his dreams or how the responsibility for Rumble fell on his shoulders would give us something solid on which to base the rest of the story.
The ending is quite powerful in its simple way, but what comes before needs to be more solid.
The story in itself is quite relatable, it is something that most people may experience directly or vicariously. There is strength in that, something we can latch on. The problem is also that we need something a bit more powerful than what you give us here to be hooked. Probably some short look at how he came to abandon his dreams or how the responsibility for Rumble fell on his shoulders would give us something solid on which to base the rest of the story.
The ending is quite powerful in its simple way, but what comes before needs to be more solid.
I liked the little sad punch at the end, but the lead up to it needs more to build the scene, to really make the reader connect with Thunderlane's feelings and regrets.
Still, for what it was, it left a good mark.
Still, for what it was, it left a good mark.
I echo the others; the punch at the end of this was strong, and the description at the start was nice, but the story felt like it was lacking. I think knowing more about Thunderlane, developing him more before the end, would help lend the end extra punch, as we need to care about him more. As-is, his character is mostly delivered in broad, generic strokes, and broad, generic strokes are poor for making us care about someone.
I think this story rambled a little too much. It has a strong ending, but Thunderlane's thoughts are kind of disorganized, and it isn't clear why he does this every night—why does he always give up on his dreams the next day? We see the building of resolve, but we don't see what ruins it later or the logic behind that.
It seems strange to me that there's no mention of resident astronomer Twilight Sparkle. Why hasn't Thunderlane talked to her? It's almost as bad as if you'd written a Ponyville story about a pony that wanted to be a fashion designer but didn't mention Rarity anywhere. Even a line about why he's afraid to talk to a princess or something would fix that.
That he was what? :V (Try removing the "that", and since everything is 'he thought' you don't even need that part.) There are a few awkward constructions like this, such as the first sentence whose dangling tacked-on clause at the end doesn't match the previous clause.
An example of too much tell: the second half of this sentence. You can show us that tonight is no different without telling us what to expect in advance.
Separately, you have novae and supernovae confused. A nova is not the death of a star, it's an interaction between two stars that repeats.
It seems strange to me that there's no mention of resident astronomer Twilight Sparkle. Why hasn't Thunderlane talked to her? It's almost as bad as if you'd written a Ponyville story about a pony that wanted to be a fashion designer but didn't mention Rarity anywhere. Even a line about why he's afraid to talk to a princess or something would fix that.
So insignificant that he was, he thought.
That he was what? :V (Try removing the "that", and since everything is 'he thought' you don't even need that part.) There are a few awkward constructions like this, such as the first sentence whose dangling tacked-on clause at the end doesn't match the previous clause.
Thoughts of his dreams often turned sour, and tonight was no different.
An example of too much tell: the second half of this sentence. You can show us that tonight is no different without telling us what to expect in advance.
Separately, you have novae and supernovae confused. A nova is not the death of a star, it's an interaction between two stars that repeats.
This story has a few things going for it: a chance to look at a minor character in a new light; relatable feelings that still carry a flavor unique to that character; and a strong finish.
However, it stumbles a bit in the execution.
Right now, I'd describe Thunderlane's troubles as more "abstract". For example, he works a job he doesn't like. What doesn't he like about it? He hopes to leave a lasting impression on the world. How might he do that as an astronomer?
Things like this would add more depth to his character, and thus make his troubles and feelings more meaningful to the reader.
However, it stumbles a bit in the execution.
Right now, I'd describe Thunderlane's troubles as more "abstract". For example, he works a job he doesn't like. What doesn't he like about it? He hopes to leave a lasting impression on the world. How might he do that as an astronomer?
Things like this would add more depth to his character, and thus make his troubles and feelings more meaningful to the reader.