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Twilight's Excitement Can't Be Contained
Rarity slumped onto a plastic mall bench, her head flopping onto Fluttershy's shoulder. Since there weren't any fainting couches nearby, that would have to do.
From the other side of Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash sighed. "No luck?"
"Not even close. She simply refuses to leave!" groaned Rarity.
"Is it safe to leave her alone in there?" Sunset asked. "At least one of us should probably keep an eye on her."
"Good point," said Rainbow. "You should go check on her."
"Maybe if we all go in, we can sorta herd her out," suggested Applejack.
Pinkie smiled and hopped up from her seat. "Come on, girls! Let's make this into a 'get Twilight out of The Container Store' party!"
"Oh, hi everypony!" Twilight said as her friends approached her. "Look at this one! Imagine all the things you could organize with this!" She reverently held up a clear plastic container with several small drawers in it, her hands visibly trembling.
"Yeah, that's a, um, cool box," Sunset fibbed, scrunching up her nose once Twilight turned back towards the neatly arranged shelves.
"I'll say! And it comes in twelve colors! I could organize these organizers! Hah!" Twilight declared, beaming.
"Twilight darling, is Spike going to be alright all by himself? You've been in our world for at least a few hours now." Rarity did her best to look concerned in case Twilight happened to tear her eyes away from the stackable makeup organizers.
"Nah, he's fine. Dragon-Spike is much more independent than dog-Spike. Besides, my friend Starlight Glimmer is there if he needs anything. I can stay all day!" Twilight continued excitedly browsing as Rainbow mimed strangling her.
Fluttershy gave Rainbow a scolding glare, then said, "What about friendship problems? What if something goes wrong in Ponyville today?"
"You guys worry as much as I do," Twilight laughed. "The pony versions of you are still in my world. If something bad happens, they can take care of it! Ooh, this one is beautiful.."
"That was a good try, sugar cube," Applejack whispered to Fluttershy as Twilight wandered towards a tall stack of plastic boxes.
Pinkie poked her head out from behind the display, snapping Twilight out of her admiration trance. "Hey, there's a super cool party store over by the food court! Want to come check it out with me?"
"But I haven't looked through the laundry section yet!" Twilight countered, pointing to the other side of the store.
"Laundry? You don't even wear clothes!" Rainbow blurted in exasperation. A nearby shopper turned to stare at Rainbow with raised eyebrows. "Er, hose. Pantyhose are uncomfortable, remember? Silly Twilight...heh.."
Applejack stepped closer to Twilight. "Speaking of the food court, that seems like a good place to do some observin', right? Wasn't the point of comin' through the portal to learn more about human behavior?"
"Well, yes, but the mall itself is also worth observing! Ponyville definitely needs a store like this. Malls are great! I mean, this box right here would be perfect for all my bookmarks! And just look at this one!" Twilight took a few steps to her left, stopping in front of an impressively large storage bin. "It's big enough to hold me!"
"Ooh, try to fit inside it!" urged Pinkie. Twilight rolled her eyes and giggled, continuing to gaze lovingly at various containers.
"Good thinking, Pinkie!" Rainbow said quietly. "Once she's inside, you guys hold it closed, I'll buy it, and we can carry her out of here!"
"Rainbow Dash!" hissed Rarity.
"What?" Rainbow said, holding up her hands. "We've tried everything else!"
"Actually, I have one last idea," Sunset admitted. "It won't be very fun for me, but it might get her to leave before the mall closes."
"Whatever it is, please do it! I'm so sick of boxes!" begged Rainbow.
Sunset looked at Rainbow's pleading eyes, breathed deeply, then turned from her friends to scan the shelves for a few seconds. She picked up one of the containers and walked over to Twilight.
"That's a nice one! Are you going to buy it?" asked Twilight.
"Yeah, I just remembered that my pencils are a huge mess."
Twilight's eyes widened. "They are?"
"Mhmm. I should probably go home and organize them," said Sunset.
"O-organize?"
"Yep. Maybe I'll sort them by color.."
"What are we waiting for? Let's go!" cried Twilight, grabbing Sunset by the hand and pulling her towards the register.
"...Her bravery and sacrifice will be remembered," muttered Rainbow solemnly.
From the other side of Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash sighed. "No luck?"
"Not even close. She simply refuses to leave!" groaned Rarity.
"Is it safe to leave her alone in there?" Sunset asked. "At least one of us should probably keep an eye on her."
"Good point," said Rainbow. "You should go check on her."
"Maybe if we all go in, we can sorta herd her out," suggested Applejack.
Pinkie smiled and hopped up from her seat. "Come on, girls! Let's make this into a 'get Twilight out of The Container Store' party!"
"Oh, hi everypony!" Twilight said as her friends approached her. "Look at this one! Imagine all the things you could organize with this!" She reverently held up a clear plastic container with several small drawers in it, her hands visibly trembling.
"Yeah, that's a, um, cool box," Sunset fibbed, scrunching up her nose once Twilight turned back towards the neatly arranged shelves.
"I'll say! And it comes in twelve colors! I could organize these organizers! Hah!" Twilight declared, beaming.
"Twilight darling, is Spike going to be alright all by himself? You've been in our world for at least a few hours now." Rarity did her best to look concerned in case Twilight happened to tear her eyes away from the stackable makeup organizers.
"Nah, he's fine. Dragon-Spike is much more independent than dog-Spike. Besides, my friend Starlight Glimmer is there if he needs anything. I can stay all day!" Twilight continued excitedly browsing as Rainbow mimed strangling her.
Fluttershy gave Rainbow a scolding glare, then said, "What about friendship problems? What if something goes wrong in Ponyville today?"
"You guys worry as much as I do," Twilight laughed. "The pony versions of you are still in my world. If something bad happens, they can take care of it! Ooh, this one is beautiful.."
"That was a good try, sugar cube," Applejack whispered to Fluttershy as Twilight wandered towards a tall stack of plastic boxes.
Pinkie poked her head out from behind the display, snapping Twilight out of her admiration trance. "Hey, there's a super cool party store over by the food court! Want to come check it out with me?"
"But I haven't looked through the laundry section yet!" Twilight countered, pointing to the other side of the store.
"Laundry? You don't even wear clothes!" Rainbow blurted in exasperation. A nearby shopper turned to stare at Rainbow with raised eyebrows. "Er, hose. Pantyhose are uncomfortable, remember? Silly Twilight...heh.."
Applejack stepped closer to Twilight. "Speaking of the food court, that seems like a good place to do some observin', right? Wasn't the point of comin' through the portal to learn more about human behavior?"
"Well, yes, but the mall itself is also worth observing! Ponyville definitely needs a store like this. Malls are great! I mean, this box right here would be perfect for all my bookmarks! And just look at this one!" Twilight took a few steps to her left, stopping in front of an impressively large storage bin. "It's big enough to hold me!"
"Ooh, try to fit inside it!" urged Pinkie. Twilight rolled her eyes and giggled, continuing to gaze lovingly at various containers.
"Good thinking, Pinkie!" Rainbow said quietly. "Once she's inside, you guys hold it closed, I'll buy it, and we can carry her out of here!"
"Rainbow Dash!" hissed Rarity.
"What?" Rainbow said, holding up her hands. "We've tried everything else!"
"Actually, I have one last idea," Sunset admitted. "It won't be very fun for me, but it might get her to leave before the mall closes."
"Whatever it is, please do it! I'm so sick of boxes!" begged Rainbow.
Sunset looked at Rainbow's pleading eyes, breathed deeply, then turned from her friends to scan the shelves for a few seconds. She picked up one of the containers and walked over to Twilight.
"That's a nice one! Are you going to buy it?" asked Twilight.
"Yeah, I just remembered that my pencils are a huge mess."
Twilight's eyes widened. "They are?"
"Mhmm. I should probably go home and organize them," said Sunset.
"O-organize?"
"Yep. Maybe I'll sort them by color.."
"What are we waiting for? Let's go!" cried Twilight, grabbing Sunset by the hand and pulling her towards the register.
"...Her bravery and sacrifice will be remembered," muttered Rainbow solemnly.
A hilarious and endearing slice of life. There needs to be more stories in this vein, especially if the two Twilights ever get caught up in the same adorkable fixation at the same time.
My only complaint is that there’s no clear connection to the prompt. Aside from that? Fantastic.
My only complaint is that there’s no clear connection to the prompt. Aside from that? Fantastic.
There have been:
A lot of good stories this round that I haven't found anything to comment on. Here, I want to single out the author's nice use of the external POV 'cause I find that to be a real hard thing to do well.
Still, I'll agree with >>FanOfMostEverything that this one's got less of a connection to the prompt than the other story I liked but still dinged for it earlier, and if this were any longer or less silly, all the synonyms for "said" would've gotten tiresome. I'd also recommend putting an indication nearer the beginning that this is EqG--maybe Rarity can press the back of her hand to her forehead in the first paragraph or something. Fun, fun, fun.
Mike
A lot of good stories this round that I haven't found anything to comment on. Here, I want to single out the author's nice use of the external POV 'cause I find that to be a real hard thing to do well.
Still, I'll agree with >>FanOfMostEverything that this one's got less of a connection to the prompt than the other story I liked but still dinged for it earlier, and if this were any longer or less silly, all the synonyms for "said" would've gotten tiresome. I'd also recommend putting an indication nearer the beginning that this is EqG--maybe Rarity can press the back of her hand to her forehead in the first paragraph or something. Fun, fun, fun.
Mike
I liked the characterization and the interactions between them; the chemistry felt natural, while still being humorous. Descriptions were sparse, but got the job done.
There wasn't a whole lot of plot, but what there was all fit together. I'll also agree with Baal Bunny that some of the 'said' substitutes were distracting.
Overall, though, it was cute and funny, and after finishing it, looking back at the title made me grin.
There wasn't a whole lot of plot, but what there was all fit together. I'll also agree with Baal Bunny that some of the 'said' substitutes were distracting.
Overall, though, it was cute and funny, and after finishing it, looking back at the title made me grin.
This was fun and honestly something I could relate to when dealing with that friend or family member who fixates on something and won't move on no matter how much you want them to do so.
Okay, this was amusing. Sure, you cranked Twilight's OCD up to... Well, not eleven... Let's call it a solid nine.
The side conversations between the HuMane 6 were what really made this one though. Very in character and well done.
The connection to the prompt is a bit tenuous, but eh. That's a minor ding for me these days, because I can usually figure out some way it fits. (Thought it would have fit quite well if they'd been caught trying ti implement Rainbow's plan!)
All in all, not bad at all! :)
The side conversations between the HuMane 6 were what really made this one though. Very in character and well done.
The connection to the prompt is a bit tenuous, but eh. That's a minor ding for me these days, because I can usually figure out some way it fits. (Thought it would have fit quite well if they'd been caught trying ti implement Rainbow's plan!)
All in all, not bad at all! :)
Some cute interaction, with just enough conflict to glue it together; it works well enough, although it doesn't go past 'kinda cute and silly'.
At the beginning, I couldn't decide if this was EQG or not. Fainting-couch Rarity is a ponyland thing in my head, but then they're at the mall... however, Twilight calls them 'everypony' but then they have hands? It took about a third of the story to clear that up for me, which was a bit off-putting. I'd suggest signaling that sooner, but... this is the sort of thing that would show up in a story description or what, usually. So it's probably fine, outside of the writeoffs.
At the beginning, I couldn't decide if this was EQG or not. Fainting-couch Rarity is a ponyland thing in my head, but then they're at the mall... however, Twilight calls them 'everypony' but then they have hands? It took about a third of the story to clear that up for me, which was a bit off-putting. I'd suggest signaling that sooner, but... this is the sort of thing that would show up in a story description or what, usually. So it's probably fine, outside of the writeoffs.
Funny and slice of life-y. Great character voices. And yet, I feel like it Flanderizes Twilight a bit (if I'm using the word correctly) without delivering a high enough absurdity level to compensate. Still...
Tier: Good Stuff
Tier: Good Stuff