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Hollow Hearts Beneath the Earth
The tiara clattered loudly as it landed in Celestia's cell. She almost tried to raise it with her horn, before remembering, and lifted it in trembling hooves instead.
Dry, red flakes crusted the golden circlet, and the tips of the seven-pointed star. In the violet gemstone's facets, she saw her reflection, and watched tears streak down her pale, emaciated face.
"You wanted proof." Her visitor said the words gruffly. "She didn't suffer, if it helps."
Celestia wrenched her eyes shut. She fought, and failed, to muffle her sobs; they echoed about the cavernous maw of Tartarus.
"Guess this means there's no chance of us catching up over tea?" The usurper snorted; Celestia heard her hooves clop against the rocky terrain as she turned to move away. "I guess that's fair. Stew in your grief and your hate, 'Princess.' I'll be seeing you."
Celestia spoke, without thinking. "I never hated you, Sunset."
The hoofsteps stopped. Celestia opened her eyes, and saw the blood-red alicorn staring quizzically back at her.
The Princess swallowed, and mastered her sobs long enough to gaze placidly at the usurper. "I only ever pitied you."
Sunset Shimmer's cat-slitted gaze hardened. Her mane, a tangle of red and gold flames, blazed brighter, hotter. "You pitied me?" she said, a razor's edge in her voice.
"I did."
Uncertainty dulled the razor. "Even now?"
"Now, more than ever."
Sunset narrowed her eyes. "Why?"
A hoof, shod in a tarnished, golden boot, stroked the edges of the seven-pointed star.
"Because you never had what she had."
"You're gonna make me ask, aren't you?" Sunset turned and spat a wad of saliva that crackled and fizzled as it ate through the rocky ground. "Fine. Enlighten me, teacher. What did Princess Twilight have that I, apparently, am so desperately lacking?"
Celestia let a moment pass. "...Friendship."
Sunset Shimmer laughed harshly. "You sad, deluded, toothless old relic. I clap you in chains and throw you in Tartarus, and you think it's, what, a cry for help? That I'm – heh – that I'm lashing out because I didn't make enough friends or get invited to enough birthday parties when I was a filly? That this is some kind of temper tantrum?!"
"That's all it's ever been, Sunset," said Celestia. "Your pursuit of power, your fall from grace – it's all because you were too afraid to reach out for what you truly wanted. What you still want, I think."
"As if what you think matters," Sunset snapped. "Your protege is dead, and your sister's off farming moon rocks. The rest of your family, and those simpering Elements, are crow-food in their gibbets, and Discord's a statue soaking up crow crap beneath 'em. Your kingdom is my kingdom now, and you?"
Sunset suddenly unfurled her leathery wings and sped up to the bars of Celestia's cage, slamming herself against them and pressing her face close between them. "I used to hang on your every fucking word. Now, you're nothing more than a trophy. A toy. At best, a pet. Piss me off, and I'll have what's left of your head."
"With my dying breath, I'd still pity you. Do you know why?" Celestia gazed levelly at her fallen student. "Once, you could have had what your heart desired. But that road is closed to you now, I think. Never to reopen."
Sunset grinned a mouth of jagged, pointed fangs. "How tragic."
"More than you know." Celestia bowed her head, baring a broken horn to Sunset. "Because, one day, you're going to come upon someone, or something, that you can't consume or destroy – something that only love can truly drive out. In that moment, you'll despair at what you've given up, and you'll know how hollow your pursuit of power truly was."
Sunset's eyes widened, minutely, for an instant. Then she curled her lips back and sent a wad of burning spittle splattering against Celestia's cheek. The Princess took it, unflinching, even as her skin seared and crackled, her cooked flesh tickling her nostrils.
Then Sunset pulled back, and strode away from Celestia's cell. "Good talk, teach. Let's have another, real soon."
Celestia waited a long, long time, until Sunset, and the fire that trailed in her wake, had long since vanished from the depths of Tartarus.
Then she pulled the tiara close to her chest, and broke.
Dry, red flakes crusted the golden circlet, and the tips of the seven-pointed star. In the violet gemstone's facets, she saw her reflection, and watched tears streak down her pale, emaciated face.
"You wanted proof." Her visitor said the words gruffly. "She didn't suffer, if it helps."
Celestia wrenched her eyes shut. She fought, and failed, to muffle her sobs; they echoed about the cavernous maw of Tartarus.
"Guess this means there's no chance of us catching up over tea?" The usurper snorted; Celestia heard her hooves clop against the rocky terrain as she turned to move away. "I guess that's fair. Stew in your grief and your hate, 'Princess.' I'll be seeing you."
Celestia spoke, without thinking. "I never hated you, Sunset."
The hoofsteps stopped. Celestia opened her eyes, and saw the blood-red alicorn staring quizzically back at her.
The Princess swallowed, and mastered her sobs long enough to gaze placidly at the usurper. "I only ever pitied you."
Sunset Shimmer's cat-slitted gaze hardened. Her mane, a tangle of red and gold flames, blazed brighter, hotter. "You pitied me?" she said, a razor's edge in her voice.
"I did."
Uncertainty dulled the razor. "Even now?"
"Now, more than ever."
Sunset narrowed her eyes. "Why?"
A hoof, shod in a tarnished, golden boot, stroked the edges of the seven-pointed star.
"Because you never had what she had."
"You're gonna make me ask, aren't you?" Sunset turned and spat a wad of saliva that crackled and fizzled as it ate through the rocky ground. "Fine. Enlighten me, teacher. What did Princess Twilight have that I, apparently, am so desperately lacking?"
Celestia let a moment pass. "...Friendship."
Sunset Shimmer laughed harshly. "You sad, deluded, toothless old relic. I clap you in chains and throw you in Tartarus, and you think it's, what, a cry for help? That I'm – heh – that I'm lashing out because I didn't make enough friends or get invited to enough birthday parties when I was a filly? That this is some kind of temper tantrum?!"
"That's all it's ever been, Sunset," said Celestia. "Your pursuit of power, your fall from grace – it's all because you were too afraid to reach out for what you truly wanted. What you still want, I think."
"As if what you think matters," Sunset snapped. "Your protege is dead, and your sister's off farming moon rocks. The rest of your family, and those simpering Elements, are crow-food in their gibbets, and Discord's a statue soaking up crow crap beneath 'em. Your kingdom is my kingdom now, and you?"
Sunset suddenly unfurled her leathery wings and sped up to the bars of Celestia's cage, slamming herself against them and pressing her face close between them. "I used to hang on your every fucking word. Now, you're nothing more than a trophy. A toy. At best, a pet. Piss me off, and I'll have what's left of your head."
"With my dying breath, I'd still pity you. Do you know why?" Celestia gazed levelly at her fallen student. "Once, you could have had what your heart desired. But that road is closed to you now, I think. Never to reopen."
Sunset grinned a mouth of jagged, pointed fangs. "How tragic."
"More than you know." Celestia bowed her head, baring a broken horn to Sunset. "Because, one day, you're going to come upon someone, or something, that you can't consume or destroy – something that only love can truly drive out. In that moment, you'll despair at what you've given up, and you'll know how hollow your pursuit of power truly was."
Sunset's eyes widened, minutely, for an instant. Then she curled her lips back and sent a wad of burning spittle splattering against Celestia's cheek. The Princess took it, unflinching, even as her skin seared and crackled, her cooked flesh tickling her nostrils.
Then Sunset pulled back, and strode away from Celestia's cell. "Good talk, teach. Let's have another, real soon."
Celestia waited a long, long time, until Sunset, and the fire that trailed in her wake, had long since vanished from the depths of Tartarus.
Then she pulled the tiara close to her chest, and broke.
I enjoyed this. It really is the sort of story that needs to be longer than the 750 word limit to effectively draw you in and help you understand the world you're in, but what's here does a very good job as an appetizer.
It's well written, although some of the dialogue feels a little too familiar. Big bad who crushes all opposition only to be called out on what she's so clearly missing, and then being evil to cover up that weakness.
I would read a full-fledged story of this. And it is ranked high on my slate.
It's well written, although some of the dialogue feels a little too familiar. Big bad who crushes all opposition only to be called out on what she's so clearly missing, and then being evil to cover up that weakness.
I would read a full-fledged story of this. And it is ranked high on my slate.
I've always had difficulties accepting out and out murder and the like in MLP stories (one of the reasons that, while I enjoyed how they didn't shy away from showing it, the fact that they killed the Storm King in the movie didn't sit well with me on a narrative level). There's a tonal dissonance that needs a lot of justification to make it go down well if you're operating in what would otherwise be an alternate timeline for the show (IE FoE). If things are clearly established as being an AU that can also help.
This story doesn't really do either. Sunset has clearly murdered the bearers, drops an F-bomb, and has acid spit. If she was callous enough to murder the bearers rather than lock them up with Celestia, why didn't she just kill her and Luna anyways? I can certainly headcanon reasons for it easily enough, and you sort of touch on it with the pet comment, but it still feels at odds with what she's done and her show counterpart. It's relentlessly Grimdark without really feeling like it's earned that distinction.
All that said, the conversation was written quite well, and you clearly have a strong grasp on descriptive text. I do wish you had played with the words a bit more; a quick re-read didn't reveal any use of simile or metaphor to me, but it was admittedly a skim. I'm not sold on the execution of the story itself, but I can appreciate the care that went into it.
This story doesn't really do either. Sunset has clearly murdered the bearers, drops an F-bomb, and has acid spit. If she was callous enough to murder the bearers rather than lock them up with Celestia, why didn't she just kill her and Luna anyways? I can certainly headcanon reasons for it easily enough, and you sort of touch on it with the pet comment, but it still feels at odds with what she's done and her show counterpart. It's relentlessly Grimdark without really feeling like it's earned that distinction.
All that said, the conversation was written quite well, and you clearly have a strong grasp on descriptive text. I do wish you had played with the words a bit more; a quick re-read didn't reveal any use of simile or metaphor to me, but it was admittedly a skim. I'm not sold on the execution of the story itself, but I can appreciate the care that went into it.
Hm. I liked this, but then it felt like it was playing things safe. It didn't really take a new angle on the cliched "I pity the villain" thing, pretty much just pushing Twilight's speech at the end of Equestria Girls to Celestia. Twilight's around, and she's gotten a crown, but Nightmare Moon never came back, Discord never freed... I'm confused by this. Did Sunset just put them back in their same imprisonments? Why? Where's Cadence? I have to agree with Ion-Sturm about murder, but specifically in the aspect that if Sunset is willing to kill Twilight, why did she merely imprison Discord and Luna?
The "I pity you" line is too convenient as well. Not only is it the most possible accepted response, it's only going to make Sunset angry, which accomplishes nothing, and it backs off from the genuine emotional appeal Celestia was making in saying she never hated Sunset. I was expecting more of an "I still love you," which would far more effectively stab into Sunset's conceptions about friendship. As it is, it's just another standard "good guy lectures the bad guy with whom he shares a history." A well-written one, to be sure, but that doesn't have anything to surprise me. I wish I could give more concrete feedback, but it's the kind of story I could have stopped reading after the first few paragraphs and lost nothing for assuming how the rest of it would play out. It's not one of those "story's in the title" ones at least, and by skipping out, a reader would be missing some nice word-crafting, but the plot goes nowhere unexpected.
The "I pity you" line is too convenient as well. Not only is it the most possible accepted response, it's only going to make Sunset angry, which accomplishes nothing, and it backs off from the genuine emotional appeal Celestia was making in saying she never hated Sunset. I was expecting more of an "I still love you," which would far more effectively stab into Sunset's conceptions about friendship. As it is, it's just another standard "good guy lectures the bad guy with whom he shares a history." A well-written one, to be sure, but that doesn't have anything to surprise me. I wish I could give more concrete feedback, but it's the kind of story I could have stopped reading after the first few paragraphs and lost nothing for assuming how the rest of it would play out. It's not one of those "story's in the title" ones at least, and by skipping out, a reader would be missing some nice word-crafting, but the plot goes nowhere unexpected.
There is a lot of ambition here, which honestly is a breath of fresh air with the slate that I've had.Pacing-wise, this story is just about perfect--it uses the minfic word count to its advantage, which is deceptively difficult to pull off.
Still, this was another story I had a fair bit of trouble connecting to. I know that as a reader, I tend to put a particularly heavy focus on character voicing, and it just feels kinda off, here. To me, Sunset's dialogue doesn't sound like herself. I'm not sure why, though, since I have never really gone in-depth with the EQG universe (I've only seen each movie once apiece, and I don't actively seek out EQG fiction). I know that it may be your intention to make Sunset feel different, but in my opinion, to pull that off, you need to give us a concrete emotional reason for the change in characterization. The fact that Sunset is already burning and pillaging Equestria is a big enough departure from her character that the reader needs to get used to.
Similarly, Celestia doesn't quite feel like she's on point to me either. Most of her characterization feels like her spitting out platitudes without any real stake in what's going on around her, until the last line. I agree with >>Pascoite that Celestia holding the moral high ground is not as emotionally effective as if she had still displayed vulnerability.
I know that "work on your characterization" is pretty vague and frustrating advice, but it is the weakest link here, in my opinion. Like I said earlier, I'm already in love with the scope and the pacing of this story. If the characters were firing on all their cylinders, I think it can be that much better.
Still, this was another story I had a fair bit of trouble connecting to. I know that as a reader, I tend to put a particularly heavy focus on character voicing, and it just feels kinda off, here. To me, Sunset's dialogue doesn't sound like herself. I'm not sure why, though, since I have never really gone in-depth with the EQG universe (I've only seen each movie once apiece, and I don't actively seek out EQG fiction). I know that it may be your intention to make Sunset feel different, but in my opinion, to pull that off, you need to give us a concrete emotional reason for the change in characterization. The fact that Sunset is already burning and pillaging Equestria is a big enough departure from her character that the reader needs to get used to.
Similarly, Celestia doesn't quite feel like she's on point to me either. Most of her characterization feels like her spitting out platitudes without any real stake in what's going on around her, until the last line. I agree with >>Pascoite that Celestia holding the moral high ground is not as emotionally effective as if she had still displayed vulnerability.
I know that "work on your characterization" is pretty vague and frustrating advice, but it is the weakest link here, in my opinion. Like I said earlier, I'm already in love with the scope and the pacing of this story. If the characters were firing on all their cylinders, I think it can be that much better.
Oh boy, I don't think I can add anything that wasn't already said. I'm going to, then, just say to expand it. Maybe into a full novel. Heck, I would read the Tartarus of that novel if you wrote it. So, on a basic, three-word level, I love it.
Tier: Top Contender.
Tier: Top Contender.
This might have been worthwhile if it didn't come with the direct implication that Sunset Shimmer somehow managed to conquer Equestria using a scheme involving brainwashed teenagers and a single Element. I'm sorry, but I just can't buy that, and as such the entire story is devastatingly tainted in my eyes. Had you bothered to show how a scheme so blatantly flawed could have succeeded – a backup plan, or a secret methodology perhaps – then I might be more forgiving. But as it is, everything comes out as weak and false, because the premise itself seems weak and false.
In your defense, this problem has almost everything to do with my headcanon.
I must also echo >>Bachiavellian's point. Sunset made it clear that she's "not a monster" in the first EQG movie, and yet here she's shown gleefully boasting about murder. While it can be argued that her corrupted form might have changed her on a mental level, there's no evidence of this, and as such we are left with plenty of room for doubt. The end result is that Sunset isn't Sunset, and that's a hard thing to accept outright.
In your defense, this problem has almost everything to do with my headcanon.
I must also echo >>Bachiavellian's point. Sunset made it clear that she's "not a monster" in the first EQG movie, and yet here she's shown gleefully boasting about murder. While it can be argued that her corrupted form might have changed her on a mental level, there's no evidence of this, and as such we are left with plenty of room for doubt. The end result is that Sunset isn't Sunset, and that's a hard thing to accept outright.