Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
The Rainbow Beat
Sunset did not consider herself a morning person. She’d tried back when she lived with a pony that was by definition up with the dawn, but alas for the maid staff, the guard, and that one pegasus who’d set off a lightning bolt by her bedside, Sunset always woke up, grumpy, bleary eyed and in a blind rage. She went through a lot of alarm clocks.
That morning was no different. The sun was just daring to poke through the curtains when a sudden rapping echoed through Sunset’s studio apartment. With a groan she rolled over in bed, dragging the sheets over her head.
“Come on Sunset, I know you’re in there.” Rainbow’s voice cut through the cocoon of warmth. “I need to talk to you.”
“Go away.” Sunset growled, burying herself deeper.
“Yeah, I totally can’t hear you. I’m going to keep knocking until you answer.” She broke into a percussive version of ‘Awesome as I Wanna’ Be’.
Sunset mused for a moment on whether she could get away with murder by claiming diplomatic immunity. Muttering to herself she slid out from under the bedspread, like a butterfly from a chrysalis of warmth. With a silent promise to return, she dragged herself to the front door.
“What?” she demanded, throwing the door open, only to find herself glowering into an empty corridor.
“Behind you dingus.”
Sunset whirled and did a double take. Rainbow Dash rested her elbows on Sunset’s windowsill, drumming her fingers against the glass. She wore her athletic kit, with a duffel bag over her shoulder and a pair of headphones on her head.
“Rainbow, what are you doing?” she exclaimed, hurrying over to the window.
“Dude, headphones,” Rainbow called out, tapping them. “Open the window I need to talk to you.”
Sunset rolled her eyes but obeyed. The blast of cold air sent shivers down her spine and she rubbed her arms beneath her pyjamas. “Urgh, Rainbow it’s like six in the morning.” She shot a hateful glare at the sun peaking over the horizon. “Unless someone is on fire, dead, or fallen into another reality can’t it wait until morning?”
“It is morning,” Rainbow protested. “Look, I need to be at hockey practice in, like, five minutes. Do ponies fly?”
A groan escaped Sunset. “You woke me up at the crack of dawn to ask me that? Yes ponies fly. Heck you grow wings when you ‘pony up’ and fly about, unless you hadn’t noticed.”
“Jeez, give me some credit.” Rainbow shook her head. “I know that, but even you and Twilight figured out how to hover. I wanted to know if ponies could really, you know, fly.”
Sunset pressed a hand against her head “What, like a plane? Kind of, yeah. Pegasi can move pretty fast when they want to.”
“Oh awesome you guys have those,” Rainbow said, bobbing along to the beat. “And they go, like, properly off the ground?”
“Well, yeah they build cities in the clouds—” She paused and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. “—Rainbow, do you know you have pony ears?”
“Duh, that’s why I’ve got to keep the music going. So you–”
“Hang on,” Sunset cut in. “Rainbow I live on the fourth floor, how did you even get up to this window?”
She shrugged “Well, your doorman wouldn’t let me in and this was the fastest way to reach you... Anyway, you reckon that a pegasus could get between here and school in ten seconds flat?”
“Probably, yeah,” Sunset frowned. “Where are you going with this Dash?”
“Hockey practice, I told you.” She glanced at her watch. “Speaking of which, I’ve gotta’ fly. See you in Math, Sunset.”
Rainbow kicked away from the wall and plummeted out of sight. Sunset threw herself forwards, hanging half out of her window with her heart hammering as she watched Rainbow drop towards the asphalt. Rainbow Dash’s wings flared out wide, beating like a hummingbird's and she kicked off empty air, hurling herself up into the sky.
“WOO!” Rainbow’s whoop of joy rang out as she blazed over apartment block, a rainbow contrail spilling out behind her as she shot towards the rising sun.
Sunset stared as the contrail faded away to nothing, her mouth hanging open. She could only imagine how the school was going to react when Rainbow Dash arrived on the wing. Shaking her head, she closed the window and crawled back in the bed.
It was way too early in the morning to worry about that.
That morning was no different. The sun was just daring to poke through the curtains when a sudden rapping echoed through Sunset’s studio apartment. With a groan she rolled over in bed, dragging the sheets over her head.
“Come on Sunset, I know you’re in there.” Rainbow’s voice cut through the cocoon of warmth. “I need to talk to you.”
“Go away.” Sunset growled, burying herself deeper.
“Yeah, I totally can’t hear you. I’m going to keep knocking until you answer.” She broke into a percussive version of ‘Awesome as I Wanna’ Be’.
Sunset mused for a moment on whether she could get away with murder by claiming diplomatic immunity. Muttering to herself she slid out from under the bedspread, like a butterfly from a chrysalis of warmth. With a silent promise to return, she dragged herself to the front door.
“What?” she demanded, throwing the door open, only to find herself glowering into an empty corridor.
“Behind you dingus.”
Sunset whirled and did a double take. Rainbow Dash rested her elbows on Sunset’s windowsill, drumming her fingers against the glass. She wore her athletic kit, with a duffel bag over her shoulder and a pair of headphones on her head.
“Rainbow, what are you doing?” she exclaimed, hurrying over to the window.
“Dude, headphones,” Rainbow called out, tapping them. “Open the window I need to talk to you.”
Sunset rolled her eyes but obeyed. The blast of cold air sent shivers down her spine and she rubbed her arms beneath her pyjamas. “Urgh, Rainbow it’s like six in the morning.” She shot a hateful glare at the sun peaking over the horizon. “Unless someone is on fire, dead, or fallen into another reality can’t it wait until morning?”
“It is morning,” Rainbow protested. “Look, I need to be at hockey practice in, like, five minutes. Do ponies fly?”
A groan escaped Sunset. “You woke me up at the crack of dawn to ask me that? Yes ponies fly. Heck you grow wings when you ‘pony up’ and fly about, unless you hadn’t noticed.”
“Jeez, give me some credit.” Rainbow shook her head. “I know that, but even you and Twilight figured out how to hover. I wanted to know if ponies could really, you know, fly.”
Sunset pressed a hand against her head “What, like a plane? Kind of, yeah. Pegasi can move pretty fast when they want to.”
“Oh awesome you guys have those,” Rainbow said, bobbing along to the beat. “And they go, like, properly off the ground?”
“Well, yeah they build cities in the clouds—” She paused and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. “—Rainbow, do you know you have pony ears?”
“Duh, that’s why I’ve got to keep the music going. So you–”
“Hang on,” Sunset cut in. “Rainbow I live on the fourth floor, how did you even get up to this window?”
She shrugged “Well, your doorman wouldn’t let me in and this was the fastest way to reach you... Anyway, you reckon that a pegasus could get between here and school in ten seconds flat?”
“Probably, yeah,” Sunset frowned. “Where are you going with this Dash?”
“Hockey practice, I told you.” She glanced at her watch. “Speaking of which, I’ve gotta’ fly. See you in Math, Sunset.”
Rainbow kicked away from the wall and plummeted out of sight. Sunset threw herself forwards, hanging half out of her window with her heart hammering as she watched Rainbow drop towards the asphalt. Rainbow Dash’s wings flared out wide, beating like a hummingbird's and she kicked off empty air, hurling herself up into the sky.
“WOO!” Rainbow’s whoop of joy rang out as she blazed over apartment block, a rainbow contrail spilling out behind her as she shot towards the rising sun.
Sunset stared as the contrail faded away to nothing, her mouth hanging open. She could only imagine how the school was going to react when Rainbow Dash arrived on the wing. Shaking her head, she closed the window and crawled back in the bed.
It was way too early in the morning to worry about that.
I really like the idea of Sunset always waking up angry. Fantastic humor potential there. Dash jailbreaking her magic was also fantastic, though I’m not sure if it quite works. And since when does she bother to ask if something’s possible before doing it? In all, this was fun, but it feels a little fragile in terms of fridge logic.
>>FanOfMostEverything
It's quite evident that Rainbow Dash here knows exactly what she can do but needs to show it to someone, and considering that Sunset is the only one living alone she is the perfect victim for the abominable crime of waking up someone at six in the morning.
I also think that if the story will ever continue it will involve murder once Sunset catches up.
All in all, it was fun.
It's quite evident that Rainbow Dash here knows exactly what she can do but needs to show it to someone, and considering that Sunset is the only one living alone she is the perfect victim for the abominable crime of waking up someone at six in the morning.
I also think that if the story will ever continue it will involve murder once Sunset catches up.
All in all, it was fun.
Mane Six count (Don't mind me, I'm just curious as to how many times each of the Mane 6 appears):
Applejack: 3
Pinkie: 2
Rainbow: 2
Twilight: 1
Sunset: 1 (yes, she counts. No, I'm not updating the number from "six".)
This is probably the best sentence in the Writeoff.
This was really good. A little predictable, but that didn't actually stop my enjoyment as I was quite enjoying Rainbow tormenting poor Sunset.
Also, the idea of Sunset not being a morning person makes way too much sense; how did I not realize this before?
I don't have terribly much to say about this one, but that's because it's just really, really good. Well done.
Verdict: Super strong.
Applejack: 3
Pinkie: 2
Rainbow: 2
Twilight: 1
Sunset: 1 (yes, she counts. No, I'm not updating the number from "six".)
Sunset mused for a moment on whether she could get away with murder by claiming diplomatic immunity.
This is probably the best sentence in the Writeoff.
This was really good. A little predictable, but that didn't actually stop my enjoyment as I was quite enjoying Rainbow tormenting poor Sunset.
Also, the idea of Sunset not being a morning person makes way too much sense; how did I not realize this before?
I don't have terribly much to say about this one, but that's because it's just really, really good. Well done.
Verdict: Super strong.
I liked this story from the get-go, Writer, as I, too, am definitively not a morning person. The premise feels a little forced, as even Sunset herself points out that Rainbow Dash has sprouted wings and darted about in the past, but the imagery you create with Rainbow only half-paying attention to an already annoyed Sunset is compelling enough to forgive it.
Speaking of forgiveness, I beg your indulgence as I resurrect my nitpicks section - I noticed several missing commas spread through the story, particularly where it came to dialogue. A few examples:
Also, in the last line of dialogue, "gotta" doesn't require an apostrophe.
Still, these are just minor annoyances. You're good at conveying frustration, Writer - this feels as though it was written from personal experience, and for that, you have mypity sympathy.
Final Thought: Thank Luna My Roommate Wakes Up for Work After I Do
Speaking of forgiveness, I beg your indulgence as I resurrect my nitpicks section - I noticed several missing commas spread through the story, particularly where it came to dialogue. A few examples:
“Behind you, dingus.”
“Open the window, I need to talk to you.”
“Urgh, Rainbow, it’s like six in the morning.”
Also, in the last line of dialogue, "gotta" doesn't require an apostrophe.
Still, these are just minor annoyances. You're good at conveying frustration, Writer - this feels as though it was written from personal experience, and for that, you have my
Final Thought: Thank Luna My Roommate Wakes Up for Work After I Do
The bad: Umm, some missing commas, I guess?
The neutral: The girls' dialogue sounds really, really... British? Or like I imagine British dialogue might sound like based on being American and watching Dr. Who and some random Internet stuff. I mention it only because they sound noticeably different than they do on the show and in the movies.
The good: Wow, I don't even know where to begin. It's a simple setup and (obviously) a very short piece, but it's masterful in its usage of Rainbow and its setup for the big moment. And that moment! It's exciting, tense, and quite rewarding when she does the thing.
Random aside: There's some well-written Rainbow in this Writeoff. She's not usually my favorite but I'm really digging it.
The neutral: The girls' dialogue sounds really, really... British? Or like I imagine British dialogue might sound like based on being American and watching Dr. Who and some random Internet stuff. I mention it only because they sound noticeably different than they do on the show and in the movies.
The good: Wow, I don't even know where to begin. It's a simple setup and (obviously) a very short piece, but it's masterful in its usage of Rainbow and its setup for the big moment. And that moment! It's exciting, tense, and quite rewarding when she does the thing.
Random aside: There's some well-written Rainbow in this Writeoff. She's not usually my favorite but I'm really digging it.
I think it's very odd that Sunset wouldn't know that Rainbow is a pegasus and just tell her that. Surely she'd be able to infer it from her wings and the fact she isn't a princess, and Twilight's almost certainly told all of them about their doubles by now, but at the very least she'd tell Sunset because they're canon pen pals.
Apart from that, I don't have any suggestions.
Apart from that, I don't have any suggestions.
>>Orbiting_kettle
This makes it make a bunch more sense. Establish this hook more, author - as is it's not quite clear enough.
This makes it make a bunch more sense. Establish this hook more, author - as is it's not quite clear enough.
Retrospective
So as people might have been able to tell I had a lot of fun writing this story. I have yet to see any of the Equestria Girls movies, but I love settings where magic and the real world clash and its so stories set there are a pretty natural fit for me. This was actually my warm-up story, done just after brainstorming, and so was rather rough around the edges particularly when it came to the logic of Rainbow's actions, as people have pointed out. The one sentence seed idea for this story was: Human Rainbow exploits ponying up to beat her commute
Anyway, The basic idea for this story was Rainbow doing something stupid and reckless and Sunset washing her hands of the incident, 'Well, it's your funeral' style. I'm actually somewhat surprised that we had so few stories following that theme all in all. I made a concerted effort to write something other than a half dozen stories about funerals and figured the field would follow so as to distinguish themselves from that baseline. In the end I think The Rainbow Beat ended up as a bit of an outlier, not addressing death at all.
The story begins and ends at the idea of Rainbow hacking the music magic to get flight powers. I think, on reflection, that limited how far it was ever going to get in the competition as there's very little in the way of character development and it takes a very long time to really get to the point. The idea itself is pretty sound, but there's no real conflict and the whole story would be bypassed by Rainbow being more risky (and if that's ever a problem then Rainbow has not been written properly). A few people have pointed out some other plotholes, most of which I'd agree with, which were also an issue but mostly down to a lack of words to fix things. Like the majority of my stories this went way over the word budget and I had to cut harshly to fit it into the limit.
Overall, while I like the idea and will probably use it again, the idea was too big for the contest and so I failed to put any actual story around it. It was a fun idea and got into the finals because of that, but lacked the bite to get any higher.
>>FanOfMostEverything I fully agree, alas fridge logic applied to me as well.
>>Orbiting_kettle I'd love to claim that idea, but my background thought went along the lines. Rainbow has gone to Sunset's to get a lift to school, she's been unable to get in so has flown up to her window, she's realised there that maybe she could just fly, and Sunset confirms it leading her to shoot off. Her just showing off makes a bit more sense from what's there.
Actually, come to think of it telling the story from Rainbow's perspective would make a great deal more sense...
>>Bugle :) I'd forgotten that sentence. I'll take it as a good sign I keep laughing at my one liners.
>>Icenrose Glad you had fun. I'm really, really not a morning person (heck I'm barely a late afternoon person) so I'm with Sunset on this one.
>>CoffeeMinion Hmm, seems my accent may have crept through. Usually I'd catch this in the edit but but I was way too busy the day of the Write-off.
>>Trick_Question In my head I imagine that while Sunset knows the girls don't. Not because she doesn't want to tell them, they just haven't asked and they lack the frame of reference to ask. Rainbow thinks she grows wings because she's awesome, not because there's a pegasus version of herself in another reality.
So as people might have been able to tell I had a lot of fun writing this story. I have yet to see any of the Equestria Girls movies, but I love settings where magic and the real world clash and its so stories set there are a pretty natural fit for me. This was actually my warm-up story, done just after brainstorming, and so was rather rough around the edges particularly when it came to the logic of Rainbow's actions, as people have pointed out. The one sentence seed idea for this story was: Human Rainbow exploits ponying up to beat her commute
Anyway, The basic idea for this story was Rainbow doing something stupid and reckless and Sunset washing her hands of the incident, 'Well, it's your funeral' style. I'm actually somewhat surprised that we had so few stories following that theme all in all. I made a concerted effort to write something other than a half dozen stories about funerals and figured the field would follow so as to distinguish themselves from that baseline. In the end I think The Rainbow Beat ended up as a bit of an outlier, not addressing death at all.
The story begins and ends at the idea of Rainbow hacking the music magic to get flight powers. I think, on reflection, that limited how far it was ever going to get in the competition as there's very little in the way of character development and it takes a very long time to really get to the point. The idea itself is pretty sound, but there's no real conflict and the whole story would be bypassed by Rainbow being more risky (and if that's ever a problem then Rainbow has not been written properly). A few people have pointed out some other plotholes, most of which I'd agree with, which were also an issue but mostly down to a lack of words to fix things. Like the majority of my stories this went way over the word budget and I had to cut harshly to fit it into the limit.
Overall, while I like the idea and will probably use it again, the idea was too big for the contest and so I failed to put any actual story around it. It was a fun idea and got into the finals because of that, but lacked the bite to get any higher.
>>FanOfMostEverything I fully agree, alas fridge logic applied to me as well.
>>Orbiting_kettle I'd love to claim that idea, but my background thought went along the lines. Rainbow has gone to Sunset's to get a lift to school, she's been unable to get in so has flown up to her window, she's realised there that maybe she could just fly, and Sunset confirms it leading her to shoot off. Her just showing off makes a bit more sense from what's there.
Actually, come to think of it telling the story from Rainbow's perspective would make a great deal more sense...
>>Bugle :) I'd forgotten that sentence. I'll take it as a good sign I keep laughing at my one liners.
>>Icenrose Glad you had fun. I'm really, really not a morning person (heck I'm barely a late afternoon person) so I'm with Sunset on this one.
>>CoffeeMinion Hmm, seems my accent may have crept through. Usually I'd catch this in the edit but but I was way too busy the day of the Write-off.
>>Trick_Question In my head I imagine that while Sunset knows the girls don't. Not because she doesn't want to tell them, they just haven't asked and they lack the frame of reference to ask. Rainbow thinks she grows wings because she's awesome, not because there's a pegasus version of herself in another reality.