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The Giving Tree
The white bunny shoved the yellow pegasus awake. She got up, her neck craned toward the fluffy individual. Her eyes fluttered as a response.
“Yes, Angel Bunny?” Fluttershy spoke.
The ball of white fur pointed toward the dirt road down the grassy hill. Three ponies talked amongst themselves as they frequently glanced in their direction.
Fluttershy stood. She left the bunny and carried herself as she flew toward the group.
"—and because of that," Fluttershy entered earshot, "we need to tear it down!"
"Um, what exactly are you going to tear down?" said Fluttershy.
The pony in front turned. His business suit's badge glared into the eyes of the hovering pegasus.
"Director Shine of the National Wildlife Committee," he greeted as the pegasus took land. "We are here today to retrieve something that you possess. You're Miss Shy, am I correct?"
"Yes," Fluttershy's gaze met his. "What are you retrieving?"
Director Shine pointed up the hill past Fluttershy. "That tree," he stated.
"The tree?"
Fluttershy looked to the hill. Leaves of pink and velvet surrounded the apples that had hung from the branches. If it certainly was something to be after, Fluttershy saw that. It erected itself like a sore thumb in front of the Everfree forest.
"See, Miss Shy, that is a rare tree. One of a kind. You can't find it anyplace else here in Equestria. As part of the Committee for National Wildlife, we must relocate it in order to ensure that it doesn't forsee extinction."
"And where will you be taking it?" Fluttershy questioned.
"Someplace to one of our national reserves where it will be protected. You don't have a problem with that, do you?"
"No, not at all. Go right on ahead."
Director Shine's neck turned as he faced the two earth ponies wearing construction outfits behind him. "Alright, boys!" he yelled. "Tear it down!"
The two earth ponies advanced up the hill. Both of their muzzles gripped gleamingly sharpened axes.
Without a moment wasted, a bear raced up to the tree from the cottage. With a growl from the grizzly, the two stopped their advancement. A fluffy white Angel Bunny stood confidently on the back of the grizzly as he directed the bear.
"Are they yours?" the director turned to Fluttershy.
She didn't respond. Instead, Fluttershy glowered at him.
"What?" he asked.
"Relocate the tree to a wildlife reserve you said? Then why did you order them to cut it down?" Fluttershy exclaimed.
He chuckled. "Miss Shy, you do need to understand that I am a very busy pony. I can't dig it up. That's time I don't have! By cutting it down, I can make my next meeting."
Fluttershy's expression stayed unchanged.
"So," he continued. "Are you going to allow me to continue?"
Fluttershy glanced over to the duo who continued to protect the tree.
"I'm sorry," she stated, "but this is something that I can't allow."
A bewildered look escaped from the stallion's face. "Huh?"
"Miss Shy, you do realize that we are a government agency. You can not deny this from us."
"If you were from a real government agency, Director Shine, then you would take the seeds. Not the entire tree. You especially wouldn't kill the tree. You would know this if you were part of the National Wildlife Committee."
"Look, Shy," his expression dropped. "Are you going to allow me to take the tree or not? It's not like you have a choice in this matter."
Fluttershy remained unmoved.
"Alrighty then," he said as he turned. "Boys—What the hay?"
Angel Bunny perched himself on top of the grizzly's shoulder. In the grip of the grizzly were the two earth ponies without their axes.
"I'm sorry, Director Shine, but you have to leave."
"What?!" he exclaimed.
"While this tree is on my property," Fluttershy stated, "it belongs to me."
"I will bring you to a higher authority, Miss Shy! If you don't let me—"
"Boss, let's just go," one of the earth ponies said. "They aren't buying it."
Director Shine scoffed. He turned and motioned to his companions to walk away beside him.
Fluttershy went back, she sat at the base of the tree to sleep but was interrupted by a falling object.
"Ow!" Fluttershy reacted after it hit her head.
It was an apple. She glanced up at the tree. She expected more to drop, but all was silent. She took a bite out the apple as she nuzzled herself back to slumber.
“Yes, Angel Bunny?” Fluttershy spoke.
The ball of white fur pointed toward the dirt road down the grassy hill. Three ponies talked amongst themselves as they frequently glanced in their direction.
Fluttershy stood. She left the bunny and carried herself as she flew toward the group.
"—and because of that," Fluttershy entered earshot, "we need to tear it down!"
"Um, what exactly are you going to tear down?" said Fluttershy.
The pony in front turned. His business suit's badge glared into the eyes of the hovering pegasus.
"Director Shine of the National Wildlife Committee," he greeted as the pegasus took land. "We are here today to retrieve something that you possess. You're Miss Shy, am I correct?"
"Yes," Fluttershy's gaze met his. "What are you retrieving?"
Director Shine pointed up the hill past Fluttershy. "That tree," he stated.
"The tree?"
Fluttershy looked to the hill. Leaves of pink and velvet surrounded the apples that had hung from the branches. If it certainly was something to be after, Fluttershy saw that. It erected itself like a sore thumb in front of the Everfree forest.
"See, Miss Shy, that is a rare tree. One of a kind. You can't find it anyplace else here in Equestria. As part of the Committee for National Wildlife, we must relocate it in order to ensure that it doesn't forsee extinction."
"And where will you be taking it?" Fluttershy questioned.
"Someplace to one of our national reserves where it will be protected. You don't have a problem with that, do you?"
"No, not at all. Go right on ahead."
Director Shine's neck turned as he faced the two earth ponies wearing construction outfits behind him. "Alright, boys!" he yelled. "Tear it down!"
The two earth ponies advanced up the hill. Both of their muzzles gripped gleamingly sharpened axes.
Without a moment wasted, a bear raced up to the tree from the cottage. With a growl from the grizzly, the two stopped their advancement. A fluffy white Angel Bunny stood confidently on the back of the grizzly as he directed the bear.
"Are they yours?" the director turned to Fluttershy.
She didn't respond. Instead, Fluttershy glowered at him.
"What?" he asked.
"Relocate the tree to a wildlife reserve you said? Then why did you order them to cut it down?" Fluttershy exclaimed.
He chuckled. "Miss Shy, you do need to understand that I am a very busy pony. I can't dig it up. That's time I don't have! By cutting it down, I can make my next meeting."
Fluttershy's expression stayed unchanged.
"So," he continued. "Are you going to allow me to continue?"
Fluttershy glanced over to the duo who continued to protect the tree.
"I'm sorry," she stated, "but this is something that I can't allow."
A bewildered look escaped from the stallion's face. "Huh?"
"Miss Shy, you do realize that we are a government agency. You can not deny this from us."
"If you were from a real government agency, Director Shine, then you would take the seeds. Not the entire tree. You especially wouldn't kill the tree. You would know this if you were part of the National Wildlife Committee."
"Look, Shy," his expression dropped. "Are you going to allow me to take the tree or not? It's not like you have a choice in this matter."
Fluttershy remained unmoved.
"Alrighty then," he said as he turned. "Boys—What the hay?"
Angel Bunny perched himself on top of the grizzly's shoulder. In the grip of the grizzly were the two earth ponies without their axes.
"I'm sorry, Director Shine, but you have to leave."
"What?!" he exclaimed.
"While this tree is on my property," Fluttershy stated, "it belongs to me."
"I will bring you to a higher authority, Miss Shy! If you don't let me—"
"Boss, let's just go," one of the earth ponies said. "They aren't buying it."
Director Shine scoffed. He turned and motioned to his companions to walk away beside him.
Fluttershy went back, she sat at the base of the tree to sleep but was interrupted by a falling object.
"Ow!" Fluttershy reacted after it hit her head.
It was an apple. She glanced up at the tree. She expected more to drop, but all was silent. She took a bite out the apple as she nuzzled herself back to slumber.
The opening paragraph left me a bit perplexed, but then it may simply be that it tried a certain style I'm not familiar with.
Here we have a simple scene, which feels a bit context-less. Things happen and then nothing much changes. The conflict is almost non-existing and we don't learn much about any of the characters involved. This was my impression missing the reading key.
After briefly googling the book of the same title it dawned on me that this seems to be a bit of a subversion of it, which I suppose is fine. It gives us a bit more context, it explains a bit Fluttershy's role, it give it a bit more substance.
Still, it didn't leave me much else, probably because I'm disconnected from a part of the source material. Long story short, I'm probably not the right audience here.
Here we have a simple scene, which feels a bit context-less. Things happen and then nothing much changes. The conflict is almost non-existing and we don't learn much about any of the characters involved. This was my impression missing the reading key.
After briefly googling the book of the same title it dawned on me that this seems to be a bit of a subversion of it, which I suppose is fine. It gives us a bit more context, it explains a bit Fluttershy's role, it give it a bit more substance.
Still, it didn't leave me much else, probably because I'm disconnected from a part of the source material. Long story short, I'm probably not the right audience here.
I'm left wondering who those ponies were, not to mention why they bothered with a shallow ruse when they planned to destroy the tree by force. The ruse didn't make any sense and we never figured out what was going on. I'm also not sure why the tree is an eyesore: it sounded pretty. Also, how could it be special or have pink leaves when it's just a regular apple tree?
You've got Lavender Unicorn Syndrome pretty bad at the start: "the white bunny" becomes "the fluffy individual" becomes "Angel Bunny" becomes "the ball of white fur" becomes "the bunny". Similarly, there's no need to refer to Fluttershy as "the yellow pegasus" unless it's adding something.
Fluttershy doesn't fly in public, especially not when speaking to other ponies. Her legs should be on the ground.
I don't think you mean "had", because the apples are still on the tree. Try "were hanging".
You've got Lavender Unicorn Syndrome pretty bad at the start: "the white bunny" becomes "the fluffy individual" becomes "Angel Bunny" becomes "the ball of white fur" becomes "the bunny". Similarly, there's no need to refer to Fluttershy as "the yellow pegasus" unless it's adding something.
Fluttershy doesn't fly in public, especially not when speaking to other ponies. Her legs should be on the ground.
Leaves of pink and velvet surrounded the apples that had hung from the branches.
I don't think you mean "had", because the apples are still on the tree. Try "were hanging".
While I get the allusion to the Giving Tree, I’m not really sure what the motive of the ponies involved is in trying to cut it down; it just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, and the story, thus, feels like it is without real context.
The start also is quite awkward; “the white bunny” and “the yellow pegasus” are pointless LUS’s when they could just use the characters’ names. There’s no reason to describe them as the white bunny and the yellow pegasus here.
The start also is quite awkward; “the white bunny” and “the yellow pegasus” are pointless LUS’s when they could just use the characters’ names. There’s no reason to describe them as the white bunny and the yellow pegasus here.
Wow. That is one acute case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome in the first paragraph.
Um… huh. That was kind of pointless. Why were those ponies actually doing this? Did they seriously think this plan would work? Even before the bear got involved, chopping down the rare tree was going to look suspicious. Sorry, but with villains this stupid, I just couldn’t get engaged. I suppose this might work better if I were more familiar with the book, but as is, you lost me.
"—and because of that," Fluttershy entered earshot, "we need to tear it down!”By making that a single sentence, you make it sound like Fluttershy says that as she enters the conversation.
Um… huh. That was kind of pointless. Why were those ponies actually doing this? Did they seriously think this plan would work? Even before the bear got involved, chopping down the rare tree was going to look suspicious. Sorry, but with villains this stupid, I just couldn’t get engaged. I suppose this might work better if I were more familiar with the book, but as is, you lost me.
I didn't see much of The Giving Tree in this one...
Going in, I was half-expecting to see Fluttershy being painted as the Giving Tree to Angel, because of everything she did for him. I don't have a whole lot to say about this, except that other people have covered the LUS, and that the conclusion lacks some emotional oomph or meaningful interpretation in my eyes.
Going in, I was half-expecting to see Fluttershy being painted as the Giving Tree to Angel, because of everything she did for him. I don't have a whole lot to say about this, except that other people have covered the LUS, and that the conclusion lacks some emotional oomph or meaningful interpretation in my eyes.
Hmm. Others have noticed the hardcore LUS going on here, but I might go out on a limb and speculate that it could be intentional. It kinda sets a dreamlike mood, which the rest of the piece seems to follow.
I'm not sure that the story's payoff quite matches that mood, though. Ultimately they're... what, con artists? And her accomplishment was not falling for it? (Desperately longing for the :yay: emoticon right now)
I think I don't get some of the point here. As this is a frequent occurrence for me, I'm usually inclined to think it's me rather than the story. In this case, though, I might ask the author to provide a bit more clarity when this goes to draft #2. I do think draft #2 could be worthwhile, in part because of the mood that the piece sets toward the beginning.
I'm not sure that the story's payoff quite matches that mood, though. Ultimately they're... what, con artists? And her accomplishment was not falling for it? (Desperately longing for the :yay: emoticon right now)
I think I don't get some of the point here. As this is a frequent occurrence for me, I'm usually inclined to think it's me rather than the story. In this case, though, I might ask the author to provide a bit more clarity when this goes to draft #2. I do think draft #2 could be worthwhile, in part because of the mood that the piece sets toward the beginning.
It's a Fluttershy story.
I despise Fluttershy.
So I can't really comment without much bias clouding me, unfortunately. That said! ... this is probably one of the most show-tone fics I've read in this contest so far and I'm a big fan of those types of stories, so props on that.
I despise Fluttershy.
So I can't really comment without much bias clouding me, unfortunately. That said! ... this is probably one of the most show-tone fics I've read in this contest so far and I'm a big fan of those types of stories, so props on that.
I don't feel that I have much of value to add to previous reviews. Never learning the motive of the villains and Fluttershy being backed by a grizzly as soon as their malicious intention became clear kinda took out most of the tension. Pacing got a bit slow at the climax. I don't the the significance of the tree, either.
Also, some writing mishaps.
This one especially made me wonder what kind of small animal or insect this 'bewildered look' is that hopped from the stallion's face.
Also, some writing mishaps.
A bewildered look escaped from the stallion's face. "Huh?"
This one especially made me wonder what kind of small animal or insect this 'bewildered look' is that hopped from the stallion's face.
>>Orbiting_kettle >>Trick_Question >>TitaniumDragon >>FanOfMostEverything >>Not_A_Hat >>CoffeeMinion >>wYvern
Heh, I didn't think anyone would predict it. You're right, CoffeeMinion. That bad case of LUS was actually intentional. And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids and your stupid dog. Minus the dog.
>>JaketheGinger
You despise Fluttershy? I didn't think that was possible for anyone to do.
Anyways, thanks for the reviews everyone.
Heh, I didn't think anyone would predict it. You're right, CoffeeMinion. That bad case of LUS was actually intentional. And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids and your stupid dog. Minus the dog.
>>JaketheGinger
You despise Fluttershy? I didn't think that was possible for anyone to do.
Anyways, thanks for the reviews everyone.