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Pyre
“Rarity!
“Spike!”
“...”
“R-Rarity! I haven’t seen you in so long!”
“It’s… been a lifetime, dear.”
“Oh it has, hasn’t it?”
“Y-Yeah, Spikey, it h-has.”
“Rarity…”
“I’ve missed you so much! Why did you have to go to war?”
“...I—”
“Why didn’t you think about me when you went?”
“I did Rar—”
“And why did you leave me alone without a letter saying ‘I’m alive’ y-you…”
“Rarity I—”
“You left me alone… for years, waiting just for the day to see you again. Even when I heard you died, I waited. The light was on, and your pyre was burning every night. It hurt me so much to hear the knocking on the door just to see another pony standing there. But that wasn’t it. I contemplated leaving too. The girls kept me there though. I wanted to make sure that they lived without having to worry about me killing myself just to see you!”
“Rarity… why would you…?”
“Because I love you, darling! I love you so much! I—hmmph!”
“...”
“S-Spike, you don’t take advantage of a lady—”
“It’s not taking advantage when it’s a necessity.”
“...”
“Rarity, I’m not going to sugarcoat this, because that’s Pinkie’s job and she’s not around to give us some tasty sugar cookies. I have been waiting for so long to hear you say those words to me. You know how long, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do, Spike.”
“I’m glad you knew, because it makes me happy that you never broke my heart when I was younger.”
“Breaking an aspiring mare-killer of a dragon? Darling, that’s not my bourbon.”
“Bourbon? I thought you liked—”
“A mare doesn’t—”
“—kiss, tell, or share drink preferences unless influenced by heavy amounts of liquor, I know.”
“My, h-how matured you are, Spike.”
“Shut up.”
“...”
“It isn’t funny, Rarity.”
“...”
“I have never heard of a lady in hysterics before.”
“Hysterics? This isn’t hysterics, Spike. Hysterics is when I lay down and eat this—”
“Ice cream?”
“...”
“Rarity, screaming does not work here. All it does is wake up the dead.”
“Ahh—Wait, wake up the dead?”
“My friends from the war…”
“Oh.”
“Yeah…”
“...”
“Rarity, I—”
“No, Spike, I shouldn’t have done that. I apologize.”
“It’s okay, Rares.”
“Rares?”
“You don’t mind the nickname, do you? I’ve always thought that it works quite well with—hmmph!”
“...”
“Darling, it’s more than okay.”
“Wow, just saying Rares gets you to do that?”
“No, I just felt like it.”
“...”
“What?”
“Is that what love is?”
“You don’t know how love feels, Spike?”
“Rarity, I’ve been blinded by it for centuries. I think it’s safe to say that I’ve grown numb to love. Plus, I’m dead. I can’t feel anything but what I felt when I died.”
“Wait, really?”
“Yes. You probably felt anxious to see me and wanted to express your love, while I have been waiting here, upset about my comrades and upset about you living on without me. I died in tears, Rarity. I was sad and regretting that I ever made a promise to you girls saying that I’d make it back.”
“War is cruel, Spike. It sometimes makes us lie even if we don’t want to.”
“...”
“Spike?”
“It made me lie twice. Once to you girls, and twice on the ground with a burnt face and several spears piercing through my chest. I laid there, thinking about you all and if signing up for the Celestial Regiment was a good idea after all, if my contribution to it was worth anything. And I remembered I wanted to protect you all, no matter how cliché that sounds.”
“Spike…”
“I think I’m glad that I did it. I wanted you all safe. And since you all survived, I think my contribution was worth it.”
“But you died and—”
“I know, I know. The girls kept you there though, didn’t they? You loved them like you loved me, right?”
“Well, not romantically speaking, but I did love them as if they were family. I can never—”
“—leave family behind without saying goodbye, yeah.”
“...”
“Spike?”
“Hmm?”
“Does this make us...”
“Soulmates?”
“Mhm.”
“Do you want to be?”
“Yes, darling, I—um…”
“What?”
“I don’t want to call you darling, Spike.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s a lie too. You’re not like the others. You’re more than that. I… want to be soulmates. No matter what.”
“No matter what?”
“Yes.”
“Even if that means running through dirt and mud puddles and—”
“Shut up, mister!”
“...”
“I hate dying.”
“Me too, Rarity.”
“Spike!”
“...”
“R-Rarity! I haven’t seen you in so long!”
“It’s… been a lifetime, dear.”
“Oh it has, hasn’t it?”
“Y-Yeah, Spikey, it h-has.”
“Rarity…”
“I’ve missed you so much! Why did you have to go to war?”
“...I—”
“Why didn’t you think about me when you went?”
“I did Rar—”
“And why did you leave me alone without a letter saying ‘I’m alive’ y-you…”
“Rarity I—”
“You left me alone… for years, waiting just for the day to see you again. Even when I heard you died, I waited. The light was on, and your pyre was burning every night. It hurt me so much to hear the knocking on the door just to see another pony standing there. But that wasn’t it. I contemplated leaving too. The girls kept me there though. I wanted to make sure that they lived without having to worry about me killing myself just to see you!”
“Rarity… why would you…?”
“Because I love you, darling! I love you so much! I—hmmph!”
“...”
“S-Spike, you don’t take advantage of a lady—”
“It’s not taking advantage when it’s a necessity.”
“...”
“Rarity, I’m not going to sugarcoat this, because that’s Pinkie’s job and she’s not around to give us some tasty sugar cookies. I have been waiting for so long to hear you say those words to me. You know how long, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do, Spike.”
“I’m glad you knew, because it makes me happy that you never broke my heart when I was younger.”
“Breaking an aspiring mare-killer of a dragon? Darling, that’s not my bourbon.”
“Bourbon? I thought you liked—”
“A mare doesn’t—”
“—kiss, tell, or share drink preferences unless influenced by heavy amounts of liquor, I know.”
“My, h-how matured you are, Spike.”
“Shut up.”
“...”
“It isn’t funny, Rarity.”
“...”
“I have never heard of a lady in hysterics before.”
“Hysterics? This isn’t hysterics, Spike. Hysterics is when I lay down and eat this—”
“Ice cream?”
“...”
“Rarity, screaming does not work here. All it does is wake up the dead.”
“Ahh—Wait, wake up the dead?”
“My friends from the war…”
“Oh.”
“Yeah…”
“...”
“Rarity, I—”
“No, Spike, I shouldn’t have done that. I apologize.”
“It’s okay, Rares.”
“Rares?”
“You don’t mind the nickname, do you? I’ve always thought that it works quite well with—hmmph!”
“...”
“Darling, it’s more than okay.”
“Wow, just saying Rares gets you to do that?”
“No, I just felt like it.”
“...”
“What?”
“Is that what love is?”
“You don’t know how love feels, Spike?”
“Rarity, I’ve been blinded by it for centuries. I think it’s safe to say that I’ve grown numb to love. Plus, I’m dead. I can’t feel anything but what I felt when I died.”
“Wait, really?”
“Yes. You probably felt anxious to see me and wanted to express your love, while I have been waiting here, upset about my comrades and upset about you living on without me. I died in tears, Rarity. I was sad and regretting that I ever made a promise to you girls saying that I’d make it back.”
“War is cruel, Spike. It sometimes makes us lie even if we don’t want to.”
“...”
“Spike?”
“It made me lie twice. Once to you girls, and twice on the ground with a burnt face and several spears piercing through my chest. I laid there, thinking about you all and if signing up for the Celestial Regiment was a good idea after all, if my contribution to it was worth anything. And I remembered I wanted to protect you all, no matter how cliché that sounds.”
“Spike…”
“I think I’m glad that I did it. I wanted you all safe. And since you all survived, I think my contribution was worth it.”
“But you died and—”
“I know, I know. The girls kept you there though, didn’t they? You loved them like you loved me, right?”
“Well, not romantically speaking, but I did love them as if they were family. I can never—”
“—leave family behind without saying goodbye, yeah.”
“...”
“Spike?”
“Hmm?”
“Does this make us...”
“Soulmates?”
“Mhm.”
“Do you want to be?”
“Yes, darling, I—um…”
“What?”
“I don’t want to call you darling, Spike.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s a lie too. You’re not like the others. You’re more than that. I… want to be soulmates. No matter what.”
“No matter what?”
“Yes.”
“Even if that means running through dirt and mud puddles and—”
“Shut up, mister!”
“...”
“I hate dying.”
“Me too, Rarity.”
Dialogue only? Daring… or you just needed the words, since you’re right at the limit.
The bit about Pinkie is funny, but it breaks the mood.
Centuries? Dang. There’s definitely something more going on here.
Ah. Okay. Now I… kind of get it. This is definitely going to benefit from more space and some narration. The slow revelation largely works, but there are still quite a few questions left unanswered. I definitely look forward to seeing this expanded, because right now, this is so tightly packed that it should come with a “Contents under pressure” label.
The bit about Pinkie is funny, but it breaks the mood.
Centuries? Dang. There’s definitely something more going on here.
Ah. Okay. Now I… kind of get it. This is definitely going to benefit from more space and some narration. The slow revelation largely works, but there are still quite a few questions left unanswered. I definitely look forward to seeing this expanded, because right now, this is so tightly packed that it should come with a “Contents under pressure” label.
This story gave me a chuckle, but would be made better by the addition of this as a final paragraph:
Twilight turned to the mare who'd handed her the story and sighed. "Derpy, I beg you. Please stop writing fanfiction."
Whoa. Now I could be completely wrong here, but I think the word "soulmates" line is... umm, at the crux of why it's only dialogue. I think the all-dialogue thing may have been an intentional choice, meant to set the scene... inasmuch as there could be a physical scene to set under the circumstances.
Assuming I'm interpreting that correctly, this story is actually pretty clever in its execution. It still suffers from some hammy moments and a dollop of pandering to the fan base of the OTP on display here, but I'll give this huge credit for getting a formatting choice to work that usually ends up as the kiss of death.
Assuming I'm interpreting that correctly, this story is actually pretty clever in its execution. It still suffers from some hammy moments and a dollop of pandering to the fan base of the OTP on display here, but I'll give this huge credit for getting a formatting choice to work that usually ends up as the kiss of death.
Man, I don't even know.
If there's more to this than simply dialogue and rolling-reveal of the circumstances, I missed it. I'll give you same advice I gave the author of "Celestia's Fun-er-al" (although I'm suspicious you might be the same author...)
The '...' thing didn't work for me at all. I connect that with incomprehension or loss of words more than kissing or laughing. If you're interested in doing all-dialogue stories, or all narrative, for that matter, I highly recommend you study Earnest Hemmingway's "Hills Like White Elephants". This touches on the show/tell thing, I think, but I consider the crux of show/tell to be that all stories are telling, while some show as well. I'd like some subtext, suggestion, some idea that more is going on here than what's simply being said.
...If you intended there to be more to this story, I apologize, but I missed it. Perhaps I'm not reading carefully enough for your style, or you're being too subtle for your audience.
If there's more to this than simply dialogue and rolling-reveal of the circumstances, I missed it. I'll give you same advice I gave the author of "Celestia's Fun-er-al" (although I'm suspicious you might be the same author...)
The '...' thing didn't work for me at all. I connect that with incomprehension or loss of words more than kissing or laughing. If you're interested in doing all-dialogue stories, or all narrative, for that matter, I highly recommend you study Earnest Hemmingway's "Hills Like White Elephants". This touches on the show/tell thing, I think, but I consider the crux of show/tell to be that all stories are telling, while some show as well. I'd like some subtext, suggestion, some idea that more is going on here than what's simply being said.
...If you intended there to be more to this story, I apologize, but I missed it. Perhaps I'm not reading carefully enough for your style, or you're being too subtle for your audience.
This has some definitely interesting ideas, but the all-dialogue format was definitely an experiment, and I'm sorry to say that it didn't work for me.
The one thing you must be crystal clear with when you write an all-dialogue story is exactly who is speaking which line, since you can't use dialogue tags, narration, or scene description to clarify ambiguities. But these are your first four lines (annotated in color with the speakers that are immediately deducible from the text):
As a cold open, this creates all sorts of confusion.
Grammatically, a new paragraph indicates a new speaker. You sandwich the ellipsis between an obvious Rarity line and an obvious Spike line rather than append it to one of their quotes, so the logical conclusion is that there's a third individual on the scene whose initial contribution is to remain silent. This is reinforced by the fact that there's no logical reason for a pause between lines 2 and 4. After some logic-puzzle solving later in the story, I think you're using "..." to mean "everyone was silent" (which is really counterintuitive and almost certainly unnecessary), and so there actually is an enforced pause there, but that still gives us no context as to what significance the pause has. Awkward silence? Shmoopy looks? Running towards each other in slow motion across a field of waving grass? Panicked ducking into the shadows and clapping their claws/hooves over their mouths as the Sun Tyrant's guards stalk down the street in search of the fugitives? Offscreen sex?
Well, that killed the mood. Seriously, that is the grandmother of mixed signals from Rarity; taking offense that he's not treating her "like a lady" implies a forced distance that is completely at odds with the protestation of love not five seconds before the implied kiss.
This makes no sense if, as the later story suggests, they're dead themselves. (I should point out that the idea that they're meeting in the afterlife is the coolest part of this story, but sifting through all the dialogue was so fatiguing that the idea didn't have the impact it should have had.)
But he just tried to "take advantage" of her like thirty seconds ago! Where's this sudden lack of passion coming from?
Sorry, author, between the dialogue and the contradictory text I just can't connect to anything here. Take a deep breath, rewrite it with dialogue tags (and some descriptions of what's going on during those pauses), and then take a rigorous editing pass to make sure everything's pulling in the same direction and characters are behaving consistently. Then see what you can trim back away to keep the benefits of this sparse format (e.g., there are a few spots like the quoted 'take-advantage' part where you do an excellent job of projecting implied action into those pauses, and I don't want to downplay that). This has an intriguing premise and some touches of excellence and really deserves a thorough overhaul to make it work.
Tier: Needs Work
The one thing you must be crystal clear with when you write an all-dialogue story is exactly who is speaking which line, since you can't use dialogue tags, narration, or scene description to clarify ambiguities. But these are your first four lines (annotated in color with the speakers that are immediately deducible from the text):
“Rarity!" Spike said.
“Spike!” Rarity said.
“...” who is this I don't even
“R-Rarity! I haven’t seen you in so long!” Spike said.
As a cold open, this creates all sorts of confusion.
Grammatically, a new paragraph indicates a new speaker. You sandwich the ellipsis between an obvious Rarity line and an obvious Spike line rather than append it to one of their quotes, so the logical conclusion is that there's a third individual on the scene whose initial contribution is to remain silent. This is reinforced by the fact that there's no logical reason for a pause between lines 2 and 4. After some logic-puzzle solving later in the story, I think you're using "..." to mean "everyone was silent" (which is really counterintuitive and almost certainly unnecessary), and so there actually is an enforced pause there, but that still gives us no context as to what significance the pause has. Awkward silence? Shmoopy looks? Running towards each other in slow motion across a field of waving grass? Panicked ducking into the shadows and clapping their claws/hooves over their mouths as the Sun Tyrant's guards stalk down the street in search of the fugitives? Offscreen sex?
“Because I love you, darling! I love you so much! I—hmmph!”
“...”
“S-Spike, you don’t take advantage of a lady—”
Well, that killed the mood. Seriously, that is the grandmother of mixed signals from Rarity; taking offense that he's not treating her "like a lady" implies a forced distance that is completely at odds with the protestation of love not five seconds before the implied kiss.
“Rarity, screaming does not work here. All it does is wake up the dead.”
“Ahh—Wait, wake up the dead?”
This makes no sense if, as the later story suggests, they're dead themselves. (I should point out that the idea that they're meeting in the afterlife is the coolest part of this story, but sifting through all the dialogue was so fatiguing that the idea didn't have the impact it should have had.)
[Spike] "I think it’s safe to say that I’ve grown numb to love. Plus, I’m dead. I can’t feel anything but what I felt when I died.”
But he just tried to "take advantage" of her like thirty seconds ago! Where's this sudden lack of passion coming from?
Sorry, author, between the dialogue and the contradictory text I just can't connect to anything here. Take a deep breath, rewrite it with dialogue tags (and some descriptions of what's going on during those pauses), and then take a rigorous editing pass to make sure everything's pulling in the same direction and characters are behaving consistently. Then see what you can trim back away to keep the benefits of this sparse format (e.g., there are a few spots like the quoted 'take-advantage' part where you do an excellent job of projecting implied action into those pauses, and I don't want to downplay that). This has an intriguing premise and some touches of excellence and really deserves a thorough overhaul to make it work.
Tier: Needs Work
Another dialogue-only piece! Consider my jimmies rustled.
JK. The rather weird "..." lines didn't throw me off nearly as much as I would like to claim, probably because I knew them already from someone's Fun-er-all. I call samefa author.
It's pretty sappy, but the idea of both of them meeting in the afterlife is kinda cool.
Does the line “Even if that means running through dirt and mud puddles and—” mean to say Spike's afterlife is some sort of bootcamp? Yeesh.
JK. The rather weird "..." lines didn't throw me off nearly as much as I would like to claim, probably because I knew them already from someone's Fun-er-all. I call same
It's pretty sappy, but the idea of both of them meeting in the afterlife is kinda cool.
Does the line “Even if that means running through dirt and mud puddles and—” mean to say Spike's afterlife is some sort of bootcamp? Yeesh.
I didn't have too much trouble figuring out who was speaking when, but the all-dialogue format isn't a favorite technique of mine. It loses a lot of nuance of body language, movements, intonation, and so forth, and those are details that really paint a lot of the picture in the kinds of character interaction that I like to see.
Of course, the whole being dead thing maybe makes that more complicated, so I guess I should cut some slack for that.
I also think that the going-off-to-war story is a little trite and overplayed as a trope in general, and would need both an excellent execution and some unique aspect about it to make a piece really stand out these days.
Of course, the whole being dead thing maybe makes that more complicated, so I guess I should cut some slack for that.
I also think that the going-off-to-war story is a little trite and overplayed as a trope in general, and would need both an excellent execution and some unique aspect about it to make a piece really stand out these days.
Pyre - Another all-dialogue story between Spike and Rarity. I smell shipping in the works. Let’s see how it goes. And… Third place in my IDGI (I Don’t Get It) award shelf, as in I could follow most of the dialogue but it really didn’t go anywhere or show anything, leaving me at the end wondering just what that was. B- (the minus is for the lack of signposts on this road)
This overuses s-s-stammering and ... , which is generally a bad place to go for a story. Now the stammering stops after the first bit, but it still feels forced.
Other than that? The whole motif of 'Spike went to war and died' feels tacked on to Equestria, as-is. I mean, this is the land of magical demigoddess ponies and Twilight & Friends, Blasters of Rainbows. If you are going to do a war out of the blue you need something to sell it, which isn't done here. That weighs down everything else. My suggestion? Swap 'war' for something like 'Monster Hunter' or some much more plausible Equestrian thing. If Spike was off serving as the equivalent of the Coast Guard or a Firefighter or whatever and died in an accident? That actually fits, but 'Died in misery after being stabbed a bunch'...not so much.
Lastly, the all-dialogue is daring. That part doesn't really detract as much, other than the things previous commenters have pointed out.
Other than that? The whole motif of 'Spike went to war and died' feels tacked on to Equestria, as-is. I mean, this is the land of magical demigoddess ponies and Twilight & Friends, Blasters of Rainbows. If you are going to do a war out of the blue you need something to sell it, which isn't done here. That weighs down everything else. My suggestion? Swap 'war' for something like 'Monster Hunter' or some much more plausible Equestrian thing. If Spike was off serving as the equivalent of the Coast Guard or a Firefighter or whatever and died in an accident? That actually fits, but 'Died in misery after being stabbed a bunch'...not so much.
Lastly, the all-dialogue is daring. That part doesn't really detract as much, other than the things previous commenters have pointed out.
Well, I will be expanding this one too, as a matter of fact. Just built an entire story revolving around the war. Hoping it goes well. I might have to watch an episode or two to make sure my facts aren't all wrong. :D
>>Morning Sun
Just because it has rainbows, friendship and demi-goddesses doesn't meant it can't have violence in it.
Equestria isn't a violence-free utopia. Nor is it a utopia in the first place. Let's let that theory die in peace.
>>Morning Sun
Other than that? The whole motif of 'Spike went to war and died' feels tacked on to Equestria, as-is. I mean, this is the land of magical demigoddess ponies and Twilight & Friends, Blasters of Rainbows. If you are going to do a war out of the blue you need something to sell it, which isn't done here. That weighs down everything else. My suggestion? Swap 'war' for something like 'Monster Hunter' or some much more plausible Equestrian thing. If Spike was off serving as the equivalent of the Coast Guard or a Firefighter or whatever and died in an accident? That actually fits, but 'Died in misery after being stabbed a bunch'...not so much.
Just because it has rainbows, friendship and demi-goddesses doesn't meant it can't have violence in it.
Equestria isn't a violence-free utopia. Nor is it a utopia in the first place. Let's let that theory die in peace.