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Rites
“You know, Twilight has a tomb prepared for all of us,” Rainbow Dash said, suddenly.
“You’re kidding,” Applejack shot back, cocking her brow. “Seriously? Was the girl worried about us running off after our final buck.”
“Oh, don’t be so hard on her, Applejack,” Rarity said, straightening her dress. It was a subdued piece, a swirl of greys and black that flowed around her like a storm cloud. “You know how she always stressed over time.”
Applejack shrugged, her shoulders popping in protest. “Yeah, miss ‘twenty for eternity’ sure worried about time. Now don’t you look at me like that Rares, Ah know it's not that simple. Ah just it find it strange. You’d think we’d be the ones worried about the future.”
“Well, Twilight always planned ahead,” Rarity said, then sighed. “Still, I did find the idea of a tomb somewhat... disquieting let's say. It’s never wise to dwell on mortality too much after all.”
“Shoot, Ah’m more mad that she didn’t ask us first,” Applejack shot back. “Some of us already had plans.”
“Wait, hold up,” Rainbow interjected, holding up a hoof. “You’ve already got your funeral planned out? Seriously?”
“Well planned might be a strong word.” Applejack sighed. “Ah would like y'all to keep this in confidence, but we’ve got a little grove of trees down at the farm. Apple trees, of course, but they ain't for growing fruit, they’re there to remind ponies. My parents each have a tree, Granny and her husband have a pair, and one day I’ll have my own. It’s a family tradition.”
Rainbow pulled a face. “So you’re telling me you have a field full of dead ponies?”
“Rainbow!” Rarity exclaimed, muzzling the pegasus with her magic. “One does not talk that way about a pony’s traditions.”
“Yeah, my parents have a cairn on the farm,” Pinkie Pie cut in, with a wistful smile on her face. “Oh, that reminds me. It’s my mom’s birthday in two weeks, I’ve got to find her a geode for it.” She bounced on the spot, her greying mane threatening to escape the dozen pins holding it in place.
Rainbow Dash just shook her head. “Earth ponies,” she muttered. “Pegasi just get cremated. Much less risk of zombies.”
Applejack pressed a hoof against her head. “There ain’t no such thing as zombies, sugarcube.”
“Eh, after all we’ve seen I figure we’ll end up facing them sooner or later. Then you’ll be lining up for a sky burial.”
“Sky burial?”
“Yeah, everypony that knows you gets together as many thunderclouds as they can find, then they send you off with the biggest bang they can muster.” Rainbow smirked. “I reckon that they’re going to see mine in Zebradia.”
“Ooo, I’m going to have a huge party at mine funeral,” Pinkie Pie chimed in. “It’s going to have cake, and streamers and I have all the music planned out and the speakers and—”
“Pinkie, you can’t organise your own funeral!” Rainbow exclaimed.
“Says you. I’ve planned my grandfoals’ birthday parties out for the next twenty years.”
Rainbow shook her head. “What about you, Fluttershy?” She called over Pinkie’s head to where Fluttershy was hiding in a corner. “Are you going for a sky burial?”
“Umm...” Fluttershy ducked behind her mane. “Actually, I was thinking of being buried behind my cottage. I, I would like to be with my animal friends after the end.”
“Figures. Reckon anypony is actually going to end up in this tomb of Twilight’s?”
“Well, I must admit being immortalized in stone has a certain appeal,” Rarity said, tossing her head. “Though I’d prefer to be remembered for my work in fashion than for beating up a few ruffians over the years.”
“Ah-hem.” One of the many golden armour stallions cleared his throat. “Ladies, if you’re ready.”
“I suppose.” Rarity said, sighing. “Well girls, shall we?”
As a group they were lead out from the palace and out into the streets of Canterlot. Thousands of ponies waited for them there, stood in utter silence, watching with tear stained eyes as the procession formed up before them.
“So,” Rainbow murmured to Applejack. “How do you think Twilight wanted her funeral to go?”
Applejack looked out across the mourning city, at the walls that still bore the scars of yet another battle against ancient evil and the wide-eyed shock on thousand faces, and shook her head. “Ah don’t know, sugarcube.”
With a sharp cry from Luna, in full regalia, the funeral procession began.
“Not like this.”
“You’re kidding,” Applejack shot back, cocking her brow. “Seriously? Was the girl worried about us running off after our final buck.”
“Oh, don’t be so hard on her, Applejack,” Rarity said, straightening her dress. It was a subdued piece, a swirl of greys and black that flowed around her like a storm cloud. “You know how she always stressed over time.”
Applejack shrugged, her shoulders popping in protest. “Yeah, miss ‘twenty for eternity’ sure worried about time. Now don’t you look at me like that Rares, Ah know it's not that simple. Ah just it find it strange. You’d think we’d be the ones worried about the future.”
“Well, Twilight always planned ahead,” Rarity said, then sighed. “Still, I did find the idea of a tomb somewhat... disquieting let's say. It’s never wise to dwell on mortality too much after all.”
“Shoot, Ah’m more mad that she didn’t ask us first,” Applejack shot back. “Some of us already had plans.”
“Wait, hold up,” Rainbow interjected, holding up a hoof. “You’ve already got your funeral planned out? Seriously?”
“Well planned might be a strong word.” Applejack sighed. “Ah would like y'all to keep this in confidence, but we’ve got a little grove of trees down at the farm. Apple trees, of course, but they ain't for growing fruit, they’re there to remind ponies. My parents each have a tree, Granny and her husband have a pair, and one day I’ll have my own. It’s a family tradition.”
Rainbow pulled a face. “So you’re telling me you have a field full of dead ponies?”
“Rainbow!” Rarity exclaimed, muzzling the pegasus with her magic. “One does not talk that way about a pony’s traditions.”
“Yeah, my parents have a cairn on the farm,” Pinkie Pie cut in, with a wistful smile on her face. “Oh, that reminds me. It’s my mom’s birthday in two weeks, I’ve got to find her a geode for it.” She bounced on the spot, her greying mane threatening to escape the dozen pins holding it in place.
Rainbow Dash just shook her head. “Earth ponies,” she muttered. “Pegasi just get cremated. Much less risk of zombies.”
Applejack pressed a hoof against her head. “There ain’t no such thing as zombies, sugarcube.”
“Eh, after all we’ve seen I figure we’ll end up facing them sooner or later. Then you’ll be lining up for a sky burial.”
“Sky burial?”
“Yeah, everypony that knows you gets together as many thunderclouds as they can find, then they send you off with the biggest bang they can muster.” Rainbow smirked. “I reckon that they’re going to see mine in Zebradia.”
“Ooo, I’m going to have a huge party at mine funeral,” Pinkie Pie chimed in. “It’s going to have cake, and streamers and I have all the music planned out and the speakers and—”
“Pinkie, you can’t organise your own funeral!” Rainbow exclaimed.
“Says you. I’ve planned my grandfoals’ birthday parties out for the next twenty years.”
Rainbow shook her head. “What about you, Fluttershy?” She called over Pinkie’s head to where Fluttershy was hiding in a corner. “Are you going for a sky burial?”
“Umm...” Fluttershy ducked behind her mane. “Actually, I was thinking of being buried behind my cottage. I, I would like to be with my animal friends after the end.”
“Figures. Reckon anypony is actually going to end up in this tomb of Twilight’s?”
“Well, I must admit being immortalized in stone has a certain appeal,” Rarity said, tossing her head. “Though I’d prefer to be remembered for my work in fashion than for beating up a few ruffians over the years.”
“Ah-hem.” One of the many golden armour stallions cleared his throat. “Ladies, if you’re ready.”
“I suppose.” Rarity said, sighing. “Well girls, shall we?”
As a group they were lead out from the palace and out into the streets of Canterlot. Thousands of ponies waited for them there, stood in utter silence, watching with tear stained eyes as the procession formed up before them.
“So,” Rainbow murmured to Applejack. “How do you think Twilight wanted her funeral to go?”
Applejack looked out across the mourning city, at the walls that still bore the scars of yet another battle against ancient evil and the wide-eyed shock on thousand faces, and shook her head. “Ah don’t know, sugarcube.”
With a sharp cry from Luna, in full regalia, the funeral procession began.
“Not like this.”
This was great, but I saw it coming, and I think it could be improved. I think it would be better if you described the area where the girls are seated as a diversion for the reader. Maybe describe them as "waiting for Twilight to get ready". That would make the ending more impactful and help put the conversation in perspective.
Seriously, though. I like this piece so much I want to emphasize it. Like:
"As the five of them sat in the foyer waiting for Twilight to get ready (or maybe arrive)..." Now that's what I'm talkin' about! /)^3^(\
Seriously, though. I like this piece so much I want to emphasize it. Like:
"As the five of them sat in the foyer waiting for Twilight to get ready (or maybe arrive)..." Now that's what I'm talkin' about! /)^3^(\
Twilight’s friends discuss how they’d like their funerals to go at Twilight’s funeral.
Unfortunately, like Trick Question, I totally saw the twist coming from the very beginning; the irony was palpable. I think a better description of what was going on at the end (to reinforce the wrongness) – and more misdirection at the start (to make the end more jarring) – would make this story punchier.
Unfortunately, like Trick Question, I totally saw the twist coming from the very beginning; the irony was palpable. I think a better description of what was going on at the end (to reinforce the wrongness) – and more misdirection at the start (to make the end more jarring) – would make this story punchier.
A very good premise somewhat marred by the word limit. This really needs more description. The slow reveal is good, but plopping us in headfirst with Dash’s line isn’t. There are also a few flubs like it not being clear who’s wearing the grey dress. Still, this should be an easy polish job.
Also, the ending blindsided me, especially given Applejack’s “twenty for eternity” line. Excellent work there.
Also, the ending blindsided me, especially given Applejack’s “twenty for eternity” line. Excellent work there.
Well, I suspected it when the guard showed up, but considering it was at the ending I think the story did it's job quite well.
A slower reveal would probably improve it, but considering that you need to add at lest 250 words to publish it I don't see any problem there. Nice work!
A slower reveal would probably improve it, but considering that you need to add at lest 250 words to publish it I don't see any problem there. Nice work!
A lot of really good character specific details here. I’m iffy on the twist. Do you want this to be a story about Twilight’s funeral, or do you want it to be about how the Mane 6 would prefer to be remembered? As is, it’s really more of the latter, but that final makes it seem like you meant it to be the former. The twist is at odds with the rest of the fic.
Oh dang, I didn't see that coming.
Wow. That's a gut-punch!
Well done, author. Everyone sounds in-character, and the ending is perfect.
Quibble:
Quickly, summon Dr. Strangelove! :-p
Wow. That's a gut-punch!
Well done, author. Everyone sounds in-character, and the ending is perfect.
Quibble:
mine funeral
Quickly, summon Dr. Strangelove! :-p
Absolutely loved this one. I agree with the general sentiment that it could do with being a bit longer – the ending is played as a twist, but I’d already guessed what was happening by the end of the third paragraph (something about the phrasing “You know how she always stressed over time.” Past tense and such). It’s the sort of reveal that I think would be easier to control with a longer word count. Plus the thing that Trick_Question said. You should totally listen to that.
BUT! Considering you only had 750 words to play with, I can’t judge it too harshly for being the length that it is. It’s a really thoughtful little piece which kept me engaged throughout, and I’m rooting for it to do well. Which considering how many good entries there are on my slate, is saying something.
BUT! Considering you only had 750 words to play with, I can’t judge it too harshly for being the length that it is. It’s a really thoughtful little piece which kept me engaged throughout, and I’m rooting for it to do well. Which considering how many good entries there are on my slate, is saying something.
Kinda saw the ending coming but regardless, this was a nice character piece sprinkling good little details about the Mane 6 and worldbuilding throughout.
Only issue, and I guess this is what people have been saying about the word count, the twist comes a bit too suddenly. Like, I think I was meant to feel sad and shocked but I wasn't really. It just came and went.
Only issue, and I guess this is what people have been saying about the word count, the twist comes a bit too suddenly. Like, I think I was meant to feel sad and shocked but I wasn't really. It just came and went.
Unfortunately, the comments spoiled the twist before I got around to reading this one, but I'm pretty sure I would have seen it coming anyway.
It's a very good piece, and the bestcriticism nitpick I can come up with is that if all pegasi get sky burials like Rainbow is describing, the others should really be aware of it.
It's a very good piece, and the best
Applejack speaking of Twilight in the past tense is a pretty big giveaway. But that's alright with me, since I don't think the surprise is necessary; it doesn't really add anything to the story. Leaving it hinted at but ambiguous until the end works just as well.
Other than that.. I dunno, I have trouble imagining everyone acting this way under those circumstances. At least some of them seemed to be taking it far too well.
Other than that.. I dunno, I have trouble imagining everyone acting this way under those circumstances. At least some of them seemed to be taking it far too well.
I enjoyed it, but it leaves me in an odd place. Not in an uncomfortable sense, but I'm not sure how to comment.
Like several others, I managed to see the reveal coming. It makes the story a little weird, looking back. They seem pretty casual about the situation, except possibly Fluttershy.
Wouldn't they be in mourning?
I understand it's meant to be a misdirection, but it sets the wrong tone for the impact you'd be going for.
Besides that, though, I have to wonder: where are Princess Celestia and Princess Cadance?
Like several others, I managed to see the reveal coming. It makes the story a little weird, looking back. They seem pretty casual about the situation, except possibly Fluttershy.
Wouldn't they be in mourning?
I understand it's meant to be a misdirection, but it sets the wrong tone for the impact you'd be going for.
Besides that, though, I have to wonder: where are Princess Celestia and Princess Cadance?
