You know somebody's going to do a review of this to the pattern of "The Raven" :)

Twilight should have checked the existing research while in her theory phase before launching into an experiment where the base assumption was flawed. The 1996 Ig Nobel Prize was awarded to Robert Matthews of Aston University, England, for his studies of Murphy's Law, and especially for demonstrating that toast often falls *on* the buttered side.

*However* there were no follow-up experiments done to validate alternate hypothesis, such as "Does toast with butter AND JELLY always fall jam side down" or "Does the relative value of the floor covering under the experiment affect the results" so she still has a chance to validate her infinite energy generating experiment with just a little extra work to stabilize the parameters.

And a different cat.

I abstained from voting because I’m not exceptionally fond of metafics. This would have been interesting if you did something with the meta, but really all this story did was outline the author intentions of a happy ending for all ponies. And like, there wasn’t even one here. The story presented that Twilight and Spike went through was fragmented and contextless. So yeah, I dunno.

>>Posh
I put all my brain power yesterday into doing 2 panels with Vivid Syntax and chasing my kids around the con. I probably made the right choice. But man, it feels weird not being in this one. First pony round that I've missed in a year-plus?

the least offensive of inoffensive horse protagonists, the winged unicorn Twilight Sparkle

heh heh heh.

this one's a bit too snarky and self-aware, without actually having any funny crumbs along the trail. besides the above quoted line which I laughed at.

a dull story told ironically is still dull....

I enjoyed this as a fresh little twist on a common idea. I think what's missing is fully understanding the other side of the deal -- if she doesn't sign it, what does she lose? I don't quite feel the tension, all along I just assumed she'll sign it reluctantly. I don't get to see the other side of the argument, which might tempt her otherwise.

(maybe the title is hinting at the Pink Floyd song for more context, such as the reference to the war. but I always thought those lyrics were too vaguely worded to get a story out of them, so it's probably just inspiration)

I'm disappointed this wasn't a self-insert shipfic.

And there's no way out for us!

Unless you go on a romantic date with the author, Twilight! do it now!

>>Not_A_Hat
>>regidar
>>thisisalongname

I think my esteemed colleagues misread this story. Here's my take on it:

Twilight caught the adulterers, and was filled with rage. So, to not do something to them and to free herself of those feelings, she went to Queen Feral and let her live in exchange of the Queen devouring the anger. Then Twilight returned to Ponyville free of hate, but soon the unintentionally powered up wendigo followed.

This was an interesting read, with a little moral about suppressing problems instead of facing them. Well written and packing some punch. Not sure I would change anything in it.

Thank you for the submission.

I agree that this is pretty solid, and I like what it's going for. However, it's just a little creepy, but not horrifying yet.

This is the kind of story that isn't built on an arc, but a mystery. And the problem here is that everything is kinda already shown. What we see is what we get, and we see Twilight being corrupted. It ends with the cliffhanger, that something bad's about to happen, but that'll just be a repeat of what we already saw. It needs to fit into an earlier idea, something we the audience assumed we understood, but now must reassess with new information. The horror isn't in what we see happening, but by guiding us to put 2 + 2 together and imagine the conclusion. (Basically, the cheap rubber monster suit is scarier when hidden in the shadows than when shown in clear lighting)

there's some potential mysteries here, like who sent the note? or what ultimately happens to these renamed objects, or what if Twilight renames an abstract concept.... I dunno. That's up to the author to figure out. I hope this helps a little.

don't read this immediately after Cymothoa Exigua, it'll put weird ideas in your brain D:

this was really cute. I feel like it needed a little of Apple Bloom or Big Mac's presence, even if a minor background appearance, to really sell the theme. it almost seems like they're ignoring her by being absent.

I've always had difficulties accepting out and out murder and the like in MLP stories (one of the reasons that, while I enjoyed how they didn't shy away from showing it, the fact that they killed the Storm King in the movie didn't sit well with me on a narrative level). There's a tonal dissonance that needs a lot of justification to make it go down well if you're operating in what would otherwise be an alternate timeline for the show (IE FoE). If things are clearly established as being an AU that can also help.

This story doesn't really do either. Sunset has clearly murdered the bearers, drops an F-bomb, and has acid spit. If she was callous enough to murder the bearers rather than lock them up with Celestia, why didn't she just kill her and Luna anyways? I can certainly headcanon reasons for it easily enough, and you sort of touch on it with the pet comment, but it still feels at odds with what she's done and her show counterpart. It's relentlessly Grimdark without really feeling like it's earned that distinction.

All that said, the conversation was written quite well, and you clearly have a strong grasp on descriptive text. I do wish you had played with the words a bit more; a quick re-read didn't reveal any use of simile or metaphor to me, but it was admittedly a skim. I'm not sold on the execution of the story itself, but I can appreciate the care that went into it.

I'm afraid I don't share the sentiment of the previous commenter. I'm not a particularly emotional person and, while I like the idea behind the story, it didn't have the punch to break through to me.

This was in part due to the numerous punctuation misteps and your strange insistence on spacing between dialogue and quotation marks (which you weren't entirely consistent with, either). Admittedly, the problem was exacerbated by the fact that I'm reading on mobile so it messed with the formatting much more than it would on a computer. Overall, solid idea, but it lacks the weight and polish to really stand out for me.

Interesting idea, and Windigoes are criminally underused, but the writing is clunky and lacks refinement. It reads almost like a script instead of a story, especially with those parenthesis.

Nice little fluff piece. I'm turn between thing the wiring is utilarian or purposefully designed to be halting so it reflects Twilight's mental state. Certain 'improper' aspects like the use of '3' instead of 'three' makes me lean towards the former, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it's the latter.

Even though this is nothing more than a shipfic, with an already-established relationship, about nothing more than a hug, this was a lot more fun to read than I expected. It takes these really low stakes and makes it into such a dramatic slow-motion event that's really charming. I love the line where Twilight compares Rainbow to the hawks she's studying.

I didn't like the last section so much, it feels way too direct about what I'm supposed to feel, and seems to boil down a tiny romantic moment into a moral lesson, and it loses some of the charm that's been built up.

I did enjoy this one, despite being a meta story, espacially the beginning and the ending.

The description of the setting felt very familiar, which isn't a surprise since I do have a story in my gdocs starting exactly like this. No wonder why I'm still working on it.

As an """"author"""", this story stings just enough where it hurts without being too violent to be a clever comment on what we do.

However, I feel like the meta is lacking around the middle of the story. After mocking what a non negligeable amount of authors do, the resolution of the story is something you can find in the show, and isn't very specific to fanfictions. I think you have room for two things here: either you continue what you started with the setting (mocking MLP fanfictions tropes), or go back to what you said about people enjoying these stories because they are genuine, without violence, and because they aren't cynical.

As for the ending, this is a good shift in tone, from a distant mockery to include yourself among the bronies. I suggest to be a bit more subtle. Get rid off "I'm so alone" and add more rethorical questions.

Overall, I'm a bit torn on this one. I want it to be more than an honorable mention in my ranking, but, like I said, I feel like it lacks some small things to do really well.
Whatever I'll choose, be assured that you at least won the first half of my slate. I want you in finals.

Structurally, this fic does well. The blinking is a smart concept to convey how different it must be to an immortal being, and it fits perfectly thematically, so that's a big plus for me.
Speaking of theme, I'll just say the main part is consistent from the beginning to the ending (so it's nice).

However, I have some concerns with what you tell between. The whole central part is Celestia drifting in space and into the void. I think this should have been kept for the final part, before going back Twilight.
Here, there is no real progression, we immediately shift from Twilight to the void. Since the show and many fanfictions focus on ponies and their relationships, I believe you'd have fit this theme better by having Celestia talking with different other ponies several times, the faces becoming blurry and undiscernible, and then having the drifitng into the void part. Moreover, I think it'd have helped your reader connect with Celestia better, because even if we aren't immortal, we tend to meet a lot of people in our life, and many of them will disappear from our memory, ending into an emptiness.

Overall, a strong story that I feel could be improved by just some minor reworks. Thank you for sharing.

grim and post-apocalyptic Equestria with edgy main characters! nah I'm not knocking it for that, I think this fic accomplishes exactly what it intended to deliver. I really liked the frozen ruins contrasted with the magical fire technology thingy the characters are using. and the descriptions of the ponies at the end carries a lot of weight with just a few words.

At times I thought maybe it'd go too much into fancy description, or ye olde lore, but I have to give it full credit for feeling so complete. the descriptions and explanations are balanced just enough to paint the picture of what happened here, without slowing down the actual plot going on. There's an epic atmosphere, which is difficult to fit in a 750-word minific without feeling like some corners had to be cut.... but I'm impressed that this one manages to hide whatever surgical scars it bears. As far as I can tell, nothing's lacking (at least until I get to see the author's retrospective of all the fun stuff that unfortunately had to be cut)

this is such a (typographical) mess that I find it almost endearing. It sorta works if you read it out loud. like a small child wrote this in crayons.

doesn't seem finished though. what happened to the castle? when does this take place? why won't Celestia build a snowman with Luna?!

>>Not_A_Hat
Unless the horn isn't a bone, and thus, would have turned to dust if it was a real skeleton. :P

Overall, the idea is quite good but the execution lacks something. Maybe it comes from what >>Bachiavellian mentioned. Thus, the resolution feels a bit weak, not because of what is delivered but rather how it is delivered.

This is so surreal and absurd and unusual, and I love it.

I guess that's the problem, I can't objectively analyze it because I'm biased toward... whatever this is. I enjoy it because it's so different and alien from anything I could think up, so how could I offer any suggestions without tainting that? I know it's probably not perfect, but it gets my heart's vote.

do you find it odd that we have an author named "cold in gardez," a writeoff prompt called "cold comfort," and not a single person thought to combine these two elements

>>Posh

I'm quite happy with that state of affairs.

I haven't commented on write-off entries in a long time. I'm not voting a slate, so don't think that my comments will reflect anything about how a story should finish. I'm only picking out some titles that caught my eye for whatever reason.

I figured out about a quarter of the way through how to decipher the hidden message here, but I won't repeat it, since Quill's already written it out. I didn't bother solving the title, but Quill has that, too.

This is a very clever entry. It's also precisely the wrong kind of thing to do in a minific. Why's that?

For one thing, minifics are meant to be something you breeze through yet get a lasting impression from. There are people who will disagree with that, but I'm mostly through reading a highly recommended book on flash fiction, and this is a point all the various (award-winning) essayists agree on. So when I have to realize the spelling errors are intentional, read the story once to just absorb its narrative, then spend another 10 minutes piecing out the missing/wrong letters, you've already pulled me out of the whole point of enjoying a minific.

Look, I get the idea that this is why poetry doesn't always do well as minifics, and on at least this aspect of it, I agree with this point, and only this point, with poetry's detractors. If you write something that takes a while to digest and figure out, then don't be surprised when it doesn't hold up well to minifics that do make their meaning quickly apparent. Poetry can be beautiful and still have a clear narrative going on. It doesn't have to be deep stuff that takes a while to mull over.

That said, even the surface-level poetry could be good here. The rhymes are nice. There's no rhythm, but there isn't intended to be any. But everything's so vague that I don't really know what happened. Even knowing the title and hidden message changes nothing, aside from knowing who one of the characters is. But leaving it that vague fights another thing that all these published flash fiction writers agree on: the purpose of these kinds of stories is to surprise in some way, and the only surprise here is the mechanism of the puzzle itself, not something in the story.

So while I don't agree that poetry has no place in the minific rounds, I do think certain kinds of poetry are far better suited to it, and this isn't one. Ah, but not even the prose stories will necessarily follow those tenets of good flash fiction, so that might not be as much of a handicap. But still, the story here is vague enough that it's hard to assign any meaning to it, and you're left with the gimmick itself as the only memorable thing.

This would be wonderful as part of a longer work that provided all the necessary context.

This is a bit tough. Several of the haiku are very pleasant, but a lot of them are also inconsequential. This might have been better if you limited it to the significant ones than forcing yourself to come up with one for every day. It's all pretty much slice-of-life fluff until we get to the 10th, which is still SoL, but with wonderful imagery. The 12th suggests a lot larger story than it actually says, and the overarching autumn theme is merely an incidental detail here than the central thing. And that's what makes it so good. More like this one, please! I don't understand the 13th. The 14th and 15th couldn't be less significant or evocative of imagery. The 16th is pretty ho-hum. Then the 17th is wonderful again. This lovely personification, and it takes on an even more literal sense, given that Fluttershy can understand the crow. Then back to blase. The 18th is a nice enough image that dog owners will like, the 19th feels like pointless fan service.

That's just to pick out a stretch. The last one is a nice characterization of Fluttershy. There's more of a diary feel to this whole story, like she just wrote out whatever mundane stuff happened to her that day. There isn't an overall narrative, just a sense that there's a march of time happening, so while it's unified, it's not in a way that makes a point. But it doesn't have deeply hidden meaning, so it's at least the kind of poetry that is more comparable to prose flash fiction. The title feels like it's trying to be a haiku as well, but it's got an extra syllable. Unless you say "poems" as one, I guess.

Cute. There's nothing past the fluff, but it doesn't aspire to be anything except fluff, so there's no failure of ambition. Not bad.

Seems to be kind of an amalgam of "The Telltale Heart" and "The Raven." I'm not sure the latter is necessary, as it draws in another character, one who's (heh) a direct witness at that, so it kind of undermines the "Telltale Heart" material. The narrative voice sounds pretty sophisticated for Dash, but you can get some license for trying to make it sound more like Poe. The ending could use some more convincing information on why Owlowiscious is this intimidated. Does he know Dash to be someone who will carry out this threat? Could she do so before he told? Would nobody he told be able to protect him? I'm not even sure why Dash doesn't go ahead and eliminate the witness. The ending also departs from either Poe tale, and not to do something that makes a statement by doing so. I think the parallel holds pretty well until that point, though. The title's a mixed bag; it's a clever play on words, but as someone else has already said, it invites comparisons to a very good writer. Not a bad effort, though.

I had a discussion with Cassius about this, and I'm in agreement that either his or Gardez's interpretation could be supported by the facts. I tend to hew closer to Gardez's. It sounds to me like this kid is a pony/changeling hybrid whose powers are just now developing. One of the parents was a changeling and didn't know the kid would turn out this way, but as to which one, I don't know. The dad might be, and he ran off since he'd be discovered, or possibly he was actually taken into custody. The mom might be, and that's why she had to leave her job. Once the dad realized she was, he left. Or possibly both are ponies, and the dad was temporarily replaced by a changeling who got the mom pregnant, and now he realizes it's not his kid. The mom reacts as if she knows what's happening, but she doesn't tell Blinky, because she's either afraid of what he'll turn into or doesn't have the heart to tell him he's going to die. There are a lot of viable options here, but while the story's long on setting them up, it leaves the reader to do the work of assigning stakes to those outcomes, and that's really what's needed to have an effective open ending. I can come up with plenty of scenarios where this turns out well for all involved, and the story doesn't bias me away from that, either in eliminating those possibilities or painting them as exceedingly unlikely. So while it sets up an interesting conflict, it's not following through with any sort of resolution, even an indeterminate one. Not giving an explicit direction isn't the same thing as not even giving weight to the various possibilities. That left this story feeling more like it stopped than ended to me, and I have to agree with Cassius that immediately dropping Winky from the story is a mistake. There are a lot of interesting things you could have done with her, but if you're not going to do anything, then leave her out altogether and save that word count for something else.

The one thing leaning me back toward Cassius's interpretation is the choice of title and the related specific mention of a tongue early in the story, though that could be meant more as a metaphor than a literal thing.

It's definitely memorable, and that's half the point. I'm somewhere between Cassius and Gardez in how much I liked it.

This is as far down the gallery as I've looked, and I don't know if I'll get to any more. This just feels kind of too vague for its own good. Given the title, I assume the blank space in the middle of the story is supposed to mean something, but I didn't get much from it, other than generic lapses in memory. You're an adherent to "the scariest monster is the one you never see," but without any sort of indication of what this monster is capable of, it's hard to feel any dread of it. And then she does see it, which mostly removes the "she's going crazy" possibility. Does it steal memories? It's hard to say. Not all of her former associates are gone; they just don't remember her or their former lives, so it's unclear how dangerous this monster is. If they're perfectly happy, who's to say they're any worse off? Having memory taken is a bad thing on principle, but besides the obvious violation, there doesn't seem to be anything actually bad going on.

You have a good premise, albeit one that's been done enough before, but it's not being applied in the most effective way.

>>Not_A_Hat
Objection! We know that from the second pararaph!

her eyes tracing the crooked lines of her little bedroom's wooden ceiling

If Starlight was in Twi's castle, it would be a crystal ceiling.

It was the same boring ceiling,

With this, we know Starlight isn't in a vacation (unless it's very long one and she sleeps at the same place every night)

Lash out at Celestia, for taking him away to her school.[...] Lash out at Sunburst for forgetting her.

If we were after Starlight's reformation, she wouldn't be mad at both Celestia and Sunburst.
I'm done; *mic drops*

As for the rest, I will agree with >>Not_A_Hat. The emotions are conveyed nicely and the ending is heartwarming. Even if it still left me with some questions, this story did good for me. Thank you for sharing.

>>Fenton
I thought it was obvious based on the author drawing attention to the mare on the moon. Lunas face disappeared off the moon when she was released.

Count me with the others, the story is predictable, but the execution still left pleasure to read and finish it.

>>thisisalongname

Like they had a vendetta against not native English speakers.

I can't speak for the others, but since we have a written version of the poem and not an audio one, it's easier to figure things out. Moreover, most of them are pretty easy to understand.

In fact, I believe that this last part is meant to be gentle with non native speakers and people reluctant to decipher a story among the verses. It adds just enough meat to reread the poem and find out what this is all about. Maybe poetry fans will be a bit disappointed by this "cheap" tactic, but I want to praise you for not leaving us in the blue.

I'll let the professionals tell you if your rhyme is on spot or off. As for the story, a big yes.

Real cute.

But like Haze said, it could use at least a little bit of Apple Bloom and Big Mac. I realize you're limited in words, so maybe include them if you ever expand it.

Tier: Keep Developing.

All the meta. I did enjoy this one, actually, but it could use some polishing up.

For example, that ending line just doesn't fit the mood of the story. It's meta, and making fun of tropes, then... author has no friends.

Tier: Pretty good.

So... Rainbow Dash misses Tank so much she's decided to commit suicide by sitting and reading a book in weather so cold it apparently even freezes pegasi? Dang. That's a pretty serious reaction to hibernation.

While the premise is okay, I think it's also a bit overblown. I mean, she's in a blizzard. How is she supposed to read in a blizzard? The pages would be trying to flap around, snow would be building up on them, visibility would be crummy, her hooves would be shaking like crazy, the list goes on and on. I get that this is Rainbow Dash and she's not prone to making smart decisions (especially since it seems the show writers can't take her seriously under any circumstances), but this feels a bit extreme even for her. I don't feel sympathetic and I don't get any warm feelings, all I get is a sense that this is a spectacularly bad idea even by RD standards.


Again, not a bad idea, but maybe the weather could have been toned down a notch.

Despite not being nearly as gory or traumatizing, this reminds me of the infamous "Cupcakes" - where even telling a dark story about murder has this whimsical nature about it. because ponies. (not referring to Cupcakes' plot, but all the random jokes and puns it uses) And that's something I appreciate, rather than trying to straight-up emulate Poe himself, and showing off how you can 100% imitate his style and atmosphere and such because you've studied it so much.... Basically, instead of a Poe fanfic that happens to have ponies in it, I'd rather have a pony fanfic that includes a few broad references to Poe and leaves it at that. I like this fic's approach, and it's what I want more of.

This reminds me of a lengthy debate made in a previous Writeoff round's story about the value of doing things unconventionally vs. the value of a story being easy to read. This definitely dances on the thin edge of acceptability, and whether it tipped too far one way or the other is up for debate.

As mentioned by some already, the concept is about as original as dirt. Yet I haven't seen it done in this way, so that helps some.

I like the overall concept, but the story feels as though it has no idea what it wants to be. Philosophical conundrums on a bug's life? A bitter, dark tale of a paranoid pony running for his life? A cutesy wootsy story about being nice to little animals? A wilderness survivor's guide? I have no idea.

What were you going for, author?

>>Cassius
Objection!
AndrewRogue isn't the only OctaScratch shipper. Therefore, he shouldn't be considered as its first representative!
...
...
...
Yeah, this is totally Andrew's fic. You beat me, Andrew, I'm defeated. You shall be the official OctaScratch shipper. Especially since you've managed to produce an engaging and heart-warming story.
Nice one.

This story took too long to hook me, I was a little bored until the end of the 6th paragraph. And I think the arc is playing it too coy, hinting at little details like passing on the burden, or the narrator's real identity, but it's all obfuscated. I felt frustrated rather than intrigued, like it's just teasing me.

I do admire the tone of this fic, it all feels like a unnervingly silent scene, with little creaks or whimpers around the edges.

A metered poem with the wordplay of a slam poem. I like this. I like this a lot—especially with the last section. Before reading that, I assumed this was a poem written by Discord to Luna.

Count me among the ones not totally enamoured by this story. I really like the idea—that all of Trixie's lies have come back to haunt her, now in a much more personal way—but the only time I felt any lasting emotion (tension and anxiety, in this case) were the two lines when it seemed like Trixie was about to confess. Other than that, it's just there. Good, but nothing that blows me away.

Oh, god, I thought the apples were growing out of her back.

After the mystery was built up for so long, the reveal feels anti-climactic.

As everyone knows, I'm a fan of experimental work, and a fan of poetry. But I'm not a fan of this experimental poem, for all the reasons that >>Haze and >>Pascoite have already explained.

My favorite so far of the competition, and likely top slater for the rest of the round. This knows exactly what it wants to be, and accomplishes it with aplomb—although I wouldn't hate to see some of the haikus delve deeper into Fluttershy's emotional state. I'd love to see one for every month of the year.

My only question is about the title... it's one syllable too long to be its own haiku. That said, while I'm assuming it's meant to be a reference to the classic "refrigerator as last haiku line" joke, I'm choosing to believe that all these haikus are being posted up on Fluttershy's fridge, as her own calendar-in-process.



(My personal favorites were Oct 7, Oct 13 [which I would move to later in the piece], and Oct 17. I'm thinking of doing a reading of this)

Put me in the >>Whitbane Whitbane camp of feeling that the ending feels out of place. We go from ha ha ex-girlfriend style humor to DARKNESS (imprisoning me, all that I see, absolute horror) at the drop of a hat, and it doesn't feel like it really gels well together? It isn't the most jarring thing I've ever read, but it just doesn't feel like a particularly great flow either.

To that end I also find myself kinda scratching my head at the last line. Like, it feels like it is supposed to be profound and meaningful, but it kinda registers to me as a non-sequitur. Maybe I'm tired or stupid, but I just don't really see what the line is actually trying to say or, if I do, how it relates back to anything previously built up towards.

Waking Twilight's reaction compared to dream Twilight's seems... odd. She appears to be effectively lucid dreaming once the Nightmare encroaches, so her reaction to it AFTER she awakens feels misplaced. If it isn't true lucid dreaming, then that actually removes the impact from the second dream scene, as Twilight isn't actually an active participant and just awakens exasperated, in theory.

Still. Cute idea and all around competent prose. Just needs a little streamlining in structure, IMO.

I see what you did there.

Anyhow, as pointed out, your structuring with dialogue is a bit weird, as per >>Dolfeus Doseux. You also break Twilight's dialogue into two paragraphs inappropriately at least once.

Your perspective is a bit weird and it never quite settles. You end solidly in Spike viewpoint, but you start in a more ambiguous place, and certainly drift into Twilight viewpoint a couple times. It isn't broad enough for me to really call it omniscient, but it isn't limited enough to be limited! Settle on that a bit more.

That said, that is indicative of a larger issue, which is the traditional mini issue of SCENE, NOT STORY (Trademark pending). We start and end in the same place, learning nothing new, and nothing changing. It is definitely a cute scene, but that is really all it is. An isolated conversation. A random moment in time.

Still, a cute take on the prompt and some decent banter.

It's a sweet sentiment, I suppose, but the writing never grabbed me. Solid mechanically, but somewhat dull in terms of style and substance. I will admit, I was half expecting it to turn into some sort of horror story a la Wayside School, if you happen to be familiar with the apples from that.

Strong, evocative writing with a decent bit of banter. My only complaint, and it's a minor one, is that it didn't feel particularly substantial, but I'll chalk that up to the limits of the format we have to work with. Overall, I felt like it was a decent piece to read, and would like to see something of a series like this (the villain's support group meetups, of a sort).

The start was fairly engaging, but once Twilight went to speak to Celestia it felt rather plodding and ho-hum. I feel like it would have been better if Twilight had just taken things at face value and actually followed through with her funeral preperations.

As the others say, the tonal shift somewhat hampers the story's impact. I like the concept and can chalk up most of the issues with running out of word space, but it might have been better to chop off the opening scene and cut to Celestia revealing her secret to Luna. The description for Luna's laugh got a chuckle out of me, though.

I agree with >>Not_A_Hat, the cockroach thing really confused me at first (ZIrcon is not even a very pony-sounding name).
The beginning is slow and I only felt engaged when we first meet the furry creatures.

‘Paranoia’ was just a word used to describe living ponies

Shouldn't it be 'Paranoid' to describe ponies? You use paranoid right in the next sentence.

Another thing that really bugs me is the finale. In two lines, something happens and then immediately almost the opposite. Mama monster triggers the tripwire and you expect some kind of trap to kill her. Instead we see Zircon running for his life.
Adding just one line between the two would do the job, showing that Zircon set a trap but it's not very effective and it just pisses off the monster even more.

Overall not a bad story, but nothing impressive for me.

You know, I really like the idea of feeding a windego one's anger or other negative emotions to be relieved of them, a sort of Deal-with-the-Devil thing. However, Twilight being shipped with Rarity so that way she could in turn cheat with Spike felt somewhat clunky. Personally, I would have gone with Luna, Starlight Glimmer or Tempest since they have good enough reasons to desire abandoning their old anger without the need of stretching romances.

Interesting attempt, but it didn't feel like you went far enough into the realm of poetry and instead flinched before making the jump. That said, the writing is still strong and evocative, it just feels a little too thin, if that makes sense. There isn't enough binding from line to line.

Also, I assume this is Starlight narrating after having that spat with Trixie a little after they first met.

The first three paragraphs got me really interested. But right then is when I expected some more clarity on what's happening, but it doesn't reveal much. And then it throws me into the middle section, really throwing me into confusion when I wanted to know more about what was happening in the hook. The crucial info doesn't get revealed until even later, but I actually missed that line, and was surprised that every other commenter read something into this that I missed. My fault on that one, though. Anyway, this is a story that requires multiple readings.

My first impression on the middle section was seeing it being more metaphorical than literal events, not a flashback but maybe some internal struggle. I'm not sure. It's a fascinating twist, and I think I get the message of the story, but I think I don't really feel the emotion. Possibly because it took that extra bit of work to understand the conflict going on.

I find the situation a little off because Twilight and Spike have more of a familial bond than merely "best friends", but maybe others feel differently.

I appreciate that this exists, and I admire the care and effort that went into creating it. To fully enjoy the cryptography, I believe I would have to copy it out by hand and puzzle through it that way. To fully understand and appreciate the poem itself, I would have to read a clean copy without the puzzle. It's an interesting exercise. It's cleverly constructed, though at times I found certain word choices broke the flow of my reading almost as much as the coded letters.

Mostly what get from this is the overarching tone of remorse and sorrow. That comes through even in a broken reading. This is the first entry on my slate and I may or may not abstain on it, as I can't give it the full attention it requires yet. Thanks for writing, author.

I believe Celestia passed away instead of simply passed.

Overall, I feel like this story aimed for a big and interesting conflict between Applejack and Twilight, but unfortunately, since the setting is not the one from the show, you had to spend words describing it, which left you with left room when it came down to the actual dialogue between the two friends. Thus, their conversation lacks some subtlety, like Twilight blunlty calling out AJ's stubborness.

However, that last line (I’m only human) is effective, and that's the kind of subtlety I'm talking about. You don't need to have AJ explaining what this sentence means, just have her react to it and let your reader understand what it going on.

Thanks for sharing.

Even though I usually dislike haiku, I think I'm liking this more as I keep re-reading it.

I don't know how to judge the form besides syllables, but these are fun to read and nicely fit Fluttershy's voice. I think it might be my favorite approach to the prompt this round (and the unwritten prompts of Halloween and October), because it doesn't overstate the "cold comfort" but suggests it subtly. And some of the poems suggest characters and personalities without even having to say their names. Put all together, it's gentle but lonely.

Since we're picking favorites: I liked 11, 20, and 30 the most.

So far this might be my top pick this round, just because it pulls me so deep in that nostalgic autumn mood. and I'm pleasantly surprised that it's a poetry entry affecting me like this (I don't hate em, but I don't especially love them either). Thanks for writing this!


P.S. "poem" is only 1 syllable, you heathens! (actually I didn't even notice that about the title until they pointed it out)

quite a chilling horror story, though I feel that it's a bit incomplete. I'm not sure, maybe I expected like something terrible to come back around to the sister, or something. It feels almost like an incomplete loose end, though I wouldn't know for sure without hearing the author's intentions directly. Maybe later, after the round.

My interpretation here is on the side that it's a parasite, and Blinky isn't originally a changeling. However, I think a lot of the horror comes from the characters immediately jumping to the conclusion that it's the latter, without understanding the former possibility at all. and maybe that's what this story needs just a little more of, a stronger hint of impending disaster or doom, that the frightened, ignorant ponies are about to hit him with. This story is juuuust about almost there, to a fully satisfying thrill.

As a side note, I'm not so sure that the father left because of adultery like the others say. After all, he's an earth pony born to a pegasus family, so it seems to be a few years too late to get mad about that. (unless all ponies have some convoluted family tree explanation like with the Cake's twins (but if she was tricked by a changeling, surely he'd understand it wasn't intentional, because that's the whole thing changelings do?))

Very powerful imagery. The sequence goes on a little too long.... which may be exactly the correct choice. it keeps going on and on, until it's uncomfortable. it's too much. overwhelming.

as it "returns to Earth" for the conclusion, I assumed that this would be a similar message as Bad Horse's The Gathering. but the details of the scene Celestia returns to are slightly different from when it began, implying the whole universe has been recreated, restarted all over, and this was no mere hallucination or fantasy. I'm even less sure of what this fic is trying to say, by taking me on such a vast trip, seemingly on a trite subject as immortality angst. But it gives me this mysterious unsettling feeling, and not as an unpleasant reaction of disappointment, but of awe. This is quite a one-two punch, delivering that massive wall of description... and then letting the implications sink in from just a few straightforward details.

This is a type of fic that could usually be called pretentious, especially with Celestia's last line of dialogue, but this performance is something unique in the genre. I'm not sure what the message is, but maybe that's because it's stealthily suggesting a question instead. Especially that final short sentence, almost offbeat, serving as punctuation to let this trail off, rather than definitively seal it all up.

My god, it's full of ponies.

for those who haven't seen the movie, but are fine with being spoiled so you can review this fic: Storm King dies at the end by getting turned to stone and then shattering by gravity. also, a minor joke in the movie is he's selling action figures of himself throughout the lands he conquers. so I think that's the inspiration of this fic, expanding it into a headcanon that he's a capitalist (and narcissist) villain.

so even though I get the references and understand the idea here, the delivery of the joke is too slow and awkward, didn't really make me laugh. sorry.

Wow.
Thumbs up for this story. Well written, strong feels. I don't have much to say other than praise.

>>Not_A_Hat
The story reminded me more of this song.
( oh and by the way, the music you linked is really good, thank you for sharing!)

her little bedroom's

was already a heavy hint about Starlight's age for me.

Fix-Fic?? but this is exactly how the story of the movie went.

Put me in the bag of those who enjoyed this. The emotions were there, maybe a bit obvious, but I have a fondness for subtlety, and I understand that, in minifics, it's a luxury.

My suggestion would be to have some callbacks to what Trixie has actually done for Equestria, like helping defeating Queen Chrysalis (if your story happens currently with the show).

>>Haze
Not to be a nitpicker but https://www.howmanysyllables.com/words/poem

>>Whitbane
they're also heathens. it's a 1 syllable diphthong, and I'm sticking to it.

>>Haze
You probably think "naive" is one syllable, too. :B

One thing I should have said but barely touched on is that the puzzle takes enough work to decode (it's long enough that I couldn't keep track of it in my head and had to write down the letters) that there needs to be a payoff of greater value than the time spent. And there isn't. All I learn is that Flurry Heart is the addressee, but I don't know anything additional about their situation, and I don't understand the plot any better. I basically get nothing for the effort but the general satisfaction of solving a word puzzle, which is pretty much what Not_A_Hat said.

>>Pascoite
um.

what's with the passive aggressiveness here?

I'm sorry if I seriously offended you over this silly topic.

I figured I'd pop into this one, since it's the only story right now without multiple comments.

I like the idea that Zecora doesn't have to use rhymed couplets when she's doing something that's elevated above everyday speech for some reason, like your ABABCC rhyme scheme for the spell. I've had a similar idea before. But when she does go back to her normal speech, you're inconsistent. The first time, she does an ABAB, and the second goes to her normal canon couplet.

The first stanza of the spell is quite good, but as it goes on, it starts breaking rhythm and stretching for rhyme. Even the show isn't that great with her, but with a good leading stanza, you create the expectation that you will be. It feels strange to say this, but the whole effect might have been better if the first verse was worse (that's just fun to say out loud). Or, of course, tighten up the rest of them.

The story spends so much time on the spell itself that it doesn't have any space for plot. I appreciate the effect of putting narrative between the spell's verses, and that's something I've done as well. When a poem will otherwise go on unbroken for pages, it's nice to get pauses from it rather than a single wall o' poetry. but in a minific, the reader's assured it can't go on but so long anyway, so it isn't necessary.

Then after navigating all that, we just get a little climax/denouement about curing Discord of a sickness where he was apparently causing inadvertent chaos, I guess? That's my read of it anyway, but there's not much plot here, just a perfunctory premise as a vehicle to write the spell-poem.

>>Bremen Re: the pills/pils spelling issue, I could be convinced that was an intentional play on words juxtaposing the pills with the liquid brew ("pils" is a type of beer, a shortened form of "pilsner").

>>Haze
Huh?

I took the same joking tone as you.

>>Pascoite
sorry, the strawman argument made it seem like an act of aggression.

no, I do not think it is one syllable, because no one pronounces "naïve" like "knives", and the diaeresis is literally there in the word as an indication not to pronounce a diphthong.

I'm still naive though.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
I also took this to mean she was hanging the poems on her fridge. I wasn't aware of a refrigerator/haiku joke, so that would have been lost on me.

Reveal stories have to walk the edge of a knife; too obvious and the impact will be lost, too subtle and readers will be lost. I figured out what was going on (or at least arrived at the same conclusion as kettle) right at the end, but I can understand why others were confused.

Personally I found this story clever and couldn't wait to check the comments after reading it, but between that and the subject matter I wouldn't be surprised if this one ends up with most controversial.

I really like the voicing, and I really liked the flow as well. That bit where Dash was wondering if Pinkie pranked her cider was pretty much the perfectly paced; long enough to instill a real sense of suspense, but short enough for the confines of a minific.

My biggest complaint would that be payoff just doesn't feel like very much to me. There's nothing wrong with ultra-low-stakes stuff, but it kind of sets up the reader to expect a twist or something. Since the ending plays it pretty straightforward, it felt a bit underwhelming to me. In the end, the story was definitely easy to digest, but I don't know if it has a lot of sticking power.

>She opened the door, and took a hearty breath of the humidity, wetness mixing with earthen, tickling her nose.
The word you're looking for here is 'Petrichor'

It's... Okay, I guess? I'm afraid I couldn't really get invested into the ambience here.

An evocative and well-written piece, with the third paragraph from the end being indeed powerful.

That said, I feel that the missing context here. There is a sense of loss and a subtext of anger, and there are a couple of hints as to whom left the lands of the living, but it all is a bit too vague to lead to an arc of any kind. We have instead a beautiful scene and a sensation permeating it, yet it isn't enough.

Thank you for having submitted it. Despite my criticism, I liked it a lot.

It's cute, it's fun, and there was more than one line that put a smile on my face. I think this accomplished exactly what it set out to do, which is a big win in my book.

On the other hand, this didn't blow me away, precisely because it's not trying to blow anyone away. I'm rating this one pretty darn highly for now, but I can't guarantee that another more ambitious story won't take its place.

This story needs to breathe, at least another couple of hundreds of words. >>Dubs_Rewatcher already pointed out a couple of things to fix, and with more space you should be able to easily make the characters more memorable. A bit of editing and you have something quite good. As it stands now it feels incomplete and lacks emotional involvement, as we have no time nor way to connect to the three explorers and to get invested in their fate.

That said, you have a nice framework for conflict and three characters with clear objectives and wants. It's a solid setup, and the Wendigos are a good addition. The way I see it, this could both work as a mini-fic, with just a couple of additional paragraphs, as a short story going for a couple of thousand words.

>>Cassius
Briefly re-emerging from the shadows to comment on this one.

My initial read, following instructions to not look at comments before reading, was largely aligned with the Cassius/parasite interp, right on down to the advice to the author to claim it. (Which is very genuine and helpful advice!) The Gardez interp could also be right, and the parasite involved is changelingism...

... But on further thought, I wasn't very satisfied with either of those reads. There's a smoking gun.

When he had his wings, he'd be able to fly around wherever he wanted, and wouldn't need special help to get to school, and his family could move on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky.

That's not a random turn of phrase. It's a line from the opening theme of The Jeffersons, a famous mid-70s to 80s American sitcom featuring an African-American cast and a prominent interracial couple. And that's our cue for what's going on here.

They were brownish-blackish-clearish-green, not light blue like his coat.

A second shoutout to African-American skin tones. I think this is about race. Blinky is a half-changeling. That aligns his strange biology, the father leaving, and the focus on the family's poverty. Body horror as an allegory for racial miscegenation is a well played trope - see many of H.P. Lovecraft's works, which played with similar themes. This has the potential to go into unfortunate implications very quickly, so I'll stop the speculation there, and just say to keep this read in mind.

So they throw dead ponies in a trench that runs throughout the forest? Ecological.

The tone is interesting, but the pacing is slow and some of the fic seems like padding to me. I understand it is introspective, but the introspection drags a bit.

Also, is that carrier like a pariah? A bit what old executioners were at the time. Or?

All in all, evocative but at the same time reminiscent of a subject that has already been covered many times.

I am a poor judge of poetry, but what I see here I mostly like. I leave more apt minds to judge that.

This is creative and whimsical, and for that I like it. I think this is one of those stories intended to stand out for its writing more than anything, and in that regard it works well for me. From that standpoint alone, this one ranks high in my initial slate. Some stories are all about the word candy.

>>Bachiavellian
I'm an idiot. The whole point of the story just clicked for me when I was looking at the prompt. This is why I suck at reading comedies.

I will still stand by what I said about the importance central character agency, but I totally get that this is being played for humorous reasons, now. I now think that your biggest issue is that all of these "life sucks for Poindexter" moments kinda come out rapid-fire, which is likely what threw me off the intended meaning in the first place. Maybe a longer story will give you a chance to make the main character have a stronger footing while also giving you the chance to humorously rip control away from him.

I like this in general. It's a nice conversation about redemption and what it takes, and I can't help but think there's a subtle nod to how ridiculously abrupt Starlight's redemption was. Discord makes a good counterpoint to discuss the matter. But as >>Whitbane noted, the idea in a broader sense isn't new, which hurts it just a little.

My only big complaint is that Discord just... 'shows up'. I can't help but feel as though the introduction between these two could have been handled in a smoother fashion.

First: I can't imagine Flim and Flam are the right ponies to sell anything to. I'm sure AJ had better options available.

Second, selling the farm because of a war? Soldiers need to eat too, y'know. I'm willing to bet there were better solutions available than this. Especially considering that Applejack knows the princesses, who I'm sure could have found a solution to the problem that didn't involve this.

But these things aren't the problem with the story. The real problem is that we haven't been shown what has really led to Applejack having to sell off parts of the farm. By not giving us that important bit of information, we are left to speculate, and speculation leads to the doubts mentioned above and more. I'm typically okay with leaving some things to reader interpretation, but it feels like this has too many holes. The foundation is incomplete, and so the events can't stand on their own.

Shock collar! Tattooed-over cutie mark surrounded with "scarred flesh"! Someone turned into a red smear on the pavement! Suicidal thoughts!

Frankly, this was unappealing to read because it feels like over-the-top grimdark for the sake of grimdark. Reminds me a bit of the Judge Dredd universe, but without the dark humor that makes it appealing. Just a pile-up of edgy dark hopelessness.

To be frank, there seems to be barely any substance to this story. Apart from a rehash of the old, old "buttered cat" joke, it's just Twilight apologizing over and over and over and over. It feels like wordcount is wasted on the endless apologies, which are more dull than humorous to read; we get the idea after the first paragraph.

My interpretation of the story was initially that the paper depicts (part of) the human Latin alphabet, and by naming objects in this new alphabet, Twilight transforms them from colorful cartoons into real objects - realistic shadows and all. Hence also why Twilight is now "so much more". She real now. I wonder if I'm close to the truth, because I love the idea.

I liked this story. Great writing, and good pacing.

Favorites: Oct 7, Oct 8, Oct 9, Oct 10

The early ones are the best. I felt the latter ones are rather so-so (and Oct 21 confuses me, who's this about?) (and I'll second Pascoite that I don't understand Oct 13)

>>Pascoite
>>JudgeDeadd

Oct 13 is a reversal of the haiku rules. Instead of 5-7-5, it’s 7-5-7. It’s probably placed where it is because 13 is an unlucky number, but I think it should go nearer the end. 13 is too soon in the piece for an altered form like that.

For what it is, this is very funny. But just due to the shallow nature of its plot and metafiction, I doubt it’ll do very well.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
I hadn't noticed the syllable count. I just meant I don't understand what's happening in it. If the whole point is just that the syllable count and first line are contradictory in order to justify the last line and do ??? with the second one... I dunno. I still don't get anything from it.

>>JudgeDeadd
I'm guessing the 21st is about Scootaloo and her scooter, but it's just kind of a throwaway entry.

Well friends, I'm enjoying my unplanned Writeoff break (did you know there's a whole WORLD out there?!) but I had to pop in and comment on this one.

Oh, but this is savagely sarcastic! I can taste the acid on my tongue (not... like, that kind of acid. Er, you know what I mean). It's got some really good stingers.

Starlight Glimmer is there if you want, I guess.

i straight up lol'd at that one.

The villain’s lair is a castle that is available for purchase at your local toy store.

Lolling again. But soft, fair Author; don't you know that it's only the protagonist's and supporting characters' castle that receives the playset in this franchise?

I'm so alone.

Author, just on the off-chance that you're serious with all this, get thee to a pony con! The experience of going from being one nerd behind a computer to being one nerd of many dozens or hundreds of nerds is magic.

Anyway, overall this is quite fun and well done. Perhaps not earth-shattering, but worth the price of admission.

Honestly, I much prefer the more banal and insidious style of racism where it is perpetuated by small evils and class immobility rather than outright slavery.

That said, I think the storytelling order here has two big flaws.

One, the opening is actually very confusing, as it isn't until 5 paragraphs in I can place this as decisively non-canon (up until then, it could well have been a darker take on the movie), and I don't think delaying that reveal actually adds anything. Rather, opening on the narrator observing the future skyline and THEN interrupting it with the ugly reality of things (and the shock collar) has a much stronger effect on the reader.

Similarly, I think positioning the contemplation of suicide before him doing the job, and then quickly exiting the story on his concession to do the job and take the cold comfort in a job well done is a stronger outro, rather than positioning his objections AFTER the action which makes the emotional arc wobble a bit more. It isn't awful or anything, I just think it could be stronger.

Beyond that, your narrator... honestly seems a little too... not erudite, but he certainly doesn't read like an earth pony who has effectively been enslaved all his life? He reads more like this is a recent thing, which doesn't feel like the circumstance the setting is presenting? Seems a lot more like earth ponies have 0 opportunity in this setting, rather than just being disadvantaged.

Another ultra-low-stakes story on my slate. I love the prose, the imagery, and the little "friendship" metaphors scattered throughout. This fic is like a good cup of tea--it calms you right down and puts you into that mood that makes you want to do nothing but think about life all day.

Still, the mood is about all there is, here. You're playing it very, very safe here, and I really wouldn't mind some more emotional depth to make the mood of serenity feel more poignant. I'm almost certain that this is an experimental piece, with the whole lack of dialogue, conflict, or any other characters. I'd say that it was a resounding success in setting a mood, but it doesn't quite do anything with the atmosphere it creates. As with "Impending Hug", I'm still rating this pretty highly, but if all else is equal, I would probably put a more ambitious fic above this story, should I run into one.

This is the sort of story where leading with a strong hook is more engaging. I see no particular reason to not just lead with what he is instead of being coy. The title spoils it for the reader if you are actually trying to be coy, and the mood setting isn't really strong enough to engage out the gate. Just do it right out the gate. "I am the one who lays the dead to rest" or whatever. Bam.

Which leads me to the next thing... there isn't a strong arc because we spend too much time splitting between things: the narrator's concerns re the next bodytaker (which runs into some logical errors in both being a new idea and, well, cutie marks being so important to later professions) and the reaction re: the emotional impact on characters we like.

I dunno. The idea is fine, but I think using the Apple family is to the story's detriment, as readers are going to be more interested in a very definitive moment in their lives than random OC on average, which leads to a tension in what is driving interest at any given moment. So yeah, tighten, I think. Pick one thing and do it.

See >>regidar & >>Ion-Sturm re: cleaning up a bit. This definitely needs an editorial pass to regularize it a bit (remove odd quotation mark spaces, fix some minor spelling errors, etc).

Anyhow, I think the biggest issue is that it buries the emotional lead really deep. There's nothing wrong with a mixed conflict like this (worried about loss leading to wanting to confess the truth), but you bury it so far down that it is raised and gone in a flash. It is even handled sort of dismissively with the implication that this is the first time it really bothers Trixie, which I think takes away from it a little bit. Having always had an uneasy relationship with falsehood and her grandmother would let the tension build and add a little more impact to her decision to not confess.

Maybe I'm just grumpy tonight, but honestly, most of the jokes here land pretty flat for me? At a glance they seem like some cutting snark about pony story structure, but many of them... aren't really that accurate? There's a couple good chuckles, but most of the attempts to spear pony storytelling (or even fanfic storytelling) feel like they are far too broad.

There is something to be said with the overall idea and the last line, but I feel they don't really gel well enough to be interesting. If you want to do something like that, I think you need to up the pathos throughout, as nothing else here really conveys the desperation you seem to be aiming for with that last line.

I recommend checking out Doki Doki Literature Club, if you haven't already.