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Mt. Saint Sparkle
It wasn't what happened that was wrong.
No, what happened after good ole Twilight Sparkle'sreign of terror baking mishaps at Sugarcube Corner was what was wrong. It was not enough to rain on the warrior-bred dragon's parade with molten bread and beginner's anguish. She had to farther than that. Thank heavens she didn't decide to blow up the ovens with her proposed "science experiment". She just wanted to show us (Pinkie and I) how sodium whatever can actually raise bread, when it was obvious we knew that already. What we didn't know was that Twilight could actually render bread as volcanic with a bit too much sodium. We decided to call her monstrosity "Mt. Saint Sparkle", a near perfect replica of a mountain that rose to the skies once, but exploded the next.
But that's okay. After several shouts of "No," and "Wait, Twilight, don't add too much," before getting cut off by either an explosion of bread or whatever contents was in the bread itself (jelly was most common), Pinkie and I came to the conclusion that this pony was never to cook again. Ever. And I'll make sure of it. Locking all of the kitchen doors…
Anyway, the mess was not a problem. Pinkie and I were able to clean up the bread-splosion with ease (ten minutes flat), but she decided that to make amends…
Well…
"I'm so so sorry, Pinkie! I didn't mean to paint your house with bread! I just—"
Pinkie Pie patted Twilight Bread Sparkle on the head and gave her a reassuring smile.
"Don't worry, silly! We cleaned it all up with my new Cleaning Swoofer 2000! I made it out of a rake, plastic bags, and mop ends! Isn't it cute?"
The thing did not look cute at all. It was a brown furball (might've been a blue wig before the cleaning) with a once candy-cane colored rod (also brown now). I could of called it a broom with someone's afro instead of an actual broom end, but that would be slightly offensive.
"It's… great, Pinkie!"
Twilight was too nice for her own good.
"I'm so glad you like it!" Pinkie replied happily. She began to turn around, her gaze set on a new goal. "Now, let's go—"
"Wait!"
Pinkie stopped in her tracks and looked back at Twilight. "What is it, Twilight?"
Twilight's eyes were as wide as saucers. "Don't I have to make amends?"
"Amends? What for?"
Twilight pointed her right hoof at the… ovens. "For the mess!"
Pinkie raised a brow at her friend. "Twilight, silly, you don—"
"But that makes me a bad friend for not doing anything to help!" Twilight said frantically, her upper lip quivering as she spoke. "I don't want either of you to see me as a bad pony!"
In my mind, I'm eye-rolling and throwing non-answers at her with literal and figurative senses of the words. Yet in reality, where everything doesn't sparkle with adjectives and gems, I just stared quietly, patiently waiting for the next disaster. I needed to prepare to dodge whatever she was going to throw at me.
Y'know, to cover my tail?
And that's when it happened.
"Look, I'll be right back, Pinkie! Just wait a second! Just gotta get something from hom—"
The dang alicorn thought she teleported home alone.
No, she didn't teleport.
She traversed through time and took me with her.
Now, in this place that looks like home, I have two Twilight Sparkles reigning havoc on the world.
What the f—
"Spike! I need you upstairs!"
"But I need him downstairs, Twilight #1!"
"Why in Celestia's sun do you need him downstairs, Twilight #2?"
"Because I need him to ensure that my dinner doesn't explode!"
"But I need him because my Spike is still in Mt. Saint Sparkle and won't come help me organize my five thousand volumes of Star Swirl the Bearded's Theories of Magical Relativity! He hasn't responded to any of my letters!"
"That's a real mountain?"
"Yeah! I had another bread accident that decided to become the size of a mountain! It's pretty hard to climb on though, since it stinks and is full of mold."
"Yikes, talk about science experiments…"
"Yeah…"
The two shared a giggle.
"Hey uh… Spike? Why are your cheeks red?" asked my Twilight (#2).
"And why does your eyes look like they’re burning?" observed Twilight #1.
"And why is your tail twitching?"
"And why are you—"
I screamed.
Bury me in gems, not bread.
No, what happened after good ole Twilight Sparkle's
But that's okay. After several shouts of "No," and "Wait, Twilight, don't add too much," before getting cut off by either an explosion of bread or whatever contents was in the bread itself (jelly was most common), Pinkie and I came to the conclusion that this pony was never to cook again. Ever. And I'll make sure of it. Locking all of the kitchen doors…
Anyway, the mess was not a problem. Pinkie and I were able to clean up the bread-splosion with ease (ten minutes flat), but she decided that to make amends…
Well…
"I'm so so sorry, Pinkie! I didn't mean to paint your house with bread! I just—"
Pinkie Pie patted Twilight Bread Sparkle on the head and gave her a reassuring smile.
"Don't worry, silly! We cleaned it all up with my new Cleaning Swoofer 2000! I made it out of a rake, plastic bags, and mop ends! Isn't it cute?"
The thing did not look cute at all. It was a brown furball (might've been a blue wig before the cleaning) with a once candy-cane colored rod (also brown now). I could of called it a broom with someone's afro instead of an actual broom end, but that would be slightly offensive.
"It's… great, Pinkie!"
Twilight was too nice for her own good.
"I'm so glad you like it!" Pinkie replied happily. She began to turn around, her gaze set on a new goal. "Now, let's go—"
"Wait!"
Pinkie stopped in her tracks and looked back at Twilight. "What is it, Twilight?"
Twilight's eyes were as wide as saucers. "Don't I have to make amends?"
"Amends? What for?"
Twilight pointed her right hoof at the… ovens. "For the mess!"
Pinkie raised a brow at her friend. "Twilight, silly, you don—"
"But that makes me a bad friend for not doing anything to help!" Twilight said frantically, her upper lip quivering as she spoke. "I don't want either of you to see me as a bad pony!"
In my mind, I'm eye-rolling and throwing non-answers at her with literal and figurative senses of the words. Yet in reality, where everything doesn't sparkle with adjectives and gems, I just stared quietly, patiently waiting for the next disaster. I needed to prepare to dodge whatever she was going to throw at me.
Y'know, to cover my tail?
And that's when it happened.
"Look, I'll be right back, Pinkie! Just wait a second! Just gotta get something from hom—"
The dang alicorn thought she teleported home alone.
No, she didn't teleport.
She traversed through time and took me with her.
Now, in this place that looks like home, I have two Twilight Sparkles reigning havoc on the world.
What the f—
"Spike! I need you upstairs!"
"But I need him downstairs, Twilight #1!"
"Why in Celestia's sun do you need him downstairs, Twilight #2?"
"Because I need him to ensure that my dinner doesn't explode!"
"But I need him because my Spike is still in Mt. Saint Sparkle and won't come help me organize my five thousand volumes of Star Swirl the Bearded's Theories of Magical Relativity! He hasn't responded to any of my letters!"
"That's a real mountain?"
"Yeah! I had another bread accident that decided to become the size of a mountain! It's pretty hard to climb on though, since it stinks and is full of mold."
"Yikes, talk about science experiments…"
"Yeah…"
The two shared a giggle.
"Hey uh… Spike? Why are your cheeks red?" asked my Twilight (#2).
"And why does your eyes look like they’re burning?" observed Twilight #1.
"And why is your tail twitching?"
"And why are you—"
I screamed.
Bury me in gems, not bread.
Okay, the abbreviations in the title just feel weird. I’m used to seeing it the other way around with Mount St. Helens.
There are a lot of dropped words and warped phrases in just the second paragraph. “She had to farther than that,” incorrect I/me distinction, a simile without an actual comparison (bread as volcanic as what?), and the awkward ending phrase of the last sentence that’s looking for an absent “day.”
Wow. Tense shifts, further warped language, a truly inexplicable spell mishap, and a general descent into incoherence. This desperately needs proofreading and editing. There is an amusing idea in there, but it’s going to take a lot of work to dig it out.
There are a lot of dropped words and warped phrases in just the second paragraph. “She had to farther than that,” incorrect I/me distinction, a simile without an actual comparison (bread as volcanic as what?), and the awkward ending phrase of the last sentence that’s looking for an absent “day.”
Wow. Tense shifts, further warped language, a truly inexplicable spell mishap, and a general descent into incoherence. This desperately needs proofreading and editing. There is an amusing idea in there, but it’s going to take a lot of work to dig it out.
This is a slew of very interesting and unique ideas, but it all comes so quickly and randomly it's hard to make sense of what is happening and why. I'm clearly not a fan of the [Random] tag. Actions need justification even in the most Python-esque comedy, or else the reader loses interest: when anything can happen, there's no suspense or motive for the reader to try to make sense of things. Characters need to stay in-character, they need motivations, and explanations need to be provided for events.
Why did Twilight want to bake in the first place? And why did she do it a second time? How did she accidentally timeport instead of teleport? It sounds like Spike is realizing things immediately after the timeport, but then how can Twilight immediately coordinate with herself if it was an accident? Why was she doing such disparate tasks? Why would Spike still be in the mountain? Why is Spike bothered by helping two Twilights when he's just doing the same tasks and isn't described as being harried by going back and forth (the Twilights are negotiating him, not abusing him)? Why did Pinkie make a bizarre cleaning apparatus, and how was it any different than a broom? Is Spike upset because he'll become the other Spike and be trapped in the mountain at some point? If the mess was as gigantic as advertised, why would you contradict this by having it cleaned up in an hour?
I fear I can identify with Spike's frustration.
Why did Twilight want to bake in the first place? And why did she do it a second time? How did she accidentally timeport instead of teleport? It sounds like Spike is realizing things immediately after the timeport, but then how can Twilight immediately coordinate with herself if it was an accident? Why was she doing such disparate tasks? Why would Spike still be in the mountain? Why is Spike bothered by helping two Twilights when he's just doing the same tasks and isn't described as being harried by going back and forth (the Twilights are negotiating him, not abusing him)? Why did Pinkie make a bizarre cleaning apparatus, and how was it any different than a broom? Is Spike upset because he'll become the other Spike and be trapped in the mountain at some point? If the mess was as gigantic as advertised, why would you contradict this by having it cleaned up in an hour?
I fear I can identify with Spike's frustration.
(Reviewing the other story with only 1 comment so far.)
Agreed with >>FanOfMostEverything, this one (ironically) needs further baking.
I slammed into a wall in the first few sentences trying to figure out the narrator's identity, and I never figured it out until 2/3 of the way through when I read "Spike! I need you upstairs!" The major offenders in misleading me: The narration refers to Twilight as "good ole Twilight Sparkle", and the only characters whose accents are consistently represented phonetically are the Apples, but "It wasn't what happened that was wrong." does not at all sound like an Apple line. And then we have "It was not enough to rain on the warrior-bred dragon's parade", which refers to Spike in fancy descriptive third person, which is generally a strong signal that that person's not the narrator (unless it's Trixie). Later on the narrator describes cleaning the kitchen in "ten minutes flat", and then there's a gemstone reference that might have come from Rarity, so the narrator is pretty much flipping back and forth between cues that signal ALL of the Mane Six.
There are two problems with that. The easy one is fixable with just a few words (working Spike's name into early exposition or describing him tapping his claws, or just flat-out identifying himself). The harder one is going to require much more rigorous editing — because even if we know for certain the narrator is Spike, he still sounds like half the Mane Six at some point, and if you're telling a story from Spike's point of view, it should sound more consistently like Spike.
>>Trick_Question
For me, randomness in a story isn't an automatic deal-breaker. The digression into the mop, for example, almost worked — it's exactly the sort of out-of-nowhere gag that goes along with Pinkie Pie, and can inject solid characterization of her. But, again, it comes down to consistency in the details. Spike's afro reference goes from an arguable fourth-wall break to a definite one when you mention the potential offensiveness, and that draws a lot of attention away from the Pinkie aspect of it into … well, another head-scratcher about the narrator's voice.
Author, I hope you're willing to sit down with this and edit it some more, because I agree with FOME that there is potential here that needs polishing. I think it will be really instructive to simply make one change: go through the story line by line, and ask yourself with every single sentence, "Is this how Spike would narrate the scene?" Change nothing else about the story except for putting it into a stronger Spike voice (if you don't have a good one in your headcanon, The Descendant is a good starting point), and see just how dramatically that changes this. That's not the only problem here, but that's a good one to start on, and it'll help you draw out your cool ideas with the brilliant polish they deserve.
Tier: Needs Work
Agreed with >>FanOfMostEverything, this one (ironically) needs further baking.
I slammed into a wall in the first few sentences trying to figure out the narrator's identity, and I never figured it out until 2/3 of the way through when I read "Spike! I need you upstairs!" The major offenders in misleading me: The narration refers to Twilight as "good ole Twilight Sparkle", and the only characters whose accents are consistently represented phonetically are the Apples, but "It wasn't what happened that was wrong." does not at all sound like an Apple line. And then we have "It was not enough to rain on the warrior-bred dragon's parade", which refers to Spike in fancy descriptive third person, which is generally a strong signal that that person's not the narrator (unless it's Trixie). Later on the narrator describes cleaning the kitchen in "ten minutes flat", and then there's a gemstone reference that might have come from Rarity, so the narrator is pretty much flipping back and forth between cues that signal ALL of the Mane Six.
There are two problems with that. The easy one is fixable with just a few words (working Spike's name into early exposition or describing him tapping his claws, or just flat-out identifying himself). The harder one is going to require much more rigorous editing — because even if we know for certain the narrator is Spike, he still sounds like half the Mane Six at some point, and if you're telling a story from Spike's point of view, it should sound more consistently like Spike.
>>Trick_Question
For me, randomness in a story isn't an automatic deal-breaker. The digression into the mop, for example, almost worked — it's exactly the sort of out-of-nowhere gag that goes along with Pinkie Pie, and can inject solid characterization of her. But, again, it comes down to consistency in the details. Spike's afro reference goes from an arguable fourth-wall break to a definite one when you mention the potential offensiveness, and that draws a lot of attention away from the Pinkie aspect of it into … well, another head-scratcher about the narrator's voice.
Author, I hope you're willing to sit down with this and edit it some more, because I agree with FOME that there is potential here that needs polishing. I think it will be really instructive to simply make one change: go through the story line by line, and ask yourself with every single sentence, "Is this how Spike would narrate the scene?" Change nothing else about the story except for putting it into a stronger Spike voice (if you don't have a good one in your headcanon, The Descendant is a good starting point), and see just how dramatically that changes this. That's not the only problem here, but that's a good one to start on, and it'll help you draw out your cool ideas with the brilliant polish they deserve.
Tier: Needs Work
>>horizon
I'm only saying the thing about [Random] because I haven't yet found a story like that which I could tolerate, so I feel the need to disclaim that this might not be something I can appreciate.
My impression of stories with that tag is that they're like an R-rated episode of AoStH or The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, deriving humor only from the fact that the characters are stupid and unrealistic. I've never enjoyed that vein of comedy (and to be honest I've never seen it aimed at adults, ever: not in movies or television, though maybe in bad fiction).
I'm only saying the thing about [Random] because I haven't yet found a story like that which I could tolerate, so I feel the need to disclaim that this might not be something I can appreciate.
My impression of stories with that tag is that they're like an R-rated episode of AoStH or The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, deriving humor only from the fact that the characters are stupid and unrealistic. I've never enjoyed that vein of comedy (and to be honest I've never seen it aimed at adults, ever: not in movies or television, though maybe in bad fiction).
>>Trick_Question
You tempt me greatly to drop a link to a random thing I wrote that I think would exceed your expectations.
But I wouldn't, because that would just be crassly self-serving. After all, I have a reputation to maintain. :-P
You tempt me greatly to drop a link to a random thing I wrote that I think would exceed your expectations.
But I wouldn't, because that would just be crassly self-serving. After all, I have a reputation to maintain. :-P
>>CoffeeMinion
Into the Read It Never pile it goes! :facehoof:
I have to figure out a way to read fiction that doesn't involve this Writeoff. I really, really, really do.
Into the Read It Never pile it goes! :facehoof:
I have to figure out a way to read fiction that doesn't involve this Writeoff. I really, really, really do.
That... that was a thing, I guess?
I dunno. The biggest problem I have with this story is that I didn't find it very funny or understandable. If you're going for humor/random, I don't think I can help you with that. Horizon covered most of the problems here, I'd say. Clarity on who's talking would help a lot. After that, clarity on the ending would cut back on some of the 'wat', possibly? If this is going for ridiculous instead of random, it needs more rationalization to act as a foundation. And if it's going for pure random... perhaps more comedy would help keep it from feeling quite so discombobulating?
I dunno. The biggest problem I have with this story is that I didn't find it very funny or understandable. If you're going for humor/random, I don't think I can help you with that. Horizon covered most of the problems here, I'd say. Clarity on who's talking would help a lot. After that, clarity on the ending would cut back on some of the 'wat', possibly? If this is going for ridiculous instead of random, it needs more rationalization to act as a foundation. And if it's going for pure random... perhaps more comedy would help keep it from feeling quite so discombobulating?
Biggest problem here is a lack of coherence on who exactly the narrator is. I know now it's Spike but I only gathered that by the end of the fic, making the rest of it wholly confusing to read. At one point I thought Gummy may have been narrating, since we were in Sugarcube Corner and nobody had spoken to him directly.
Then the fic just kinda changes ideas from a baking mishap to time travel.
'kaaaaaay.
That's way too big in scale for a 750 word minific. It's basically two ideas. Definitely possible for a short story but this is a minific. Ya gotta be extremely selective in these.
Then the fic just kinda changes ideas from a baking mishap to time travel.
'kaaaaaay.
That's way too big in scale for a 750 word minific. It's basically two ideas. Definitely possible for a short story but this is a minific. Ya gotta be extremely selective in these.
I have little to add to the previous reviews, other than that I think the story needs more focus in terms of "when are things happening in relation to when things are reported." The first part of the story before "Well..." actually felt like some sort of diary entry to me, which then abruptly erupted into an actual scene.
Somehow, I had no doubt in my mind Spike was the narrator from the moment on he said (Pinkie and I). I don't know why. Maybe because no other character would call something Twilight did a 'reign of terror', or because no other pony would take part in baking-oriented science experiments.
Somehow, I had no doubt in my mind Spike was the narrator from the moment on he said (Pinkie and I). I don't know why. Maybe because no other character would call something Twilight did a 'reign of terror', or because no other pony would take part in baking-oriented science experiments.
I fear this one goes in my "wat" pile. The opening seemed to tell a story about telling a story, which is dangerous ground at the best of times; but then we got pulled into the story already in progress, and then... surprise time travel happened because reasons?
All that aside, I do really like the moments where our narrator mentions having gems on it in his mind. It feels like a subtle but strong way to characterize the way he might think about the world.
All that aside, I do really like the moments where our narrator mentions having gems on it in his mind. It feels like a subtle but strong way to characterize the way he might think about the world.