My memories of TCB-verse are fuzzy, so I'm not sure if Aurora here is a hologram (like a Siri type thing) or a real person. If real, this makes little sense why she's in his apartment, why she likes him, why... well, pretty much why she's involved at all. Basically, I don't think this works as a story, with or without knowledge of TCB on the part of the reader.

One positive, I did like the early descriptions of the waking process. Some nifty little phrases in there.

I think Trick_Question hits the nail on the head. Violet here is "pointless" and that leaves the story lacking in impact. That said, I like what you did with Dash. I feel the same way in my life at the moment. I live in a place I love, own a nice house, have friends, make great money at a job I find easy, etc. I've "won" and yet, like Dash says, you never stop wanting more. The question is, what? So in that sense, this story really resonated with me, despite the fact that it could be tightened up a fair bit.

I want to apologize to the authors of the roughly 25 or so stories that I haven't read or reviewed. I don't think I'm going to get around to yours before the end of the prelims, and I feel really bad about it. I prided myself on getting through all the different entries during my first two writeoffs, and this time, I have failed you all in the most horrific way.

Where is my flail. D:

The Great

Solid effort. I haven't had to do poetry scans in a while, but this seems to flow fairly well?

The Rough

I really haven't worked with poetry in a while and, even when I did, I was not a huge fan. That's kind of where I come down here. There's clearly love put into it, but I'm not quite sure the payoff is strong enough to really break me of my general feelings regarding poetry.

Unfortunately, beyond that, I really don't feel fit to offer much commentary on this otherwise for the above reason. Poetry was just never my forte, and this touches far too close.

Lovely writing, and it mostly works for me. Where it falls short is the main conflict. We need to get hints at Scootaloo's mission early on, so we don't think this is just sightseeing. The descriptions are also "purple prose" as some have said. I think that's acceptable, with a few exceptions where you made the scenery into red herrings. For example, mountains stab angrily into the sky, but they aren't important. The weird clues about leaves quaking in windless air were absolutely fascinating, as at first I thought you were just describing things poorly. Instead, you have this fascinating world-building piece... that goes nowhere and does nothing for the story.

Lastly, the resolution is just a little too quick given the way the dialog goes. Instead, maybe show Sweetie as more mature, already understanding what this means, instead of asking. Connect it to the setting as well. Ex:


"So?" Sweetie said, curtly.

"Apple Bloom says she's sorry. We all miss you, you know."

Sweetie sighed. "I guess it is about time I let it go, isn't it?"

Scootaloo nodded.

"Give me a few minutes to pack, okay?"

"Of course." Scootaloo turned at looked at the wobbling house, realizing that a pony could always build anew, even on shaky foundations."



Anyway, this one really stuck out to me, but I wanted it to be more than it was I fear. Definitely will look for any expansion of this in the future though!

The Great

Solid concept.

The Rough

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something feels... inconsistent? Maybe Rainbow Dash's voice, maybe just the narrative tone? But something really kicked me out of the story. Apologies for not being super helpful with this one, but I can't personally identify what it was at the moment.

Middle section is definitely unnecessary and should be cut. Similarly, the parenthetical statement should be cut as well. Much as I love me some parentheses, they look really awkward in most narrative works. If you really want to keep it, make it an aside and offset it via en dashes or such.

This just doesn't work for me, as it feels too out of character, both for Pinkie, and for AJ and Dash. Pinkie is used to taking criticism and having ponies say things mean about her. She's the absolute best at deflecting that sort of thing, as her ego is 100% actualized and internal.

Secondly, Dash and AJ would say stuff mean when drunk, yeah... but it would be stuff they were actually upset about, not things said just to be mean. They might be annoyed that Pinkie's party ruined crop of apples, or if the cake made Dash too tummy-achy to fly at practice. But this sounds like it was something way worse, and unless I can see/understand that as a reader, then I can't buy the impact it's having on this friendship.

The Great

An (I assume) uncommon approach to Celestia's grief that is well realized.

The Rough

Let's start with something petty. Why was she not moved from where she fell? That's just hella weird to me.

I think this treads dangerously close to melodrama territory. While I can appreciate the emotion that's going on here, it just doesn't quite work for me because of how absolutely extreme it is. I think Not A Hat nailed it it with the "insult her grief" line. While it isn't... unreal, per se, it irritates and feels really petulant. Similarly, I think the last couple lines carry it on too strong as well.

The Great

Another interesting character take. Also helps offset naval gazing with some character action.

The Rough

That said, I'm kind of in the same boat as Xepher here. I just can't quite make this story connect back to the GGG as well as I would like, and that does hamper my enjoyment of the story.

>>Trick_Question
And I can't see how you could possibly think that this is Potter ;P Yes, the idea of using unicorn hairs to make a wand was almost certainly taken from Harry Potter, but the only vague similarity is that Raindolph appears to be a student at some sort of magic school, and that idea is hardly exclusive to Harry Potter. Everything else in the story makes it very clear that this is not a Harry Potter crossover of any sort.

Author, I suppose this goes to show that you should be careful with associations. You probably should have known that people would make the jump from "unicorn hair wands" to "Harry Potter," and you might have anticipated that this would cause some confusion. It probably would have been best to either cut out the connection entirely (maybe Raindolph could need the unicorn hairs for a potion or ritual instead), or to double down on it and just make this a Harry Potter crossover.

As for the rest of the story, I really wanted to like it, but it just didn't quite work for me. I love stories about different magic systems colliding and interacting, and Human in Equestria stories have always been something of a guilty pleasure for me. So mashing those two things together should produce a story I'd love, but this one just fell flat for me. I think that at least part of the problem for me was that it was just too anticlimactic. It seemed like there should have been a lot more to it than there was.When I first finished it, I was certain that there was some sort of joke I was missing. But unless everyone else here missed it too, it doesn't look like there was.

I ended up putting this story right in the middle of my slate, but I think that it's the one that I would most like to see expanded and put on fimfiction.

So Pony!Cheerilee managed to drag unconscious human!Cheerilee back home from the bar, but still hasn't figured out how to walk on two legs?

I suppose that if this takes place between Rainbow Rocks and Friendship Games, it would be conceivable that communication and travel across the dimensions could be possible, but most of Canterlot High wouldn't have figured out that there are alternate versions of themselves in the other world. It still seems odd that human!Cheerilee would have such a hard time accepting it after everything that happened in the first two movies though.

Like everyone else has said, I think this is a great start for a story, but it really doesn't stand on its own very well.

Okay, I think that's all the reviews I have time for tonight. I got about half of the stories read, but I put them off for too long to write reviews for all of them. I'll try to get more reviews done in the finals, and if anyone who doesn't make the cut wants to know what I thought of their story, I'll be glad to let you know if you ask.

I'll see you all in finals!
I mean, when I next get online, prelims will be over and the finals will have begun. I have no idea if my story will make the cut or not.

Just over an hour left? Can I complete my slate and review all the stories on it? Doubtful!

I'm a complete fangirl for stories that use the pets. Of course, this meant at the end I was searching in vain for a description of Philomena, scrabbling to understand whether "a circle, spitting and hissing in spell-flame sapphire" could really be reference to a phoenix. That likely had me lost on understanding the ending for a couple read-throughs.

I agree that there's good show-not-tell here, and that the style makes this unique. But ultimately it's too much for me, and made me skim parts of the story. I'd like to see the prose style toned down slightly - or even just less description of the Everfree at the beginning, because the urge to skim begins immediately - and the ending lengthened.

I find myself nodding in agreement with a lot of the comments made previously, and conclude that if you tidy up some of the character interaction and little nitpicks (eg applejack not cider) it would be much stronger.

But my main comment is on the following:

The three fillies look at each other for a few moments, talking in the silent way best friends sometimes do. They nod, having reached consensus, and say together, "breakfast."

You use the past tense for the entire story and then you suddenly switch to the present (present simple, I think). For no reason, as far as I can tell. I know some think it's petty to concentrate on technical nitpicks like this, especially in minifics with a short time limit, but the honest truth is that this did yank me out of the story. And because it's at the end, I get no chance to recover, and the technical mistake is left as my overriding impression.

Please, please, make sure you spend extra time checking your first and last paragraphs for silly technical errors like this.

The ending is definitely the weak point. Not only does it recap things we've just read, people don't talk to each other like that. I like >>Baal Bunny's suggestion of including a scene after the battle with Tirek, which would tie in nicely with the theme of protectiveness (which as others have said, is left hanging).

Furthermore, the dialogue tags need cleaning up in several places.

Cute story, though!

>>The_Letter_J

Author, I suppose this goes to show that you should be careful with associations. You probably should have known that people would make the jump from "unicorn hair wands" to "Harry Potter," and you might have anticipated that this would cause some confusion.

Or, maybe you're completely wrong, and it is intended to reference HP. :trollestia:

Everything else in the story makes it very clear that this is not a Harry Potter crossover of any sort.

Like what, exactly? You say "everything else" isn't Potter, but you don't name a single example. Some wizards in HP can talk to animals. The only thing I can see is the existence of other dimensions, and that isn't far outside Potter mythos because there are alternate dimensions—just not so many. That was required for the narrative (as it is for any narrative where HP crosses with MLP).

The wand construction description is pure Potter. It's unmistakeable, down to what they describe on Pottermore, with the magical cores and the wooden casing and how it's put together. There's just no way this wasn't the author's intent.

Seriously, this thing is 99% Potter references. Doublin' down now. :rainbowdetermined:

First off, thanks to >>FanOfMostEverything >>CoffeeMinion >>AndrewRogue >>Xepher for feedback. /)^3^(\ (I'd thank the last commenter, but as far as I can tell I think they were just making a pun and not reviewing.)

Breaking the Mold
a.k.a. Hay, Let's Rape Twilight Sparkle! :facehoof:

Yeah, I wrote this one. I still kinda like it, even. I have no shame. :twilightblush: This was the third story I wrote for the competition, and the second one I submitted. (The first one I wrote, I trashed.) Consequently, it suffered from the time constraint more than the other two. It was also the most "experimental" of the three (at least for me).

No, I didn't mean for the story to be so quasi-rapey. :facehoof: I'm pretty sure that can be fixed without removing any punch (in the ways I described above). Obviously the last line should be tossed, and I almost tossed it before submitting, but I didn't have enough time to re-edit things as much as I'd have liked, and I couldn't figure out how to combine the last two lines so I just said buckit. :derpytongue2:

I don't buy the chemistry in the end segment. I need to put more convincing dialogue into the SG+T shipping elements to justify their relationship, even if the story is largely a comedy. Maybe in a lighthearted-story I can get away with the assumption that those two are an item, but there's too much detail on the nature of their relationship and unusual comfort with one another (poly, really?) to expect a reader will accept at face value. I also think the title connection is too weak, which I mentioned above (that was another last-minute choice). I think Starlight's voice could be improved a little, but adding more dialogue would make that easier.

To make this story work, I'm pretty sure I'd need to double its length (at least). It seemed like a reasonable minific fit at the time, but there's just too much going on in the story to cram it all into 750 words (four characters with roles, a dream sequence, emotional shifts, puns, relationship drama, etc.). I had to do some really cray stuff and cut it down bloody to fit the glass slipper this time. Don't overextend yourselves, fillies and colts.

I'll be tossing this on the "eh, maybe someday I'll do something with it" pile, but I wouldn't count on seeing it on Fimfiction anytime soon... even though I actually enjoyed writing it enough to give myself a chuckle or two.

(I hope laughing at your own stories isn't vainglorious. I might be less depressed since the ECT, but I still don't like myself, at least.)

Thanks for reading! :twilightsmile:

Holy shit, Mono. I actually had your story ranked in my top three. And I had no idea it was yours. I loved this story! :pinkiehappy:

I'm disappointed it didn't make the cut, though given people's confused reactions, not too surprised. But I really enjoyed it.

Wow this was unexpected! I never thought my other story would pass. How come?

Anyways:

Day One

Wow:

>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Remedyfortheheart
>>Trick_Question (<3 Trick)
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Orbiting_kettle (Hi Kettle!)
>>Moosetasm
>>Xepher
>>TheCyanRecluse
>>Bachiavellian
>>georg
>>Bremen

Thanks to all, guys!

First off, I’m surprised no one recognised Milton in the last line (Better to rule in Hell, than to serve in Heavens, says Satan in Paradise Lost). It is remarquable that My Little Pony goes opposite to Genesis, with the archfiend being exiled in heavens rather than in Hell. I wonder if anyone ever analysed this aspect of the show. (And no, including that twisted sentence occurred to me pretty late in writing, so the fic wasn’t focussed around it. I just found it relevant.)

But yeah, this was written more as a last minute fic’ on my iPhone, and mostly as a joke. I’m currently finishing (for weeks now, but vagaries of work have totally upset my schedule) a fic about Celestia visiting Luna five centuries after she’s been banished. Celestia discovers the satellite and how its physics “works” and she’s horrified in retrospect to have banned her sister to such a forlorn and barren place. (So no, this wasn’t inspired by Moonstuck or any other story.)

The meteor roadsign was a new idea, though. I must backport it to the full-fledged story.

In my headcanon Luna is cyclically victim of a curse triggered by the stars and she transforms into Nightmare Moon. When the stars move out of position, she’s restored to her true self. That’s what happens here, but with the fallout that she’s trapped on the Moon.

Until the last minute Luna also came across a billboard claiming “Make the Moon great again. Vote Nightmare Moon!” but I redacted that passage (which accounts for the slightly reduced word count w/r to 750), thinking that jokes about Trump were fast becoming clichéd. Instead, I tried to add a bittersweet tinge to the story, especially the passage with Celestia at the balcony, in order to give it more depth. But maybe I went a bit too far and ended up, as someone underlined, with a schizophrenic arc, where both aspects are almost balanced and it’s impossible to tell which one the story belongs to.

Physics. Assuming Equestria’s flat planet spins much more quickly than the moon revolves around it, wouldn't the gravitational field ripples be smoothed out? Besides, it would explain why the apparent diameter of the moon varies along the day with it being larger at moonset.

In any case, this was fun to write, and I hope you enjoyed the reading. I’m glad there was no glaring errors in that one, which makes it a win for me, irrespective of its final ranking.

Thanks to all those who read, commented and gave to this story more love than it deserved. I’m still amazed by the number of comments it received and I wish I had given you something better to chew.

The finals have begun, and just about everything in the top third of my ballot made it in. The only exception is Dubs_Rewatcher's "Two Strikes." Apparently, I'm a huge sucker for Twilestia hurt/comfort fics. Who knew?

>>Trick_Question

Thanks Trick :scores_of_hearts:

Okay, this one really should have made the cut. I agree the poni tie-in was a little weak, but the story is great and the writing was (as always) masterful.

Trembling also (of course) had five-star writing, but it needed plot... so that one I can understand. This one had both, and both were excellent. I'm very surprised.

I really hope this didn't get a low score for prompt-relatedness. I didn't see it, but inspiration doesn't always make sense.

I know CiG is probably the last author who needs defending here, but ponies who put this in the bottom half of their slates are just wrong. :derpytongue2:

>>Monokeras
Correction: you only need to write one retro. :raritywink:

(And it's for the one I had at the top of my slate. Go figure.)

>>Trick_Question
Already done! See above!

>>Monokeras
Technically, Mono, since you made the cut this time and CiG didn't, I think it's safe for you to assume that you are a better writer than Cold in Gardez forever. :V

(oh geez I hope I haven't hurt CiG's feelings with this one—SD should really have made the cut) :raritydespair:

>>Trick_Question
Oh, also to answer a question:

The reason Twilight was having that dream is because she was being cuddled on both sides in the waking world, so subconsciously her mind generated a dream where she was being cuddled by two Flash Sentries. (Flashes Sentry?) I was pretty sure that would have been obvious. :derpytongue2:

>>Xepher
>>TheCyanRecluse
See above comment.

Haven't you ever seen like, a commercial or movie or such where someone is dreaming about something because something similar is happening to them in the waking world? This is the only criticism about the story I'm not sure I understand, and I'm curious.

Okay, a few unrequested reflections now.

I've gone back through my prelim ballot (much thanks to Roger for implementing that), and I can confirm the only real shocker (to me) was Scorpion Days not making the cut.

I loved Day One, but didn't expect that love to be universal. Don't Speak barely cracked into my top quartile (76%), but I ranked it high mainly because I liked the personification and the message, and I see it having a lot of potential if it becomes a longer story.

Besides those three, everything else I rated 61% and up made it in.

For the other side of the bit, two stories in my bottom seven slots made the cut, but neither one surprises me. In both cases the writing was decent, but it just wasn't my kind of story. I won't name them since they're still in the voting pool.

Everything else I rated 26% or less was cut. Above that limit, I don't expect a lot of consistency. Usually the top third and the bottom fourth of my slate closely match the votes, while the rest is kind of random. Voting is difficult when you need to consider so many totally different elements: the merits of the story itself, whether you enjoyed it, whether you liked the message, how good the writing is, how much potential the story has if extended, etc. Boiling stories down to a single score is very difficult except when almost everything is good or almost everything needs work.

>>Trick_Question
Thank you so, so much for your review! It was really helpful. I'm so glad you reviewed all the stories, including mine! I hope everyone else is as excited about your reviews as I am :heart:

>>Posh
Hey there, take it easy. Yes, having reviews is a truly wonderful thing, but not if it requires suffering on your part! This was over Thanksgiving (and Black Friday--I didn't intend to shop but my mom had other ideas, and there went my day...) so I think everyone should be really understanding. I hardly got to any of the stories. On the other hand, I don't know if my reviews are at all helpful, so... At any rate, you did better than plenty of people, and as I've been skimming the thread here it looks like most if not all of your reviews are useful ones, so you did that well. Seriously, don't beat yourself up over this! (And that means not literally OR metaphorically OR emotionally OR any other way you could come up with to beat yourself up.) Thanks for the reviews you did do!

>>Xepher

I don't deny that it's satire. But hardly so. If it's satire then, in my opinion, no offense to the author, it's satire done very poorly. satire doesn't need to be humorous. Bojack Horseman is really beautiful at being satirical without being intentionally funny. But as I mentioned in my initial point and many others have: slapping a bunch of references together or "conversationals" together and calling it a story isn't very satirical, or well, it's definitely not good satire. I, and others, found it to... well... just bad. That's what this fic did. It tried something and it failed. It's not a unanimous opinion but it's a majority.

And I understand Catharsis, but I don't really understand... throwing said "catharsis" to the world when it's the opposite. I think it was Not A Hat who said he wanted to stop hearing about the results five weeks before it came out. All I'll really say to that... is: ir may be "catharsis" to the author but some people really are done with it, and it's reopening wounds that are trying to close. So, choose what you submit wisely.

>>ChappedPenguinLips
It's "satire".

No, wait. Now I think you were being satirical... :rainbowhuh:

Huhwhowa? o.0 Am I seeing this right? I made it to the finals this time?

...

What is wrong with you people?

But seriously, I'm more surprised by what stories made it than what didn't make it. I don't know why this surprises me, though; this happens with pretty much every Writeoff.

Neapolitan emotivhorses, huh?

I don't know if I can say there's any one thing 'wrong' with this story, but I will say that it's overall very mild and subdued. This reads more slicey than drama-ish, and in a contest like this, you often need to make a real impact if you want your story to do very well.

That's somewhat a matter of taste, though. Maybe you just like slice-of-life? That's fine.

I will say, though, that if you want your piece to be more powerful, consider changing that list of questions in the middle third into a statement of some sort. Take one of those questions that you're asking yourself and try to answer it as definitively as possible, because as it is, all you're conveying there is confusion. Which works alright, because the arc of this story is basically 'gentle confusion -> look around and feel better'. But... that's not a very dramatic arc.

Hmm.

This is an interesting effect. Most of the story is narration, which does a good job of conveying more direct meaning than description would. However, it also made it somewhat harder for me to engage with the story. I found it fairly dry in stretches, personally, and I'd have liked a slightly less matter-of-fact presentation. I think, on the whole, the ideas on display here are excellent ones. Hopefully the narration was influenced by length and an expanded version would be a bit more subtle or roundabout.

There's no hint of conflict here until the second half. And even when it does come in, it's settled without much in the way of drama. Although the amount of drama necessary is hard to gauge (some people like SOL,) I do think bringing the conflict into the story faster and more strongly would make for a more engaging tale. Some overarching conclusion to this idea might be nice as well; I've seen this sort of thing before (I've fiddled with it myself) but it would be interesting to hear what people think this attitude means about Celestia, and the fact that her sister/student haven't picked up on it means about them.

This story does lots of things right, especially the ideas on display. However, I think it could be even stronger. Consider; you've got four scenes here. The point of the first is to set up the premise, the second is to re-enforce it, and the forth is the wrap-up. The third is the odd man out here; it kinda duplicates the fourth, but it doesn't actually reach the conclusion. The fourth also re-iterates basically everything that happens so far, but doesn't really re-frame it, which doesn't add much. I feel like your second/third scenes need to be tweaked and shortened to make their points build on each other better, and the fourth scene should be shorter and more economical? Or maybe add a fifth scene with all the words you could save, maybe.

Great ideas, somewhat muddled execution.

I asked a miser once, how much money was enough. "One more dollar," he said. "Just one more dollar."

This story feels a bit odd, and I think it's because Violet, who's not presented as the main character, is the pony who gets a plot arc. She starts out curious, moves to worried, and ends up somewhat depressed. RD, however, just kinda stays mopey the entire time.

This is kinda a problem though, because RD is the one who's making statements and drawing conclusions, and although Violet's changes in attitude are ostensibly a reflection of that, it's not really clear why/how she's reacting to get the actions she takes. I think you'd be best off either having Violet interact with RD more, or think about giving Dash more arc. Is RD coming to a conclusion? Is her attitude/feelings at the end different then the beginning? How? Why? If you know what you're doing with that, evaluate how Violet plays into it, and adjust her accordingly.

On the whole, though, it kinda reads nihilistically or even as a mild tragedy. Rainbow is clearly unhappy, but doesn't have an answer. And here she is, passing on her non-answer to a new generation, who's affected by her feelings but doesn't know what to do with it either.

>>PaulAsaran
I totally agree.

Besides, I feel bad because I’m sure I stole Cold’s seat in the finals. His story was so much better than mine…
Cold I apologise to you :/

I like a lot of this.

However, I keep returning to the two lines where the narrator, ostensibly older and wiser, looks back on her past self with scorn. She is, supposedly, saying foolish/stupid things in her youth. But... they also happen to be the very things Celestia needs to hear, and fall at precisely the turning points of the story.

This makes things a little strange for drawing conclusions at the end of the story.

Has she failed to recognize what actually happened there? This would mean that, Celestia, despite her protestations of friendship, didn't teach her what she did right, or that even as a friend, Celestia has re-educated her into proper submission and etiquette in all circumstances so her past actions look properly foolish.

I mean, either of those kinda work, if Celestia had to fail at being a good friend a bunch of times before she was qualified to teach, but I dunno. I think you're kinda undercutting the whole story with those (possibly intended as throw-away) lines.

The rest of it, though, is very nice.

Synthesizing with the sticky sluice of the incubus

Perhaps you meant succubus?

Or maybe not.

...Giggity.

Anyways, I thought this was pretty effective. In the opening, the fill-in-the-gaps nature of the over-the-top statements the nightmare inserts very nearly gets you two sentences for the price of one, and that's excellently well done. The slow divergence, until the enormity of the situation finally hits, is also well handled, and that stinger at the end is polished and pointed.

Downside? This is pretty much re-tread. It's a polished take on a familiar idea, but the idea really is very familiar. Well, it's not like I can really take points off for that, but yeah. Seen it before, knew where it was headed, wasn't really surprised.

Okay, good, it didn't advance. To everyone, I am very sorry if this story angered you or you thought it was awful. I totally respect that opinon. But this idea hit me when the prompt was finalized, and I had to write it. I'm still a bit bitter about the election, and it WAS cathartic to write this. Trump is, to me, a cartoon villain, and by casting this whole mess in a cartoon setting, I hoped it'd make it less painful. It... kinda worked. Not really, but kinda.

Anyway, sorry if anyone felt I wasted their time or anything. This wasn't meant to be a trollfic, it WAS meant to be satire, in that it's a sad/tragic outcome bordering on the absurd. But yeah, it's not a fun story to read, and didn't deserve to get even the notice it did here.

>>Monokeras
Don't go down that road. It's tempting, and I've been there; but don't do it. It seems like you're being nice when you say that, but it's an insult to others when you claim you don't deserve what you've earned, and we don't know which fic in the finals is yours yet.

Besides, I thought your fic that didn't pass was better than both of CiG's (and nearly everypony else's, other than two fics which for all you know are both mine), even though I was apparently one of very few ponies who enjoyed it that much.

There's more to a story than the quality of the English and how well you can paint with words. You need to appreciate and be thankful that the authors here enjoyed what you wrote.

>>Xepher
I laughed (primarily at Spike the email dragon), and sent a link to your story to my dad.

My title seems to have been popular, so that's a high point for me. Let's break this down now.

>>FanOfMostEverything
The tense shift that you and others noted is entirely a matter of sloppiness on my part. I didn't notice it at all until you pointed it out and I reread this thing a few times even after I submitted it.

>>Remedyfortheheart
It was indeed one mislabeled drink passed on to the kids, but that bottle was one of a whole batch with the same issue. A little extra to weigh on AJ's conscience. As for why they're being scolded, that wasn't really my intent at all. Some of the softening effect was lost during the pruning stage (which was a new phase for me. I'm usually struggling to fill in words, not remove them), and even considering that Rarity's opening frustration is out of place in retrospect, I admit.

I'm no expert in distillation, but I recall there being a potential issue with alcohol fumes, so I'd figure they'd keep Apple Bloom away from that side of things until she's big enough to handle a few whiffs without keeling over. I might be mistaking that for meth though (thanks Breaking Bad) so don't quote me on it.

>>FrontSevens
The "for their first time" bit was my opening clue and the ambiguity until the reveal was intentional. Set up the clue, let the reader build an assumption, then (hopefully) twist it around a bit with AJ being the one who messed up. I like a little opening mystery; if it's something the characters would know by the point the story starts but don't have any reason to hash over for exposition sake.

You are correct about the use of the title phrase, too. I intended it as another clue that the whole mess wasn't the kids' fault, but the limited length doesn't leave a lot of room to let that idea simmer.

>>Trick_Question
Part of the harshness comes from my being terrible at cuts, as I said above, and part of that comes from me (apparently) being a huge jerkass because other than Dash I didn't think anyone was being particularly gruff—and even that has some softer edges in my original cut. Poor editing is no excuse, of course. I never intended to give the impression the kids were in trouble, but I definitely see how that was the common interpretation.

The alcohol quantity/strength issue I'll chalk up to me not knowing how strong a hard cider is. Others have mentioned that "applejack" is an actual type of hard alcohol and you can bet I'll be playing that up in the rewrite. As for the girls not noticing that something was up, I was kind of hoping that would slide under the "it was their first time" bit and that would be that. I fully accept that not being sufficient, however.

>>CoffeeMinion
It's sir, and I am well rebuked in my error. I mostly addressed your points above, but I will take extra consideration in clearing up Apple Bloom's place on the booze side of the Sweet Apple Acres business model.

>>Moosetasm
Still glad the title was so popular. Forgot all about the phrase until I remembered an episode of Daredevil, funny enough. And I used that exact band-aid phrase in the original cut, so thumbs up for reading my mind. I've added another mark to the "not sure if they're in trouble or not" pile, but I'm quite glad you enjoyed it in spite of that.

>>georg
I am gratefully rebuked yet again. Glad you enjoyed your time here.

>>Xepher
You have earned a place forever in my gratitude for telling me that applejack is an actual liquor. That opens up a whole new world of pun and that change makes the title of the story fit even better. My original thought was to play the "kids get drunk" angle straight (cutie mark crusader inebriates, yay!), but I decided that was predictable and thought I'd try to put a twist on it. Didn't work quite how I expected. I can't argue that there's not a lot of growth or character development going on though.

>>Astrarian
I said it in the first reply but it's worth repeating: totally sloppy miss on my part. Present tense is my default gear and I need to work harder at catching my slip ups. Consistent tense use is important and I'm glad you and Fan stepped up and called me out on the mistake.

No finals for me this time but feedback knows no price. Thanks to everyone for the comments.

I think what I can really appreciate here is the character work. It's great. Unfortunately, I don't think the rest of the story serves it quite as well as it deserves. I can't help but feel that you're slightly limited by using a situation we all know the ending to.

Because of how this is set up, my eventual conclusion is that the actual 'conflict' in this story is encapsulated in the middle, where Pecan talks about joining the guard and Pistachio disagrees. This is the one place the story offers us something uncertain, but... it doesn't really carry through, with them resolving it even before the ending.

What I'd like to see is these two characters drawing much more divergent conclusions from the idea that the sun might not rise. Let's have a bit more division between them. The emotional climax of the story, where their disagreement hits its peak and resolves, should also (I think, for maximum storytelling impact,) land at the same point as the external turning point, the sun coming up/the clock chiming.

This is good work in several ways. Unfortunately, I don't think all the ways it's good in work together as well as they should/could.

Oh, I liked the names a lot too. They're both a little nuts and have hints of sweetness, although you have to get past the shell first. :P The alliteration and meaning suggests these similarities, but also highlights how they can be different.

EDIT: To make it clear the 'don't say that word' bit is about 'lunatic' instead of 'alicorn' (which did take a second look from me) consider italicizing 'lunatic' instead of 'hypothetically' in that sentence. The extra emphasis should clear things up, and I don't think the change in tone would detract from the meaning much.

>>Xepher
I appreciate the attempt at catharsis through pony fiction. I just didn't want to think about the election any more.

>>FanOfMostEverything
hay, did you hear Trump got elected pres—

—ow

>>Trick_Question

It may be a bit late, but for what it's worth this story didn't really bother me, and I'm sad it didn't make it through.

I do understand where the others were coming from, and I'm not trying to deny the problem they had, but to me a lot is knowing your target, like with the S1 episode about pranks. This would be an absolutely horrible prank to pull on a stranger, but I give it the benefit of the doubt and assume Starlight and Trixie knew Twilight would handle it fine.

>>Trick_Question

Nope. :p Just my phone's terrible auto-correcting.

I'd love to see this one expanded!

Flying review... will add more later.

>>Posh >>Xepher >>FanOfMostEverything >>Bachiavellian >>FrontSevens >>Trick_Question >>Trick_Question >>TheCyanRecluse

Wings Post-Mortem (as far as it deserves one)

"Wings" Can be summarized in the following chat excerpt:

Someone on Discord: Write 500 words about wings!
Bremen: One of my ideas was Twilight waking up for the first time after MMC
But I couldn't think of where to take it
Though now I'm kinda tempted to have Twilight internally agonizing about becoming an Alicorn for 500 words, then have it turn out that rather than any deep philosophical reasons she hates it because she slept on her wing wrong and she's literally in agony.
"Twilight, dear, I can tell your upset. Surely being a princess wont be that bad! We'll all be here to help you!"
Twilight gritted her teeth. "I'll be fine Rarity. Please just leave me alone."
For like, 500 words. Then it's all just a prank on the reader

(and yes, I realize this was sort of a violation of the anonymity rules, but in my defense at the time I wasn't actually planning on writing it).

More seriously, at the time I had put several hours of effort into another story, but had hit a wall. After futily rearranging things for some time, the above occured, and then I realized, hey, that could actually work. So I opened a new tab and spent a half hour chuckling to myself as I wrote down whatever popped into my head. Then I had a breakthrough on my original story and went to finish it. After that, I wasn't quite ready for bed but had Wings sitting open and two thirds finished, so I decided, what the hell, I might as well finish it and turn it in. Then, of course, I couldn't think of a funny way to end it, but I was already done, and it was late, so I may not have been thinking straight (either when I wrote the ending or when I decided to submit it).
Anyways, Wings was always meant as what TVTropes calls a "Shaggy Dog Story"; basically, one with a lot of buildup and then a completely stupid or anti-climactic ending. Writing a story as a prank on the reader is probably a bad way to win a competition, though :p
Thanks to everyone who reviewed it. To be honest, I felt guilty every time a review came up since everyone was doing their best to give constructive advice and kind words when it was really just a half-assed joke. I quite possibly put less work into this story than the reviewers did, and that's something I wont do again; I owe everyone who reviews these stories that much.
Also, somehow it seems fitting that this story turned into my "morning after" regret :p

Finally, the joke that Pinkie made that fell flat for so many was a reference to "wingfic", a genre of fanfic where a character grows wings (usually for no reason, especially considering these characters are often normal humans) and thinks this makes them a freak, and the author designated romantic interest comforts them by telling them their wings are beautiful. Yes, this is actually a thing, and me making a joke about it is probably a sign that my judgement was already faulty from lack of sleep.

>>Bremen
Um... Pinkie's joke was the most hilarious thing in the entire competition. It was the best thing about the story.

Sometimes I really don't understand other readers here.

>>Bremen

Finally, the joke that Pinkie made that fell flat for so many was a reference to "wingfic", a genre of fanfic where a character grows wings (usually for no reason, especially considering these characters are often normal humans) and thinks this makes them a freak, and the author designated romantic interest comforts them by telling them their wings are beautiful. Yes, this is actually a thing, and me making a joke about it is probably a sign that my judgement was already faulty from lack of sleep.

I think, then, that you should clarify the joke by making that allusion more obvious.

The characters' responses to it were more funny than the line itself, imo.

Also I'm appalled that I made it into the finals and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

TWO STRIKES

I wrote this story in an hour, sitting a table in the lobby of a hostel in Edinburgh. I don't remember how I got the idea. I kept switching perspectives around—I wasn't sure whether to write it from Twilight's POV or Celestia.

It's the morning after Sunset ran away. That's why the campus is locked down, and why the maids are talking about a troublesome filly with a relation to Celestia being gone. Luna was the first strike, Sunset is the second.

I'm amazed so many people got caught up on the smell thing. During the 5-minute grace period, as I was walking from my hostel, I was wondering if the "something" would confuse anyone. I had a temptation to change it to "the smell of rubbing alcohol," but I thought that would be too on the nose. Twilight's young, so she doesn't know the smell by heart, but I still wanted to get it across.

Originally I wanted the fic to end with Celestia introducing Twilight to the concept of the Elements of Harmony, with the implication being that Sunset was originally meant to be the Element of Magic, but now Twilight has to replace her. But I didn't have enough space to make that jive with canon. I picked the new ending because I wanted the "my faithful student" thing to have more weight.

IT SUCKS

thanks to everyone who read tho

>>Bremen
>>Posh
For the record, I have no idea what the buck a 'wingfic' is.

The joke is funny because Pinkie implies that Trixie is so argumentative and contrary to Twilight, that Twilight could receive a complement from Trixie by insulting herself to Trixie's face, to which Trixie would disagree... which is so crazy only Pinkie would think of that.

How is that not hilarious?! :V

LAUGH, DAMN YOU, EVERYPONY LAUGH

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Stop shouting. It wasn't that bad.

There were some better stories, but I still enjoyed reading it and would like to see it fixed. The 'faithful' bit was a masterful idea.

>>Trick_Question
Huh. Looked at from that angle, it is quite funny.

>>FanOfMostEverything
I'm going to plead "death of the author" on that one.

>>Trick_Question
Trick, as always: masterly.

Highly relevant at least to >>FanOfMostEverything >>Xepher >>Astrarian >>Morning Sun , and probably others.

I have a feeling pretty much everyone in the Writeoff can, no matter your political point of view, at least share in this feeling regarding the recent American election:

EDIT: (go on, trust me and click it—it has nothing to do with the election itself)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_nPp64OrBc

This seems a very significant scene pulled out from something larger. The descriptions are interesting and you build up some tension, but in the end it never amounts to much. I admit I'm not sure how you could improve it for me s a specific target, considering the constraints under which you work. Maybe focusing more on one of the three characters and telling us telling us something about how she reacted to the situation would make it more meaningful.

As it is now it sets an evocative scene and then stops. It's a bit of a shame, I wanted to know more.

Okay. The Dulling Effect pertains to what happens when a gem or other luxurious stone loses it gleaming properties. In this case our "Dazzlings" have lost their all awe-inspiring skills. Thus it can be labeled as a certain dulling effect. The title was a play on words and yet it seemed to pass as if it wasn't since dull is also used to mention the loss of sharpness in a knife. You could kinda say this fit with it too but I was more along the lines aiming towards the lackluster qualities in precious stones.

What do you do when all you've known for centuries ends up becoming undone? When your way of life and means of getting anything in the world was suddenly out of your reach? This is the Dazzlings case. Explained in their lore these three have counted on their hypnotic ways, much like a predator would or their prey. There's no evidence that a sea pony, or siren, had had any life prior to gaining their magic. It had also been so long that logically they would have loss the sense for self independence at a certain point. Which is why the girls act unruly all the time, I mean take a look Sonata! Doesn't see look like the face of evil?!

I took these ideas and thought about how sad it must be to be not only beaten down, but to be lost. To know where you're at what you're doing, but with no way of accomplishing things in the only way you know how. In my opinion, these three have been tossed to the streets with no one to help them now. This is where Discord comes in. The most unruly man of the school who can come to understand what it means have his life flipped around and being unappreciated.

So scriptwise I think we're done. Now onto explanations! This story was designed to be -yup you guessed it!- a 10,000 long story. It was a last minute idea in the last 3 hours of the submission timeline. Go figure! With nothing else to work with I went with this idea and had a horrible horrible horrrilbe time. I ended up deleteing over 3,000 words and had to scrunch everything I wanted hoping that it all made sense in the end. Ending result being "find a guide" AGAIN! Don't tell people to look up guides people. Sometimes they just wanna know what exactly is wrong. In this case I already knew. So after deleting the recap, intro, ending, Discord's description, half the banter between the Dazzlings in the alleyway, and the extended scene with the Dazzlings "sneaking" behind Discord", I ended up with my worst piece of entry for this community. Can you blame me? Told you I'm not one for minifics.

Script order for those who are interested. Yes this all came to me within 3 hours.

-Dazzlings' experience (POV) getting defeated in stage: Basically a recap of the recent events. If you watch closely Adagio is the only one to grab onto the bits of her broken necklace.

-The chase and Alleyway scene: This was suppose to bring in a bit more detail on how cruel their breaking point must have been. Being pelted with food trinkets, and worst of all since they can't seem to remember it, the hateful slanderous jeering coming from the crowd. Even the Alleyway scene was suppose to have more depth to it as the three contemplate on their dire situation.

-Discord's appearance: This one was gonna be simple. A man dressed in a colorful suit having multi colored hair and accessories a like. He was suppose to come in and have a deeper conversation and well. You've seen the cut up version. I was so unhappy with how bland Discord came out that I overlooked the errors on his part since he became such a small detail within the story.

-Coming Home: There was suppose to be more explained to why Discord was taking the girls in, but as villains their have their pride. So the endings result was gonna be Discord acting like he gave up and the Dazzlings being stubborn to take such aide from a man not fully under their control, as they're routinely subjected to. The result being Discord just leading the girls home and the Dazzlings (smart girls btw) knew they had nothing to go by at this point. Smart capable girls? They are not. Just look at Sonata! So they end up in a very uncomfortable position with a stranger who is labeled as a bad person just like they suddenly were.

The ending was suppose to be a cute breakfast scene with the new family. Adagio would argue and make a fuss with Discord as he sipped his tea on a strange looking teacup. The conversation needed to end with a sharp bold statement coming from the man. Which I never got the chance to do so.

In the MLP world things usually go well enough that people aren't really suffering or brought to their eventual doom. So I figured it be more canon giving these three the chance the show usually gives to it's villains. Curse Hasbro for the level of forgiveness they wrought unto such criminals. So I saw it fitting to have the girls somehow not being fully redeemed, BECAUSE THAT WOULDN.T MAKE SENSE! RIGHT PONY HITLER!, but somehow coming out of their downfall and becoming just normal girls. Of course they would still be hated in school, but now they can survive and learn once more.

Eventually I ended up creating the rest of the script with several days of school for the three girls. Having to deal with a hateful public, and some cute moment where the girls find Discord to be the most magical person in the school, yes there's no magic in Discord but low and behold! I have made him a magician! No seriously he does a couple of card tricks and fools the three girls into thinking he understood their magical powers to fully bond with them. A little white lie but "everyone needs a bit of magic in their life, no?" As Discord would say.

Gee look at that. I've written pass 750 words. Again. The premise was quite a bold one and well. I had no choice if I wanted to enter this contest. So I went with it. Not sure to say if I got anything out of it but it's gonna be another one waiting in my sandbox just collecting dust until I'm happy enough with my skills to give it it's due. Good ideas, bad writing. And that makes me unhappy to write them or continue them. I wanna say thank you for reading it, but as some people have explained. It was a bad experience reading it and I had a bad experience mincing my work to the bone. So I'm sorry. Especially to Hat and Quill who force themselves to push through each story no matter how cringey it is or how much they dislike it. So thank you, but I should really say Sorry.

>>Remedyfortheheart
Don’t do like me Rémy. Your story deserves better than being locked away in a drawer. You should now give it all the care it needs, beef it and polish it until it shines, then publish it. You’re more than skilful enough to do that.

Hey! It's Rao! Interesting another heart filled with love for the art of writing! Lovely to meet you and a pleasure to have enjoyed your entry!

>>Remedyfortheheart
I liked it, and I think you could do it in 750, but it would be hard. The problem is we don't get to see consequences, and we're intrigued but we don't know exactly where we're headed.

This would be a great first chapter for a story! Just give Discord a lot more description than this, and think how to take the story to a place that pushes the message you want to get across to the reader.

>>Trick_Question
That idea of a story is meant to be at least 4 times bigger to make a comfortable first chapter for me. And that's with just an added recap and all the same ideas.

The only thing:

I can point out is that a female donkey is called a jenny, not a mare. Other than that, very nicely done!

Mike

>>FanOfMostEverything
You do have a tendency to like my stories, even when no one else does. maybe you should finally read my sunlight story you helped with >:V

>>Trick_Question
I think you will find that you are the one who is completely wrong.

I didn't give a single example because literally everything else in the story is an example. But if you want a list, here you go:

1) There are no talking animals in Harry Potter. Yes, Parseltongue is a thing, but it is incredibly rare and there is no indication that similar abilities exist for other animals.

2) There are no familiars in Harry Potter, just pets. The two are not interchangeable, and this ferret behaves much more like a familiar than a pet, even if you disregard its ability to speak.

3) It's the Forbidden Forest, not the Dark Woods.

4) There are no Deans at Hogwarts. Except for Dean Thomas, but that's different.

5) Students do not make wands.

6) While unicorn hair can be used to make wands in Harry Potter, nothing is ever said about the unicorn in question needing to be a virgin. In fact, Harry Potter seems to completely do away with the "unicorns only like virgins" bit of mythology, and instead just says that they just prefer women more than men.

7)

Raindolph ran his fingers over the magic mirror while his familiar muttered quietly behind him...Raindolph touched two last spots on the mirror and the surface began to shimmer.

a few quick magical gestures made his heart sink

Magic in Harry Potter is almost entirely performed with wands. Yes, wandless magic does exist, and he could have used a wand in that second quote, but there's no actual indication that Raindolph uses or even has a wand other than the one he makes.

8) Raindolph is referred to as a "mage," which is a term that is never used in Harry Potter, as far as I can tell. If this was a Harry Potter crossover, he'd be called a wizard.

9) "Nidricks" is clearly a made-up word, which fits better in a made-up fantasy world than in Harry Potter.

10) The story mentions "University Testing Grounds," which makes it obvious that Raindolph's school is not Hogwarts. Also, magical universities apparently do not exist in Harry Potter, and everyone is just done with school after they graduate from Hogwarts.

11) "Raindolf" and "Plagiosphere" might be able to pass as names in Harry Potter, but they sound a lot more like typical fantasy world names.

12) "F" is not a grade in Harry Potter. Their grading scale is O-E-A-P-D-T.

13)

Start with a simple blasting spell

While a Blasting Curse does exist in Harry Potter, this really seems more like a generic fantasy sort of thing.

14)

He let his breath out slowly and focused his magic into a simple blasting spell, hoping that the fresh wand would at least make sparks.

Again, that isn't how magic works in Harry Potter.

I'm sure that with enough stubborn determination, you could find a way to justify all of those points and fit them into Harry Potter somehow. But I think it is clearly more likely that the author just took some inspiration from Harry Potter. In fact, I have a feeling that this story started with the thought "what would happen if Twilight's hair was used to make a wand like in Harry Potter?" But the story clearly evolved beyond that and left Harry Potter behind.



And to the author, I was genuinely surprised to see that this story made it into the finals, but I am glad that it did.

>>The_Letter_J

It's the Forbidden Forest, not the Dark Woods. There are no Deans at Hogwarts. Except for Dean Thomas...

:ajbemused: I'm actually unsure whether your response is supposed to be a joke.

You gotta be bucking kidding me. With the possible exception of students not making wands (but since it's the main element of the story, I'd let that slide too), every one of these examples is a tiny, completely unimportant and irrelevant piece of minutia. Almost nopony here would know the difference, or would think "wow this is so different from Potter", even if they could. If I wrote an HP-inspired story it would be exactly like this one, and I would change the names of simple things for originality because this isn't an HP contest.

I respect your geek cred, but the assertion that "this can't have been HP-inspired because of all this extreme trivia about HP that I know" doesn't make any sense to me. Half the stories in this MLP competition have more breaks from MLP canon than this story does from HP canon, for goodness' sake. :derpytongue2:

All of the comments here are fair based upon the story as it is written. It's not great. It's all over the place.

I suppose the most honest answer for how it came out the way it did is simply haste. I found out about this event about 22-25 minutes before I had to go to work. I wouldn't have been able to submit anything by the time I got back from work so I had to do this thing fast.

In between getting ready for work and writing I basically just threw together the first thing that popped into mind as I went along. I picked two characters, a setting and then tossed it into a blender and hit frappe. By the time I was done I had head out.

I knew it wasn't good. I didn't expect this to do well. I certainly knew it wouldn't make it into the final and truthfully I didn't care about any of that. I'd cranked out something very basic quickly that I can go back to and pick out the parts that I think work and make something more concrete.

>>The_Letter_J
Also I don't mean that nearly as awful as I probably sound :facehoof:

I'm just saying that the nonpony elements of the story could have been solely inspired by HP because most ponies don't know all the HP facts that you do; and many who do I doubt would consider them essential to the genre.

>>Trick_Question
>>Trick_Question

I respect your geek cred, but the assertion that "this can't have been HP-inspired because of all this extreme trivia about HP that I know" doesn't make any sense to me.

That is literally the exact opposite of what I said.

I said from the beginning that this story clearly took some inspiration from Harry Potter, but is not actually a crossover with Harry Potter. And my main point was that it either took a bit too much or not enough inspiration, because people got confused. Consider comments like this:

I'd really like to know what universe this is a crossover with. It's Potter-ish, but familiar/animals in HP don't talk.

And your own comment:

It would help if you more succinctly gave the audience the hint that the story is based on Harry Potter at the beginning of the story. I found myself uncertain where things were headed until the end of the story.

If this story had either been a full Harry Potter crossover or had been a bit less Potter-ish (as I suggested earlier, needing the hairs for a ritual instead might have helped), this sort of confusion would not have arisen, and the story would be stronger for it. Personally, I think the author was trying to make the story explicitly not Harry Potter, which is why they used a familiar instead of another student, for example. But they apparently didn't go far enough.
Admittedly, this definitely isn't the story's biggest problem, but it is an issue.

Finally, your entire argument is laughable, because the fact that some wands have unicorn hair cores is just as much of a piece of unessential trivia as anything else I listed.

OK, um, I didn't post anything earlier, because I wasn't sure if I was allowed to, but I saw other people post something similar, so I'm going ahead with it. I actually got on this morning, read the newest comments on my story, started mentally organizing a retrospective and thanks to the reviewers, and then it occurred to me that I ought to check, just to confirm, that my story hadn't made it into the finals. I completely froze when I realized it was in the list of finalists, and had to double check a bunch of different things to make sure I was interpreting the gallery list correctly. I'm beyond thrilled that people liked my story that much, but I was really, really surprised. From the reviews (which generally had good points and have given me some really exciting [to me] ideas on how to lengthen and improve the little minific) I didn't expect...... At any rate, thank you, everypony! I'm honored. I may not read many fics this write-off because I'm completely drowning in homework and I took a couple days to relax and do nothing much in honor of Thanksgiving, but I swear, I'm going to get to all of them at some point. I've seen so much in this thread that, even just skimming anything linked to the majority of fics I haven't read, I couldn't help but get excited! Thank you, and good luck to everypony remaining!

>>Misternick
Dangit, I should've PM'd you about the Writeoff coming up. D:

Still, I think you started something with potential, especially considering that you threw this together in the time you did.

I was sick the entire week, so I couldn't participate as much as I would've liked. Still, I got two reviews out (and to Xepher and Abhorrent Amalgamation's writer, I apologize for writing for so long. I was curious to observe what people did with their prose that worked and didn't, and that is how I directed my reviews. Perhaps it was pompous of me to go on and on like I did, but I hope that at least you got some value out of it.

Or, barring that, that I was at least polite about it.)

Anyway, my mind was not completely engaged in this event because of that. Looking over everything, I'm not sure how to interpret what happened. I'm glad some people enjoyed my stories, even the one that made its way into the final round. Looking back, though, this has to be one of the oddest Write-Offs ever. Maybe it was because my mind was altered from the illness (I don't know if that excuses anything), but everything just seemed off. I'm not sure how to describe it.

Anywho, I don't have a chance of medaling, and it seemed like people have pointed out the big issues with my story. There's also been a lot of negativity in my household, at work, and online, and I just feel stressed. I am considering revealing my finalist story just to get it out of voters' way, and then get some rest.

But enough of that, let's get to the retrospectives.



I'm very sorry you guys read this. I had this idea a while ago, before the Season 6 finale, I think even before the Season 4 finale, where I wanted to make a horror story based on Luna attacking Chrysalis in her dreams using the power of the sun, controlled by the sister that Chrysalis hurt during the wedding. In this particular instance, just so it would make sense, I had set it after the Season 6 finale; that's why Thorax is there and why she's alone at the end.

But the problems are apparent. I made the beginning too cheesy, putting flowery dialogue like a soap opera (how to fix it is beyond me). I chose the wrong character to do it, and the wrong medium (obliteration and devastation in MLP:FiM caused by a beloved, kind character wasn't a good choice of mine). My language was stilted (I actually don't know how to combat stilted language). My attempt was to provoke at least uneasiness in the reader, if not outright horror, but I failed,

Maybe it's the sickness, but I don't find much positive about this story, nor the experience of writing it. That's not my complaining about my being disqualified from the competition; I think I am just fatigued that I'm not finding the good out of it. I'm not even sure the premise is worth salvaging, now that the Season 6 finale happened.



Another attempt at being mature that ended up not working out. This one I thought would be better off; I tried really frickin' hard to hone my words to create a contrasting feeling of apathy and optimism. To hear that the language was confusing (that coffee detail was in there due to an editing slip), the premise was boring, the story went nowhere, really left me feeling down.

If I were being completely negative, then I would take this as a sign that I shouldn't be trying to write stories with maturity behind them; but I'm not going to do that. I will acknowledge, however, that I'm not good at writing them. I think the sickness, and everything happening in my home life, has caused me to look at this particular story with pessimism. I couldn't get a serious discussion between two Cherilees, one of whom was frustrated at being a teacher's assistant and the other coming in to offer her own advice and help herself out, to work.

But then again, as others have said, it was hurt by the word count. Whether I could get this to work or not with a longer word limit is something I don't know, and I'm hesitant on trying it out. Not because I doubt my skill; I know positively that I need a lot more practice. Rather, it's because I've only seen one EqG movie; I haven't seen the other three. I saw Cherilee reprimanding the CMC in the human world with such frustration, finality, and lack of optimism, and I thought that the contrast would be interesting. I tried to research how the other three movies would've affected Cherilee and the world, but the detail about people being less against believing in magical horses completely slipped my mind.

So once again, I apologize. I should've watched the other three movies before deciding whether or not to write this.

---

This is the first instance, I believe, where not making the cut didn't bother me at all, and I hope that's a sign that I'm maturing. The sickness and the home life have affected me negatively, and I'm not sure that excuses my lack of participation. I wasn't entirely in the right mind for the entirety of the prelims, but now that I'm better, perhaps In can contribute a little bit more.

My biggest problems with these Minifics are thus:

1. I don't know how to end stories. At all. At all. I don't know what to ask myself, or what to look for, or what readers want. This seems to be something a lot of Write-Off writers struggle with, so I think this should be my first place to study (even though I don't have a frickin' clue where to begin!).

2. I can't make sense of more mature moments. This is a personal thing that perhaps suggests that I'm dead inside.

3. I haven't yet learned how to muster words to instill the emotions that I want.

This may sound like I'm complaining, but I've recently watched Kung Fu Panda 3 (WATCH IT!), and something Shifu said sums up how I feel about all of this:

If You only do what you can, You will never be more than you are now.

This is optimistically looking up (after a week of enough negativity to keep me in a throbbing, aching, foggy haze) at what I've yet to do, and what I need to work on. And if this motivates someone who's currently down about their story's performance or criticisms, if that helps you out, then I will be happy.

With all of that said, have a good one, good luck to the finalists, best of luck to the ones that didn't make it, and here's hoping for the next Write-Off!

>>Not_Worthy2
I upvoted your comment not because you are bashing your own stories (stories completely without merit are a very rare breed, and yours are not of that kind) but for the optimistic ending of your post.

Keep writing, keep getting your stories dissected and you will improve, I have no doubt about that.

>>Not_Worthy2
With regards to not having seen the other EqG movies, you really haven't missed much in terms of Cheerilee's character development. Mostly because she never speaks again and rarely ever even appears.

As for emotional resonance and satisfying conclusions, my best recommendation is to read the works of others and think about how they accomplish such things. And I don't just mean fan fiction. Analyze professional works as well. Think about how story structure, word choice, and all other aspects of the writing come together to create a satisfying, complete arc. (And for the record, it is really hard to make one of those arcs in 750 words or less.)

Please do not compromise your anonymity out of a feeling of inadequacy. Thinking you don't deserve to be a finalist just means you're a part of the Writeoff community. Almost all of us have some degree of impostor syndrome. :P The medals aren't the important part of this exercise. Sharing your work and growing as an author are.

>>The_Letter_J

Finally, your entire argument is laughable...

I love you too! :heart:

>>FanOfMostEverything

Thinking you don't deserve to be a finalist just means you're a part of the Writeoff community. Almost all of us have some degree of impostor syndrome. :P

What?! Why in the name of Celestia do you say that? :) :)

So is the writeoff about Harry Potter now...?

>>Posh
I... I guess so.

This one got a laugh out of me, and it was entertaining and quite a pleasant reading.

At first, the social competence and self-assurance of Starlight caught me off-guard, but then this seem to be two friends a couple of years later (with Starlight having more friends and Trixie trying to kick the third-person habit) so I can roll with it without a second thought. I like the characterization and the dialogue felt alive and fizzy, which greatly contributed to my enjoyment fo the story.

More room to develop the idea would have been nice, but then this is something that happens to almost every entry in the write-off. You still managed a complete story in the available room, which is great.

Not at the top of my slate but still got a quite high rating.

>>Not_Worthy2
>>FanOfMostEverything
She does seem to get a tiny bit more development in some of the Rainbow Rocks shorts. Well, as much development as you can expect from someone who's mostly just not taking in the background. But she at least seems to be happy in them.

Immediate points for young Celestia and Luna. Further points for an inventive list of monsters and a comedic start to their reign. Enjoyable start to finish with a little extra flourish at the end about not bringing up godhood again.

For what it's all worth I got it. The blue eyes clearly make the memory-filly not Twilight (and obviously Sunset if you pay close enough attention to that sort of thing), the hole in the school pins us to a very specific time just after Twilight's exam, and expecting new words in the journal again hearkens back to Sunset Shimmer.

And I liked it. Celestia pained with something other than Luna business is a rare(ish) choice in the greater scope of things, in my experience.

Doing for at least a thousand years a job you don't want to do is hard. I suspect Celestia may have pulled out some fireworks in the privacy of her room the day Twilight ascended.

I liked this and the calm way in which Celestia informed Twilight (with just a hint of mischief), the almost detached way in which she looks at the world around her and the love for her sister. I can well reconcile those traits with the image we got from the show.

What I would have liked more would be a bit of reasoning about why she still has the reins (sorry) of power after all this time. Even some indirect hint about things tried and that didn't work out or about preserving the structure in memory of her sister or even simply the momentum of habit would have told us a lot more about your vision of the Princess.

Still, I liked this quite a bit.

>>Orbiting_kettle

I upvoted your comment not because you are bashing your own stories—

Well, why not!?

No, I'm kidding. I'm glad I could put some optimism into my post. I shall continue to write and have my work dissected, with the hopes of improving.

>>FanOfMostEverything

Please do not compromise your anonymity out of a feeling of inadequacy. Thinking you don't deserve to be a finalist just means you're a part of the Writeoff community. Almost all of us have some degree of impostor syndrome. :P The medals aren't the important part of this exercise. Sharing your work and growing as an author are.

I wasn't thinking about eliminating it out of inadequacy. I'm happy for the reaction it's having so far, as well as the criticisms it's received. It's more out of frustration for not having participated as much as I would've liked, due to sickness and stress. I'm not going to reveal it, do not worry about that.

I don't mind the medals, but it seems like others do; I think that's why I jumped on that particular thought. My apologies; this week has put me in a negative mindset for all of it, and now that I'm better, I see where I have erred.

I'll confess that I've been neglecting reading the masters; I will be getting back into that. Thank you for your words.

>>Trick_Question

In general, wondering if you're terrible is excellent evidence you're not—take that from somepony who knows it all too well. I might be biased because it's a lesson I've had to learn, but it's the biggest takeaway I get from this, so I had to mention it.

Tell us about your time travel genocide adventures sometime. :D

What's weird about this, to me, is that Starlight's being tasked with solving her angst herself, but rather than by looking inward for the answers, she's looking outward. She's crowdsourcing her identity crisis. And she still doesn't get it by the end of the story; Twilight has to take her to the desired answer herself.

Starlight feels like a Rorschach test to the other characters in the story, and her conclusion at the end isn't something she reached based on self-reflection. Whatever Twilight was trying to accomplish, I think it backfired.

>>Not_Worthy2
Speaking as one who has been there and done that…
Don’t put yourself or your talents down. Even in jest.
You don’t have to be the best at something to take pleasure in doing it, and you need not apologize in any way for doing so.
End sermon.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
That was one short sermon :o

>>FrontSevens
Best kind. :)

These last few days have been crazy. Like, I knew they were going to be crazy what with travelling 600 miles home from my university, but I hadn't counted on two riders in my car, getting lost, getting a flat tire somewhere in Tennessee, and having my phone (which functioned as my GPS) die on me while we were on the road. Apologies for starting and not finishing reviewing my slate. But, hey, it's over. I'm safe at home for another 10 hours or so, and I didn't make the finals (no surprise there based on my personal Writeoff history and the reviews this round). So, without further ado...


After "After Party": A Retrospective

>>FanOfMostEverything >>ChappedPenguinLips >>FrontSevens >>Monokeras >>CoffeeMinion >>Trick_Question >>Shadowed_Song >>Xepher

Pure personal philosophy and headcanon this was, and it really showed in its poor characterization. I'll begin by breaking down the headcanony parts.

Pinkamena Diane Pie is first seen (timeline-wise, at least) eking out a miserable existence on her rock farm. This chapter of her life ends, of course, when she sees the rainboom, smiles, and subsequently decides she "wanted everyone she knew smile, too." Hence, the divide between Pinkamena Diane Pie and Pinkie Pie in my mind. (Yes, I'm aware of the existence of Cupcakes, et al, and no, I was not intending "Pinkamena" to be interpreted that way. Perhaps another addition to the growing list of oversights.)

I'll admit, Pinkie Pie was my least favorite character in Season 1. She was weird. She was random. She was unpredictable. She was wild. I didn't understand her and frankly, I didn't try to. I am and always have been very logical. To me, Pinkie was just the "comic relief and side gag" character.

Upon rewatching the Smile Song, however, I caught something that had I had previously excused away as a "random Pinkie Pie song." Her life's calling, her mission statement, her reason for existing on the planet, is spelled out right in her song. "There's one thing that makes me happy, makes my whole life worthwhile/ And that's when I talk to my friends and get them to smile!" For once, I understood Pinkie Pie. (Well, as much as anyone can be expected to.) This pink pony can be anypony she wants to be, but she chooses to be Pinkie Pie because she knows it will make others happy, and that's the story I wanted to tell. Unfortunately, "After Party" did a rather poor job of doing that. I'm now considering a first-pony slice-of-life style rewrite where Pinkie goes about her day suppressing her depression while spreading cheer to others.


The philosophical undertones highlighted in this story (mainly by Rarity) can be reduced to four questions I ask myself probably too often to not have sufficient answers to them:

1. Who am I?
2. Who do I want to be?
3. Why aren't those two the same person?
4. What can I do to make them the same person?

I guess I kind of just projected those questions/feelings onto a "what if" scenario where Rainbow and AJ hit Pinkie a little too close to home. Perhaps I projected just a pinch too much of my own emotional fragility that I similarly mask with a positive demeanor, a "game face," if you will. Character choice from there on out (both the map and the meetup) was a significant contribution to the shortcoming of this story.



Thank you all for reading and reviewing. I promised myself and my readers that I'd get another chapter of History Lesson over on FimFic ready to publish soon, so I'll reluctantly have to opt out of reading and reviewing the finals. Good luck to the finalists, especially the ones ranked high on my slate!

The Great

Honestly, this is just an excellent story all around and my clear favorite in the write-off thus far. It puts me very much in mind of some of a slightly more serious Nobby Nobs/Fred Colon type conversation. Very excellent beats and voice all around.

I'm not sure I agree with >>Not_A_Hat re: the conflict. We -think- we know the eventual conclusion, but I'm not quite sure that impairs the conflict. We operate much in the same way Pistachio does. We know the moon will go down. We do. For sure. It totally will.

The Rough

I think the narrative voice could be tweaked just a bit more to better match Pistachio's own voice.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
Even in jest, then, I won't put myself down, then. This week's just been chaotic, so I had leaned more towards negativity. I should be past that now. Thank you for you words.