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This story is very good, but it lacks a satisfying conclusion. The ending doesn't give me much that I didn't already get from the shaming portion. It needs something more to round it out. So what's the message you want to send to the reader?
Top kek.
What do you think that big crystal castle in our town is for, a fancy dollhouse?
Top kek.
This desperately needs more. It’s a great beginning, but it’s clearly the story of how the superstrong hedgehog filly got her cutie mark… and we don’t get to see that. I’m looking forward to seeing the story get finished, but until then, it just stops in the middle of Lily’s ruminations. (Also, a timeskip to Tiara apologizing would be nice. Not necessary, but nice.)
...what?
This makes me feel just awful for the one filly, but its purpose ultimately doesn't seem to be greater than that.
On the other hoof, this could be the start of something interesting.
This makes me feel just awful for the one filly, but its purpose ultimately doesn't seem to be greater than that.
On the other hoof, this could be the start of something interesting.
Make this a longer story! This is Part 1 of like, 10. And I want the other 9. Do it do it do it do it. Let us see her realize her destiny! Go on her heroine's journey! Write more! Write more!
This was a devastating read, Writer. Watching somepony's dreams be torn apart, bit by (seemingly logical) bit is heartbreaking.
I do love the tie-in to the show itself, fleshing out a minor character in a pivotal episode. But I agree with everypony above - this is just the start of a much longer story. One I very much want to read! But it's little more than an introduction - Lily starts high and is brought low, and - well, I guess that counts as an arc, but your conclusion still leaves a lot set up without a lot of payoff, and relies a bit much on rhetorical devices.
That said, this is some of the best writing I've yet read in this competition, Writer. For that, you can expect high marks from me.
Final Thought: I Need a Hug
I do love the tie-in to the show itself, fleshing out a minor character in a pivotal episode. But I agree with everypony above - this is just the start of a much longer story. One I very much want to read! But it's little more than an introduction - Lily starts high and is brought low, and - well, I guess that counts as an arc, but your conclusion still leaves a lot set up without a lot of payoff, and relies a bit much on rhetorical devices.
That said, this is some of the best writing I've yet read in this competition, Writer. For that, you can expect high marks from me.
Final Thought: I Need a Hug
A little telly in places at the beginning, for example:
ECH.
Was nice on the whole but as the others have said, it needs more.
I, however, have a different suggestion than what they might propose. The second part? SCRAP.
It's not bad but if you wanted to keep the length short, cut that part, and add in a bit at the beginning about Lily coming up with the idea of using her strength to save Equestria.
I think going from that to seeing her dreams get crushed under Tiara's hoof would make the fic feel much more complete.
Diamond Tiara smirked at the discovery of her opponent's weak spot.
ECH.
Was nice on the whole but as the others have said, it needs more.
I, however, have a different suggestion than what they might propose. The second part? SCRAP.
It's not bad but if you wanted to keep the length short, cut that part, and add in a bit at the beginning about Lily coming up with the idea of using her strength to save Equestria.
I think going from that to seeing her dreams get crushed under Tiara's hoof would make the fic feel much more complete.
I wasn’t quite sure what was going on at first here, but it quickly became evident that this story was about the earth pony with “freakish strength”, and Diamond Tiara’s general awfulness – as well as the earth pony filly thinking about what good her strength was, and whether or not her dreams of being a hero were off.
The problem with this story is that it feels incomplete, as others have noted; this feels like the start of a piece, and the conclusion is unsatisfying, as we don’t really get anything other than an introduction here – there is no rising action, no climax, no resolution.
The problem with this story is that it feels incomplete, as others have noted; this feels like the start of a piece, and the conclusion is unsatisfying, as we don’t really get anything other than an introduction here – there is no rising action, no climax, no resolution.
The story is incomplete, and since I'm not even sure where you're trying to go with this, there's not much advice I can give. But you've got me interested; I definitely want to read the rest.
One short thing. Along with the princesses and the power ponies, I was waiting for a reference to Mare Do Well. I think that Lily trying to shadow her or possibly trying to get advice from /find more info about her would really help with whatever story you're trying to write.
One short thing. Along with the princesses and the power ponies, I was waiting for a reference to Mare Do Well. I think that Lily trying to shadow her or possibly trying to get advice from /find more info about her would really help with whatever story you're trying to write.
on Minific rounds, I've gotten pretty consistent at aiming low on wordcount. no need to edit down, I can instead use the extra space to add in flavor. however, this fic was the only one I wrote this round that actually crept over the limit. only by about 50 words, didn't eat up too much time to trim it down. but I usually take it as a sign of a story that wants to grow much bigger and not be constrained.
well, it was the first one I completed, and I was getting pretty tired, decided to go to sleep and write all my other entries in the morning. at least it was a good warmup. though now I feel really uninspired about the whole thing, it should've been much grander to express such a message. not a good candidate for a minific. but eh, it was done. might as well upload it.
honestly, I feel really guilty for putting Lily through this. it was cruel! she deserves a happier story!
I guess I don't have much to say about it. I'll salvage it for something else more interesting.
well, it was the first one I completed, and I was getting pretty tired, decided to go to sleep and write all my other entries in the morning. at least it was a good warmup. though now I feel really uninspired about the whole thing, it should've been much grander to express such a message. not a good candidate for a minific. but eh, it was done. might as well upload it.
honestly, I feel really guilty for putting Lily through this. it was cruel! she deserves a happier story!
I guess I don't have much to say about it. I'll salvage it for something else more interesting.