This asks, in my opinion, a question really worth being asked.

I like a bit of philosophy in my stories on occasion. It also has an arc, and some decent characters, and the other things a story should have. Overall, I think it's pretty good.

It's a bit weird that they just lay down in the middle of the store, though. Not sure what's up with that.

>>devas
The distrust, the self-described "eye for beauty," waiting for him to do something ignoble and crass... It all felt like Rarity. In the end, why would Discord care? I'm not sure if he's even met Blueblood.

And really, when you can frighten the stallion by shaking cake onto him, it doesn't take much to intimidate him. And after that? She's the personal friend of Princess Twilight Sparkle, explicitly acting on her behalf and at her behest. What can Blueblood do?

You have now left me with the mental image of a crotchety old Twilight trying (and failing) to use a smartphone. And Facebook. I'm sure the friend system would confound her.

Also, how could Twilight have an unpaid internship and be Princess at the same time?

Anyway, this is definitely a different interpretation from most of the other things I've read and has no obvious problem spots mechanically. A fun piece all around.

The premise for this one is just too harsh for me, and has no justification except that it's trying to be funny. It works occasionally too, but Twilight losing Princess status for no reason doesn't really sell me a story, and the ending didn't make me laugh, it made me cringe.

I'm sure that some will enjoy, but I am not one of them. Sorry.

This is silly and it owns it, which I like. There's a dreamlikeness to it, though, which left me feeling a bit lost and out of context? Not sure if there's much to be done about that, however.

>>Bad Horse

Check again. It was for you, Bad Horse <3

Damn! I wish this story was on my slate, because this is really really good. The characterization is effective, it feels exactly right for its length, the dialogue flows naturally, and most important of all, the ending is satisfying. Easily the best entry I've read so far.

The story is fine, but the emotion in the first segment is really overwrought. You don't need to pull on the heartstrings with as many adjectives as you can find, and honestly, you shouldn't be trying to imbue that much emotion when we don't know the characters yet and have no reason to feel anything other than "death equals sad".

I'm unclear about the ending. The twist at the end makes it seem like Luna is lying as a translator and is betraying her own kind, but if that were true, why would she be protecting Celestia? And how would they not know that she's an alicorn princess herself, which seems clear they don't because they're only using her as a translator?

This could be a great short story with more detail. It could also be a great minific, but you'd need to choose one interpretation and make it less murky than this. As is, it's too unclear to be self-contained, and I'm left with more questions than feelings.

“Okay, time for presents!” Mom said. Then she had to repeat it, because all the colts and fillies were still running around like idiots and Topaz wanted to just smack them all. It took a few minutes, but everypony finally settled down, and she was finally able to start opening her gifts.

I knew when I read this paragraph that this would be a good story. The narrator's voice is well-done, and trickier than it looks. It gets across the attitude of a filly ("and Topaz wanted to just smack them all"), yet has the precision of adult language. The narration is full of words like repeat, sincere, relishing, whisked--words a filly wouldn't use--yet it stays true to the perceptions and reactions a child would have.

“Of course you find this funny,” Celestia grumbled. “He didn’t turn you pink.”

I laughed.

The last line says "drama" and the rest says "comedy". You need to come up with a different ending line, preferably Trixie saying something legitimately funny before she goes under.

You'll have to think it up, though.

>>ChappedPenguinLips No, it's too late. Adding words after I pointed it out just makes it inauthentic. I can't bear to look at it now.

I don't mind character-reframing (especially Sunbutt—post stuff like this and prepare for downthumbs) but I'm too confused about what's going on here to know how I really feel about it.

The main problem is that I don't know exactly what the letter contains. Why would a suicide note be combined with a threat to Celestia? Is Harshwhinny saying alicorns can't compete in the Games (actually sensible) or that the reigning regent shouldn't be allowed to attend a competition her country is partaking in (that makes no bucking sense at all, especially since we're given no reasoning behind it)? The only one that makes sense is the first one, but there isn't enough context to suggest that's what you actually meant.

If it's the second way, we have a problem. Harshwhinny's demands make no sense, so there's no reason for Celestia to feel this passive-aggressive. Even if I buy the reframing of her character, I can't imagine reading a suicide threat and then saying 'what a pompous, vacuous snit' about the author, no matter how touchy Celestia might be.

How I would write this (and I like the idea so I kinda wish I had):

Don't make it a suicide threat. Make it a "you're not allowed to compete", which is sensible. Have this be the first time somepony has challenged Celestia in centuries, and use that to reveal her insecurities. That would have been brilliant. What you currently have is confusing and doesn't make much sense.

Also, that's not what a snit is (a snit is an attitude, not a person—it's like a brood or a sulk).

The story isn't bad, and the flow of action and dialogue is decent. I'm sure you are aware that your English needs a lot of work, and for that you'll need prereader assistance from somepony who speaks and writes English well.

The main issue I have with the story is that it feels incomplete, even for a minific, because we don't get a sense of Twilight's friends' reaction, or "what's next" for Twilight. It ends at the climax, and I feel the reader deserves a denouement on a topic like this. Partly that's because the idea has been done to death (pun not intentional) and we want to see more on what the author's ideas are.

So, give us more! And get a prereader to help you if you decide to finish it.

>>Bad Horse

RIP. I'm sorry :C

The story concept in and of itself was pretty interesting and compelling, but the delivery is what fell flat for me. I'm just having a difficult time seeing this as an actual scene playing out. I feel more like I'm being told the story than shown it—and that's the crux of it all, isn't it? Show, don't tell.

I'll give you points for keeping my interest, at least, and kudos for thinking outside the box as to how to execute this, but I think a more standard execution would've been better. Granted, such an execution probably wouldn't fit into a minific, but the point still stands.

D'aw, that was really cute. Pretty good characterization of both Windy and Twilight, too—although Windy being an Apple kinda threw me, with her wings and all. Twilight sounded like herself, but wiser, which is fitting for the far-flung future this is set in. As for the plot itself, if you can even call it a plot necessarily, was nice enough, just not very innovative. I could have predicted where Twilight's explanation would go from the title alone, practically.

Still, no major downfalls. The link to the prompt is a bit weak, but it's still there, so kudos.

>>Bad Horse
Even worse: should a review longer than its story occur in a future writeoff, you now won’t be sure if it was authentic or not because you mentioned it here. You’ve doomed yourself to disappointment.

Genre: Absurdist dramedy

Thoughts: Okay, so first of all, this made me burst out laughing twice, which speaks to the well-executed absurdity up in here. I like Luna's background about the way things used to be, as well as Twilight's petulance about the way things are.

Now for the buts: While this comes very close to being complete as a story, there are two things holding it back from realizing that completeness, and the impact of that near-miss ends up feeling greater than it would if the story wasn't doing such an otherwise successful job of being its ridiculous self. Both things relate to the assailant at the end. The first point needing clarity is the assertion that Twilight chose a side; without any other context, I don't have a sense of what this means for the bigger struggle (such as it is), and why it motivates the assailant as it does; this is a case where the absurdity of the situation would be better served by providing more detail, not less. The other point is the assailant's tagline, which is suitably random, but which crosses the line into not making any sense at all.

My only other nitpick is that this needs a minor spelling/grammar pass, but that doesn't unduly detract from what's going on here.

Tier: Almost There

Genre: Political dissatisfaction

Thoughts: This one is tricky for me to rank, because I imagine that a lot of the impact of this depends on one's view of the American electoral process (The System), and I seem not to possess the requisite level of dissatisfaction to get the full benefit. That might make this a prime candidate for abstention... I'll have to think about it.

The thing is, though, this seems to bet the proverbial farm on the reader empathizing with Sunset's reaction that The System totally sucks, and I feel like I can offer valid criticism of it for that choice. If we strip away that bet, what are we left with? We get some interesting background about Sunset's integration with EqG!humanity at the beginning, and here I must disagree with >>Baal Bunny, because I think the detail about her fast-talking actual gold into local currency adds something. However, I feel like that's the main other thing on offer here.

Now I realize I'm not being the most genial critic, so let me pull back a little: There's a lot of things that this does well from a technical and execution perspective. I do agree with >>Orbiting_kettle that there's some telliness to the prose, but I don't think that's a huge problem. I also appreciate the vocabulary on offer; it's always fun to run into new words, and I don't think I'd heard the word "oligopoly" before.

Tier: Misaimed

Genre: Well-written stealth immortality blues?

Thoughts: I daresay I was riveted right up until the end, at which point some combination of not being sure about the ending's meaning, and not being satisfied with the meanings it seemed to suggest, dragged hard on my appreciation for the story, leaving it somewhat worse for wear.

The quality of writing here is stellar. It's quite short, too, not even wasting the title, but using it as a way to jump right in.

I dunno. This feels very close to being a complete story, despite its veering away from clarity at the last minute. I want to ding it more for that, but I struggle to do so. Gaaaah.

Tier: Good Stuff*


*In horizon's ratings system, I believe this would be Strong or Solid, but I feel like this makes more sense as a waypoint between communicating that the story needs some non-trivial amount of work to really shine, and communicating that the story is outstanding in every way and deserves a medal. This story is indeed Good Stuff; perhaps it could be Great Stuff (or a Top Contender) if that last bit was clearer, but that doesn't hold it back from having significant merit.

>>Trick_Question
Hmm, I can't exactly see what you are seeing. If it was the case you mention, I would say that despite betraying her kind, Luna still feels guilty enough to try to protect Celestia, but I hardly think that's the case; In my opinion it was clear that Luna wasn't used simply or only as a translator but rather as an advissor or even a diplomat, prescisely because she was a princess.
It would be hardly unheard, conqueror armies in history will usually do something like this.
Look at this:

I obeyed, knowing full well it was posturing. There was no way he could achieve that, even with the quarter million additional troops scheduled to arrive in Equestria next month.

"That is their offer," I translated. "To them the Princess is the equivalent of life itself. Take that away and they might as well fight to the death."

"Home Office was impressed," the suit whispered in my ear. "A bright political future awaits you back home. Good work, Luna."

I doesn't seem to me that Luna is protecting Celestia but rather than Luna knows that it's strategically not good to ask for her summision, and that the humans are taking her advice in consideration. Still, the story shows that she is doing this with disgust, she hate the general and the situation, but some kind of decision made her choise it's side. The reasons of that decision (maybe she though that less lives could be lost surrending to the humans rather than fighting?) it's left implied, but I think that's a good choice. It's not really important, the escence of the tragedy it's the decision itself.

It made me remember a lot to the classic and tragic story of La Malinch, the aztec noble woman that was the personal interpreter and adviser of Cortez in his conquest of the Aztec empire and was later seen as the encarnation of betrayal.


This was also one of my favourites (if not the best) stories I've read so far.

First, my thoughts : The story starts out stronger, but there are a few simple mistakes; 'place' is misspelled 'plce', for example. As it goes on though, it begins to lose its way a bit. Filly-Twilight's dialogue to me didn't feel natural. For example:

"Majesty, does that mean I'll stop studying with you one day? Does that mean we'll never talk again? Is there any way for me to stay with you?"

Twilight has never used 'Majesty' to my knowledge in the show when one on one. She always uses 'Princess' when talking to Celestia directly. I think she may have used 'your majesty' in a group setting once or twice, but that'd be the limit of it.

Similarly, why is Celestia drawing the curtains, closing everything off? Adult ponies know she's ageless; she's not imparting a deep secret here. They're having a talk about death, before Twilight is ready to comprehend death. What is closing them off doing for us?

There's a solid core here, but one that still has tarnish and plenty of polish it can undergo, mostly on characterization. Make me feel 'Celestia' and 'Twilight' as characters more and you'll go much further in power.

>>Trick_Question

I don't think there needs be a direct answer; I do agree Celestia seems to be heavily implying an afterlife, but it's a filly conversation; it doesn't need 'Do we have souls?' and 'What happens when the universe runs out of energy?' as answers here. They're not really critical to this.

It may need 'Are alicorns truly unkillable?' because if they can die, then what's next isn't truly unattainable. So that question should be addressed somehow.

Okay, gonna quit being a freeloader, now. I'll try to put out a few reviews every night until my slate runs out, but I do have a crazy week ahead of me so I can't give a 100% guarantee. Regardless, I'm going to be throwing up three of four in a bit. :P

I don't have the best track record with humor in the Writeoffs, so take this with a grain of salt.

There were definitely a couple of lines that earned a chuckle from me, but as a whole, this didn't quite come together. I think it's mostly because the humor here focuses exclusively on exaggerating Trixie's personality flaws. I mean, that's a great place to start with any comedy, and I think the "Burn that sexy body!" line was splendid. But without any real counterbalances to this sort of character deconstruction, the tone of the jokes get a bit monotonous.

Spike and Twilight feel a bit underutilized. Twilight doesn't really say anything of significance, outside of two short but somewhat tone-breaking infodumps near the beginning. And Spike is just kinda there to be another opportunity for Trixie to screw up. Both of these characters are only present to allow Trixie to be incompetent rather than playing off this incompetence with wit of their own.

Let your supporting characters get in on the fun. They don't have to all be clowns like Trixie, but they do have to add something to the mix, or else the story comes off like a one-pony show.

Again, critiquing humor isn't exactly my forte, but I'll give it a shot.

I'm having a bit of trouble with the opening, here. You spend a lot of words (nearly half your wordcount, in fact) on a dialogue that actually comes off as a bit frustrating to read. Twilight pretty much only says some variant of "What did you do?" while Discord continually evades the question. There are some jokes going on in the "background" of the scene, but honestly, it's a bit hard to pay attention to them while this super-big, super-important question keeps going unanswered.

By the time things start to finally come together, you've only got about 300 words to play with. The payoff, as a result, feels a little unsatisfying. We're basically just left with the idea of what Discord has done, and none of the fun character-driven gags that could have come about from it.

My suggestion would be to simply cut from the front end and expand the back end.

I really love Twilight's voicing, here. I'm probably going to end up re-reading this to steal learn from the little nuances that make this angry-Twi sound so pitch-perfect. Great work!

The one thing that I'm having a bit of an issue with is the end. In particular, the second-to-last paragraph feels pretty telly to me, and considering that you still had a couple of hundred words, I can't help but wonder if this information could have been presented in a more natural way. Don't get me wrong--you still got your point across, and it's a pretty powerful one, but I think it might benefit from a little more breathing room.

I don't see anything mechanically wrong with this story.

I still loathe it. 'Humans conquer Equestria' is a plotline I've always loathed, and this one is asking far too much of me. Why are they invading? How is the asymmetry so great? So on and so on, but most of all, again : Why?!

I mean, it's a Shadowrun society with no establishment as to why. Especially nowadays that's harder to sell because the ingredients usually used - resource scarcity, increasing corporate power, so forth - are all things that are diminishing as issues nowadays, at least insofar as the USA is concerned and I'd be shocked if this is a non-American author.

Then we have Luna. Why is Luna on the opposite side?

Everything in this is just grim and misanthropic and yea. Ick.

This got a number of genuine chuckles from me. All in all, solid entry.

One nitpick : "Am going to your room this instant," -> 'Are going' is what it should be.

But I liked the idea Luna is constellation-Mom, although I think you should clear our Castor and Pollux are now ponies because I did have a moment of double-take there of 'Why are there humans?' which I dont think you intended.

>>FanOfMostEverything

Busy Twilight is always peevish, just look back to episode 1 when she was super annoyed she couldn't study because Pinkie was throwing a party in her new library.

I'd hate to critique a story based on its subject matter alone, but honestly, AU's are very, very difficult to pull off in minific rounds. You need to spend a lot of time simply setting things up, and with only a scene's worth of words to work with it's very hard to make the reader feel like they've received a payoff from learning about this AU.

Historically speaking, virtually all of our previous minific medalists establish both setting and tone within the first fifty or so words of the story. In other words, you really need to get your readers invested and ready to go as soon as possible in order to give yourself enough time to tell a complete story. This is exceedingly difficult to do when you first have to establish how and when your story deviates from canon.

This story really needs a couple of thousand words under its belt at the very least. As a minific entry, I can't really say that it's done its job.

This one gets dinged because I can't figure out how it relates to the prompt.

Otherwise mostly good. Character voice fits although Rarity seems not quite taken back enough - I kept expecting it to come out she was the one to have The Talk and set up Sweetie Belle with proper safemeasures in the first place.

Still, solid.

>>Trick_Question

You are a bad, wicked pony, Trixie. Such gutter-mindedness!

This worked just fine for me. I shall concur with others that there really is no need for Lovecraft-specific monsters; Eldritch Horrors in general will work just fine.

But the idea of 'Celestia and Luna were once slavering Star-Beasts' is a fun one. I've seen a couple stories in the same ball park (Like where Celestia was a Windigo, for example), but this one original and good in its own way.

The 'Screams and blood' bit is a bit jarring (Although nice nod to the origin of Discord), so transitioning the comedy -> serious more smoothly would do well, and fit the journey of 'Eldritch Beings -> Actual Pony Princesses' the two once-Horrors go through.

>>Morning Sun

I think it's what Trick pointed out -- there's no princess in the story.

Literally, princess not included.

There have been:

A lot of good stories this round that I haven't found anything to comment on. Here, I want to single out the author's nice use of the external POV 'cause I find that to be a real hard thing to do well.

Still, I'll agree with >>FanOfMostEverything that this one's got less of a connection to the prompt than the other story I liked but still dinged for it earlier, and if this were any longer or less silly, all the synonyms for "said" would've gotten tiresome. I'd also recommend putting an indication nearer the beginning that this is EqG--maybe Rarity can press the back of her hand to her forehead in the first paragraph or something. Fun, fun, fun.

Mike

Hmmm... I concur with the other comments on the fact that the involved ponies acted out of character, but I think you can make it work. You need something to establish early on that this is black comedy, so that Twilight's fast turnaround and F&F's more reprehensible than usual business model are less jarring. They haven't to be things one expect, they only need to feel consistent with the world. Hard to do in less than 750 words, I know, but it' something that maybe you can do in an extended version.

I smiled but never really laughed out, which probably depends more from me than from the story.

Except for this sentence here:
Flam held up a hoof, about ready to smack that feature into their product
Once you are in the right mindset this sentence is wonderful.

Entertaining story that needs a better context.

Very gorgeously described—you certainly have a knack for beautiful scenery and descriptions. author. It didn't ever cross into the domain of purple prose either, which can be a tough line to walk. That said, without those descriptions, it's really just a blasé game of chess between friends, so not really a story at all.

Nice link to the prompt, though!

I love this:

For objective reasons such as those stated above--and for one big subjective reason. It's an even better approach to the basic set up for Half the Day is Night, the Pony novel I wrote way back during the last half of season 1. Imagine an AU where, after banishing Luna, Celestia asked this group to take over running the night. What would be the social and political ramifications of Luna returning and wanting to take her old job back from this thousand-year-old magical bureaucracy?

Anyway, this is good stuff.

Mike

This one was great. The beginning left me briefly confused about what exactly was happening, but I feel I can't fault you for it seeing as it makes quite sense and sets the scene well.

Voice and demeanour fit story and characters perfectly, and I really can't suggest significant improvements here.

The ending surprised me, and the last line was an extremely funny closing of the story.

Very good and funny story with negligible issues.

I contemplated abstaining from this one on the grounds that I'm not the best judge of poetry, but I decided that that was the lazy way out, so I went back in and tried my best to understand it.

As far as I can tell, this is rather beautifully done. The meter seems nearly perfect, and I've never seen this specific rhyme scheme used before; it initially threw me off, but it was nice once I caught on. The story told seems to have been given an equal measure of care, and it ties into the prompt quite neatly too. I'm not sure whether the fact that it's tied to that other story in the author's note is a good or a bad thing, though, since I like that you wanted to expand upon that story, but I wish that this had been a wholly original concept.

Regardless, it was executed well and certainly stuck in my mind. Well done!

This was a good, silly, short comedy piece. Trixie as the OTHER Princess of the Moon just brings it round to even more special levels.

++ Well done laughter

This is definitely headcanon dumpy, but in a way I enjoy. Perhaps it could use a little more show vs tell, but Windy Seed is just so PERKY that it makes a lot of it more joyful all around

I don't know what I just read.

I liked the first part.

I did not like the second part. It is dissonant and doesn't really make any sense. I could add more, but I think being pithy serves well here.

Two nitpicks:

One, as noted, where is the prompt here? I mean I guess Twilight feeling left-behind-ish and all, maybe?

Two : Why is everything so dark and like, occult? I mean its all blood and spiders and ooze, and uh. You know. We ain't see any of that in-show. Did Ponyville suddenly turn like, Mirror-Universe-ey?

Ignore those and it is an amusing critique of the March of Progress, and how even though we all bemoan the Big Boxes, they are still cheap.

Fortunately in a few decades Amarezon.clop will come out and destroy them.

I'm confused if this is Sonata or Adagio there. I mean, she acts like Sonata but it describes a more Adagio...oh, that's just the mask.

And the title makes way more sense now, suddenly.

There is some sillyness in this, and while I grinned a little, no giggles were had as of yet. Of course, it is also 4 AM and my head hurts, so that interferes with enjoyment.

I think the problem for me is this feels incomplete as of yet, and needs to grow to really thrive.

I've been struggling to figure out what to say.

I think I'm gonna stay short. It was pithy, and I liked it. Yes, it retreads old ground. But that's okay.

Interesting in the set-up: if I read your story correctly, it's a sort of Equestria Girls but reversed?

Alack, I must agree with the other reviewers here: this is just a scene. The other short pieces are like additional tokens thrown in to give more information on your backdrop, but they don't really dovetail together so the overall impression is one of disjunction. Furthermore, the hook is pretty weak. You should've begun immediately by the chase, rather than by a sort of lackadaisical scene.

This is a cute metaphor, maybe more relevant in some parts of the world than in others (at least here in France, some mom-and-pop shops still survive). The dark tone you gave to your story is gobsmacking at first, as if you had set it up in an evil Equestria counterpart. So be it, once you take its weirdness in stride, it doesn't detract from your plot, rather it spices it up.

Otherwise, the execution is fine. I wish you'd chosen Pinkie Pie instead of AJ as the next target, and described a supermarket full of pastries and party appurtenances. But eh, knifes are fine.

So, yeah. Fair story.

You clearly had something interesting in mind, but you spent so much time setting up the mystery that you didn’t have any room left to provide enough clues. As such, the story just feels like you’re shoving a big question mark in our faces and going “Ooooh. What does it meeeaaan?” The characterization of the OCs is strong, but the overall impact leaves a lot to be desired.

That being said, I would like to know where you were going with this. If you have plans on expanding it when you have room for an explanation, I’d love to see them put into action.

This came across to me as pretty weak. I'm not going to linger on it a lot, since much of what is important has been picked up already. It stands out as a rehash of an old trope, as Trick Question points out, but most of all, it doesn't answer the fundamental question, which is: why does Celestia have abandoned the idea of befriending new ponies when her "original" friends were dead?

Her choice seems to be either to give up friendship altogether because she'll survive anypony or to accept that her friends are "transient" and enjoy the time spent with them when they're alive. Given the way I read Celestia's character, the second option seems much more likely than the first you actually plumped for.

>>Cold in Gardez
Gotta agree with Cold in Gardez here. It’s a good start to a (possibly) far longer and definitely intriguing fic, but it unfortunately ends far too abruptly and right before the plot actually begins. The execution would have worked wonders had this been a short story round, though.

Okay, I think all other reviewers pointed out how OOC your Celestia feels. I can accept your head-canon that Celestia is bound to put up a front because of her rank's obligations, holding back more narcissistic tendencies, but I think you went a bit over-the-top here.

In some ways, your descriptions made me think of Berlin Olympics in 1936.

Besides, the form you chose, interior monologue, makes the story stodgy and really difficult to stomach. It comes across as somewhat tedious because it all happens in Celestia's head. There's no rhythm here, no surprise, no dialogue, no challenge, just a continuous thought flow.

It was a dark and stormy night, and Johnny said to the captain, “Captain, tell me a story.” And this is the story the captain told: It was a dark and stormy night…

In any case, the tone here feels confused. The hints of what Equestria is like in the far future are interesting, and Twilight improvising as she goes would explain the rambling, disorganized nature of the narrative. However, the topics she covers and asides that seem solely for the benefit of the reader don’t feel appropriate given her apparent audience. Why would her child need to imagine how she looks, especially when she’s right there?

This needs another go-over to make it work. It can work, but you’re going to need to think about what Twilight’s in-story audience knows and balance that against the reader’s knowledge going into the story.

Ha. This is rather funny, in a silly way. I think the core idea is good, but the execution is sorely lacking. FoME is right in saying that the talking-heads format is baneful here. Also, the "testing happens" line (instead of a section break) is a bit jarring. The whole story feels very sketchy.

I think you should recast your story into a more conventional framing, like Twilight Sparkle being summoned in the P5 bureau, and describing the P5's employee better, adding details about the decor, Twilight's expressions, moot questions in the test, etc.

As it stands now, you've a good core concept for a zany story, but it's still in its very early stage.

The first two sections are redundant. Chuck one of them. This is a waste of resources in a MiniFic round.
There are a lot of other reduplications ("slow/sedate", "asks curiously"…)
There are also problems with punctuation. For example:

“Everypony not including the princesses.” She huffed.

should be “Everypony not including the princesses,” she huffed. Don't use a full stop at the end of a quote if it is followed by a tag, and don't capitalise the first word of your tag.

Windy practically vibrated with curiosity.

Wut? :P
Overall, there are a lot of adverbs and descriptions that don't add much to the plot.

For the rest, yeah, this is a head-canon, with little else in it. Contrarily to Morning Sun, Windy Seed comes out to me as really wimpy. She just gobbles Twilight's words like gospel. At least she could've rebelled somewhat and retort this "my little pony" thing was dumb. But right now, she looks like a puppet with little agency, or a hokey means to get your head-canon exposed.

Jupiter VII is right; you really need to make it clear how young the princesses are earlier in the story. As is, this felt downright surreal, with even the first indication of their age making me have to double-check who was saying what. What seems to be out-of-character behavior needs quick explanation. Furthermore, this underscores the incredibly bad idea that is governance by children. I haven’t read the Journal of the Two Sisters, so this may be canon, but it’s still horribly ill-advised.

This needs some cleanup but there is some potential here, especially if you add a scene later where Celestia announces her intention to build a castle in the Canterlot Mountains after banishing Nightmare Moon.

Others have established that this doesn’t do anything with its interesting premise other than raise it. I do appreciate the pun at the end, and it would be fun to see this AU expanded, but right now this story is barely more than a blastocyst.

This was fantastic. Intensely atmospheric, it explains a mystery of Season 3 with all of the gravity the subject deserves. Both Celestia and Star Swirl are well characterized, and they go through a full, satisfying narrative arc. Excellent work all around. Thank you for it.

>>FanOfMostEverything

this story is barely more than a blastocyst.

Show-off! :P

>>Morning Sun
I didn't say there needed to be a direct answer. There needs to be more than there is, though.

Nothing in the story is sufficient to explain why I'm supposed to feel sad for Celestia. I'm expected to take "you should feel sad" at face value because the characters themselves are sad, which only makes the lack of information that much more glaring.

>>Morning Sun
Is a condom on a horn more gutter-minded than horsecock?

>>Cold in Gardez
(*Prompt Not Included)

Hey, it's funny, but I think the execution lacks, and that's why it gets only a middling reception.

The idea of Twilight playing some sort of chess-like board game (not unlike in StarWars) with Cadence is not bad. I suppose the first line (in hindsight) foreshadows the end. But the conversation is rather bland and doesn't add much to the plot. You could easily scrap all that yackety-yaking off and still get the same outcome.

The last part was offbeat. You chose to set it up in some fancy world (thaumic???) which raises the question: does the collector know Twilight is actually living? And if yes, how are the other box sets powered? I think it would've been better if Twilight was twitched out as a still figure or something.

Also the

and yanked out of her native reality!

was an odd phrasing and telly. We could've figured that out of the next line.

>>Trick_Question
It's not gutter-minded. It's cesspool-minded! :P

Interesting, certainly, though it does heavily depend on an extrapolation of pony biology that hasn’t been made clear in the show. The removal of the marked dermis isn’t necessarily equivalent to Starlight Glimmer’s cutie mark removal spell, which does no physical harm, or the fading seen as a symptom of total magical endowment in another. You may be mixing up cause and effect. That said, a little exposition will go a long way in confirming that this is how it works in this particular Equestria. Still, a good portrayal of the desperation seen in Tirek’s first attack… though calling the map a “holoprojection” feels anachronistic. “Illusion” would be more in keeping with the setting.

It won’t take much to optimize this one. I look forward to seeing it.

Hmm. I find myself in the minority with this one. It didn’t impress me as much as it did the other reviewers, but I find myself at a loss as to why. All the components are strong, including what might be seen as the Tree empathizing with Twilight’s feelings of frustration at being stuck in one place when there’s so much out there to do. And yet it left me underwhelmed for reason I can’t put my finger on. Maybe I want to see what Twilight does with this information.

Still, I can’t deny that it’s a competently composed story. It just didn’t wow me. I won’t hold that against it in my scoring, though.

I feel like I'm missing some clue here which would allow me to fully understand the relationship between the two characters. As it is now, I have a couple of theories but no hint on which one is more probable.

That said, the writing is very good, describing the right amount to allow us to put together a rather coherent and eerie image. The concept is interesting and, while I would read an extended version, self contained enough to be still satisfactory.

Beautiful story that hints at something larger but maybe is a bit too subtle to allow me a full understanding.

Heh. It’s the logical counterpart to Explainer Horse. (I really do need to flesh that out at some point.)

This was fun, especially the others’ reactions to Twilight’s condition and the terms she was throwing around. That said, I actually have the opposite problem as Jupiter VII: I figured Spike’s vocabulary would actually be a bit larger than this if he’s been taking Twilight’s lab notes for a while. Of course, he might not have; this could just be a case of clashing headcanons. I also have to disagree with CiG in that I was able to figure out what was going fairly quickly.

Also, I’m really not seeing a connection to the prompt. Maybe if Twilight tried to say or write the word “Princess” or explicitly refused to bother the diarchs, it would be there, but as is, this feels almost totally unrelated. The closest connection is the title, which doesn’t work given its intended context.

A fascinating concept, yes, but I couldn’t quite enjoy it. Aside from the numerous proofreading flubs, there’s also the strained disbelief that comes from Equestria developing an entire space program and modern industrial from scratch and training the Bearers inside of a year. Yes, they’re utterly, truly desperate, but it still feels more than a little absurd. And there’s the question of why the Elements couldn’t just undo all that Discord had done, as they had before. And how he got out again(?) in the first place. And what the story is with unicorns trying to move the sun. Oh, and at this point, you really do need to indicate whether or not Twilight has wings. She doesn’t appear to in this story, but I can’t be sure.

Again, the concept is great, but I need a lot more justifying background detail before I can buy into it. As is, it feels like a competition of diaboli and dei ex machinae. Still, I do hope you flesh it out. Pony space programs are always a cool topic.

Heh, you packed a lot in such a short story, and it did flow very well and naturally. There's really not much to say except that I liked this a lot.

>>FanOfMostEverything

dei ex machinae

Either dei ex machina or dei ex machinis. Ex wants the ablative (singular in the former, plural in the latter).

:P :P :P

Well written, dynamic dialogue, mystery building up and the you leave me hanging. That's a bit evil.

If you left a clue about who is behind it all (for a while I suspected Twilight's parents) then I missed it.

A nice house promising to be full of fascinating stuff but where somebody forgot to give us the key to the front-door.

An amusing look into the future. While it’s sad to see Twilight couldn’t maintain more personal ties to the mortal world, it does make a tragic sort of sense. Immortality comes with more than a little social awkwardness, even for the Princess of Friendship. And given that title, Twilight won’t be content with watching civilization progress from some ivory tower. I especially love Celestia’s eventual response. Very reasonable, very selfless, and more than a little out of touch for a modern age. Entirely appropriate.

In all, a superb bleak comedy. I don’t usually use the tier-based rating system, but this one is a top contender in my book. (Though I have to ask, where's Spike? I'm not expecting him to be a major part of pony society, but I would expect him to still be alive a century after the show.)

>>Monokeras
Ah. I never formally studied Latin. Duly noted for future reference.

What do you mean it wasn’t designed with long-term residents in mind? It’s a castle, not a motel. Castles generally see nothing but long-term residence, save for very interesting political climates.

Aside from that little illogicality, this was quite nice. It’s an interesting counterpoint to Death Party, a more serious, less cynical look at Twilight feeling weary after her first friends pass on. I do have to agree with Trick about the “Never and never” being tricky to parse, but overall, this will need minimal polish before seeing Fimfiction.

Good poetry is so hard to come by in this fandom. I treasure every instance of it I find. All the more so when it’s a novel rhyme scheme that uses its own form to better emphasize the alternating seductive and sinister aspects of the Nightmare. I stumbled over only a single line (“So frail, pale, wan and fey,” which feels like it lost some syllables.) Exquisite work all around.

Firstly, thank you for writing the title in all caps so we could distinguish this entry from the other Satisfaction Guaranteed at a glance.

The story’s almost there, but not quite. The Flimflams feel a little off-key, and not just because they don’t have a jingle going. (Not that the song’s compulsory.) Their usual MO involves something more grandiose than a furtive, one-on-one “Hey, buddy.” Plus, the sales pitch feels a little too up front and straightforward with the disclaimers and acknowledging how liquid courage isn’t the same as actual courage. Play up the snake oil more, especially since Equestria doesn’t yet appear to have a Food and Drug Act.

This seems to be a random comedy, but (to me, at least) it’s not random enough to really amuse by being surprising. It’s almost as the author ran into time pressure and had to finish it quickly. ;) At that level, and that level only, I like the Signal from Fred.

I’m with Trick: Whatever you were going for with this one, it came off feeling creepy on multiple levels. I’d expect that kind of SMS bombardment from Pinkie, not Rarity, and the detainment at Chez Maud (which itself is bit of a confusing name, given the one Maud we know of in this series) feels like… well, detainment. Asking for nude pictures only compounds the disturbing undertones.

You may need to rebuild this one from the ground up.

The only point:

I'll add is the desire for a word or two about where Discord is now. Surely they would've had to have dealt with him--I can't even begin to imagine what tense that verb is in--in some way before doing all this space program stuff. But, yes, iron out the wrinkles, author, and you've got a fun one here.

Mike

This borders on the Monty Python cheese shop sketch. Indeed, you might want to go further in that direction. Turn the absurdity up to eleven. As is, it’s a smidgen too close to reality to feel properly surreal.

>>Trick_Question
"Weeb" is short for "Weeaboo," which was originally an intentionally meaningless word coined in The Perry Bible Fellowship. It has since become a derogatory term for anime fans.

Points lost for not making that “West Bridle Avenue.” Remember, spellcheck just looks for a right word, not the right word.

In any case, this was an enjoyable bit of fluff. I suppose there’s already a Princess of Paradoxes. With any luck, she’ll be able to avert the magma vortex. Not much to say beyond that, really.

Others have harped enough on the proofreading that I’m limiting myself to this sentence. Beyond that, this is some great stuff, wonderfully absurd yet fully in keeping with Equestria as we know it. Luna’s fond reminiscing and Celestia’s unshakable conviction are both excellent, as is Twilight’s indignation. Please do polish this; Fimfiction will eat it up.

I have no specifics to add, but I agree with the general consensus so far: this story is amusing, but should be tightened up a bit, with better indications of who is speaking and a more explicit ending.

This is good, but as already stated it will work better as the first few pages of something longer. The characters deserve an honest chance to try to work this problem out.

I might be the only one, but I found a bunch of easily corrected grammar mistakes sprinkled throughout the story :-/

Methinks this would have benefited from a second editing pass.

>>FanOfMostEverything

I'm not the only one, eh?

Like FanofMostEverything, this one didn't really pop out to me. Don't get me wrong, the quality is all there, and I can see that this is a strong story, one of the better ones I think in terms of concept and execution. The only issue is it didn't work for me. That's no fault to the author, but I just didn't get as invested as it seems some of the other readers did.

Personally, I thought Twilight's characterization was not off... But not all the way on either. Most people are saying how natural this tantrum of her's is, which to an extent I agree. I totally see how Twilight could get upset and behave like this. I could totally see her being petty... But it just didn't feel super Twilight to me. Everyone's interpretation of a character is slightly different than another's, as I'm demonstrating right now. And with this version of Twilight... her antics felt a little absurd. Especially in the wording of the dialogue. She felt more like an upset child almost, especially with the last line essentially being "yeah, whatever." Perhaps it wouldn't irk me so much if I saw how Twilight took this information, because "stupid tree" makes me think she doesn't care. It's probably her refusing to acknowledge the realization, nevertheless I still get the "yeah, whatever" feel despite how much I believe it wasn't intended that way.

The ending kind of stumbled too. It lost its momentum as a story and the execution was muddled.

Apart from that, it was masterfully written. I really thought the writing--up until the end--was very good. Top-notch!

Also, I love the concept of the story and the message at the very end was endearing. It's one that can be told so many ways and yet people still want to show it in the same threadbare ways. But I applaud the author for using symbolism in such a refreshing way to show Twilight that she is the foundation. And it's heart-warming. Then I read GaPJaxie's comment drawing the parallel between Twilight and Celestia which made me push this Fic a little further up my list because of the philosophical value it offered. To clarify, it kept me thinking. I still am. I'm thinking of a cliche in a brand new light. So... Thanks. Marks for originality!

Overall despite me not getting super invested in this one, it really deserves a lot of credit for what it is, and I cannot deny its quality. Regardless of my personal preference. Well done, mate!

>>TIAS_A1927
I'm left with too many questions to be bullish on this story. Is Luna words words words betraying Equestria? If so, why? If not, what's going on?

It's fine to use characters in a non-canon way, but there needs to be explanation if you do. This is totally out of character with not enough of a clue provided.

>>FanOfMostEverything
I know. :twilightsmile: I'm not anime though! I just like cuddling adorable naked ponies.

:pinkiesmile:

Okay, this was nice. The dialogue feels very natural, and so forth. CMC’s sexuality is not a brand new concept, but this take smacks of authenticity.

So, since I don't think AIDS is a horse thing, what would be a condom used for? Contraception? Couldn't that be achieved by magical means?

In any case, this was as scrumptious as the coffee AJ sips from. Well done! Right at the top of my slate. Would be first, if it wasn't for the lacking connection with the prompt.

I suppose you intentionally hid from us that they were fillies in order to manage some sort of twist. However, this muddles the story somewhat. At first, you think they are adults. Next, and I ended up believing that because it was the only explanation that made sense to me, it seems they are playing a game between fillies, while Starswirl is some sort of private instructor, and someone else is in command. I just discarded entirely the crowd as fancy in the fillies' mind.

That the scene could be real inasmuch as Celestia and Luna are actually ruling is beyond the pale for me. Even IRL it never happened, and an adult was appointed as a regent.

The end feels a bit rushed, and the resolution is predictable. Needs additional work to live up to its potential.

---

END OF MY SLATE! :P

>>Monokeras
There are other STDS than HIV/AIDS

>>Syeekoh
Do they affect horses?

>>Monokeras
I'm pretty sure horses have their own host of STDs without bringing zoonosis into the fray.

I suppose the guide knew the secret and simply integrated the Princesses in his description. The story is really missing a reason for the ending, something that I suspect you couldn't put in the strict word-limit.

The concept is workable and has potentiality but, while your writing here was strong, it lacked a bit of color to tell us how the ponies see the pre-revolutionary Equestria. I have a history book from the late DDR (or GDR for you English speaking folks) about Germany in the 17th century. Even if most of it refers to episodes and facts that precede the rise of capitalism and comunism, you can still "read" the political tone used in it. It's something all-pervading, choices of words, which facts are pointed out and which are glossed over, it tells a lot about the government under which it was written. I think that is something you are missing in your story.

Make it more coherent, give us a reason for the ending and you have something interesting and potentially deep.

An interesting concept that need some reworking.

>>Orbiting_kettle
I agree that the tone doesn’t fit the characters. That line is hillarious, though. A reworking as Orbiting_kettle suggested may help.

As a quick bit of humorous fancy, this is fine. Perhaps the core idea can be expanded to a Tartarian spa for villains past and present? Club Meph, perhaps?

Good Lord does Celestia sound bitter here.

Oddly enough, this reminds me a bit of RealityCheck's writing style-and I don't mean that in a derogatory way.

It's the...disregard and minimization of Mrs. Harshwhinny's motivations that rubs me the wrong way the hardest.

This is a cute little tale. I enjoyed it.