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Page Two
The thick square of parchment appeared in a puff of green fire, just a few inches above the tabletop. Princess Luna plucked it from the air with her magic before it could drift onto the combat map.
"It has heft," commented Luna.
"Your highness?" General Firefly stood watching, her wings at attention. Aside from the princess and the general, the situation room was empty. All remaining senior staff were pinned to the battlefield.
In most cases, literally.
Luna placed the parchment onto the smooth surface of the table, temporarily cancelling the holoprojection spell. A pictorial representation of Equestria wasn't particularly useful at the moment. It was easy enough to remember the cities that hadn't fallen.
The princess rubbed her sore left temple with an ankle. "I refer to the missive from my sister, General. The material is heavy, and appears to have survived a fire," she said, gesturing toward the paper. It had a mottled sepia tone, and it looked burnt around the edges. Luna squinted. "The color makes it difficult to read in this light."
"It must have been burned in transit," suggested Firefly.
Luna shook her head. "The dragonfire spell does not work in that manner," she said, and ran the tip of her hoof across the smooth, darkened writing surface. "Never before have I seen paper of this quality. It must be an ancient form of parchment, one designed to withstand the elements. It would seem my sister wishes to preserve what she has written here for future generations."
It was a rare and humbling experience for the princess to lay hoof upon something older than herself, and she had the uncanny sense she was doing so right now.
Firefly noisily cleared her throat and toed at the floor.
"My apologies, General," said Luna, snapping back to attention. "I shall read it aloud."
Two confused faces stared at the paper.
"Wait for the second half?" said General Firefly. "The page she sent you is mostly blank."
Luna's brow knitted together. "She knows I am stationed in the safest stronghold in all of Equestria. Nothing she sends to this room can fall into enemy hooves," said Luna. "The second part must be a large map, or perhaps a spell."
"We already know where to find Scorpan—" the general began to say.
Another puff of green flame, and the second sheet appeared. It looked just like the previous one. Luna yanked it down to the surface of the table with her magic.
"What does it say?" asked General Firefly.
There were only three words on the page. Luna spoke them aloud, but she used a tone of voice that made the tiny statement sound like a question.
"That is all?" said Luna, her voice rising with frustration. "What in Tartarus does Celestia mean with this cryptic nonsense?"
Princess Luna lifted both parchments up into the air to examine them more closely, side by side. Then she heard a soft choking sound coming from across the table. In the space between the two pages, Luna could see General Firefly's face. The general wore an expression that Luna had never before witnessed on a senior officer. She was frozen in a state of shock.
"General Firefly, are you all right?" asked Luna.
The general leaned to one side of the table and vomited onto the floor.
Princess Luna flipped both pieces of parchment over and gasped, then shut her eyes tightly and released her magic grasp. The two papers fell quietly onto the table. Luna waited a few moments before opening her eyes.
"Do not bother cleaning the mess," she said to the general. "Prepare my chariot for departure as soon as you are able." Luna trotted briskly out of the room. General Firefly gasped, wiped the sick from her chin with a greave, and followed her liege.
Resting gently on the table lay two patches of cooked hide, an unmistakeable royal sun emblazoned upon each one.
"It has heft," commented Luna.
"Your highness?" General Firefly stood watching, her wings at attention. Aside from the princess and the general, the situation room was empty. All remaining senior staff were pinned to the battlefield.
In most cases, literally.
Luna placed the parchment onto the smooth surface of the table, temporarily cancelling the holoprojection spell. A pictorial representation of Equestria wasn't particularly useful at the moment. It was easy enough to remember the cities that hadn't fallen.
The princess rubbed her sore left temple with an ankle. "I refer to the missive from my sister, General. The material is heavy, and appears to have survived a fire," she said, gesturing toward the paper. It had a mottled sepia tone, and it looked burnt around the edges. Luna squinted. "The color makes it difficult to read in this light."
"It must have been burned in transit," suggested Firefly.
Luna shook her head. "The dragonfire spell does not work in that manner," she said, and ran the tip of her hoof across the smooth, darkened writing surface. "Never before have I seen paper of this quality. It must be an ancient form of parchment, one designed to withstand the elements. It would seem my sister wishes to preserve what she has written here for future generations."
It was a rare and humbling experience for the princess to lay hoof upon something older than herself, and she had the uncanny sense she was doing so right now.
Firefly noisily cleared her throat and toed at the floor.
"My apologies, General," said Luna, snapping back to attention. "I shall read it aloud."
Manehattan has fallen but for a few pockets of resistance. I have done what is necessary to prevent Tirek from draining my magic, and I remain hidden. I lack the strength to mount another attack.
Luna, you must approach Scorpan and beg for his aid. When he sees the horrors his brother has wrought, perhaps his heart will soften and he will elect to join forces with Harmony. Act now, but please wait for the second half to arrive before leaving the bunker.
Two confused faces stared at the paper.
"Wait for the second half?" said General Firefly. "The page she sent you is mostly blank."
Luna's brow knitted together. "She knows I am stationed in the safest stronghold in all of Equestria. Nothing she sends to this room can fall into enemy hooves," said Luna. "The second part must be a large map, or perhaps a spell."
"We already know where to find Scorpan—" the general began to say.
Another puff of green flame, and the second sheet appeared. It looked just like the previous one. Luna yanked it down to the surface of the table with her magic.
"What does it say?" asked General Firefly.
There were only three words on the page. Luna spoke them aloud, but she used a tone of voice that made the tiny statement sound like a question.
Good luck, Sister.
"That is all?" said Luna, her voice rising with frustration. "What in Tartarus does Celestia mean with this cryptic nonsense?"
Princess Luna lifted both parchments up into the air to examine them more closely, side by side. Then she heard a soft choking sound coming from across the table. In the space between the two pages, Luna could see General Firefly's face. The general wore an expression that Luna had never before witnessed on a senior officer. She was frozen in a state of shock.
"General Firefly, are you all right?" asked Luna.
The general leaned to one side of the table and vomited onto the floor.
Princess Luna flipped both pieces of parchment over and gasped, then shut her eyes tightly and released her magic grasp. The two papers fell quietly onto the table. Luna waited a few moments before opening her eyes.
"Do not bother cleaning the mess," she said to the general. "Prepare my chariot for departure as soon as you are able." Luna trotted briskly out of the room. General Firefly gasped, wiped the sick from her chin with a greave, and followed her liege.
Resting gently on the table lay two patches of cooked hide, an unmistakeable royal sun emblazoned upon each one.
I really enjoyed this and am quite envious of its quality. It's very well-written, and the idea stands out--in a good way, I promise.
This felt like one of the more complete entries I read. And critique is kind of... well, I don't have a whole lot. As I said, loved the concept (though if I have something minor... I didn't really see the direct link to the prompt), the characterization was excellent; more so in their actions than their dialogue, and the descriptions were just... great. I really did enjoy this fic, and I can't say a whole lot else. Um... but if there was one thing to say was I guess it the general throwing up was sort of arbitrary. Like, he felt sick, he was under pressure, got that, just vomiting was sudden. Which, I guess works for this story. And makes sense since you really never expect to feel sick... it just happens.
Honestly, I can't really think of anything, and I really shouldn't try either. I loved it! Great job! Not flawless, of course, but very, very well done.
This felt like one of the more complete entries I read. And critique is kind of... well, I don't have a whole lot. As I said, loved the concept (though if I have something minor... I didn't really see the direct link to the prompt), the characterization was excellent; more so in their actions than their dialogue, and the descriptions were just... great. I really did enjoy this fic, and I can't say a whole lot else. Um... but if there was one thing to say was I guess it the general throwing up was sort of arbitrary. Like, he felt sick, he was under pressure, got that, just vomiting was sudden. Which, I guess works for this story. And makes sense since you really never expect to feel sick... it just happens.
Honestly, I can't really think of anything, and I really shouldn't try either. I loved it! Great job! Not flawless, of course, but very, very well done.
>>ChappedPenguinLips
I understand that he trhow up though because, the "parchment" where the messages were wrote, were in fact made of animal flesh: though I'm not sure if from Celestia itself of other animal, neither why.
I understand that he trhow up though because, the "parchment" where the messages were wrote, were in fact made of animal flesh: though I'm not sure if from Celestia itself of other animal, neither why.
The material is heavy, and appears to have survived a fire,"
Never before have I seen paper of this quality. It must be an ancient form of parchment,
Princess Luna flipped both pieces of parchment over and gasped,
Resting gently on the table lay two patches of cooked hide, an unmistakeable royal sun emblazoned upon each one.
>>TIAS_A1927
I'm thinking that the measures Celestia took to prevent Tirek from absorbing her magic if he found her was to remove her cutie marks, in the short term at least. Probably the reasoning is that since the cutie marks disappear when he absorbs a pony's magic(at least that's what I think happens), they act as a form of conduit. She wrote the messages on her own skin. That's why Luna felt the "parchment" was older than her.
I'm thinking that the measures Celestia took to prevent Tirek from absorbing her magic if he found her was to remove her cutie marks, in the short term at least. Probably the reasoning is that since the cutie marks disappear when he absorbs a pony's magic(at least that's what I think happens), they act as a form of conduit. She wrote the messages on her own skin. That's why Luna felt the "parchment" was older than her.
>>Crimmar
It makes sense. I thought it was Celestia's skin, I just didn't make the conecction between cutie marks and magics.
It makes sense. I thought it was Celestia's skin, I just didn't make the conecction between cutie marks and magics.
Interesting, certainly, though it does heavily depend on an extrapolation of pony biology that hasn’t been made clear in the show. The removal of the marked dermis isn’t necessarily equivalent to Starlight Glimmer’s cutie mark removal spell, which does no physical harm, or the fading seen as a symptom of total magical endowment in another. You may be mixing up cause and effect. That said, a little exposition will go a long way in confirming that this is how it works in this particular Equestria. Still, a good portrayal of the desperation seen in Tirek’s first attack… though calling the map a “holoprojection” feels anachronistic. “Illusion” would be more in keeping with the setting.
It won’t take much to optimize this one. I look forward to seeing it.
It won’t take much to optimize this one. I look forward to seeing it.
...Egad, dat azz! :trollestia:
The quality of prose is unmistakable, but the format of the story conveys little actual story for me. It's more like a scene that would need expanding to overcome some of the telliness of the way the background information is presented. But I don't want to be discouraging; there's good potential here with a higher word count.
Tier: Needs Work
The quality of prose is unmistakable, but the format of the story conveys little actual story for me. It's more like a scene that would need expanding to overcome some of the telliness of the way the background information is presented. But I don't want to be discouraging; there's good potential here with a higher word count.
Tier: Needs Work
Page Two — A+ — First impression: Wargames? (+) good tone for the characters, the setting was well-constructed, and the scenario fell into place as it should. Shocking end, but telegraphed enough not to be out of the blue. (-) The emotional impact of the end should have been greater by Luna’s reaction. Instead we have a gasp and a throwup. Fairly weak, considering the supposed impact.
Interesting. I figured a wargame or the like at first. I'm not sure when this is supposed to take place though... Tirek's first rampage, or his second? Because no mention is made of Twilight or Cadence, yet I find it unlikely that Manehattan has been around for a thousand + years... If it's the distant past, then clearly Celestia survived and, well, put herself back together...
Also, while Parchment is animal hide, it's been treated and cured... I would expect it to have a substantially different appearance and texture than her sister's own pelt.... Also, I'd rather expect that a cutie mark is the representation of a pony's magic, not the source of it. Because it that were true, well... I could see the Cutey Mark Crusade going some very dark places. O.o
Also, while Parchment is animal hide, it's been treated and cured... I would expect it to have a substantially different appearance and texture than her sister's own pelt.... Also, I'd rather expect that a cutie mark is the representation of a pony's magic, not the source of it. Because it that were true, well... I could see the Cutey Mark Crusade going some very dark places. O.o
Page Two
This story is a good chance to bring up a discussion point: quibbling.
One could read this and easily complain: parchment takes a long time to make. You can't just rip the skin off a horse, scribble on the back, and send it on its way -- you need to cure it for days, scrape off the hair, stretch it on a rack and dry it. It takes a while. In that light, you could say this story lacks realism.
But that's not the point. Every story, no matter how well crafted, requires some suspension of disbelief. What's important for our reading of this story isn't the process that goes into making parchment, but the willingness of Celestia to literally flay herself in order to prevent Tirek from hurting her ponies. As a device, that works very well.
As for the rest of the story, it's unusual. The main character -- the hero, the ones who makes the important decision and around whom the action is based -- doesn't even appear. It's Celestia who drives the story, even though she only says a few words and they come to us via letter (as it were). But she is the main character here, not Luna or Firefly.
There's not much here to judge in that light, give how little of Celestia we see. Really this story is just the author's way of saying "Here's how much Celestia cares." And that's cool. It's a well-crafted, but very small story.
And stories are allowed to be small. That's not a flaw -- it's a choice.
This story is a good chance to bring up a discussion point: quibbling.
One could read this and easily complain: parchment takes a long time to make. You can't just rip the skin off a horse, scribble on the back, and send it on its way -- you need to cure it for days, scrape off the hair, stretch it on a rack and dry it. It takes a while. In that light, you could say this story lacks realism.
But that's not the point. Every story, no matter how well crafted, requires some suspension of disbelief. What's important for our reading of this story isn't the process that goes into making parchment, but the willingness of Celestia to literally flay herself in order to prevent Tirek from hurting her ponies. As a device, that works very well.
As for the rest of the story, it's unusual. The main character -- the hero, the ones who makes the important decision and around whom the action is based -- doesn't even appear. It's Celestia who drives the story, even though she only says a few words and they come to us via letter (as it were). But she is the main character here, not Luna or Firefly.
There's not much here to judge in that light, give how little of Celestia we see. Really this story is just the author's way of saying "Here's how much Celestia cares." And that's cool. It's a well-crafted, but very small story.
And stories are allowed to be small. That's not a flaw -- it's a choice.
Retrospective: Page Two
This was one of the most controversial stories of the round, and I have no idea why. Some ponies put it at the top of their slate. Other ponies put it at the very bottom. It looks pretty much random across the board. I didn't get a lot of useful feedback, apart from FOME and Cyan finding the premise thin or unrealistic—but the premise (obviously?) isn't the point of the story.
My stories often score across the board with random-seeming rankings. Maybe it's because they're too dark for some ponies, or maybe they're just not very interesting stories.
I regret only having the emotional fortitude to finish one minific this time. If you're curious, the fic I almost finished was about Sombra's Door being Twilight's former reality, but she flips out with enough magic power to rewrite the Universe to suit her plans to become a princess. I showed Morning Sun that one but she didn't care for it. I had a couple of others planned but I'll probably roost on the ideas for a while.
Results aside, I like this story enough that I plan to fix it up (by subtly clarifying that Luna intends to hurry in part to help save Celestia's hide) and post it.
Again, I regret failing to participate more this time around, especially with reviews. I'm not in a good place right now, and I'm hoping ECT will fix all that.
This was one of the most controversial stories of the round, and I have no idea why. Some ponies put it at the top of their slate. Other ponies put it at the very bottom. It looks pretty much random across the board. I didn't get a lot of useful feedback, apart from FOME and Cyan finding the premise thin or unrealistic—but the premise (obviously?) isn't the point of the story.
My stories often score across the board with random-seeming rankings. Maybe it's because they're too dark for some ponies, or maybe they're just not very interesting stories.
I regret only having the emotional fortitude to finish one minific this time. If you're curious, the fic I almost finished was about Sombra's Door being Twilight's former reality, but she flips out with enough magic power to rewrite the Universe to suit her plans to become a princess. I showed Morning Sun that one but she didn't care for it. I had a couple of others planned but I'll probably roost on the ideas for a while.
Results aside, I like this story enough that I plan to fix it up (by subtly clarifying that Luna intends to hurry in part to help save Celestia's hide) and post it.
Again, I regret failing to participate more this time around, especially with reviews. I'm not in a good place right now, and I'm hoping ECT will fix all that.