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...the death of dreams, I guess?
The twist at the end did a fair bit to redeem this for me, but a lot of it feels extraneous; the joke is pretty much just that last line. I mean, you could probably have told this in three or four lines, and it would have been just as funny, if not funnier. Brevity is the soul.
Still, I smiled.
The twist at the end did a fair bit to redeem this for me, but a lot of it feels extraneous; the joke is pretty much just that last line. I mean, you could probably have told this in three or four lines, and it would have been just as funny, if not funnier. Brevity is the soul.
Still, I smiled.
Make this a longer story! This is Part 1 of like, 10. And I want the other 9. Do it do it do it do it. Let us see her realize her destiny! Go on her heroine's journey! Write more! Write more!
Hmmhmm.... interesting idea?
I feel like the conflict in this story should be between Celestia and Twilight, but that doesn't seem very developed? This might be a 'big ideas' story, but it doesn't develop on the consequences of knowing your own circumstances of death (or having the chance but not) very strongly, either? I normally dislike vague endings, too... I'm left not really feeling much of anything here, although I think this story lays out some neat ideas, I don't feel it grasps any of them particularly strongly.
Still, I feel like you've got good ideas here. I'd just like to see them developed more deeply.
I feel like the conflict in this story should be between Celestia and Twilight, but that doesn't seem very developed? This might be a 'big ideas' story, but it doesn't develop on the consequences of knowing your own circumstances of death (or having the chance but not) very strongly, either? I normally dislike vague endings, too... I'm left not really feeling much of anything here, although I think this story lays out some neat ideas, I don't feel it grasps any of them particularly strongly.
Still, I feel like you've got good ideas here. I'd just like to see them developed more deeply.
Hmmm...
This is light, and I'm mostly alright with that here? I will say that I didn't find the jokes nearly as funny as the characters did, which was a bit offputting. Also, using "..." for laughing was strange to me, since I normally associate that with more of a blank stare.
If you're interested in doing all-dialogue stories, or all narrative, for that matter, I highly recommend you study Earnest Hemmingway's "Hills Like White Elephants". This touches on the show/tell thing, I think, and I agree with TQ that all dialogue is fairly 'telly', but I consider the thing with show/tell to be that all stories are telling; the difference is that some can show as well. I'd like some subtext, suggestion, some idea that more is going on here than what's simply being said.
However, you do manage to have more than one joke in here, which is more than most minifics manage. So that's a definite plus.
EDIT: Oh, and I think it's 'knave', not 'nave'? I'm bad at archaic, though. 'nave' made me think 'naif', which is a little different, possibly? Eh, well.
This is light, and I'm mostly alright with that here? I will say that I didn't find the jokes nearly as funny as the characters did, which was a bit offputting. Also, using "..." for laughing was strange to me, since I normally associate that with more of a blank stare.
If you're interested in doing all-dialogue stories, or all narrative, for that matter, I highly recommend you study Earnest Hemmingway's "Hills Like White Elephants". This touches on the show/tell thing, I think, and I agree with TQ that all dialogue is fairly 'telly', but I consider the thing with show/tell to be that all stories are telling; the difference is that some can show as well. I'd like some subtext, suggestion, some idea that more is going on here than what's simply being said.
However, you do manage to have more than one joke in here, which is more than most minifics manage. So that's a definite plus.
EDIT: Oh, and I think it's 'knave', not 'nave'? I'm bad at archaic, though. 'nave' made me think 'naif', which is a little different, possibly? Eh, well.
Okay, this was pretty funny.
I think it worked for me because it's ridiculous throughout, and the end really does cinch it fairly well. Good work, author, although I didn't shoot tears of laughter from my eyes, I did smirk. A pretty decent joke.
I think it worked for me because it's ridiculous throughout, and the end really does cinch it fairly well. Good work, author, although I didn't shoot tears of laughter from my eyes, I did smirk. A pretty decent joke.
Well... you've picked some good ideas to work with here, I'd say. I was also unclear what was going on, until I read FOME's comment; the timeframes here are quite unclear to my reading. I thought that the invasion was further in the past, and... yeah, I don't even know. You've also got some confusion in who's acting/speaking, so double-check your pronoun attribution and be careful about how many actors per paragraph you've got.
Probably what held me back most, though, was uncertainty on what emotion/message you're trying to convey here. You've picked some strong ideas, but I don't feel that they were developed strongly/deeply enough to really pack much of a punch to me, as the reader. More words might help with that, but that's the basic weakness I'm feeling here.
Probably what held me back most, though, was uncertainty on what emotion/message you're trying to convey here. You've picked some strong ideas, but I don't feel that they were developed strongly/deeply enough to really pack much of a punch to me, as the reader. More words might help with that, but that's the basic weakness I'm feeling here.
Very amusing romp. As someone who ordinarily hates non-mane six and OCs, you managed to endear me to both in only a few hundred words with some snappy, well-written dialogue. Kudos.
I guess this is political commentary of some sort?
I should probably care more about politics, but... I don't.
Anyways, this feels like you were hoping for a different prompt. I guess I could see a wry twist to using it with the current one, but still.
This gets a big fat meh from me. I don't really find it very funny, or cutting, or satirical, or... well much of anything, honestly. Sorry, author.
I should probably care more about politics, but... I don't.
Anyways, this feels like you were hoping for a different prompt. I guess I could see a wry twist to using it with the current one, but still.
This gets a big fat meh from me. I don't really find it very funny, or cutting, or satirical, or... well much of anything, honestly. Sorry, author.
Hmmm... I feel like I want to like this story. You've got some implications here that could be really neat - if I had a better idea where you were going with them.
The specificity of the first bit seems to imply that something important happened immediately before this, but I'm not sure what.
My best guess is that 'Anon' is somehow supposed to show the 'real' Pinkie, while the pinkie 'we' see is the one she imagines herself as? That could be cool. The bit at the end with the cake batter disappearing is interesting in that context, because it could suggest that something more is going on here, but it's very unclear what that is.
I dunno, author. I think you've got the seed of something really interesting here. But this treatment isn't strong enough to sell me on it very strongly. Still, I like it for what it is, despite what's holding it back for me.
The specificity of the first bit seems to imply that something important happened immediately before this, but I'm not sure what.
My best guess is that 'Anon' is somehow supposed to show the 'real' Pinkie, while the pinkie 'we' see is the one she imagines herself as? That could be cool. The bit at the end with the cake batter disappearing is interesting in that context, because it could suggest that something more is going on here, but it's very unclear what that is.
I dunno, author. I think you've got the seed of something really interesting here. But this treatment isn't strong enough to sell me on it very strongly. Still, I like it for what it is, despite what's holding it back for me.
This sounds like the medieval half-backed lewd libels monks were used to write for fun. Not unlike Le Roman de Renard.
However the end turning meta ruined it for me. And the title lacks flair. I think it would've been yet funnier if written as a ballad/song.
A good attempt, but I prefer Mansions in that style.
Oh, and besides, this story doesn't make sense: everyone knows all the Mane 6 are lesbians.
However the end turning meta ruined it for me. And the title lacks flair. I think it would've been yet funnier if written as a ballad/song.
A good attempt, but I prefer Mansions in that style.
Oh, and besides, this story doesn't make sense: everyone knows all the Mane 6 are lesbians.
This was a devastating read, Writer. Watching somepony's dreams be torn apart, bit by (seemingly logical) bit is heartbreaking.
I do love the tie-in to the show itself, fleshing out a minor character in a pivotal episode. But I agree with everypony above - this is just the start of a much longer story. One I very much want to read! But it's little more than an introduction - Lily starts high and is brought low, and - well, I guess that counts as an arc, but your conclusion still leaves a lot set up without a lot of payoff, and relies a bit much on rhetorical devices.
That said, this is some of the best writing I've yet read in this competition, Writer. For that, you can expect high marks from me.
Final Thought: I Need a Hug
I do love the tie-in to the show itself, fleshing out a minor character in a pivotal episode. But I agree with everypony above - this is just the start of a much longer story. One I very much want to read! But it's little more than an introduction - Lily starts high and is brought low, and - well, I guess that counts as an arc, but your conclusion still leaves a lot set up without a lot of payoff, and relies a bit much on rhetorical devices.
That said, this is some of the best writing I've yet read in this competition, Writer. For that, you can expect high marks from me.
Final Thought: I Need a Hug
You tipped your hand a bit early with the 'make a killing' line, I think. This story was very straightforward, and although it has some bleak comedy in it, I didn't feel like it had a lot of meat. Not a bad effort, but nothing special either.
That... that was a thing, I guess?
I dunno. The biggest problem I have with this story is that I didn't find it very funny or understandable. If you're going for humor/random, I don't think I can help you with that. Horizon covered most of the problems here, I'd say. Clarity on who's talking would help a lot. After that, clarity on the ending would cut back on some of the 'wat', possibly? If this is going for ridiculous instead of random, it needs more rationalization to act as a foundation. And if it's going for pure random... perhaps more comedy would help keep it from feeling quite so discombobulating?
I dunno. The biggest problem I have with this story is that I didn't find it very funny or understandable. If you're going for humor/random, I don't think I can help you with that. Horizon covered most of the problems here, I'd say. Clarity on who's talking would help a lot. After that, clarity on the ending would cut back on some of the 'wat', possibly? If this is going for ridiculous instead of random, it needs more rationalization to act as a foundation. And if it's going for pure random... perhaps more comedy would help keep it from feeling quite so discombobulating?
Man, I don't even know.
If there's more to this than simply dialogue and rolling-reveal of the circumstances, I missed it. I'll give you same advice I gave the author of "Celestia's Fun-er-al" (although I'm suspicious you might be the same author...)
The '...' thing didn't work for me at all. I connect that with incomprehension or loss of words more than kissing or laughing. If you're interested in doing all-dialogue stories, or all narrative, for that matter, I highly recommend you study Earnest Hemmingway's "Hills Like White Elephants". This touches on the show/tell thing, I think, but I consider the crux of show/tell to be that all stories are telling, while some show as well. I'd like some subtext, suggestion, some idea that more is going on here than what's simply being said.
...If you intended there to be more to this story, I apologize, but I missed it. Perhaps I'm not reading carefully enough for your style, or you're being too subtle for your audience.
If there's more to this than simply dialogue and rolling-reveal of the circumstances, I missed it. I'll give you same advice I gave the author of "Celestia's Fun-er-al" (although I'm suspicious you might be the same author...)
The '...' thing didn't work for me at all. I connect that with incomprehension or loss of words more than kissing or laughing. If you're interested in doing all-dialogue stories, or all narrative, for that matter, I highly recommend you study Earnest Hemmingway's "Hills Like White Elephants". This touches on the show/tell thing, I think, but I consider the crux of show/tell to be that all stories are telling, while some show as well. I'd like some subtext, suggestion, some idea that more is going on here than what's simply being said.
...If you intended there to be more to this story, I apologize, but I missed it. Perhaps I'm not reading carefully enough for your style, or you're being too subtle for your audience.
This story seems to be mostly focused on the reveal, but I didn't see much to it other than that. It's them; so... what? I mean, what's the meaning, the point, the message, the end goal? The mystery/reveal did interest me, but it didn't come in strongly enough to hook me hard, and when it finished it didn't seem to convey much meaning to me.
This isn't bad. But consider why you're using the tools you are; and if you know that, but you're readers aren't getting it, consider being less subtle about what the meaning/point is, I guess?
This isn't bad. But consider why you're using the tools you are; and if you know that, but you're readers aren't getting it, consider being less subtle about what the meaning/point is, I guess?
Hrm. And it was all a dream, huh?
Not sure what this is going for. Horror seems like the best bet, but... I didn't feel it. The bit with the knife and what threw me on the response, because I'd expect the MC to be more curious.
I guess I just have no idea what you're going for here.
Not sure what this is going for. Horror seems like the best bet, but... I didn't feel it. The bit with the knife and what threw me on the response, because I'd expect the MC to be more curious.
I guess I just have no idea what you're going for here.
I didn't see much of The Giving Tree in this one...
Going in, I was half-expecting to see Fluttershy being painted as the Giving Tree to Angel, because of everything she did for him. I don't have a whole lot to say about this, except that other people have covered the LUS, and that the conclusion lacks some emotional oomph or meaningful interpretation in my eyes.
Going in, I was half-expecting to see Fluttershy being painted as the Giving Tree to Angel, because of everything she did for him. I don't have a whole lot to say about this, except that other people have covered the LUS, and that the conclusion lacks some emotional oomph or meaningful interpretation in my eyes.
This was pretty cute. Good job on the touch of melancholy at the end. "though the earth pony and unicorn mares" made me think there were two unicorns for a moment. The middle felt a bit stretched; it worked alright as slice-of-life, although a touch of variety on the 'we're snuggly lesbians' theme might have helped. Nice work overall.
>>Trick_Question
Not mine, I'm afraid. It's an interesting story, and ambitious. If it's on my slate it'll probably get a decent score simply on those counts, but I'm not sure I would consider it 'great' just yet.
We'll see how it stacks up against the competition.
Edit: It is on my slate!
Not mine, I'm afraid. It's an interesting story, and ambitious. If it's on my slate it'll probably get a decent score simply on those counts, but I'm not sure I would consider it 'great' just yet.
We'll see how it stacks up against the competition.
Edit: It is on my slate!
>>Trick_Question
As it happens, I've only read "15 Minutes" and this so far, in that order. I sort of agree with you here, in that this one may have more going on, but because it was less immediately captivating, it didn't intrigue me as much. (But really, it's just that I love Rainbow Dash.)
You spent more time on it than Rainbow Dash 15 Minutes Whatever, but what you added only makes it that much more annoying to read.
As it happens, I've only read "15 Minutes" and this so far, in that order. I sort of agree with you here, in that this one may have more going on, but because it was less immediately captivating, it didn't intrigue me as much. (But really, it's just that I love Rainbow Dash.)
>>Haze
I... might agree? I like it in principle but "disoriented" is a pretty good description of how I felt reading it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
The willingness to play with that is what I liked in principle about it. There's definitely neat stuff to be mined there. The only well-known example of this sort of viewpoint fuckery I can think of is Slaughterhouse Five, which is in Vonnegut's first-person perspective throughout but is about someone else and so reads as third-person, but I'm sure there are more pyrotechnic examples where an alien or someone with a weird psychological disorder somehow can't use first-person even though they're the narrator, and of course you get hiveminds saying "we" all the time. I'm sure there's fascinating stuff here.
(Ooh, Adam Cadre's Narcolepsy has a shift from standard IF second-person to first-person at the end of the cold open, complete with lampshade, but I never got any further than that.)
From this fic I learned that combining 1st and 2nd person at the same time is extremely disorienting.
I... might agree? I like it in principle but "disoriented" is a pretty good description of how I felt reading it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
It’s not really second-person perspective when there’s an “I” character.
The willingness to play with that is what I liked in principle about it. There's definitely neat stuff to be mined there. The only well-known example of this sort of viewpoint fuckery I can think of is Slaughterhouse Five, which is in Vonnegut's first-person perspective throughout but is about someone else and so reads as third-person, but I'm sure there are more pyrotechnic examples where an alien or someone with a weird psychological disorder somehow can't use first-person even though they're the narrator, and of course you get hiveminds saying "we" all the time. I'm sure there's fascinating stuff here.
(Ooh, Adam Cadre's Narcolepsy has a shift from standard IF second-person to first-person at the end of the cold open, complete with lampshade, but I never got any further than that.)
Yeah, this definitely needs a solid editing pass. As mentioned, the correct spelling of "lich", "popped clean off" instead of "of", and "pink crystal" instead of "Pinkie crystal" are all absolutely necessary changes.
And about that last one: I suspect it's intentional foreshadowing, but it just doesn't work. Pinkie doesn't have her own type of crystal (or if she does, we need to know that for it to make sense), and we all know damn well that "Pinkie" is a proper noun and is not to be confused with the color pink, so it just seems like a weird typo or something until the drop. Actually, after changing that, I think I have one more change I'd recommend, to the penultimate line:
Oh yeah, and Spike disappears. Without even reacting to seeing his major crush with her lung punctured, for that matter.
This idea just needs to be paced out a little bit better to really flow. I don't want to say more exposition, because the gradual realization is the joke and point. However, other commenters have found Rarity's excessive calm and sudden reversal to be jarring even though they're part of the humor because they hit us a little too cold. You've done this well of a job with pacing and exposition; I'm sure you can make Rarity's reactions make more sense without a humor/tension-killing exposition dump. Spike might help here! He doesn't necessarily know what Twilight's been up to, and again, he's getting an unexpected opportunity to find out that Rarity is quite literally not as beautiful on the inside.
All that said, I really liked this. It shot right to the top of my ratings (although I'm only three stories deep and both of the others were trollish metafics). I even already have the shelf I'll put it on if I get to read it on FiMFic!
And about that last one: I suspect it's intentional foreshadowing, but it just doesn't work. Pinkie doesn't have her own type of crystal (or if she does, we need to know that for it to make sense), and we all know damn well that "Pinkie" is a proper noun and is not to be confused with the color pink, so it just seems like a weird typo or something until the drop. Actually, after changing that, I think I have one more change I'd recommend, to the penultimate line:
“Well of course Pinkie would be fine with it,” Rarity said, sighing.
“Actually..." Twilight gestured at the glowing pink crystal. "I'm still working on Pinkie's spell.”
Oh yeah, and Spike disappears. Without even reacting to seeing his major crush with her lung punctured, for that matter.
This idea just needs to be paced out a little bit better to really flow. I don't want to say more exposition, because the gradual realization is the joke and point. However, other commenters have found Rarity's excessive calm and sudden reversal to be jarring even though they're part of the humor because they hit us a little too cold. You've done this well of a job with pacing and exposition; I'm sure you can make Rarity's reactions make more sense without a humor/tension-killing exposition dump. Spike might help here! He doesn't necessarily know what Twilight's been up to, and again, he's getting an unexpected opportunity to find out that Rarity is quite literally not as beautiful on the inside.
All that said, I really liked this. It shot right to the top of my ratings (although I'm only three stories deep and both of the others were trollish metafics). I even already have the shelf I'll put it on if I get to read it on FiMFic!
Also, I'll point out that it felt very brisk (in a good way! I think) despite bumping up against the wordcount limit. That suggests there is room to pace things out a bit without dulling it down.
Biggest problem here is a lack of coherence on who exactly the narrator is. I know now it's Spike but I only gathered that by the end of the fic, making the rest of it wholly confusing to read. At one point I thought Gummy may have been narrating, since we were in Sugarcube Corner and nobody had spoken to him directly.
Then the fic just kinda changes ideas from a baking mishap to time travel.
'kaaaaaay.
That's way too big in scale for a 750 word minific. It's basically two ideas. Definitely possible for a short story but this is a minific. Ya gotta be extremely selective in these.
Then the fic just kinda changes ideas from a baking mishap to time travel.
'kaaaaaay.
That's way too big in scale for a 750 word minific. It's basically two ideas. Definitely possible for a short story but this is a minific. Ya gotta be extremely selective in these.
I feel a little chastened to still be in the "wat" camp when >>Trick_Question clearly sees a whole lot going on, but even knowing why it's surrealistically weird, it's still just weird. The ponies are websites, but they're also ponies who can talk and pull carts? The coffin is a recycling bin? I almost don't want it to have a point, so that it could just be dream logic.
This reminds me a lot of "Fluttershy Goes to Narnia" in its tone, but I liked that and couldn't get into this. If I could articulate exactly why I feel like it would help you a lot, anonymous author, but I'm afraid I'm not sure. Lines like "She was really craving for some cactuses. Why? Well, it's a long story, but to put in it short, Fluttershy was in the mood for some exotic juice." -- clunky, perhaps deliberately -- and all the strike-through jokes seemed to be pointing in that trollish direction, but that sentence-level stuff doesn't seem to jive with the overall story very well.
So yeah. Watmode. Sorry about you died, Fluttershy.
This reminds me a lot of "Fluttershy Goes to Narnia" in its tone, but I liked that and couldn't get into this. If I could articulate exactly why I feel like it would help you a lot, anonymous author, but I'm afraid I'm not sure. Lines like "She was really craving for some cactuses. Why? Well, it's a long story, but to put in it short, Fluttershy was in the mood for some exotic juice." -- clunky, perhaps deliberately -- and all the strike-through jokes seemed to be pointing in that trollish direction, but that sentence-level stuff doesn't seem to jive with the overall story very well.
So yeah. Watmode. Sorry about you died, Fluttershy.
Small niggle but given that this seems to be going for a show tone and setting, the use of 'bitch' feels a bit out of place. That's just personal opinion.
As for the fic itself, it's nice but feels kinda drive by. Everything takes place from Rainbow's perspective so we never see that conversation Fluttershy has with her mother. Now, that's not a bad thing in itself but we don't get nearly enough detail on Rainbow worrying and waiting. It's only, like, one or two paragraphs long. If we're going with Rainbow's perspective, we need more of her feelings on the situation, for the reader to really connect with the situation.
As for the fic itself, it's nice but feels kinda drive by. Everything takes place from Rainbow's perspective so we never see that conversation Fluttershy has with her mother. Now, that's not a bad thing in itself but we don't get nearly enough detail on Rainbow worrying and waiting. It's only, like, one or two paragraphs long. If we're going with Rainbow's perspective, we need more of her feelings on the situation, for the reader to really connect with the situation.
A little telly in places at the beginning, for example:
ECH.
Was nice on the whole but as the others have said, it needs more.
I, however, have a different suggestion than what they might propose. The second part? SCRAP.
It's not bad but if you wanted to keep the length short, cut that part, and add in a bit at the beginning about Lily coming up with the idea of using her strength to save Equestria.
I think going from that to seeing her dreams get crushed under Tiara's hoof would make the fic feel much more complete.
Diamond Tiara smirked at the discovery of her opponent's weak spot.
ECH.
Was nice on the whole but as the others have said, it needs more.
I, however, have a different suggestion than what they might propose. The second part? SCRAP.
It's not bad but if you wanted to keep the length short, cut that part, and add in a bit at the beginning about Lily coming up with the idea of using her strength to save Equestria.
I think going from that to seeing her dreams get crushed under Tiara's hoof would make the fic feel much more complete.
Is this memes?
As someone who loves memes myself, this speaks to me. Just because you use memes, doesn't mean you're a drooling idiot or something. You just think memes are funny and have a different sense of humor than others. This story is all silly style and hidden substance.
Thought it'd annoy me at first but I got the message and smiled in appreciation.
As someone who loves memes myself, this speaks to me. Just because you use memes, doesn't mean you're a drooling idiot or something. You just think memes are funny and have a different sense of humor than others. This story is all silly style and hidden substance.
Thought it'd annoy me at first but I got the message and smiled in appreciation.
Started melodramatic to the point of feeling cliché -- lines like the one >>Trick_Question pointed out are just over the top, but she probably has the right idea of how to fix it -- but it did wind up hitting home in the end anyway. Not really sure where to put it.
Also, I was surprised Rainbow Dash didn't turn out to be a character. That's not a flaw because exposing their identities slowly is intentional, and the choices do fit the story well, but it seemed worth mentioning. (I'd go into more detail but I'm not sure if the spoiler tag is the same here as on FiMFic and I don't want to do my first test with live munitions.)
Also, I was surprised Rainbow Dash didn't turn out to be a character. That's not a flaw because exposing their identities slowly is intentional, and the choices do fit the story well, but it seemed worth mentioning. (I'd go into more detail but I'm not sure if the spoiler tag is the same here as on FiMFic and I don't want to do my first test with live munitions.)
Fun idea but, I dunno, there's a lot of dialogue without much description so the whole thing feels a bit too rushed for me.
And did Discord just... create life? I thought he was going back in time and plucking these extinct animals from their time zones but apparently not.
But... isn't creating life order? I, uh...
I'm thinking too deeply about this aren't I.
And did Discord just... create life? I thought he was going back in time and plucking these extinct animals from their time zones but apparently not.
But... isn't creating life order? I, uh...
I'm thinking too deeply about this aren't I.
“Did you?” Rainbow asked, her question the perfect parry.
Somewhat in the vein of >>Trick_Question's comment: this story would be about twice as good if the highlighted phrase was deleted.
Overall, while it didn't grab me too much, it was fairly solid. I think "show, don't tell" can extend a long way for this one, in the sense of making Dash's side of the conversation more powerful. She's too telly with Sunset and it holds the character interaction back for the same reasons that apply to expository prose. (Then again, there's no way Dash is a restrained and self-aware orator, even in this context.)
But this is a very Sunset-y story, in a good way.
I absolutely love how you made pegasi sound monstrous and eldritch until we realize what it is. It takes the cuteness of Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy to make me forget how freaky the idea of a six-limbed mammal is.
>>Trick_Question
You get the pervy stories, Horizon gets the meta stories, and PP gets the trollish stories. :U
>>TitaniumDragon
I do want to see that other 4/10 here.
You get the pervy stories, Horizon gets the meta stories, and PP gets the trollish stories. :U
>>TitaniumDragon
I think it was like, a 6/10, when it could have been a 10/10 and left me howling on the floor.
I do want to see that other 4/10 here.
I wasn’t quite sure what was going on at first here, but it quickly became evident that this story was about the earth pony with “freakish strength”, and Diamond Tiara’s general awfulness – as well as the earth pony filly thinking about what good her strength was, and whether or not her dreams of being a hero were off.
The problem with this story is that it feels incomplete, as others have noted; this feels like the start of a piece, and the conclusion is unsatisfying, as we don’t really get anything other than an introduction here – there is no rising action, no climax, no resolution.
The problem with this story is that it feels incomplete, as others have noted; this feels like the start of a piece, and the conclusion is unsatisfying, as we don’t really get anything other than an introduction here – there is no rising action, no climax, no resolution.
This story suffers from its nature as a dialogue-only piece, and while I get why you took that approach, honestly, it didn’t really do the story any real favors.
I wasn’t that amused by the story anyway, and it had shades of the whole Gamer Luna and general out-of-characterness of some silly portrayals of Luna and Celestia that never really worked well for me to begin with. The story as a whole felt a bit random, and I don’t really get the point of the requirement with listening to the music.
Honestly, this felt kind of scattered, and wasn't nearly as funny as it seemed to think it was, judging by the characters laughing.
I wasn’t that amused by the story anyway, and it had shades of the whole Gamer Luna and general out-of-characterness of some silly portrayals of Luna and Celestia that never really worked well for me to begin with. The story as a whole felt a bit random, and I don’t really get the point of the requirement with listening to the music.
Honestly, this felt kind of scattered, and wasn't nearly as funny as it seemed to think it was, judging by the characters laughing.
The “riddling with tense errors” bit actually made me laugh, but the rest was… meh. Meta stories about writing/writers almost never work for me at all, and this story just was bleh. There wasn’t really much here except “lol this entry is something I cobbled together super fast, hope no one noticed *wink wink*” and unfortunately this sort of thing almost always falls flat when it is the primary joke of a piece.
I have to concur with the assessment of my esteemed colleagues; I’m not sure what the point you were trying to make with this story was. It felt like it had some sort of point, but what was it? If you were trying to emphasize something about Tossed not living up to his potential, doing more with that would help. If the bird was meant to symbolize something, it needs to be made more obvious.
Lily is diagnosed with an incurable disease. She has two months to live – a year, if she’s hospitalized. She doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life in the hospital, so just wants some pain meds.
But the doctor is skeptical. Giving her two months of meds all at once, she could easily OD on them.
But Lily wants to live the rest of her life without pain, however short that might be…
I appreciated the heavy subject matter here. My biggest concern, however, is that the doctor simply reversed themselves too quickly. Not that I can't buy that the character would do that - there's a reason places legalize assisted suicide - but in this case, the doctor pretty much reversed themselves on the spot, immediately after bringing it up, which felt a bit out of place. The doctor feeling uncomfortable with it was entirely legitimate and justified, and I didn't really feel like it got played out quite far enough there.
But the doctor is skeptical. Giving her two months of meds all at once, she could easily OD on them.
But Lily wants to live the rest of her life without pain, however short that might be…
I appreciated the heavy subject matter here. My biggest concern, however, is that the doctor simply reversed themselves too quickly. Not that I can't buy that the character would do that - there's a reason places legalize assisted suicide - but in this case, the doctor pretty much reversed themselves on the spot, immediately after bringing it up, which felt a bit out of place. The doctor feeling uncomfortable with it was entirely legitimate and justified, and I didn't really feel like it got played out quite far enough there.
A lot of people were a lot more impressed by this than I was, unfortunately. Not to say that this was bad by any means, but while there is quite a bit of descriptiveness in here, some of it feels unnatural. “She wonders if she is witnessing a genesis, the shaky first steps of a newborn” just feels weird and out of place given the circumstances and events.
That said, this was a solid idea for a story, and I did like it decently, as well as the idea of Twilight rushing forward to rip someone out of the wreckage with her magic because she’s Twilight Sparkle. I just wasn’t in love with it, as some other folks were.
That said, this was a solid idea for a story, and I did like it decently, as well as the idea of Twilight rushing forward to rip someone out of the wreckage with her magic because she’s Twilight Sparkle. I just wasn’t in love with it, as some other folks were.
I smirked.
Reminds me of episodes in kids TV shows where for that one episode the bad guy wouldn't be so bad and would work with the protagonist, at least for a bit.
Like others say, I think it could be made even better if the ham was juuust a bit hammier. Maybe Daring lamenting on the fact that she will never be able to write a book and Ahuizotl's stunned by this revelation and asks why he never got royalties from the sales.
... holy crap that's a good idea in itself.
Reminds me of episodes in kids TV shows where for that one episode the bad guy wouldn't be so bad and would work with the protagonist, at least for a bit.
Like others say, I think it could be made even better if the ham was juuust a bit hammier. Maybe Daring lamenting on the fact that she will never be able to write a book and Ahuizotl's stunned by this revelation and asks why he never got royalties from the sales.
... holy crap that's a good idea in itself.
A nice little idea that makes for a sweet moment between sisters. The idea of Celestia not forgetting Nightmare Moon, since it's a part of Luna, is interesting too.
Still, though, to say that Nightmare Moon brought them together because of Twilight...? Bit of a stretch. That was all Celestia's efforts, in my view.
Still, though, to say that Nightmare Moon brought them together because of Twilight...? Bit of a stretch. That was all Celestia's efforts, in my view.
Disclaimer: I haven't read many stories featuring the Wonderbolts. So I'm just going by their canon interpretations which are... unique, at best. That may have affected my enjoyment of the fic, sadly. It's interesting and uses the prompt in a creative way, don't get me wrong, but why does Spitfire want to be a normal pony? It just came out at the end all of a sudden.
This is also another story that likes using human insults for the ponies. It was really jarring to read Soarin say
I'm no prude, don't get that impression. I love to fucking swear like a Goddamn sailor. But when I'm reading ponies... seeing human swears just breaks my immersion. Also, like Spitfire says, I don't think Soarin would be so callous and spiteful towards his uncle, even if nobody liked him. He seems much more chill than that.
This is also another story that likes using human insults for the ponies. It was really jarring to read Soarin say
“Eh, he was a dick anyway.
I'm no prude, don't get that impression. I love to fucking swear like a Goddamn sailor. But when I'm reading ponies... seeing human swears just breaks my immersion. Also, like Spitfire says, I don't think Soarin would be so callous and spiteful towards his uncle, even if nobody liked him. He seems much more chill than that.
You really need to clarify the distinction between lowercase-t taters and capital-T Taters, because it almost seems like the tuber in the bucket says the first line of dialogue here. At the very least, call the colt by his full name at some point.
As for the story… yeah, I’m going to have to join the chorus of “I don’t get it.” Especially since it isn’t clear whether Tossed actually says anything to the bird or if it read his mind. And the pronoun confusion at the end, where the bird goes from “it” to “him” midsentence, only confuses matters further.
As for the story… yeah, I’m going to have to join the chorus of “I don’t get it.” Especially since it isn’t clear whether Tossed actually says anything to the bird or if it read his mind. And the pronoun confusion at the end, where the bird goes from “it” to “him” midsentence, only confuses matters further.
Script format? I see we’re going for another authorial application of the prompt.
This is an interesting idea, the execution is sorely lacking, doing nothing but raise questions. Why hide Luna in the basement for a millennium? Why abandon the Everfree castle, and how did they manage to transport Luna to Canterlot with nopony noticing? Why did Luna go along with this for a thousand years if she objected to it in the first place? And that’s putting aside the proofreading flubs and idiomatic oddities that make the sisters sound strangely stilted even when they do approach being in character. This needs a lot more room to properly explore its ideas.
This is an interesting idea, the execution is sorely lacking, doing nothing but raise questions. Why hide Luna in the basement for a millennium? Why abandon the Everfree castle, and how did they manage to transport Luna to Canterlot with nopony noticing? Why did Luna go along with this for a thousand years if she objected to it in the first place? And that’s putting aside the proofreading flubs and idiomatic oddities that make the sisters sound strangely stilted even when they do approach being in character. This needs a lot more room to properly explore its ideas.
Great imagery, though a few moments are out of place, like the genesis line. The airship is crashing and on fire. I don’t know maternity wards you’ve been to, but the comparison doesn’t seem apt. Also, you may want to establish the temporal setting more concretely rather than just implying it’s pre-ascension by Twilight choosing not to fly. (Honestly, I’m still not sure if I have that right.)
Still, this is a beautiful piece for the most part. And I think I get the title. Twilight took it upon herself to be there when no one else was, both for Spike and for this foal… though the “Like” in the title makes me unsure about that interpretation.
Still, this is a beautiful piece for the most part. And I think I get the title. Twilight took it upon herself to be there when no one else was, both for Spike and for this foal… though the “Like” in the title makes me unsure about that interpretation.
This meandered a bit in the middle, but once I understood what you were going for, it was hilarious. Still, a firmer foundation will definitely help, especially if you expand it. People could easily get lost during the casual conversation about Things no human mind should ever encounter.
A good scene, but it feels excised from the middle of a larger story. (And I can’t help but wonder who maintains these millennia-old traps. Stone crumbles. Metal rusts. Wood rots. Why does entropy always seem to give the mechanisms in ancient ruins a pass even as it ruins the rest?) I’d love to see this expanded, but for now, it left me unsatisfied.
Heh, there's enough humor and writing skill evident here that I can't knock it too much. I have one major quibble with the humor, though: there's an inconsistency in how ponies react to DT (but which DT? lollololol...) before versus after the scene break that creates an uncomfortable change in the tone. As others have pointed out, Celestia's reaction doesn't do enough to turn things around and keep it funny; she comes off as weak, which overemphasizes the serious elements.
IMO you could get this to work better by either starting with having ponies take her seriously at first and then having that backfire later, or keeping the reaction to her as consistently WTF throughout; but going from WTF to serious just doesn't keep it as funny.
IMO you could get this to work better by either starting with having ponies take her seriously at first and then having that backfire later, or keeping the reaction to her as consistently WTF throughout; but going from WTF to serious just doesn't keep it as funny.
You shouldn’t use apostrophes in the numbers. They’re plurals, not possessives.
In any case, I’m practically obligated to enjoy a story where card games are serious business, and I quite liked this one. I agree that playing up Ahuizotl’s ham will help the story. Showing the effects of his exuberance on Daring would also work well. We should be able to see how well his efforts are working.
In any case, I’m practically obligated to enjoy a story where card games are serious business, and I quite liked this one. I agree that playing up Ahuizotl’s ham will help the story. Showing the effects of his exuberance on Daring would also work well. We should be able to see how well his efforts are working.
I have to think Celestia is in the wrong here. Not necessarily about the chronomancy; peeking ahead leading to a quantum collapse and destiny lock-in does sound feasible, especially given what we’ve seen with time magic in the show. Starlight might be able to break the spell’s effects, but doing so could have even worse ramifications.
No, I think Celestia is wrong in denying Twilight this knowledge. She deserves to know, and she can presumably cancel the spell the moment she gets a result, both to spare herself the emotional anguish and to minimize predetermination.
This story annoyed me, but it did so within the narrative rather than because of bad writing. You made me feel and think, and that’s never a bad thing.
No, I think Celestia is wrong in denying Twilight this knowledge. She deserves to know, and she can presumably cancel the spell the moment she gets a result, both to spare herself the emotional anguish and to minimize predetermination.
This story annoyed me, but it did so within the narrative rather than because of bad writing. You made me feel and think, and that’s never a bad thing.
This feels rather thin; it has one idea it tries to present and defend, but the idea is so obvious—at least, it was to me—that most of the story feels superfluous. Really, I take more issue with the idea of Pinkie planning her own parties. Given that she forgot her own birthday, she seems to be a blind spot in her own planning. That may be a matter of clashing headcanon, but it still feels off. In all, this just doesn’t feel like much.
This was fantastic. Strong characterization, strong implicit drama, strong everything. I can understand others’ complaints, but this felt so true to the source that I didn’t even notice those issues. (Granted, I was anticipating a twist so much that the absence of one threw me for a loop.)
Also, I don’t think this was a shipfic. It just came across as Fluttershy’s mother disapproving of her living on the surface and a friend offering moral support.
Also, I don’t think this was a shipfic. It just came across as Fluttershy’s mother disapproving of her living on the surface and a friend offering moral support.
I understand why you kept the spellcraft vague at first, but it still distracted from the main content of the story. Also, describing the object as “Pinkie crystal” is really weird; it sounds like she excreted it somehow. And, of course, there’s Spike’s complete nonreaction to Rarity’s perforation. This is an interesting idea, but it needs some reworking for optimal flow.
>>Trick_Question
I think the story was referring to the surprising modularity Pinkie demonstrated in "The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows."
>>Trick_Question
I think the story was referring to the surprising modularity Pinkie demonstrated in "The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows."
My first thought is of Sealab 2021. Not at all a bad thing.
An amusing vignette with strong expansion potential. I think it may have been best to cut the Attercopus scene in this version, simply because you didn’t have enough room to describe them. Still, very nicely done, and I look forward to a larger version.
>>JaketheGinger
It could be argued that all acts of creation are acts of order, given that they manifest an organized structure. Discord clearly disagrees.
An amusing vignette with strong expansion potential. I think it may have been best to cut the Attercopus scene in this version, simply because you didn’t have enough room to describe them. Still, very nicely done, and I look forward to a larger version.
>>JaketheGinger
It could be argued that all acts of creation are acts of order, given that they manifest an organized structure. Discord clearly disagrees.
That opener really does not impress. The attempt at intriguing the reader is far too transparent.
What the hell, Cheerilee? Who asks schoolchildren to contemplate their own mortality?
Okay, Spoiled is a bitch, we know that, but Filthy telling his little girl to stop making a racket because she’s crying feels wrong on every conceivable level.
In all, this is a good attempt at further exploring post-“Lost Mark” Tiara, but the premise is flawed, the pathos runs too high in her first draft, and her father is almost unrecognizable. There is an interesting idea here, but it’s going to take some work to get the most out of it.
What the hell, Cheerilee? Who asks schoolchildren to contemplate their own mortality?
Okay, Spoiled is a bitch, we know that, but Filthy telling his little girl to stop making a racket because she’s crying feels wrong on every conceivable level.
In all, this is a good attempt at further exploring post-“Lost Mark” Tiara, but the premise is flawed, the pathos runs too high in her first draft, and her father is almost unrecognizable. There is an interesting idea here, but it’s going to take some work to get the most out of it.
This sets a touching scene, but the phrasing is bizarre at times. I don’t have any issue with the OCs, but I do with the dropped articles and pronouns and peculiar sentence structure. Clean that up and you’ll have a good heartstring tugger.
Nicely done, though I can’t help but think that the funeral should have been held sooner after the agency’s dissolution. I suppose they’ve had to work down the list; a huge spate of them would be more than a little suspicious.
I’d love to see this expanded; this would work great as a final scene, especially if the line about the retirement package was mentioned directly in an earlier one. Plus, you could include what happened to Sweetie’s parents.
I’d love to see this expanded; this would work great as a final scene, especially if the line about the retirement package was mentioned directly in an earlier one. Plus, you could include what happened to Sweetie’s parents.
I think I see where you were going with this. As Princess of Friendship, Twilight subconsciously equates the inevitable deaths of her friends with her own demise. Despite her immortality, by losing the ponies who made her what she is, everything that makes her Twilight Sparkle will die with them. Still, the part about only alicorns being able to lift coffin lids is kind of dumb. It makes sense by dream logic, but we don’t know that the scene is operating on that yet. Add greater surreality at first to make it clear that this isn’t reality as we know it.
In all, fairly standard riff on immortality blues. Not bad, but not especially impressive either. Again, playing up the dreaminess will make it a lot more engaging.
In all, fairly standard riff on immortality blues. Not bad, but not especially impressive either. Again, playing up the dreaminess will make it a lot more engaging.
Everything wrong with the Wonderbolts in one convenient package. At least Spitfire has some sense of perspective. Still, I have to agree with the others; spelling out that regret was not the way to go.
>>Morning Sun
My problem isn't that I found the ending unclear but that the ending opens up a deeply intriguing story that I don't get to see. This is a fascinating idea, but it isn't self-contained.
My problem isn't that I found the ending unclear but that the ending opens up a deeply intriguing story that I don't get to see. This is a fascinating idea, but it isn't self-contained.
I've been not paying too much attention, but a quick search for "finals" through the thread yielded no results.
Are we having a finals round with only 65 entries? If so, will it be fewer than the typical 35 (considering that's more than half)?
Are we having a finals round with only 65 entries? If so, will it be fewer than the typical 35 (considering that's more than half)?
>>Bugle
I would hope 65 is enough to allow for a finals round, albeit maybe a smaller one. That's still a non-trivial chunk of horsewords.
I would hope 65 is enough to allow for a finals round, albeit maybe a smaller one. That's still a non-trivial chunk of horsewords.
I thought the dark humor here worked very well. I didn't notice any typos. Everybody felt... if not quite in-character relative to subject matter that we'd ever see on the show, then at least in-character for an AU that could go this dark. And It felt complete as a story, which is always desirable in a minific round.
...so I'm gonna rate this pretty highly. I can understand why others might want more out of it, or might object to how far the characters are going with their dubious behavior, but I find the total package here to be quite satisfying.
...so I'm gonna rate this pretty highly. I can understand why others might want more out of it, or might object to how far the characters are going with their dubious behavior, but I find the total package here to be quite satisfying.
>>Bugle
>>CoffeeMinion
Last round had 25 out of 48 minifics in the finals. So we're likely getting finals on this one, but not sure how many.
Gotta say, so far I feel like this has been a quality round. Some stories have problems, but nothing has bored me yet. The reviews so far suggest a lot of "love it or hate it" entries.
>>CoffeeMinion
Last round had 25 out of 48 minifics in the finals. So we're likely getting finals on this one, but not sure how many.
Gotta say, so far I feel like this has been a quality round. Some stories have problems, but nothing has bored me yet. The reviews so far suggest a lot of "love it or hate it" entries.
Too much mystery on top of mystery. It takes away from the suspense when the clues arrive so late.
I'm kinda wondering what Sunset is getting out of this deal. That might've added some more depth to this one.
I'm kinda wondering what Sunset is getting out of this deal. That might've added some more depth to this one.
For such a serious subject matter, that was pretty fun. I think the main character was Rainbow Dash, and her... uh, stubbornness. What can you even do but surrender to it? No matter if she's being stupid, I find it rather life-affirming. I think it could've ended a little stronger on the last line, to be less ambiguous (assuming I even interpreted the story the way the author intended)
I agree with everyone out here, so I’ve little else to offer.
The ‘purple alicorn’ syndrome stroke again without any good reason.
Sounds like Octavia is here only—well—to have her noun cited.
The ‘purple alicorn’ syndrome stroke again without any good reason.
Sounds like Octavia is here only—well—to have her noun cited.
Really, I must agree with the other commenters here: the initial joke somewhat overstayed its welcome, and the end was so subtle I had to read the former reviews to get it. And really, if the end is really what the others figure out it is—well it’s no big whoop. Well, I just don’t know. What’s the significance of SA and Cadence sharing a piece of cake? I don’t get it. Maybe it’s an American shtick. I’m lost.
Well, I suspected it when the guard showed up, but considering it was at the ending I think the story did it's job quite well.
A slower reveal would probably improve it, but considering that you need to add at lest 250 words to publish it I don't see any problem there. Nice work!
A slower reveal would probably improve it, but considering that you need to add at lest 250 words to publish it I don't see any problem there. Nice work!
Quite interesting worldbuilding here, I love it when the "lesser" details of a culture are explored, and you have done a nice job in that regard here.
While there are some conflicts with canon, as explained by >>Trick_Question , those are, in my opinion, lesser issues that don't detract much from the overall quality of this story.
While there are some conflicts with canon, as explained by >>Trick_Question , those are, in my opinion, lesser issues that don't detract much from the overall quality of this story.
“Then it spoke, the words defined by subtraction and not by sound.” What does that mean?
I must be dumb, but I don’t get the last part. Who’s speaking? Is Pinkie dead? What? I’m unable to parse it correctly.
TD suggests this is a Pinkie’s funeral, but if it’s true then it’s a kind of a letdown, since the idea of a Pinkie’s funeral being a party rather than a true funeral is just so tired…
I must be dumb, but I don’t get the last part. Who’s speaking? Is Pinkie dead? What? I’m unable to parse it correctly.
TD suggests this is a Pinkie’s funeral, but if it’s true then it’s a kind of a letdown, since the idea of a Pinkie’s funeral being a party rather than a true funeral is just so tired…
(Destressing at work again. Going to start in on the ones with only three review posts.)
I would call this a lower-middle-of-the-pack story. Nothing here broke me out of my reading, so kudos for smooth writing and characterization, but it also did nothing to excite me. I spent most of the story waiting for the hook, and then realized the whole thing was building up to a joke, and the joke was pretty underwhelming. There's really nothing in the long setup here that we haven't seen almost exactly in the show. One way to fix that, as >>Calipony suggests, might be to personalize the party more, although even with more polish I'm not sure I could ever see this one as rising above the weak core joke.
Tier: Misaimed
>>Calipony
To explain the final pun, as well as provide some historical context:
"Wake" is an English word for a social gathering held after someone's death. ( If I create a link in spoiler text, it will color the text, so here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wake_(ceremony) ) The pun here plays off of the fact that Tank is sleeping, so they are celebrating the fact that he will be waking up in the indefinite future, as well as the idea that a "wake" is a death party, because Rainbow Dash treated it like a death. The reason that the joke is weak is that the double meaning literally comes from the word's own etymology. In the days before modern medical science, sometimes people actually were buried alive, so friends of the deceased would gather and stay up all night to make certain that the dead person truly had kicked the bucket.
I would call this a lower-middle-of-the-pack story. Nothing here broke me out of my reading, so kudos for smooth writing and characterization, but it also did nothing to excite me. I spent most of the story waiting for the hook, and then realized the whole thing was building up to a joke, and the joke was pretty underwhelming. There's really nothing in the long setup here that we haven't seen almost exactly in the show. One way to fix that, as >>Calipony suggests, might be to personalize the party more, although even with more polish I'm not sure I could ever see this one as rising above the weak core joke.
Tier: Misaimed
>>Calipony
To explain the final pun, as well as provide some historical context:
"Wake" is an English word for a social gathering held after someone's death. ( If I create a link in spoiler text, it will color the text, so here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wake_(ceremony) ) The pun here plays off of the fact that Tank is sleeping, so they are celebrating the fact that he will be waking up in the indefinite future, as well as the idea that a "wake" is a death party, because Rainbow Dash treated it like a death. The reason that the joke is weak is that the double meaning literally comes from the word's own etymology. In the days before modern medical science, sometimes people actually were buried alive, so friends of the deceased would gather and stay up all night to make certain that the dead person truly had kicked the bucket.
I liked the lyrics.
I think the idea's going over my head though. Just when I think it's one kind of story and I form some expectations, it jumps to something else. By the end I'm not even sure what I wanted out of it. It's too slippery for me to latch on to, neither logically nor emotionally.
I think the idea's going over my head though. Just when I think it's one kind of story and I form some expectations, it jumps to something else. By the end I'm not even sure what I wanted out of it. It's too slippery for me to latch on to, neither logically nor emotionally.
You know, I was going to complain about the prompt drop, which is almost never a good idea, but then this one redeemed itself with Spitfire's response. That's kind of the linchpin of the story here, comparing and contrasting the two different prompt interpretations and rejecting the colloquial one in favor of something deeper. The melodrama did nothing for me (and there's a lot of it), but that one exchange feels like it elevates the piece. Right at the end, too, where you're able to close strong. I don't think I can stamp this one "Solid" when I spent the vast majority of the story waiting for something to break out of the cliché and surprise me, but I'm still going to look at it pretty favorably if it's on my slate.
>>pterrorgrine
For my part, I'm not certain what is gained by the slow reveal of the characters' identities. I mean, they're pretty much exactly who we expect them to be from MLP context and story context. That's my main problem with this piece, honestly: up until the ending this feels awfully paint-by-numbers. YMMV.
(And yes, the Writeoff.me spoiler tag is [ spoiler ], same as Fimfic.)
Tier: Almost There
>>pterrorgrine
For my part, I'm not certain what is gained by the slow reveal of the characters' identities. I mean, they're pretty much exactly who we expect them to be from MLP context and story context. That's my main problem with this piece, honestly: up until the ending this feels awfully paint-by-numbers. YMMV.
(And yes, the Writeoff.me spoiler tag is [ spoiler ], same as Fimfic.)
Tier: Almost There
boooo, hisss
the humor turned out too cringey-awkward for my taste. AJ and Rarity don't even get to do much besides sit there and be ridiculed.
the humor turned out too cringey-awkward for my taste. AJ and Rarity don't even get to do much besides sit there and be ridiculed.
Sorry, this one's pretty boring to me. With one exception: I like the idea of "wild" and "tame" clouds.
Other than that... this is just a paint by numbers story. Nothing exciting at all. No twists or turns. And the characters aren't unique enough to be interesting at all.
Maybe I could like this story if I knew who the characters were. Familiar scenarios with familiar characters who've not handled it can be fun, after all. But as these are OCs (apparently OCs from a previous story, but nonetheless OCs), it's hard to get that connection.
There's nothing wrong with it, it's just there's nothing excellent enough about it to be interesting in any way.
Verdict: Dull.
Other than that... this is just a paint by numbers story. Nothing exciting at all. No twists or turns. And the characters aren't unique enough to be interesting at all.
Maybe I could like this story if I knew who the characters were. Familiar scenarios with familiar characters who've not handled it can be fun, after all. But as these are OCs (apparently OCs from a previous story, but nonetheless OCs), it's hard to get that connection.
There's nothing wrong with it, it's just there's nothing excellent enough about it to be interesting in any way.
Verdict: Dull.
>>RogerDodger
Roger, as long as you're still tweaking the on-site discussion: can you fiddle with the CSS to make links within spoiler blocks override the default link color and match the background? I think this will do it:
That's a long-standing FIMFiction annoyance and there's no reason it can't be fixed if you're rolling your own.
Roger, as long as you're still tweaking the on-site discussion: can you fiddle with the CSS to make links within spoiler blocks override the default link color and match the background? I think this will do it:
.Post-contents--body .Spoiler a {
color: #222;
text-decoration: underline;
}
That's a long-standing FIMFiction annoyance and there's no reason it can't be fixed if you're rolling your own.
This particular characterization of Blueblood isn't one I've ever seen before, but I liked it. I also really liked the insistence of calling Cornerstone "Trusty Butler." I laughed at the name at first "wait, someone is actually named that?" And laughed again when I realized that, no, it was just Blueblood being an unsympathetic ass.
That being said, this isn't a story. As CM and FoME said, it's a trailer. An amusing one, but really just a trailer. I'd like to see where this goes, though, so hopefully you'll deliver.
I don't think I actually have any other complaints. I quite enjoyed this.
Verdict: Amusing, but needs several more chapters.
That being said, this isn't a story. As CM and FoME said, it's a trailer. An amusing one, but really just a trailer. I'd like to see where this goes, though, so hopefully you'll deliver.
I don't think I actually have any other complaints. I quite enjoyed this.
Verdict: Amusing, but needs several more chapters.
Time travel, it's a helluva drug...
No seriously, this was clever in its use of the wibbly-wobbly. I didn't see the end coming and I thought Spike's line was the perfect way to finish. Unlike >>Trick_Question I thought everyone else's lines served the story; not because they needed to talk, but because having those characters say those lines was an efficient way of establishing how absurd everyone found the situation. If anything, I might complain about Trixie being depicted as brainlessly one-dimensional; but then we wouldn't have the story if she wasn't.
No seriously, this was clever in its use of the wibbly-wobbly. I didn't see the end coming and I thought Spike's line was the perfect way to finish. Unlike >>Trick_Question I thought everyone else's lines served the story; not because they needed to talk, but because having those characters say those lines was an efficient way of establishing how absurd everyone found the situation. If anything, I might complain about Trixie being depicted as brainlessly one-dimensional; but then we wouldn't have the story if she wasn't.
funny how I read this directly after "Funeral for a Friend"
now this was a roller coaster of craziness. a little bit too saturated to fit all that in at exactly 750 words, obviously this one required some editing down, but I'll forgive it because it was so entertaining. in fact, kudos for carefully editing it so we could get to read it. better that it feel cramped, than to feel like something's missing.
oooh, an shipping subplot? <3 wait wait, that wouldn't make sense with the 20 year gap. nevermind.
it seems unusual that this cause of death left no evidence at all. eh, whatever.
now this was a roller coaster of craziness. a little bit too saturated to fit all that in at exactly 750 words, obviously this one required some editing down, but I'll forgive it because it was so entertaining. in fact, kudos for carefully editing it so we could get to read it. better that it feel cramped, than to feel like something's missing.
"Do you have any idea how much you upset Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie?"
oooh, an shipping subplot? <3 wait wait, that wouldn't make sense with the 20 year gap. nevermind.
it seems unusual that this cause of death left no evidence at all. eh, whatever.
Yeesh, this one... well, it needs some fine tuning at the very least.
The conversation makes no sense if swapping characters per paragraph which leads me to believe there's a missing paragraph break somewhere, but I can't figure out where. Which just kind of... ruins the rest for me.
The ending almost works in some ways and falls short in others. Carapace's reaction doesn't seem appropriate, though. And it seems pretty foolish to just burst out, regardless of which side you assumed won the original skirmish. Not to mention if they've been underground that long, how did they not once decide to check on what's been happening on the surface? Surely if they were secreted away, they should be able to slightly move a door or manhole cover or whatever it was they're hiding in.
I dunno. The whole thing's pretty unbelievable to me. I think you could probably shape this into something that works, but it'll take a fair bit of effort.
Verdict: Weak.
The conversation makes no sense if swapping characters per paragraph which leads me to believe there's a missing paragraph break somewhere, but I can't figure out where. Which just kind of... ruins the rest for me.
The ending almost works in some ways and falls short in others. Carapace's reaction doesn't seem appropriate, though. And it seems pretty foolish to just burst out, regardless of which side you assumed won the original skirmish. Not to mention if they've been underground that long, how did they not once decide to check on what's been happening on the surface? Surely if they were secreted away, they should be able to slightly move a door or manhole cover or whatever it was they're hiding in.
I dunno. The whole thing's pretty unbelievable to me. I think you could probably shape this into something that works, but it'll take a fair bit of effort.
Verdict: Weak.
This fic sits on the fence. On the one hand, you seem to aim for meteorological accuracy in discribing cumulonimbi, but the vertical currents that blow through such a cloud are so violent and spread so far beyond the actual limit of the cloud that no winged creature could land on the cloud; so I must deduce your cloud is like the clouds we see in the show, but those ones do not need to be kilometres high for unleashing rain and thunder: you just have to jump on them many times.
The story is nice but fairly predicable and the use of OC detracts from it because we don't really care for them. Substitute Cirrus by the young Rainbow Dash, that'd make for a much stronger arc.
The story is nice but fairly predicable and the use of OC detracts from it because we don't really care for them. Substitute Cirrus by the young Rainbow Dash, that'd make for a much stronger arc.
Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):
Applejack: 5
Rainbow: 5
Pinkie: 3
Twilight: 3
Rarity: 2
Fluttershy: 1
Sunset: 1
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
This is a pretty touchy subject, and I'm not sure it's really handled well, to be honest. A bit too anivlicious for me, but that's possibly just personal taste.
On the plus side, Twilight's written pretty accurately here. And Rainbow... okay, I think Rainbow's just a little too dumb. But I'd say she's pretty accurate outside of a line or two (and she needed to be modified a little for the conflict to even exist).
Trick is absolutely right in that the ending would be better without the last paragraph. Or just made it "Twilight sighed." or something signifying she has a response, but not tell us what it is.
All in all, this didn't work for me.
Verdict: Misaimed.
Applejack: 5
Rainbow: 5
Pinkie: 3
Twilight: 3
Rarity: 2
Fluttershy: 1
Sunset: 1
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
This is a pretty touchy subject, and I'm not sure it's really handled well, to be honest. A bit too anivlicious for me, but that's possibly just personal taste.
On the plus side, Twilight's written pretty accurately here. And Rainbow... okay, I think Rainbow's just a little too dumb. But I'd say she's pretty accurate outside of a line or two (and she needed to be modified a little for the conflict to even exist).
Trick is absolutely right in that the ending would be better without the last paragraph. Or just made it "Twilight sighed." or something signifying she has a response, but not tell us what it is.
All in all, this didn't work for me.
Verdict: Misaimed.
Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):
Rainbow: 6
Applejack: 5
Pinkie: 3
Twilight: 3
Rarity: 2
Fluttershy: 1
Sunset: 1
Meadow Flower? Where's my Cloudchaser? Erm, uh... [/notbiasednope]
So you're trying to add onto the shows canon and show a scene that happened between two others. That's fine. And it's honestly not a bad scene. Thing is... it wasn't needed. And, honestly, I think I like the scenes in question better if Dash storms over immediately and doesn't have the intention of quitting immediately, only getting the thought when she's already in Spitfire's office and Spitfire is a little too accepting of the situation.
So it's not a bad scene, but the fact that it doesn't add anything to the episode it references (and actually kind of detracts a little, at least for me), I'm afraid I didn't like it quite as much as I could have.
Verdict: Good, but flawed and a little unnecessary,
Rainbow: 6
Applejack: 5
Pinkie: 3
Twilight: 3
Rarity: 2
Fluttershy: 1
Sunset: 1
Meadow Flower? Where's my Cloudchaser? Erm, uh... [/notbiasednope]
So you're trying to add onto the shows canon and show a scene that happened between two others. That's fine. And it's honestly not a bad scene. Thing is... it wasn't needed. And, honestly, I think I like the scenes in question better if Dash storms over immediately and doesn't have the intention of quitting immediately, only getting the thought when she's already in Spitfire's office and Spitfire is a little too accepting of the situation.
So it's not a bad scene, but the fact that it doesn't add anything to the episode it references (and actually kind of detracts a little, at least for me), I'm afraid I didn't like it quite as much as I could have.
Verdict: Good, but flawed and a little unnecessary,
Usual rant: “Sister, thy tongue does not correlate with our merriment!” doth, not does. If you elect to make Luna use Shakespearean English, go for it, but go the whole hog, otherwise it just looks like you're showing off. And the horrid “T-Thou thinks” instead of ‘thinkest’ does nothing to assuage that (also ‘are’ instead of ‘art’, etc.).
“Remember, I have to assume the worst like if you somehow died by an assassin whose paycheck weighs on killing you because you took his ten bits.” Couldn't parse that sentence.
I didn't get the ‘nave’ until I read Hat’s review. It’s knave, yeah, Knabe in German means ‘boy’.
All those approximations marred my experience. I agree with the others that the all dialogue format is not a good choice. Either you want to add some context and descriptions of the decor, either well, risk the script form, which would be much more natural for such a vignette.
“Remember, I have to assume the worst like if you somehow died by an assassin whose paycheck weighs on killing you because you took his ten bits.” Couldn't parse that sentence.
I didn't get the ‘nave’ until I read Hat’s review. It’s knave, yeah, Knabe in German means ‘boy’.
All those approximations marred my experience. I agree with the others that the all dialogue format is not a good choice. Either you want to add some context and descriptions of the decor, either well, risk the script form, which would be much more natural for such a vignette.
second paragraph = good
first paragraph = missed opportunity. this is your chance to sell the reader on the OCs as individuals. doesn't have to be anything significant or fancy. even a little detail about how he's perched can establish some personality.
other than that, this was thrilling. I haven't yet experienced a fanfic (or any story, I guess) where the clouds feel so massive and dangerous, yet beautiful.
the ending.... I don't think the metaphorical ellipses works quite right. give me some danger! slap the reader in the cheek! this isn't a quiet slice of life, it deserves to end with a crack of thunder!
first paragraph = missed opportunity. this is your chance to sell the reader on the OCs as individuals. doesn't have to be anything significant or fancy. even a little detail about how he's perched can establish some personality.
other than that, this was thrilling. I haven't yet experienced a fanfic (or any story, I guess) where the clouds feel so massive and dangerous, yet beautiful.
the ending.... I don't think the metaphorical ellipses works quite right. give me some danger! slap the reader in the cheek! this isn't a quiet slice of life, it deserves to end with a crack of thunder!
the structure doesn't make this feel very funny. I mean the 2nd part is kinda humorous, but the 1st part is just there to justify how the 2nd happened. it spends too much time, making me start to wonder if she's being out-of-character, before moving on to the actual joke.
“sarcophagus”, really? (In Greek, it means “corpse eater” and is the root of the French word for a coffin, “cercueil”).
Blueblood is a unicorn, no? Why does he have to use a crowbar to slide the slab?
You went slightly overboard with your cuckoo clock. That's what happen when you buy knockoffs.
“before closing the bag and swinging it on his bag.” You're not heading for clarity here.
Yeah, it was mildly funny, but I think it's not as funny as it could've been. Painting Blueblood as a bawdy rascal faking his death is a great idea, but somehow I think there are still loose ends and you could've pushed the gimmick further. Not bad, though.
Blueblood is a unicorn, no? Why does he have to use a crowbar to slide the slab?
You went slightly overboard with your cuckoo clock. That's what happen when you buy knockoffs.
“before closing the bag and swinging it on his bag.” You're not heading for clarity here.
Yeah, it was mildly funny, but I think it's not as funny as it could've been. Painting Blueblood as a bawdy rascal faking his death is a great idea, but somehow I think there are still loose ends and you could've pushed the gimmick further. Not bad, though.
I'm surprised they'd be stuffing their faces if they were that disappointed, particularly given Apple Bloom's initial reaction and how it made the cookie taste weak.
It would have helped to indicate who the foals were, up front, or at least how many there were. It seemed like it was the CMC and then you kept pulling new names out of the air.
The ending made me laugh. I think it comes too far out of left field, though. If the changeling were holding a copy of the Foal Free Press (as in, the kids breaking the news, which was almost all of the story, was actually important to the story), then it would tie the ending to the rest of the story and everything would work. I think you need that. As-is, the ending is a non sequitur: it's very funny, but it doesn't fit with the rest of the story.
It would have helped to indicate who the foals were, up front, or at least how many there were. It seemed like it was the CMC and then you kept pulling new names out of the air.
The ending made me laugh. I think it comes too far out of left field, though. If the changeling were holding a copy of the Foal Free Press (as in, the kids breaking the news, which was almost all of the story, was actually important to the story), then it would tie the ending to the rest of the story and everything would work. I think you need that. As-is, the ending is a non sequitur: it's very funny, but it doesn't fit with the rest of the story.
>>Calipony
It is a Christmas Carol crossover. The Ghost ofChristmas Hearth's Warming Future got his wires crossed and accidentally brought Pinkie Pie forward to see her funeral, instead of a cranky old businesspony. Naturally, Pinkie Pie wants everyone to be cheerful instead of focusing on how sad her death is.
And to be fair, I can totally see it coming from her. You know, like Graham Chapman's funeral.
It is a Christmas Carol crossover. The Ghost of
And to be fair, I can totally see it coming from her. You know, like Graham Chapman's funeral.
Spitfire blames herself for the death of a teammate which happened while they were dealing with an Everfree storm (or possibly, a monster creating a storm).
>>Trick_Question
I actually don't think that line was problematic - it was entirely reasonable in context, and I didn’t think it was excessively telly.
I do think that this story suffered a bit from being overly cliché. The one bright spot was the ending, and while it was a bit cliché too (I’ve seen this exact thing in other stories), the ending felt well-executed. There wasn’t really anything wrong with this story per se so much as that it was very by the numbers and failed to really do anything exceptional. It was what it was.
I’m also not really sure if the gradual reveal of the characters’ identity actually matters all that much, save perhaps to make it ambiguous whether or not the person drinking was in charge or not – but I kind of got the impression that it was the person who was in charge from the start, so… yeah, I dunno. I suspect that when you put this on FIMFiction, the identity of the Wonderbolt drinking will be very obvious, and the character tags will probably give it away.
>>Trick_Question
I actually don't think that line was problematic - it was entirely reasonable in context, and I didn’t think it was excessively telly.
I do think that this story suffered a bit from being overly cliché. The one bright spot was the ending, and while it was a bit cliché too (I’ve seen this exact thing in other stories), the ending felt well-executed. There wasn’t really anything wrong with this story per se so much as that it was very by the numbers and failed to really do anything exceptional. It was what it was.
I’m also not really sure if the gradual reveal of the characters’ identity actually matters all that much, save perhaps to make it ambiguous whether or not the person drinking was in charge or not – but I kind of got the impression that it was the person who was in charge from the start, so… yeah, I dunno. I suspect that when you put this on FIMFiction, the identity of the Wonderbolt drinking will be very obvious, and the character tags will probably give it away.
I have to echo the confusion of the others as to why waves of hunger were crashing against her partway through. Was she trying to spare him from being drained too much? If so, it might be best to make that clear.
This was a weird story, but weird in a good way. That said, Chrysalis’s decision at the end feels like it could have been a bit better explained – as-is, it is kind of ambiguous as to whether she is being cruel and throwing him away, or trying to be “kind” in her own messed up, twisted way. I think it is the latter, with her heart having as many holes as her legs, but I suspect some people will interpret it the other way.
This was a weird story, but weird in a good way. That said, Chrysalis’s decision at the end feels like it could have been a bit better explained – as-is, it is kind of ambiguous as to whether she is being cruel and throwing him away, or trying to be “kind” in her own messed up, twisted way. I think it is the latter, with her heart having as many holes as her legs, but I suspect some people will interpret it the other way.
Twilight wants to know if she’s immortal.
There’s only one spell Celestia knows for that – a spell which shows a pony their own funeral, allows them to watch the session go on.
Only three ponies have cast it. For one of them, it likely doomed them to die. For a second, it is questionable. And for the third, it demonstrated their immortality.
But there’s a terrible cost – if you attend your own funeral, you know what will happen, and time then becomes immutable – you’re unable to change what it was that was said and done in the future, meaning that events must inexorably and inevitably lead up to that point.
Celestia warns Twilight that both the possibility of the spell not working – indicating you may live forever, or, alternatively, that when you die, there won’t be anyone around to give you a funeral – and the possibility of being locked into a bad future are terrible things.
But Twilight needs to know. She wants to plan.
I liked this a lot. I’m a sucker for time travel, fate, predestination – and fighting against those things, and I side with Celestia here. But I liked this on the whole – it was an interesting idea, an interesting story, and it worked well. It was very tight, and well done.
I think the biggest flaw here was that it didn’t feel like Twilight was emotional enough to really just do something like this on the spot; I wasn’t emotionally convinced by the story that Twilight wouldn’t at least sit down and think about it, even if she came to the same decision.
There’s only one spell Celestia knows for that – a spell which shows a pony their own funeral, allows them to watch the session go on.
Only three ponies have cast it. For one of them, it likely doomed them to die. For a second, it is questionable. And for the third, it demonstrated their immortality.
But there’s a terrible cost – if you attend your own funeral, you know what will happen, and time then becomes immutable – you’re unable to change what it was that was said and done in the future, meaning that events must inexorably and inevitably lead up to that point.
Celestia warns Twilight that both the possibility of the spell not working – indicating you may live forever, or, alternatively, that when you die, there won’t be anyone around to give you a funeral – and the possibility of being locked into a bad future are terrible things.
But Twilight needs to know. She wants to plan.
I liked this a lot. I’m a sucker for time travel, fate, predestination – and fighting against those things, and I side with Celestia here. But I liked this on the whole – it was an interesting idea, an interesting story, and it worked well. It was very tight, and well done.
I think the biggest flaw here was that it didn’t feel like Twilight was emotional enough to really just do something like this on the spot; I wasn’t emotionally convinced by the story that Twilight wouldn’t at least sit down and think about it, even if she came to the same decision.