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Clouds Like Mountains
Alto found Cirrus perched on the edge of a wild cloud drifting in from the Everfree.
Wild clouds were dangerous, their parents said. It was a tired bit of obvious wisdom, in the same vein as Don’t Fly at Night, or Always Preen Your Wings Before Bed. Alto imagined that unicorn and earth pony foals dealt with the same sugary over-caution from their parents – Don’t Fire Lasers From Your Horn Indoors, perhaps, or… Whatever it was earth ponies did. Alto wasn’t really sure on that point.
Her parents were right about wild clouds, though. They were dangerous.
Alto first spotted her brother as a grey speck on the blinding white surface of the cloud, no larger than a speck of dust against its immensity. Wild clouds were larger than their tame counterparts, usually, but this one was enormous. Its flat base began no lower than seven thousand feet, and the highest broccoli-like plumes towered so far above her she couldn’t even fathom where they ended. Twenty-thousand feet or more, and still growing.
She landed beside him, her wings buzzing like a hummingbird’s to keep her aloft. The air was so thin, halfway up the cloud’s escarpment, that her lungs burned and the faint beginnings of a headache lurked behind her eyes. She rested a moment, to catch her breath, then stomped over to him.
“What are you doing up here?” she demanded. “Mom and dad said to stay away from the wild clouds.”
“Yeah? They told you the same thing, didn’t they?”
Alto bristled. “I’m allowed. I’m older, and I’m here to get you.”
He flicked his wing at her, tearing a tuft of the cloud away and spraying her with frigid droplets of water. She spluttered in surprise, and scowled when he laughed.
“Lighten up, Alto. You’re too serious, sometimes.”
“One of us has to be.”
He snorted, letting her know just what he thought of that, and then jumped off the edge. About a thousand feet below he landed on another massive upwelling of cloud.
Alto chased him down, banking nervously around the shifting cloud. It grew even as she watched, bulbous and unruly, like an explosion in slow motion.
She couldn’t even see the ground when she landed. The cloud stretched out before and below her for miles, while behind her it reached up for the heavens with an anvil’s flat head. It rumbled beneath her hooves with the promise of lightning.
“This isn’t safe,” she said, and she winced at how much she sounded like their mother.
“Life isn’t safe,” he shot back. “You want to push around tame little Weather Team clouds all your life? Fine. Be one of those pegasi who never flies higher than the treetops. Just get a home on the ground while you’re at it.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You take that back!”
He smirked. “Why? It’s true.” Without waiting for her reply, he turned to face the cloud. It filled three-quarters of the world, all but a faint sliver of the horizon and the blue sky above them.
“I’m going in,” he said. “All the way to its heart.”
She froze with one hoof held in the air. She’d been about to tackle him and bite his mane and yank it until he apologized, but now she was at a loss. No pegasus – no smart pegasus – would dare to fly into the center of a wild cloud.
“Cirrus…” She licked her lips and started over. “Cirrus, don’t. There could be anything in there. Sleet, thunder. Maybe even hail.”
“Yeah, maybe.” He flapped his wings a few times, settling the feathers, and gave her a grin. “Should be fun.”
“Fun? You could get killed!”
“Eh.” He stared at the cloud, as though his vision could somehow penetrate its depths. “Maybe. But life is dangerous. Besides, you’ll be with me.”
“What?” She drew back, her wings flaring at the thought. “I will not! One of us has to be sensible, and—hey, come back!”
But he was already gone. A faint swirl of cloudstuff twisted in the air where he had vanished into the monster’s depths. He could be hundreds of feet away, already.
She considered the cloud again. It was miles across, and miles high. The water within must have weighed over a billion pounds. A pegasus could get lost within, and spend hours flying in circles. And all that time, the lightning and hail and cold would compete to kill them.
She scowled again.
And she dove after him.
Wild clouds were dangerous, their parents said. It was a tired bit of obvious wisdom, in the same vein as Don’t Fly at Night, or Always Preen Your Wings Before Bed. Alto imagined that unicorn and earth pony foals dealt with the same sugary over-caution from their parents – Don’t Fire Lasers From Your Horn Indoors, perhaps, or… Whatever it was earth ponies did. Alto wasn’t really sure on that point.
Her parents were right about wild clouds, though. They were dangerous.
Alto first spotted her brother as a grey speck on the blinding white surface of the cloud, no larger than a speck of dust against its immensity. Wild clouds were larger than their tame counterparts, usually, but this one was enormous. Its flat base began no lower than seven thousand feet, and the highest broccoli-like plumes towered so far above her she couldn’t even fathom where they ended. Twenty-thousand feet or more, and still growing.
She landed beside him, her wings buzzing like a hummingbird’s to keep her aloft. The air was so thin, halfway up the cloud’s escarpment, that her lungs burned and the faint beginnings of a headache lurked behind her eyes. She rested a moment, to catch her breath, then stomped over to him.
“What are you doing up here?” she demanded. “Mom and dad said to stay away from the wild clouds.”
“Yeah? They told you the same thing, didn’t they?”
Alto bristled. “I’m allowed. I’m older, and I’m here to get you.”
He flicked his wing at her, tearing a tuft of the cloud away and spraying her with frigid droplets of water. She spluttered in surprise, and scowled when he laughed.
“Lighten up, Alto. You’re too serious, sometimes.”
“One of us has to be.”
He snorted, letting her know just what he thought of that, and then jumped off the edge. About a thousand feet below he landed on another massive upwelling of cloud.
Alto chased him down, banking nervously around the shifting cloud. It grew even as she watched, bulbous and unruly, like an explosion in slow motion.
She couldn’t even see the ground when she landed. The cloud stretched out before and below her for miles, while behind her it reached up for the heavens with an anvil’s flat head. It rumbled beneath her hooves with the promise of lightning.
“This isn’t safe,” she said, and she winced at how much she sounded like their mother.
“Life isn’t safe,” he shot back. “You want to push around tame little Weather Team clouds all your life? Fine. Be one of those pegasi who never flies higher than the treetops. Just get a home on the ground while you’re at it.”
Her eyes narrowed. “You take that back!”
He smirked. “Why? It’s true.” Without waiting for her reply, he turned to face the cloud. It filled three-quarters of the world, all but a faint sliver of the horizon and the blue sky above them.
“I’m going in,” he said. “All the way to its heart.”
She froze with one hoof held in the air. She’d been about to tackle him and bite his mane and yank it until he apologized, but now she was at a loss. No pegasus – no smart pegasus – would dare to fly into the center of a wild cloud.
“Cirrus…” She licked her lips and started over. “Cirrus, don’t. There could be anything in there. Sleet, thunder. Maybe even hail.”
“Yeah, maybe.” He flapped his wings a few times, settling the feathers, and gave her a grin. “Should be fun.”
“Fun? You could get killed!”
“Eh.” He stared at the cloud, as though his vision could somehow penetrate its depths. “Maybe. But life is dangerous. Besides, you’ll be with me.”
“What?” She drew back, her wings flaring at the thought. “I will not! One of us has to be sensible, and—hey, come back!”
But he was already gone. A faint swirl of cloudstuff twisted in the air where he had vanished into the monster’s depths. He could be hundreds of feet away, already.
She considered the cloud again. It was miles across, and miles high. The water within must have weighed over a billion pounds. A pegasus could get lost within, and spend hours flying in circles. And all that time, the lightning and hail and cold would compete to kill them.
She scowled again.
And she dove after him.
I may not be the most experienced at writeoffs, but I know enough to recognize these characters.
But that's where it gets interesting. If I understand the anonymity rules correctly, Cold in Gardez couldn't have written this story. Which means someone else wrote a story with his characters and in his style. Clever.
I'll have to reread this one when it comes to voting; I think I was too distracted by the above to really pay much attention to the story itself.
But that's where it gets interesting. If I understand the anonymity rules correctly, Cold in Gardez couldn't have written this story. Which means someone else wrote a story with his characters and in his style. Clever.
I'll have to reread this one when it comes to voting; I think I was too distracted by the above to really pay much attention to the story itself.
Hmm. Interesting, certainly. Excellent work establishing the magnitude and menace of the cloud. Still, I’m not sure how I feel about the ending. Never been a big fan of characters acting stupid for the hell of it, even if it’s just youthful impetuousness.
Still, personal distaste aside, this is a nicely crafted little narrative arc. Overall, fine work. It just leaves me dissatisfied at the end for reasons I can’t completely pin down.
Still, personal distaste aside, this is a nicely crafted little narrative arc. Overall, fine work. It just leaves me dissatisfied at the end for reasons I can’t completely pin down.
I really like the message in this one. Live your life to the fullest, even if that means risking it all just to live something that no one else has. Plus, relying on a pissed off sibling to catch you in case you fall is not the best thing. If you get hit and almost die, I think they'll add to your injuries because you decided to go diving into danger without even thinking about it.
But damn, well done. Narrative was perfect, the characters are engaging. I do agree with >>FanOfMostEverything, though, there's something missing with the ending. I would love to see it expanded to see what happens to these two, if you don't mind.
Masterpiece.
But damn, well done. Narrative was perfect, the characters are engaging. I do agree with >>FanOfMostEverything, though, there's something missing with the ending. I would love to see it expanded to see what happens to these two, if you don't mind.
Masterpiece.
I like the story, but I'm not sure I like the ending. The story didn't subvert any of my expectations, and at this length of fic I think you need to give us a little more insight into the main character.
Sorry, this one's pretty boring to me. With one exception: I like the idea of "wild" and "tame" clouds.
Other than that... this is just a paint by numbers story. Nothing exciting at all. No twists or turns. And the characters aren't unique enough to be interesting at all.
Maybe I could like this story if I knew who the characters were. Familiar scenarios with familiar characters who've not handled it can be fun, after all. But as these are OCs (apparently OCs from a previous story, but nonetheless OCs), it's hard to get that connection.
There's nothing wrong with it, it's just there's nothing excellent enough about it to be interesting in any way.
Verdict: Dull.
Other than that... this is just a paint by numbers story. Nothing exciting at all. No twists or turns. And the characters aren't unique enough to be interesting at all.
Maybe I could like this story if I knew who the characters were. Familiar scenarios with familiar characters who've not handled it can be fun, after all. But as these are OCs (apparently OCs from a previous story, but nonetheless OCs), it's hard to get that connection.
There's nothing wrong with it, it's just there's nothing excellent enough about it to be interesting in any way.
Verdict: Dull.
This fic sits on the fence. On the one hand, you seem to aim for meteorological accuracy in discribing cumulonimbi, but the vertical currents that blow through such a cloud are so violent and spread so far beyond the actual limit of the cloud that no winged creature could land on the cloud; so I must deduce your cloud is like the clouds we see in the show, but those ones do not need to be kilometres high for unleashing rain and thunder: you just have to jump on them many times.
The story is nice but fairly predicable and the use of OC detracts from it because we don't really care for them. Substitute Cirrus by the young Rainbow Dash, that'd make for a much stronger arc.
The story is nice but fairly predicable and the use of OC detracts from it because we don't really care for them. Substitute Cirrus by the young Rainbow Dash, that'd make for a much stronger arc.
second paragraph = good
first paragraph = missed opportunity. this is your chance to sell the reader on the OCs as individuals. doesn't have to be anything significant or fancy. even a little detail about how he's perched can establish some personality.
other than that, this was thrilling. I haven't yet experienced a fanfic (or any story, I guess) where the clouds feel so massive and dangerous, yet beautiful.
the ending.... I don't think the metaphorical ellipses works quite right. give me some danger! slap the reader in the cheek! this isn't a quiet slice of life, it deserves to end with a crack of thunder!
first paragraph = missed opportunity. this is your chance to sell the reader on the OCs as individuals. doesn't have to be anything significant or fancy. even a little detail about how he's perched can establish some personality.
other than that, this was thrilling. I haven't yet experienced a fanfic (or any story, I guess) where the clouds feel so massive and dangerous, yet beautiful.
the ending.... I don't think the metaphorical ellipses works quite right. give me some danger! slap the reader in the cheek! this isn't a quiet slice of life, it deserves to end with a crack of thunder!
Author, I was about to chastise you for the lack of a sense of urgency in your opening sentence. I want to apologise for that, because I was very wrong: that lack of fear as an initial response is a fantastic choice, and I'm going to spend a few paragraphs now defending it. I'm even going to try and defend it from >>Haze's criticism, which is entirely unrelated to the point I was going to make originally.
The first sentence is a phenomenal hook, if you ask me. It creates an image of awe-inspiring stillness—"drifting" is such a perfect choice of word, especially when reconciled with later descriptions of the size of this thing—and "perched" adds a sense of playful precariousness I admit I didn't notice on my first readthrough. I'd be tempted to suggest you open with "When Alto found Cirrus, he was..." to try to further emphasise the worried tone of Alto's implied search, but at the same time I think that additional clause would detract from the calmness that your first sentence brings.
The reason I like that calmness is that a great deal of this piece is about juxtaposition—like Haze, says:
This is something you excel at creating, author—a fantastic sense of beauty in the clouds, masking the known danger and even making the danger appear less. Another criticism I was considering levelling at this piece was that the tension at the end didn't quite seem high enough, that the stakes didn't truly feel real... but I think that was rather the whole point. You mask a lot of the danger in this piece (the initial distraction of unicorn and earth pony customs uses comedy as a mask, and right at the end the lightness of "a faint swirl of cloudstuff" masks the darker undertones of "vanished into the monster's depths) and I'd go so far as to argue that danger lurking behind a false exterior is a major theme of the piece. In some ways, if you ever extend this, I'd really like to see that explored further, and see what directions you can take it.
All that said, this piece is not faultless. I was jarred out of immersion by a very early repetition of "speck", which upset me primarily because the writing was so strong up to that point that I didn't expect it. And I'm not wholly convinced by your second-to-last paragraph: this is where I really wish there were at least more toying with the idea of danger, and of underestimating it. Simply thinking about how it could kill her doesn't quite cut it for me, and a single scowl leans a little too strongly on the showy side of things for the reader to know if this was a (mistakenly) thought-through decision, or a heat-of-the-moment reaction. Haze makes a good point about the ending: the "And" construction here seems a little too weak to use as a concluding remark.
Still, despite my relatively few qualms, this is a very strong piece. I found it mesmerisingly beautiful and thoroughly engaging. Well done, author. I liked this a lot.
The first sentence is a phenomenal hook, if you ask me. It creates an image of awe-inspiring stillness—"drifting" is such a perfect choice of word, especially when reconciled with later descriptions of the size of this thing—and "perched" adds a sense of playful precariousness I admit I didn't notice on my first readthrough. I'd be tempted to suggest you open with "When Alto found Cirrus, he was..." to try to further emphasise the worried tone of Alto's implied search, but at the same time I think that additional clause would detract from the calmness that your first sentence brings.
The reason I like that calmness is that a great deal of this piece is about juxtaposition—like Haze, says:
I haven't yet experienced a fanfic (or any story, I guess) where the clouds feel so massive and dangerous, yet beautiful.
This is something you excel at creating, author—a fantastic sense of beauty in the clouds, masking the known danger and even making the danger appear less. Another criticism I was considering levelling at this piece was that the tension at the end didn't quite seem high enough, that the stakes didn't truly feel real... but I think that was rather the whole point. You mask a lot of the danger in this piece (the initial distraction of unicorn and earth pony customs uses comedy as a mask, and right at the end the lightness of "a faint swirl of cloudstuff" masks the darker undertones of "vanished into the monster's depths) and I'd go so far as to argue that danger lurking behind a false exterior is a major theme of the piece. In some ways, if you ever extend this, I'd really like to see that explored further, and see what directions you can take it.
All that said, this piece is not faultless. I was jarred out of immersion by a very early repetition of "speck", which upset me primarily because the writing was so strong up to that point that I didn't expect it. And I'm not wholly convinced by your second-to-last paragraph: this is where I really wish there were at least more toying with the idea of danger, and of underestimating it. Simply thinking about how it could kill her doesn't quite cut it for me, and a single scowl leans a little too strongly on the showy side of things for the reader to know if this was a (mistakenly) thought-through decision, or a heat-of-the-moment reaction. Haze makes a good point about the ending: the "And" construction here seems a little too weak to use as a concluding remark.
Still, despite my relatively few qualms, this is a very strong piece. I found it mesmerisingly beautiful and thoroughly engaging. Well done, author. I liked this a lot.
The less good: Weak opening line. First few paragraphs feel kinda repetitive in the way they introduce the scene and where the characters are positioned. Doesn't feel complete as a self-contained story.
The more good: Excellent tension and strong descriptive language once it gets going.
The more good: Excellent tension and strong descriptive language once it gets going.
Two young pegasi are on a wild cloud. One of them – Cirrus – doesn’t care that it is dangerous. His sister, Alto, wants him to stop messing around with something so dangerous. But he wants to experience it from the inside.
My biggest problem here is that Cirrus just seems to be being a kind of generic bratty kid here – he wants to fly to the center of the wild storm just because. His reason seems to be pretty arbitrary, and while people do perform dangerous acts for no good reason (“Why did you climb Mount Everest?” “Because it’s there.”) it has never really been something which resounds with me. I didn’t quite get enough fear out of Alto, here, either – I’m not sure if wild storms really are dangerous, or if their danger is exaggerated. Are they dangerous like sharks, or dangerous like mosquitoes?
My biggest problem here is that Cirrus just seems to be being a kind of generic bratty kid here – he wants to fly to the center of the wild storm just because. His reason seems to be pretty arbitrary, and while people do perform dangerous acts for no good reason (“Why did you climb Mount Everest?” “Because it’s there.”) it has never really been something which resounds with me. I didn’t quite get enough fear out of Alto, here, either – I’m not sure if wild storms really are dangerous, or if their danger is exaggerated. Are they dangerous like sharks, or dangerous like mosquitoes?
I liked the descriptions here: very nice work.
The main problem I have is with the characters, and I'll side with TD here that Cirrus seems too much of an ass. Likewise, the concerned older sibling is too clichee, too. Having her not follow him to save herself and let her manipulative "I wont be alone" jerk of a brother face the consequences of his irrational actions alone (there's that figurative sense of "It's your funeral" again) would've given it a nice twist, but as it stands, the ending disappointed me.
The main problem I have is with the characters, and I'll side with TD here that Cirrus seems too much of an ass. Likewise, the concerned older sibling is too clichee, too. Having her not follow him to save herself and let her manipulative "I wont be alone" jerk of a brother face the consequences of his irrational actions alone (there's that figurative sense of "It's your funeral" again) would've given it a nice twist, but as it stands, the ending disappointed me.
As lovely as the descriptions of the massive thunderhead are, the characters really detract from the story for me. They lack depth - Cirrus is doing a dumb thing without a good reason why, and Alto is a wet blanket. They aren't given the room they need to be anything more than that, and one of the reasons why is they both repeat themselves.
Given the tight constraints in a minific round, you can't afford to waste even a single phrase like this, Writer, let alone have both of your characters be guilty of it.
If Cirrus doesn't give a damn whether he lives or dies, you need to be able to provide a reason why I should give a damn whether he lives or dies. As the story stands, Cirrus is unlikable enough that Alto can't hope to provide that reason within the word limit. If the other comments are to be believed, you may have (perhaps subconsciously) relied on previous experience with these characters to lend them some weight.
All that said, the scenery is painted beautifully enough to keep it in the top half of my slate. You have a real talent for description, Writer. Had the character interaction been of comparable quality, this would have received top marks.
Final Thought: I Do Love a Good Thunderstorm
“Lighten up, Alto. You’re too serious, sometimes.”
“One of us has to be.”
“I will not! One of us has to be sensible, and—hey, come back!”
“Life isn’t safe,” he shot back.
“Maybe. But life is dangerous.
Given the tight constraints in a minific round, you can't afford to waste even a single phrase like this, Writer, let alone have both of your characters be guilty of it.
“Fun? You could get killed!”
“Eh.”
If Cirrus doesn't give a damn whether he lives or dies, you need to be able to provide a reason why I should give a damn whether he lives or dies. As the story stands, Cirrus is unlikable enough that Alto can't hope to provide that reason within the word limit. If the other comments are to be believed, you may have (perhaps subconsciously) relied on previous experience with these characters to lend them some weight.
All that said, the scenery is painted beautifully enough to keep it in the top half of my slate. You have a real talent for description, Writer. Had the character interaction been of comparable quality, this would have received top marks.
Final Thought: I Do Love a Good Thunderstorm
Vivid imagery is always appreciated.
Unfortunately, this story doesn't have much else going for it.
Given that they're original characters in a minific, Alto and Cirrus don't have a lot of room to grow as characters. They establish who they are and stick with it. Such is the limitations of a minific.
This is compounded by the fact that their interactions go in circles. All that accomplishes is cementing what we've already learned about them.
Still, the descriptions are impressive, and I was invested enough to want to know what happens next.
Unfortunately, this story doesn't have much else going for it.
Given that they're original characters in a minific, Alto and Cirrus don't have a lot of room to grow as characters. They establish who they are and stick with it. Such is the limitations of a minific.
This is compounded by the fact that their interactions go in circles. All that accomplishes is cementing what we've already learned about them.
Still, the descriptions are impressive, and I was invested enough to want to know what happens next.
Honestly, I’m not sure that I have anything useful to say that hasn’t already been said. Like a few other reviewers, I didn’t buy Cirrus’s motivation, and I would’ve appreciated more insight into his character (I liked the suggestion someone had of replacing him with a young Rainbow Dash, seeing how the show itself has already done all the heavy lifting work establishing what she used to be like).
The main reason I’m commenting though is that I too really loved the descriptions of the clouds and such. This was a very evocative piece, and whilst I had a few issues with the character work, I nevertheless found myself completely absorbed in the writing. Good job, author!
The main reason I’m commenting though is that I too really loved the descriptions of the clouds and such. This was a very evocative piece, and whilst I had a few issues with the character work, I nevertheless found myself completely absorbed in the writing. Good job, author!